Yes, Virgina, There is a Hercules


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


TEASER

Clips from "Atlantis." The village of Atlantis crumbles.

EXTRA
It's coming down!

EXTRA
Come on!

EXTRA
Hurry!

HERCULES
Sorry to crash the party, but Cassandra's coming
with me. Party's over.

EXTRA
Quickly! Quickly!

KING PANTHEUS
Hercules!

EXTRA
Hurry!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Life. "Robert Tapert, Executive Producer of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys," wakes up with a sleeping mask over his eyes.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ah-h! Oh, no. I'm blind! I swear, from now on, I'll
sing in the shower instead. I'll-

The phone rings and he picks it up.

ROBERT TAPERT
Who is this and why are you calling me at six
o' two AM?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand. "Eric Gruendemann, the on-set producer" talks to Tapert.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Rob! Rob, it's me, Eric! Aw, thank goodness
you're not dead!

ROBERT TAPERT
What was your first clue?

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Well, we heard you had an earthquake last night.
It was all over the news here! Didn't you feel it?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tapert's.

ROBERT TAPERT
Eric, I'm a producer. I don't feel anything.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Aw, I'm glad to hear it-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
-'cause Rob, apart from the fact that it's still
raining, I've got some bad news.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tapert's. Gruendemann mumbles something.

ROBERT TAPERT
What?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Liz Friedmann, producer," beats on punching bag. Her phone rings.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
This'd better be good.

She answers the phone.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Aw, Rob, I was just thinkin' about you.

She looks at a picture of Tapert on the wall with knifes in it.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
No, my weekends wouldn't be complete without
a little taste of Tapert.

Tapert can be heard mumbling.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
What?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the woods. "Jerry Patrick Brown, head writer," watches soldiers move through the bushes. One soldier is caught up in a rope. He screams.

EXTRA
Get me down from here!

Brown swings by firing.

EXTRA
Where'd he go?!

PAINTBALL PLAYER
Shut up!

Brown hangs down behind them.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Howdy.

They turn around and he shoots them.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Hey, boys.

PAINTBALL PLAYER
Aw, you can't use traps in paintball!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Paintball ain't just a game, soldier. It's a metaphor
for life! It's survival of the fittest! Search and
destroy! Kill or be killed! These are a few o' my
favourite things.

His cell phone rings and he answers.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Abel, Baker, Charlie, niner, niner, identify yourself,
come on!

The speaker can be heard mumbling

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Liz! You on a secure line?

Friedman can be heard mumbling.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Uh-huh. I'll be right there.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Las Vegas. "Viva Las Vegas" plays.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The music continues in one of the gambling places.

EXTRA
Snake eyes. Better luck next time.

EXTRA
Mr. Bond, your baccarat table is ready. Mr. Bond,
your baccarat table is ready.

"Paul Robert Coyle, writer," sits at a gambling table, smoking.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Where's Lady Luck when I need her?

EXTRA
Mr. Dineiro.

A waitress enters with a phone.

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Call for you, Mr. Coyle.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh there you are. Say, I've forgotten my phone
number. Can I use yours?

COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Drop dead, ya geek!

He picks up the phone.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Lenny, I told you, please don't call me here. I'll
have the money for you by next week. I'm sorry,
I just can't get it together.

The speaker can be heard mumbling.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh, Liz. Hi, how are ya? The office? Now? Wait
a minute, I got a better idea. Why don't you come
over to my place? I got a new waterbed. We
could play submarine.

Friedman hangs up.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Hello?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room. Coyle builds a card house and Friedman blows it down.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
For the last time, Jerry, nobody's bugging the
office.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
That, is exactly what they wan'cha to think.
Hmm?

Tapert enters.

ROBERT TAPERT
You know who loses with these weekend meetings,
people? Me!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
But, you called the meeting, Rob.

ROBERT TAPERT
Don't change the subject. All right, let's get started.
Wait a second. Who's missing?

Tapert hits the intercom.

ROBERT TAPERT
Melissa?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside of the Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
Is this thing working? Hello?

"Melissa Blake, Rob Tapert's Assistant" files her nails at her desk.

MELISSA BLAKE
Rob, how nice to hear from you. Coffee? Tea?
Prozac?

ROBERT TAPERT
Where the hell are Alex and Bob?

MELISSA BLAKE
I'll find out.

ROBERT TAPERT
You know, that's what I love about you. You're
always-

She turns off the intercom.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
-fai-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a beep where "Alex Kurtzman, writer," and "Roberto Orci, writer," are sleeping. Kurtzman wakes up.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Oh! Ow! Hello?

MELISSA BLAKE
Rise and shine, losers.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Oh, Melissa, hello.

MELISSA BLAKE
Everyone's waiting for you in the conference
room.

ALEX KURTZMAN
What, they need our help?! Okay, okay! We'll be
right there! Bob!

He wakes up Orci.

ROBERTO GASTON ORCI
Huh? Huh?

ALEX KURTZMAN
Wake up! Wake up! Now's the time to show
our stuff!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kurtzman and Orci come out of the closet that is in the conference room.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Hi, everybody.

Orci whispers in Kurtzman's ear.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Bob says hi, too.

ROBERT TAPERT
When are you two losers gonna get your own
apartment?

ALEX KURTZMAN
Hey, this is our first job in Hollywood. We want
you all to know we're here for you twenty-four
hours a day.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Is that a good thing?

ALEX KURTZMAN
Well, you know, I was just telling Bob that-

Orci hits him.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Cut it out.

ROBERT TAPERT
All right, shut up, the both of you, and sit down.
Now, I have a fishing trip planned today, and the
sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can
leave. Now, then, we got a problem, people and
it's not pretty. Our bread and butter, the big cheese,
the top banana, has vamoosed.

No one speaks.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, for crying out loud, people...Kevin Sorbo
has disappeared.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Conference room.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
What do you mean, Kevin Sorbo's gone missing?
No star, no show. No show, no paycheck. No
paycheck, no kneecaps. I got debts!

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, he was supposed to arrive in New Zealand
this morning, but he didn't show.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I propose we send a recon team, Tapert. Back
in Korea, we had a saying. You never leave a
man behind.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
When were you in Korea?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I was there for the Olympics, Missy! It was hell.

Tapert hits the intercom.

ROBERT TAPERT
Melissa, it's Rob.

MELISSA BLAKE
I told you not to call me here.

ROBERT TAPERT
Send Davey in here, on the double.

"David Scott Pollison, office production assistant" enters with Blake.

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
You wanted me, boss?

ROBERT TAPERT
Davey, I'm gonna give you one last chance to
prove you're not a moron.

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Gee, thanks!

ROBERT TAPERT
Now, I don't care if you have to go around the
world, young fella. I want you to find Sorbo and
find him quick, d'you understand? Melissa, book
him on the Concorde, but make sure he flies
coach. Davey, don't screw this up.

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Count on me, boss. I won't let'cha down. Ooh!
Ooh!

Pollison and Blake leave.

ROBERT TAPERT
He's a dopefiend, I know it.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
And what if he doesn't find him?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I'm gonna be hobbling all the way to the
unemployment office.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Not necessarily. When the going gets tough, the
tough get goin'. Bam! Now, a good soldier always
carries an extra pair of socks, a can opener, a
cap of cyanide. But a great soldier! That's right,
a great soldier, never gives in, no matter what
the odds.

ROBERT TAPERT
Is he insane, or am I crazy?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Which question would you like me to answer first?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I suggest we base this story around another
haracter.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Like who?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Like Ares, God o' War.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Judgment Day," and "The End of the Beginning."

JERRY PATRICK BROWN (voice-over)
Why, I remember the time Ares framed Hercules
for murdering his wife. The plan was so simple,
it verged on genius.

Strife laughs.

EXTRA
There he goes!

ARES
I've gotta hand it to you, Strife. This has worked
out better than I could ever have imagined.

STRIFE
It's been fun.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN (voice over)
And when all else fails, the God of War is one
lean, mean, fightin' machine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha! Jerry, great idea. All right, everybody,
get to work. I'm goin' fishin'!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Hey! You are not actually gonna listen to that
psychopath, are you?! (to Brown) No offense.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
None taken.

ROBERT TAPERT
All right, Liz, spit it out, the fish are jumpin'.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Well, why not do a show about a woman we
can all look up to. You know a woman of the
nineties. A woman who takes matters into her
own hands?

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, wake up, Liz, we can't afford Margaret Thatcher.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
No. I'm talking about...Callisto.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenes from "Surprise."

LIZ FRIEDMAN (voice-over)
When it comes to making Hercules suffer, Ares
isn't even a close second to Callisto. And,
remember that time she poisoned Herc's family?

CALLISTO
Surprise. You've never witnessed the effects of
Xanthalian venom before, have you? It affects
the mind.

HERCULES
What do you want?

CALLISTO
Safe passage through the labyrinths of the gods
to the tree of life. One bite of the fruit cures any illness.

HERCULES
And a whole one makes you immortal.

LIZ FRIEDMAN (voice-over)
And when it comes to trading blows, Callisto
does it with a smile.

CALLISTO
Oh, you're gonna die on your birthday. How
convenient.

Callisto laughs.

HERCULES
No!

CALLISTO
Blow it out and make a wish.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey, great idea, Liz. All right, get to work, everybody.
I'm goin' fishin'.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Oh! Hey, wait! Uh, excuse me.

ROBERT TAPERT
What, what?!

ALEX KURTZMAN
Um, aren't Ares and Callisto both bad guys?

ROBERT TAPERT
Brilliant, so?


ALEX KURTZMAN Okay, well, um, don't they need a good guy to
fight with? I mean, without Hercules, they won't
have anything to do.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares and Callisto are playing Rock, Parchment, Dagger. They both do rock. They both do parchment. Ares does rock, and Callisto does parchment. Ares does parchment and Callisto does dagger. Callisto laughs.

ARES
Dumb blonde!

He storms off.

CALLISTO
Hey!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Boy, I hate to admit it, but you got a point.

ROBERT TAPERT
You know? I am really getting tired of people
telling me what I can't do. Can someone please
tell me what I can do?

Kurtzman raises his hand.

ROBERT TAPERT
What now?

Ocri whispers in Kurtzman's ear.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Uh, Bob has to go to the bathroom.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, all right, all right. Take a break.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the conference room. The news is on the TV.

NEWSCASTER
And we have confirmed there are, in fact, six
people trapped inside the apartment building.
Rescue teams are on the scene, racing against
the clock.

Coyle coughs while Blake makes Tapert a shake. She includes rat poison in it.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Hey, Melissa, there's something I've always
wanted to ask you. You sleep on your stomach?

MELISSA BLAKE
No.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Can I?

MELISSA BLAKE
Paul, I'm wasting my life, in a dead-end job,
while I watch the rest of the world pass me by.
Now, why would I wanna make things worse
by dating you?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I know you don't mean that, baby! Hey, why don't
you let me take you to Vegas? I can teach you
how to play roulette.

MELISSA BLAKE
Make it Russian Roulette, you got yourself a deal.

ROBERT TAPERT
Paul, get the hell away from Melissa.

MELISSA BLAKE
Your shake. Enjoy.

ROBERT TAPERT
Uh, no thanks, you can have it. I changed my
mind. Look, get Eric on the phone, will ya? And
fix me something I can chew.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the set in New Zealand.

EVIL WARLORD
And now, with my new army of lava people,
Hercules will never...screw with us again!

DIRECTOR
Cut! Cut! Come on! Come on, everybody! Listen,
I know this ain't Shakespeare, Patrick, but "Screw
with us"?! Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room. Melissa cuts sushi.

ROBERT TAPERT
I'll take mine well done, Melissa.

MELISSA BLAKE
It's sushi, Rob. You eat it raw.

Gruendemann is on the phone.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Hello?

ROBERT TAPERT
Ah, Eric.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand.

ROBERT TAPERT
Any word on Kevin.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
No, no nothing yet.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Why are you whispering?

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Well, I told the crew Kevin's running a little late.
If they find that he's missing, I could have a
panic on my hands. These people have families
to support!

ROBERT TAPERT
Families, schmamilies. Come on, Eric-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
-aren't we all one big family, anyway? Well, look,
just stall 'em as long as you can.

Blake attacks Tapert with the knife, but he sneezes and she hits his chair.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Gesundheit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
You're welcome. Now Eric, buddy, I don't want
you to worry about a thing. I got the greatest
staff in the world working on this problem even
as we speak.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brown, Kurtzman, Orci and Coyle all line up to go to the bathroom.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kurtzman starts whistling the Hercules theme, and soon the others all join in.

ALL
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Ya-da-da-da. Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-a-a-a-a-ah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the conference room, the phone rings. Blake answers.

MELISSA BLAKE
Renaissance Pictures. Oh! Oh, that's wonderful
news!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The men flush.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
All right, you tell him we're looking forward to
seeing him soon. Yeah. Bye-bye.

He hangs up.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, my God! The head of the studio's on his
way over here now!

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Office.

MELISSA BLAKE
The head of the studio's coming!

She hits an alarm.

EXTRA
Red alert! Red alert!

MELISSA BLAKE
Gloves!

EXTRA
The head of the studio-

MELISSA BLAKE
Hat!

EXTRA
-is on his way.

MELISSA BLAKE
Apron!
EXTRA
Estimated time of arrival-

MELISSA BLAKE
Jacket!

EXTRA
-one minute-

MELISSA BLAKE
Rose petals!

EXTRA
-and thirty-seven seconds. One minute, thirty-six
seconds. One minute, thirty-five seconds.

MELISSA BLAKE
Dust! Vacuum! Pictures, erect! Sparkle! Shine!

The place is cleaned and rose petals are thrown on the ground.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hollinsfoffer's foot steps out of a limo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
He's gonna fire us all. I'm a dead man. I'm a
dead man!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Bring him on, baby!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Shut up! The both of you!

ROBERT TAPERT
Nobody's getting fired! Now, the studio doesn't
know Kevin is missing, and it is going to stay
that way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"B.S. Hollinsfoffer, the Studio Head" enters and the cleaners all drop to their knees.

MELISSA BLAKE
Mr. Hollinsfoffer! It's always a pleasure to have
you here, sir!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Say, you're a pretty good liar! Are you an executive?!

MELISSA BLAKE
Oh, no, I'm Mister Tapert's assistant.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Come see me in my office, Monday morning!
We need more people like you in management!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hollinsfoffer enters the Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh-ho! B.S., how nice to see you again. It hasn't
been long enough.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
What the hell's everybody doing here on a Sunday,
anyway, huh?!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Say, is it Sunday? We were so busy,
we--we--we--we--we--we--we--we didn't even
notice.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
That's what I want to hear! Like I always
say, weekends are for communists!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Look what happened to them.

Hollinsfoffer walks over to Liz. He laughs and the others follow.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
(to Tapert) By the way, what's with the rubber pants?

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, well, they're the new rage, B.S. All the kids
are wearing rubbers these days, uh, isn't that
right, Liz?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Yeah, yeah, and if they're not, well, they should be.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Make note to self, buy twelve pair rubber pants.
Hmm. Thanks for the tip, Tap.

He laughs and the others follow.

ROBERT TAPERT
Anytime, B.S. Say hello to the wife.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Why am I here?! Oh! During the earthquake a
chandelier fell down 'n' hit me-

He smacks his head.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
-on the head! It was then, that I had a vision, a
new direction for the show! Hercules, the musical!
Huh?! Like La Cage Aux Folles, only better!

He pounds the desk.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Bigger!

He pounds the desk.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Brighter! Goes something like this!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "...And Fancy Free."

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
You start with your basic damsel in distress!

OCEA
Stop wasting your time! You need a partner to
enter the contest. No one's crazy enough to
dance with you.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
But, guess who comes along?!

HERCULES
I'll be your partner.

EXTRA
Where'd he come from?

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
All he'd need now is a dance teacher! The kinda'
gal who can teach him how to shake a tailfeather!

WIDOW TWANKY
(singing) Honey, if you try,
I know you'll reach the sky.
Just learn to spread your wings and fly!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
Now when it was time for them to strut their stuff,
they set the dance floor on fire!

MAGISTRATE
Get them off that dance floor, now!

EXTRA
Come on!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life. Hollinsfoffer claps. The others are silent, but he motions for them to clap and they do.

ROBERT TAPERT
Brilliant!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Real show-stopper, B.S.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
You said it.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, they'll love it in Cleveland.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
If they knew what they liked in Cleveland, they
wouldn't live there.

The phone rings and Tapert puts it on speaker-phone.

ROBERT TAPERT
Yeah, what is it?

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Rob, it's Davie!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paris. Pollison has a girl on his arm.

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
I haven't been able to find Kevin yet, but, I, uh,
don't worry, I'm onto a new lead on where he
might be, you know?

ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, Davie, how-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
-nice to hear from you. Thanks for calling enjoy
the rest of your-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paris.

ROBERT TAPERT
-vacation.

POLLISON
Uh, uh, but, uh-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Say?! What did he mean "Find Kevin"?

ROBERT TAPERT
Ho! Not, "Find Kevin." "Find...Heaven." He's on
a religious quest. Isn't that right, Liz?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
You betcha. Davie hasn't been the same since
he saw George Burns' face on a tortilla.

Tapert laughs.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
It's no use! He knows! It's true! It's true! Kevin
Sorbo's gone missing! Oh, please don't fire me,
please! I throw myself on the mercy of the studio!

Hollinsfoffer throws him aside and Coyle yells.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Ya lied to me.

He slaps Tapert.

ROBERT TAPERT
I never said Kevin wasn't missing.

He slaps Hollinsfoffer.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
You never said he was missing. You're fired!

He slaps Tapert.

ROBERT TAPERT
You can't fire me, I quit!

He slaps Hollinsfoffer.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
You can't quit, I fired you!

He slaps Tapert.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Oh, come on, guys! We're all friends here.

Hollinsfoffer and Tapert slap him. He falls on Brown, who throws him into the table.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Uh. Ah-h! Ah-h! Uhh! I'm blind.

He stumbles about, and his hands land on Friedman's breasts.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Mommy?

Friedman punches him and he flies over the table.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
You, you, you, you, you, and you, are all fired!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Thanks, Paul.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, it was fun while it lasted.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Maybe, "Sinbad"'s hiring.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Nice poker face, you sniv'lin' coward!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Hey, wait a minute. That's it, poker face.

He snaps his fingers.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Uh! We bluff!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
What're ya talkin' about?!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Uh, our show may not have a star, but, uh, the
audience doesn't need to know that.

ROBERT TAPERT
Earth-to-Paul, once they turn on their TV set,
they'll see. No Hercules.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, but, what if that is the story, you know?
Like, maybe Hercules is caught up in this--this
big vortex.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Stranger in a Strange World."

PAUL ROBERT COYLE (voice-over)
Remember that vortex that led to a parallel world
where everything was backwards?

IOLAUS
Ares? This is a--a new look for you.

ALTERNATE ARES
What did'ja expect? I am the God of Love.

SOVEREIGN
It wouldn't kill you to let it all hang out.

ALTERNATE APHRODITE
Please, no! It's not ladylike.

IOLAUS
Aphrodite shy. Wow.

The Sovereign laughs.

SOVEREIGN
Now, that, is funny!

ALTERNATE XENA
What is this?! You promised me an execution!

SOVEREIGN
I did, didn't I?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE (voice-over)
And Hercules had to fight his evil twin, the
Sovereign?

HERCULES
Run, Iolaus!

SOVEREIGN
No. No!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE (voice-over)
Well, why can't we stick Hercules in the vortex, too?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
So while Hercules is trapped in the vortex, all
the other characters have to run around and
help each other ta--ta--ta protect the world from
the Sovereign.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
You idiot! Kevin Sorbo played the Sovereign.

Coyle starts to cry. Kurtzman and Orci get up and start to leave.

ROBERT TAPERT
Where do you think you're goin'?

ALEX KURTZMAN
Hey! Hollisonfoffer just fired us, remember?

ROBERT TAPERT
O-oh. O-oh, good point. I'm going fishin'.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Nice workin' with ya.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Right. See ya!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait!
Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Nobody's
going anywhere! Somebody has to handle this!
You're all rehired!

ALL
(not really happy) Whoo-hoo.

Tapert looks at his fishing rod.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call an emergency
meeting with the board of directors! And I expect
this to be taken care of, by the time I get back!
Hat! I'm outta here!

Hollinsfoffer leaves. Blake enters.

MELISSA BLAKE
Eric is on the line for you.

ALEX KURTZMAN
O-oh, Eric's on the line.

ROBERT TAPERT
Eric. O-oh! Get Eric to the line.

Tapert puts Gruendemann on speaker phone.

ROBERT TAPERT
Yes, Eric, go ahead.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Did Kevin show up, yet?!

ROBERT TAPERT
I was gonna ask you the same thing.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
I think the crew's getting suspicious. They know
something's up. If they found out I lied to them,
I'm dead. Dead!

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, Eric, just keep your pants on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
But for God's sake, don't zip 'em up too fast.
It's a killer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand.

EXTRA
Somebody's gotta-

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Uh, Rob, I've got a little problem with one of the
extras.

A man is on fire.

EXTRA
Okay, everybody! That's lunch!

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Gotta go!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, fellas, I'm afraid we're gonna have to face
the ugly truth. It's time to find a new Hercules.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

"Beth Hymson, casting director," enters.

BETH HYMSON
What's the matter? Somebody's puppy die? O-oh,
tall, dark and handsome. I miss you, Jer. A hard
man's good to find, these days.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Well, I told you, Beth, relationships are for the
weak.

BETH HYMSON
A week, a day? I'll take an hour. Truth is I only
need a couple of minutes. How is Captain
Happy, hmm?

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Have mercy.

He shrinks away.

ROBERT TAPERT
Look, could we just get started, already?

BETH HYMSON
All right, but don't get your hopes up. It's not easy
trying to find qualified applicants on such short
notice. Everyone, this is Johnny Pinko. Say hi,
cutey-pie. Sh-h. Save it. Johnny, here's my gardener.
He trims my hedges twice a week. You should
see the size of his weed-whacker! Okay, Studley?

JOHNNY PINKO
Sure, but, uh, I--I just got one question.

BETH HYMSON
Hmm?

ALL
What's my motivation?

BETH HYMSON
Let me explain.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Two Men and a Baby."

BETH HYMSON (voice-over)
Hercules has just met up with his old flame,
Nemesis, and she's got quite a surprise
for him.

NEMESIS
...and you saved his life.

HERCULES
And this would be Evander.

NEMESIS
Yes, it would, Evander. Our baby. Shh--sh-sh-sh.

HERCULES
Our baby?

BETH HYMSON (voice-over)
But Nemesis has a secret, and she's too
ashamed to admit the truth.

ARES
He's my son. You don't wanna try me.

BETH HYMSON (voice-over)
But, it doesn't matter to Hercules, who promises
he'll always look after Evander.

HERCULES
I'll be back to see you, every chance I get and
before you know it, I'll be teaching you how to
wrestle, and throw the discus. You don't know
it now, but, one day you'll realize you're different,
and you'll wanna be like everyone else, but you
never will be. You're special. You're very special.
I will always be there for you. Always.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

BETH HYMSON
Sock it to us, Pinko! And make it good.

JOHNNY PINKO
One moment, please.

He turns away. Hymson sits down. Kurtzman and Orci sit closer. She looks at them and they move back to where they were sitting before. Pinko turns around with a doll in his hand.

JOHNNY PINKO
Evander! I'll be back to see you, every chance I
get! Before you know it, I'll be teaching you how
to wrestle! How to--how to throw the discus,
huh?! It won't be an easy life to live, but, uh, I'll
be around to help, you know? I will...be there!

He sobs.

BETH HYMSON
Whoo! Yes! Oh yes! Uh! Huh-huh.

Hymson clasps and Coyle looks at her breasts.

JOHNNY PINKO
Pretty good, huh?

ROBERT TAPERT
Uh-h.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Others apply for the role. The first acts like Cary Grant.

COOL HERCULES
Evander, I'll be back to see you every chance I get.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ventriloquist holds a Hercules dummy on his lap. He drinks water and mumbles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mime is next.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last is an Elvis Impersonator who sings.

ELVIS HERCULES
(singing) Hey, Evander!

He wakes up Blake.

ELVIS HERCULES
(singing) I'll be back to see you, every chance I
get! Before you know it I'll be teaching you how
to wrestle and throw the discus! But, it won't be
an easy life to live but I'll do-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Well if we ever make a show called "Rejects,"
we'll know where to look.

ROBERT TAPERT
Beth, what're you doin' to me?! I've seen better
actors in a puppet show.

BETH HYMSON
Well, what do you expect? You should've told
me when you knew Sorbo was missing.

ROBERT TAPERT
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not my fault, okay. It's
these damn writers. I thought they'd have
something for me by now.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Come on. Say that again, please.

ROBERT TAPERT
You wanna piece of me, tough guy?

He picks Liz up from the couch.

ROBERT TAPERT
You'll have to go through Liz.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ten bucks on Liz, first round.

The phone rings. Friedman and Brown push each other.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Come on!

ALEX KURTZMAN
Would you guys quit it?! I mean, come on! Now
look, we're all working on a hit show, here. And
no matter what happens, nobody can take that
away from us.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Except Kevin Sorbo.

MELISSA BLAKE
Yeah, we have Davie on line one and Eric on
line two!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Yeah.

Brown moves away from Friedman.

ROBERT TAPERT
Yeah go ahead, Davie.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pollison runs from the bulls in Spain.

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Kevin Sorbo's not in Spain, man!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
Davie, just slow down. Take a breath.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spain.

DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
I can't slow down. My life depends on it, you know?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
You see? Now, that's the kind of commitment I
look for in my employees. Now, if you folks had
been working as hard as Davie here, I'd be
fishing now. Davie, remind me to give you a raise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spain. Pollison is rear-ended by a bull. He screams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room. Tapert switches to line two.

ROBERT TAPERT
Go ahead, Eric.

ERIC GRUENEMANN
Uh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gruendemann is dressed up like Hercules.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
The crew found out!

ROBERT TAPERT
Eric, calm down. I can't understand you.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
I tried to pretend I was Kevin, but, for some
reason, it didn't work! Oh, the horror! Get off me!
I made you people!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room.

ROBERT TAPERT
Hey, you tell those idiots down there to behave,
or they're all fired!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand.

ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Oh! Oh! Tell my wife I love her! Tell my son what
a great man I was!

He screams as he's thrown over the castle wall.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room. The phone line goes dead.

ROBERT TAPERT
We lost him.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
We're next! When the board finds out they're
gonna feed us to the mechanical shark in the
amusement park!

He cries.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Somebody's gotta stop this insanity! Liz!

Coyle hugs Friedman and she punches him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conference room. Hymson throws away pictures.

BETH HYMSON
Too ugly. Too blonde. No. No. No. No.

MELISSA BLAKE
I brought smelling salts.

ROBERT TAPERT
No thanks, Melissa, I'm trying to cut down. Oh
hey, while you're here, take an inch or two off
the top, will ya? I'm gettin' a little shaggy.

MELISSA BLAKE
Oh, can I?! Oh, that would be the frosting on the
cake of my day!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh! Officer, they said they were eighteen. What
happened?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Aftershock. You slipped and fell on my fist.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh.

ROBERT TAPERT
All right, now people. We're back to square one.
How do we have a "Hercules" episode without
Hercules?

Blake holds a pair of scissors over Tapert. She looks over at Friedman, who mouths, "Not now."

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Well, sir, um-

MELISSA BLAKE
What about young Hercules?

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Go on.

MELISSA BLAKE
Well, he was a teenager once, wasn't he? I mean,
when did he first meet Iolaus? And what was
the first monster he killed? And how long has
he been wearing those pants?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenes from "Young Hercules."

MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
Hercules has always been a do-gooder. But
remember that Iolaus was a thief.

YOUNG IOLAUS
Don't worry. I'll take it.

YOUNG HERCULES
No!

YOUNG IOLAUS
Mine!

YOUNG HERCULES
Iolaus! Let-

MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
Maybe, they weren't always such good friends.
After all, boys will be boys.

JASON
And remember, balance is the key.

YOUNG IOLAUS
O-oh, o-oh, o-oh, looks like Hercules is a little
off-key. Balance...is...key!

MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
Maybe, he was even a little too cocky for his own
good.

YOUNG HERCULES
Guess I beat Ares' security system. That is a
big snake.

MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
It would be just like "The Wonder Years," but with
giant snakes!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
We're saved!

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Melissa, you're a genius!

BETH HYMSON
Ah, excuse me? I'd hate to be a party-pooper
here, but, uh, we'd have to re-cast the entire
show
and we haven't even found one decent
actor, today.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, Skipper's got a point, too. Oh, but it'll make
a great spin-off. Melissa, remind me to give you
next Sunday off.

Blake mouths "Whoop-de-do."

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Comin' through! The board of directors are animals.
They want blood. If we don't come up with something
by five o'clock, the show is canceled.

ROBERT TAPERT
What?!

He leaps forward and Black shaves his hair right down the middle. Hollinsfoffer and the others laugh.

MELISSA BLAKE
Oops!

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Tapert sprays a hair grower on his head.

BETH HYMSON
What?! Bernie! Speak English! Are you telling
me, he'd rather do a hemorrhoids commercial?!
Fine! Fine. Then I'm sure he'll enjoy sticking it
where the sun don't shine!

She hangs up the phone.

BETH HYMSON
Don Knotts won't do it.

ROBERT TAPERT
Well, keep at it, Beth. I don't wanna see your
face around here until you find me a new Hercules.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
What are you gonna do? It's almost five o'clock.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Actors. I wish we could do away with them altogether.

ROBERT TAPERT
Say, that gives me an idea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "The Battle for Mount Olympus."

ROBERT TAPERT (voice-over)
What if we turn the show into a cartoon? Why,
we could have a bunch of 'toons doing all the
things that made this show the money-making
machine that feeds us all.

HERCULES
I never quit! Uh! Now! Drop him!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha! Cartoons! It's perfect! They're never late.
They don't complain. And they won't ask for raises.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Hello?! Am I the only one in this room
getting oxygen?! You still need Kevin's voice!
No Kevin, no cartoon.

ROBERT TAPERT
(to himself) "No Kevin, no cartoon."

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Well this is pointless. We should surrender
while we still got our dignity!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
We're ruined! I gotta get outta town! Quick!

ALEX KURTZMAN
Whoa! Wait--wait--wait--wait--wait. Whoa! Now
we have an idea. Go on, tell 'em.

ROBERTO GASTON ORCI
You're gonna love this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opening scenes.

EXTRA (voice-over)
This is the story of a time long ago. A time of myth
and legend, when the ancient gods were petty
and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one animal dared to challenge their power,
Chimpules!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real life.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Pretty great, huh?

ROBERT TAPERT
Let me get this straight.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Yeah.

ROBERT TAPERT
You guys sit there like vegetables for six months,
and the first idea you come up with is "Chimpules"?!

ALEX KURTZMAN
Well, we were saving it for the right time.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
How the fu-

Beep!

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
-did they get these jobs?!

ROBERT TAPERT
Don't look at me. Liz hired 'em.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
I used to baby-sit for 'em in high school. I didn't
realize they turned out to be such idiots.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Okay. Okay look. We didn't go to film school for
nothin'. And we've been working on this idea day
and night. And frankly I think, no, I know, you
guys are jealous of our talent. And you know
what?! It's not fair! It is not fair! Not fair! No-

Orci hits him.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Ow!

Orci hits Kurtzman and the two start fighting.

ALEX KURTZMAN
I've had it with you! Die! Die! Ow-w-w-w! My eye!
Get your finger out of my eye!

MELISSA BLAKE
Excuse me. The board of directors are on the
line. They'd like an answer.

Hollinsfoffer smokes a cigar.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Rob, I've been in this business twenty years,
and I think it's safe to say, this is the worst
staff in the entire history of television.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Ah! You smell, and your mother-

EXTRA
Smoke detected. Please evacuate the building
in an orderly fashion. This is not-

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
That's it. Little Jerry ain't foolin' around, no more.

Friedman hits him and she and Brown fight.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
O-oh! Uh!

ROBERT TAPERT
Uh! Melissa, get me a towel, will ya? My hair's
melting.

MELISSA BLAKE
Use my diploma, you dummy! It's not doing me
any good!

She hits him.

ROBERT TAPERT
O-oh!

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Mr. Hollinsfoffer. I hope that this doesn't reflect
negatively on my s--situation.

Hollinsfoffer hits him. Kurtzman fights Orci. Friedman fights Brown. Blake fights Tapert. Hollinsfoffer fights Coyle.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Ah-h!

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Like that?! Huh?! Do ya?! O-oh! Oh!

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Yeah!

ALEX KURTZMAN
You stinkin'-

Kurtzman gets up, right between Friedman's legs.

ALEX KURTZMAN
Hi!

Friedman hits him.

JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Ah-h-h-h-h! Die! Die! Die! Goddamn!

Hymson enters. The fighting continues.

BETH HYMSON
Is this a bad time?

They all freeze in mid fight, Brown aiming his gun at Orci. Ares and Strife appear.

ARES
Oh!

STRIFE
Yes!

ARES
This is a great day, indeed.

STRIFE
You said it, Uncle. Causing that earthquake, it
was a stroke of genius.

ARES
I know my brother couldn't put his show above
innocent lives. Mudslides, fires, earthquakes, I'll
bet he's had quite the busy day.

He looks at Brown.

ARES
Oh, nice!

Strife moves Orci into Brown's line of fire.

STRIFE
And now with these mortals about to uh, kill each
other? The show's as good as cancelled.

He laughs.

ARES
Yes, pretty soon, my brother's "legendary journeys"
will be but a distant memory and I'll be able to
watch "Millennium" in peace.

STRIFE
I miss "Cop Rock."

HERCULES
Oh, I'll sing something for you.

ARES
No. I do not believe this! You can't have
rescued everyone in this city by now.

HERCULES
It looks like you've underestimated me again
there, dear brother, but then, what else is new?

ARES
You are pathetic.

STRIFE
Pathetic.

ARES
Pretending to be a mortal. This--this--this, Kevin
Sorbo character. And you know what Dad thinks
about actors.

HERCULES
Well, wait--wait--wait. Since when did you start
caring about what Zeus thinks? Besides the uh,
world isn't ready for the truth.

ARES
This is not over, Hercules. We'll meet again.

HERCULES
Hmm, have your people call my people. We'll
do lunch.

Ares and Strife disappear. The world unfreezes. Brown shoots Orci.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Kevin Sorbo!

Coyle laughs.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
Kevin!

HERCULES
Am I interrupting anything?

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Uh! We're saved!

Coyle laughs.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Thank God!

He hits Coyle again.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
We've been so worried!

ROBERT TAPERT
Ho! Ha! Ha! Kevin! I, you're-

PAUL ROBERT COYLE
(crying) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h! Kevin! Can you ever
forgive us?! We thought we could do the show
without you?

ALEX KURTZMAN
Boy, were we wrong, huh?!

ROBERT TAPERT
It's been a long day.

BETH HYMSON
It's true, there's only one Hercules.

Orci is behind Friedman, a splatter of paint on his forehead.

LIZ FRIEDMAN
You're telling me.

ROBERT TAPERT
Uh, by the way, Kevin, um, where in the hell
were you all day?

HERCULES
Oh, I, uh, I got stuck in traffic.

B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Hmm.

HERCULES
Hey, after all, I'm only human.

They all laugh.

ROBERT TAPERT
Kevin, we wanna talk to you-

They leave laughing. Brown punches Orci in the face. The news is on again.

NEWSCASTER
On the brighter side after one of the most
destructive earthquakes in recent memory, we're
happy to report there have been zero casualties,
all thanks to a mystery man who performed
miraculous rescues throughout the south land.
If you're watching, whoever you are, the city of
angels owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you
and good night.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Paul Robert Coyle

GUEST CAST
Hudson Leick as Liz Friedman
Hudson Leick as Callisto
Kevin Smith as Jerry Patrick Brown
Kevin Smith as Ares
Bruce Campbell as Robert Tapert
Ted Raimi as Alex Kurtzman
Robert Trebor as B.S. Hollingfoffer
Gina Torres as Beth Hymson
Joel Tobeck as David Scott Pollison
Joel Tobeck as Strife
Lisa Chappell as Melissa Blake
Paul Glover as Roberto Gaston Orci
Willy DeWit as Eric Gruendeman
Charles Mesure as Johnny Pinko
Patrick Wilson as Evil Warlord
Ian Mune as Director
Jason Tahu as Paintball Player
Kim Raynes as Cocktail Waitress
Elisabeth Hawthorne as Newscaster
Les Dwight as Elvis Hercules
Liam McFarland as Cool Hercules
Grant Adams as Clapper Loader

Written by: Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci
Directed by: Christopher Graves

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the Hercules cast and the Renaissance staff is purely intentional.