Been There Done That


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Hilary J. Bader


TEASER

Village.

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A rooster crows.

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The rooster crows again. Xena awakens. Joxer enters the stable.

JOXER
Rise and shine everyone, rise and shine.

Gabrielle sits up from her pile of hay.

GABRIELLE
I'll rise, I refuse to shine.

JOXER
Yeah? Well, I got us breakfast. Goose eggs.

A horseshoe hits Joxer in the head and then it falls into his hat, breaking the eggs and covering him with yolk.

EDOS
Sweet Equestra! I'm-I--I hope I didn't hit anything.

GABRIELLE
Huh! Nothing important.

XENA
That reminds me. You know a place I can get
my horse shod?

EDOS
Yeah, there's a blacksmith, over on the other side
of town. He can fix you up a set. And I can shoe
her right here. But he's from a rival house, so
you'll have to go and pick them up yourself.

XENA
Fine. I'll see you in the afternoon.

Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer leave.

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Outside.

GABRIELLE
Hey, Xena. I think I'll get some goose eggs for
the road.

JOXER
Oh, can I go with you? I mean, uh, you know, it's
a dangerous town and, um, it might not be safe.

GABRIELLE
You're right. Xena should go.

JOXER
Why? You think I can't handle it? Hey, I'm the one
who got us those goose eggs to begin with! I
mean, if you want a big goose egg, I'm your man.

He almost walks off the edge of unfinished stairs.

JOXER
E-e-e! Big drop. Big. I think I'll take surface streets.

XENA
What're you gonna do when he finds out you
don't like goose eggs?

TYBELUS
(to Neron) What jackass taught you people how
to drive a cart?!

Xena and Gabrielle look at the two but move on.

NERON
I heard about Casca, Tybelus. It was a terrible accident!

TYBELUS
There are no accidents between the house of
Menos and the house of Lycost!

They draw swords.

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Xena and Gabrielle walk down the street. Neron, Tybelus and Joxer are heard.

NERON
I don't wanna fight you, Tybelus.

TYBELUS
Defend yourself.

JOXER
Let me interject. Menos-

XENA
Joxer.

JOXER
Lycost-

XENA
Joxer!

JOXER
What's in a name?!

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Xena and Gabrielle run into the square to see Joxer standing before Tybelus and Neron.

XENA
Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, I thought you were getting those eggs.

Joxer turns to face her.

GABRIELLE
Joxer.

Joxer holds up his hand to reveal blood. He collapses into Gabrielle's arms, dead.

GABRIELLE
Joxer! Joxer, come on. Joxer.

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Xena sings "Burial." Joxer's body burns on a floating pyre in the river.

GABRIELLE
Xena, I shouldn't have sent him after those goose eggs.

XENA
Gabrielle, Joxer died a hero, just like he always
wanted. There's no blame here.

Neron and Hermia watch.

XENA
Hey, come here. Maybe we should get some
rest, hmm?

GABRIELLE
No, I don't think I can.

XENA
Yeah, sure you can. Come on.

They lie down and Gabrielle cradles next to Xena.

XENA
Sleep now. It'll hurt less in the morning.

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The sun rises.

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The rooster crows.

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The rooster crows again and Xena awakes in the stable.

XENA
Gabrielle.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise and shine everyone, rise and shine.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Joxer moves into the stable.

XENA
Joxer. Joxer? You should be dead.

JOXER
True. A man like me should have died a thousand
times, if not for my prodigious skill and nerves
of steel. Yeah.

XENA
Come here, you!

Xena gives him a noogie.

JOXER
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

XENA
I had the strangest dream, last night.

JOXER
Oh?

Gabrielle rises from her pile of hay.

GABRIELLE
Rise and shine, yeah, yeah. I'll rise, but I refuse
to shine.

JOXER
Yeah? Well, I got us all breakfast. Goose eggs.

XENA
Step back.

Xena shoves Joxer back.

JOXER
Hey, you don't have to eat 'em.

A horseshoe lands on Joxer's foot.

JOXER
Ow! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! O-oh!
O-oh! O-oh!

EDOS
Sweet Equestra! I'm-I--I hope I didn't hit anything.

XENA
That was no dream.

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Outside.

JOXER
Well, as you know, Xena, we warriors always
have second sight. Always know when something's-

He trips.

GABRIELLE
Couldn't it have been a vision?

XENA
No, it was too real.

JOXER
Wait a minute. What if I'm dreaming?

GABRIELLE
Can you feel this?

She pinches his chest.

JOXER
Ow! Yes.

GABRIELLE
Then you're not dreaming. Xena, you're saying
that I forgot everything that happened yesterday?

XENA
You didn't just forget, it never happened to you.

GABRIELLE
Well, if it never happened, then what's to forget?

XENA
Today.

GABRIELLE
But today hasn't happened yet.

XENA
Well, it happened to me.

GABRIELLE
Yesterday.

XENA
No, the other today.

GABRIELLE
So you're saying that today is actually yesterday
for you, but, for us, today is today, because we
can't remember that yesterday was today, right?

XENA
Right.

GABRIELLE
Well, I don't get it.

JOXER
Oh, oh! I know. I know. Wait a minute. What if none
of this really is happening and, like, we're all
in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?

XENA
You don't even remember Joxer's death? The
sword plunged into his heart, his chest covered
with blood, his eyes staring blankly up at the sky.

Joxer faints.

XENA
We had a funeral for him. You cried over him.

Joxer stands.

JOXER
You cried over me?

GABRIELLE
I think I'll get some goose eggs for the road.

JOXER
I'll go with you.

XENA
No, wait. We stay together.

Tybelus and Neron are heard.

TYBELUS
What jackass taught you people how to drive a cart?!

NERON
I heard about Casca, Tybelus.

JOXER
Do you guys honestly think I'd be stupid enough
to step in between two guys with swords?

XENA and GABRIELLE
Yes.

NERON
It was a terrible accident! Two strangers got me-

XENA
I'll take care of this. You two wait in the alley.

JOXER
Alley? What is she talking about? I'm not going
in an alley! I'm Joxer the Mighty!

Gabrielle and Joxer move to the alley while Xena moves to deal with the sword fighters.

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Sword fighters.

TYBELUS
There are no accidents between the house of
Menos and the house of Lycost!

XENA
All right!

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Alley. Joxer plays with the horseshoe.

GABRIELLE
Hey, hey!

JOXER
Huh? Pretty good, right? Watch. Pretty good.
Watch this one.

He throws a horseshoe and hits Man #1 in the stomach.

JOXER
Sorry. O-oh!

MAN #1
Menos clod.

He shoves him into Man #2.

JOXER
Actually, we're not affiliated with Claud.

MAN #2
You insult my house?

JOXER
Well, it's not a bad house. Needs a little sweeping. O-oh!

The two draw swords.

JOXER
Oop! Whoa. Now let me just interject a little thought,
here. Menos, Lycost. What's in a name?

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Square.

EXTRA
What is it?

EXTRA
Some stranger's butting in.

XENA
Son of a bacchae!

Xena flips along.

EXTRA
What else is new?

The crowd is in Xena's way so she flips over them with a yell. She lands on Man #1's sword and Man #2 kills Man #1.

LORD LYCOST
Now, you're hiring mercenaries to do your killing.

LORD MENOS
We don't need strangers to do a job we're glad
to do ourselves.

LORD LYCOST
You realize, this means all-out war?

LORD MENOS
I relish it.

They draw their swords.

XENA
Sorry boys, there's been a change of plan.

Xena breaks their swords.

XENA
Now, go home! All of you, until you can play nice.

LORD LYCOST
This isn't over. (to Xena) Don't know you, but as
far as we're concerned, you're one of them, now.

They leave.

GABRIELLE
That was amazing. That was exactly like you said.
The swords, the duel? Only, you had a second
chance to save Joxer.

JOXER
Please, I had the situation totally under control.

XENA
Joxer may be still alive, but someone else is
dead. And there are a whole lot of angry people
in this village who consider us the enemy. So,
watch your step.

JOXER
Yeah, watch your step.

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The sun sets.

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Outside the stable. Xena finds the beaten Edos.

GABRIELLE
Next right, and we're home free.

XENA
What happened?!

EDOS
I--I wouldn't tell them which one was yours. So,
they killed them. They killed them all.

XENA
Argo?

Xena runs into the stable.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

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Xena enters the stable.

XENA
Argo?

Xena finds Argo dead (unseen to us) and sobs once.

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Xena sits before a fire. Gabrielle stands on the other side. Joxer enters.

JOXER
Xena, if this day really did happen again, just so
you could save me, then, in a way, Argo's death
is my fault.

He leaves.

XENA
You didn't kill Argo.

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The sun rises. The rooster crows.

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The rooster crows and Xena awakes in the stable. She looks over to see Argo.

XENA
Argo.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise and shine, everyone, rise and shine.

Gabrielle rises from her pile of hay.

GABRIELLE
I'll rise, but I refuse to shine.

XENA
Joxer, move.

JOXER
Why?

XENA
Just move.

JOXER
Why?

XENA
Forget it, don't move.

Joxer is hit with the horseshoe and he his head falls into his back.

JOXER
Ooh!

EDOS
Sweet Equestra! I'm-I-

EDOS and XENA
I hope I didn't hit anything.

GABRIELLE
Huh?

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Outside.

GABRIELLE
Poison dart.

XENA
It's not me. I am fine. The day is repeating itself.

GABRIELLE
Right. I hate it when that happens.

XENA
I'm telling you. This village is on the verge of an
all-out bloodbath. Something that happens
today, something that only I can control, causes it.

GABRIELLE
Xena, what makes you think that it's all up to you?

She feels Xena's head, but Xena bats her hand away.

GABRIELLE
Hey!

XENA
Look, I am the only one who can seem to remember!

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's assume you're
right, for the moment, about the feud. Well, there's
an easy way to end it. The enemy of my enemy
is my friend. If they had a common enemy, they'd
have to work together.

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
And who would that enemy be, huh?

JOXER
We are. Look, we declare our hatred of both houses.
Then, when they get together to kill us, we throw
down our weapons, and get them to join us in
peace. Oh, come on! It's a great plan! Look, I've
know lots of people who've bonded over their
mutual hatred of me. You two, for example.

GABRIELLE
Well, he's got a point. Hmm.

XENA
The best time to stop a fight is before it starts.
I just need to break this cycle somehow.

TYBELUS
Neron, I've been looking for you. What jackass
taught you people how to drive a cart?!

NERON
I heard about Casca, Tybelus.

They continue in subdued voices in the background.

XENA
Casca. I have to find out more about Casca and
save him. Then these two guys will have no reason
to go after one another. No fight means no duel,
means no bloodbath, means the day no longer
has to repeat itself. Yeah.

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The rooster crows.

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Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise and shine, everyone, rise and sh-

Xena hits him as she runs out.

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Elsewhere.

EXTRA
Here you go.

EXTRA
Good morning, Casca!

A cart rides towards Casca, an old man.

EXTRA
Yah, yah! Come on!

Xena runs in.

EXTRAS
Casca!

EXTRA
Look out!

Casca is too deaf to hear.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Xena saves Casca, but his hat falls off and is run over.

XENA
You all right?

CASCA
What? Speak up, girl.

XENA
Are you all right?

CASCA
Yeah, yeah. Look what they've done to my hat.
Damn Menos driver!

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Later. Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer move along. Joxer plays with a horseshoe.

GABRIELLE
Xena, every morning you wake up back in the stable.

XENA
That's right.

JOXER
Well what if you stayed awake all night? I mean,
like, I could stay up with you, and, even sing to you,
like, (singing) Go to sleep, Xe-e-na, the day is long-

XENA
Joxer! I have tried that! Thank you, Joxer, but, I
have tried everything, and I still wake up in the
stable, and it's still today.

GABRIELLE Xena, it just doesn't make sense. Who do you think-

XENA
It's not the Fates, it's not Ares, it's not something
that I ate.

She pulls her hair aside to reveal her neck.

XENA
No, I have no poison dart marks. I have no
Bacchae bites.

JOXER
Is that a hickey?

Xena turns away from Joxer and Gabrielle looks away with a guilty look.

XENA
Look, believe me, or don't believe me. It doesn't
matter. Today has happened before. Well, hopefully,
by saving Casca, it won't happen again.

TYBELUS
Neron, I've been looking for you. Keep your eyes
off my cousin. She wants nothing to do with you!

XENA
This feud is worse than I thought. These guys'll
find any excuse to fight.

NERON
Why not let her decide that, Tybelus?!

They draw swords and fight.

XENA
It's gonna take more than saving Casca to end
this kind of hate.

JOXER
You know, the enemy of my enemy-

Hermia screams.

XENA
Get Joxer to safety. Go!

Joxer and Gabrielle leave.

JOXER
I don't wanna go to an alley. This is stupid. I'm
a warrior.

Gabrielle and Joxer head into the alley.

XENA
Not the alley.

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The alley.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, no!

Xena runs in to find Gabrielle stabbed by Man #2.

XENA
Gabrielle! Gabrielle. Gabrielle!

She holds Gabrielle's body.

XENA
Gabrielle. It'll be all right, Joxer, it will. It has to be.

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A funeral pyre burns for Gabrielle.

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The rooster crows and Xena awakens in the stable. She reaches her hand into the pile of hay and Gabrielle yawns.

XENA
Gabrielle! Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Xena.

Xena hugs Gabrielle. Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise...

He sees Xena and Gabrielle hugging and drops his hat with the eggs.

JOXER
Group hug!

Joxer hugs Xena and Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Get off me, Joxer.

XENA
That's it, Joxer. Get off. Get off!

Xena kicks him away, but he hugs them again.

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Outside stable. Sound of Joxer getting hit.

JOXER
Oh! Ow!

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Outside. Joxer once more plays with the horseshoe.

XENA
Every day, the rooster crows, Joxer walks in, the
horseshoe falls, I save the old man, stop a duel
and then the whole thing starts all over again.

JOXER
Maybe it's the rooster.

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The rooster gets ready to crow.

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Xena throws her chakram.

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The rooster starts to crow and is hit and feathers fly everywhere.

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Xena lies down and sighs.

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The moon.

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The sun.

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The rooster crows and Xena awakens in the stable with a yell.

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Outside.

JOXER
But I don't know why we have to stay here.

XENA
Because I'm telling you to.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, sometimes, it's just best to do what Xena
says. She'll explain later. You will explain, right?

JOXER
I'm not staying anywhere, unless I know why. I'm
a man of many skills, you know?

XENA
Joxer, you're staying here, 'cause I need you to
stay here.

JOXER
Oh. O-oh! I get it! I'm a diversion, a decoy. Wait
a minute. Wouldn't it be better if I was over on
the other side of the court?

XENA
Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?

Joxer gulps.

GABRIELLE
Huh?

XENA
Hmm? Hmm.

JOXER
Could I speak to you privately?

XENA
He would crawl fifty miles on broken glass, just
to sweat in your shadow.

JOXER
Ix-nay on the ove-lay alk-tay.

XENA
Oh, yeah, he worships you like a goddess. Right,
Joxer? Stay here.

Xena leaves.

JOXER
Wow, she has really lost it.

He laughs.

GABRIELLE
Completely.

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The rooster crows. Xena rises.

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Xena stops Tybelus and Neron from fighting.

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Xena moves into the alley and stops Man #1 and Man #2 from fighting.

GABRIELLE
Xena, there's another fight across the square.

XENA
I stop one fight, and another one starts. It's a lot
easier to start a feud than to end one.

GABRIELLE
I don't get it. They worship the same god, suffer the
same hardships. I wish we had time to remind them.

XENA
I have all the time in the world.

Xena steps on a glass jar. She picks it p and smells it.

XENA
Night's bane. It's lethal stuff.

JOXER
You know, the enemy of my enemy is often
considered my friend.

XENA
Joxer, go ahead.

JOXER
Really?

XENA
Go ahead.

JOXER
Yeah, but you don't even...I knew this would happen
someday, you and me on the same wavelength.
Two great minds, one thought.

GABRIELLE
Only half a wit.

XENA
What have we got to lose?

JOXER
Right. Hear me, cowards! I...we are your true
enemies! We spit on your houses! We curse
your names. We laugh at your ancestors! Ah!
Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah! (to Xena and Gabrielle) Now'
when they bond.

A flood of archers enter and shoot arrows. Joxer screams.

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The rooster crows.

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Xena rises and Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise and shine, everyone.

Xena throws her chakram into Joxer's chest. Xena goes back to sleep. Gabrielle rises and moves to Joxer.

GABRIELLE
You...you killed him?! (to Joxer) Hey! Oh! Oh! Oh!

She tries to pull out the chakram.

GABRIELLE
Oh!

Xena rolls over and sucks her thumb as she goes back to sleep.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

The rooster crows.

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Xena puts on her chakram, checks the laces on her boots and picks up her sword. She has Joxer and Gabrielle gagged and tied up. Joxer struggles, while Gabrielle sits still. Xena leaves.

JOXER
Xena! (to Gabrielle) Help! Xena!

Joxer continues to mumble under the gag.

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Medicine hut.

XENA
So, you've treated both houses?

APOTHECARY
Treated, cured, buried. I'm the closest thing to
a doctor they have. What was it you wanted?

XENA
Night's bane.

APOTHECARY
It might help if I labeled them. Then again, I can't
read. You know what? The um, the um-

XENA
Night's bane?

APOTHECARY
Night's bane, yeah. It's missing.

XENA
Are you sure you didn't sell it?

APOTHECARY
A sale like that, I would not forget. It's lethal, you know?

XENA
Really?

APOTHECARY
Yeah, one sip of it and the next day, you're on a
one-way trip to Tartarus.

XENA
So, anyone drop dead lately?

APOTHECARY
Nope.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Altara's home.

ALTARA (voice-over)
Have one of my muffins.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

XENA
Ah, thank you.

Xena takes one.

ALTARA
Go on.

Xena takes a bite and it crunches.

XENA
Mmm, they're lovely.

ALTARA
Good.

XENA
So, it must be hard being a midwife in a town that
teaches kids to hate right from birth, hmm?

ALTARA
It's not easy, that's true. Still, I've been bringing
Menos' babies into the world now for more than
forty years.

XENA
Ah, must have some stories, huh?

ALTARA
That I have, young woman; that I have. Now, you
eat that up and I'll tell you some stories.

Xena reluctantly takes another bite.

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The rooster crows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer entetrs.

XENA
Rise and shine, everybody! Rise and shine!

Xena shoves Joxer on her way out of the stable.

JOXER
Hmm?

Gabrielle rises from her pile of hay.

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Later.

GABRIELLE
We've repeated the day that many times?

XENA
Yes.
GABRIELLE
But-

XENA
No, no, yes, no. I tried that. Yes, both ways. No,
I don't know. No, again. Are there any more questions?
Good.

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Tybelus and Neron fight.

TYBELUS
Keep your eyes off my cousin! She wants nothing
to do with you!

NERON
Why not let her decide that, Tybelus?!

XENA
Put your swords up. It is time to talk peace!

TIUS
Time to fill the streets with Lykos' blood, you mean!

Xena stops them.

XENA
They say that the man that kills his own brother
is cursed forever. Is that what you want, Tius?
Lenorus is also your father's son.

ALTARA
Yes, that's right.

EXTRA
Really?

EXTRA
Oh.

XENA
Get out of here.

PERION
I know who my ancestors are. My father was
almost run down today, because of the careless
driving of Menos scum.

XENA
Your father was almost run down, because he
was too deaf to hear the warnings.

CASCA
Eh? What did she say?

LORD LYCOST
Enough! We don't need lectures from a stranger.

XENA
Lycost, you nearly lost your wife and son in
childbirth, true?

LORD LYCOST
The midwife was sure they'd both die. But thank
the gods she was wrong.

XENA
It's not the gods you should thank. It's your enemies'
wife. While you were away, fighting wars, Lady
Menos came to your house and saved your wife
and son.

LORD LYCOST
She--she was a good woman.

LORD MENOS
Yes, she was.

XENA
Who hated this feud.

LORD MENOS
Maybe, she's right. Perhaps it's time we talked.

LORD LYCOST
Yes, perhaps it is.

LORD MENOS
How do you know so much about us? Are you
an oracle?

XENA
No, just someone with a lot of time on her hands.

LORD LYCOST
Menos.

The two leaders clasp arms. The crowd cheers.

GABRIELLE
Congratulations, Xena.

JOXER
Yeah.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, you just saved two lives. You stopped three
duels. You made peace between lifelong enemies.
It seems like you've changed everything that needs
changing, right?

JOXER
Right.

GABRIELLE
I bet this'll stop the day repeating.

JOXER
Yeah, you did great. Why don't we just go and relax,
and have a little party?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

XENA
Yeah, let's.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Neron holds a sobbing Hermia, who holds the bottle of Night's Bane.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rooster crows and Xena awakens with a scream. She falls back, kicking her legs, screaming and yelling and tossing hay about.

XENA
A-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h! You dirty, rotten-

She mumbles the rest of her yelling rant.

XENA
Ah.

She gets up from her bed in a huff.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later.

XENA
The first day, everything seems normal, well,
excepting that Joxer gets killed. The next day,
I fix that, and then Argo gets killed. On the
third day, I know that there was something I am
supposed to do, and that somehow, it's tied
in with this blood feud. So I find out all about the
old man getting hit by the cart, and I save him.
But, the fighting breaks out anyway, and Gabrielle
gets killed. Uh-h-h! Uh-h-h! So, somehow, I am
supposed to save the old man, stop everyone
else from getting killed, and make peace between
the two houses. It's too much. So, I find out every
stinking little thing there is to know about these
people, I save the old man, stop the fighting and
then use the information I've got to make peace
between the houses. And still, it isn't enough. I'm
missing something. I'm missing something small.
I think I know what it is. Thanks, I just needed to
say that out loud.

Xena leaves. Gabrielle and Joxer stare blankly after her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena finds Hermia.

XENA
Hey, give me that vial.

Neron watches.

XENA
It's Night's bane. When did you take this?

HERMIA
Just after sunrise.

XENA
So, you're the one who's been causing all this trouble.

Hermia leaves.

NERON
No, it's not her. It's me. And there's nothing you
can do. Her house is at the north end of town,
and the stables you're in are at the south. So,
no matter how fast you run-

XENA
I'll never get there in time to stop her.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Xena and Neron are sitting togther.

XENA
I still don't understand why she took the poison
in the first place.

NERON
Because we're in love. Only, since our families
hate each other, her father was gonna make her
marry someone else.

XENA
So, she decided to kill herself.

NERON
I had planned for us to elope, but when I told her
about them she began to cry.

XENA
She had already taken the Night's bane?

NERON
When the day was over, I couldn't face the thought
of life without her. So--so I prayed to Cupid for
help. "Hermia must die tomorrow," he said. But,
because my love for was true, he granted me
one wish.

XENA
Let me guess. Your wish was that tomorrow would
never come.

NERON
Yes! "The day will repeat," he said, "until a hero
comes who can fix everything." Save Hermia,
save me, and end this pointless feud.

XENA
So, when you saw me in the village, why didn't
you ask for help?

NERON
Well, frankly, I--I was expecting Hercules, or at
least Sinbad but, besides, I'm--I'm not allowed
to interfere.

XENA
So, now I've got to save Casca, stop the duel,
and keep Hermia from taking poison, right after
the rooster crows.

NERON
It's impossible. No matter how fast you run, there
just isn't enough time.

XENA
We'll see.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The moon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The stable that night.

XENA
Well, we better get some rest. Today is going to
be a very busy day, tomorrow. Small joke. Night.

Xena goes to sleep while Joxer and Gabrielle who have not moved all day look at each other.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rooster crows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise and shine, everyone, rise and-

Xena hits him on her way out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hermia drinks the night's bane. Xena flips in and Hermia runs off.

XENA
Damn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone in the village fights. Xena hangs from the arches and judges an angle with her thumb.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone fights while Xena measures a wall with her sword.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone fights, while Xena continues to measure.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

She runs up to Xena.

GABRIELLE
Xena! You have to stop them!

XENA
Been there, done that, didn't work.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
I am real busy, here. Go play with Joxer.

She shoves Gabrielle into Joxer.

JOXER
Don't worry, she's gone, but, you can still be my
sidekick. Whoa!

A man attacks Gabrielle. Xena is atop the open stable door and judges an angle with her sword.

GABRIELLE
I could use some help!

Gabrielle is knocked aside. Joxer moves to fight the man.

JOXER
Step aside! I'm gonna put some moves on this guy.

He draws his daggers and tries to show off, but loses them.

JOXER
Ooop!

The man knocks out Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

Gabrielle fights the man, but Xena runs in and take her staff.

XENA
Thanks!

GABRIELLE
Hey!

XENA
I'll give it right back!

Xena judges some more angles with Gabrielle's staff. Gabrielle battles the man.

GABRIELLE
Xena! I could use that staff!

XENA
That oughtta do it. Gabri-

She sees Gabrielle trying to avoid being hit. She tosses her, her staff.

XENA
Sorry.

Gabrielle fights the man.

XENA
Good girl.

Xena checks an angle one last time with her fingers and moves off. Gabrielle looks around the village to see everyone knocked out or dead, spread all over the place on roofs, hanging off ledges, or lying on the ground.

GABRIELLE
Oh my god.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rooster crows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer tosses an egg and catches it. He whistles as he walks to the door of the stable. As he is about to enter, Xena exits, hitting him with the door.

XENA
Morning, Joxer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The chakram flies through town.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cart rides towards Casca.

EXTRA
Yah! Come on!

The chakram knocks off Casca's hat and he turns around to pick it up, and so the cart misses him.

CASCA
Eh?

EXTRA
Yah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The chakram flies through town.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hermia moves to drink the night's bane, but the chakram flies in and breaks the bottle. Neron enters and holds her.

NERON
Hermia.

The chakram ricochets two more times (a total of thirty-three hits) and Xena lands, catching it.

NERON
Now, can you make peace between our houses?

XENA
Just you try and stop me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Square.

LORD MENOS
Maybe she's right. Perhaps it is time we talked.

LORD LYCOST
Yes, perhaps it is. Menos.

They clasp arms and the crowd cheers.

NERON
I think now I'll be able to ask Hermia's father for
her hand in marriage.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, I'm betting he'll say yes.

NERON
Xena, thank you. Now, we can all look forward
to tomorrow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rooster crows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rooster crows and Xena awakens in the stable. Joxer enters.

JOXER
Rise and shine, everyone, rise and shine.

Gabrielle rises from her pile of hay.

GABRIELLE
I'll rise, but I refuse to shine.

JOXER
Yeah, well I got us breakfast...turnips.

XENA
Turnips?

She stands.

XENA
Did you say turnips?

She hugs and kisses Joxer.

JOXER
Now, there's a woman who really likes her vegetables.

GABRIELLE
Xena, are you all right? All right, what's going on?

XENA
Life, Gabrielle, life! Life is going on at last!
Gabrielle, you've gotta, um, I don't know, seize
the day! 'Cause, who knows? Tomorrow may never come!

Joxer is hit in the head with a hammer and he falls. Xena and Gabrielle laugh.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Joseph Murray as Neron
Deverik Williams as Tybelus
Rebekah Davies as Hermia
John McKee as Lord Menos
Norman Fairley as Lord Lycost
Marek Summich as Edos
Norman Forsey as Casca
Rodney Cooke as Man #1
Campbell Rousselle as Man #2
Neill Duncan as Perion
John Glass as Tius
Mary Woodward as Altara
John Smythe as Apothecary

Written by: Hilary J. Bader
Directed by: Andrew Merrifield

Disclaimer: The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and mousse straightened out the mess.