Hercules and Xena: The Animated Movie:
The Battle for Mount Olympus


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


ACT ONE

Four nymphs perform their musical number.

NYMPH #1
(singing) Before man, before moon, before history,
In a world made of magic and mystery,

NYMPH #2
(singing) Gods and Titans, lightning and bone,
Fought to possess the Chronos stone.

NYMPH #3
(singing) For he who held the stone held the world,
And into darkest earth the Titans were hurled.

NYMPH #4
(singing) And Zeus, the thunder in his throne,
Zeus became the ruler of them all.

NYMPH #1
(singing) Come with me, across the sea of time.

ALL NYMPHS
(singing) Come with me, across the sea of time,

NYMPH #1
(singing) Where creatures never seen before,

NYMPH #2
(singing) The Gorgon and the Manticore,

NYMPH #1
(singing) The Centaur 'neath the silver tree,

ALL NYMPHS
(singing) Across the sea of time.
Come with me, across the sea of time.
Come with me, across the sea of time,

NYMPH #1
(singing) Where man and god meet in the dawn,

NYMPH #2
(singing) Where gods are kings and men are pawns,

NYMPH #3
(singing) And no man born is truly free,

ALL NYMPHS
(singing) Across the sea of time.

NYMPH #4
(singing) Zeus descended from the sky,
The lightning by his side,

ALL NYMPTHS
(singing) Love like thunder in his heart,
To take a mortal bride.

NYMPH #4
(singing) And from their union came a son,
Half human and half god,

ALL NYMPTHS
(singing) With twice the strength of mortal men,
To walk where heroes trod.
Come with me, across the sea of time,

NYMPH #1
(singing) When men have fallen to their knees,

NYMPH #2
(singing) And all the gods ignore their pleas,

NYMPH #4
(singing) The name they call is Hercules,

ALL NYMPHS
(singing) Across the sea of time,

NYMPH #4
(singing) Across the sea of time,

NYMPH #3
(singing) Time.

NYMPH #2
(singing) Hercules.

NYMPH #4
(singing) Across the sea of time.

NYMPH #3
(singing) Time.

NYMPH #2
(singing) Hercules.

NYMPH #4
(singing) Across the sea of time.

NYMPH #3
(singing) Time.

NYMPH #2
(singing) Hercules.

NYMPH #4
(singing) Across the sea of time.

NYMPH #3
(singing) Time.

NYMPH #2
(singing) Hercules.

NYMPH #4
(singing) Across the sea of time.

Nymph #2 gasps and a sea monster explodes from the water. The nymphs scatter. Hercules fights the sea monster. Hercules shoves a rock in his mouth and the sea monster dies. It sinks, but then comes back out and lands atop Hercules. Hercules crawls out of its nostril.

HERCULES
Hmm, must've been something he ate.

EXTRA
Thank you, Hercules!

EXTRA
Thank you!

EXTRA
Hooray for Hercules!

EXTRA
Ha-ha-ha!

EXTRA
Hooray!

EXTRA
Destroyed the monster!

Iolaus lies in a hammock as the villagers rush past to Hercules.

EXTRA
Huh! Thank you. Wow, that was fantastic!

IOLAUS
Nice job with the monster.

HERCULES
No sweat. Where were you, anyway?

IOLAUS
Hey, I got here as soon as I could. I would've
jumped in, but, well, you looked like you were
doin' okay.

HERCULES
Thanks, buddy.

EXTRA
Hercules, Hercules! Do ya like fish?

HERCULES
Well, sure I-

The villager whistles and a sword fish in thrown into his arms.

EXTRA
And there's plenty more where that came from.
Free fish any time you want. A lifetime supply.

HERCULES
Thanks, but I think this is a lifetime supply.

They leave.

EXTRA
Good-bye.

EXTRA
Good-bye, Hercules.

EXTRA
Come back anytime, Hercules. You're the best.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later.

IOLAUS
"Oh, Hercules, you're the best! How can we ever
repay you?! What can we ever-"

HERCULES
Here-

He gives Iolaus the fish.

HERCULES
-have a fish.

Iolaus sniffs it and makes a face. Hercules laughs.

EXTRA
More fools to rob! Ha!

Hercules and Iolaus fight the highwaymen. They win.

IOLAUS
Monsters, highwaymen. What's next? Satyrs?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a tavern, three satyrs laugh at a table.

GABRIELLE
Nice place, huh?

EXTRA
Yo, baby!

Xena turns to face them.

XENA
You talkin' to me?

EXTRA
Oh it's Xena.

The tavern empties out, except for the Satyrs.

EXTRA
Why don't you and your little friend give yourselves
a thrill?

XENA
Thanks, don't mind if we do. Come on, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
You guys asked for it.

They move to the table.

EXTRA
We've, uh, had our eyes on you for, uh, quite
some time.

The extra laughs.

XENA
I've had my eyes on you, too.

The satyrs laugh.

EXTRA
Ya have, huh?

XENA
Who wouldn't notice such handsome, distinguished
satyrs with such a large bag of gold?

The satyrs laugh. The big one picks up Gabrielle and pulls her into his lap.

GABRIELLE
Knock it off, hair-ball!

Gabrielle throws a drink in his face and escapes.

XENA
This gold, it didn't, by any chance, come from...the
purses of innocent travelers on the road to Corinth,
did it?

EXTRA
What if it did?

XENA
Hmm. Well, if it did, I'd just have to-

Xena picks it up and hits him with it.

XENA
-take it back.

EXTRA
Hey, give me that. It's ours.

XENA
Sorry, I don't think so. Hee-yah!

Xena kicks him.

EXTRA
You can't just walk in here and take our gold.

Xena punches him.

XENA
You're welcome to try and stop me, goat-breath.

Xena and Gabrielle fight the satyrs. Xena ululates. She throws her chakram, which traps the satyrs in a chandelier which falls on them. Ares appears.

ARES
Bravo!

XENA
Ares.

ARES
Ah, Xena, I love watching you work.

XENA
Thanks, but the mighty God of War doesn't come
down from Mount Olympus to a dive like this just
to see the floor show.

Ares laughs.

ARES
You know me too well.

XENA
That's for sure.

ARES
Actually, there is something you can do for me.

XENA
And, as usual, my answer is "No."

ARES
It concerns your...friend, Hercules.

XENA
My 'friend'? Don't you mean your brother?

ARES
Half-brother. I just thought you should know-

Ares appears next to Xena.

ARES
-he's in grave danger. He's on his way to Thebes.

GABRIELLE
Isn't that where his mother lives?

ARES
Yes-

He runs his hands through Xena's hair.

ARES
-but he must never get there. He's walking right
into a trap. Only you can stop him.

Xena pulls her hair away and Ares disappears and reappears back at his table. Xena walks over and straddles a chair.

XENA
Why should you care what happens to Hercules?

ARES
You know what they say, blood is thicker than nectar.

XENA
I don't believe you. This is one of your tricks.

ARES
Xena! Frankly, I'm offended.

Xena yells and throws her chair against the wall.

XENA
You gods sit up there on Mount Olympus and
think you can play with us mortals like we were
toys! Well, I'm no toy.

Xena kicks the table into Ares. Gabrielle starts to pull her out of the tavern.

XENA
Ya got that?

GABRIELLE
Uh, it was-it was nice talkin' to you. We've gotta go.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Xena are outside. The tavern is up in the trees and they swing through vines.

GABRIELLE
Don't you think that he might've been telling the
truth for a change?

Xena faces her and growls.

GABRIELLE
Sorry.

XENA
Ares has tried everything to draw me back into
his world of destruction. He's threatened me,
tempted me, framed me for a crime I didn't commit.
So, now he's trying the sincere approach. If Ares
doesn't want Hercules to go up to Thebes, then
it's probably the best place for Hercules to be.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus leads a plow.

IOLAUS
Phew! This is hot work! Whoa!

Hercules is pulling the plow.

HERCULES
What are you complaining about? I'm the horse.

IOLAUS
I'm so hungry, I could eat that rotten fish.

HERCULES
Don't worry. When we're through, mother will fix
us one of her special...

He stops and a looks about. A wind blows.

IOLAUS
What is it? What's wrong?

They look to Mount Olympus and Zeus comes down in a chariot. Zeus urges his horses.

ZEUS
Come on!

HERCULES
Zeus!

Alcmene waits outside her house and Zeus moves to her.

HERCULES
Mother! Look out!

Alcmene doesn't move.

HERCULES
Mother!

Alcmene steps into the chariot with Zeus and they ride towards Mount Olympus. Hercules leaps and grabs onto one of the horses. Zeus makes a lightning bolt in his hand.

ALCMENE
No!

Zeus hits Hercules with a lightning bolt and Hercules crashes to the ground. Zeus and Alcmene are gone.

HERCULES
Mother!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules breaks a wall inside the house and yells.

IOLAUS
Hercules! Calm down!

HERCULES
How can I calm down when Zeus has kidnapped
my mother?!

IOLAUS
Well are you, are you sure he kidnapped her?

HERCULES
Are you crazy? You saw it!

IOLAUS
Yeah, but, well, she didn't look like she was putting
up much of a fight.

Hercules slams him into a wall.

HERCULES
What do you mean by that?!

IOLAUS
Nothing! I...look, I know how you feel about Zeus,
but, I mean, after all, he is your father.

HERCULES
Don't remind me!

Hercules growls at Iolaus and then stops and backs off.

HERCULES
Sorry.

IOLAUS
Where are you going now?

HERCULES
To bring her back.

IOLAUS
You--you mean you're--you're--you're going to--to
Mount Olympus?

HERCULES
That's right. And don't try to stop me.

IOLAUS
Are you kidding?! I'm comin' with ya!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foot of Mount Olympus.

IOLAUS
Wow, Mount Olympus, the home of the gods.
How come you don't go there more often? I mean,
I know you hate that side of your family, but, after
all, Mount Olympus; it's gotta be fabulous.

APHRODITE
Yoo-hoo!

IOLAUS
Whoa! What the-

Iolaus looks up to see Aphrodite on clam shell.

APHRODITE
Oh, boys! Geronimo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Aphrodite sails down on her shell.

APHRODITE
Whoo-hoo!

She flips and lands back on it.

APHRODITE
Whe-e-e-e-e!

Aphrodite stops before Hercules and Iolaus.

APHRODITE
Hey, bro. Iolaus.

HERCULES
Hello, Aphrodite.

IOLAUS
Wow!

APHRODITE
Did you see that three-sixty? Not too shabby, huh?

She squeals and hugs Hercules.

HERCULES
Yeah, it was great. Listen, I don't really have time
to stand around discussing shell technique?

Hercules moves off. Iolaus drools.

APHRODITE
Uh, better close that thing, Iolaus. You're tongue's
getting all dusty. Hey, Hercules, hang on. Look,
I know you're bummed about your mom.

HERCULES
What do you care? I mean, she's not your mother.

APHRODITE
Look, you may think you're mad about Zeus taking
Alcmene, but-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lightning flashes around Mount Olympus.

APHRODITE (voice-over)
-you've got nothing on Hera.

Hera's eyes appear.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera.

HERA
How dare he bring that floozy up here? Who does
he think he is? That...that...

She yells and breaks a statue of Zeus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera steps outside and starts walking away. Shot of Olympus.

ZEUS (voice-over)
All I asked you to do-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus speaks with Ares who is before him.

ZEUS
-was stop Hercules from being there when I
went to get his mother. A rather simple request,
I would've thought.

ARES
Yes, Father. See I asked this mortal to help me,
but I-

ZEUS
You asked a mortal to help you?! Who, may I ask?

ARES
Xena.

Zeus slaps his forehead.

ZEUS
Xena? You'll use any excuse to get close to her,
won't you?

ARES
Father, you of all gods, must understand that,
well, some mortal women can just-

Hera enters.

HERA
Enough! I doubt that there's anything you can tell
your father about mortal women. Leave us.

Ares looks at Zeus who motions him to leave. Ares walks past Hera.

HERA
It is well for a mother to know where the loyalties
of her children lie.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares moves outside and gasps. Artemis laughs.

ARTEMIS
I guess he told you.

ARES
Shut up, Artemis.

ARTEMIS
What is it with you and that Xena? She brings you
nothing but trouble.

ARES
One of these days, Xena will come through for
me. Just you wait and see.

Ares moves off. Artemis laughs.

ARTEMIS
You should live so long! Get it? You're an immortal?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus sits on his throne, listening to Hera.

HERA
How could you do it? How could you bring a mortal
to this sacred place, especially that mortal?

ZEUS
I don't see that this is any of your concern.

HERA
Where is she? Where did you put her? In the
servants' quarters? Some plush chamber of her
very own? Or perhaps the trophy room?

ZEUS
Enough! Remember to whom you are speaking!
I am Zeus, King of the Gods!

Hera runs her finger over the Chronos stone and it glows.

HERA
King of the Gods! But for how long?

Hera leaves. The Chronos stone is gone, but Zeus doesn't see. He moves over to a model of a castle and lays his hand on it. A shrunk Alcmene steps out and touches his hand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules walks.

IOLAUS
Come on, Hercules you heard her! It's crazy to go
up there if Hera's on the warpath! You know how
much she hates you!

HERCULES
Iolaus, it's very simple. My mother's there, and I
have to get her back. You don't have to come if
you don't want to.

Iolaus looks over to Aphrodite.

IOLAUS
True. (to Aphrodite) I could just, uh, hang out down
here with you, keep you from getting lonely.

Aphrodite laughs.

APHRODITE
As if!

Hercules slaps him on the back in a playful manner.

IOLAUS
Ow!

HERCULES
Be good, Iolaus. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

IOLAUS
Ah, that's no fun. She's your sister.

Hercules leaves and Iolaus moves to Aphrodite.

IOLAUS
So, Aphrodite, looks like it's just you and me.

An earthquake starts.

IOLAUS
Whoa!

APHRODITE
Ah, you mortals might have to put up with these
natural disasters, but I don't. Toodles!

Aphrodite disappears.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules turns and shakes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A village. People scream.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle enter a village as the earthquake starts. Gabrielle gasps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
People scream as buildings crumble.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mountain opens and an eye appears. The person inside laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Olympus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus sees the stone is gone.

ZEUS
The Chronos stone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera holds the stone before her and laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Village.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus gets to his feet. The ground starts to split in two. A boy falls in, and holds onto the ledge.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules looks about.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The boy hangs on. He starts to slip.

HERCULES
Hang on! I'll get you!

Hercules reaches and the opening begins to close.

IOLAUS
Hercules! It's closing!

EXTRA
Help!

Hercules holds open the crack and Iolaus reaches for the boy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle move along. A tree falls.

XENA
Gabrielle! Look out!

Xena pulls Gabrielle back and the tree lands, missing them. The earthquake is over.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

Gabrielle looks and sees looters.

GABRIELLE
Look at them.

XENA
Nothin' like a natural disaster to bring out the bad
guys. Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a buzz cut takes a bag from a woman and laughs. He turns and smacks into Xena. He falls and Xena takes the bag.

XENA
I think that belongs to the nice lady.

He moves to attack Xena, but she punches him in the crotch. She flips, ululating. She jumps and kicks him. He goes flying into a tree. Xena throws the bag to Gabrielle who is helping the woman.

XENA
Back off, low-lives.

EXTRA
Make us.

XENA
If I must.

Xena beats them up.

GABRIELLE
Xena! Look out!

Xena looks up to see a huge boulder rolling towards her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iolaus reaches for the boy.

IOLAUS
Hang on, kid. I'll getcha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The boulder moves towards Xena.

XENA
Gabrielle! Look out!

She pushes Gabrielle out of the way. Xena ululates and jumps atop the boulder. She runs on it, directing its course. She chases the lowlifes.

XENA
Get outta my way!

Xena hits the one with the black beard.

XENA
Take that!

He flies into a tree and is knocked out. Xena chases the one with the red beard who looks up to see a rock wall in his way. Xena yells as she puts her feet against the rock and slows it. It stops and just misses the lowlife.

EXTRA
Help!

Xena jumps down with a yell. She looks at the lowlife who happily hands her his bag of stolen goods. Xena turns to see the man with the buzz cut who now holds a really big battle ax.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules holds open the closing crack. Iolaus gets the boy.

IOLAUS
Gotcha!

Hercules moves and the crack closes.

HERCULES
Good work, Iolaus.

The earth shakes again and the crack reopens. Porphyrion, the Earth Titan, made of dirt and roots, rises and growls.

HERCULES
Uh-oh.

Porphyrion growls.

PORPHYRION
Let me pass in peace, little man. My quarrel is not
with mortals, but with the gods who imprisoned
me beneath the earth.

HERCULES
If I let you pass, do you pledge to leave the mortal
world alone, and take your fight to Mount Olympus?

Porphyrion shoves his face in Hercules' and growls. Hercules growls back. Porphyrion relaxes.

PORPHYRION
You have my word.

HERCULES
Go.

Porphyrion leaves.

IOLAUS
Who's Mr. Big?

HERCULES
His name is Porphyrion. He's a Titan.

IOLAUS
A Titan?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porphyrion moves along. He holds out his hand and growls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a river, the Water Titan, Tethys, who is made of water, forms. She holds out her hands.

TETHYS
Ha!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a volcano, the Fire Titan, Mnemosyne, rises from the lava. Her body flames and she growls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena has defeated the thug. Wind blows around him.

EXTRA
Huh?

The thug is lifted into the air and screams. The Wind Titan, Crius, forms. Xena looks up at him. The thug holds onto his head.

CRIUS
Hmm. Ahh. Hmm. Hello.

Xena shrugs. Crius picks up the thug and throws him. Xena kicks a cart of hay, which the thug lands in. Xena picks him up by his hair.

XENA
No more stealing...or you'll wish he had squashed
you like a bug.

EXTRA
Y--yes, ma'am.

Xena drops him and Gabrielle moves to her.

GABRIELLE
Xena, look!

Crius flies off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mnemosyne rises in a flame and flies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mnemosyne joins the other three titans.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus is with Ares, Artemis and Aphrodite.

ZEUS
The ancient prophecy has come true at last. The
Titans have escaped from their prison in Tartarus.

APHRODITE
Do you, do you think they'll come here?

ARES
Of course, they'll come here. They want revenge.

APHRODITE
But we will beat them, right?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene listens.

APHRODITE (voice-over)
I mean this prophecy, it does say we win in the end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Gods.

ZEUS
The source of our power is the Chronos stone,
which we won from them many years ago and
with which we could easily defeat them again.
But, as you can see, the Chronos stone is gone.

Aphrodite gasps.

ARTEMIS
That evens the odds considerably.

Ares laughs.

ARES
Should be quite a battle.

They move to high five, but Hera enters.

HERA
A bit soon to celebrate, isn't it? Ya haven't even
met the Titans, yet.

ZEUS
Hera! Where's the Chronos stone? What have
you done with it?

HERA
Why suspect me? Perhaps your mortal took it. You
can't trust them, you know. What a predicament!
The Titans are coming, and no Chronos stone
to protect you. I have it! A champion of mortal blood
can defend you from the big, bad Titans. Doesn't
the prophecy say that? You could ask your son,
Hercules, to help you, if you hadn't just kidnapped
his mother.

Hera laughs and Zeus growls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene holds her head in her hand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera laughs.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Hercules picks up a roof and a man steps out.

EXTRA
Thank you, Hercules.

HERCULES
There, everything seems to be under control, here.
I'd better get going.

APHRODITE
Ahh!

Aphrodite comes down Olympus, but with no control this time.

APHRODITE
Whoa-a-a!

Her shell smashes and she's sent flying.

APHRODITE
Whoa-a-a-a-a-a!

Hercules catches Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Thanks, bro.

HERCULES
I think you're losing your technique.

APHRODITE
Hercules, I know you're mad at Zeus and all, but
you gotta help us! The Titans are coming!

HERCULES
I know. I met one of them.

APHRODITE
You let him go?! But you gotta stop 'em down here,
before they reach Mount Olympus! Come on, be
our champion, please?

HERCULES
Sorry, if I fought the Titans here, innocent people
might get hurt. Besides. I'm not sure I'm on your side.

APHRODITE
Great. Thanks for nothin'.

She disappears.

IOLAUS
So that's it? You're just gonna let the gods down?

HERCULES
They'll find their champion.

IOLAUS
Oh-oh, that's right. You're not the only hero on Earth.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena treats the wounded. Ares watches and Artemis appears.

ARTEMIS
Is there nothing that Xena can't do?

ARES
Shh. What're you doing here?

ARTEMIS
I came to laugh at you. Don't you ever learn?

ARES
Ya have to admit, she's perfect for the job.

ARTEMIS
Yeah, but, she'll never do it.

ARES
If I explain to her what's at stake-

ARTEMIS
She'll think you're lying to her like you always do.
She'll denounce the gods like she always does.
She might even kick your butt while she's at it.
Should be fun to watch.

Ares sighs.

ARES
Yeah, you're right.

ARTEMIS
Here, I'll show you how to deal with a mortal.

She cracks her knuckles and makes a green flaming ball appear in her hands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena washes her hands.

XENA
How many more?

GABRIELLE
Quite a few. Word of your healing has gotten around.

Gabrielle is hit with the ball.

XENA
Gabrielle? Are you all right?

GABRIELLE
Ahh. Mm-hmm. Of course, I--I...

The green flame surrounds Gabrielle and pulls her apart.

GABRIELLE
No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Gabrielle becomes a dot and then turns into a giant eagle. She screeches.

XENA
Gabrielle!

EXTRA
Sorcery!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares and Artemis watch.

ARES
Now, what?

ARTEMIS
We wait.

They disappear.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Titans are at the volcano. Porphyrion looks down at them.

PORPHYRION
This is the hour of our rebirth! And we shall take
our vengeance on the gods of Olympus who
imprisoned us so long ago.

CRIUS
We'll blow 'em away, won't we, Mnemosyne?

Mnemosyne flies into the air.

MNEMOSYNE
We'll make them burn!

Mnemosyne laughs. Crius flies up and hugs her. Tethys sprays them with water.

TETHYS
Cool off, you two. (to Porphyrion) I have waited
too many years, in the bowels of the Earth, to
waste time now. What is our plan?

PORPHYRION
Simple, we will attack Mount Olympus, regain
the sacred stone of our father, Chronos, and rule
the universe!

They laugh. Hera appears, holding the stone.

HERA
Is this the stone you seek?

Hera holds it up and the Titans yell. Mnemosyne attacks Hera, but she holds up the stone and Mnemosyne freezes.

HERA
Stand back.

Porphyrion growls. Mnemosyne is knocked out.

HERA
While I have the stone, you are in my power.
Understand? You work for me. Don't fret. You
shall rule the universe, under my command.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle flaps her wings. Xena moves over to her.

XENA
Gabrielle.

Xena pets Gabrielle.

XENA
I'm so sorry. This is the work of the gods. It's aimed
at me, not you. If only I knew you could understand.

Gabrielle rubs her head against Xena. Xena looks at Gabrielle and holds her beak.

XENA
I'll make thinks right, Gabrielle, I promise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next day. Xena sits atop Gabrielle who flaps her wings and moves over to a cliff. Gabrielle squawks and backs up.

XENA
Shh. Hey, calm down. You can do it, I know you can.

Gabrielle snorts, determined.

XENA
Come on, Gabrielle, go for it.

Gabrielle jumps off the cliff and they fall.

XENA
Oh-h-h! I'm starting to think this wasn't such a good
idea-a-a-a-a-a! Ohhh! Fly, Gabrielle, fly!

Gabrielle sees the ground quickly approaching and screams. She opens her wings and soars into the air.

XENA
Yes! Ya did it!

Xena yells loudly as they fly to Mount Olympus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus, Artemis and Ares stand, weapons in hand. Zeus looks over and then sees Aphrodite, who sits on her shell, meditating.

ZEUS
Mm-hmm. Huh?! Aphrodite, why aren't you ready
for battle?

APHRODITE
I'm sending out a calming aura to neutralize the
bad Titan vibes. And if that doesn't work, I plan to
hide in my shell.

ZEUS
Huh? Oh.

Xena ululates.

ARTEMIS
Shh. What's that?

Xena's ululation is heard. She and Gabrielle fly into view. Xena flips with a yell and lands on Ares' neck.

XENA
Of all the tricks you've ever played on mortals this
was the lowest.

ARES
It wasn't me. She did it.

XENA
Just because I refuse to help in this plot against Hercules-

ARTEMIS
This has nothing to do with Hercules.

Artemis puts her hand on Xena's shoulder. Xena faces her with a growl and Artemis lets go.

ARTEMIS
It's the Titans. If you help us defeat them, I'll turn
your friend back into a human.

Xena lets Ares' up.

XENA
And next time, try asking first.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules and Iolaus climb.

HERCULES
Ya hanging in there?

IOLAUS
Yeah, but I can see why the gods aren't bothered
by pesky drop-in guests!

The mountain shakes.

IOLAUS
Whoa! Not another Earthquake!

The Titans climb.

IOLAUS
It's the Titans.

The Titans break the ledge the two are on and they fall.

IOLAUS
Whoa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

Hercules grabs a ledge and grabs Iolaus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera holds the stone over her head and laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Titans arrive. The Gods and Xena fight the Titans. Xena kicks Crius in the knee and he yells. He creates a wind with his yell, which blows Gabrielle away.

XENA
Gabrielle!

The Gods fight. Porphyrion moves to squash Ares with a boulder. Xena kicks him and he falls over the mountain. Xena holds out her hand to Ares.

ARES
Thanks.

Xena helps him up but then let's him go and he falls back down.

XENA
You're not really welcome.

Xena looks down at Porphyrion. He gets back up and laughs.

XENA
This is gonna be harder than I thought.

The battles continues.

MNEMOSYNE
Oh, baby, that's what I like.

Tethys grabs Aphrodite and surrounds her in a bubble of water. Xena runs to help when another figure moves through the mist. Xena moves to attack with a yell, but Hercules grabs her hand.

XENA
Hercules. It's about time.

HERCULES
Looks like the party started without me.

Zeus sees Hercules and smiles.

ZEUS
Ah!

HERCULES
Unfortunately, I can't stay.

He moves to Zeus' place.

XENA
But--but...

Iolaus crawls up.

IOLAUS
Aphrodite!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crius moves to Hercules.

CRIUS
I'm going to crush your skull like an egg.

HERCULES
Sorry, no time.

Hercules kicks him and sends him flying.

CRIUS
Whoa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

Hercules beats up Crius.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The shaking knocks over Alcmene's palace. She falls out and when she hits the ground, she grows back to normal. She lies unconscious.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite struggles to breath. Iolaus grabs Tethys' hair and pulls Tethys back. She lets go of Aphrodite. Tethys swings Iolaus around with her hair. Ares cuts Tethys' hair and Iolaus falls to the ground.

IOLAUS
Whoa-a-a-a-a-a! I never thought I'd see you help
me out of a tangle.

ARES
Looks like you're havin' a bad hair day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules sees a pillar about to fall on Alcmene.

HERCULES
Mother!

Hercules catches it and returns it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena runs to Zeus' place. Crius reaches out for her. Xena ululates and jumps up. She kicks his hand. Hercules uses the distraction to carry Alcmene away. Zeus sees Hercules running off.

ZEUS
Oh! Huh?!

The battle continues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porphyrion climbs back atop Mount Olympus and stands in Hercules' way.

PORPHYRION
I have no fight with you. You let me go in peace.
I return the favour.

Hercules nods and leaves.

XENA
Hercules!

HERCULES
Iolaus, I have to get my mother to safety.

IOLAUS
Go ahead! I'm gonna stay and fight!

APHRODITE
Not me. I'm outta here.

Aphrodite jumps on her shell and leaves. Ares is washed away by Tethys.

ARES
Who-o-o-o-a-a-a!

Artemis pulls at him.

ARES
No! Let me go!

The gods run and Hera laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus looks at the ruins of Olympus and sees Hera who is still laughing. Zeus runs away.

XENA
Come back, you cowards!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera.

HERA
Run, my family, like the frightened little animals
you are. Yes, like frightened little animals.

She moves her hand over the stone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Iolaus back up as the Titans move in on them.

PORPHYRION
You have chosen the wrong side on which to
fight today.

XENA
It ain't over 'til it's over, big boy.

They move in but Gabrielle flies down and grabs them. They fly off as the Titans roar.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside Alcmene's.

ALCMENE (voice-over)
You mean to tell me, you didn't even lift a finger
to help?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

HERCULES
I--I...look-- I--I climbed Mount Olympus. I--I rescued
you from Zeus. What do you want from me?

ALCMENE
Did you ever think to ask if I wanted to be rescued?

Zeus calls from outside.

ZEUS
Open up! It's me, Zeus!

Alcmene opens the door.

ALCMENE
Where--where are you?

ZEUS
Down here!

Zeus is a mouse.

ALCMENE
Zeus, what happened to you?

ZEUS
Hera.

Hercules laughs. Alcmene moves to close the door.

ARES
Hey, lady!

Ares walks in. He's a goat.

ARES
Lemme in!

HERCULES
Uh, Ares?

ARES
Just watchit. Don't make me ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d.

Artemis steps in. She's a rabbit. She sniffs.

ARTEMIS
Uh, I think I'm allergic to rabbit fur.

APHRODITE
Mo-o-o-o-o-ove!

Aphrodite enters as a pink cow.

APHRODITE
Uh, this is so gross. I don't even eat red meat
and now I am red meat.

Hercules laughs.

ZEUS
What are you laughing at?! This is all your fault!

ARES
Yeah, why didn't you pitch in up there?

ARTEMIS
Now the Titans rule the universe. Who knows
what misery they'll cause.

HERCULES
They couldn't do much worse than you have, now,
could they?

Alcmene growls and leaves. Hercules follows.

ARTEMIS
Is this really how people live down here?

APHRODITE
Uh, pathetic.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules follows Alcmene.

HERCULES
Mother, would you wait?!

Gabrielle lands with Iolaus and Xena.

HERCULES
Oh, Iolaus! I knew you'd make it!

IOLAUS
Yeah, huh.

He storms off. Xena pets Gabrielle.

HERCULES
What? What? I couldn't stay. I had to get my mom.
I...Xena, I-

XENA
Forget it!

She walks past him but stops.

XENA
Oh, and say hello to Gabrielle.

HERCULES
Huh?! Gabrielle?

XENA
Oh, maybe you didn't recognize her - thanks to
your family.

Xena leaves. Hercules moves over to Gabrielle and pets her head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters Alcmene's.

IOLAUS
Hey meet the former gods of Olympus.

XENA
Which one of you animals is Artemis?

The others back up leaving Artemis alone. Artemis clears her throat.

ARTEMIS
Uh, that would be me.

Xena looms over Artemis and Artemis gulps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene cries. Hercules enters.

HERCULES
Why, Mother? Why would you go with Zeus, after
the way he's treated us all these years? I mean,
he's never been there for us, not once. I mean,
what could he possibly have to offer you?

Alcmene falls into his arms.

ALCMENE
Life.

HERCULES
What?

ALCMENE
I know. I know, I should've told you. I've been ill for
quite some time. I didn't realize how ill until a
recent visit to the Oracle. I didn't know what to do.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene sits in a chair.

ALCMENE (voice-over)
Then, one day, Zeus appeared.

Zeus appears.

ALCMENE (voice-over)
He knew. And he made me an offer which would
make up for all his years of neglect.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barn.

ALCMENE
He would take me to Mount Olympus, where I
would become an immortal. It was the hardest
decision I ever had to make. To lose my life, or
risk losing you from my life.

HERCULES
Why didn't you tell me?

ALCMENE
I knew you'd try to stop me. You've always hated
your father so.

Hercules takes her hand.

HERCULES
As long as you're happy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene's. Gabrielle looks in the window.

XENA (voice-over)
What?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Xena holds Artemis by her fur.

XENA
What do you mean, you can't change her back?

ARTEMIS
If I could change her, do you think I'd stay
a bunny rabbit?

Gabrielle squawks.

ARTEMIS
Not that I don't, uh, sympathize, believe me, but,
hey, these things happen. Ooh, what do birds your
size eat, anyway?

Gabrielle looks at her angrily and squawks.

ARTEMIS
Oh, I was afraid of that.

Xena lets Artemis go.

ZEUS
It's the Chronos stone. As long as the Titans
control Mount Olympus, they have the stone, and
we have no powers.

APHRODITE
Yeah, we're stuck down here-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

APHRODITE (voice-over)
-while Hera lives it up on Mount Olympus with
the Titans.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Titans cheer and smash everything. The Titans musical number.

TITANS
(singing) We're the Titans; we're the best.
We're bigger and we're smarter than the rest.
And after all the years we were repressed,
We're the Titans; we're the best.

CRIUS
(singing) We romped on them; we stomped on them,
We blew them to their knees.

MNEMOSYNE
Can we boast?

TETHYS
(singing) We drowned them and we pounded them,

PORPHYRION
(singing) And squashed them all like fleas.

MNEMOSYNE
Now they're toast.

TITANS
(singing) We're the Titans; we are strong.
We knew that we could beat them all along.
They thought that they could win,
but they were wrong, wrong, wrong.
We're the Titans; we are strong.
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Boom.

CRIUS
Oh, yeah.

TITANS
(singing) Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom Boom.

We're the Titans; we're the worst.
We're meaner and we're so much more perversed.
Zeus had all the luck, but now is cursed,
'Cause we're the Titans; we're the worst

TETHYS and MNEMOSYNE
(singing) We trounced them and we bounced them,
And we pushed them off the edge into the void.

CRIUS
What's a void?

PORPHYRION
(singing) And once the Chronos stone is truly mine-

TETHYS
It's mine.

PORPHYRION
(singing) The world will be destroyed.

HERA
I'm getting annoyed.

TITANS
(singing) We're the Titans; we rule the day.
We'll make the gods and little humans pay.

PORPHYRION
(singing) We'll bury them beneath our feet of clay.

TITANS
(singing) We're the Titans; we're okay.
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Boom.

CRIUS
Boom, Boom!

TITANS
(singing) Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Boom.

CRIUS
Boom, Boom!

TITANS
(singing) Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Shaka-laka-laka,
Boom, Boom.

HERA
Quiet! I can't even hear myself gloat. Just look at
this place! It's a disaster! I had forgotten just how
stupid you Titans were. You belong down in Tartarus!

Crius belches and him and Mnemosyne laugh.

CRIUS
Sorry.

The Titans laugh.

HERA
To think I have an eternity of this to look forward to.

Hera leaves and Mnemosyne and Crius laugh.

TETHYS
Is that old hag going to boss us around forever?

PORPHYRION
No, not forever. In fact, not much longer.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Xena looks at Gabrielle.

XENA
Gabrielle, this is terrible. I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.

Xena's musical number.

XENA
This is a fine mess we're in. I don't know what
to do.
(singing) I went and let the bad guys win.
Look what they did to you.
I thought I was a warrior. Still, I failed somehow.
So tell me, what do I do now?

Hercules walks in behind Xena.

XENA
(singing) I thought if I did my best, I'd never make mistakes.
I'd always win the battle, no matter what it takes.
I'd keep my friends from danger. That's my sacred vow.
So tell me, what do I do now?
Hear me, silver sister moon, shinin' in the blue,
Had I wings to fly away, I would fly to you.
But that's not what warriors do.

Hercules sits down and leans on a wall. Xena sees him.

XENA
(singing) Maybe there's more to bein' human,
than actin' brave and strong.
Maybe it's list'ning' to your heart,
and knowin' when you're wrong.
It's keepin' the faith and trustin'
you'll come through, somehow.
And maybe, that's what I'll do now.

She turns to face Hercules.

XENA
(singing) I believe we'll come through, me and you.

Hercules smiles.

XENA
(singing) That's what we'll do now.

Xena joins Hercules.

XENA
Oh, hi.

HERCULES
So, you're, talking to me, now?

She shrugs.

XENA
I had no right to blame you for what's happened
to Gabrielle. If I hadn't been so...

HERCULES
We've both made some mistakes, lately. The
question is, what're we gonna do about it, now?

Xena looks at him and smiles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene's home.

ZEUS (voice-over)
This is all Hercules' fault.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Alcmene picks up Zeus by his tail.

ALCMENE
My Dear, you know as well as I, that Hera would
never have revived the Titans if you hadn't brought
me to Mount Olympus.

ZEUS
Well, uh-

ALCMENE
And if we had been frank with our son, he might
have been there at your side when you needed him.

APHRODITE
She's right, you know? He's always been there
for me, before.

IOLAUS
Yeah, for me, too.

ZEUS
So, in other words, I'm to blame.

Xena and Hercules enter.

HERCULES
No, not really, but it was good of you to say it.

XENA
Hey, why is everyone looking so gloomy? You think
we're gonna take this lying down?

APHRODITE
I would, if I could figure out how to get back up.

HERCULES
Xena and I were talking. The thought of my mother
spending the rest of her life, surrounded by a
bunch of whining farm animals who think they
should be ruling the universe-

APHRODITE
P-p-p-p-p-t-h-h-h-h-h.

XENA
And Gabrielle staying the way she is.

HERCULES
These aren't situations we're prepared just to sit
back and accept.

XENA
So, we've decided...to attack Mount Olympus.

The gods are all shocked.

HERCULES
Why not? The Titans took it from you. We'll just
go up there and take it back from them.

ZEUS
You've forgotten one thing. The Chronos stone.
As long as Hera and the Titans control it, we have
no powers.

HERCULES
Well, I don't mean to be insulting, but, you didn't
do so hot when you had powers, did you?

APHRODITE, ARES and ARTEMIS
O-o-o-o-o.

ZEUS
Son, I mean it. If you go back to Mount Olympus,
there's a good chance you won't come down alive.

HERCULES
It's a chance I'm willing to take...father.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Titans sleep on Olympus. Hera looks at them.

HERA
Disgusting! And you want to rule over all creation? Hah.

Xena's ululation is heard.

HERA
Well, coming back to play, are we? Let's make
things a bit more interesting this time and teach
these buffoons a lesson.

Hera shoots her powers through the stone and a green light hits them. Mnemosyne grows hug legs, a tail and long, black hair.

CRIUS
Hey! I feel pain! I tingle! Strange! Hold it! Stop it!

He screams as he grows bigger and huge wings. He yells. Tethys yells as she grows long, water tentacles. Hera turns the stone on Porphyrion.

PORPHYRION
No!

He screams as the roots twist on his body. His legs grow together and huge like a tree. He has root wings, horns and claws.

HERA
Now, Hercules and his little friends won't stand
a chance.

PORPHYRION
Give me the stone!

Porphyrion moves on Hera.

HERA
Get away, you lummox! Go defend your new empire!

Crius roars and takes to the sky. He flaps his wings and the stone flies from Hera's hands. She yells. Porphyrion catches it with a root and sets it in his forehead. His red eyes glow green.

PORPHYRION
We have the power, now!

He laughs.

HERA
What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

He shrinks Hera and puts her in the palace model. Porphyrion continues to laugh. Xena's ululation is heard and Porphyrion stops laughing. Gabrielle flies up with all the heroes on her back. The Titans roar. Hercules, Xena and Iolaus leap to the ground.

IOLAUS
Uh-oh.

Zeus sticks his head out of Iolaus' pocket.

XENA
Is it just me, or have these guys gotten even uglier?

HERCULES
Well, one thing's for sure, they haven't gotten
any nicer.

Xena, Hercules and Iolaus fight the Titans. Mnemosyne melts Iolaus' sword.

IOLAUS
Ow! Ah! Ah! Aw!

Everyone fights. Xena gives yells as she attacks Tethys. Porphyrion moves on Xena and Hercules.

HERCULES
You know? This could go on forever.

They each kick Porphyrion who falls. Xena lands next to Hercules.

XENA
Got any bright ideas?

The stone has been knocked free of Porphyrion. Hercules looks at it.

HERCULES
Now that you mention it, I do have a thought.
Keep them busy!

Hercules moves and grabs the stone. He yells as he rips it in two. As he does, the ground below Mount Olympus opens. Their chains in Tartarus wait.

HERCULES
Throw them over the side!

Xena yells and flips over Crius. She picks up his foot and he spins. She jumps with a yell and kicks him into the opening. Tethys and Mnemosyne run at Iolaus. He shrugs and they run into each other, their forms canceling each other out. They turn to smoke and mist and Xena jumps with a yell and kicks them into the opening. Porphyrion rises and makes roots grow and traps Hercules. Xena moves to Iolaus.

XENA
It's no good. He draws his power from the earth,
and every time he goes down, he gets stronger.

IOLAUS
Yeah. What can we do?

Xena looks to Gabrielle who is soaring above.

XENA
I've got an idea. Come on.

Porphyrion makes the root pull Hercules into his chin.

PORPHYRION
You should've quit when you were ahead, little man.

XENA
Grab him!

Gabrielle grabs Porphyrion and flies him into the air.

HERCULES
I never quit!

Hercules pulls free and punches Porphyrion. He grabs Gabrielle's leg.

HERCULES
Now! Drop him!

Gabrielle does and Xena grabs Iolaus and smiles. Suddenly Gabrielle is pulled down a bit. They look to see Porphyrion has used a root to grab onto Gabrielle's leg. Porphyrion starts to pull himself up. Hercules moves to the root and pulls, trying to break it. Hercules breaks the root, but he falls with Porphyrion. Porphyrion falls into the opening.

XENA
Hercules!

Gabrielle flies down and catches Hercules.

HERCULES
Climb, Gabrielle, climb! Back to Olympus! Hurry!

Gabrielle does. Hercules jumps and pushes the stone back together. The opening closes, trapping the Titans.

HERCULES
Whew.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus turns back to normal and looks at the still shrunken Hera.

HERA
Hmm. Hmm!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle lands and Xena and Iolaus get off.

IOLAUS
Hey, nice job with that monster.

HERCULES
You didn't do so badly yourself.

Artemis is back to normal. Xena taps her shoulder.

ARTEMIS
Oh. Oh.

Xena glares at Artemis, looks to Gabrielle and then back to Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Mm-hmm.

Artemis makes another flaming green ball, which hits Gabrielle. She's turned back to normal. Xena moves to her.

XENA
Gabrielle, can you ever forgive me?

Gabrielle takes Xena's hand.

GABRIELLE
There's nothin' to forgive. I knew you'd come
through for me.

She laughs.

GABRIELLE
I sort of enjoyed the flying part.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zeus looks at Hera.

HERA
Hmm, it was fun while it lasted. Huh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene's.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcmene packs. Hercules enters.

HERCULES
He's--he's here. I will miss you every day.

Alcmene touches his face.

ALCMENE
Just remember, I'll be watching over you.

They hug.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside. Zeus waits in his chariot. Alcmene takes his hand and joins him. Zeus looks at Hera.

ZEUS
Son, uh, you know you're always welcome at
my, uh-

HERCULES
Yeah, I know.

Zeus leaves with Alcmene. Xena puts a hand on his shoulder.

XENA
She'll be okay. He does care for her.

Hercules nods. Iolaus and Gabrielle join them.

HERCULES
So, where are you headed?

XENA
Corinth. I still have a bag of gold to return.

HERCULES
Maybe, we could walk along with you for a while.

IOLAUS
Sure.

GABRIELLE
That'd be great.

Gabrielle laughs. The four walk into the sunset.

HERCULES
And along the way, you can teach me that great
kick you did up there against Porphyrion.

XENA
Sure, if you'll teach me how to flip a Titan.

HERCULES
I would love to, but it's a family secret.

XENA
Uh-huh.

END OF ACT THREE

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Iolaus

GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Alexandria Tydings as Aphrodite
Josephine Davidson as Alcmene
Josephine Davidson as Artemis
Joy Watson as Hera
Peter Rowley as Zeus
David Mackie as Porphyrion
Alison Wall as Tethys
Alison Wall as Mnemosyne
Ted Raimi as Crius
All Actors as Extras

SINGERS:
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Shelby Flint, Ali B. Olmo and Syreeta Wright as Nymphs
George Ball, Roger Freeland, Amanda McBrown and B.J. Wood as Titans

Written by: Jon Loy
Directed by: Lynne Naylor