Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis


TEASER

Landscape.

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Beach.

GABRIELLE
Mmm, feel the sun on our face, smell the air.
You know if Salmoneus had to send for us, he
could have picked a worse place than this to meet.

XENA
Yeah, it's nice. It wasn't always like this. See
that wreck up on the rocks?

GABRIELLE
It looks like the remains of a warship.

XENA
One of dozens that attacked this beach in a battle
so bloody, the sand was soaked red.

GABRIELLE
Thanks for sharing. When was it?

XENA
Uh, it's been almost a year, now, since the peace
was signed.

GABRIELLE
Ah, that's plenty of time for things to return to
being safe and normal.

Gabrielle trips and falls.

XENA
Are you all right?

GABRIELLE
Uh, yeah, I think so.

She looks at a rut.

GABRIELLE
Where did this come from?

XENA
The same place as that one.

GABRIELLE
They're so deep. Hey, look! Hah! Clams! Oh, yeah.
There's lots of 'em, too. I know what I'm
having for dinner. What do you think made these ruts?

XENA
Only one thing I know makes tracks that deep.
A fully-armed war wagon.

GABRIELLE
A war wagon? What would it be doing
here? I thought you said it was peaceful.

They turn at the sound of screaming. The contestants run, chased by soldiers.

EXTRA
Come back, girls!

EXTRA
How 'bout a little kiss?

EXTRA
What's your hurry?

EXTRA
Grab her!

Xena throws clams at the men. They run off and Salmoneus enters.

SALMONEUS
Hey, get away from those girls! And stay away!

EXTRA
It's ruined!

EXTRA
My hair!

SALMONEUS
Is everybody okay?

EXTRA
Yes.

SALMONEUS
'Cause frankly I was worried. These costumes
were not designed to take this kind of abuse.

MISS PARNASSUS
Costumes? Just wait 'til I tell my sponsor.

SALMONEUS
Don't forget to tell him who saved you, a man of
surprising courage, deceptive strength and ingenious
skill; and is not above accepting financial remuneration!

EXTRA
Thanks for nothing!

The contestants leave and Xena and Gabrielle join Salmoneus.

XENA
Hm-hmm.

SALMONEUS
Xena! I was just talking about you, sort of.

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Later.

XENA
Beauty contest? You sent urgent word for us
to come and see some underdressed, over-developed
bimbos in a beauty contest?

SALMONEUS
Pageant, it's called a pageant.

GABRIELLE
Contest, pageant. It's a feeble excuse for men
to exploit and degrade women.

SALMONEUS
Wrong as usual, Miss Sunshine. Since when
do we ever need an excuse?

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

SALMONEUS
Besides, it's more like combat than contest. And
it had such potential when Lord Claron proposed
it as a way to celebrate a year of peace! Merchandising,
local franchises, off-runway betting-

XENA
Wake me when you get to the urgent part.

SALMONEUS
Hah? Remember the leaders who, ah, wrote
that treaty here about a year ago?

XENA
The Doge of Messini, the Regent of Skiros, and
the Palatine of Parnassus?

SALMONEUS
Well spoken. See, they each entered their girlfriends
in the pageant, and since then, we've had nothing
but trouble. Wrecked costumes, ripped props,
and now this business on the beach!

XENA
Sounds like someone's trying to wage a war
by proxy.

GABRIELLE
That would explain all the war wagon tracks.

SALMONEUS
And that's why I sent urgent word. If you don't
help to keep things on the level, each leader is
going blame the other, and soon, we're all
buying headstones.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, probably from you. Now, why don't you
just cancel the pageant?

SALMONEUS
Lord Claron's tried that! Each of these guys is
so invested in winning, nobody wants to quit first!
The way I see it, what we need, see, is a contestant
to keep an eye on things from the inside.

He winks at Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Oh, no, no, no. Don't even look at me. Now you
know how I feel about these women being victimized
by meat markets.

XENA
She's right. But war makes everyone a victim so-

She turns to face them.

XENA
-meet Miss Amphipolis.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Beach.

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Castle.

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Inside. Xena wears a cloak which hides her outfit and her hair. Contestants move about.

SALMONEUS
Now, remember, if anybody asks, you're Miss
Amphipolis, and you're her sponsor, the
Marquesa. Huh!

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
What about the contest itself?

SALMONEUS
Here's the deal. Each girl competes in three
events to win. Miss one event, whatever the
reason, you're out of the pageant. You can't get
back in. One miss, you're gone. Understand?

Salmoneus and Gabrielle leave. Xena and Miss Artiphys exchange glances. Xena moves on and bumps into Miss Skiros.

XENA
Excuse me.

MISS SKIROS
Watch it, clod, or, can't you see from up there?

Miss Skiros leaves.

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Salmoneus sticks his head in Miss Messini's room.

SALMONEUS
Excuse, me. Miss Messini? Sorry to interrupt.
I want to introduce you to our newest contestant,
Miss Amphipolis-

Xena and Gabrielle enter.

SALMONEUS
-and her sponsor, the Marquesa. Ladies, this
is Miss Messini, sponsored by the Doge of Messini.

MISS MESSINI
Hello.

Gabrielle has an accent whenever she is Marquesa.

GABRIELLE
It's good to meet you. Oh, don't let us keep you
from your...

Xena looks at Miss Messini's harp to see a trigger. She looks up to see a crossbow. Miss Messini starts to play and the arrow fires. Xena throws her chakram, breaks the arrow and then tosses the chakram to Salmoneus.

MISS MESSINI
You saved my life. Did you see that? He saved my life.

SALMONEUS
Yes.

Miss Messini hugs him.

SALMONEUS
Yes, I did, yes. It was nothing.

MISS MESSINI
"Nothing"? I wouldn't call that arrow nothing. And
I don't think my sponsor will either, once he finds
out about it.

Miss Messini kisses Salmoneus and he laughs. Miss Messini leaves.

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Xena's room. Xena takes her chakram back.

SALMONEUS
Hah! Talk about a close call. If Miss Messini had
been skewered, the Doge of Messini would've
blamed the other two. I would've lost both the
peace and my shirt in one fell swoop.

GABRIELLE
Your concern is so touching. Look as long as
we can keep the contest fair, while we find out
who's doing this, we'll be fine.

XENA
Okay, Salmoneus, you find me a disguise, while
you get to know the other sponsors.

GABRIELLE
Got it.

XENA
We'll meet back here after the first event.

Salmoneus and Gabrielle leave. Pageant Matron enters, and Xena hides behind the screen.

PAGEANT MATRON
Matron of the pageant, coming in. Oh, there's no
time for modesty. I've got ten more of you wanna-bes
to see before-

Xena steps out, wearing a white robe and a towel on her head.

PAGEANT MATRON
Here, what's this?

XENA
What?

PAGEANT MATRON
Aren't you? Yes, I'm sure you are.

XENA
What?

PAGEANT MATRON
You're wearing the robe inside-out.

XENA
Oh.

PAGEANT MATRON
Oh, why the gods waste beauty on girls like you,
I'll never know. If I had half your looks, I'd rule
the world.

XENA
Look, I'm sorry about the robe, I was just so
totally thrilled to be here, that-

PAGEANT MATRON
Oh, save it for the judges, I'm on a schedule.

She leaves.

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Elsewhere.

DOGE OF MESSINI
That arrow nearly killed her! And why? 'Cause
one of you wants to stop me from winning, that's
why. It's an insult!

LORD CLARON
Please, we don't know for a fact that anything-

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
What about me?! My girl was assaulted on the
beach by thugs one of you hired to try and stop
me from winning! It's a slur on my honour.

LORD CLARON
As I said, nothing's been proven about anyone.
So I-

REGENT OF SKIROS
Will you listen to yourselves? Hissing and moaning,
when it's clear my girl is gonna win this one.

Doge of Messini, Regent of Skiros and Palatine of Parnassus argue among themselves. Gabrielle clears her throat. They stop and turn to face her.

GABRIELLE
Is this a private bash, or can any sponsor join?

LORD CLARON
You're a sponsor?

GABRIELLE
That's right. I am called the Marquesa. And from
what I just hear, I am a lot better sponsor than
any of you. Your contestant is nearly killed, and
it's you who's insulted. Get a life! And yours is
attacked, but it's your disgrace? Give me a break.
And I suppose if yours gets hurt, it'd be about you,
too. Well, all I can say to you three is, hmmm!
Clear the runway, 'cause my contestant is going
to wipe the floor with all of you.

DOGE OF MESSINI
And just who is your contestant?

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Baths.

MISS PARNASSUS
Her name's Miss Amphipolis.

MISS SKIROS
Oh, her being sponsored by a woman.

MISS MESSINI
I'll say. You wouldn't think a woman would put
you through all this, just to win some silly contest.

MISS PARNASSUS
I just keep focused on the extra food my village
will get if I win. The Palatine promised.

MISS SKIROS
Well, nobody twisted my arm to be here. I'm
gonna use this thing to get as far away from
here as possible. And all I can say is Miss Amphipolis
better not get in my way.

Xena enters, wearing a towel on her head and around her chest.

XENA
Thanks for the warning. I'll have to keep that in mind.

MISS SKIROS
Do that.

MISS PARNASSUS
I gotta go. Too much steam might turn all pruney.

MISS MESSINI
Yeah, me too. Besides, it's nearly time for the first event.

The others leave.

XENA
Sounds like this pageant means a lot to you, huh?

MISS SKIROS
No, but winning it does. And you can bet I'll do
whatever it takes.

Miss Skiros turns and Xena sees a scar on her back from whips. Miss Skiros hides it and leaves.

XENA
Was it something I said? Hmm.

Xena moves to the door, but it's locked. She looks around the room and sees a small shaft. She takes off her towel, whips it and it grabs the handle of the shaft which she opens.

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The door knocks. Gabrielle runs to the door.

GABRIELLE
Xena. It's about time, keeping us all waiting!

It's Salmoneus at the door.

GABRIELLE
Where is she?

SALMONEUS
She's not back?

GABRIELLE
No!

SALMONEUS
Ha-ha. You know if she misses this, she's out
of the pageant. No ifs, ands or buts. Gone, finito-

He whistles.

SALMONEUS
Out!

GABRIELLE
I know that. So do those warlords. You should've
seen the way they acted, like, this--this contest
was all about them and how great they are. And
I'm telling you, they'll do anything to win.

SALMONEUS
That's unusually perceptive of you. The question
is which one is it?

GABRIELLE
I wish I knew.

SALMONEUS
I wish I could stay. But I've got a show to emcee.
If Xena gets back, get her dressed and down to
the stage fast. If she doesn't stay in to keep this
thing on the level, we're all goners, bye-bye!

Salmoneus leaves.

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The runway. Miss Artiphys moves down the runway.

SALMONEUS
Come on everybody! Give it up for Miss Artiphys,
huh? Come on, a big hand for Miss Artiphys,
come on! Let's hear it for all our contestants! Yes!

Salmoneus scans the crowd to see Gabrielle who gives him the thumbs up.

SALMONEUS
And now, it gives me great pleasure to present
to you our last contestant, Miss Amphipolis!

Xena enters in a golden dress and a blonde wig. The audience cheers.

EXTRA
Yeah!

Salmoneus looks at Xena and almost drops the podium.

SALMONEUS
Huh?

EXTRA
Whoo!

EXTRA
Whoo-hoo!

Xena blows kisses.

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Someone sneaks into Xena's room and moves over to the chest. They open it to find Xena's weapons and armour.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

The person takes Xena's armour.

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Xena spins on the runway. She leaves to a roaring crowd and Salmoneus follows behind her. Gabrielle leaves her seat.

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Off-stage.

SALMONEUS
Xena? Is that really you?

He holds her waist and she holds his neck.

SALMONEUS
Brilliant disguise.

Xena lets him go.

XENA
Sorry.

SALMONEUS
What happened? You were almost disqualified.

Gabrielle enters.

XENA
Which is exactly what somebody wanted.

GABRIELLE
Did she tell you that she was locked in the
steam room?

SALMONEUS
Someone tried to sauté you?

XENA
Yes and I think I know who.

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Miss Artiphys looks at the floor in the bath room.

XENA
Looking for this?

Xena holds out Miss Artiphys' other earring. She moves away but Xena garbs her and pulls off her wig to reveal a man.

XENA
Now, I want some straight answers.

MISS ARTIPHYS
Have you got the wrong girl! Okay, okay, I was
just kidding. Where's your sense of humour?

XENA
Gee, I guess I must have sweated it out. Is that
your idea of funny, too?

MISS ARTIPHYS
I was just trying to scare you.

XENA
Why'd you want to scare me?

MISS ARTIPHYS
Because I knew you knew. You know, about me.
And I didn't want you to tell anyone. But when I came
back to unlock the door, you had already gone.

XENA
What made you think I'd tell?

MISS ARTIPHYS
You really don't get it, do you? I guess being born
a woman, you wouldn't. This is a chance to use
a part of me most people usually laugh at or worse.
The part I usually have to hide. Only here that
part works for me, you see?

XENA
I think so.

MISS ARTIPHYS
Look, I don't expect you to understand and I'm
sorry I got you steamed. I just hope you let me
quit the pageant in private instead of going public
with it.

XENA
No way. May the best person win.

Xena gives Miss Artiphys her earring and leaves.

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Elsewhere.

LORD CLARON
What else can I do? We've always been neutral,
even during the war. That's why there's no army
to call out, just some reserves, and I'm using
all I've got.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Then you'd better draft more, or I'll be forced to
bring in my own men.

REGENT OF SKIROS
If he brings in his men, so do I.

DOGE OF MESSINI
And I.

GABRIELLE
Will you listen to yourselves. Now, how do you
think the contestants feel under all this pressure?

REGENT OF SKIROS
Who cares? As long as mine wins.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
I told mine, I don't care if she wins, I just don't
want her to lose.

GABRIELLE
Very understanding.

DOGE OF MESSINI
Why, what'd you tell yours?

GABRIELLE
I do not tell her anything. We are a team. I ask.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Yeah, right! One more incident, I'm bringing in
my troops.

He leaves.

REGENT OF SKIROS
That makes two of us.

He leaves.

LORD CLARON
I'll send out a call for more volunteers.

He leaves.

DOGE OF MESSINI
Marquesa.

GABRIELLE
Yes?

DOGE OF MESSINI
That asking stuff, that works for you?

GABRIELLE
Every time.

Gabrielle leaves.

DOGE OF MESSINI
Hmm.

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Xena's room. Gabrielle straightens out Xena's outfit.

GABRIELLE
Remember, a beauty pageant is like a war. To
win, you've gotta be fired with the heat of competition!
The power! The passion! The desire to win.

XENA
Gabrielle, we're not here to win. We're here to
stop a war.

GABRIELLE
Yeah sure, but there's no harm in winning, right?

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Runway.

SALMONEUS
Follow your moves, keep it warm and whatever
happens, try to stay upright. Okay, let's hit it!
A-one, two, three.

As Salmoneus sings, the contestants dance, but they hit each other, push, shove and so on.

SALMONEUS
(singing) Like soft gentle winds that will blow through your hair;
Like fire that warms you when no one else cares;
Like flowers that bloom from the Earth in the spring;
A woman's a natural thing.

EXTRA
Ow! Watch it!

SALMONEUS
(singing) Like flora and fauna that brighten your day;

EXTRA
Ow! Get away!

SALMONEUS
(singing) Like water we drink, and the sea where we play;

EXTRA
Watch what you're stepping on!

SALMONEUS
(singing) Like dragonflies riding the-

EXTRA
Stop it!

SALMONEUS
(singing) -air on their wings;
A woman's a natural thing.
So give thanks and give praise
To the gods for their bounty.
And thanks to Athena
From city and county.
But most of all honour the goddess-

EXTRA
Hey!

SALMONEUS
(singing) -Demeter,

EXTRA
Ow!

SALMONEUS
(singing) With flowers and songs and with crops that will feed her.
To her we will lift up our cups as we say
A woman's a-

EXTRA
Ow!

SALMONEUS
(singing) -natural thing.

He stops singing.

SALMONEUS
Yeah!

Salmoneus looks back at the contestants.

SALMONEUS
Okay, take five. I'll work with you slowly in small groups.

Xena steps down from the runway.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
You move very well.

XENA
Thanks.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
You look familiar. Have we met before?

XENA
I'm sure I would've remembered.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself. I'm
the Palatine of Parnassus.

XENA
Miss Amphipolis.

Palatine of Parnassus starts to kiss her hand, but she grabs his neck.

XENA
You keep your greasy lips off my arm and apologize.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
I'm sorry.

XENA
Not to me, to her.

Xena gestures with her head to Miss Parnassus. He nods and Xena lets him go.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
We're not done, you and me. Not by a long shot.

He leaves with Miss Parnassus.

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Later.

SALMONEUS
Next, we have Miss Miss Skiros. As cool as the
marble her country is known for, Miss Miss Skiros'
hobbies include music, exotic dancing, and
sacrificing to the gods. Her favourite deity, Aphrodite!
Let's hear it for Miss Miss Skiros, everybody. Next
up, we have Miss Amphipolis. A country girl at
heart, she enjoys the simple things in life, weaving
tapestries, making candles, and doing volunteer
work with her local Hestian virgins. Put 'em
together for the phenomenal Miss Amphipolis.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Wait! That woman! She's not a contestant! That's
Xena, Warrior Princess!

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Stage.

DOGE OF MESSINI
She's a hired mercenary!

REGENT OF SKIROS
It's a breech of the peace!

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
This means war! Arrest her! Arrest the Warrior Princess!

EXTRA
Right. Take her away.

It's actually Miss Artiphys in Xena's armour.

MISS ARTIPHYS
Honey, I'm no princess, I'm a Queen.

Gabrielle raises her eyebrows.

SALMONEUS
Actually, folks, this lanky beauty is our last contestant,
Miss Artiphys, whose hobbies include archery,
horse-breeding, and knowing the complete score
to every musical ever written. Put 'em together
for Miss Artiphys, everybody.

Salmoneus is handed a scroll.

SALMONEUS
Thank you. People, people, please, please. I
have the preliminary decision right here. Ladies,
when I read out your names, will you please step
forward. Here they are. The five semi-finalists
for the crown of Miss Known World. Miss Messini.

DOGE OF MESSINI
Yeah!

SALMONEUS
Miss Skiros. Miss Parnassus.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Yeah!

SALMONEUS
Miss Artiphys. And last, but not least, Miss Amphipolis.

GABRIELLE
Yes! Brilliant! You go girl! Miss A all the way!

SALMONEUS
There they are; the five semifinalists for the title
of Miss Known World! Yes! Yes, come on, yes!

EXTRA
I'm happy for you.

XENA
(to Miss Artiphys) How did you...why?

MISS ARTIPHYS
I guess we both got our secrets. Thanks for
keeping mine.

Miss Artiphys leaves and Gabrielle hugs Xena.

SALMONEUS
Now, don't forget to come back for our final round.
The talent competition.

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Xena's room.

GABRIELLE
I don't understand why you won't sing. You
would be a shoe-in if you did.

XENA
Gabrielle, I've told you before, I sing when I'm
moved, when there's something behind it. It's
not about performance.

GABRIELLE
As a bard and a fellow creative artist, I can understand
that. Which, just leaves us one question, "What
can you do?"

XENA
I don't know. Finding out who's sabotaging things
would be a great start. Next time they strike,
someone could get killed.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, you. Whoever is doing this wants to get
to those warlord beauties. And how better to do
it, than to just, you know, you!

XENA
You just gave me a great idea.

GABRIELLE
About how to catch whoever's doing this?

XENA
No, about what to do for my talent.

Pageant Matron enters.

PAGEANT MATRON
What are you doing here? That is, I thought you'd
be rehearsing for the talent event. (to Gabrielle)
And aren't you supposed to be at the meeting?

GABRIELLE
What meeting?

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Elsewhere.

MISS PARNASSUS
I was made to look like a fool!

DOGE OF MESSINI
A fairly simple task.

REGENT OF SKIROS
Oh! You should talk.

LORD CLARON
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, this is not solving
the problem.

GABRIELLE
He is right. This stunt Miss Artiphys pulled only
show how on edge things are. It was a joke, for
Zeus' sake. It is nothing to call the troops in for.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Maybe not but, what about everything else our
girls have been through? At least, most of
our girls.

REGENT OF SKIROS
Can I help it if mine's lucky.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
I'm beginning to think maybe you can.

DOGE OF MESSINI
Yeah, funny how nothing's happened to your
contestant...yet.

REGENT OF SKIROS
She gets so much as a hang-nail I won't wait
for the judges. I'll make my own declaration and
it'll be war.

He leaves.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Well, that goes double for me.

He leaves.

LORD CLARON
I'm gonna go and beef up stage security.

He leaves.

GABRIELLE
Look what you do!

DOGE OF MESSINI
Me?

GABRIELLE
Yes, threatening Miss Skiros like this. What is it
with you three? Always threats, ultimatums. You
are here to celebrate the peace and work together.
Now, just shut up and do it!

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Xena's room.

GABRIELLE
This is sabotage!

XENA
Gabrielle, it's just a bad dress.

GABRIELLE
Bad dress. Xena, chiffon is bad, chartreuse is
bad, but this is a disaster. You will be eliminated
halfway down the catwalk.

XENA
Calm down! Look, if it really bothers you, I'll fix it.

Xena takes her dagger and cuts away pieces of the dress.

GABRIELLE
It's getting better.

Xena keeps cutting. Pageant Matron enters.

PAGEANT MATRON
You're pretty good with a knife. For a contestant,
that is.

XENA
Well, I have many skills.

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Xena practices with swords on a cliff.

XENA
Well, it's not Sophocles, but it'll have to do.

Xena hears crying. She moves to find Messini at her harp.

XENA
Miss Messini? What happened?

MISS MESSINI
Nothing, I'm fine. Really, just a little something
in my eye. That's all.

XENA
Oh, I guess we're all kind of keyed up, you know?
Wondering about who's gonna win the pageant
and all, huh?

MISS MESSINI
No, I think it's a crock.

XENA
You do?

MISS MESSINI
We all do except for you. But then, you're not
from around here. You can't know how stupid
something like this seems, when you've been
through a war where it was a fight just to survive.

XENA
Well, if that's how you all feel, then why are
you here?

MISS MESSINI
Different reasons. Miss Parnassus made a deal.
If she wins, the Palatine will give her village extra
food for this coming winter. Or Miss Skiros. The
war was so terrible and the memories. She wants
to get away, so she's using this pageant to do it.

XENA
And you? Why'd you enter?

MISS MESSINI
I didn't. My boyf...my sponsor entered me. I guess
I could've said no, but it just seemed to mean
so much to him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

XENA
What about your feelings? Don't they count?

MISS MESSINI
They never have before. I mean, he loves me,
but he's so hung up on the way I look, you know?
That it's hard for him to see past that to the person
underneath. But, then I guess a lot of people
make that mistake, don't you?

XENA
I know they do, but you can change that. Tell him
how you feel. You're entitled.

MISS MESSINI
You think so?

XENA
I know so. So should you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runway. Someone cuts the beam above.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sun.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Skiros looks into the keyhole of Xena's room. Xena comes up behind her.

XENA
What am I doing in there?

MISS SKIROS
Don't know. I can't see any-

She turns to see Xena.

XENA
Well, good luck.

MISS SKIROS
I make my own luck.

XENA
Then you don't need a pageant to change it, do you?

Miss Skiros leaves and Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
There you are. They've pushed up the talent event.
It's already started. Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Messini plays the harp.

DOGE OF MESSINI
Yes!

SALMONEUS
Thank you, Miss Messini, for that lovely rendition
of - whatever that song you just played was. Miss
Messini, everybody! And now, Miss Artiphys!

Miss Artiphys enters, twirling ribbons. Salmoneus joins Xena and Gabrielle off-stage.

XENA
Any trouble so far?

SALMONEUS
Nothing a hook wouldn't solve. If you mean danger,
not yet.

GABRIELLE
Maybe we scared off the people who were trying
to get the girls.

XENA
Maybe, but my fear is they'll switch to targeting warlords.

SALMONEUS
Wait!

Salmoneus enters the stage. Miss Artiphys has tied herself off. She leaves the stage.

SALMONEUS
Now! We have an act that's sure to be a real
charmer, Miss Skiros!

Miss Skiros enters with a basket. She charms a snake. Salmoneus join Xena and Gabrielle off-stage.

XENA
Why the rush on this event?

SALMONEUS
Don't ask me, ask him. He's the one who ordered it.

Salmoneus looks to Lord Claron. The beam above Miss Skiros starts to break.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

The beam above Miss Skiros starts to break. Xena flips in and over the snake. She pushes Miss Skiros out of the way and kicks the snake. The beam falls. Xena stands with the dead snake around her shoulders.

XENA
Thank you. Ta-da! Ta-da!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doge of Messini is knocked out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

SALMONEUS
What does she think she's doing, huh? She certainly
picked a fine time to go touring around the castle.
Doesn't she know it's dangerous out there?

GABRIELLE
She'll be fine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Palatine of Parnassus is knocked out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

GABRIELLE
Now, the good news is that she's a cinch to win,
and then this is over, and we're home free.

SALMONEUS
Yeah, unless something happens to her. Then we're not so home free.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Regent of Skiros is knocked out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

GABRIELLE
No one else knows she's at the castle. It's perfectly
safe. Now, just don't worry.

They leave and the Pageant Matron comes out of hiding. She heard everything.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later. Xena waits in a room when Lord Claron enters.

LORD CLARON
Miss Amphipolis. I'm Lord Claron.

XENA
Oh.

LORD CLARON
Congratulations. I'd stake my life that the judges
will choose you as the winner.

XENA
Well, that's very kind of you to say.

LORD CLARON
Not at all. In fact, kindness has nothing to do
with it. I said that I'd stake my life, where in fact-

He draws a dagger.

LORD CLARON
-I'm staking yours.

XENA
What are you doing?

LORD CLARON
You wouldn't understand. You weren't here for
the war, when our neutrality made this country rich.

XENA
You made a profit out of death and suffering?

LORD CLARON
Let's just say we filled a need. And then the peace
came and the good times were gone. That's why
we need another war, to bring back the prosperity.
And that's why you have to die.

XENA
So you're the one who's sabotaging this pageant?

LORD CLARON
Can you think of a better way to get these fools
to fight again without arousing suspicion?

XENA
As a matter of fact, I can't. But, why don't we ask
the fools themselves?

Xena pulls the cloth off the table to reveal the warlords underneath the table.

LORD CLARON
But, how did you-

XENA
Know it was you? Only the guy who rigged it could
have looked up at that beam. And as for the
security you were adding, well, there wasn't a
guard in sight.

LORD CLARON
You surprise me. I had no idea that a beauty
contestant could be more than the sum of her
well-assembled parts.

XENA
Neither did I.

LORD CLARON
Hmm. Now, be smart and maybe I won't have
to disassemble you, hmm?

XENA
Trust me, you don't wanna make me angry.

LORD CLARON
Oh, on the contrary, I'm looking forward to it.

XENA
Okay.

Xena fights Lord Claron.

XENA
Are we having fun yet?

Xena fights Lord Claron.

XENA
Oops!

Xena fights Lord Claron.

XENA
Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

Xena beats Lord Claron and Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
Xena!

REGENT OF SKIROS
Xena!

DOGE OF MESSINI
Xena!

GABRIELLE
Uh, I mean Miss Amphipolis.

Xena takes off the wig.

XENA
It's all right, Gabrielle, I think we all know who's
who now.

GABRIELLE
Not quite. The judges have voted and they're
ready to crown a winner.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runway.

EXTRA
Yeah!

EXTRA
Whoo, whoo, whoo!

The audience cheers.

SALMONEUS
I have here the final results of the first Miss Known
World Pageant. Now, if for any reason, the winner
is unable to perform her duties, like she isn't here,
then the crown will go to the first runner-up, and
so on down the line. Is that understood?!

Xena enters in her leather.

XENA
Perfectly.

SALMONEUS
Xena! What have you done with Miss Amphipolis?!

XENA
She's withdrawn from the pageant.

EXTRAS
What?

XENA
She told me to say that she's learned a lot from
all of you but it's time that she moved on.

SALMONEUS
B--b--b--but, she can't! I have the ballot right here!
And, uh, uh-oh, she won! See?! She can't quit now.

XENA
She just did.

SALMONEUS
Right. That means the winner will be our first
runner-up, and that is-

MISS SKIROS
Wait! I quit, too.

REGENT OF SKIROS
What?!

MISS SKIROS
That's right. I thought I needed this crown to get
away from a lot of bad luck. It turns out all I need
is myself and, maybe someone to remind me
of that once in a while.

SALMONEUS
Okay, moving on down the line. Ah! I see that our
winner is-

MISS MESSINI
Wait! Me too. I quit, too.

SALMONEUS
What is this, catching?

DOGE OF MESSINI
You heard her, she wants to quit. You got a
problem with that?

SALMONEUS
No, sir, uh-uh! Especially because, I think we
have a winner right here.

MISS PARNASSUS
Then think again.

PALATINE OF PARNASSUS
We had a deal! You put yourself before your family,
your village? You'll let them starve?

MISS PARNASSUS
No, I won't let them starve. I'll help them plant,
and--and plow, and harvest, with all my strength,
year after year, until we get through this. But to
give away my pride and my dignity, for one winter's
food? Where's the good in that?

SALMONEUS
She has a point, which means that our winner is-

EXTRA
Oh my god.

EXTRA
How wonderful for her.

SALMONEUS
-Miss Artiphys! Thank you. You really saved my
assets. You are something else.

MISS ARTIPHYS
You have no idea.

SALMONEUS
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you,
on her inaugural walk down our runway, your Miss
Known World.
(singing) Stand back, and let her through.
She's the one girl who'll do.
A beauty so mythic,
Her figure's terrific.
She's Miss Known World.
With a face and a form so sublime,
She's a legend within her own time.
So stand back, make way,
Let her smile make your day.
She's Miss Known World.

Miss Artiphys pulls Xena on the stage and kisses her. Gabrielle stops clapping and then continues slowly. They hold up their arms together.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later.

GABRIELLE
So, Miss Known World is a man?

XENA
Yep.

GABRIELLE
It's kind of funny, huh?

XENA
Why? Beauty is beauty.

GABRIELLE
And peace is peace.

XENA
Are you going to write about this?

GABRIELLE
Oh, yes. I was thinking about calling it, "Queen for a-"

XENA
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
"What a Drag!"

XENA
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Okay, okay.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Robert Trebor as Salmoneus
Karen Dior as Miss Artiphys
John Sumner as Lord Claron
Calvin Tuteao as Doge of Messini
Simone Kessell as Miss Messini
Stan Wolfgramm as Palatine of Parnassus
Jennifer Rucker as Miss Parnassus
Timothy Lee as Regent of Skiros
Katherine Kennard as Miss Skiros
Brenda Kendall as Pageant Matron

Written by: Chris Manheim
Directed by: Marina Sargenti

Disclaimer: No ribbons were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several experienced severe motion sickness.