For Him the Bell Tolls


TEASER

Xena and Gabrielle ride along.

GABRIELLE
You sure about this?

XENA
Yes, Gabrielle. Okay, I'm gonna let you off here.

Gabrielle dismounts.

GABRIELLE
I can't believe you wanna to without me.

XENA
I don't want to go without you, but King Lias'
message said the ceremony is tomorrow. I'll
have to push Argo pretty hard to make it there myself.

GABRIELLE
I can follow you. I'll get there a day later. Look, if
they want you there for security reasons, then
maybe there's a bigger problem than he's letting on.

XENA
Gabrielle, relax. Enjoy yourself for a couple of
days. I can handle this without you.

GABRIELLE
Hmm. Fine. Maybe there are a few problems
around here that I can handle without you.

XENA
Well, if there are, I'm sure you're up to the challenge.
See you in a couple of days. Yah!

Xena rides off.

GABRIELLE
"I'm sure you're up to the challenge." How patronizing
can you get?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere. Joxer draws his sword.

JOXER
Any time you're ready. It's your funeral.

He attacks air.

JOXER
Ah-hah! You're next, Megalopolis. I'm gonna cut
your head off and feed it to the fishes! But first a
special move I'm gonna put on ya.

He does a really bad Xena yell and jumps. He hits the ground and Gabrielle walks in.

GABRIELLE
Hey, Joxer. You all right?

JOXER
Great! Sh! Sh-Sh!

He puts his ear to the ground.

JOXER
I'm just listening to make sure no giants tracked
me. Yeah and-

He puts his sword away.

JOXER
-they didn't.

GABRIELLE
Mmm. That's a load off my mind.

JOXER
Yeah. Oh, wait! Where's Xena?

GABRIELLE
Ah, she's off being a hero.

JOXER
Oh. How come you're not with her?

GABRIELLE
'Cause I'm a sidekick, obviously expendable,
when push comes to shove.

JOXER
Hmm. Wait, wait, wait! That's great! Don't you
get it? You're a sidekick without a hero. And I'm
a hero without a sidekick.

GABRIELLE
Of course. You're a hero. A hero of what?

JOXER
I am Joxer the Mighty. I'm the greatest
hero that ever was.
(singing) I'm Joxer the mighty;
He roams through the country-

GABRIELLE
Joxer, I'm not in the mood for this.

JOXER
What?

GABRIELLE
You know, one day you'll realize what it really means
to be a hero. And then you'll change your tune.

JOXER
I am a hero. Look, what would Xena do in a
situation like this?

GABRIELLE
Like what?

JOXER
Like um...you know...walking.

GABRIELLE
Actually, she would guard our rear.

JOXER
She would?

GABRIELLE
Mmm. And she'd stay way back to intercept
anybody that might follow us.

JOXER
Oh, 'cause like if we get attacked from behind-

GABRIELLE
Ah, deadly.

JOXER
So, I could fight, I could-

GABRIELLE
Yeah, yep.

JOXER
Great. I'll stay right back here. Don't worry, no
one's gonna get your rear.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple. Aphrodite enters.

APHRODITE
Cupid?! Where are you?

CUPID
Yo, Mom. What up?

APHRODITE
I have an overwhelming sense of grodiness, Cupid.

CUPID
Why? What's the problem?

APHRODITE
You did your gooey love-thing on Princess Ileandra
and Prince Sarpedon.

CUPID
Yeah, they're a cooking couple. It's set.

APHRODITE
But their marriage will unite their two kingdoms!

CUPID
Exactly. Look, get to the point, Mom. I'm real busy.

APHRODITE
Their fathers plan to dismantle my temples that
line the border. If I lose those temples, I'll have
fewer than that hagster, Athena.

CUPID
So you lose a few crummy temples! Bit deal!
This is love!

APHRODITE
That's way harsh, Cupid. I'm Aphrodite, the Goddess
of Love. Temples are my kahunas, the way I
know whether I'm happening or not. Now, I want
you to undo this thing.

CUPID
No way! They're eloping! It'll be over before you
know it!

APHRODITE
Oh! This is so not fair! Ah. You're forcing me
to get involved.

CUPID
I am not!

APHRODITE
Yes you are! I can whip up a major jealousy rage
in no time. All I need is an accomplice.

CUPID
You always do this! You're gonna find some
hero, right? Like Theseus or Perseus, throw
your little lust-spell on 'em, then, pow! They're
your boy-toys.

APHRODITE
As if, Cupid. I don't need a hero. I can do it with anyone.

CUPID
Anyone? I doubt it.

APHRODITE
Well, then, I guess it's time for the Goddess of
Love to prove to her son just how powerful she
can be. You name the dude, I'll work with him.

CUPID
Anyone, huh?

APHRODITE
Anyone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

JOXER
No one's gonna get me from behind if I walk
backwards. Yeah, guard--guard--guard--guard---guard-

APHRODITE
Hi, there, studmuffin.

Joxer looks behind him.

APHRODITE
I mean you, big guy. I need a strong warrior type
to do me a favour. I'd be ever so grateful.

She holds out a bell.

APHRODITE
Take this to Princess Ileandra.

JOXER
Ileandra.

APHRODITE
It's a wedding present.

JOXER
Present.

APHRODITE
Make sure you deliver it personally.

JOXER
Oh, okay.

She gives it to him.

JOXER
Don't worry. I won't let you down. Hey, you're
Aphrodite, aren't you?

She nods.

JOXER
Don't worry, I'll bring it!

Joxer leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of men attack Ileandra and her maids. Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
No.

Gabrielle enters the battle and kicks some butt. Aphrodite appears and watches. A warrior takes Gabrielle's staff and then kicks her, followed by a punch which knocks her to the ground.

EXTRA
Break her in half.

Aphrodite rings a bell and Joxer comes flipping in (with another bad Xena yell).

JOXER
Blood, valour and victory! Hah-hah! Ah. Ah!

He gets rid of his hat and dorky armour. Now in white shirt and brown vest. Joxer draws a thinner sword and battles the warriors without effort. He throws Gabrielle her staff.

JOXER
Here you go! Watch that step.

Joxer defeats the warriors.

EXTRA
He's so strong.

ILEANDRA
You saved us.

EXTRA
My hero.

JOXER
My sword is always ready to pleasure you, my lady.

EXTRA
He's so good-looking.

The girls surround him.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

JOXER
Ladies, please, please.

Gabrielle tries to get through.

GABRIELLE
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

ARIA
He's mine, sister.

JOXER
Please, each of you is like a rose in the garden
of life. I've come to sample the fragrance of but one.

EXTRAS
Who? Who?

JOXER
Princess Ileandra.

ILEANDRA
Me. That's me. I'm Princess Ileandra.

JOXER
Then I have a gift for you.

He holds out the bell.

JOXER
It's golden finish is but a dim glimmer of the
shimmering radiance of your cream-like skin.

ILEANDRA
Put it on, quick.

He does. The bell rings and he is turned back to normal Joxer.

JOXER
Oh.

GABRIELLE
Joxer.

JOXER
Huh?

GABRIELLE
That was amazing. What has gotten into you?

JOXER
Ah, ah, I don't know. Um, protecting your rear
and uh, ah, day - where am I?

ILEANDRA
Say that thing again, about my skin and cream.

JOXER
Cream and...skin? (to Gabrielle) What? I don't
know...who I am, anymore.

He moves off.

ILEANDRA
Thank the gods you two arrived when you did.
I'm Princess Ileandra of Mylon.

GABRIELLE
I'm Gabrielle. Where are you headed?

ILEANDRA
Pyros. I'm going to elope with my betrothed,
Prince Sarpedon.

GABRIELLE
Mmm. Romantic.

While Ileandra and Gabrielle talk, Joxer looks at his clothes, wondering where his armour is.

ILEANDRA
Romantic, yes. Practical, no. I had no idea it was
so dangerous outside of the castle. Would you
go with us? I'd be so grateful. After all, you two
did save our lives.

Joxer picks up his sword and stands, bumping his head into the tree branch.

JOXER
Ow! Ah! Oh! Ow! Ooh! You!

He kicks the tree.

JOXER
Ahh!

ILEANDRA
That is the guy who saved us, isn't it?

GABRIELLE
That's Joxer. He saved you.

JOXER
I did? I mean, ah, oh, I did. I did. Yes, umm, sure,
there must have been, uh twenty of them. Or more?
Or less? Whatever it was, I, you know I--I tore
'em apart with my bare hands, so-

ILEANDRA
So, will you help us?

GABRIELLE
Ah, Joxer, are you up to this?

JOXER
Of course, of course, it's all coming back to me,
now. They had cross-bows, right? I mean
cata--catapults? Chariots? Whatever, I mean, I
was very fierce when I, when I took them out
and listen, as far as your skin is concerned, ah,
it reminds me of cream just before it curdles,
'cause that's when it's the best.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle. Kings laugh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside castle.

KING BARIS
There's nothing like a wedding to bring two
families together. To you, Linius. And peace to
both our kingdoms.

Aphrodite appears.

KING LINIUS
And you, Baris. Peace between our kingdoms.

Cupid appears.

CUPID
It's a done deal, Mom. Give it up.

KING LINIUS
It's been a long time coming. Now, to rid ourselves
of these pesky temples to Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Pesky!

KING BARIS
This one on your land blocks my view of the river.

She laughs.

APHRODITE
Who would wanna look at a stupid river, when
you could look at me? Tell him, Linius.

King Linius knocks it off the model of their lands.

KING LINIUS
Done. I've always thought this one was ugly.

APHRODITE
Ugly?!

CUPID
Hey, show some class, Mom. You can't always
have everything your way.

King Baris knocks off his temple and laughs. Aria enters.

ARIA
King Linius. It pains me to reveal this. But
I feel it my duty as a lady of honour to inform you.

KING LINIUS
I know what you're gonna say. They're eloping.

KING BARIS
What?!

KING LINIUS
Yes, my spies are more effective than yours, my
friend. Don't be alarmed. It'll just save us the
expense of a wedding banquet.

King Baris laughs.

KING BARIS
Yes, yes, good.

Cupid laughs.

APHRODITE
Careful, Cupid. You know I always win.

ARIA
It's not the elopement I speak of. I saw Princess
Ileandra in the arms of another man. A gallant
warrior named Joxer.

KING BARIS
Nonsense! Take it back, woman!

ARIA
Oh, it's true. My friend saw it, too.

KING LINIUS
Then I withdraw my approval from the marriage!
I can't have my son marrying a harlot!

KING BARIS
Who are you calling a harlot?! This is vicious slander!

KING LINIUS
Perhaps, but I'm stopping all negotiations 'til
we get to the bottom of this.

KING BARIS
No! I'm stopping all negotiations until I get
to the bottom of this!

They leave separate ways. Aphrodite laughs.

APHRODITE
Lust versus love. You're just over your head, Sonny.

CUPID
How could you do that?! That's way not fair!

APHRODITE
All right, I suggest we continue this conversation
when we've both mellowed. I'm outta here.

She gestures and her temples return to the model. She disappears.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

ILEANDRA
Oh, I guess I love Sarpedon because he's the
most caring, loving, sensitive man you ever
want to meet.

Sarpedon enters.

SARPEDON
He's also the luckiest man in the world.

Sarpedon and Ileandra kiss.

GABRIELLE
I guess that's--that's Prince Sarpedon.

JOXER
What's he got that I haven't got?

GABRIELLE
Well, Princess Ileandra for starters and muscles.

JOXER
Okay, okay, okay.

ILEANDRA
Um-m. I'd like you to meet my new friends. This
is Gabrielle and what was your name again?

JOXER
Joxer, for the tenth time.

ILEANDRA
Right. They escorted us safely here.

SARPEDON
I thank you.

ILEANDRA
Yes, thank you for everything.

GABRIELLE
I'm glad we could bring you together.

JOXER
Bye-bye.

GABRIELLE
Don't you just love happy endings?

JOXER
Yeah, but just once, I'd like to have a happy ending.

GABRIELLE
Mmm.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later.

JOXER
Wait a minute. You're saying I fought all of them and won?

GABRIELLE
Yes. Maybe you hit your head and that's why you
can't remember.

JOXER
I don't think so.

GABRIELLE
Mmm.

JOXER
I think it was more like a warrior haze.

GABRIELLE
A warrior haze?

JOXER
Yeah, you know? Okay, enemy's coming at you,
heart's pounding, your muscles are flexing. Then
your mind shuts down and lets your body take over.

GABRIELLE
Right. Well, you seem fine, Joxer. And Ileandra's
with Sarpedon. So I guess all's well that ends well.

Aphrodite appears. Gabrielle walks off, but Joxer joins Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Yoo-hoo! Joxer. Over here. You disappoint me,
Joxer. I thought you'd cruise the hero wave with
the happy couple. You know, make sure they
get home safely.

JOXER
Wait a minute. You mean, Sarpedon and Ileandra
need my help?

APHRODITE
Duh! Oh and one other thing.

Aphrodite rings the bell. Joxer becomes the hero again.

JOXER
Your beauty inspires me to do the manliest of deeds.

He kisses her hand and leaves.

APHRODITE
O-oh! I am so good, but when I'm bad,
I'm better.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

ILEANDRA
I'm so happy to be with you. I never wanna leave.

SARPEDON
Well, why don't we just get married now?

ILEANDRA
Here?

SARPEDON
Sure. The gods are smiling on us. Our friends
are here. Why not?

ILEANDRA
But we need a priest to bless our union.

SARPEDON
Yeah. Would, um-

He parts bush to reveal a priest.

SARPEDON
-that one there do?

ILEANDRA
Oh, Sarpedon, yes.

Sarpedon moves to the priest and Joxer grabs Ileandra.

JOXER
Your eyes speak of desire. Your lips of ecstasy.

SARPEDON
Hi, Joxer.

Joxer backs off.

JOXER
Sarpedon.

He laughs.

SARPEDON
You ready, my beloved?

ILEANDRA
Ecstasy.

SARPEDON
Soon, my darling, soon. Ileandra, I have waited
so long for this moment, I can barely-

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Joxer! Hah! There you are. Sorry.

SARPEDON
Ileandra, my love, I tell you from the depths of my
soul, I love you.

ILEANDRA
I love you. Not you.

She looks at Joxer.

ILEANDRA
Him.

Moves to Joxer who kisses her.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

SARPEDON
Ileandra! What is the meaning of this?!

JOXER
I think it's as obvious as the deep azure which
sparkles in my lady's eyes. Ileandra has made
her choice.

Sarpedon draws his sword.

SARPEDON
How dare you come between us?

Joxer draws his sword.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, cut it out!

JOXER
Gabrielle, a man must do what a man must do.

Joxer and Sarpedon fight.

JOXER
Ah-uh.

SARPEDON
You will not take Ileandra from me.

JOXER
Oh.

They continue to fight.

JOXER
You fight with passion, my friend. I like that. It's
too bad you have no skill.

They continue to fight. Joxer gets the blade on Sarpedon. Sarpedon holds the bell.

SARPEDON
This necklace, is it a gift from you?

JOXER
A trinket, most unworthy of my Ileandra's beauty.

Sarpedon rips off the bell and throws it to Joxer. It rings and he becomes normal Joxer again.

JOXER
Where? Who are the...Gabby?

Sarpedon attacks him.

JOXER
Ow! No! Stop! Wait! What's the problem?!

SARPEDON
You dare to ask me that, after giving Ileandra a
gift of love?

JOXER
Gift? This? Here, take it!

Throws it to him and it rings. Joxer becomes the hero

JOXER
You tangle with the wrong man, my friend.

They fight. Joxer gets Sarpedon's sword. He returns it to him.

JOXER
Go home, gallant warrior, for your only crime is
that you love too well.

Sarpedon takes his sword, returns the bell and leaves.

ILEANDRA
Oh, you set me on fire.

JOXER
I know.

They kiss. Gabrielle shakes her head.

CUPID
That sucks. Well, you've done it, Mom. You've
managed to mess up yet another one of my
perfect matches. How can you call yourself the
Goddess of Love?

APHRODITE
Oh, get a grip, Cupie! Love isn't just about happy
endings. There's also jealous love, and unrequited
love, and tragic love. And when you strip away
all the tinsel, it's really just about hormones,
isn't it? Don't frown, it'll give you lines.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, Joxer and Ileandra walk along. Gabrielle stands between them. Throughout the conversation, Ileandra tries to get to Joxer, but Gabrielle holds her back.

GABRIELLE
No, no, no! No, look! I don't, I don't know what's
going on, whether it's some sort of sickness or
something. But I'm gonna find out. And I'm gonna
take you back to the man that you love.

ILEANDRA
I'm with the man I love. Can't you just leave us
alone? We'll set the world aflame with our passion.

JOXER
Don't fight the heart, Gabrielle. It's a powerful
little muscle.

Ileandra joins Joxer.

ILEANDRA
I want to become one with you.

JOXER
Hmm.

ILEANDRA
Can't we lose your sidekick?

JOXER
Sure.

They walk ahead of her.

GABRIELLE
I think I'm gonna be sick.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
King Linius' castle.

KING LINIUS
And you allowed this man to disarm you
and steal Ileandra?

SARPEDON
He was an excellent swordsman, Father. Perhaps
even better than you.

KING LINIUS
He must be a hired man. Perhaps King Baris
didn't favour your marriage, after all.

SARPEDON
He was fierce and passionate. A man like that
can't be bought.

KING LINIUS
Can you be certain of that? We will attack at dawn.

SARPEDON
No! Ileandra went with him willingly. She has
feelings for this warrior. She's made her choice.
I'm not gonna stand in the way of her happiness.

Sarpedon leaves.

KING LINIUS
Prepare the men!

GUARD
For an attack on Baris' kingdom?

KING LINIUS
No, for an all-out search for the warrior named, Joxer.

GUARD
Yes, sir.

The guards leave.

KING LINIUS
No one humiliates my son and gets away with it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle cuts cheese, once more between Joxer and Ileandra.

GABRIELLE
Now, let's go over this again.

JOXER
I already told you, I know nothing of this bumbling
idiot of whom you speak. I am the one and only Joxer.

ILEANDRA
Isn't he magnificent?

JOXER
Mmm.

GABRIELLE
Ileandra, Joxer, look! Now, it has something to
do with the necklace. Every time it rings, you change.
How about some cold water? This is ridiculous.

Gabrielle moves off.

GABRIELLE
Don't touch her, Joxer.

Gabrielle gets the water and turns to see the two kissing. She sprays them. They continue to kiss.

GABRIELLE
Cut it out!

Gabrielle sprays them again. Joxer shakes his head and slicks back his hair.

ILEANDRA
Come here.

They kiss some more.

GABRIELLE
Guys, stop it!

She breaks them up. As she talks, the two struggle with her between them to get together.

GABRIELLE
I've had enough of, oh! It's gonna be a long night.
Oh, this is so sick!

All three fall over, wrapped up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morning.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer and Ileandra are asleep. Gabrielle plays with a stick.

GABRIELLE
(singing quietly) He never needs a place to hide
With Gabby as his sidekick.

EXTRA (voice-over)
Sire, we'll find him!

Gabrielle wakes up Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Sounds like a small army.

ILEANDRA
It's probably King Linius. He'll be furious I canceled
my wedding with Sarpedon.

JOXER
Don't be afraid, my love.

GABRIELLE
Ileandra's right. They're looking for someone.
Now, come on, maybe we can find another way
out of here.

JOXER
You're not suggesting we run, are you?

GABRIELLE
Have you got a better idea?

JOXER
Hmm. We stand and fight.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, I don't think that's wise.

JOXER
Whatever happens, our love will never die.

Joxer leaves.

GABRIELLE
No, but he might.

Ileandra and Gabrielle follow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer walks over a small hill and faces the warriors.

KING LINIUS
Hold up!

JOXER
Look no further. I am Joxer.

KING LINIUS
Stay together! He's a dangerous man. Forward!

The army moves in on Joxer.

JOXER
Come!

He draws his sword.

JOXER
Your destiny lies at the point of my sword.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ileandra and Gabrielle run up. The bell rings. Joxer returns to normal.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, what are you doing? Don't be a fool.

JOXER
Oh, sold...oh, oh.

He faints.

GABRIELLE
Uh-oh.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

They are surrounded.

KING LINIUS
Take them back to Amphis. They're to be executed
for threatening the peace.

ILEANDRA
Wait! They're my friends.

KING LINIUS
You're lucky I don't sentence you to the same
fate, you harlot! Take them!

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

EXTRA
Move!

EXTRA
Up you go!

They pick up the unconscious Joxer and drag him.

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
King Linius and Ileandra ride along.

ILEANDRA
It was all a mistake.

KING LINIUS
Yes and the mistake was yours. You toyed with
my son's heart when all the while, you loved another.

ILEANDRA
Please, King Linius, let me try to explain.

KING LINIUS
Don't bother! You obviously chose that rake-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a prison, Joxer is chained to a pole. King Linius is heard.

KING LINIUS
-Joxer over Sarpedon. I won't let my son be
humiliated this way!

JOXER
Wow, did you hear that? Ileandra's really in love
with me. She chose me over Sarpedon.

Gabrielle is pulling at the wooden planks making the wall.

GABRIELLE
No, Joxer. She chose the other one, the other
Joxer. The one who just stupidly beat Sarpedon
in battle and then romanced Ileandra from
under his nose.

JOXER
Wow, I really did that. No wonder they put me in
these chains. There's no telling what I might do!
Wow, this warrior haze is really great. I'm gonna
put myself under again.

He closes his eyes.

GABRIELLE
Knock it off!

She hits him.

JOXER
Ooh! Oww!

GABRIELLE
You can't control it, Joxer. You're under some
sort of hypnotic spell, or something. Any bell
ringing transforms you. Not just the necklace.
Where did you get it?

JOXER
I don't remember.

GABRIELLE
Well, think about it. Did anything unusual happen
to you that morning?

JOXER
Uhhh, I woke up and I ate breakfast.

GABRIELLE
After that?

JOXER
Um, um, yeah, I, ah, found you, um, guarded
your rear, met Aphrodite, had a pomegranate - it
had a lot of seeds. I don't like the kind with-

GABRIELLE
Wait a minute. Did you say you met Aphrodite?

JOXER
Yeah, she was hot, too.

GABRIELLE
Well, she must want to break up Ileandra and
Sarpedon. And she's using you to do it. I'm
gonna find her.

JOXER
Hey! I know what you're gonna do. You're gonna
find a bell to ring, so I can get out of these chains,
aren't you?

GABRIELLE
Hah. No, no, no. No, you're becoming a super-sexy
warrior is what got us into this mess.

JOXER
I'm disappointed in you, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
What?

JOXER
I think you're jealous. I can understand that. I
mean, you wanna be the hero so bad, you can't
stand the thought of me saving the day.

Gabrielle makes a hole in the wall.

JOXER
Gabrielle, there's nothing wrong with being a sidekick.

GABRIELLE
Glad you like it, Joxer. You'll make a great sidekick.
Just hang in there and keep the faith.

Gabrielle leaves.

JOXER
I'm not a sidekick. I'm a hero!
(singing) Joxer the Mighty
Roams through the countryside,
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick,
Fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mighty all day long.
He's Joxer, he's Joxer the Mighty.
Oh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the prison.

JOXER (voice-over)
(singing) He's Joxer the Mighty,
He's really tidy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Village.

JOXER (voice-over)
(singing) Everybody likes him,
'Cause he has a funny grin.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle.

JOXER (voice-over)
(singing) Joxer! He's Joxer the Mighty!

King Baris paces. There's a knock at the door.

KING BARIS
Enter!

Messenger enters and bows.

KING BARIS
Do you have word of Ileandra?

MESSENGER
Yes, King Baris. The Princess has been taken
to Amphis by King Linius and his personal guard.

KING BARIS
His guard? Why did he need soldiers? And where
is Sarpedon? Prepare my horse! I'm going to
Amphis to get my daughter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite's temple.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite? Aphrodite. I'd--I'd like to talk to you.
If you can hear me-

Gabrielle knocks over a vase. Aphrodite appears and catches it.

APHRODITE
Could you be any more clumsy?! This is like a
brand-new antique.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Mmm. You're that goody-two-shoes that hangs
around my boy, Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Gabrielle.

APHRODITE
Mmm.

GABRIELLE
Ah, Joxer is the reason that I'm here. Look, you
have got to take the spell off of him and everybody else.

APHRODITE
Why should I do that?

GABRIELLE
Now, I'm sure there's a reason why you're doing
this. But it can't be worth breaking up Ileandra
and Sarpedon. They're in love. That is what matters
to you most, isn't it?

APHRODITE
Ah, gosh, she sounds like you, Cupid.

Cupid appears.

GABRIELLE
Cupid, can you talk her out of this?

CUPID
What's your name, little girl?

GABRIELLE
Gabrielle.

CUPID
Gabrielle. Well, Gabrielle, when the Goddess
of Love decides to do something petty and spiteful,
she can be a tad difficult to reason with.

GABRIELLE
So you're going to let an innocent man die?

APHRODITE
Oh, come on! No one's really innocent. Well,
maybe you. Besides, I can't break the spell. If
I did, everyone would think I was pressured into
it by some mortal. My goddess stock would plummet.

GABRIELLE
But-

APHRODITE
I gotta bail. Bodacious waves at Naxos. Later.

Aphrodite walks out.

GABRIELLE
If I can get her to break the spell, can you set
everything straight again?

CUPID
Sure, but there isn't anything you can do about it.

GABRIELLE
Oh, no. Get those arrows of yours ready.

Gabrielle leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is lead into the square.

JOXER
Hey, where're you taking me?!

EXTRA
Joxer?

SARPEDON
How could you do this to me, Joxer?

JOXER
What?!

SARPEDON
How could you steal the only woman I have ever loved?

JOXER
I didn't mean to.

SARPEDON
Yeah, sure. That's what all you great warriors
say, but you always have to end up with the most
beautiful women, don't you? Tell me, Joxer, what's
your secret?

JOXER
Well, I try to eat right, exercise, although, uh, I do
get a little constipated sometimes, you know?

KING LINIUS
Having found the accused guilty of threatening
the peace, I hereby sentence him to public execution.
Punishment to be carried out forthwith.

JOXER
Oh, ah, ah, listen. Why don't we talk about this?
I um, we could have lunch. There's a great place
right near Akhmar the meat man. Gabrielle, where
are you?!

Joxer is tied to a block.

ILEANDRA
Sarpedon, please stop this insanity. I don't love
Joxer. I never did. I love you and only you.

SARPEDON
You would say anything to save Joxer's life right
now. I have seen you with him, Ileandra. I know
you love him.

ILEANDRA
No, it was all a mistake.

JOXER
Wait, wait! I have a last request. I'd, um, love to
hear to the sound of a bell ringing. Call me
sentimental, but, ah-

KING LINIUS
Denied!

JOXER
What a gip, no last request. I'm gonna notify the
Executioners' Guild!

KING LINIUS
Off with his head!

Gabrielle runs in.

GABRIELLE
Excuse me.

The ax is raised.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

JOXER
Wait! I regret that I have but one life to give for...for
whatever it is I'm giving it for!

His head is pushed back on the block.

JOXER
O-o-oh!

Gabrielle picks up a rock and aims it at a bell, but a man puts a cart in front. She aims at another, but a man moves in the way with his young boy on his shoulders. Gabrielle spits in her hands. The ax is raised. Gabrielle throws the rocks like the chakram and it hits a bell. Joxer becomes the hero, and puts his hands on the block. His bonds are cut.

JOXER
Hah! You've gotta work on your aim, my friend.

Joxer knocks out the executioner.

JOXER
Perhaps you used the wrong end. Hah-hah!

Joxer flips and battles the soldiers. Joxer takes a veil out of Aria's cleavage and smells it.

JOXER
For inspiration.

Joxer continues to battle. Aphrodite's soldier attacks Ileandra. Gabrielle taps his back with her staff.

GABRIELLE
Excuse me. Hello.

Gabrielle hits him and Sarpedon knocks him out.

SARPEDON
I'm sorry. My love, for you is still as strong. I would
gladly die for you.

ILEANDRA
Oh, you're so noble. But, would you mind moving?
I really must watch him fight.

JOXER
Take this!

Joxer battles. He takes a drink.

JOXER
Enough of this play.

He fights the soldier.

KING BARIS
Are you all right? What-

King Baris stands in Ileandra's way, but she moves to see Joxer.

SARPEDON
Don't even bother.

Joxer finishes fighting the soldiers. King Linius enters.

JOXER
Well, King Linius, what an honour it is to meet
a man known as the greatest swordsman in the
kingdom. I do hope that reputation is not unwarranted.

They battle.

KING LINIUS
You've met your match.

JOXER
You're right. You're able to parry anything I throw
at you...with my left hand.

He switches hands.

JOXER
But I'm right-handed, you see.

Joxer fights King Linius. Soldiers fight him too.

JOXER
Well, this makes it interesting.

Joxer fights them all. He flips out of the way and lands next to Gabrielle.

JOXER
Missed me! Hah-hah!

GABRIELLE
Take the fight into the temple!

Joxer leans Gabrielle over and kisses her. She wears a big grin.

JOXER
As you wish.

Gabrielle is love struck.

GABRIELLE
Ah. Ah!

She slaps her face.

GABRIELLE
That was scary.

Joxer battles King Linius.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite's temple. Joxer fights King Linius and the soldier.

APHRODITE
Exsqueeze me! There's no fighting in my temple!

Gabrielle enters. The fighters knock over a statue and break it.

APHRODITE
That was a statue of me!

GABRIELLE
Not anymore. You can end this.

APHRODITE
The only way to end it is to take the spell off Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Well?

APHRODITE
Dream on.

The men keep fighting, breaking more stuff.

JOXER
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

They break a vase.

APHRODITE
Not my vase from Thrace!

GABRIELLE
Take off the spell.

They battle. More stuff breaks.

GABRIELLE
Take off the spell. You're the Goddess of Love.
Love is soft and gentle. It's not violent and cruel.

APHRODITE
You don't know much about love, do you?

GABRIELLE
I know it's not war. Now, look what they're doing
to your temple.

APHRODITE
All the more reason I don't wanna lose my other temples.

GABRIELLE
If you don't stop this, I'll take Joxer on a tour of all
your temples.

Another vase breaks. Joxer swings on a bell and is turned back to normal, and then the hero and so on.

JOXER
Ha-ha! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ha-ha! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He knocks over another vase.

APHRODITE
All right, I give.

Joxer is cut down.

APHRODITE
He's the idiot full time, again.

JOXER
Where am I?

The bell comes down, but Joxer rolls out of the way. He faints.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ileandra and Sarpedon enter, now married.

ILEANDRA
Gabrielle, thank you for everything.

SARPEDON
You're a real hero.

GABRIELLE
I'm just an over-achieving sidekick. Remember,
that love is about trust and giving. It's not about
anger and jealousy.

APHRODITE
She really doesn't get it, does she?

CUPID
Maybe, she gets it better than any of us.

They disappear. Joxer enters blowing his nose.

JOXER
Hey, where'd this come from? I'm sorry, is this yours?

Aria takes it back.

ARIA
Euh.

She leaves.

SARPEDON
Goodbye.

GABRIELLE
Congratulations.

Sarpedon and Ileandra leave.

JOXER
Are they afraid of me?

GABRIELLE
They are.

JOXER
Oh. No, they're not. They're disgusted with me.

GABRIELLE
Oh.

JOXER
You know, now I know what it's like to be admired
by beautiful women and brave men. Now that
things are back to normal, I know what I am. I'm
a big phoney.

GABRIELLE
That's not true.

JOXER
Stop it, Gabrielle. You're the hero here, even I
know that. I don't even rate sidekick. Go on back
to Xena. I don't know why I'm hanging out with
you guys. I don't know why I convinced myself
I ever could.

Joxer leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer sits on a rock, back in his normal clothes. Xena enters with Argo.

XENA
Hi, Joxer.

JOXER
Hi, Xena. Come to get a laugh at my expense?
I can't blame you if you did. That's all I'm good for.

XENA
Gabrielle told me all about what happened. You
did some very brave things.

JOXER
Yeah, but that wasn't me.

XENA
That's where you're wrong.

JOXER
What do you mean?

XENA
The gods can't give us anything that isn't in our
hearts. Aphrodite just used what was already there.
The real Joxer may not be the best swordsman
around, but he's always had the heart of a lion.

JOXER
You're just saying that to make me feel better.

XENA
You calling me a liar?

He pauses.

JOXER
No.

XENA
Well, then, like I said.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena joins Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
How'd it go?

XENA
I cheered him up.

GABRIELLE
Good. I hated to see him so sad. You know, now
that he knows the truth, I guess he'll never be as
deluded as he used to be. Huh!

Joxer runs in.

JOXER
Joxer the lion-hearted is ready for action!

GABRIELLE
Maybe not.

JOXER
(singing) Joxer the Mighty;
He's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome, it's a sin.

JOXER and CHORUS (voice-over)
(singing) If you're in jeopardy,
Don't call the cavalry.
There's a better remedy.
Although he doesn't work for free!
He's every man's trustee;
He's every woman's fantasy.
Plus, he's good with company.
It's Joxer-

JOXER
I'm Joxer the Mighty! Hah-hah!

END OF ACT FOUR



CLOSING CREDITS

JOXER (voice-over)
Blood, valour and victory! Hah-hah!

CHORUS (voice-over)
(singing) Joxer the Mighty;
He's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome, it's a sin.
When things get grim,
He'll take it on the chin.
If you're in jeopardy,
Caused by the enemy,
Don't call the cavalary.
There's a better remedy.
Although he doesn't work for free.
He's every man's trustee;
He's every woman's fantasy.
Plus he's good with company.
Look out! He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty.
Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Karl Urban as Cupid
Craig Parker as Sarpedon
Mandie Gillette as Ileandra
Craig Walsh-Wrightson as King Lynaeus
Ross Jolly as King Barus
Rachale Davies as Aria
Tai Hadfield as Guard
Mark Jones as Messenger

Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: The producers wish to acknowledge the inspiration of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the classic motion picture "Court Jester".