Stranger in a Strange World


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


TEASER

The sound of a fight is heard coming from inside a temple.

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Inside. Hercules and Iolaus beat up thugs.

IOLAUS
Don't worry Princess! We're coming!

HERCULES
Iolaus! You all right?!

IOLAUS
Yeah, I got a coupl'a moves I can show him.

GRAVUS
I want blood.

IOLAUS
Oooh.

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Other world. Alternate Gravus is lead to the masked Executioner.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus fights Gravus.

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The Executioner raises her ax.

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Gravus gets ready to fight Iolaus.

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The Executioner cuts of Alternate Gravus' head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gravus dies.

HERCULES
Wow, what'd you do to him?

IOLAUS
I don't know, but it was really good.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Gravus' head sits in a basket.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules feels Gravus' neck.

HERCULES
He's dead.

IOLAUS
Then he died of fright, 'cause I didn't touch him.

Ares appears.

HERCULES
Ares, did you do this?

ARES
Me, kill one of my most, devoted
disciples? I had serious plans for Gravus.
And now, his murderer is gonna join him in
the underworld!

Ares draws his sword. Hercules attacks him and they fight. Iolaus moves to the Princess.

PRINCESS
What is happening?!

IOLAUS
Well, Hercules is fighting Ares.

PRINCESS
Over me?

IOLAUS
No, over me. You see, that's why I can see him,
and you can't. You see, what happens...look out!

Iolaus moves her out of the way and Hercules and Ares crash through the wall. They keep fighting. Ares holds his sword over Hercules.

HERCULES
Uh-oh.

Zeus strikes Ares with a lightning bolt. The vortex opens.

PRINCESS
I thought that you said this was over!

IOLAUS
What is it?

PRINCESS
I think I was better off before you two rescued
me. Goodbye!

She leaves. The Alternate Iolaus jumps out of the vortex. He runs into Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Stop! Wait!

Alternate Iolaus runs off. Soldiers exit and ride at Iolaus.

EXTRA
There he is! Get him!

They grab Iolaus and take him into the vortex which closes.

IOLAUS
Hercules! Hercules!

Ares laughs. He holds Alternate Iolaus, Alernate Iolaus' back to Hercules.

ARES
You lose your little buddy?! Well, I found someone
to take his place!

He laughs and spins Alternate Iolaus around to face Hercules.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus is dragged along.

IOLAUS
Wait. Come on. What are ya? What is this?

They throw him at the Sovereign's feet.

IOLAUS
Is that you?

The Sovereign moves over to him. He wears black leather and a goatee. He is the Alternate Hercules.

IOLAUS
Hercules?

SOVEREIGN
Uh, nice disguise. It almost allowed you to
escape from me.

IOLAUS
Huh?

SOVEREIGN
Too bad it didn't work.

He punches Iolaus.

SOVEREIGN
Yeah.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

HERCULES
Ares, let him go.

Area laughs.

ARES
He's all yours, brother.

He throws Alternate Iolaus to the ground.

HERCULES
Take it easy, take it easy. You're all right.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Oh, thanks. It's like somebody had me by the
scruff of the neck, and then I turn around, there's
nobody there! Uh, you?! Hey! Hey--hey--hey, wait
a minute. Ah--ah, you hear the one about the two
Egyptians and the drunken mummy?!

HERCULES
What?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
No jokes today. Okay. Gimme some room,
gimme some room!

Alternate Iolaus does cartwheels.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Whoo! Ho-ho-ho! Yeah-ha-ha-ha! Whoa, oh.
Oh-oh-oh.

HERCULES
Look, I don't know who you are or, what you're
doing, but we have to talk. Where did you
come from?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Uh, I got my start at the Comedy Cave in
Hellespont. Huh! I know it's a dive, but uh, you
gotta start somewhere, right?!

ARES
He starts to mime, he's a dead man.

Alternate Iolaus starts miming. Ares moves towards him, but Hercules puts up a hand.

HERCULES
Ares.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus wakes up in a prison.

IOLAUS
Hey! You guys in the clown suits! Let me out of
here! I wanna talk to Hercules!

SOLDIER #1
Quiet! When the Sovereign wants to see you,
he'll call your numeral.

IOLAUS
What is this place? What's happening?! I am
not a numeral! I'm a free man!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Iolaus pretends to be a chicken.

HERCULES
Ares, do you have any idea what's going on, here?

ARES
I hate to admit it, but I'm as much in the dark as
you are. Annoying, isn't he?

HERCULES
Oh, yeah.

APHRODITE
Yoo-hoo!

Aphrodite appears in the clouds.

APHRODITE
Geronimo!

She jumps and dives into a puddle.

APHRODITE
Whoo-hoo!

ARES
You gotta hand it to Sis, she really knows how
to make an entrance.

Aphrodite appears before them.

APHRODITE
Huh! Now, that's a rush-and-a-half! And I was
hoping it'd cheer me up, but no such luck.
There's a big problem. Zeus is dying.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus, unseen, plays with a set of teeth, which is hanging in the air.

IOLAUS
Hey, knuckleheads! Wanna hear a good one?!

He laughs.

IOLAUS
That's right, yeah! Come closer. This is really
gonna knock you out!

He laughs. The guards move to the set of wooden teeth and Iolaus drops down on top of them.

IOLAUS
And the tooth shall set me free.

He leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules moves to Aphrodite.

HERCULES
Zeus is dying, the lightning bolts and this
gateway opening up. That's no coincidence.

APHRODITE
He barely had the strength to break it up
between you two.

HERCULES
You go tell Zeus, if I'm gonna help him, he's
gotta help me find Iolaus.

ARES
I'll go, too. I wanna get to the bottom of this. If
something where-

He uses his power to bring Alternative Iolaus over.

ARES
-he came from is killing the old man, I might be next.

Ares disappears.

APHRODITE
Herc, I know things have never been exactly
copasetic between you two, but maybe you
oughtta think about paying him a visit.

HERCULES
Well, we have had our problems, but I always
thought there'd be time to work things out. Tell
Zeus that I'll do what I can.

Aphrodite disappears. Alternate Iolaus runs into the temple.

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Alternate Iolaus looks for a place to hide. He runs into Hercules and screams.

HERCULES
Hi.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Whoa! Oh, please, please make it fast and
painless! I mean I know--I know I got a little pain
coming, but please make it fast!

HERCULES
Come on, come on. Get up, get up. Don't you
understand? This is not where you came from.
I'm not who you think I am.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Oh, I get it! I should be happy because I've
escaped from that monster!

HERCULES
What monster? Who were you running from?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
You.

HERCULES
Me?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sovereign grabs Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Yah! Oh! You! Just the guy I was looking for!
Hercules, what is going on?

SOVEREIGN
You, uh, said that name before. Hmm, Hercules.
My mother called me that.

IOLAUS
Y--you see, this is good! Go with this! Think of
Alcmene.

SOVEREIGN
Alcmene?

IOLAUS
Huh!

SOVEREIGN
She abandoned me!

He breaks a pot.

SOVEREIGN
No!

IOLAUS
Okay, uh, you know, something tells me, uh,
you're not the guy I was looking for, huh. Oh my
goodness, where has the day gone? Ha-ha. I
better be going.

He turns to leave, but the Sovereign stands in his way.

IOLAUS
Yah-h-h!

SOVEREIGN
Getting cold feet, are we? Well, think how
I must feel on my wedding day! Ha-ha! Ahh, I'm
lucky to have you as a best man! Come on!

Iolaus coughs.

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Hercules looks at Alternate Iolaus.

HERCULES
Oh, come on, uh, me, a tyrant! I mean, you're
joking, right?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
No, no, you're--you're a heartless psycho
that'd kill at the drop of a mood swing!

HERCULES
Really?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Mmm, look!

He points to Gravus.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Need I say more?

HERCULES
Oh, uh, nobody killed him. He just keeled over.

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The Sovereign brings Iolaus to his torture room.

SOVEREIGN
You're just in time for the unveiling of my newest
exhibition.

IOLAUS
That's sick.

Alternate Gravus is hanging, dead.

SOVEREIGN
Inspired, isn't it? The leader of the rebels who
were plotting against me gutted and
stuffed for all to see.

IOLAUS
Wait a minute.

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Alternate Iolaus looks at Gravus.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
I know this guy!

HERCULES
You do?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Yeah, only the last time I saw him, the Sovereign
had him-

He moves a hand across his throat.

HERCULES
Did this happen before you came through the
gateway?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Hmm.

HERCULES
Then that explains how Gravus died. There must
be one of everybody on both worlds and when
one dies-

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Torture room.

IOLAUS
-the other one dies at the same time. That has
to be it.

SOVEREIGN
Ah, we could stay here and admire this all day.
But, we've got a wedding to get to.

IOLAUS
Wait.

SOVEREIGN
Let's go.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

IOLAUS
But, I keep telling you, I switched places with
your Iolaus. I'm not the guy that's supposed to
be here.

SOVEREIGN
You always make me laugh. There'll be a
place for you in Olympus after I'm hitched to the
Queen of the Gods.

IOLAUS
You're marrying Hera?

SOVEREIGN
The Goddess of Music? Don't be ridiculous.
You know very well I'm marrying Aphrodite.

IOLAUS
Aphrodite's queen. Okay, but wait! But doesn't
that mean Aphrodite's married already? I mean,
Zeus is still King of the Gods, isn't he?

SOVEREIGN
Of course, Zeus is king!

He picks him up.

SOVEREIGN
Why are you asking these idiotic questions?!
Start acting like yourself, and start amusing
me, or, I swear-

SOLDIER #2
Sovereign! The queen wishes an audience.

SOVEREIGN
Oh-h-h.

He drops Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Ah-h-h!

SOVEREIGN
Very well! Show her in. She could just pop
in, but she likes to make an entrance.

IOLAUS
Great. Aphrodite's my buddy, she'll help me get
out of this nut house.

Alternate Aphrodite enters, dressed in a non-reveling dress.

IOLAUS
Aphrodite? You're all covered up!

The Sovereign hits him.

SOVEREIGN
Watch your mouth. That's my blushing bride! He
has a point. It wouldn't kill you it all hang out.

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
Please, no! It's not ladylike!

SOVEREIGN
Aw.

IOLAUS
Aphrodite's shy. Wow.

SOVEREIGN
My dear, it gets so empty with you gone to
Olympus. How is Father?

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
I'm afraid you know all too well! Zeus is dying.

The Sovereign gasps.

IOLAUS
Zeus is dying?! Unbelievable.

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
I've come to ask that you call off this farce
of a wedding before it's too late.

SOVEREIGN
You mean, too late for your precious Zeus.
Have you forgotten our pact? Marry me, and
I'll provide the cure for the poison that's
killing him. Then I'll get to work slaughtering
every last puny mortal who opposes me
and leave the world to my worshippers, while we
reign as king and queen of Olympus for eternity.

He kisses her.

IOLAUS
You're a goddess! Why don't you stand up to him?!

SOVEREIGN
Because she knows better! As should you.

He picks him up.

SOVEREIGN
I may be a cur, but I'm the cur with the cure.
I like that.

He drops him.

SOVEREIGN
(to Aphrodite) Now go. You have a wedding to
prepare for.

She starts to walk out.

SOVEREIGN
And then we're off to Olympus to launch my plan.
I have waited long enough.

He sits his throne.

SOVEREIGN
And by the way...

Alternate Aphrodite looks back.

SOVEREIGN
I'm looking forward to the honeymoon.

He laughs and she leaves.

IOLAUS
You are insane!

SOVEREIGN
Ah, thank you. Imagine, a bastard like me
reigning supreme as King of the Gods.

Someone steps out behind the Sovereign with a whip.

IOLAUS
It's not gonna be as long as you think.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Alternate Xena attacks the Sovereign with a scream. He grabs her and pulls her into his lap. She has short cut hair that comes to her ears and wears a low cut dress.

ALTERNATE XENA
You're not gonna punish me, are you?

SOVEREIGN
You wish.

She giggles.

IOLAUS
Xena? You're with him?

Alternate Xena kicks him in the crotch.

ALTERNATE XENA
When I want a eunuch, I'll ask for you.

She holds up her whip.

SOVEREIGN
I see you brought a new love-toy.

ALTERNATE XENA
Oh, Sov, you're so...you're so good when you're bad.

He throws her and she flips with a laugh. He flips after her. He runs into her and falls to the ground. She lands onto of him with a squeal.

SOVEREIGN
Ow! Oh, I could play like this all day. Unfortunately,
I gotta get married.

ALTERNATE XENA
Oh, that's all right. We'll have plenty of time to
play after the honeymoon.

He pushes Alternate Xena off of him and she flips through the air. She lands on a bed and giggles. The Sovereign jumps and lands on her.

ALTERNATE XENA
Don't ever let her change you. If she has her way,
you'll be wearing a maid's outfit and a collar.

SOVEREIGN
Sounds more like your style, not Aphrodite's.

He spins her and she moves along, knocking over pots.

ALTERNATE XENA
Wow, wow, wow, wow.

The Sovereign moves over to her and they wrestle, knocking things over. Iolaus jumps as a pot comes flying at his feet. Another hits him.

IOLAUS
Their foreplay's gonna get me killed!

They fall to the ground.

SOVEREIGN
Okay, enough for now.

She crawls to him, growling. He holds up a finger and stands. He pulls her up by her chakram necklace.

ALTERNATE XENA
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Hmm. Hmm.

SOVEREIGN
Oh, I almost forgot. I need a token of my undying
love to present Aphrodite at the wedding.

Alternate Xena hits his hand and he lets go.

ALTERNATE XENA
Not that one, it's my favourite.

He pulls a jewel off her dress.

SOVEREIGN
Oh. This will do.

He throws it to Iolaus.

SOVEREIGN
Here! Sit on it till the wedding!

ALTERNATE XENA
You're not gonna forget me when you're married
to her, are you?

SOVEREIGN
A-ha-ha, don't worry. You'll be riding my coattails
straight into Olympus, like you planned all along,
right?

ALTERNATE XENA
Little old me?

The Sovereign laughs.

SOVEREIGN
Ah-h! She's quite a doll, isn't she?!
There's a world of scheming going on behind
those baby blues.
ALTERNATE XENA
If you mean, where would your plan be without
my secret stash of hind blood, then, hmm, ah-h,
I guess you do kinda need me.

IOLAUS
Oh, but wait! Wait a minute. Let me get this straight!

SOVEREIGN
Go make yourself useful! Throw me a--a bachelor
party or something. Whoa, baby.

The Sovereign runs at Alternate Xena and she squeals. He picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. He laughs.

SOVEREIGN
You are gonna scream, now.

She squeals as her takes her away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus moves along.

ALTERNATE ARES
Hey.

Alternate Ares appears in a flash of red. He wears an Elvis suit and has no beard.

ALTERNATE ARES
Not so fast.

IOLAUS
Ares. Ares, this is, uh, a new look for you.

ALTERNATE ARES
What did you expect? I am the God o' Love.

He makes a couch appear.

ALTERNATE ARES
That's better.

He sits.

ALTERNATE ARES
Now, it's a love thing. I got a favour to ask.
Poor Sis, is being bullied into marrying
the Sovereign. All of Olympus is helpless, as
long as Xena keeps him supplied with hind's
blood. Now, if you could keep close tabs maybe
find out where she's hiding it...

IOLAUS
Look, I'll do what I can, but you have to understand
I'm not the Iolaus you think I am. We switched
places. I'm from another world. And you know,
it'd really help if you stood up to the Sovereign
yourself, sometime.

ALTERNATE ARES
Oh, it is times like this I regret the fact that I'm
a lover, not a fighter.

IOLAUS
Okay. Look, if the Hercules here, is the same
as the Hercules back there, then he can't be all
bad. I'll just have to appeal to that part of him
that's hidden deep inside.

ALTERNATE ARES
I'll be forever grateful.

IOLAUS
Wait--wait--wait--wait! Who's the God of War
around here?

ALTERNATE ARES
Sh-h! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't even think
about him. The last thing we need around here
is that maniac, Cupid, showing up. Mmm!

Alternate Ares disappears.

IOLAUS
Cupid? God of War? Weird.

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Hercules and Alternative Iolaus come out of the temple.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Then I was looking behind me, and I could see
these horses, and they were catching up, and
then I felt like someone grab me by the neck,
and then I was here.

Aphrodite and Ares appear. Alternate Iolaus can't see them.

HERCULES
Well?

APHRODITE
He's worse. I tried feeding him ambrosia broth.
He could barely keep it down.

HERCULES
Ares, you and I are gonna have to give Zeus a
good, swift kick.

ARES
Meaning?

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Talking to Ares, huh? Saying a little prayer to
the God of Love?

ARES
Me...the God of Love?

He laughs.

HERCULES
Oh.

Aphrodite and Ares appear to Alternate Iolaus as well. Aphrodite laughs.

APHRODITE
Hi, there. Name's Aphrodite and the, uh, walking
bad attitude is Ares.

He glares at her and she kisses the air.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Ares!

He laughs.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Uuuh! What's with the basic black? Last time I
saw you, you were convening the summer of love.

Ares pulls Alternate Iolaus to him.

ARES
Insolent toad!

HERCULES
That's enough, Ares. You want a fight, I'm your man.

Ares drops Alternate Iolaus.

ARES
You wanna have at it again? Why? What are you
up too?

HERCULES
Well, a little divine intervention.

APHRODITE
Like getting Zeus to throw another lightning
fit and re-open the gateway.

HERCULES
Yep.

ARES
Ordinarily, I'd jump at a chance like this, but, uh,
the prospect of Zeus dying is not something I'd
considered. Maybe it's time for the old man to
step aside for some new blood, huh?

HERCULES
And I wonder who that would be?

ARES
Who better?

APHRODITE
Ares, he's your father.

ARES
He always liked you two better than me!
I'm outta here.

Ares disappears. Aphrodite follows.

HERCULES
Ares? The God of Love?

Alternate Iolaus nods.

HERCULES
Weird.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Food is brought to the Sovereign.

SOVEREIGN
Where's my food-taster?

The food taster takes a bite of the apple in the Sovereign's hand.

IOLAUS
Sovereign? I'd really like to have a word.

The food-taster dies.

SOVEREIGN
Later, I have to make an announcement, first.

He throws away his apple and moves to his thrown to address the people before him.

SOVEREIGN
Today is my wedding day. To celebrate, I've
decided to reduce the prison population by
clearing a few cells.

PRISONER
Praise you, Sovereign.

IOLAUS
You're setting them free! Way to go! This is good.

SOVEREIGN
Who said anything about free?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They are brought to the torture room.

EXTRA
Move along!

EXTRA
Let's go!

EXTRA
Move along!

EXTRA
Come on!

SOVEREIGN
Release the executioner!

The Prisoner is tied to the block. Alternate Xena enters with a green and black striped box. She shows it off and then opens it. The Executioner twirls around the room.

EXTRA
Stand back!

EXTRA
Give him room.

The Executioner stands with her ax over the prisoner.

IOLAUS
Wait! You can't do this!

Alternate Xena joins the Sovereign, excited.

IOLAUS
There's gotta be a better way to get your kicks.
Today, of all days.

SOVEREIGN
You are supposed to amuse me. You
haven't been doing a very good job.

IOLAUS
Ah, well, hey. Give me half a chance. I'm a million
laughs! You ain't seen nothin' yet!

SOVEREIGN
Oh, very well. Make me laugh, and I'll spare their
miserable lives.

Iolaus laughs.

IOLAUS
Ah-h-h! (singing) The Sovereign is his name;
His game is fear and pain.
He'll watch 'em die, won't even cry.
He really is insane.

He runs his head into a dummy's shield. The dummy turns and hits him again.

ALTERNATE XENA
Pitiful. Pitiful.

Alternate Aphrodite and Alternate Ares appear, laughing.

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
He's really very funny!

ALTERNATE ARES
Oh, come on, Sovereign, give it up! The poor guy's
pouring his heart out, here.

SOVEREIGN
I've seen funnier.

Iolaus laughs.

IOLAUS
(singing) This really ain't magic,
They call me Herc's side-kick.
If this don't work, I'll be a wreck.
And-

PRISONER
And we'll all lose our necks?

IOLAUS
Hey! That's great!

The guillotine comes down before Iolaus. He faints. Alternate Aphrodite and Alternate Ares laugh.

ALTERNATE XENA
Amazing, she can smile without cracking that
frigid little face.

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
One of these days, I'd like to crack something
of yours.

ALTERNATE XENA
O-o-o-h.

IOLAUS
(singing) His girlfriend Xena's crass;
A heartless witch, no class.
If Zeus were well, he'd cast a spell,
And knock her-

He falls over a coffin.

IOLAUS
A-a-a-h-h-h!

Alternate Aphrodite and Alternate Ares laugh. The Sovereign yawns.

IOLAUS
(to severed head) Oh, boy, tough crowd, tough
crowd.

SOVEREIGN
Enough! You have failed. Let their deaths
be on your head.

He gets ready to motion for the Executioner to continue.

IOLAUS
Stop! Please! Think about it. The Hercules I know
he--he's not a monster. He's a hero. Come on.
Listen to your heart.

The Sovereign laughs.

SOVEREIGN
My...my heart. Now that is funny.

PRISONER
You did it. You really did it.

ALTERNATE XENA
What is this? You promised me an execution.

SOVEREIGN
I did, didn't I?

He motions to the Executioner and she kills the Prisoner.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

IOLAUS
You said you'd spare them!

SOVEREIGN and ALTERNATE XENA
Ooops!

Iolaus gets ready to attack the Sovereign, but guards grab him.

SOVEREIGN
You could use an attitude adjustment. Lock
him up.

IOLAUS
You can't do this to me!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus is thrown in the cell.

HEAD GUARD
Go ahead, make him laugh.

IOLAUS
You? What are you doing here?!

Alternate Joxer hits him and laughs.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Shut up, scum.

IOLAUS
Wow. Joxer, you pack a heck of a punch
in this world.

Alternate Joxer grabs his neck.

EXTRA
Yeah, get him and rip his face off.

ALTERNATE JOXER
I'm gonna enjoy tearing the Sovereign's
boot-licker apart, limb by limb.

He squeezes tighter.

HEAD GUARD
When you're ready to apologize to the Sovereign,
give a yell. 'Til then, enjoy your new friends.

The guards leave.

EXTRA
Yeah, they're gone. All clear.

Alternate Joxer lets go of Iolaus.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Sorry, Iolaus, I had to make it look real.

IOLAUS
Oh, right, yeah, that was very good.

ALTERNATE JOXER
If they thought you were with us, you'd be dead
now. You know, uh, when Gravus got killed and
you ran away, we were afraid you'd never come
back again.

IOLAUS
You're the rebels the Sovereign was talking about.

EXTRA
That's right.

Alternate Joxer draws a dagger.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Here, you can use this.

IOLAUS
What for? To cut the cake?

ALTERNATE JOXER
Quit joking. If you're gonna assassinate the
Sovereign, you better start taking this seriously.

IOLAUS
Me? An assassin? Forget it!

ALTERNATE JOXER
It all depends on you. You're the only he trusts.
You're the only one he can get close enough to.
Now, look, he's gonna be at his most vulnerable
when he says his wedding vows. And that's gonna
be your best and last chance.

IOLAUS
Joxer, there's gotta be another way. I mean, you're
talking about killing a man in cold blood.

ALTERNATE JOXER
It's not a man, it's the Sovereign. It's the
most bloodthirsty monster in this world or on
Olympus. Iolaus, you're our only hope.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Iolaus and Hercules are outside.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
It's gotta be done. Maybe, if I got a second
chance, I could be more like your friend. More
man than mouse.

HERCULES
Whatever destiny you were fated for, it looks like
Iolaus has stepped into your shoes.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
The shoes of an assassin. Oh, I'm such a
spineless coward. I--I ran away from the only
brave thing anybody's ever asked me to do. He's
killing Zeus! And then, after that it'll be the
rest of the world, all except his followers, who
will go together to make his great master race.
Oh, it just hit me, when the Sovereign killed
Gravus, he died here, which means-

HERCULES
If the Sovereign is killed, I may die at the same
time. Yeah, I know. I've thought of that, already.
Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules steps into the temple.

HERCULES
Zeus isn't the only one who needs a good,
swift kick.

He throws a pot against the wall. He starts to break things and Aphrodite appears.

APHRODITE
Herc, is this the time for a temper tantrum?

HERCULES
It is, if it gets Ares' attention. Ares, you fake!
You're a coward!

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Yeah! Yeah! Come on, Ares! Get down here!

HERCULES
I'm calling you out, Ares!

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Yeah, come on! Come out, come out, wherever
you are!

APHRODITE
Ares, this whole basic black thing is like so five
minutes ago.

Aphrodite puts a blonde wig and pink dress on one of the warrior statues and squeals.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Come on!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus is in the prison. Alternate Joxer joins him.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Well, have you made up your mind?

IOLAUS
This won't mean anything to you, but where I
come from, your Sovereign, is--is the best man
I know. And don't tell me the stakes, I
know what they are. Genocide. The end of the
world as we know it. Both our worlds. And it's
not as if I haven't taken a life before. It's just, it's
always been in self-defense...never in--never
in cold blood.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Whatever we've become, it's what the Sovereign
made us. But if we have become as cold
blooded as him, then, so be it.

IOLAUS
Yeah, it's really simple, isn't it?

ALTERNATE JOXER
Yeah.

IOLAUS
In order to save the world, I've got to kill my best
friend and all the future good he would have done.

ALTERNATE JOXER
In your heart, you know it's the only way.

IOLAUS
What would Hercules say if he was here? He'd
tell me to--to do what's best for the greater good.
Okay, I'll do it.

Alternate Joxer gives him the dagger and Iolaus hides it in his cloak.

IOLAUS
Guards, I'm ready to apologize. Take me to
the Sovereign.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Temple.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules keeps breaking things. Ares appears.

ARES
All right! That's enough!

Alternate Iolaus hides behind Aphrodite.

HERCULES
Aw! I'm just gettin' started!

Hercules breaks a statue.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
He's really mad! Look! He's got smoke coming
out of his ears.

Ares' face is red and smoke comes out of his ears.

APHRODITE
Ares, don't wig out on us.

Aphrodite puts the blonde wig on Ares. She laughs and he pulls it off.

ARES
That's it, pretty boy! Let's step outside!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Xena pops up behind the wedding cake. She takes out the Alternate Aphrodite doll and puts in one of her. She turns her doll and the Sovereign's doll to face each other.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Ares holds up a scroll. Iolaus enters.

SOVEREIGN
Glad you could make it.

IOLAUS
I'd hate to disappoint you.

SOVEREIGN
Mmm.

Iolaus stands beside him. Alternate Aphrodite enters, Alternate Xena holding her trail.

ALTERNATE XENA
You look lovely in virginal black. About old Zeus,
is it true that he throws those thunderbolts, 'cause
they're the only thing about him big and stiff?
Well, is it?

Alternate Aphrodite join the Sovereign and Alternate Xena stands beside her.

ALTERNATE ARES
It is my sad duty, to join this man and this woman
in unholy matrimony. If anyone present objects
to this union, speak now, or forever hold your
peace. Please, someone, speak.

A man clears his throat, but guards hold swords on him. He steps back.

SOVEREIGN
Nope, nobody objects. Get on with it.

ALTERNATE ARES
Do you have the necklace?

ALTERNATE XENA
(to Iolaus) You're on, fool.

IOLAUS
Oh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares and Hercules fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus gives the Sovereign the necklace.

SOVEREIGN
Thank you. Hmm.

Alternate Xena pushes Alternate Aphrodite to the Sovereign. He puts the necklace on her.

SOVEREIGN
My bride. We are going to rule supreme. you
and I-

Alternate Xena blows her nose on Alternate Aphrodite's trail.

SOVEREIGN
-with all Olympus at our feet, all mankind at
our mercy.

ALTERNATE XENA
(crying) It's so beautiful.

ALTERNATE ARES
I now regretfully, pronounce you king and queen.

SOVEREIGN
(to Aphrodite) Oh, go ahead. Fight me. I'll enjoy it.

IOLAUS
Forgive me, Hercules.

Iolaus draws the dagger and attacks the Sovereign who grabs his wrist and punches him.

SOVEREIGN
I didn't think you had it in you, old friend.

He throws Iolaus into the crowd and then moves to him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares and Hercules fight.

ARES
Fun's over.

Zeus throws a lighting bolt and opens the vortex.

HERCULES
Thanks! It worked!

Hercules moves to the vortex.

ARES
I helped him?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sovereign and Iolaus fight.

SOVEREIGN
I'm sorry, did that hurt?

He hits him again.

IOLAUS
No, but that did.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison.

HEAD GUARD
Get up there! That crowd's an ugly mess!

SOLDIER #2
Yes, sir! Hurry!

ALTERNATE JOXER
What's happening?

HEAD GUARD
Somebody was foolish enough to try and kill the
Sovereign. Now, he's paying the price.

ALTERNATE JOXER
It's a diversion. Look, make me a deal, and
I'll--I'll finger the real assassin.

HEAD GUARD
If you know something you'll spill it or I'll-

ALTERNATE JOXER
Okay, okay. It's um, it's-

He pulls the Head Guard into the bars, knocking him out. The rebels escape.

EXTRA
Let's go!

EXTRA
Come on!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sovereign fights Iolaus.

SOVEREIGN
I am very disappointed in you.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Hey.

The rebels enter and fight the soldiers. Alternate Xena jumps on Alternate Joxer.

ALTERNATE JOXER
Go on! Ow! Get off of me! Let go, witch!

Alternate Xena fights Alternate Joxer. Her chakram necklace goes flying across the floor. Alternate Xena runs after it. Sovereign fights the rebels. Alternate Xena crawls to the chakram necklace. A soldier is in her way. She hits his leg.

ALTERNATE XENA
Get out of here!

Iolaus fights soldiers. Alternate Xena picks up her necklace. Iolaus moves over to her.

IOLAUS
I noticed before, you're awfully fond of that pendant.

ALTERNATE XENA
Well, a girl's nothing without her baubles.

IOLAUS
Ah, the Xena I know is a lot smarter than
that. My guess, you are, too!

He takes the necklace.

ALTERNATE XENA
Gimme, gimme.

Alternate Xena kicks him, but he holds her off.

IOLAUS
Yeah, like I thought. This is thehind's blood
you're using to poison Zeus with.

ALTERNATE XENA
He's got the hind's blood! Get him!

No one does. Alternate Xena jumps on him.

IOLAUS
Quick! They've lost their secret weapon! Show
them your stuff!

ALTERNATE ARES
With pleasure.

Alternate Aphrodite moves over to Alternate Xena and punches her.

ALTERNATE XENA
I'll get you, little goddess!

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
Eat cake, baby!

Alternate Aphrodite punches her and Alternate Xena's flies into the cake.

ALTERNATE XENA
Why, I oughtta!

Alternate Xena attacks her and the sound of a hissing cat is heard. Alternate Xena throws Alternate Aphrodite into the cake.

ALTERNATE XENA
Empty calories or no calories!

They throw each other into the cake. Alternate Ares walks along, spreading love where he goes. Alternate Xena and Alternate Aphrodite fight in the cake. The Sovereign fights the rebels. Alternate Xena and Alternate Aphrodite fight in the cake. The Sovereign holds a rebel.

SOVEREIGN
Release the executioner!

Alternate Xena holds up her thumbs.

ALTERNATE XENA
Yeah.

A soldier opens the box. Alternate Xena and Alternate Aphrodite stop fighting and watch. The Sovereign fights. The Executioner spins out and into the room. She spins to Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Chill out.

Iolaus punches her and he and Alternate Joxer sit her up. Iolaus takes off her hood to reveal Alternate Gabrielle.

ALTERNATE GABRIELLE
Where's that Trojan elephant that stopped me?!

She passes out. The Sovereign fights. He throws a rebel into the guillotine.

SOVEREIGN
Good-bye.

The Sovereign cuts the rebel in half. Alternate Joxer and Iolaus stand. The vortex opens.

IOLAUS
Hercules did it. I gotta go.

ALTERNATE JOXER
We'll take it from here. Go with the gods.

Iolaus leaves. The rebels beat up on the Sovereign. He knocks them off and runs after Iolaus. Alternate Ares and Alternate Aphrodite move in on Alternate Xena.

ALTERNATE XENA
Now, guys, I think we should talk.

She throws her shoe which works like the chakram. She catches her shoe.

ALTERNATE XENA
Woo, I guess I had more skills than I thought.

She runs off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Iolaus and Hercules stand before the vortex.

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
I don't know if I can be a hero when I get back,
but I'm gonna try!

HERCULES
That's all any of us can do! Good luck, my friend!

ALTERNATE IOLAUS
Thanks!

They run into the vortex.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus and the Sovereign run into the vortex. The Sovereign grabs Iolaus and takes the necklace. Hercules enters and hits him.

HERCULES
Run, Iolaus!

Hercules and Iolaus run one way and Alternate Iolaus the other.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Iolaus jumps back into his world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules and Iolaus jump back into their world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Iolaus laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The vortex closes, trapping the Sovereign.

SOVEREIGN
No. No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus and Hercules stand together.

IOLAUS
Hercules, you have no idea how close it was.
He has a pendant full of hind blood.

HERCULES
Hind blood? Well hopefully he's trapped between
both worlds, now.

Aphrodite and Ares appear.

APHRODITE
Guess we better see how Dad's doing. Good to
have you back, Curly.

ARES
How I hate happy endings.

They disappear.

IOLAUS
You know, I almost did a terrible thing over
there. I...

HERCULES
You did what you had to do, Iolaus. I'm just glad
it didn't work out like you planned. So do you think
I look better with a beard or without a beard?

Iolaus gives him a look.

HERCULES
Ah.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Kevin Sorbo as the Sovereign
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
Michael Hurst as Alternate Iolaus

GUEST CAST
Lucy Lawless as Alternate Xena
Renee O'Connor as Alternate Gabrielle
Kevin Smith as Ares
Kevin Smith as Alternate Ares
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Alexandra Tydings as Alternate Aphrodite
Ted Raimi as Alternate Joxer
Dean Stewart as Gravus
Roy Bonnell as Frailus
Amber Sainsbery as Princess
Bruce Barfield as Prisoner
William Davis as Head Guard
Albert Heimuli as Soldier #1
Kevin Alexander as Soldier #2
Amanda Rees as Matron #1

Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Michael Levine

Disclaimer: No beard-wearing, love-spewing, smooth talking, Ares impersonaters were harmed during the production of this motion picture.