For Those of You Just Joining Us


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


TEASER

Clips from "One Foul Day."

IOLAUS
Everybody, run! Run! Get out of here! Come on!
Run! Time for a new plan!

AUTOLYCUS
What do you got? I got a good one.

IOLAUS
What?

AUTOLYCUS
Run like Tartarus!

IOLAUS
Yeah.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Studio. The screen pauses on the giant chicken.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Let me get this straight, Tapert. Hercules, versus
a chicken?!

"B.S. Hollinsfoffer, Studio Head."

ROBERT TAPERT
You know, that's not fair. It was a giant chicken.

"Rob Tapert, Executive Producer." Tapert has his feet up on Hollinsfoffer's desk. Hollinsfoffer stabs his foot with a cattle prod.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ah-h-h-h!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
You're the executive producer of the show. This
is your idea of quality programming?

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, come on, B.S. You know me better than that.
I've never cared about quality.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
You don't have to tell me twice. I saw last season.

There's a sound of a gurgling stomach and Hollinsfoffer blenches.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Ah, first ya turn Hercules into a pig. Now this.
What's your thing with animals, anyway, huh?

ROBERT TAPERT
Why? What have you heard?

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
This is your last chance, buddy. I want action! I
want romance! I wanna see Salmoneus on more
episodes! And I want the stories on my desk by
the end of the week, or you're gonna be in a theme
park selling cotton candy, dressed as Woody
Woodpecker! Ha-ha-ha-Ha-ha! Now, get outta
here before I throw you out!

ROBERT TAPERT
Ho, ho, ho spinach chin. I'd like to see ya try.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tapert goes flying out the door where Blake and Friedman are listening in. "Melissa Blake, Assistant." "Liz Friedman, Producer."

ROBERT TAPERT
Whoa!

Blake laughs. Tapert has his head in the trash can.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, Melissa, turn on the lights, will ya? Whoo.

Blake takes it of his head. He's covered in shredded paper.

MELISSA BLAKE
Anything broken?

ROBERT TAPERT
I don't think so.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Damn!

ROBERT TAPERT
Listen, Hollinsfoffer wants a bunch of new
story ideas by the end of the week, or it's fade-out
on me!

MELISSA BLAKE
What's the bad news?

ROBERT TAPERT
Melissa? Rally the troops. I'm declaring a state
of emergency.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules drives along, whistling the Hercules theme song. Hercules pretends to be actor Kevin Sorbo. "Kevin Sorbo, Star" (to clapping and cheering). Ares appears with a Hercules action figure.

ARES
(hi-pitched voice) Oh, my god! It's Kevin Sorbo!

Ares bites the head off.

ARES
(high-pitched voice) Oh! Oh! Momma! Momma!
Oh! Oh!

Ares throws the action figure out of the car.

ARES
Oh! The humanity! So how's about an autograph
for your dear old brother?

HERCULES
Why don't you write to the studio, Ares? I'm sure
they'll be happy to send you one.

ARES
Hmm, oh yeah, "Baywatch, BC." It seems
your loyal staff have found themselves in something
of a crunch. If they don't deliver by tomorrow,
Hollinsfoffer will drop the ax.

HERCULES
He's the head of the studio. What does
he know?

A dinosaur appears on the blue screen behind them.

ARES
What about those cheesy blue-screen effects?
They look so fake.

The running of the bulls is on the screen behind them.

HERCULES
Ares, what do you want?

War on the screen behind them.

ARES
Merchandising rights.

Chariot race on the screen behind them. Hercules snickers.

HERCULES
Get in line.

More war on the screen behind them.

ARES
I deserve some compensation for the weekly
slander I have to endure.

Chariot races on the screen behind them.

HERCULES
After five thousand years, nothing has
changed, Ares.

The screen returns to the street.

HERCULES
You're still a whiner.

ARES
And you are still living a lie. You know, it's only a
matter of time before people find out that 'Kevin
Sorbo' is the real myth.

HERCULES
Hey, would you look at that?

ARES
What?

HERCULES
This is where you get out.

Hercules pushes him out of the car.

ARES
Hey! Uh! You son of a-

The sound of tires screeching and a car crashing are heard.

HERCULES
You should always wear your seat belt.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the studio. Brown drives up on his motorcycle. "Jerry Patrick Brown, Head Writer." Coyle drives up in his convertible. "Paul Robert Coyle, Writer." Brown spits.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Jerry! Oh! Thank God you're here!

Coyle grabs him.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Look...don't touch.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I just got a call! They told us to pack our bags!
They're shipping us out, aren't they?! Why, Jerry?!
Why?!

Friedman and Tapert drive up in a golf cart.

ROBERT TAPERT
Because we've all gotta learn to work together,
that's why. To be creative in a crunch, to boost
overall morale. By the way, Paul, your last
script sucked.

Coyle gets on his knees.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
(groveling) I'll change my ways, I promise! I'll only
drink when I'm awake! I'll tip all the show girls!

ROBERT TAPERT
Snap out of it, man! We've all gotta do a lot better
than that if we're gonna save this show! Now, I've
taken the liberty of hiring professional help.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
It's about time.

Blake drives a bus up that reads "Camp Wannachuck."

MELISSA BLAKE
All aboard.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Clear your calendars, crew. We're
going on a corporate retreat.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Huh?

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

They arrive at the camp. Everyone gets out of the bus. Friedman is in business suit.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
(sarcastically) Gee Rob, you've spared no expense.

Blake comes out of the bus wearing shorts, a shirt that has a photo of Kevin Sorbo in a big heart and her hat reads, "Sorbo Rules."

MELISSA BLAKE
Oh no.

She sighs.

MELISSA BLAKE
You really didn't.

Coyle is in a Hawaii shirt and short black shorts.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Whoa, I'm allergic to bees. If I get stung, I'm
gonna swell up like a hog.

Brown wears army pants, a black shirt and an army hat.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I'll be glad to put ya down 'fore it comes to that.

Tapert is wearing fishing stuff.

ROBERT TAPERT
No time like the present Jerry, that's what I
always say.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They are all lined up, and Sunny Day arrives, dressed like a cub scout.

SUNNY DAY
Well, howdy all y'all. Welcome to Camp Wannachuck,
where every day, you'll see a sunny day, 'cause
that's my name, Sunny Day.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Pray for rain.

SUNNY DAY
Now right behind you-

Norma Bates comes out of the kitchen to 'Psycho' music. She wears all white, is splattered in blood and carries a butcher knife.

SUNNY DAY
-is my lovely assistant Norma Bates.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ooh!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Hey!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ooh!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Girl!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ooh! Ah!

Everyone is scared except Friedman who hisses like Callisto with a smile. Norma Bates goes back inside.

ROBERT TAPERT
Uh.

SUNNY DAY
Now here on the homestead we'll be combinin'
corporate re-engineering techniques with ancient
Navajo rituals to enhance the efficiency of your
overall group dynamic. Now can you say Navajo?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Navajo!

ROBERT TAPERT, MELISSA BLAKE and LIZ FRIEDMAN
(grumbling) Navajo.

Brown spits.

SUNNY DAY
Well brav-ho-ho.

Brown spits. Sunny Day walks up to him.

SUNNY DAY
Except for you Mr. Mustache. Let's get those
pipes a-chimin'.

Brown draws a knife and plays eenie meanie with her and Tapert.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Eenie. Meanie.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Minie.

He looks at Tapert.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Die.

Brown moves at Tapert. Coyle holds him back, while Friedman and Blake shove Tapert towards him.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
For God's sake, Jerry! What are you doing?! He
signs all our checks!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I'll save ya the hand!

ROBERT TAPERT
Yeah, go for it muscle sprout! It'll save me the
torture of having to read another one of your
crappy scripts!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I'll split you like a chicken, boy!

Sunny Day blows a whistle.

SUNNY DAY
That is a Camp Wannachuck time-out!
Now I can see we've got a long and windin' road
ahead of us. So, let's get to work, shall we?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tapert stands on a table. The others wait on the ground.

SUNNY DAY
Now, this is the Camp Wannachuck trust
exercise. Mr. Tapert, a good leader has to learn
to trust his employees. After all, you can't do
everything yourself. Ha-ha

MELISSA BLAKE
He can't do anything himself.

SUNNY DAY
Oh-h, now Mr. T here is gonna fall off this table
and y'all are gonna catch him in your arms to
keep him from breakin' his ass.

ROBERT TAPERT
What?!

SUNNY DAY
Oh, don't be nervous, Mr. T. Your staff loves you.

They all hold out their arms and wear big smiles.

ROBERT TAPERT
Okay Sunny Day, but don't forget, if this doesn't
work, the check hasn't cleared.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Come on, Rob.

MELISSA BLAKE
Come on.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Come on.

Tapert turns so his back faces them.

MELISSA BLAKE
Come o-on.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
We're here for ya.

MELISSA BLAKE
Come ta Momma.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ah, ah, ah-h.

Tapert falls and they all move their hands.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Damn.

MELISSA BLAKE
Oh-h!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Whoopsie-daisy.

As he talks, Coyle takes out Tapert's wallet and takes money from it while the others all snicker.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Rob! Rob! Are you okay, buddy? Come on, speak
to me Rob. We'd hate to lose you, buddy. Come
on! There you go.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Is he dead?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Don't tease me.

MELISSA BLAKE
Three cheers for Camp Wannachuck.

ALL
Hooray.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Good, we can go now.

Tapert wakes up.

ROBERT TAPERT
I got it! Oh-ho!

He stands.

ROBERT TAPERT
I know how we're gonna start the season!
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho we're gonna kill Herc's little
buddy Iolaus.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
How original.

ROBERT TAPERT
Huh?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
We've only killed him twice already.

ROBERT TAPERT
Aw, but this time it'll be for good. Yeah, we'll kill
him in such a way that he'll never recover.
Like--like, spontaneous combustion.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus stands.

IOLAUS
Friends, forever...right, Herc?

Iolaus blows up with a scream.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Camp.

ROBERT TAPERT
Or--or, get this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus stands.

IOLAUS
Friends, forever...right, Herc?

A big monster comes down and eats him while he screams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Camp.

ROBERT TAPERT
Or we'll just kill him the old-fashioned Acme way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus stands.

IOLAUS
Friends, forever...right, Herc?

A giant weight is dropped on Iolaus.

CHARON (voice-over)
One of those days.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coyle sits down in shock.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Kill Iolaus? Is that a good idea?

ROBERT TAPERT
No, Paul, it's not a good idea. It's a brilliant idea!
So, unless anybody has any further objections...

Hercules enters.

HERCULES
Well, now that you mention it...

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Ten-hut!

They stand and salute.

ROBERT TAPERT
Kevin Sorbo!

He wears a blue shirt and a Planet Hollywood jacket.

HERCULES
Sorry I'm late, folks.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
(groveling) Oh, Kevin, they're gonna k--kill Iolaus.

HERCULES
But Iolaus lived to be a hundred years old.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ah, what the hell ya talkin' about, Sorborino?

HERCULES
Uh, uh, never mind, huh. Look if you're gonna
kill Iolaus, again, let him die like the hero
he was. Is you know, I mean. On the show.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Faith."

HERCULES (voice-over)
What if Hercules was needed beyond the shores
of Greece, you know, someplace he's never been
before like, Sumeria?

GILGAMESH
I've sent for a man across the seas. Perhaps
with his help we can restore our homeland to
its former glory. It is an honour to have
you here, Hercules.

HERCULES
The honour is mine, King Gilgamesh.

GILGAMESH
The nectar flows from this chalice, but it was hidden
by the gods in the middle of a pyramid, protected
by a series of trials. Only those with the blood of
a god can reach it.

HERCULES
What are we waiting for? Let's grab some of that
nectar and get out of here.

GILGAMESH
After you, my friend.

HERCULES (voice-over)
Now, Hercules has never been betrayed before.
What if Gilgamesh were the first?

GILGAMESH
None left for the gods. What a pity. Soon the world
will tremble with the arrival of Dahak. All he
needs is the sacrifice of a warrior heart.

HERCULES
Nebula!

IOLAUS
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

NEBULA
Iolaus!

HERCULES
Hang in there, buddy.

IOLAUS
I can't.

HERCULES
Sure you can. Come on.

IOLAUS
Hercules.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Camp.

HERCULES
But you know? What do I know? I'm just an actor.

They are all sobbing. Brown even looks a bit teary. Only Friedman remains uncaring, standing away from the others.

ROBERT TAPERT
An actor with vision! Everybody, give it up for the
big Sorbowski!

All but Friedman clap.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I think I got somethin'in my eye.

Brown leaves. Sunny Day arrives.

SUNNY DAY
Now, ya see? This is the kind of emotional out
pourin' that'll bring y'all closer together and land
your little empire a top spot in the Forbes
five-hundred! Did I hear a tummy rumblin'? Who's
ready for lunch? Well, all right.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They all move into the Mess Hall.

ROBERT TAPERT
Kevin, how'd you like to wrestle Xena on
pay-per-view?

HERCULES
Ah, I'll get back to you on that.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Say Melissa, you know, I'm an organ donor?

MELISSA BLAKE
Really?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, ya need anything?

MELISSA BLAKE
You know, Paul, having a conversation with you
is like being in a coma...without the advantages.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Uh-huh, so is that a yes?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone adds poison to the stew.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunny Day carries out the stew to the table, whistling the "Xena" theme song.

SUNNY DAY
Lunch is served.

Bates watches from the kitchen as the "Psycho" music plays and lightning flashes.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Sunny Day puts stew on a plate and they pass it down to everyone.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Mmm-mmm! Smells just like Momma used
to make!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
My condolences.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey, pass that down here-

HERCULES
Thank you.

ROBERT TAPERT
-will ya? I'm starvin'.

SUNNY DAY
Chow down gang.

HERCULES
I'm so hungry I could eat a Hydra! Ha-ha!

Hercules slams his hands on the table and it breaks, taking all the stew to the floor.

HERCULES
Oops. Huh. Uh, sorry. My fault.

SUNNY DAY
Kevin Sorbo, I would like to shake your
hand, sir!

HERCULES
Why?

SUNNY DAY
Did y'all see how Kevin here took responsibility
for his mistake? He wasn't afraid to step forward
and admit, "I am a screw-up!"

HERCULES
Thanks. I think.

SUNNY DAY
A true sign of character is knowin' when to say,
"The buck stops here." Which one of our illustrious
presidents had that very motto on his desk?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I know it! I know it! Our Thirty-third president and
a great American! Mr. Harry S. Truman. Hoo-haw!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
I think they dropped the bomb in the wrong place.

SUNNY DAY
Well gang, it's time to move on. Time for our
next corporate conundrum.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They are in the sweat lodge.

SUNNY DAY
Now folks this is what we call a sweat lodge.
It's a traditional Navajo ritual designed to
put you in touch with the underlyin' orgone
energy that permeates the universe.

ROBERT TAPERT
What the hell is she talkin' about Sorbosaurus?

HERCULES
Getting in touch with our spiritual sides.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey, is that gonna cost me extra?

SUNNY DAY
Well, I'm just gonna skedaddle, leave your little
creative juices to start flowin'. Norma?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ooh.

SUNNY DAY
Now, I wouldn't stay in here too long or your
brains'll fry, like little eggies.

Sunny Day and Bates leave.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
I think she speaks from experience.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I gotta get outta here! Uh, I--I get a rash in small
spaces! (to Blake) I can't breathe! I need
mouth-to-mouth!

She elbows him in the face and he is knocked out.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Yeah, I'd thought I'd seen it all but nothin' compares
to the horror of seein' Paul in his skivvies.

Coyle farts.

ROBERT TAPERT
Yeah? How about Yanni, live at the Acropolis?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I stand corrected.

MELISSA BLAKE
God knows I'm not paid enough to give you people
story ideas but how about we do a show on
Hercules' spiritual side?

ROBERT TAPERT
Say Melissa? That's not a bad idea. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I got just the thing. Picture this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A door is opened. Hercules is dressed in a yellow toga and his hair is in a straight up ponytail.

HERCULES
Good afternoon. Would you care to make a donation
to the church of solar consciousness?

EXTRA
Get lost!

The door is closed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat Lodge.

ROBERT TAPERT
Huh? Huh?

HERCULES
Uh, I--I don't mean to interrupt but you're overlooking
the inherent contradiction of taking a character
on a spiritual journey when his very identity is
predicated on a conflict with the gods. Of course,
I'm presupposing that spirituality is unique to
personifiable deities. You know? And I'm--I'm
not sure that's a message we wanna send.

MELISSA BLAKE
Hmm.

The sound of gears working in Tapert's head as he tries to figure out what Hercules just said.

HERCULES
Never mind. Look, for Hercules, losing Iolaus
is like losing a part of himself. He can't just go
on like nothing happened. I mean, he'd have to
question everything that he'd ever believed in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Resurrection."

BRONAGH
You are the chosen one. The druid priests have
called ya here to lead us to freedom! Come with
us. Rest. You'll need your strength.

HERCULES
My strength is useless.

HERCULES (voice-over)
And you can't win a fight if you don't believe in
yourself, especially against another half-god.

MORRIGAN
I want the druids. You can keep your chosen one.

HERCULES (voice-over)
And you know? Sometimes help can come in
a form you least expect.

MABON
How can someone who champions mankind
with all its flaws be so unforgiving with himself?

HERCULES
Because my mistakes kill people.

MABON
Stay with me and I can help you find the path
you're looking for.

HERCULES (voice-over)
What if this druid, Mabon, were to help Hercules
see things in a whole new way?

MABON (voice-over)
The blood of a god flows through your veins but
your true strength comes from your heart. You
must learn to listen to your heart again. If you
can slow its rhythm it will sustain you when you
need it most, even under the water.

HERCULES (voice-over)
And Hercules can use these new skills
he's learned to defeat Morrigan.

MABON
If Morrigan dies, the spirit of justice dies
with her.

HERCULES (voice-over)
Now Hercules is going to have to protect
his enemy which sets up a great conflict for the
next episode.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat Lodge.

HERCULES
But you know? What do I know? I'm just an actor.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ho, an actor with guts! Score
another one for El Sorbo Loco, huh?! Give it up!
Ha-ha-ha!

They all clap. Coyle gets up.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh! Hey! Hey! Thank you everybody. Thank you.
What happened?

ROBERT TAPERT
What happened?

Brown spits.

ROBERT TAPERT
I'll tell ya what happened. Sorbo the Greek's here
comin' up with all the good story ideas, while
you two so-called writers are sittin' there
cookin' like a couple of ballpark wieners!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
What in hell you tryin' to say Tapert?

ROBERT TAPERT
What's the matter, Jerry? Lose your hillbilly decoder
ring? Let me spell it out for ya. You stink out loud!
You couldn't write a cheque!

Brown grabs Tapert and holds a knife at his throat. Friedman smiles.

MELISSA BLAKE
Go, Jerry! Go!

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey! Hey!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Time to throw a Rob on the barbie!

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey! Hey! Kevin! Kevin!

HERCULES
Guys, guys, guys! Come on! Come on! We came
to this retreat to learn how to work together.
Besides, Jerry and Paul have written some of
our best scripts.

Brown burps.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Yeah? Like what?

A clock ticks and dings.

HERCULES
I can't think of any off-hand, but I'm sure they're
out there.

Brown shoves Tapert away.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I appreciate that Sorbo.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, I love you, man.

HERCULES
Thanks.

He sighs.

HERCULES
Okay.

MELISSA BLAKE
Kevin's right. We should be thinking about our
next show.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Greece is for morons. Hercules...does Ireland.
That's chic.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ireland? Hey! Hey! Now, you're talkin' my lingo.
What about this?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules is dressed in a kilt. He plays bagpipes while a leprican dances at his feet.

EXTRA
Oh! What a beautiful Irish spring! Oh! Bless me
lucky charms! Oh! I'm magically delicious!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat Lodge.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho-ho! Sometimes I'm so
brilliant it's frightening

MELISSA BLAKE
Uh, well, you got it half-right.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, hey, you know? It could be like, um, "BraveHeart!"

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Without the Oscars.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I swear there ain't nothin' like an old-fashioned
war story to keep the American public glued to
the tube.

HERCULES
Well, it can't only be a war story. Hercules has
just made it through the hardest time of his life.
I mean, but he didn't do it alone. Now he should
return the favour to someone who needs him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Render Unto Caesar."

EXTRA
Bring her out!

HERCULES
Something I can do for you, gentlemen?

BRONAGH
We've come for Morrigan. The council has
decreed she's to be executed.

HERCULES
I won't let you do that. She's one of the druids now.
They chose her to be the guardian of Justice.

HERCULES (voice-over)
Of course, Herc and Morrigan aren't going to
get along right away.

HERCULES
Drink this. So you don't like tea.

MORRIGAN
Tidyin' me up for a proper execution, are ya?

HERCULES
Hah! Not that you'd notice, but I'm saving your life.

MORRIGAN
Don't make the mistake of thinking there's good
in everybody, Hercules. If anythin', the opposite's
true. Even the best man's got a touch of evil in
him and it's just waitin' for the right time
to show itself.

HERCULES (voice-over)
But what if Morrigan weren't as bad as she claimed?
What is she were under someone else's control?

MORRIGAN
How could you let the druids do this to me?

KURNUNNOS
You let your feelings get the better of you, just
like a mortal. I warn you, don't let your emotion
lead you astray. You won't like the consequences.

HERCULES (voice-over)
But Hercules could suspect something more.

HERCULES
You're lovers, aren't you?

MORRIGAN
That ended a long time ago.

HERCULES
Then why does he still have such a hold on you?

MORRIGAN
I have to obey him.

HERCULES
I don't.

KURNUNNOS
You can never come between us. We share a
bond even you cannot break. Let me introduce
you to her. This is Brigid. She's our daughter.

HERCULES (voice-over)
And you know how Hercules gets when kids
are in danger.

HERCULES
You'd kill your own child.

KURNUNNOS
I can always have more.

HERCULES
Not if I can help it.

KURNUNNOS
Your rage is like none I've ever seen. Join me
and we can divide the world!

HERCULES
I've got a better idea.

MORRIGAN
Hercules, no! You can't just kill him in cold blood.
You know that? Hercules is this what you really want?

HERCULES
You're lucky she's here.

HERECULES (voice-over)
Free from Kurnunnos, Morrigan can finally become
the person she's always wanted to be.

BRIGID
Mommy, look what I found!

MORRIGAN
Ah, that's beautiful, Sweetie. It's just beautiful.
Come here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat Lodge.

HERCULES
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.

ROBERT TAPERT
An actor with courage! Come on gang! It's
Sorbopotamus, three, Renaissance, zero! We
don't deserve to be sweating in this man's company!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah.

MELISSA BLAKE
Speaking of which, if I sit here another second,
(to Hercules) my towel's gonna start melting off.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Guys, you better go on ahead and we'll catch
up later. A-ha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A board is placed on the door, locking them in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat lodge.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh, my god! What was that?!

Hercules tries to open the door.

HERCULES
Now we can start to sweat.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Sweat Lodge.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well I suppose after enough time with you people
death was inevitable. Let me just say it's been
a real detriment knowing you all.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I couldn't 'a said it better my own self.

Coyle burps.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Hmm. Melissa, you know, um, before I go there's
something I'd--I'd like ta, well, I'd--I'd just like ta
I'd like ta play one round of naked leapfrog
with you please.

HERCULES
Hey! Look, everyone! It's Mel Torme!

They all look.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Where?!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Mel?

ROBERT TAPERT
Where?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
What?

MELISSA BLAKE
Mel Torme?

Hercules hits the door and opens it.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh!

HERCULES
Wow!

He chuckles.

HERCULES
The door it just, uh, fell off all by itself!

Tapert sighs.

ROBERT TAPERT
All right everybody let's vamoose. We'll exit in
order of descending salary.

He chuckles.

ROBERT TAPERT
Of course Kevin, that would be you first.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Campfire. Everyone is thinking to themselves.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE (voice-over)
I can't believe it. Somebody's tryin' to kill us.

HERCULES (voice-over)
If this keeps up, I may not be able to keep my
identity a secret much longer.

LIZ FRIEDMAN (voice-over)
How could those bastards cancel "Ellen"?

MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
But Oswald couldn't have gotten off three
shots in under five seconds with that Italian
bolt-action rifle.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN (voice-over)
(singing) Rockets' red glare
Bombs burstin' in air

Tapert picks his nose.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
That's it! I can't stand it anymore! There's something
really funny going on around here!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Not in this episode there isn't.

HERCULES
Paul's right. We should, uh, hit the road.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
All right.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Momentito Sorborito.
I paid a lot of money for this little shindig. So
we're gonna stay here, even if it kills us.

Bates enters to "Psycho" music and flashing lightning. Friedman smiles and pats down her hair. Sunny Day enters.

SUNNY DAY
Norma honey, you know the rule: in the closet
by sundown. Now, get! Go on. Get, get, get.

Bates leaves.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ooh.

SUNNY DAY
Sorry folks. I'm afraid she just hasn't been the
same since Ginger Spice left the group.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Dear God in Heaven! Say it ain't so!

SUNNY DAY
I thought that I would just come around and offer
up a little 'Attaboy' for a super-successful first
day! And as a little reward I brought y'all a plate
of s'mores.

MELISSA BLAKE
Why don't you just inject cellulite into my butt?

Coyle looks at her butt.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey, hey! No, no, no! Nobody gets any s'mores!
We got a season to finish here! Otherwise it's
"Ix-nay, Ercules-Hay!"

They all look at Hercules.

HERCULES
What?

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, come on Sorborella, you know the drill! We
lie here like a bunch of White House interns while
ya stick it to us!

Coyle laughs.

ROBERT TAPERT
Come on, spit it out!

HERCULES
Well, you know if you think about it Hercules has
always fought against the gods because they
only care about themselves. What if he met a god
who was different?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Norse by Norsewest."

BALDER
My name's Balder. This is my brother Thor. And
to take a hit like that, you must be a god, too.

LOKI
You are?

BALDER
This is Hercules. My brother, Loki.

HERCULES
Hi.

HERCULES (voice-over)
But as we know goodness is always a target for
the forces of darkness.

LOKI
What do I do with this?

DAHAK
With this you'll kill a god.

BALDER
Thor wanted to put my fears to rest. He has. I've
been haunted by empty fantasies. See for yourself.
Try to strike me dead.

HERCULES
How about this? You sure this is what you
want? There. Satisfied?

BALDER
Thor!

THOR
Balder!

HERCULES
What happened to him?

THOR
He's dead. You killed him.

HERCULES (voice-over)
Now, to get even with Loki, Hercules is gonna
have to go through Thor.

HERCULES
Loki killed your brother!

THOR
Liar!

HERCULES (voice-over)
But Herc's about to discover that destiny's been
forcing his hand since the moment he arrived.

HERCULES
Somehow, this paint affects fate. You only paint
what you see. But Loki painted what he wanted
to see. And the paint made it happen.

LOKI
Where did you get that?!

HERCULES
You stole yours from the Norn, used it to
change fate.

HERCULES (voice-over)
See? Herc's always believed that destiny is what
you make it. Just because something's written
in ink, doesn't mean it's set in stone.

HERCULES
Not this time. Catch. The dart was poisoned.
Loki just tried to kill you.

LOKI
I hate it when a plan falls apart!

HERCULES (voice-over)
So for the first time in his life, Hercules finds a
god worth saving.

SUNNY DAY (voice-over)
Goodness gracious!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Camp fire.

SUNNY DAY
How do ya manage to paint such a vivid
picture of the ancient Germanic territories, sir?

Friedman catches a fly in her fist and shakes it.

SUNNY DAY
I declare it's like you were actually there.

HERCULES
I, uh, read a lot.

Friedman opens her hand and the fly buzzes. She catches it again and shakes her fist.

SUNNY DAY
Oh.

MELISSA BLAKE
Wait a minute. Hercules saved the Norse
gods, but whoever helped Loki's still out there.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Whe-e-e-e-e! Doggie! Looks like actor boy
doesn't know everything now, does he?

HERCULES
Actually, Jerry, I left that open so we could build
up the mystery of a new villain for the next episode.

Coyle laughs at Brown and Brown hits him.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Are you two losers done, yet?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ah-h!

Brown hits Coyle again.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Now we're done.

ROBERT TAPERT
Go on with your epic Sorbolucci. We're all ears.

HERCULES
Okay, uh, what's the one thing that Hercules
fears the most?

They all think.

FRIEDMAN
Um.

MELISSA BLAKE
O-oh, o-oh.

FRIEDMAN
Uh.

HERCULES
Anybody?

MELISSA BLAKE
Mmm.

HERCULES
Uh, losing the people that he cares about.

ALL
Oh!

HERCULES
See we could have this new villain prey
on that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Darkness Rising."

HERCULES (voice-over)
What if Hercules returned to Ireland to say his
last good-byes to Morrigan?

MORRIGAN
What will you be doing now?

HERCULES
I guess I'll head back to Greece. You know, but
after all that's happened, I wonder if it will still
feel like home.

MORRIGAN
Then stay here with me. We could make this
our home together.

HERCULES
Everybody I get close to dies.

MORRIGAN
What are you talkin' about?

HERCULES
My family, my friends, they're--they're all dead.
I can't take the risk that you'll follow them.

HERCULES (voice-over)
And who better to give advice on matters of the
heart, but an old friend?

MABON
You were raised a half-god among humans, she,
a half-human among gods. Similar wounds
cause similar scars. What heals one wound-

HERCULES
Heals another.

MABON
Maybe I taughtcha somethin' after all?

HERCULES (voice-over)
And so for the first time in a long time Hercules
could open his heart again.

MORRIGAN
Was it just me or, were ya wantin' to say somethin'?

HERCULES
Um, just that...this is...nice.

MORRIGAN
Hmm.

HERCULES (voice-over)
But, of course, there's always a calm
before the storm.

HERCULES
Who did this?

MABON
He's from outside this world, a thing of evil and
incarnate darkness.

HERCULES
Dahak.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Camp fire.

HERCULES
Mmm. But you know? What do I know? I'm--I'm
just an actor.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha! An actor with heart! Well we've got
enough material to get started! Pack your bags
folks, 'cause we're goin' home!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I hear that.

SUNNY DAY
I'm sorry, folks.

Sunny Day holds a gun.

SUNNY DAY
I'm afraid I just can't allow that.

Blake gasps.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

They all enter a cave, Sunny Day behind them, holding the gun.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I don't like the looks of this, no sir.

HERCULES
Me neither.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey, quit pushin'! Oh, I don't wanna die!

SUNNY DAY
Don't be shy folks. No one'll hear you from deep
in this conveniently-placed and totally
abandoned mine. So feel free to scream when
I shootcha.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I can't believe it. It was Sunny Day all along.
Why, Sunny? Why?

SUNNY DAY
No siree! I have watched too much TV to reveal
the motives behind my dastardly plan before
I plug ya.

HERCULES
I know now's not the best time, but this gives me
a great story idea.

ROBERT TAPERT
Cough it up, Sorbs. The sands are runnin'.

HERCULES
Who's the last person in the world you'd expect
to betray Hercules?

ROBERT TAPERT
(to Sunny Day) Could you give us a minute?

SUNNY DAY
Make it quick.

Brown, Tapert, Blake and Coyle huddle.

ROBERT TAPERT
First of all who would?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
What about the kid?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
It's gotta be the little guy.

Friedman moves into a corner.

ROBERT TAPERT
I sign the paychecks so that's what it's gonna be.
Okay, I'll go along the rest of ya block. Okay, one,
two, three-

MELISSA BLAKE
Break!

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Falafel.

Sound of a 'wrong' buzzer.

HERCULES
That's not exactly who I had in mind.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Shoot.

He spits.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, who could it possibly be?

HERCULES
Dahak needed a warrior heart to enter the
world, right? Well, what if Nebula wasn't the only
one who had what he was looking for?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Darkness Rising."

HERCULES (voice-over)
The last person you'd expect to betray Hercules
is the man he's been closest to his whole life.

IOLAUS
Hercules. Boo.

HERCULES
You may have his body, but you're not Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Then, who am I?

He sighs.

IOLAUS
I guess this is a question everybody asks
themselves sooner or later, don't you think? All
Dahak needed was a warrior heart. So when
little Iolaus sacrificed himself for the fair maiden
Nebula, Dahak had everything he needed.

HERCULES (voice-over)
And now Hercules will face the most difficult
challenge of his life, trying to defeat his
best friend.

MORRIGAN
On three!

AGENOR
Two.

NEBULA
One.

IOLAUS
Hercules! You've gotta help me! Please! Come on!

He laughs.

IOLAUS
(speaking demonically) I knew you couldn't
kill me. You're still holding on to what we were.
But it's time to grow up. It'll be a whole new day
in Greece, buddy!

NEBULA
What happened?

HERCULES
He's headed for Greece.

MORRIGAN
So, why are we standing about? Let's do
some damage.

HERCULES
All right then. We stop Dahak together...or we
die trying.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cave.

HERCULES
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.

ROBERT TAPERT
An actor with spunk! An actor with pizzazz!

SUNNY DAY
An actor with ten seconds to live.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, it would have been a great season if we'd
just lived to see it.

HERCULES
Don't hurt them, Sunny. Take me instead.

SUNNY DAY
With pleasure. Say, 'Sayonara,' Sorbo.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh! Ih.

MELISSA BLAKE
Kevin! No!

Bates enters to "Psycho" music and flashing lightning. Sunny Day turns to look and Hercules grabs the gun.

SUNNY DAY
Oh, let go!

Friedman comes out of her corner with a smile upon seeing Bates. Bates grabs Sunny Day but a bullet is shot. It breaks the support beam. They all panic. Friedman gets trapped in a cobweb. Hercules holds the beam. He gets a board.

SUNNY DAY
Lord, have mercy!

Hercules props up the beam with the board. They all face Sunny Day.

ROBERT TAPERT
Why'd you do it, Sunny?

HERCULES
Allow me.

Hercules takes off her mask and reveals Hollinsfoffer.

ALL
B.S. Hollinsfoffer?!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't
been for you meddling kids!

MELISSA BLAKE
Uh, Kevin, how did you know?

HERCULES
I'm glad you asked. It all started at lunch when
I caught wind of a strange smell.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mess hall. The stew is handed to Hercules who smells it.

HERCULES (voice-over)
At first I thought it was Paul, but then I realized it
was a rare and untraceable poison secreted
only from the eyelids of the Galapagos Island
lava lizards.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cave.

MELISSA BLAKE
Oh, that's why you knocked over the stew.
To save our lives!

"Ding, ding, ding."

HERCULES
That's right, Melissa. And on my way to the sweat
lodge, the plot thickened when I heard
singing coming from Cabin number two.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules walks along.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Figaro! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! Figaro! Figa-

Hollinsfoffer sees Hercules.

SUNNY DAY
Oh, Kevin! Ha-ha! What a surprise! I was
just gonna meet you folks at the sweat lodge.
I'll see ya there.

HERCULES (voice-over)
I thought Sunny was just a tenor, but then it
dawned on me, maybe she's not who she
claims to be.

LIZ FRIEDMAN (voice-over)
But how did you know-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cave.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
-that it was B.S. Hollinsfoffer?

HERCULES
I didn't. Not until Sunny and Norma came into
the sweat lodge.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweat lodge.

HERCULES (voice-over)
When no one was looking she handed me a note.

SUNNY DAY
Now, folks this is what we call a sweat
lodge. It's a traditional Navajo-

Hercules opens the note, which reads, "Sunny Day IS B.S. Hollinsfoffer."

SUNNY DAY
-ritual, designed-

HERCULES (voice-over)
That's when I put it all together.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cave.

HERCULES
Huh.

ROBERT TAPERT
So we know who Sunny is, but who's Norma?

Bate takes off the chef hat and wig.

NORMA BATES
Studio security, sir. We knew we had a traitor on
the inside, but I couldn't make my move until I
was sure. Thought you could get away with
it, huh? You make me sick!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Ah-h-h! I was gonna drive you all to kill each other
with these ridiculous group exercises until
Sorbo showed up! Then I realized I had no choice
but to do the job myself.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
There's only one question to be asked. "Why did
you do it, BS?"

Ares appears.

ARES
Because you've got the world believing that good
always triumphs over evil and I just can't
have that.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh-

LIZ FRIEDMAN
My-

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
God-

MELISSA BLAKE
Of-

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
War.

HERCULES
Get used to it, Ares. No matter what you do, no
matter how hard you try, you'll never break our
spirits because there's a little Hercules in everyone
just waiting to come out.

ARES
This is not over, people. (to Hollinsfoffer)
And you, what a disappointment you turned out
to be.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Wait. You promised me my own network.

ARES
Did I say that?

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Yeah.

ARES
I'm sorry. And I've always wanted to say this, but
uh, you will never work in this town again.

Tapert and Ares laugh. Ares disappears.

NORMA BATES
Let's go!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
You haven't seen the last of me! Wherever there's
television, there'll always be B.S.!

Bates takes Hollinsfoffer away.

HERCULES
Ya got that right.

NOMRA BATES
Into the slammer, you traitor!

MELISSA BLAKE
Excuse me, but doesn't it worry anyone that the
God of War is real?!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I find it kind of comforting, myself.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
I wonder if he's interested in his own spin-off.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Wait a minute. If Ares is real, doesn't that mean
there's a real Hercules out there, too?

They all look at Hercules.

HERCULES
Don't look at me. I'm just an actor.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
Michael Hurst as Paul Robert Coyle

GUEST CAST
Renee O'Connor as Sunny Day
Hudson Leick as Liz Friedman
Kevin Smith as Jerry Patrick Brown
Kevin Smith as Ares
Bruce Campbell as Robert Tapert
Lisa Chappell as Melissa Blake
Robert Trebor as B.S. Hollinsfoffer
Tamara Gorski as Norma Bates

Written by: Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci
Directed by: Bruce Campbell

Disclaimer: Due to circumstances beyond our control, some staff members were ridiculed, laughed at and generally made fools of during the production of this motion picture.