Warrior...Princess


TEASER

Xena rides along.

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Xena rides to a castle. The guards step out to meet her.

XENA
I'm here to see-

They bow.

XENA
-the king.

They open the door.

XENA
Thanks.

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Guards hang about.

EXTRA
She was a cute one-

Xena enters. They make two lines.

EXTRA
Quickly!

As Xena moves through them they hold out their weapons.

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Xena enters a room. Tesa enters.

TESA
Are you all right?

XENA
I'm fine, I'm-

Tesa puts a blanket on Xena.

XENA
What are you doing?

TESA
I just thought you might wanna cover your costume.

XENA
What's wrong with my costume?

TESA
Nothing, of course.

XENA
I'm here to see the king.

TESA
He's in his bedroom. I'm sure he wouldn't mind
if you were to visit him there.

XENA
In his bedroom. Hmmm, I don't think so. Can
you ask him to come to me?

TESA
Of course. Your wish is my command.

Tesa leaves.

XENA
Your wish is my command.

Xena pours a drink. Timus comes up behind her with a knife. Xena grabs a torch and blows fire at him. He falls out the window as Lias and some guards enter.

LIAS
It would've been nice to interrogate him. He's
headed west. Go after him.

EXTRA
Yes, sire.

The guards leave.

LIAS
You're a formidable young woman.

XENA
What's going on here?

He turns to look at her.

LIAS
Ye gods above! This is remarkable! I'm sorry.
Where do I start?

XENA
Try explaining who ordered that man to attack me.

LIAS
I wish I knew. I've sent for you because I need
you to save someone's life.

XENA
I am not a hired sword at the disposal of
those who can afford to pay.

LIAS
But, what about those who need you? This attempt
on your life was meant for my little girl.

Diana enters, Xena's exact double.

DIANA
You wanted to see me, Papa?

LIAS
May I present my daughter.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena and Diana look at each other.

LIAS
May I present my daughter, Diana, Princess of
Treus, and heir to my throne. My dear, this is
Xena, Warrior Princess.

DIANA
Amazing. It's like looking in a mirror...before I've
brushed my hair.

LIAS
Uh, Diana, could you leave Xena and me alone
for awhile.

DIANA
Oh, but Papa!

LIAS
Diana, please.

DIANA
Huh!

Diana leaves.

LIAS
I didn't want to talk about the attempts on her life
in front of her. She's upset enough as it is. And
now, perhaps, you understand the earlier confrontation.

XENA
I was mistaken for her.

LIAS
I heard from my cousin, Sisyphus, of the remarkable
resemblance you bore to my daughter. Um, when
I heard you were in the area, I thought it was
fated that you help us.

XENA
There are plenty of people out there who could
use my help and they don't live in castles
surrounded by guards.

A guard enters.

EXTRA
Sir, the assassin has escaped.

The guard leaves.

LIAS
As you see, our guards are not doing well.
Somehow, the assassins get past them. This
is the second attempt on Diana's life.

XENA
I sympathize...

LIAS
I'm told that, of late, you have become a fighter
for justice. Now, what is more just than putting
the slave-traders out of business?

XENA
What are you talking about?

LIAS
Diana is to marry Mineus of Liberium the day
after tomorrow. Now, when Diana and Mineus
are married, the two Kingdoms will be united
under our constitution. Our laws strictly forbid slavery.

XENA
I bet that doesn't sit too well with the rich slave-traders
of Liberium.

LIAS
This wedding is her chance at happiness, and
this is being threatened by the greed of slave-traders.
As a king, and as a father, I implore your help.

XENA
So, you want me to masquerade as the princess.

LIAS
Just until the wedding.

XENA
Hmm. She'll have to go into hiding outside the castle.

LIAS
No, no, I couldn't possibly allow that. She hasn't
left this castle since her mother was killed.

XENA
Even better. No one will know who she is. Look,
the people who are trying to kill your daughter
will be looking for her here. Someone inside
the castle is working with the slavers. This is
where the danger is.

Tesa enters.

XENA
Name?

LIAS
Tesa.

XENA
Ah, Tesa, I'm sorry if I was a bit curt with you before.
I wanted you to like my costume. It's for
a ball we're having after the wedding.

TESA
Oh, your Highness, that's a wonderful costume
for a ball. I didn't understand what it was for.
Would you like to have croisus tonight?

XENA
Croisus?

LIAS
Korean delicacy.

XENA
Yes, I love croisus.

TESA
And quail's eggs for breakfast?

XENA
Fine.

TESA
Akhbash now?

XENA
Definitely.

Lias clears his throat.

XENA
Well, I'm famished. A few bites of Akhbash is
just what I need.

TESA
Excuse me, your Highness? You want to eat Akhbash?

Akkbash is brought in. He is a dog.

XENA
Oh, yeah. Just joking.

Xena picks up the dog.

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Diana dresses in Xena's clothes behind a curtain.

XENA
Who's here from Liberium?

DIANA
Only my fiancé's brother, Philemon. He negotiated
the terms of the marriage. I'm supposed to meet
my future husband later on today when he arrives.

XENA
You mean you have never met your husband-to-be.

DIANA
No.

XENA
That's good.

DIANA
Unless you have to spend the rest of your life
with him. But I'm optimistic. If he's anything like
his brother, that'd be wonderful!

XENA
So, you like this Philemon.

DIANA
Oh, yes, he's brave and noble, with sky-blue eyes
and fawn-coloured hair.

Diana steps out.

DIANA
So, how do I look?

Holds out chakram.

DIANA
This seems too big. A necklace?

XENA
Hey, be careful with that. It's not a piece of jewelry,
it's a weapon.

DIANA
O-o-oh, how does it work?

XENA
You throw it.

She clips it to the belt.

XENA
Leave it there. It looks great on you.

Xena takes off the red ribbons Diana has added.

DIANA
I was just trying to give it some colour, it seems
so awfully dark.

XENA
Well, you have to convince people that you're me,
and I like dark. Now, stand up straight. Push
your shoulders back. Plant your feet like this.
Well, it's a start.

Diana picks up a dress.

DIANA
Thank you for risking your life for me. This experience,
pretending to be you, I mean, it'll be good for me.
I'll be among the little people, learning of their concerns.

XENA
Well, the first thing you should learn is not to
call them little people. Meet my friend, Gabrielle,
on the north road. Give her this.

She hands Diana a scroll.

XENA She'll take care of you.

Diana hands Xena a dress.

DIANA
No, that's the front.

XENA
Oh. Thanks.

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Diana rides out on Argo.

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Xena walks along when Philemon enters. She knocks him out. She picks up his flowers to find no weapons.

XENA
I suppose this would qualify as fawn hair.

Xena gets a cup of water.

XENA
Let's see if you have sky-blue eyes.

She throws the water in Philemon's face.

PHILEMON
Your Highness. Did you see them?

XENA
No, no, you scared them all away, Philemon.

PHILEMON
I should have been by your side, your Highness.

Philemon sees the ruined flowers.

XENA
Well, it was a lovely thought.

PHILEMON
Thank you. Lucky I was early. Remember, you
wanted to take a walk with me? But, since there
was another attempt, maybe we shouldn't.

XENA
No, no, I feel very safe with you. I'd like to take a
walk around the whole castle, if it's possible.

PHILEMON
Of course. This way.

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Philemon and Xena walk along.

XENA
And your brother, is he like you?

PHILEMON
You always ask me that, and I always tell you
the same thing. He's a gentleman and a scholar.
I am merely a negotiator.

XENA
Well, tell me again how you feel about your kingdom
freeing the slaves.

PHILEMON
You know how I feel. It will make me very proud
of Liberium.

XENA
And your brother?

PHILEMON
You know he believes strongly in emancipation.
Why are you asking me these questions?

XENA
Well, my father thinks it's the pro-slave faction
who's trying to kill me.

PHILEMON
I assure you, all the Liberium contingent coming
here today support emancipation of the slaves.
We would free them right now, if it weren't for the
ancient bylaws. Everything will work out fine. My
brother is marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman,
whose face and smile light a room brighter than
sunlight. And when he hears you play the harp...

XENA
The harp?

PHILEMON
His heart will break as mine broke, and he will
feel about you as I do.

XENA
And, how's that?

PHILEMON
That this is the best possible marriage for him.
Shall we?

Assassins enter.

PHILEMON
I don't suppose you know them, do you?

XENA
No, I don't.

PHILEMON
Stay behind me. This could get ugly.

XENA
(to herself) You have no idea.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

The assassins stand before them.

PHILEMON
Don't worry, Princess, I can handle this.

The assassins attack, but Xena does all the fighting when Philemon isn't looking. The assassins run off, and Xena gets ready to follow. Philemon holds her back.

PHILEMON
Your Highness, you're running the wrong way!

EXTRA
Hey, hey, fellas, wait for me!

Philemon has a bleeding nose.

XENA
Ah, here. Hold here and press down hard. It'll
stop the bleeding. You were so brave.

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Gabrielle writes a poem while leaning on a tree.

GABRIELLE
The woe of hearts long dead
Pounds soundly in my head.
For a Warrior Princess lives
In a world of broken...
Broken. Bives? Mives? Sieves? Broken sieves?
It could work.

A Low Life enters.

GABRIELLE
Could you please move? You're blocking my sunlight.

LOW LIFE
I'll gladly return the sun, for a price.

GABRIELLE
Sunlight is free from the gods.

LOW LIFE
Not from me. Give me your purse.

Diana rides in.

GABRIELLE
Listen, you really don't want to do this. It could
prove to be dangerous to your health.

He attacks Gabrielle. Diana dismounts and Argo moves away.

GABRIELLE
Xena! Xena!

Diana runs over to Gabrielle and hits the Low Life. He looks at her, and she holds up her fists.

LOW LIFE
You look good for a gold piece or twenty.

Diana runs away.

DIANA
Papa! Papa!

Gabrielle beats up the Low Life. She walks down the road, and finds Diana in a bush.

GABRIELLE
Okay, I just wish you would give me some warning
when you're going to test me like that.

DIANA
Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Yes?

Diana hands Gabrielle the scroll.

GABRIELLE
Are you all right? What happened at the castle?
So, you're Princess Diana? Who just happens
to look exactly like Xena? Hah! It's test day, isn't
it? Well, you're gonna have to do better than that.

DIANA
You mean, you don't believe I'm Princess Diana?

GABRIELLE
Hmm, not for a minute.

DIANA
But you've got to. I can't pretend to be Xena without
you're giving me a few pointers. I haven't been
out of the castle in years. I got lost three
times on the way here, and I'm missing my father already.

She starts crying.

DIANA
And now, you don't even believe I'm me. You
think I'm Xena. Well, I can't be Xena, 'cause, I'm
not Xena!

GABRIELLE
You're not Xena.

DIANA
No, I'm Princess Diana.

GABRIELLE
My goodness, the resemblance is amazing. I'm
honoured to meet you, Princess.

Gabrielle starts to bow.

DIANA
I don't think you should be doing that. I'm not
me, remember.

GABRIELLE
Right.

DIANA
Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena.

GABRIELLE
Well, for starters, stop crying.

DIANA
Right. I'll stop. (keeps crying) I'll try.

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Xena looks at the footprints from the earlier attack and Philemon watches, hidden. Tesa enters.

TESA
Princess, you have to get ready for the reception.
Your husband-to-be has arrived.

XENA
Oh, goody!

Tesa and Xena leave.

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Tesa brushes Xena's hair.

TESA
Eight hundred, thirty-two. Eight hundred, thirty-three.
Eight hundred, thirty-four. Eight hundred, thirty-five.
Eight hundred, thirty-six.

XENA
How much longer?

TESA
The usual, your Highness. A full thousand strokes.
You wanna look your best for Mineus.

Lias enters.

XENA
My hair has never looked so good. It doesn't need
anymore brushing.

TESA
Only two hundred more to go.

Xena grabs the brush.

XENA
I tell you what, uh, we'll do twelve hundred strokes
tomorrow to make up for it.

Tesa exits.

LIAS
Philemon told me of the latest assassination attempt.

XENA
Yes, I went back later to follow their tracks. When
they ran away, they didn't go out the gates. They
entered the castle. Someone inside - someone
with a lot of control over who comes and goes
around here - is working with them.

LIAS
Most disturbing. We have a traitor in our midst.
Mineus, my future son-in-law, has arrived, and
the banquet in his honour is due to start soon.

XENA
I'm ready to meet him. What's wrong?

LIAS
I could excuse you by saying the princess has
been taken ill. This is a very dangerous test of
your believability as Diana. The banquet will be
full of people who have known Diana since childhood.

XENA
That's exactly where I wanna be. One of them
might be the traitor. Don't worry, I'll handle it.

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Lias and Xena enter.

EXTRA
Greetings, your Highness.

EXTRA
Greetings, your Highness.

Xena moves over to Mineus and gives a courtesy. Mineus bows and Xena moves away.

MINEUS
She's attractive enough, but her courtesy is abominable.
You said her manners are impeccable.

PHILEMON
They were until now.

XENA
(to Lias) Who's the walking gem-mine?

LIAS
That's Glauce, my ambassador to Liberium.

XENA
Looks like a used chariot salesman. You're paying
him too much.

LIAS
Liberians like to give gifts to visitors. Some of
them are very wealthy.

XENA
Like the slave-traders? Who's he talking to?

LIAS
Bromeus, my top general. They're both above
suspicion. Glauce has obeyed my instructions
perfectly in arranging this entire marriage. He
hasn't got an evil spot in his whole body.

XENA
Now, come on, we've all got that evil spot somewhere.

EXTRA
Your Majesty and royal guests, dinner is served.

GLAUCE
To the most beautiful bride under Zeus's sun.

EXTRA
Hear, hear.

PHILEMON
It's beautiful.

XENA
I have a toast. To the end of slavery in Liberium.

ALL
End of slavery.

XENA
To the end of corruption in our Kingdoms.

ALL
To the end of corruption.

XENA
Death to traitors in our midst.

She pauses.

XENA
Did I do that right, Father?

LIAS
Perfectly; just as I told you. Although I think
you may have overreacted a little on the last one.
Bring on the feast.

MINEUS
Now, I have a toast. To my wife-to-be. I understand
that you're an accomplished musician.

XENA
No, not really, no.

PHILEMON
She's an artist on the harp.

GLAUCE
Let's hear the princess play.

LIAS
I am very hungry.

PHILEMON
Please Diana, play for us.

XENA
As you wish.

Xena moves over to the harp and sits.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Xena places her hand, but then breaks the stings with her fingers.

LIAS
It appears the strings have been strung too tightly.
Maybe another day.

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Diana brushes Argo's hair.

DIANA
Eight hundred, thirty-three. Eight hundred, thirty-four.
Eight hundred, thirty-five. Eight hundred, thirty-six.

GABRIELLE
I think that's plenty.

DIANA
Really? It looks so flat and dull.

GABRIELLE
Uh, horses' tails are supposed to be flat and dull.

Gabrielle lays out the blankets.

DIANA
Why are you throwing those rags on the soil?

GABRIELLE
It's gonna be dark soon. I think we should get
some sleep.

DIANA
I agree, but why are you putting those r...we're
sleeping on the ground?

GABRIELLE
That's what Xena does.

DIANA
Boy, I sure am hungry. I could eat a whole pickled
croisus on my own.

GABRIELLE
Couldn't we all? Um, I'm not much of a hunter.
Not like Xena. You'll have to make do with this.

DIANA
What is it?

GABRIELLE
Cheese.

DIANA
I've got some dinars. We could go out to an inn
and get some real food.

GABRIELLE
Just try the cheese. It may not be as bad
as you think.

Diana tries it and then spits it out, thinking Gabrielle can't see.

DIANA
What?

GABRIELLE
You may look like Xena, but you're nothing alike.

DIANA
Philemon thinks that I'm a delicate flower. Far
too frail to eat bread and cheese and endure a
night under the stars. Did I ever tell you that I
haven't been outside the castle walls but twice?

GABRIELLE
More times than you've actually been outside
the castle walls.

DIANA
This experience will enrich me, and allow me
to better rule my Kingdom. Yes! At last, I am one
of the little...the ordinary people. And when I'm
Queen, I won't be locked away in my castle. No,
I will go out to my people, and, and I will share
their simple joys. And, and I'll know their hearts.

Mirus enters.

DIANA
A-a-a-ah! Who is that horrible little man?

GABRIELLE
He's one of the ordinary people, whose simple
joy you wanted to share.

DIANA
Oh.

MIRUS
Hello. Do, do you have any extra crumbs for a
starving man and his family?

DIANA
Starving? There's no one starving in my...in this kingdom.

MIRUS
Whatever you say, Miss.

GABRIELLE
Wait. I think you could use this more than us.

She hands him the bread and cheese.

MIRUS
Oh, thank you, thank you.

DIANA
You said you had a family. Where are they?

MIRUS
It's all right!

His wife, two daughters and son step out.

MIRUS
That's them. We're gonna stay in the woods until
I find some work.

DIANA
Oh.

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Diana's room.

XENA
Philemon, what are you doing here?

PHILEMON
Care for some fruit?

He tosses her the fruit and she catches it. He runs at Xena with a dagger.

PHILEMON
What have you done with Princess Diana? Where
have you taken her?

Xena holds him by the throat.

XENA
Her father sent her away for her own safety.

She let's Philemon up.

XENA
How did you know?

PHILEMON
Lots of things. Like, just now, when I tossed
you that orange. Diana can't catch. I first became
suspicious when you tended my bloody nose.
The princess faints at the sight of blood. Who
are you?

XENA
My name is Xena.

PHILEMON
Xena? Amazing. Do you know who's behind
the attacks?

XENA
Whoever stands to gain the most from her murder.
Maybe you.

PHILEMON
I would never harm her. She is the most magnificent
creature ever to walk the earth. Her smile is
daylight itself. Her, her voice is sweet as a siren's song.

XENA
How long have you been in love with her?

PHILEMON
From the first day I laid eyes on her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An assassin moves under Diana's window. He lights a bottle with a rag, and throws it into the room. Nothing happens.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena holds the bottle.

PHILEMON
How does it work?

XENA
Like this.

Xena throws the bottle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bottle lands at Timus' feet, and he catches on fire. Xena jumps out of the window, and throws him in a tub outside, putting him out.

XENA
It's sizzlin' tonight, don't you think?

TIMUS
Who are you? You, you're not the princess.

XENA
You got that right, Plato. Now, why are you trying
to kill her?

She puts The Pinch on him.

XENA
Your blood flow has stopped. And you're doomed
to die a painful death, unless you tell me who
your contact inside is.

TIMUS
It was the king's general, Bromeus. It was him
who hired me.

Xena takes The Pinch off of him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, Lias and several guards move along.

LIAS
Why? Why Bromeus? He's always been my loyal
Marshall General, as was his father before him.

XENA
Maybe the slave-traders got to him with a bribe.

Glauce enters.

GLAUCE
I understand you suspect Bromeus to have
something to do with the treachery.

LIAS
As terrible as it seems, it appears he's involved.

GLAUCE
How sad.

They enter the room to find Bromeus hung.

GLAUCE
He killed himself rather than deal with the disgrace
of being found out as a traitor.

LIAS
With the leader of the conspiracy dead, the danger
is over. I'm gonna get Diana. Thank you, Xena.

Lias leaves.

GLAUCE
Xena. That explains a lot. I'm talking about the
harp incident, of course. I join the king in extending
our gratitude for saving the princess. (to guards)
Cut him down.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the hall.

PHILEMON
When she returns, the wedding will go as planned.

XENA
Only if you let it. Tell Diana you love her.

PHILEMON
My brother is first-born. Diana is rightfully his.

XENA
Diana belongs to no one but herself, and the
sooner you both realize that, the better off your
kingdoms will be.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

MIRUS
Thank you, Xena, for buying this food. It's the first
good meal we've had in a while.

DIANA
I assure you, that all the corruption which has
stopped royal aid getting to the poor will come
to an end. I know the king personally. He'll hear
about this.

WAIF
Thank you, Xena.

She picks up the chakram.

WAIF
What's this?

DIANA
This? It's my round killing thing.

GABRIELLE
Chakram.

DIANA
Bless you. (to Waif) I use it to fight evil.

WAIF
Tell us about it.

DIANA
Well, like the time when I had to kill a lot of centaurs.

Gabrielle shakes her head.

DIANA
Not centaurs, uh, I mean, Cyclopses.

Gabrielle half nods.

DIANA
Hundreds of them. I took care of them all with
my trusty round thing.

WAIF
Show us how it works.

GABRIELLE
Would you like a piece of bread?

DIANA
All right. See that tree over there?

Diana stands up and starts swinging her arm around.

GABRIELLE
No!

Diana lets go. The chakram bounces all over, hitting Lias' crown as he enters. Gabrielle and Argo duck as it moves at their heads, and the chakram plants itself in the tree.

WAIF
Good shot!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the courtyard.

DIANA
I'm telling you, Papa, they have nothing. I listened
to them. Bromeus wasn't the only corrupt official
in our midst. We have to make sure that the charity
intended for the poor actually gets to them.

XENA
I take it your journey among the "little people"
was educational.

DIANA
You were right. They're not little at all. They're
grand and they're warm, and, and they deserve
so much more from us.

LIAS
We can discuss all this later. You have
a future husband to meet.

Philemon kneels.

PHILEMON
Welcome home, your Highness. My brother looks
forward to his introduction.

DIANA
Arise, Philemon. We're soon to be family.

The royals leave.

GABRIELLE
Nice place. A girl could get used to this.

XENA
Well, don't. We're leaving here as soon as I can
get out of this outfit.

GABRIELLE
I like it.

XENA
We're going to be in Corinth by nightfall. I can't
wait to get my stuff back from Diana.

Xena and Gabrielle leave. Glauce watches from above.

GLAUCE
With Xena out of the way, killing Diana will be easy.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Philemon and Mineus walk along.

MINEUS
When the wedding vows take place, it's, um, all
official, correct?

PHILEMON
Yes.

MINEUS
Good, good.

PHILEMON
You think you can love her?

MINEUS
Who?

PHILEMON
Diana, who do you think?

MINEUS
Oh, Diana? Love her? I don't know. We'll see.

PHILEMON
If it's all right with you, I'll head back home right
after the wedding. You'll want to be alone with your
bride, and there's nothing really left for me to do.

MINEUS
Whatever.

A guard enters.

GUARD
Excuse me, sir, we had to borrow this chair from
your room. If you'll allow me, I'll return it now.

MINEUS
Certainly.

PHILEMON
What did you need the chair for?

GUARD
To stand on when we cut down that swine who
hung himself.

PHILEMON
There was nothing to stand on in his room.

GUARD
No, sir. Not a thing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Philemon and Xena walk along (Xena is still pretending to be Diana).

PHILEMON
He had to have been murdered, your Highness.
There was nothing for him to stand on to hang himself.

XENA
What can this mean?

PHILEMON
The conspiracy has not yet been crushed. Your
life is still in danger. The wedding must be canceled.

XENA
No! No, we can't let these terrors stop us from
doing what's right. Go find Xena. Bring her back.

PHILEMON
I can't leave you alone.

XENA
Please, Philemon, do as I ask. I'm asking you
from my heart.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The chandelier is hung. The rope is tied to the wall.

GLAUCE
We'll kill two birds with one stone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Philemon rides.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena gets ready.

TESA
Your Highness looks beautiful.

EXTRA
The princess' veil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wedding room.

MINEUS
Glauce, well, all your negotiations are about to
reach fruition.

GLAUCE
You're not nervous, are you?

MINEUS
Why should I be nervous?

GLAUCE
It's your wedding day.

MINEUS
Oh! Well, yes.

GLAUCE
Here's where you will crown your bride and join
our Kingdoms for better or for worse.

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Xena moves through the hall.

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Philemon rides up to Diana and Gabrielle (unaware it's Diana).

PHILEMON
Xena!

DIANA
What is it?

PHILEMON
It's urgent you return to the castle. Bromeus was
murdered, obviously, by other conspirators. The
princess is still in danger.

They ride off.

GABRIELLE
I'll just uh, uh, don't mind me. Have fun.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters the wedding room.

GLAUCE
She is a tribute to you, your Highness.

Xena and Mineus stand together. An assassin starts to cut the rope holding the chandelier. It falls, and Xena throws Mineus out of the way. Xena swings on the rope, and gives her yell as she attacks the entering assassins. She throws off her veil and kicks butt.

MINEUS
This is who I'm marrying?

Xena keeps fighting.

GLAUCE
(to a guard) It's the Warrior Princess, which means
Diana's someplace else, probably unprotected.
Let's go.

Xena grabs some arrows, and uses the harp as a bow. They pin Glauce to the wall.

XENA
Didn't anybody ever tell you it's rude to leave
before the cake's cut.

MINEUS
I don't know if this is the best time, but, uh, I'm
not marrying this woman.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diana and Philemon ride along.

DIANA
Whoa, Argo.

PHILEMON
Xena, what are you doing? We must hurry.

Philemon dismounts.

DIANA
There's something that's been bothering me.

Diana dismounts.

PHILEMON
What?

DIANA
Did you tell Diana you love her?

PHILEMON
How can you think about that now? Her life is
in danger.

DIANA
She'll be fine. This is much more important.

PHILEMON
More important than her life.

DIANA
Did you tell her?

PHILEMON
No.

DIANA
Why not?

PHILEMON
Because I don't think she loves me.

DIANA
That's not true, I do.

PHILEMON
Diana.

DIANA
Philemon.

They kiss.

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People dance. Xena and Gabrielle watch from some stairs.

GABRIELLE
It's so romantic, isn't it?

XENA
Very.

GABRIELLE
I hope I find someone who'll make me smile like that.

XENA
I'm sure you will. Just don't be afraid to speak
up when it happens. Of course, that's never
been a problem with you, has it?

Diana and Philemon dance.

GABRIELLE
She's so beautiful. Look how her hair shines.

XENA
Well, they sure brush it enough.

GABRIELLE
Wait till you see Argo's tail. What was it like being her?

XENA
Not as much fun as you would think.

GABRIELLE
Really?
XENA
Mm-hmm.

GABRIELLE
You had people waiting on you hand and foot,
fulfilling your every whim.

XENA
Hey, that's what you're here for.

GABRIELLE
You had all the riches a person could desire,
and you didn't enjoy that.

XENA
It's just not me.

A servant walks by and Xena takes two items off of the plate.

XENA
O-o-oh! Thank you. Try one of these, they're incredible.
We had them for dessert every night. I didn't
say I couldn't get used to it. Thank you.

Xena grabs a plate from a servant who walks by.

EXTRA
But I...excuse me.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Diana
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Iain Rea as Philemon
Norman Forsey as King Lias
Latham Gaines as Minius
Patrick Smith as Glauce
Michelle Huirama as Tesa
Jason Hoyte as Timus
Jonathon Acorn as Mirus
Ian Miller as Low Life
Chris Bohm as Guard
Mia Koning as Waif

Written by: Brenda Lilly
Directed by: Michael Levine

Disclaimer: Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed
during the production of this motion picture.