Return of Callisto


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Michelle Calvert


TEASER

In a jail, food is served.

FIRST GUARD
All right, time to eat, pigs! (to Second Guard) Each
of the animals gets a ladleful. (to Half Starved Man)
Hey! What do you say, pig?

HALF STARVED MAN
Thank you.

FIRST GUARD
You got to demand their respect. They're all
murderers, thieves, and perverts. The toughest,
baddest men around. If you get soft with them
for a moment, they'll cut your throat.

They move to a cell with only one prisoner.

FIRST GUARD
Now this one is a very, very special case. Watch
what I do. Fill 'er up.

The Second Guard fills up the blow, and the First Guard used a long stick to slide the food into Callisto's cell. Callisto is chained to a chair.

FIRST GUARD
What do you say?

SECOND GUARD
Why is she in that contraption?

FIRST GUARD
That's Callisto. She's the worst of the worst. Already
crippled three guards. Never let her out of that thing.
(to Callisto) Come on, what do you say?

CALLISTO
I say, before I kill you, I'm going to make you squeal
like a pig, you fat, pathetic piece of dung.

FIRST GUARD
I've put up with your lip for too long!

The First Guard enters the cell and hits Callisto with a stick, while Callisto steals his dagger.
FIRST GUARD
Now, what do you got to say?!

CALLISTO
Thank you.

FIRST GUARD
See, respect. I demand it, I get it.

He leaves. Callisto looks at her prize.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The guards throw dice.

SECOND GUARD
This is my lucky night. Yeah! Yeah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto breaks free of the chair, and unlocks the door with the dagger.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The guards gamble.

FIRST GUARD
Luck be a lady tonight!

Callisto steps on the dice.

CALLISTO
You lose.

FIRST GUARD
Get her!

They attack her, but she makes short work of them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the cells.

EXTRAS
Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto kills the Second Guard then looks over at the First Guard.

CALLISTO
Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The First Guard gives an agonizing scream and Callisto enters the room with the cell and releases Theodorus.

CALLISTO
Let them all out. The healthy ones will be the
beginning of our new army. Oh, and the weak
ones, put them out of their misery, hmm? Oh,
huh, Theodorus, bring that with you.

She points to the chair she was chained to.

CALLISTO
I know someone it will look perfect on.

EXTRAS
Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto! Callisto!

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Perdicas moves into Gabrielle and Xena's camp at night. Xena punches him, but holds her second kick when she sees who it is.

XENA
Hello, Perdicas. Not the smartest way to pay us
a visit.

GABRIELLE
Perdicas!

PERDICAS
I just had to see something.

GABRIELLE
What?

PERDICAS
Your face. I haven't stopped thinking about you
since the last time I saw you. Gabrielle, we've
always been close. You were my closest friend.
And, well, Gabrielle, will you be my wife?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that night.

GABRIELLE
What have you been doing since you left Troy?

PERDICAS
Fighting. That's all I've been doing, it seems.
After Troy, I wandered into another war. One day,
I killed three men. I started to have dreams about
all the men whose lives I'd taken. I couldn't stand
it. One night I had my dagger at my heart. Then
I saw something.

GABRIELLE
What?

PERDICAS
Your face.

GABRIELLE
Perdicas, I don't know if I'm really who you think
I am. I mean, I fight.

PERDICAS
But you never kill. I know that. Gabrielle, we were
to be married once. And you decided that that
wasn't to be. And you were right. You were right.
I wasn't ready, either. But I am now. I love you,
and if you'll take me, I want you to be my wife.

GABRIELLE
I'm sorry. I, just excuse me, okay?

She leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a barn. Joxer hits a barrel with his sword. Nothing happens to the barrel.

KID #1
The barrel's ribbed with iron.

JOXER
Yeah, I know that! That's why I chose it! Anybody
can split an ordinary barrel in two! But, Joxer the
Magnificent chose an iron-ribbed one! You see,
I like the challenge of choosing the hardest opponents, huh?

Callisto and her army enter.

JOXER
The toughest, the most vicious opponents.

KID #1
Like them.

JOXER
Right, just - whoa! Whoa! Callisto! Don't make
me hurt you.

CALLISTO
Joxer, the last time I saw you, you wanted to join
my army, and now you want to fight me? Tsk, tsk,
tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. I am so disappointed.

JOXER
Yeah, well I turned good, just like Xena.

CALLISTO
Yeah? Well, I haven't.

JOXER
Oh-

He fumbles for words.

CALLISTO
Be a dear, and deliver a message to the good
Xena for me, will you?

JOXER
Sure.

CALLISTO
Tell her this. She should have killed me when
she had the chance. For every drop of innocent
blood I shed, from here on out, is on her hands
as well as mine.

JOXER
Okay.

CALLISTO
Good boy. Come!

Callisto and her army leave.

JOXER
Bye.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle walk along a beach, Perdicas just ahead of them.

XENA
So, what's your answer?

GABRIELLE
No, of course.

XENA
Why don't you tell him?

GABRIELLE
I'm waiting for the right time.

XENA
He's a good man.

GABRIELLE
He is. He's so sensitive and kind. You know, I've
never known anyone that I've ever been so comfortable
around. Besides you.

XENA
Look, Gabrielle, if it's me you're worried about,
let me set your mind at rest. Seeing you happy
will make me happy. And if that means settling
down with Perdicas, then...you have my blessing.

Joxer runs towards them.

JOXER
Xena! Xena! It's, Callisto! She's out!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto's army attacks a village. Callisto is about to kill a man, when the chakram disarms her. Xena catches it.

CALLISTO
I've missed you, Xena.

XENA
You never wrote.

Callisto throws a dagger at a little girl. Xena catches it, but Callisto puts her sword at Xena's cheek.

CALLISTO
Ah-h-h! Don't move, Pretty. That sentimental side
of you is a real problem now, isn't it? You fight
with your heart. That gives me advantage over you.
I no longer seem to have one. I'm not gonna kill
you, now, oh, no. First, I'm going to kill your soul,
just like you killed mine. See you soon, my sweet.

She screams as she flips way. She makes a kiss gesture and runs off.

EXTRA
Help!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that night, the battle continues. Perdicas kills a man and freezes. A solider runs at him, but Xena takes him out, and then saves Gabrielle.

EXTRA
Help! My baby!

XENA
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Thanks!

Gabrielle joins Perdicas, who is kneeling over the dead man's body.

PERDICAS
I can't do this anymore. If you don't wanna come
with me, it's not gonna change the way I feel about
you. I love you more than anything. But I'm done fighting.

He throws his sword away.

PERDICAS
I'm going home.

Perdicas leaves.

GABRIELLE
But...

XENA
Where's he going?

GABRIELLE
The answer's yes, Xena. I'm gonna marry him.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Gabrielle's wedding.

VILLAGE PRIEST
May the winds bring forth also good fortune. May
the same force that molded the beauty of these
rose petals bless your union for eternity.

Gabrielle and Perdicas kiss.

PERDICAS
I love you, Gabrielle. I'm so happy.

GABRIELLE
Oh, Xena.

Gabrielle hugs Xena.

JOXER
Congratulations.

PERDICAS
Xena.

Xena shakes Perdicas' hand.

XENA
Perdicas, congratulations.

GABRIELLE and PERDICAS
Thank you.

JOXER
Xena.

GABRIELLE
Before we go, I need to speak with Xena.

JOXER
I'm sorry.

PERDICAS
Take your time.

Perdicas walks off.

GABRIELLE
Okay.

XENA
Joxer.

JOXER
Huh?

XENA
Take a walk.

JOXER
Oh, right.

Joxer walks off.

JOXER
Hey, Perdicas.

XENA
I'm so happy for you.

GABRIELLE
I'm gonna miss you, so much.

XENA
Hey, it's not like we'll never see one another again.
I'll visit you all the time.

GABRIELLE
You promise?

XENA
I'll be knocking on your door so often, you'll be
sick of me.

GABRIELLE
Hmm, never.

Joxer lightly hits Perdicas.

JOXER
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom! Listen-

GABRIELLE
You know, I think I fell in love with him at Troy.

XENA
No kidding.

GABRIELLE
Huh.

XENA
Gabrielle, I am not going to let you say good-bye.
That's not what this is. We'll see one another
again soon.

Xena gives Gabrielle a small kiss on the lips and they hug. Gabrielle gives Xena her bouquet.

XENA
Hah, hah.

Gabrielle joins Perdicas. She looks back at Xena, who waves.

PERDICAS
You ready, sweetheart? Shall we?

Gabrielle and Perdicas leave, Gabrielle laughing.

XENA
Goodbye, Gabrielle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, Gabrielle and Perdicas are in a room.

PERDICAS
You're gonna miss her, aren't you?

GABRIELLE
Yeah. I'm more worried about her missing me,
though. She's gonna be all alone. I have you.

PERDICAS
That makes you happy?

GABRIELLE
Very. I - if we have a daughter, do you think we
can name her-

PERDICAS
Xena? I wouldn't have it any other way.

GABRIELLE
Ah, Perdicas? I've--I've never been with a man,
before. Have you? Been with women?

PERDICAS
Uh, well, I was--I was a soldier, and-

GABRIELLE
I don't need to hear anymore.

PERDICAS
Does that bother you, that I've--I've been
with...other women?

GABRIELLE
A little. But I guess one of us should be good at it.

PERDICAS
Hey, I never said that I was good at it.

They kiss.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Callisto's camp, Xena puts The Pinch on Theodorus, dropping him to his knees.

XENA
Hello, Theodorus. We've been through all this
before. But in case you don't remember the details,
you'll be dead in seconds if you don't tell me
where Callisto is.

THEODORUS
I don't know where she is.

XENA
Wrong answer.

THEODORUS
That's the truth! She left hours ago.

XENA
Come on, Theodorus. She knew I was coming.
She's much too good a hostess not to be here
to greet me.

THEODORUS
I'm telling you the truth. When I told her you were
traveling without Gabrielle, she said, "Perfect,"
and left.

Xena releases him and leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the morning, Gabrielle and Perdicas hug and kiss outside.

GABRIELLE
Perdicas, I know what love is, now. It's life. Everything
is united by love alone.

Callisto enters.

CALLISTO
Oh love, love, love, love. Oh, it unites, you're right.
And hate divides. Let's see which one's stronger,
shall we?

She dismounts and draws her sword.

PERDICAS
What do you want? We're unarmed.

CALLISTO
Good - that makes things simple then, doesn't it?

She cuts Perdicas' arm and moves in on Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Perdicas! Perdicas?

Callisto kicks Gabrielle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena rides Argo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto stands over Gabrielle, sword raised.

CALLISTO
Nighty-night.

Xena rides in and attacks Callisto.

CALLISTO
I long to see you wailing over the body of your friend.

XENA
Well, it's not going to happen.

CALLISTO
Hmm?

They fight. Callisto falls back and as Perdicas stands, Callisto stabs him.

GABRIELLE
No! No! Perdicas.

Gabrielle runs to Perdicas' side.

CALLISTO
That'll do.

Callisto rides off.

GABRIELLE
No, Perdicas! Oh! No! Xena! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, Perdicas.

She holds Perdicas and cries.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Xena sings at Perdicas' funeral that night.

GABIRELLE
That's the last one.

XENA
What do you mean?

GABRIELLE
From here on out, all I want on my hands is
Callisto's blood.

XENA
Gabrielle, leave Callisto to me. You need time
to mourn.

GABRIELLE
I have the rest of my life to mourn. I want to see
her dead.

XENA
Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
In the morning, I'm going after her. Now, the question
is, are you going to come with me, or not?

Gabrielle walks off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morning. Gabrielle attacks a tree with a sword. Xena walks over to her.

XENA
Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Is it time?

XENA
Yes.

GABRIELLE
I'm ready.

XENA
Gabrielle, when we find her, don't go up against
her one on one. You'll be dead in seconds.

GABRIELLE
If she dies with me, that'll be fine.

XENA
Not with me it won't. Besides, she'd chop you
into little pieces before you even struck a first blow.

GABRIELLE
That's because you never taught me how to use
a sword. Now, that's going to change, right now.
I want a lesson.

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
Why?

XENA
Because I won't help you destroy all the ideals
that you live by.

GABRIELLE
My ideals were a lie. I thought love was the strongest
power on Earth. What a fool. Love is helpless in
the face of cruelty.

XENA
Gabrielle, if you're taken over by hatred, Callisto wins.

GABRIELLE
I've got news for you, Xena. She's already won.
Now, show me how to use a sword.

XENA
Not a chance.

Xena starts to walk off. Gabrielle hits the tree.

GABRIELLE
Xena! Teach me.

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
Teach me.

Gabrielle pokes Xena with the sword a few times.

GABRIELLE
Teach me!

Gabrielle pokes Xena with the sword.

GABRIELLE
Teach me!

Gabrielle pokes Xena again, and Xena kicks the sword out of her hands.

XENA
I won't do it.

GABRIELLE
Xena, wake up and look around you! The little
innocent Gabrielle is dead, and there's no getting
her back. Just teach me how to use a sword, so,
at least I stand a fighting chance. Please.

XENA
All right, pick it up.

Gabrielle gets her sword and Xena draws hers.

XENA
First thing, is that your sword, is not a staff. You
have to learn how to parry so you can look for
an opening. And keep eye contact. That's how
you anticipate the next move.

Xena attacks with her sword throughout Gabrielle's next lines and Gabrielle hits Xena's sword.

GABRIELLE
Okay. Again. Again. Again! I'm gonna kill her. Again!
Teach me. Teach me! Teach me. Again. Again! Teach
me how to kill her, Xena. I'm gonna cut her open
and watch her bleed. I'm gonna kill her, Xena!
Teach me how to kill her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto's army parties. Theodorus joins Callisto, who is sitting on the chair she was tied to in prison.

THEODORUS
A beverage, my Queen.

CALLISTO
You know I don't drink intoxicants, Theodorus.

THEODOUS
I thought maybe just this once.

CALLISTO
No. I like to experience life in all its agonizing glory.
I don't want to dull the sensations in any way.

She stares at him.

THEODORUS
What?

CALLISTO
You're not falling in love with me, are you?

THEODORUS
And what if I was?

CALLISTO
I'd have to kill you. Love is a trick that nature plays
to get us to reproduce. I want no part of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night. Joxer and Gabrielle wait for Xena.

GABRIELLE
Where is she? She should be back by now. I'm going.

Xena arrives.

XENA
No, you're not. They're having a party up there. If
we wait until dawn, half of them will be passed
out. And then, I'm going in after Callisto. I found
an unguarded passage.

GABRIELLE
What am I supposed to do?

XENA
Stay here. If Callisto comes out, I won't be far
behind, and don't try and take her on one on one.

Gabrielle walks off.

GABRIELLE
I don't think so.

Xena grabs Gabrielle's arm.

XENA
Listen, if you really want Callisto to get what's
coming to her, you do it my way.

Gabrielle yells and hits the ground with her sword.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena kneels.

XENA
If anyone's listening, you know, I'm not much for
praying. But I don't know what else to do. I was
ready to give up once, and--and Gabrielle came
into my life. Please-

Gabrielle enters, but Xena doesn't see.

XENA
-don't let that light that shines out of her face go
out. I couldn't stand the darkness that would follow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena joins Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Xena.

XENA
Yeah?

GABRIELLE
You were right. I need to mourn. I'm going home.

XENA
Yes, yeah, that's the best thing to do. Rest. Grieve.
I'll take care of Callisto, I promise.

GABRIELLE
I know. But, if you don't mind, I think I'll set out
right now.

XENA
Okay.

GABRIELLE
Goodbye.

Gabrielle leaves and Xena watches her go.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dawn.

XENA
It's time.

JOXER
You know, Xena, I know you don't think very much
of me, and that's fine. But I care about Gabrielle,
too. And I would do anything to avenge her loss,
including sacrificing my own life.

XENA
You've got a good heart, Joxer, but take my advice,
and keep it far away from Callisto.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto's army sleeps. Gabrielle moves into the room and holds her sword and Callisto's throat.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Gabrielle holds her sword at Callisto's throat.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flashbacks: Scene from "Callisto."

GABRIELLE
No look, you promise me. If something happens
to me, you will not become a monster.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flashback to Perdicas with her.

PERDICAS
But you never kill. I know that. I love you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flashback to Xena the night before.

XENA
Don't let that light that shines out of her face go out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle throws away the sword. Callisto and Theodorus wake up. Callisto draws a dagger.

CALLISTO
I don't understand you. After all I did, you still
can't kill me.

GABRIELLE
I won't take a life, even yours. I'd rather die.

Callisto holds dagger at Gabrielle's throat.

CALLISTO
Oh, but you will.

GABRIELLE
Get it over with.

CALLISTO
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm going to make a grand
show of your death. And I'll need an audience
who will truly appreciate it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters. The warriors all wake up and train their weapons on Xena. Theodorus holds dagger to Gabrielle's throat.

EXTRA
Don't move!

Theodorus holds dagger to Gabrielle's throat.

CALLISTO
Welcome.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wood is stacked around Gabrielle, who is tied to a pole. Callisto touches Gabrielle's face.

CALLISTO
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Callisto walks over to Xena, who is now tied into the chair. Callisto puts chakram on her belt.

CALLISTO
It's a nice fit, don't you think?

XENA
Don't get too fond of it.

CALLISTO
How are you gonna get out of this one, Xena, hmm?

XENA
It ain't over till it's over.

CALLISTO
Oh, but it will be, soon. You're about to watch the
friendship of your life go up in smoke. Hmm, I envy
her in a way. She gets to leave this life so pure. I
wonder if I could have been her. (to soldiers) Burn her.

The wood around Gabrielle is lit. Xena struggles at her binds.

CALLISTO
Oh, don't bother struggling, Xena. Be thankful for
that beautiful throne. It'll give you peace if you let it.

JOXER
I'm coming, Xena!

Joxer enters. Callisto makes short work of him, but while her back is turned on Xena, Xena gets her chakram with her foot.

CALLISTO
What could you possibly have been thinking?

JOXER
I'm here to save my friends.

Joxer moves past Callisto, but is hit with an arrow in the shoulder. He falls.

EXTRA
That's all it'll take.

Xena frees her arm then uses her chakram to free Gabrielle.

EXTRA
She's escaping! Don't just stand there, get her!

Xena gets out and she and Gabrielle attack the warriors.

EXTRA
Run for your lives!

EXTRA
Somebody, stop her!

EXTRA
Run! Get away while you can!

CALLISTO
Oh, how I do love watching you work.

Xena and Callisto fight.

CALLISTO
Looks like we're at a standstill. How good are
you at chariots, Xena, hmm?

Callisto flips and then runs out. Xena hits Theodorus.

GABRIELLE
Get her, Xena!

Xena runs out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Callisto jumps into a chariot.

CALLISTO
Yah! Yah!

Xena jumps into a chariot.

XENA
Yah! Yah! Yah! Get on, yah! Yah! Yah!

Xena chases Callisto.

CALLISTO
Yah! Yah!

XENA
Yah! Yah! Callisto! Yah!

CALLISTO
Yah!

She moves ahead.

XENA
Yah! Yah! Yah!

She starts to catch up.

CALLISTO
Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!

XENA
Yah! Yah!

Callisto uses spike on her wheel to break off one of Xena's wheels.

XENA
Yah!

Xena uses her whip to latch onto Callisto's chariot.

XENA
Yah!

Xena is pulled off her chariot and dragged behind Callisto.

CALLISTO
Yah! Enjoying the ride, Xena?

She screams.

CALLISTO
Want to go faster?

Callisto laughs. Xena pulls herself onto the chariot. They fight. Xena grabs Callisto and jumps off. They roll down a hill and land in quicksand. Callisto laughs.

CALLISTO
We're both gonna die, Xena. How wonderful. We
can spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus,
together, hmm?

XENA
Always the optimist.

Xena throws her chakram. She then ropes her whip around it.

CALLISTO
Oh, you're good, Xena.

Xena pulls herself to freedom.

CALLISTO
Xena, help me. Xena! Xena. Please Xena. Help
me, please? You can't just let me die, Xena. Xena.
Xena. I'm counting on you. Help me. Help me!
Help me! Xena!

Callisto screams. Xena doesn't move, and watches Callisto sink into the sand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later. Xena tends Joxer's wound.

JOXER
Oh, honestly, how bad is it?

XENA
Terminal.

JOXER
No, really.

XENA
Not bad. But it'll leave a nice scar.

JOXER
Yeah?

XENA
Yep, Joxer, you're a brave man.

JOXER
Yeah, I mean, yeah. You know, Xena, I was thinking,
a warrior of my quality should let you off the hook.
I'm setting off on my own. I'm sorry.

XENA
I'll live.

JOXER
Joxer, the Good. The Warm Joxer the Valiant.

Xena joins Gabrielle.

XENA
What were you doing?

GABRIELLE
Loving him.

XENA
He'll hear your thoughts.

GABRIELLE
I know. Forever and ever.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Hudson Leick as Callisto
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Scott Garrison as Perdicus
David Te Rare as Theodorus
Alex Moffat as First Guard
David Scordino as Second Guard
Lance Cheshire as Half Starved Man
Puck Willis as Kid #1
Frederick Bedford as Village Priest

Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: T.J. Scott

Episode Dedication: This episode is dedicated to the memory of Michelle Calvert...we're thinking of you.

Disclaimer: Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.