Unchained Heart - UNCUT


TEASER

Village.

EXTRA
A good harvest this year. Our fields have
flourished. Ah, greetings.

EXTRA
Hello.

Pylendor tries to pull a donkey.

PYLENDOR
Bathsheeba! Bathsheeba! You're not getting any
dinner if you don't move! Right now! Move! Move!

VILLAGE ELDER
Instead of, ah, all that vinegar, why don't you try
a little honey? And, uh, if you don't have any
honey, well, a carrot usually does the trick.

He laughs.

VILLAGE ELDER
Works every time, my friend.

Darphus' army attacks village and the Village Elder is killed.

DARPHUS
Take them to Illysia, except that one.

PYLENDOR
No! No! Please don't kill me!

DARPHUS
Only if you obey my commands. Now, find
Hercules. Tell him that Darphus rides again.
And if he doesn't believe you, say you saw this,
the scar that the traitorous bitch, Xena, left me.
What are you waiting for? Go!

Pylendor leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Town.

SALMONEUS
It'll be the first celebrity biography in history.
And it'll be about you -- Hercules! Come on, the
public's begging for it.

HERCULES
Sorry, I don't think of myself as a celebrity.

SALMONEUS
Trust me, we'll get rich.

HERCULES
"We"?

XENA
Of course. Salmoneus has to do the writing.
All you have to do is take the risks.

SALMONEUS
I'll make you the same sixty/forty deal when I
write your bio. So, sixty/forty. Sound good?

PYLENDOR
Hercules!

SALMONEUS
Excuse me. We're conducting business here.

PYLENDOR
Hercules, you gotta go to Illysia.

HERCULES
What's wrong?

PYLENDOR
Invaders, led by a warrior called Darphus.

SALMONEUS
Darphus?

Pylendor nods his head.

XENA
Can't be. He's dead.

PYLENDOR
By your hand, if you're Xena. He showed me
his scar.

XENA
What scar?

PYLENDOR
A huge, gaping hole right in the middle of his
chest! He should've been dead!

HERCULES
Only the gods have the power to bring Darphus
back from the dead. I can bet which one it is.

XENA
That means nothing to me. I'm still going
to Illysia to stop Darphus. I won't fail this time.

HERCULES
No. We're going to stop him.

SALMONEUS
And I'm gonna come watch, for strictly literary
reasons. You gonna come join us?

PYLENDOR
Absolutely not. You don't know what you're
up against.

SALMONEUS
Hey! No problem. Ha! (to Hercules and Xena)
Is there?

They don't answer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

EXTRAS
It's Darphus! He's back! Darphus returns!
Another victory!

DARPHUS
Lock the others up. Take that one to the temple.

VILLAGER
Why are you taking me to the temple?

DARPHUS
I want you to get religion.

VILLAGER
You know nothing of religion! You're gonna
sacrifice me!

DARPHUS
Don't jump to conclusions. Throw him in.

VILLAGER
Oh! Oh, please! Oh! No!

EXTRA
Enjoy yourself. Get in there!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside temple. Graegus moves towards the Villager, who screams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

DARPHUS
Come and get it, Hercules.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena, Hercules and Salmoneus move along.

SALMONEUS
Hey! Wait for me! Wait, wait. Hold it! This ground
is a little tricky. Hold on. Hold on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, Hercules and Salmoneus move along.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, Hercules and Salmoneus move along.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
River.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a lake. Salmoneus lays out a blanket.

SALMONEUS
Well, doesn't really have an outdoorsy motif, but
it'll do. Huh! I was afraid these had got broken.

HERCULES
Salmoneus, can I ask you a couple of questions?

SALMONEUS
At your service.

HERCULES
Number one, do you think we're on a picnic?

SALMONEUS
A picnic? No. But I don't think one should deny
oneself creature comforts just 'cause you're in
the rustic-

HERCULES
And number two, what do you think you're gonna
put on those plates?

SALMONEUS
Roast quail?

HERCULES
If you want quail, you'll have to catch it yourself.

SALMONEUS
Fine. I'll do it.

HERCULES and XENA
You will?

Salmoneus laughs.

SALMONEUS
Yeah! I happen come from a family of fine quail
catchers. But somebody else is gonna have to
cook it. Great hunters don't cook.

XENA
Don't look at me.

They both look at Hercules and Xena raises her eyebrows.

HERCULES
Fine. I'll do the cooking.

XENA
I guess that leaves the scouting to me.

HERCULES
No, wait. I think I should do the scouting.

XENA
Oh, no, you're cooking.

Xena leaves.

HERCULES
Cooking.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus hunts for quail. He is jumped by Iolaus, who sits on his back.

SALMONEUS
Oh, you made a big mistake, buster! I happen
to be Hercules' best friend! And if you don't get-

Iolaus laughs.

SALMONEUS
What's so funny?

IOLAUS
You?

SALMONEUS
I'm a lot funnier, if you stop using my back as
a couch! Now, get off me, or I'm gonna call
Hercules! Come on!

IOLAUS
Oh, like you actually know him?

SALMONEUS
Know him?! I--I happen to be his official biographer!

IOLAUS
Well, that's funny because I don't think of Hercules
as the kind of hero who wants to sound his
own horn.

SALMONEUS
I happen to think I know him a little better than
you. In fact, he's right back there. If you get off
me, I'll take you to him!

IOLAUS
Sure, why not?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They walk over to the lake.

SALMONEUS
All right, now when you meet him, whatever you
do, don't say, "You're Hercules?!" like it's
a big surprise, 'cause frankly, he's not that much
different than other men. Ah, he's bigger and he's
got more muscles-

IOLAUS
Yeah.

SALMONEUS
-but, otherwise, he's about just the same. All
right? You'll see. Now, there he is.

Hercules throws a rock in the lake.

IOLAUS
You're Hercules?!

SALMONEUS
I can't believe you said that! I told you not to!

HERCULES
Yes I am. And you are?

IOLAUS
They call me, Iolaus.

HERCULES
You're Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Yeah, last time I checked.

HERCULES
That's good enough for me.

They laugh and shake hands.

SALMONEUS
I don't believe this!

HERCULES
Iolaus is my best friend.

SALMONEUS
You never mentioned him to me!

IOLAUS
Oh, holding out on your official biographer, huh?

HERCULES
It's a, long story. What brings you to these parts?

IOLAUS
Xena. She's on the loose again.

SALMONEUS
Xena? No, actually, she's-

HERCULES
Don't you have quail to catch? (to Iolaus) It's not
Xena we have to worry about. Our real problem
is with a warrior named Darphus. He's slaughtering
everyone in sight for the greater good of Ares.

IOLAUS
Why don't we get 'em both? It's good to be with
you again, Hercules.

HERCULES
Yeah, it is, isn't it?

SALMONEUS
Um, I hear tummies rumbling. I better catch
some Xena, ah, quail.

Salmoneus moves off.

IOLAUS
Who is that guy?

HERCULES
My...biographer.

IOLAUS
Oh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena watches Darphus' men attack a small house. There is an added shot of a dead and bloodied body of a woman.

EXTRA
Tear down that house!

EXTRA
Look at this bracelet.

EXTRA
That'll be worth a few dinars.

XENA
Vultures.

EXTRA
True.

EXTRA
Isn't it?

EXTRA
Nothing under here!

Xena runs in.

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Xena attacks the warriors.

EXTRA
It's Xena!

Xena makes short work of them. Quintus rides off.

XENA
Tell Darphus, I'm coming for him!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moon.

DARPHUS (voice-over)
Your message pleases me so much-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
-that I may spare your life, Quentis.

QUENTIS
Why would you think of killing me?

DARPHUS
You abandoned your comrades when they were
fighting Xena.

QUENTIS
I had no choice. You needed to know that Xena
was near.

DARPHUS
Yes, probably Hercules as well. But there is still
the matter of loyalty.

QUENTIS
I was always loyal to you, Darphus, you
know that.

DARPHUS
All I know, is that you ran once in battle. You
could run again. Feed him to Graegus.

EXTRA
Yeah!

QUENTIS
No! You can't do this!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus, Hercules and Iolaus eat.

IOLAUS
You know Salmoneus, to look at you, you'd
never think you were a quail hunter.

Salmoneus laughs.

SALMONEUS
Life's full of surprises (to Hercules) isn't it?

HERCULES
Yeah, it is. (to Iolaus) You know, there's
something I've been meaning to tell you.

IOLAUS
Ah, no, we've gotta play Rock, Parchment,
Dagger for the last quail.

Iolaus laughs.

HERCULES
Ah, no. It's um, it's about...it's about-

Xena enters, but doesn't show herself.

IOLAUS
What?

HERCULES
It's about Xena.

IOLAUS
What about her?

HERCULES
Well-

XENA
Hello, Iolaus.

Iolaus jumps to his feet.

HERCULES
Wait, hold on. Hold on.

IOLAUS
What's she doing here?

HERCULES
We're on the same side.

XENA
Look, Darphus knows we're coming. I ran into
a band of his warriors, but one of 'em got away.

IOLAUS
Are you crazy? She tried to kill us!

HERCULES
No, you don't understand.

IOLAUS
Oh, yeah, I understand all right. You're falling
into the same trap that I fell into. And I will burn
in Hades before I stick around here to see you
do it.

Iolaus leaves.

HERCULES
Iolaus, would you...great. Iolaus, wait!

Hercules goes after Iolaus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules catches up with Iolaus.

HERCULES
Would you wait!

IOLAUS
Just let me get out of here, Hercules.

HERCULES
Not before I tell you how Xena has changed.

IOLAUS
Come on. Listen to yourself! You're talking
about a woman who wanted to make history by
trying to kill you!

HERCULES
That part of her life is over!

IOLAUS
Oh, yeah. Is that what she'd tell you when the
both of you were rolling around in bed together?!

HERCULES
I do not roll around in bed with her! Now,
would you just hear me out?! Darphus used to
be Xena's chief lieutenant. She wouldn't let him
murder women and children. She even saved
a baby and for that, he tried to kill her.

IOLAUS
So, you took pity on her, huh?

HERCULES
Xena doesn't accept pity. She's a warrior in the
truest sense of the word. That's why she's going
after Darphus again. Look, I'm going too. And I
want you with us.

IOLAUS
Nothing I say is gonna make you change your
mind, is it?

HERCULES
No, it's the right thing to do.

IOLAUS
Okay, count me in. But let me tell you something,
Hercules, both of us better watch our backs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mountain.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The four move along.

SALMONEUS
To get a message to Iolaus, you need a carrier
pigeon. It's not me, is it?

Salmoneus smells himself.

SALMONEUS
(to Xena) It can't be you. All I smell on you is
hyacinth and cinnamon.

XENA
Are you a biographer or a bad comedian? Or,
have you dreamed up some other get-rich-quick
scheme?

SALMONEUS
How about love-slave? I'm versatile.

XENA
You're deluded.

SALMONEUS
Hmm.

HERCULES
Hold on.

XENA
Is something wrong?

HERCULES
Let's wait for Iolaus to catch up.

XENA
Well, I didn't tell him to stay back there.

IOLAUS
What's the problem?

HERCULES
The canyon up ahead looks like a perfect place
for an ambush. So, let's stay close together
and keep quiet.

SALMONEUS
Why are you looking at me! I can keep quiet. I
know when it's time to stop talking. I know
discretion's the better part of valour.

IOLAUS
Hey! Shush.

Iolaus draws his sword. They enter, Xena drawing her sword. Rocks fall on them, pushed by Darphus' men.

HERCULES
Look out! Get down! Get down!

Darphus laughs.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Hercules holds up the rocks, as Xena and Iolaus move rocks so they can get out. Salmoneus sits in the corner.

HERCULES
Can you go any faster?

IOLAUS
What's the matter? Aren't you enjoying yourself?

HERCULES
Well, my back hurts a little bit.

XENA
Iolaus, you're head is bleeding.

IOLAUS
Yeah. Salmoneus, you coming along?

Salmoneus shakes his head.

HERCULES
Salmoneus, give them a hand.

Salmoneus shakes his head.

IOLAUS
Come on. It'll take your mind off things.

HERCULES
Salmoneus!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus breaks a bottle's top off.

DARPHUS
Drink deeply. Drink well. Hercules is dead!

Graegus roars.

DARPHUS
Do you hear that? Soon, he'll be too big to stop.
And we will join with him to fulfill the mighty Ares'
destiny. The God of War will rule the world! To Ares!

EXTRAS
To Ares!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules holds the rocks.

HERCULES
This isn't getting any lighter.

IOLAUS
We're almost through.

HERCULES
Hang on, Salmoneus. How much longer?

XENA
We're there!

HERCULES
Get out of here!

IOLAUS
What about you?!

HERCULES
Just go!

IOLAUS
Okay.

Xena and Iolaus get clear. Hercules uses his foot to pick up a large stick. He uses it to hold up the rocks and then helps Salmoneus out.

HERCULES
Come on. We're going.

There's a cave-in.

HERCULES
Go! Go, Salmoneus! Go! Go!

Hercules and Salmoneus get out.

HERCULES
Take it easy. You'll be all right. Iolaus, give him
some water.

IOLAUS
Sure.

XENA
That was the most courageous thing I've
ever seen.

HERCULES
Everybody helped.

SALMONEUS
Everybody except me. All I did is prove what a
coward I am.

HERCULES
You are nothing of the sort, Salmoneus. I
remember how you stuck by me when I had to
battle the Centaurs without my sight.

SALMONEUS
Save your breath. Why should they believe you?

Salmoneus leaves. Xena moves to follow, but Hercules stops her.

HERCULES
No. Let him go. He'll be all right.

XENA
(to Iolaus) What about you? Want me to bandage
that head?

IOLAUS
No.

He walks off. Xena moves away.

HERCULES
Should be a lot of laughs around the campfire
tonight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Camp. Salmoneus is asleep.

IOLAUS
I'm gonna check the perimeter. See if everything's
all right.

Iolaus leaves.

XENA
Every time Iolaus looks at me, I feel his hate.
He acts as if I'm trying to drive a wedge between
you again.

HERCULES
When the time comes, the only thing he'll worry
about is Darphus.

XENA
And what about you? Could you go back to hating
me? To thinking of me as the enemy?

HERCULES
No. I don't think that's possible.

XENA
I have done terrible things. I've killed so many
men, that I'll never wash their blood from my hands.

HERCULES
You've already started. You saved that baby.

XENA
But when you help people, you honour the wife
and children that Hera stole from you. There is
nothing in my whole life that moves me
that way.

HERCULES
You're wrong. There's the goodness in your heart.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
The diamond mine is waiting to be pillaged.
We'll use the stones to pay tribute to Ares and
we'll feed the bodies of the miners to Graegus.
When Graegus is finished, he'll be at full size,
an enormity to guarantee that Ares' will is
fulfilled. Death to all who stand before us!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diamond camp.

CAMP BOSS
Who do you think you are -- walking in here,
telling us we gotta leave?!

IOLAUS
He's Hercules.

CAMP BOSS
That's a fancy name you're throwing around.
But you still can't make me forget the diamonds
we're digging out of the land. So save your breath.

IOLAUS
Maybe I ought to pound some sense into that
thick skull of yours!

HERCULES
Take it easy, Iolaus. If Darphus' name doesn't
scare you, maybe Ares' will.

CAMP BOSS
Ares? There's not one man in this camp that
hasn't paid tribute to him by fighting in a war
somewhere along the line. He bears us no ill will.

Hercules catches an arrow that would have killed the Camp Boss.

HERCULES
You were saying?

XENA
Look Hercules, it is Darphus.

The army attacks. Iolaus is held by two men. A third raises a dagger, but a whip wraps around his arm and he's pulled away.

IOLAUS
Thanks, Herc-

Iolaus sees that it's Xena, who nods. The fighting continues. Xena throws a dagger in Darphus' chest.

DARPHUS
Don't you know you can't kill me? Ares is on
my side.

The fight continues.

DARPHUS
Retreat!

EXTRA
Retreat!

The army runs out.

HERCULES
We're coming after you, Darphus!

DARPHUS
I'll be waiting for you.

Darphus leaves.

XENA
If a knife in the heart won't kill Darphus, what will?

HERCULES
We'll find something. Is everyone all right?

IOLAUS
Yeah but there's a problem. Salmoneus is
missing.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Hercules finds Salmoneus' journal.

SALMONEUS (voice-over)
As warriors, Hercules and Xena have always
been a perfect match. I find myself wondering
about them falling in love, getting married, having
children, hiring me to handle their finances.

HERCULES
My friend, I hope your imagination is the only
thing that ran away with you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus treats a wound.

IOLAUS
There you go. That should do it. Anyone else?

XENA
I think everybody who didn't die has already
been taken care of.

IOLAUS
Good. So we should get going.

XENA
I hope Hercules finds Salmoneus soon.

IOLAUS
You know, the only person who's ever saved
my life before was Hercules. Why did you do it?

XENA
We're on the same side.

IOLAUS
That's it?

XENA
According to the code I live by, it is.

IOLAUS
Because it wasn't so long ago that you wanted
to kill me to get to Hercules.

XENA
I'll go to my grave regretting that. I was all
twisted up by hate, probably the same feeling
you have towards me.

IOLAUS
Not anymore.

XENA
Thank you.

They clasp arms.

HERCULES
Now, there's an encouraging sign.

XENA
Did you find Salmoneus?

HERCULES
Afraid not.

XENA
Nothing?

HERCULES
Well, just-just some footprints that might have
been his.

IOLAUS
Where were they headed?

HERCULES
To Illysia.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
The rage you hear in Graegus is a measure of
how badly you have failed Ares. Graegus needs
flesh and blood that my twelve best warriors
didn't get him because they ran from Hercules
and Xena like craven cowards!

SURVIVING WARRIOR
But you fled with us.

Darphus kills him.

DARPHUS
I never flee. I only live to fight another day. Feed
him to Graegus. The rest of you, prepare for the
arrival of Hercules and Xena. Kill them and you
regain your honour. Fail and Graegus awaits you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus looks at a wagon track.

IOLAUS
The only people around here with wagons are
peddlers. They're everywhere.

XENA
Well, whoever made these tracks is heading
for big trouble. The wagon was going west
towards the ocean, and then it veered towards
the north, to Illysia.

IOLAUS
Maybe Darphus is bringing in weapons or
reinforcements.

HERCULES
Either that or somebody made a terrible mistake.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus and Enos drive along.

SALMONEUS
Ow! I'm glad I don't have hemorrhoids.

ENOS
Don't be so sensitive, sonny-boy!

SALMONEUS
Cut that out.

ENOS
Yeah! You need ocean air. That's what you need.
Improve your sense of humour.

SALMONEUS
Enos, there's no ocean around here.

ENOS
Whoa. There's not? Of course, there is!

SALMONEUS
You can't see past your reins, can you? I knew it!
I'm being driven straight to Hades.

ENOS
Oh, don't be such a worry-wart! My eyes may not
be so hot, but my animal's eyes are just fine.

SALMONEUS
That's the price I pay for my cowardice, isn't it?

ENOS
Or maybe, you're not cut out for hitchhiking in the
middle of nowhere. Giddyup!

He laughs.

SALMONEUS
Very perceptive.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, Hercules and Iolaus walk along.

XENA
Not much farther now. I'll go scout ahead.

IOLAUS
No, I think it's my turn.

XENA
Wait a minute. I know this territory.

IOLAUS
Come on. I'm full of old hunters' tricks.

HERCULES
That's not all you're full of.

IOLAUS
Hey. Flattery will get you nowhere. Make a camp
and, uh, keep a light burning in the window.

Iolaus leaves.

HERCULES
You heard the man.

XENA
I'll go get some wood, but I'm still not going
to cook.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus rides with Enos.

ENOS
Whoa. Oh, smell that ocean. That'll cure your
blues for ya.

SALMONEUS
Since when does the ocean smell of goats?

ENOS
Goats? What goats?! There are no goats here.
Fish! That's what you have in a fishing village!

SALMONEUS
This isn't a fishing village. It's Illysia.

ENOS
Is not.

SALMONEUS
Is.

ENOS
Is not!

SALMONEUS
Is.

ENOS
Is not!

LIEUTENANT
Sorry, old man, it is. Darphus'll be happy to
see you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules gets the fire ready.

XENA
You know, I've been in a hundred other battles
and the only thing that's ever come over me
before them, is a cold rage. But now...is this
what it feels like to be you, Hercules?

HERCULES
I think you're just finding out how good it feels
to challenge the forces of evil.

XENA
I wouldn't be doing it if you hadn't given me the
chance.

HERCULES
Whatever I did doesn't count. You made the
decision on your own.

XENA
There's another decision I've made.

HERCULES
What's that?

XENA
To let you how I feel about you, in case I die
fighting Darphus.

Xena kisses him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus sneaks around Darphus' camp.

EXTRA
Eat up.

EXTRA
Go on.

EXTRA
Try some of these steaks. They're delicious.

EXTRA
Here's what you want.

DARPHUS
Eat up! Have some more.

SALMONEUS
Yes, thank you. Yeah, thanks.

IOLAUS
Traitor.

SALMONEUS
Delicious. My compliments. Oh no, really.

Graegus roars.

IOLAUS
Oh, no. Now, we've really got trouble.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Hercules, roll in the leaves in a very extended version.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

The sun is high.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus sees Hercules stroking Xena's leg. He enters and Hercules moves to sit next to Xena.

HERCULES
Hello, Iolaus.

IOLAUS
Did I get back too soon? I mean, uh, I, huh, didn't
think I'd get back so soon.

Iolaus laughs.

XENA
What did you find?

IOLAUS
Salmoneus, but it's not what you think. He and
Darphus were eating together. It seemed like
they were having a great time.

HERCULES
Salmoneus is a lot of things, but I have a hard
time believing that a traitor is one of them.

IOLAUS
Hercules, Graegus is there.

XENA
Who's Graegus?

HERCULES
Ares' pet. He'll feed on Darphus' victims until
he's the biggest creature that ever walked.

IOLAUS
And if that happens, Ares will rule the world.

XENA
So what are we gonna do to stop them?

HERCULES
Sometimes, you can only defeat evil, with evil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
You've lost weight since we last met.

SALMONEUS
Huh?

DARPHUS
Come on, open up. Eat.

SALMONEUS
Mm-mm.

DARPHUS
How many times do I have to tell you, I want
you nice and plump, so Graegus will have lots
to chew on.

SALMONEUS
Mm-mm.

DARPHUS
Eat!

He shoves food in Salmoneus' face.

SALMONEUS
Please!

DARPHUS
Don't make me kill you before I feed you to
Graegus. I want you kicking and screaming, so
Hercules and Xena can watch.

He shoves food in Salmoneus' face again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules and Iolaus enter.

HERCULES
It'd be better if we attacked from the front.

IOLAUS
No, if we attack from the fron-

SENTRY
Stop right there!

HERCULES
Uh-oh.

SENTRY
The mighty Hercules. How does it feel to be fi-

Xena comes up behind him and knocks him out.

XENA
How does it feel to be unconscious?

A warrior sneaks behind Xena.

IOLAUS
Look out!

Iolaus throws a dagger into his chest.

HERCULES
Show off.

XENA
Any closer and my ear would've been stuck to
his chest.

IOLAUS
Well, you didn't give me a very good angle.

XENA
I knew you could handle it.

HERCULES
Come on, we need to move fast. Iolaus, you
know what to do.

IOLAUS
Yeah. Burning wagon coming up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
It's time to teach you some manners.

SALMONEUS
No! Don't--don't get me wrong! You're food is
great. If you get me a nice sorbet, I could work
through six or seven more courses.

Darphus hits him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus tries to start a fire on the wagon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules and Xena move in on the village.

HERCULES
Ready?

XENA
This is no time to say I'm not.

HERCULES
Then I'll see you when it's over.

XENA
Make sure of that.

They kiss.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
Time's up. Maybe your screams will convince
Hercules and Xena to come out of hiding.

SALMONEUS
Wouldn't you like a new theme song?
(singing) Darphus, he's your man.

DARPHUS
Take him to the temple!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus tries to light the wagon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darphus' camp.

DARPHUS
Graegus is hungry.

SALMONEUS
There's plenty of roast left! Let me get him some!

Salmoneus is pulled to the temple.

DARPHUS
After he's finished with you, he'll be big enough
to obliterate anyone who stands in Ares' path!
He smells your fear. Take him inside.

SALMONEUS
That's not fear, it's gas! I've got land-ow, in
Macedonia-ow! You could be landowners. I got,
ah-h-h, southern exposure. You could get away
from the hub-bub. Please, don't do this to me.
My ankles swell.

Salmoneus is chained up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Hercules move into position.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus tries to make a fire on the wagon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Hercules wait.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus tries to make a fire on the wagon. He gives up and pushes it.

IOLAUS
Oh! Come on!

As the wagon rolls, Iolaus jumps into it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple.

SALMONEUS
Stop! Oh! No! No! Please! Don't leave me! Hey!
Don't leave me!

He sees Graegus and screams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus rides the wagon into the camp.

DARPHUS
So, the son of Zeus has finally arrived. Get him!

The warriors stab the wagon. Iolaus leaps out and starts fighting. Xena and Hercules join him.

XENA
I thought the wagon was supposed to be on fire!

HERCULES
Old hunters' tricks don't always work!

Hercules knocks out Darphus.

HERCULES
Stay.

He moves inside the temple.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules enters the temple.

SALMONEUS
Help!

Hercules hits Graegus with a beam.

SALMONEUS
That was great! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

HERCULES
We're not out of this yet.

SALMONEUS
Thank you!

HERCULES
I wonder if he knows how to play fetch.

He attacks Graegus with a spear, which he bites the head off of. Hercules fights Graegus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside, the fight continues. Xena runs at Darphus.

XENA
I'll make sure you stay dead this time, Darphus!

DARPHUS
Wrong! It's you who dies this time!

They sword fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules fights Graegus.

HERCULES
Come on. Don't you ever get full?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Darphus fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules fights Graegus. Xena and Darphus come in fighting. Xena hits Darphus and then moves to free Salmoneus who screams as the sword comes down. Xena cuts the chain.

SALMONEUS
Nice cut!

HERCULES
Salmoneus! Get out of here! Come on! Get out!
Go! Run!

Salmoneus leaves. Xena is fighting Darphus, and Hercules is fighting Graegus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus steps outside, to see Iolaus fighting the army.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules fights Graegus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fights Darphus. He knocks her down and she throws dirt in his eyes.

XENA
Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yah.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules fights Graegus, and chains him to a pole.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salmoneus grabs a frying pan. Salmoneus whistles to Iolaus, who throws a warrior at him. Salmoneus knocks him out.

IOLAUS
Thanks.

SALMONEUS
My pleasure!

They fight together.

IOLAUS
Come on. Our friends need our help.

SALMONEUS
Right!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules and Xena continue their battles.

HERCULES
Xena! Let's put evil in its place.

Xena fights Darphus, moving him towards Graegus.

HERCULES
Now!

Xena kicks Darphus over Hercules. Darphus stands in time to be eaten by Graegus, who dies in a blaze of fire. Salmoneus and Iolaus enter.

IOLAUS
I've never seen anything like that. What happened?

HERCULES
Bad diet.

XENA
But Darphus had Ares on his side.

HERCULES
Didn't matter. Evil defeated itself.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

SALMONEUS
Boom! You should've seen those soldiers fall
when I conked them. I dropped those turkeys
like a bad habit. I'd write about it if--if only I had my-

Hercules pulls out Salmoneus' journal.

HERCULES
You looking for this?

SALMONEUS
You found it! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!

IOLAUS
You know, that is the thing about Salmoneus,
is you never can tell how he feels about anything.

HERCULES
Yeah, he'll have to work on that.

They laugh.

SALMONEUS
Yeah. Go ahead and laugh. You two are gonna
miss me.

HERCULES
Where are you going?

SALMONEUS
I'm going to Athens to work on your celebrity
biography. And, if it doesn't work out, I can always
sell obedience training for dogs.

He laughs.

SALMONEUS
Goodbye, my friends.

Salmoneus leaves, whistling.

HERCULES
Take care, Salmoneus.

IOLAUS
Well guess I'm on the way home. Wanna come
along?

HERCULES
There's someone I need to talk to first.

Hercules moves over to Xena, who is readying a horse.

HERCULES
You're leaving.

XENA
You're going to make this tougher on me than
it already is, aren't you?

HERCULES
It doesn't have to be that way.

XENA
Please, don't. You're gonna make me cry. I haven't
done that since I was a child.

HERCULES
Xena.

They kiss.

XENA
Let me go. There's so much in my life I have to
make amends for. I've got to get started.

HERCULES
I wish you'd let me help.

XENA
You already have. You unchained my heart.

She kisses Hercules.

XENA
Goodbye, Hercules.

Xena mounts, smiles and rides off.

IOLAUS
You all right?

HERCULES
Yeah. I think so. At least the good guys won.

Hercules and Iolaus walk off.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Iolaus

GUEST CAST
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Robert Trebor as Salmoneus
Matthew Chamberlain as Darphus
Ian Harrop as Camp Boss
Mario Gaoa as Quintas
Bruce Allpress as Enos
Stephen Papps as Pylendor
David Mercer as Surviving Warrior
Mervyn Smith as Village Elder
Gordon Hatfield as Lieutenant
Robert Pollock as Villager
Campbell Rousselle as Sentry
Shane Dawson as Warrior #1

Written by: John Schulian
Directed by: Bruce Seth Green

Disclaimer: No Vicious Beasts intent on taking over the world were harmed during the production of this motion picture.