Warrior...Princess...Tramp


TEASER

Diana holds her baby. Lias lies ill in bed. Philemon stands with Diana.

LIAS
She'll make a great Queen one day, as you will,
very soon, Diana.

DIANA
Papa, please don't talk like that. You're gonna
get better, I know it.

LIAS
You must be strong. I fear my time is very near,
and it's important that the transition between my
rule and yours go smoothly.

DIANA
I'm ready to do whatever's needed of me.

LIAS
I've sent for Xena. In difficult times like these, it's
good to have mighty friends close at hand.

DIANA
And who's mightier than Xena?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tavern.

JOXER
I was the one chosen to fight Callisto because
f there's anyone mightier than Xena, it's Joxer the
Magnificent. So, I challenged Callisto to pit her
strength against mine. She was a little hesitant
at first, understandably. But then she came at me.
And I parried, dodged, dodged, thrust, parried,
parried! And I spun around to--to-

He sees Gabrielle.

JOXER
Hi, Gabby.

GABRIELLE
Go ahead, I'd love to hear the rest.

EXTRA
Yeah, finish the story!

JOXER
To, ah, call Xena to dispatch the villainess, which
she did, while I held off the other members of
Callisto's gang.

GABRIELLE
You know, I don't remember it that way.

JOXER
Well, that's because you were tied up at the time.

GABRIELLE
So were you.

The drunks laugh.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing here?

JOXER
I heard that King Lias was dying and he sent for
Xena. So I thought I might be of some help.

GABRIELLE
I don't think so, but I'll be sure to ask her when I
see her.

JOXER
I already talked to her. She's heading to the castle.
She told me to give her a little time to settle in and
that I should follow.

GABRIELLE
What are you talking about? Xena's in Thebes.
The message she sent to me said that she
wouldn't be her 'til tomorrow.

JOXER
Wrong! She was here an hour ago.

GABRIELLE
Now, how could she get here so fast?

JOXER
I don't know. But she was definitely here.

GABRIELLE
I guess I better hurry up to catch up with her.

JOXER
Yeah, and tell her not to worry. I could tell when
we parted company this morning, that she was
gonna miss my affections. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Gabrielle grabs his nose.

JOXER
Ow-w! Ow-w! O-oh! Ow-w! What'd you do that for?

GABRIELLE
That's Xena's reputation you're playing with. And
that's going too far.

Gabrielle leaves. Joxer turns back to the customers in the bar.

JOXER
So anyway, there I was, on the parapet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg pours herself a drink and slips a spoon down her cleavage. Diana and Philemon enter.

DIANA
Xena.

MEG
Diana.

DIANA
Welcome.

They hug.

DIANA
Thank you for coming. We didn't expect you so soon.

MEG
Well, I made good time. I want you to meet Agis,
uh, he was once the advisor to King Cabmus of
Thebes. I trust him completely. He'll be a great
help to us all in these difficult times.

DIANA
If Xena trusts you, I trust you. Welcome, sir.

AGIS
I'm honoured, your Highness.

MEG
How's the King?

DIANA
He's not well, Xena.

MEG
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll get through
this together.

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Hello, Princess.

They hug.

DIANA
Gabrielle, welcome. I'll have rooms prepared
for you all. Guard, stay with Xena. Her commands
are to be obeyed as though they came from the
king himself.

GUARD
Yes, your Highness.

Diana exits.

GABRIELLE
We need to work on communication, here. I
thought you said we were gonna meet at the
tavern tomorrow. And what happened with Joxer
to make him think you were in love with him?.
You have to watch what you say to this guy. He's
a little crazy. He had this whole bar thinking you
were some kind of low-life tramp.

MEG
Guard! Throw this big-mouthed idiot in the dungeon!

Gabrielle is taken away.

GABRIELLE
"Big-mouthed idiot"? Xena! Xena! Xena!

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Agis enters Meg's room.

MEG
Ain't you ever heard of knockin?

Agis grabs Meg by the throat.

MEG
Hey, that's no way to treat a Warrior Princess.

AGIS
Let me remind you of reality, Meg. You're a filthy
tramp that I fished out of the gutter because you
look like Xena and Diana. You're useful to me
only if you're a convincing thespian.

MEG
You never said nothing about no kinky stuff.
Besides, I pulled it off so far today.

AGIS
Oh, not quite. You ordered Xena's best
friend thrown into a dungeon.

MEG
Oh, that's the irritating blonde? I can't see how
Xena can put up with her. Don't worry, I'll fix it.

AGIS
Yes, you will. Because you're going to do exactly
what I say.

MEG
Fine. This place is nice. But I bet Diana has a real
comfy set-up. When do I get to be her?

As Agis talks, Meg makes a mess, knocking over chairs and clearing the table by accident with her sword.

AGIS
When it's appropriate to make the switch, very
soon. I want you acting as the Princess when
Lias dies. That way you can turn the control of
the army over to me right away. Once I have
command of the army, I can launch an attack on
Miridias and sell their citizens into slavery.

Meg starts to spin the wooden chakram on the table.

AGIS
And that will only be the beginning of a series
of conquests.

MEG
Hey, Aggie, come here! Look what the round
thing does.

Agis slams his hand down, breaking the wooden chakram in two.

AGIS
A chakram is a weapon, not a toy.

MEG
Well, what kind of damage would a cheap wooden
thing do anyway? Ah, look, you broke it!

AGIS
Fix it, put it back on your belt and leave it there!
You need to visit Xena's little friend.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle is in the dungeon.

GABRIELLE
"Big-mouthed idiot." Maybe it's a code. Maybe it
means something. Maybe, I'm gonna kill her. Hmm.

MEG
Open up.

EXTRA
Yes, Xena.

Meg enters.

GABRIELLE
You had better have a pretty good explanation
for this.

MEG
Gabrielle, it's all part of the plan.

GABRIELLE
Well, will you tell me what the plan is?

MEG
Can't.

GABRIELLE
Oh, so I'm just supposed to accept being thrown
into a dungeon and you won't tell me what the
plan is?

MEG
Gabrielle, have you ever had burning splinters
shoved under your fingernails?

GABRIELLE
No.

MEG
Ah-hah! I thought as much. You see, the man
we're after is known to extract information using
that method. So the less you know, the safer
you'll be.

GABRIELLE
If he captures me, he doesn't know that I don't
know anything. He's still going to put splinters
under my fingernails.

MEG
All the more reason why you should stay here.
You're less likely to fall into his clutches that way.

GABRIELLE
I can take care of myself! Now why are you treating
me like a kid? I thought we were passed that.

MEG
Well, we're not. Oh and, ah, don't try to contact
Diana, you'll only put her in danger.

Meg leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the castle.

MEG
She'll stay quiet.

AGIS
Good.

MEG
Hey, Aggie.

AGIS
My name's Agis.

MEG
Well, what do we do when the real Xena gets here?

AGIS
She won't.

MEG
Ahhhh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters the tavern Joxer and Gabrielle had been in.

EXTRA
There she is.

Xena moves to the bar.

BARFLY #1
How's about you and me have some fun, hmm?

XENA
No, thanks.

BARFLY #1
Oh, so now you're playing hard to get.

Xena picks him up with two fingers under his chin and moves him out of her way.

EXTRA
That's the way.

XENA
Have you seen a young woman, carrying a staff,
about this high?

Barfly #1 and Barfly #2 join Xena.

BARFLY #1
She left yesterday. But there's no reason why you
should be lonely, when there's healthy young
men like us around. Give us a kiss.

Xena punches them.

ALCIBIADES
There she is!

XENA
(to bartender) Give me something strong.
(to Alcibiades) Well, I take it you're not looking
for a kiss.

ALCIBIADES
No, I want your heart.

He draws his sword.

XENA
You're not my type.

Xena takes a drink, grabs a candle and blows fire. They leave.

EXTRA
Let's get out of here!

Xena starts to leave, but Barfly #2 stands in her way.

BARFLY #2
So, Xena, how's about that kiss, huh?

Xena hits him with her head, knocking him out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg glues the chakram together. She puts it away. She draws the sword and starts to play with it.

MEG
Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. The name's Xena. That's
Xena with a capital 'Z'.

Meg loses the sword which gets stuck in the ceiling. She climbs onto the table and pulls on it. It comes out and she lands, breaking the table. The guard enters.

EXTRA
Are you all right?

MEG
Yes. I was, ah, I was just practicing my new punch.

The guard leaves. Joxer can be heard from outside the window.

JOXER
I'm only gonna say this one more time I'm a close
personal friend of Xena's.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg looks out the window to see Joxer trying to get past the guards.

JOXER
Listen, road block, step aside!

GUARD
You're not getting into this castle. So, be smart
and walk away while you still can.

JOXER
Oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You still don't know who you're
dealing with, do you? Don't make me hurt you.

The Guard hits him.

JOXER
Oh!

MEG
Guard?! It's all right. He's with me.

JOXER
(to Guard) You're a very lucky man.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg gets ready for Joxer to enter. She sits on the bed and throws away the chakram and sword. Joxer knocks on the door.

MEG
Come in.

JOXER
Mm-hmm.

MEG
Have a seat.

Meg moves to kiss Joxer who moves away, but hits the bedpost.

JOXER
Ow!

MEG
Oh. What's the matter?

JOXER
Listen, Xena, I've been thinking a lot about something
Gabrielle said to me.

MEG
What did that little brat say?

JOXER
No, listen, Xena, I've been sullying your reputation
around town.

MEG
What are you talking about?

JOXER
Listen, Xena, I told a bar-room full of guys how
intimate you and I got!

MEG
Well, there's nothing wrong with a little publicity.

Meg moves on Joxer.

JOXER
A little pub-oh, no, no, Xena. Listen. Listen!
I--I don't deserve you as a lover.

MEG
You're kidding, right? Look, don't listen to anything
Gabrielle says. I'm seriously considering having
her executed.

JOXER
What? No, no, listen, listen! I'm wrecking one of
the great friendships! Now, okay, okay, one of
us has to be strong and it's...listen, so I'll be
outside your window, should you need my sword
at your service.

MEG
I need your sword in my service right now.

JOXER
Sword, service. Yes, uh, look!

Joxer runs out.

JOXER
What am I, nuts, going in there?!

MEG
What a lovely man.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer runs into the hall.

JOXER
Oh, oh, okay, okay. Be strong. Wow. Be strong.
You're Joxer. You're Joxer the Magnificent. You're
Joxer. You're...lost.

Diana enters.

JOXER
Oh, this is madness. Do you really think a different
dress will weaken my manly resolve? You're right.

Joxer grabs Diana's butt. Diana gasps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is thrown into the dungeon with Gabrielle.

JOXER
Xena's kind of unpredictable, isn't she?

GABRIELLE
You're telling me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena rides to the castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena rides up to the gates and rides in.

GUARD
How'd she get out here?

The other guard shrugs.

EXTRA
Mm-mm-mm.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters a room to find Meg crying (unaware it's Meg).

XENA
Diana, we have a real problem, here. I was attacked
in a tavern by a band of thugs. Someone who
obviously didn't want me to get here. Someone
who wanted to take advantage of the king's illness.
We have to-

MEG
Xena! I just came from seeing my father. He's slipping
away. Can't we talk about this later?

XENA
Sure. I'll talk to Philemon about making the castle
secure. I'll be here if you need me.

Xena leaves. Agis enters with Diana, a knife at her throat.

MEG
Hey, Aggie, I thought you said she wasn't gonna
make it to the party.

AGIS
Obviously, something went wrong.

MEG
Well, you'd better be careful. She looks tough. How'd
you like the tears?

AGIS
Nice touch. (to men) You know what to do with her.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

The dungeon.

JOXER
Wait a minute. So, Diana and Xena are exact
look-a-likes?

GABRIELLE
Right!

JOXER
Oh, great! I assaulted royalty. I'm in big trouble.
But on the bright side, Xena still has a thing for me.

GABRIELLE
Hmm, impossible! No offense, Joxer, but you're
just not her type.

JOXER
She was certainly making do with my type. Let
me tell you what we did in that tavern. She gave
me this.

He shows Gabrielle a hickey.

JOXER
That ain't all.

He starts to take off his shirt.

GABRIELLE
Ah-no! That's not necessary. I wish I knew what
was wrong with her.

JOXER
Well, it's simple, really. She was struck by Cupid's
arrow. It's love, Gabrielle. But, don't worry, I'm
prepared to do the honourable thing.

GABRIELLE
Leave?

JOXER
No. Marry her. We could all travel around together.
Xena and I could be like a father and mother to you.

GABRIELLE
Guards! Please! Please! Please! I've got
to get out of here!

Meg enters, now pretending to be Diana.

MEG Xena told me all about the plan.

GABRIELLE
What is the plan?

MEG
Can't say, but, uh, you'll have to stay here. And
she also explained that little misunderstanding
between you and I.

JOXER
Forgive me, you're Highness, I'm lower than
rat droppings.

MEG
Oh, of course. It was just an honest mistake.

JOXER
Oh.

MEG
Now, come with me. Eh!

Gabrielle moves to leave, but Meg stops her.

MEG
Sorry, remember the plan?

JOXER
Um, what is the plan?

MEG
I'll tell you out here.

JOXER
Oh, good.

GABRIELLE
You're gonna tell Joxer, but you're not gonna tell me?

MEG
Xena's orders. She's very fond of him, you know?

Gabrielle tries to leave, but the guard pushes her back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a hall.

JOXER
Uh, wait, what's the plan?

Meg kisses him.

JOXER
That's the plan?

MEG
What do you think?

JOXER
Good plan.

A Nurse enters with the baby.

NURSE
Your Highness. Your Highness, it is time for the
baby's nap. Now, you know how she can't drift
off unless you sing a lullaby to her.

MEG
All right, all right. Just, go on up to the nursery
and I'll catch up with you there.

She leaves.

MEG
Wait for me in my room, I won't be long.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg rocks the baby cradle with her feet.

MEG
(singing) If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall.
Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall,
Sixty-three bottles of beer.
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
forty-three bottles of beer on the wall.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer looks in the mirror.

JOXER
You're mad, you devil. Oh, Joxer, why should you
deny yourself to these needy women?

Xena enters.

XENA
Joxer? What are you doing here?

JOXER
I hate to tell you this, Xena, but, all right, I might
as well spit it out. Princess Diana wants me.

XENA
She what?

JOXER
Listen, I can see the pain on your face, but really,
there's plenty of me to go around. And um, there's
no reason why we can't be adults about this and
have a little fun.

Xena turns to leave and Joxer pinches Xena's butt.

XENA
Are you suicidal?

JOXER
Oh, don't worry, Xena. I got just what you need
and plenty of it, too.

Joxer holds out his hands to grab Xena's breasts, but she punches him, sending him flying.

XENA
You got some explaining to do and you can start
by telling me where Gabrielle is.

JOXER
In the dungeon, where you put her!

XENA
What?

AGIS
In here.

Meg and Agis enter. Xena and Joxer hide behind a curtain.

MEG
What's the gripe, Aggie? I've done everything just
like you said.

AGIS
And more. Try staying away from that clown, Joxer.

Joxer is about to speak, but Xena claps her hand over his mouth.

MEG
I think he's cute.

AGIS
You better not mess this up.

MEG
Look who's talking.

AGIS
What does that mean?

MEG
You were supposed to keep the real Xena away
from here. Last time I looked, she was making
herself quite at home. You should hire better
people, Aggie.

Agis draws a dagger.

AGIS
Don't you talk to me that way. A despicable
slag like you should find it an honour to work with
a man like me. And my name is Agis, not Aggie.

MEG
Take it easy now, Agis.

AGIS
You're gonna do exactly like I say from now on, correct?

MEG
Exactly.

AGIS
Good. Well, don't just stand there, move it!

They leave. Xena and Joxer step out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle punches a pillow.

GABRIELLE
Come on, Warrior Princess. Take that! Ow, ah!

Xena and Joxer enter.

GABRIELLE
I know what the plan is. You're trying to drive me insane!

XENA
Let's go.

Xena leaves. As Gabrielle walks by, Joxer laughs. Gabrielle shoves him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the castle.

GABRIELLE
Now, wait a minute. Okay, I believe you when you
say that there's another look-alike here. That
would explain everything. But how do I know that
you're the real Xena?

JOXER
Yeah, how do we know you're the real Xena?

Xena throws her chakram and just as it is about to cut off Gabrielle's head, she catches it.

GABRIELLE
Hello, Xena. Boy, am I glad to see you.

XENA
Let's split up and search the castle. They may
have hidden Diana here.

JOXER
Wait--wait--wait--wait--wait. How am I supposed
to know who the real Diana is?

XENA
Well, if you come across a woman and she looks
exactly like me and she displays any interest in
you whatsoever as a man, that's the bad one.

Xena and Gabrielle leave.

JOXER
She is bad. Real bad.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcibiades rides along. Xena steps out.

XENA
Alcibiades.

ALCIBIADES
Meg?

XENA
Yeah, of course, it's me. Look what I found.

She pulls out Gabrielle whose hands are tied.

XENA
We found her snooping around. Agis wants you
to take her to the same place you're hiding Diana.
And that way we'll have two cards to play against Xena.

ALCIBIADES
All right, hand me the rope.

She does.

XENA
Hey, I wanna come too. Xena's figured this whole
thing out. I don't want to be around her any more.
I'm terrified of that warrior witch. And you know,
maybe if you take me along, then, we can relax
a little later on.

Alcibiades pulls out his sword and brings it down on Xena's head, stopping just before killing her.

ALCIBIADES
Ah, sorry, had to make sure you weren't Xena.
Bring her along.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a cave. The soldiers gamble. Diana is chained to the wall.

EXTRA
Can't get lucky again.

EXTRA
Come on.

EXTRA
Come on. Let's go.

EXTRA
Are we in?

EXTRA
All of it. All of it.

EXTRA
Come on.

Xena, Gabrielle and Alcibiades enter.

EXTRA
Very nice.

XENA
Hey, boys!

GABRIELLE
All right!

XENA
How're you doing, Princess?

DIANA
Not well. I'll probably be dead soon.

Gabrielle is set next to Diana.

XENA
Why's that?

DIANA
Well, I've been sitting on this cold ground almost
the entire day. Who could survive that?

GABRIELLE
A cold bottom isn't fatal.

DIANA
Says you.

XENA
No, but if I have to listen to you two blabber any
more, somebody's gonna end up seriously dead.
Hey, boys, let's toy with the brat a while.

EXTRA
Oh!

Xena beats the warriors. She frees Gabrielle and Diana.

GABRIELLE
Come on.

Gabrielle and Diana move out of the way and Xena takes out the men. Gabrielle helps and Diana picks up her skirt and kicks one guy, knocking him out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle.

AGIS
If we can put Meg on the throne, we will control
the most powerful army in Boecia. Conquests you
never dreamed of are in our grasp. And you
lead Xena directly to our hideout.

ALCIBIADES
What are we going to do about Xena? Now, that
she has Diana, there's nothing stopping her from
coming after you.

AGIS
There's still one card left to play.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diana runs into the nursery. Xena, Gabrielle and Philemon follow.

DIANA
My baby! They took my baby!

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Xena, Gabrielle, Diana and Philemon enter a chamber.

DIANA
This chamber is known only to the royal family.

XENA
Good. I want you and Philemon to stay here until
we can find your baby.

PHILEMON
You can't expect me just to wait down here, when
my child's life is in danger.

XENA
Your life is in danger, too. Philemon, I am asking
you to have faith in me. This plan is our only way
to save your child.

DIANA
Then we'll stay down here. Philemon, we have
to trust Xena now. She's our only hope.

XENA
Gabrielle, I want you to find Meg and keep her
in one place. I'll do the rest.

GABRIELLE
Right.

They leave. Philemon holds Diana.

DIANA
Please.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena walks along. Joxer come up behind her and grabs her.

JOXER
Got you, sweety!

Xena hits him.

JOXER
Oh! Hi, Xena.

XENA
Sorry, Joxer. Just a habit.

JOXER
That's okay. I've been keeping an eye out for you
for the fake Diana.

XENA
Her name's Meg.

JOXER
Meg, huh? That's a pretty name.

XENA
You're not falling for her, are you?

JOXER
Well, I've seen a different side of her.

XENA
I bet you have.

JOXER
Hey, listen, I think she's just a victim of circumstance.

XENA
She'll be a victim of some more circumstances when
I get my hands on her. And don't bother keeping
an eye on her anymore. I've got Gabrielle on that.

JOXER
Oh, you think she can do a better job than I can.

XENA
This is not a competition.

JOXER
You think that I'm a complete joke, don't you?

Agis enters and Xena kisses Joxer.

AGIS
Princess, may I talk to you, please?

XENA
Can't it wait?

AGIS
No, it can't.

Agis grabs her and they leave.

JOXER
Hah.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg looks at her dress.

MEG
Yeah, a little more cleavage couldn't hurt.

Meg grabs a pair of scissors. Gabrielle enters.

MEG
Get out of my way.

GABRIELLE
Over my dead body.

MEG
That can be arranged.

Meg holds up the scissors. They fight. Meg throws Gabrielle's face into a fruit platter.

MEG
Eat some fruit, baby!

Gabrielle takes down Meg.

MEG
Mercy. Mercy, please.

Meg starts to cry.

GABRIELLE
Tears are no good with me!

Meg stops.

MEG
Look at you, looking down at me. Ah, that's all right.
I'm used to it.

They sit on a bed.

MEG
Snotty brats like you always hate girls like me.

GABRIELLE
What do you expect with what you've been doing?

MEG
What was I supposed to do? Agis said that he'd
kill me if I didn't do everything he said.

GABRIELLE
I suppose none of this is your fault, is it?

MEG
I didn't say that. It's all my fault. My whole stinkin'
life's my fault.

GABRIELLE
You know, I shouldn't feel for you, but you just, you
look so much like my best friend.

MEG
I don't want your pity. I've been on my own since I
was ten years old. I'm tougher inside than you'll
ever be.

GABRIELLE
Since you were ten?

MEG
My father died in childbirth.

GABRIELLE
Your father died in childbirth.

MEG
Yeah, he got drunk and fell off the roof when I was
being born. I always wondered what it would be
like to have a father. Bet you had a good father.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, I--I guess I did. But what about your mother?

MEG
One of her boyfriends liked me too much. So I
ran away from home. And then I found out the
next year that--that she had died and--and I was
real sorry that I hadn't gone back to say good-bye.
She was a rotten mother, you know? She was
fun. Anyways, I loved her. God, I hate it when I
get like this.

Meg leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena pours a drink, but Agis knocks it out of her hand.

AGIS
This is not a party! Will you get that into your head
while it's still attached to your shoulders?! Now
that Diana's on the loose, there's only one thing to do.

XENA
What's that?

AGIS
Kill the King. You can't assume the throne until
he's dead. As long as we have the baby, Diana
and Xena won't do anything. Lias is still surrounded
by loyal palace guards. I want you to take him
some poison.

XENA
No.

AGIS
What?

XENA
No. I mean, uh, poison is too slow. You can never
be sure if it's going to do the job. I should...I should
stab him. I could hide the knife under the
baby's blanket and pretend I was taking the little
tyke to see the old buzzard.

AGIS
That's good. I like that. (to a guard) Go get the baby.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg sits on the bed, Gabrielle watching her. Lias enters.

GABRIELLE
Are you all right?

LIAS
No. Why haven't you been to see me?

MEG
Sorry, father, I've been bothered by some things.

LIAS
Well, nothing can give the last few days of my life
more worth than to be able to comfort you.

MEG
I don't think you'd understand.

LIAS
Ah, my sweet, we've always shared our hopes, our
reams, our pains. Don't draw away from me now.
If your soul has been darkened, let my love bring
some light to you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The baby is brought in.

AGIS
Here it is.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Hah! Xena! Let's take the baby!

AGIS
Get the baby out of here.

The soldiers run out with the baby.

JOXER
The baby! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, oh!

AGIS
Hey Meg! He thinks you're Xena. Kill the idiot!

JOXER
No! No, no!

Xena fights them.

JOXER
I brought your sword.

XENA
Come on, idiot!

JOXER
The name's Joxer.

They run out.

AGIS
Come on! This way! It's quicker!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg lays her head on the Lias' shoulder. Agis, Alcibiades and soldiers enter.

GABRIELLE
Uh-oh.

MEG
What are you doing? It's me, Meg.

AGIS
Then prove it.

He draws a dagger.

AGIS
Kill him.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Meg holds the dagger at Lias' throat.

AGIS
Do it! Go on! Do it! You heard me. Kill him, you
slag! Do it!

Meg holds the dagger on Agis.

MEG
No and neither will you.

AGIS
How dare you?

Xena ululates and runs in.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

Xena fights.

GABRIELLE
Duck!

Meg gets Lias out. Joxer, Gabrielle and Xena fight.

JOXER
Hah! Missed me! Missed me again! Woo!
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Well-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg helps Lias.

LIAS
You're not my daughter, are you?

MEG
Not officially.

LIAS
You're not Xena, either.

MEG
No.

LIAS
Amazing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg gets Lias to a bed.

MEG
You're on your own now, Pops.

Xena enters.

MEG
Your little friend just kicked my butt. What chance
do you think I stand against you? Why don't you
just kill me? Go on get it over and done with.

XENA
No, because I want you to stay here and take care
of the king.

MEG
No. No, see, you must not have been paying
attention. I'm no good.

XENA
You got the king to safety, I saw you.

MEG
Yeah, well that was my one good deed for the
year. Believe me, you don't want to be leaving
anybody's life in my hands. I'm a low-life.

XENA
I don't care what you've done in your past. Do
good now and you are good. Lock the door
behind me when I leave, and cover him up. A
chill now could kill him.

Xena leaves.

LIAS
You look so like my daughter. It's remarkable.

MEG
Yes, three women who look so much alike, and
yet inside, so different. One's a warrior and one's
a Princess and...one's a tramp.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nurse hums to the baby. Agis enters.

NURSE
Wait, no!

The baby is taken away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lias rests.

MEG
And then I lived in Athens for a while. I actually
did some honest work there. I was a cook. And
you know, I have quite a touch when it comes
to spices. You like spicy foods, Kingy? King Lias?
King Lias!

He is asleep, not looking well.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another room in the castle.

AGIS
Put a rope up on that chandelier! Tie the basket.

The rope is put up, and tied to the basket. Diana enters in Xena's armour.

DIANA
Hold it right there!

She draws a sword.

DIANA
I'm coming to get that baby. And anyone who tries
to stop me is going to eat my sword.

She spins her arm and the sword slips out of her hands and hits her toe. She draws her chakram.

DIANA
Oh! But wait! I still have my...round killing thing.

ALCIBIADES
It's Diana!

AGIS
Get her. Run that basket up on the rope!

Diana is captured. The baby is brought up over the fire.

DIANA
Just give me back my baby and then you can
go in peace!

AGIS
Tie it off. Now, we'll see if she gives us what we need.

Meg enters in Xena's armour.

MEG
Hold it, right there! In the blink of an eye I can
split the skull of anyone who moves with my
trusty...shamrock.

She moves to throw it, but it breaks in half.

AGIS
Grab her. It's Meg!

Meg is caught. Xena flips in with a yell, wearing the dress.

XENA
Guess which one I am.

The baby is dropped. Xena grabs the rope holding the baby up.

XENA
Give me that.

Joxer enters and joins the fight.

JOXER
What's going on? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

XENA
Stay down.

Xena ties the baby to the warrior and kicks him to the ground, moving the baby away from the fire. Xena, and Joxer fight the warriors.

JOXER
I'm glad that's over.

Gabrielle enters and joins the fight. Meg fights.

XENA
Gab, the baby!

Philemon enters.

EXTRA
We're too much for them.

The baby is sent flying.

GABRIELLE
Try to catch him!

JOXER
The b--baby.

Diana catches her child. The warriors have been defeated. Philemon joins Diana.

MEG
Hey, Princess! I just came from seeing your father.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters.

LIAS
Which one are you?

XENA
I'm Xena.

Philemon and Diana enter and stand at the King's bed.

LIAS
Diana?

DIANA
Oh, Papa!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Meg wait at the door.

MEG
I sure hope he pulls through. He's a good man.
I might even write him from jail. If I knew how to write.

GABRIELLE
Well, if it were up to me, I'd give you another
chance. I'd set you free.

MEG
Yeah, you're a softy.

Xena and Philemon join them.

XENA
He's going to be fine. He may live on for years, yet.

PHILEMON
Meg, he wants to talk to you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg moves to Lias' bed with Philemon.

LIAS
They told me about the plot you were mixed up in.
You were right. You've done some very bad things.

MEG
Well, I told you, I'm trash.

LIAS
Stop it. I don't ever want to hear anyone say
things like that about my personal cook.

MEG
You're not kidding me, are you, Kingy?

LIAS
Not at all. Oh, by the way, I do like spices.

MEG
Well, I'm about as spicy as you can get! Thanks,
King Lias. I won't let you down.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside, at the gates. Meg is wearing a dress.

EXTRA
Set it up over there.

MEG
So, so long Xena.

XENA
Goodbye, Meg.

MEG
It was fun being you for a while.

XENA
Just don't do it again in a hurry.

GABRIELLE
Hey, Meg! Learn to read so I can write to you.

MEG
Yeah, maybe I'll just do that.

JOXER
Get, get going, get going.

Xena and Gabrielle leave.

JOXER
Well, um, so long, Meg.

MEG
So long, Joxer. Ditch the broads and double back.
I'll leave the kitchen door open for you.

JOXER
Right.

Joxer leaves. Meg waves and spoons fall out of her dress. She covers them with sand.

JOXER
Hey, Xena, Gabrielle, wait up! I uh, listen! I got
ome things to ah, attend to.

GABRIELLE
Fine.

JOXER
So, I won't be able to join you.

GABRIELLE
That's okay.

JOXER
You sure? 'Cause I know how much you need a
real warrior to watch your back, you know?

XENA
Joxer, she won't wait forever.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Diana
Lucy Lawless as Meg
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Chris Bailey as Agis
Iain Rea as Philemon
Norman Forsey as King Lias
Simon Fa'amoe as Alcibiades
Collette Pennington as Nurse
Tai Hadfield as Guard
Tim Faville as Barfly #1
Lawrence Wharerau as Barfly #2

Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.