Fins, Femmes & Gems


TEASER

Aphrodite's temple.

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Aphrodite appears in her temple, headphones on her head. She dances to the music.

APHRODITE
O-oh! Whoo! Uh-huh, uh-huh.

She takes off headphones.

APHRODITE
Let's see what I got today. Need it. Got it. Hate it.
Can always hock it. Grody! Uh! Tsk. Why do
these mortal types always give me fish?! I hate fish!

MAECANUS
This way!

He enters with his men.

MAECANUS
Aphrodite. It is my honour to be able to-

APHRODITE
Yadda, yadda, yadda. Did you get it, or not?

Maecanus hands her a pouch. She opens it to find the Mystic Diamond.

APHRODITE
So this is the Mystic Diamond, huh? Nice one.
O-oh! Too bad I can't keep it!

MAECANUS
What? Then why did I just-

APHRODITE
Duh! It's a star from the night sky. I
gotta show this off. This little baby is destined to
become the center of my constellation. Hmm.
Now, take it to my priest in Parnassus. He's gonna
shoot it into the night sky for me.

MAECANUS
I'll put it up there for you right now, most beautiful
of goddesses. Tie your gem on my arrow, so my
shaft can bring you...satisfaction.

Aphrodite giggles.

APHRODITE
I do believe your sweaty, smelly leader is flirting
with the Goddess of Love.

She breaks his arrow.

APHRODITE
You don't have the thrust. Besides, my guy in
Parnassus has better equipment. And he knows
the right time to shoot. It's got something to do
with some astrological stuff that gives me a headache.
Now, go! To Parnassus! Gotta be there by nightfall!

MAECANUS
Yes, my goddess. There's just one small problem.

APHRODITE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Xena and her pesky posse's
right behind ya. Don't sweat it, I gotcha covered.

A bottle appears in her hands.

APHRODITE
I call it 'Obsession.' One whiff, and whatever you're
thinking about at that minute turns into an overwhelming
obsession. Cool, huh? Now, go! Uhhh, out the
back door.

MAECANUS
This way. Let's go.

Maecanus and his men leave. Aphrodite disappears. Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer enter.

GABRIELLE
How could Aphrodite steal the North Star?

XENA
She stole the Mystic Diamond from the temple
of the heavens. Unless we get its powers back
before nightfall, the North Star will go out, and the
world will be in for some serious turmoil.

JOXER
You mean, things that go bump in the night really
will go bump in the night?

XENA
All travelers on land and sea look to the North
Star as a guide. The Mystic Diamond's powers
will keep it shining.

GABRIELLE
Xena, there's no sign of Maecanus.

XENA
Let's look around and see if they've stashed it
someplace. Check over here.

Aphrodite is there, but unseen to them.

APHRODITE
Hmm. Mmm!

Joxer looks at a picture.

JOXER
What's this?

GABRIELLE
That's the story of Attus; the ape-man and the
Princess Gaea. Hmm, it's a beautiful love story.

JOXER
Hmm. Ape-man. Hmm.

Aphrodite blows some obsession on Joxer. Gabrielle looks at a picture of two people on the wall.

GABRIELLE
That's not humanly possible.

XENA
Sure it is.

GABRIELLE
They say that the paintings of women in Aphrodite's
temple represent her many phases, right? Well,
based on this, I'd have to say that she's pretty
full of herself.

Aphrodite walks over.

APHRODITE
Oh, really?

Gabrielle is looking in a mirror. Aphrodite blows obsession on her. Gabrielle sighs.

GABRIELLE
Pretty!

XENA
They've probably headed for Parnassus. The
priest there is an expert astrologer. Who knows
what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him to
do with it?

Xena picks up a fish.

APHRODITE
Nice! Double dose for you, Warrior Babe.

XENA
Hmm, a walleye.

Aphrodite giggles.

APHRODITE
Big mistake. You're never getting that smell off
your hands now.

Aphrodite blows obsession on Xena.

XENA
I've got it. I know what to do. The North Star is on
the verge of extinction. The fate of the whole world
lies in our hands. We've got no choice. We're
going fishing.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena flies a kite.

GABRIELLE
It's beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Don't you
think it's beautiful? The way it dips and curves?

XENA
It's not supposed to dip and curve. The parchment
has to stay still up there.

GABRIELLE
Parchment? Uh, no, no, the cloud behind it. Don't
you think it looks like my nose? You know, the
way it dips down, and has that cute little curve
to the side?

XENA
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, that clip is supposed
to release when you tug on that line. Go on,
grab it.

GABRIELLE
Huh. Mm-hmm. Waste of my time.

XENA
Go ahead.

Gabrielle reaches for it, but it flies out of reach.

GABRIELLE
Uh, very funny. Fortunately, I have a brilliant
sense of humour.

XENA
Gabrielle!

Gabrielle tries again, but the line moves out of reach.

GABRIELLE
Xena, if you think I'm gonna waste my time jumping
up and down for flying parchment-

XENA
It is not a waste of time! I'm trying to test-oh!
Oh, ha-ha, excuse me. I, uh, I didn't wanna
make you feel uncomfortable.

GABRIELLE
Uncomfortable? Me? What are you talking about?!

XENA
Well, yeah, you know, about your, uh, your little
problem, your height?

GABRIELLE
You want me to catch your silly clip, do ya? Fine.
I'll show you height.

She jumps.

GABRIELLE
Uh! Got it! Now, what?

The kite falls on her.

GABRIELLE
Oh.

Xena pulls it off of her.

GABRIELLE
Ow!

XENA
Needs some minor adjustments. I can make
'em up at the lake.

Joxer tastes a stick.

GABRIELLE
Hey, is that Joxer?

JOXER
Mmm. Bug.

Joxer eats the bug.

GABRIELLE
That is so disgusting. Xena, he's been acting
very strange. I don't think we should be seen in
public with him.

XENA
He's acting strange because something happened
to him at the temple. Aphrodite must have put
some kind of a spell on him. Now he's obsessed
with that silly story about the ape-man. You know,
you got the obsession thing, too.

GABRIELLE
Excuse me?

XENA
Ooh, yeah.

GABRIELLE
What am I obsessed with?

XENA
You. Your opinion of yourself is flying higher
than my parchment.

Gabrielle chuckles.

GABRIELLE
That's ridiculous! Xena, my opinion of myself has
not changed one iota since-

Xena draws her sword, and Gabrielle checks herself out in it.

GABRIELLE
Oh. Oh, yeah, lookin' good.

XENA
Yeah.

Xena puts her sword away.

GABRIELLE
All right. Um, if we're all obsessed with something,
what about you? What are you obsessed with?

XENA
Well, that's the good news. I haven't been affected
by the spell, so I can still take care of business.
So, let's fish. Joxer.

JOXER
Huh?

XENA
Move it. And bring some of whatever it is you're
eating. Might be good bait.

JOXER
Uh. Okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They move along.

GABRIELLE
I still don't see why we didn't bring Argo. I'm getting
calluses, perfect calluses.

XENA
I let Argo roam free for a while. I need to concentrate
totally
on the mission at hand.

GABRIELLE
Is that the diamond?

XENA
Yeah, and the diamond.

GABRIELLE
You know, Xena? I've been thinking of rewriting
the scroll.

XENA
Whatever.

GABRIELLE
It just doesn't have a point of view. You know, it
needs more verve, more character, more...more
of me. It doesn't sing to me like this. Actually, that's
a great idea. A scroll should be sung, not told.
(singing) Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle,
A cute little gal that's lookin' really swell.
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass
Nice round breasts and a firm young-

Xena claps her hand over Gabrielle's mouth.

XENA
Are you out of your mind?!

GABRIELLE
Too loud? Ar--are you worried we're gonna get
there and the fish'll be gone?

XENA
I'm worried we're gonna get there and the fish'll
be armed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They move to the water.

XENA
Oh, it's just the way I remember it. Amazing.

GABRIELLE
Really is. It's just wonderful. It's flawless. I feel
right at home here.

XENA
This is the ultimate fantasy.

GABRIELLE
I'm the ultimate fantasy.

JOXER
Uh-h-h-h-h.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle brushes her hair as they move over to a mountain side.

GABRIELLE
-four. Hundred and five. Hundred and six. What
are we doing here?

XENA
Just gonna alter the landscape a little.

GABRIELLE
Hundred and eight. Why?

XENA
You remember the Mystic Diamond?

GABRIELLE
Mm-hmm.

XENA
Well, Aphrodite thinks that what's happened to you
and to Joxer is gonna make me forget about it, but
no. No, I'm gonna get it back. And while I'm at it,
there's nothin' wrong with gettin' in a little fishing.

GABRIELLE
What does that have to do with the diamond?

XENA
This-

She holds up the chakram.

XENA
-is gonna cause an avalanche in the canyon.
And that'll force Aphrodite's henchmen to detour
around the lake.

Xena throws her chakram and causes a rockslide.

JOXER
O-o-oh, o-oh! O-o-oh, o-oh!

XENA
There, that oughtta do it.

JOXER
He! He! He! Ho! Ho!

XENA
And now it's time for a little fun. Come on!

GABRIELLE
A hundred and...

She loses count.

GABRIELLE
One.

JOXER
O-oh!

GABRIELLE
Two.

JOXER
O-oh!

GABRIELLE
Three.

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At the lake. Xena takes off her armour and leather.

XENA
This is gonna be the best thing of your young
lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let's get wet!

She jumps in.

XENA
Come on, Gabrielle! Get your gear off!

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
You'd like that, wouldn't you?

JOXER
Hh-h-h-h-h-h.

GABRIELLE
No, I'm sorry Joxer, I take off my clothes, I could
kill you. Beauty can do that. Did I just say that?
Is Xena right? Have I gone too far? Am I obsessed
with myself? No! What's not to like?! Right?!

JOXER
Yeah.

Gabrielle hits Joxer.

JOXER
O-oh! O-oh. O-oh, uh, uh, uh, o-oh?

XENA
Oh, Gabrielle?! Come here, I wanna show you
something.

GABRIELLE
Well, you're gonna have to show me from here.
This little minx is staying on dry land.

Xena dives under the water.

JOXER
Uh! Uh!

GABRIELLE
Xena?

Xena comes up, a fish on her fist.

XENA
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

GABRIELLE
You have a fish, wrapped around your finger.

Xena throws the fish into a bag.

XENA
Yeah. Gabrielle, I forgot how much fun this is.
Come on, give it a try. It's easy!

GABRIELLE
What do you do?

XENA
All you have to do is, ya--ya stick your hand underneath
the water, and ya feel around 'til ya find a great,
big, succulent fish. And then you do this.

She wiggles her fingers.

XENA
You wiggle your fingers so it looks like bait and
then, whammo!

GABRIELLE
You punch it in the face?

Xena nods.

GABRIELLE
Why would I want to do that?

XENA
Because it's fun!

GABRIELLE
Right, ramming my fist down the throat of an
innocent, little fish. It's not my idea of fun.

XENA
Well, don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

Xena goes back under, and comes up with a fish on either hand.

XENA
Twins! Ha-ha!

Xena throws the fish into the bag and then swims to shore.

XENA
Gotcha, gotcha, and now I'm gonna eatcha. Hey,
Gabrielle, why don'tcha give it a try, huh? I'm gonna
go gut these.

GABRIELLE
She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say
it, much less do it.

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Xena, you just don't realize how primitive you
really are.

JOXER
Oh! Oh! Uh! Oh! Oh!

GABRIELLE
She just doesn't appreciate the truly great
work of art that I am.

JOXER
O-oh! O-oh! Uh!

Gabrielle looks at her relfection in the water.

GABRIELLE
And who is that that I see before my eyes? Oh-h, yeah.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer picks a bug out of his hair.

JOXER
Wiggly food.

Joxer eats it, and Xena walks in.

XENA
Okay, you take care of these. I'm gonna start
a fire.

Xena leaves.

JOXER
Uh! Uh! Hmm?

He picks up a fish.

JOXER
Ah! Ah! I, Attus, King of Trout and ruler of its peoples.
I set you free. Uh huh?

The fish talks to him.

JOXER
Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You tell good joke, trout-brother.
But now, I must have tribute. Go! Swim! Be free!

He puts the fish back into the lake.

JOXER
Go! Go!

Xena grabs Joxer.

XENA
Now, you listen to me, monkey-man. You ever
do that again, and you'll find my fist down your
throat! Gabrielle and I didn't come-

She looks about to see no Gabrielle.

XENA
Gabrielle?! Gabrielle?!

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Xena scans the water.

XENA
Gabrielle? Where is she? Gabrielle? Gabrielle!
I'm coming! Hang on!

Xena dives into the water.

JOXER
Huh? Huh, huh?

XENA
Gabrielle?

JOXER
Aw!

XENA
Gabrielle?!

Xena dives under the water.

JOXER
O-oh! Oh-h! Ah!

Xena comes up with Gabrielle.

JOXER
Uh. Uh. Whoo-hoo--ha! Uh. O-oh! O-oh! O-oh!
Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Xena moves to give Gabrielle mouth-to-mouth, but Gabrielle spits out water at Xena.

GABRIELLE
Not the lips!

JOXER
Huh? Huh?

GABRIELLE
Please, they chap so easily.

XENA
Wha...just what were you doing out there?

GABRIELLE
Uh, I was, oh! I was trying to kiss my reflection
in the water. I couldn't resist it. I leaned over and
I tried to press my lips-

XENA
And you fell in. Any fish down there?

GABRIELLE
It was like, my reflection embraced me.

JOXER
Uh.

GABRIELLE
I sank into it. I was surrounded by it. And then
you...you pulled me up, and I looked into your eyes,
and Xena, I finally realized there can only be one
person for me in my life.

XENA
Well?

GABRIELLE
Me!

Xena leaves.

GABRIELLE
Hey, I let you save me!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer scratches his back on a rock.

JOXER
Uh! O-oh! O-oh! Uh! O-oh! Uh! Uh!

GABRIELLE
Oh-h, my, where's my brush? Joxer.

JOXER
Huh?

GABRIELLE
Can you hear me?

Joxer sees Gabrielle as an ape-woman.

GABRIELLE
Oh. Oh. Oh.

JOXER
Huh?

GABRIELLE
Oh. You mighty man-monkey.

JOXER
Hmmm.

GABRIELLE
She-monkey need you!

JOXER
Uhh.

Gabrielle brushes her hair.

GABRIELLE
Good. Here's the problem. Aphrodite has enchanted
you. That's obvious. Xena thinks that I've been
enchanted but I haven't.
JOXER
Huh?

GABRIELLE
I'm really worried about her.

Joxer gulps.

JOXER
Huh?

GABRIELLE
You see, I've never seen her so focused on
fishing before.

JOXER
Uh.

GABRIELLE
Joxer?

Joxer sees Gabrielle as ape-woman.

GABRIELLE
Oh-oh-oh! Ah-h! Ah-h!

Joxer chews on a leaf, and Gabrielle looks at him.

GABRIELLE
Have you understood anything that I've said?

Joxer nods.

JOXER
Ar-ar-r.

GABRIELLE
Great.

JOXER
Uh!

GABRIELLE
That's okay. Hmm.

Joxer sees Gabrielle as ape-woman.

GABRIELLE
Ah-h! Me love Attus! Me love him!

JOXER
Hmm, uh.

Gabrielle walks around.

GABRIELLE
I'll just use my superior intelligence-

Joxer sees Gabrielle as ape-woman.

GABRIELLE
Me love Attus! O-oh, o-oh, o-oh, o-oh.

Normal Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
-and overall good judgment in all situations to
handle this.

Joxer sees Gabrielle as ape-woman.

GABRIELLE
Zug-zug!

JOXER
Hmm?

GABRIELLE
Zug-zug, now!

JOXER
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
Ah-h! Ah-h!

JOXER
Ah! Ah!

Gabrielle decides what she needs to do.

GABRIELLE
I'll speak with Xena.

JOXER
O-oh! O-oh! O-oh! Ah! Mmm! Oh! Oh! Oh-h!

Joxer moves to get Gabrielle, but as he jumps, she moves out of the way. He punches the ground.

JOXER
Uh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena moves over to the lake.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena remembers when she and Lyceus were kids.

YOUNG LYCEUS
Cut it out, Xena!

YOUNG XENA
Lyceus, I've got a bite!

They take their poles. A big fish leaps out of the water.

YOUNG LYCEUS
Wow.

YOUNG XENA
Look Lyceus-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Present.

XENA
-it's Solaris.

GABRIELLE
Xena! I have something really important I need
to speak to you about. Do these boots work with
this skirt?

Xena hugs Gabrielle, draws a dagger and cuts off a piece of her hair.

GABRIELLE
Ow! You cut my hair?

XENA
Uh-huh.

GABRIELLE
My little, golden fleece?

XENA
It's perfect.

GABRIELLE
Of course, it's perfect. It's my hair.

Xena ties the hair onto a hook.

XENA
And the colour is gonna work just beautifully with this.

GABRIELLE
A bent nail? You cut my hair to put a wig on a bent nail?

XENA
It is not a bent nail. It's a hook. Look, I disguise it with your hair, attach it to my flying parchment, and we got him.

GABRIELLE
Who's "Him"?

XENA
Solaris.

GABRIELLE
Who's Solaris?

XENA
A fish that Lyceus and I discovered when we were
kids. He's wily, Gabrielle. He's smart, he's cunning,
he's a great opponent. Every time that Lyceus
or I would catch him, he would find a way to escape.
But this time, no.

GABRIELLE
Well, that's fine, except for one thing.

XENA
What's that?

GABRIELLE
You're not sacrificing my hair for a fish.

Gabrielle walks away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle tries to reattach her hair, while Xena mopes beside her. Gabrielle hands Xena the hair.

XENA
Thanks. It really is amazing how much like
Lyceus' hair it is. I'm sure Solaris will go for it. I've
got to make him think that he's alone. Huhh, a
regular fishing pole won't cut it. Nope, we gotta
reduce line drag. That's why, when we attack,
we do it from the air.

GABRIELLE
Xena, why don't I just find some local villagers?
I'll lure them in with my eloquent speech, snap
my fingers and you can have any fish that you want.

XENA
No one catches Solaris but me.
Joxer swings naked behind them.

GABRIELLE
Hmm. Do you ever get the feeling that we're
forgetting something really important?

XENA
That diamond thing.

GABRIELLE
(whispers) The diamond.

XENA
Yeah, you see, your obsession keeps you from
remembering very important things.

GABRIELLE
My obsession?

XENA
You can't see the fish for the lake. We only
have a very limited time to get the Mystic Diamond
back. Remember that.

GABRIELLE
So, what do you wanna do, track these guys down?

XENA
Before we catch Solaris? Are you outta
your mind?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maceanus and his men come across the rockslide.

MAECANUS
This wasn't here, before.

THUG #1
It must've been an avalanche.

MAECANUS
Your talents are wasted as a thug. You should've
been an astronomer.

THUG #1
I don't know anything about rocks.

MAECANUS
All right! We'll have to make detour up around
the lake.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle stands on the dock, holding up the kite.

XENA
Higher.

GABRIELLE
This okay?

XENA
Gabrielle, higher, please. For cryin' out loud.
All right. Now, let her go.

Gabrielle does.

XENA
Gabrielle? Okay, this time the clip should work.
Give it a pull!

Gabrielle pulls the clip and falls into the lake.

GABRIELLE
Yah!

Gabrielle crawls onto the dock.

XENA
It worked! It really worked!

GABRIELLE
What worked?! Trying to overshadow my dynamic
personality with some mud?! Has that been
the point to all this?

XENA
Huh?

GABRIELLE
It's beginning to make sense. Fishing. Solaris.

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Right. Now, I understand.

XENA
Understand what?

GABRIELLE
You're jealous. Of me.

XENA
That's ridiculous.

GABRIELLE
All this time, Xena, I've tried to let it go, you know?
And it hasn't been easy. I have tried to be humble
with you. But you're pushing too far.

XENA
Look-

Gabrielle puts two fingers in front of Xena's mouth.

GABRIELLE
No. Don't. I haven't seen this diamond. Yes! You
say that it's stolen, and I took your word for it! But
you bring me here, where no one can appreciate
my radiance! No one! No competition for you.
No and Solaris the fish? Please.

XENA
I brought you here 'cause I thought we could
enjoy a good day's fishing together.

GABRIELLE
There's no such thing as a good day's fishing.
A day without fish is good.

XENA
You know, you sounded just like my brother, Lyceus,
then. Huh, he used to argue with me about fishing!
Said he hated it, but I could tell. He had the same
fire in his eyes that you and I have got.

GABRIELLE
Uh-uh, unless your brother was an Adonis, he
and I are nothing alike. Isn't there anyone here
who can appreciate my specialness?!

Joxer swings down from the tress and lands next to Gabrielle.

JOXER
Ah-ah! Ah-ah! Ah-ah-h-h-h-h-h-h! O-oh! I Attus.
Attus appreciate.

GABRIELLE
Joxer?

JOXER
Don't speak. Attus take you as bride. Ah-ah! Ah-ah!
Ah-ah! He! He! He! Ao-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

They swing off.

XENA
Finally, a little peace and quiet.

Xena laughs.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Joxer swings along with Gabrielle.

JOXER
O-oh-o-oh-o-oh-o-oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! O-oh! O-oh-o-oh!
O-oh! O-oh!

GABRIELLE
Stop! Stop! Joxer, are you mad?!

JOXER
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
Let me go!

JOXER
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
Please, I'm getting dirty!

JOXER
Hmm.

He lets Gabrielle go, and she almost falls out of the tree.

GABRIELLE
Huh?! Huh! Huh!

JOXER
Hmm, hmm. Gaea, like Attus?

She looks down at Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Attus is quite a surprise!

JOXER
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
Here! Put something on. Please?

She offers him her bag.

JOXER
Hmm, Attus pleasure you with much furious
Zug-zug, first.

He licks her.

GABRIELLE
Uh!

He takes a pink garment out of Gabrielle's bag and starts to chew on it.

JOXER
Hmm, what this?

GABRIELLE
Oh, no, no, no, no, that's mine. A garment of this
quality can only adorn a perfect body.

Joxer yawns and stretches.

GABRIELLE
Put it on, quick.

JOXER
Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. It soft, like baby monkey.
Hmm. O-oh. O-oh-o-oh.

GABRIELLE
What?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena's kite falls to the ground.

XENA
Gabrielle! Monkey-man, you bring her back!
You know, you two are beginning to irritate me
with these obsessions of yours!

She throws down her kite.

XENA
Fish don't just catch themselves!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer leads Gabrielle along, wearing the pink garment.

GABRIELLE
Attus! Attus! Unhand me, you beast!

Joxer eats ants.

JOXER
Hmm. Hah. Hmm. Bride want food?

GABRIELLE
Uh, no thank you. I--I had a late breakfast.

JOXER
Hmm, then now Zug-zug!

GABRIELLE
I could do with a few ants!

JOXER
Hmm.

She eats some.

GABRIELLE
Mmm.

Xena can be heard yelling.

XENA
Gabrielle?! Gabrielle?!

GABRIELLE
She's come for me.

XENA
Where are you?!

GABRIELLE
I knew she would. She can't live without me for a minute.

XENA
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Not that I could blame her.

JOXER
Hmm then now, I take you next to raging river,
where, for three moons, we make furious Zug-zug!

He leaves with her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer and Gabrielle swing.

JOXER
Ooh! Ooh!

GABRIELLE
O-o-oh! I don't like this!

JOXER
Ah-ah! Ah-ah! Ah-ah! He! He! He! Ao-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Xena is still yelling for Gabrielle.

XENA
Gabrielle?!

JOXER
Ah! Ah! Great white monkey, Xena, come for
Princess Gaea! Animals! Animals of the jungle!
Listen to me! Billy goats! Form ramming positions!
Elephants! Suck water from great river for moat!
Great Eagle! Come down and collect me, so that
I may swoop down upon her!

No animals move.

JOXER
Come down and collect me, so that I may swoop
down upon her!

The animals still don't move.

JOXER
O-o-oh! Damn you! You ungrateful animals! O-oh!
Come on!

He swings.

JOXER
Ah! Ah-ah-h-h-h-h!

As Joxer swings, Xena swings by, taking Gabrielle.

JOXER
Where'd she go? Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Joxer hits tree.

JOXER
Attus glad that over. Ohh! Uhhh. Uhhh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena swings with Gabrielle, ululating.

GABRIELLE
You saved me! Xena, the world will thank you
for rescuing such an unrivaled beauty. Your name
will be legendary like "Gabrielle the Great?"
"Gabrielle of Troy." Huh!

Xena drops Gabrielle.

XENA
Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.

GABRIELLE
"Our Lady, Gabrielle." "Gabrielle of the Nile." Wait,
there's more!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer falls over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle keeps talking.

GABRIELLE
"Gabrielle of Olympia!" "Gabrielle and the Four Seasons!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fishes with the kite. Gabrielle picks up Xena's sword, and starts to put crushed bugs on her lips, thinking they're berries. Xena sighs and looks at Gabrielle.

XENA
What are you doing?

GABRIELLE
Oh I'm just highlighting perfection with some
berry juice.

XENA
Yeah, looks good on you. Only, they're not berries,
they're crushed bugs I was using for bait.

Gabrielle starts to spit.

XENA
Gabrielle, uh, you know that diamond we were
looking for earlier?

GABRIELLE
Diamond? Was that today?

XENA
Yes, I've never seen it, but I heard that it's, uh, it's
perfect, just like you.

GABRIELLE
I'm glad you could finally admit that, Xena. You
know, that must've been difficult for you. I realize
the envy that I inspire.

XENA
Right. Well, that's why Aphrodite wanted it. I know
that now.

GABRIELLE
What do you mean?

XENA
She thinks of herself as the perfect female, immortal
or otherwise.

GABRIELLE
She thinks that she's the perfect female?

XENA
She obviously thought that the perfect diamond
was something that she should be wearing. Well,
it's like a badge, announcing her as the most beautiful
creature in the universe.

GABRIELLE
Let's go, Xena.

XENA
Where?

GABRIELLE
To get the diamond. If it's perfection, I should
possess it.

XENA
Oh, I'm sorry, Gabrielle. I feel a bite comin' on.
But, uh, Maecanus should be passing by this
lake, soon. Uh, maybe, you-

Gabrielle runs off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle waits in a tree.

THUG #1
And he says, "Your sandal? I thought that was
my dinner." Huh.

MAECANUS
I don't get it.

THUG #1
His sandal?

MAECANUS
I thought...I don't get it.

THUG #1
He ate it 'cause he thought it was his, you know?
When he kicked it off his foot, you know? The
sandal and it landed-

MAECANUS
I don't get it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fishes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle jumps down.

GABRIELLE
Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!

Gabrielle kicks butt.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fishes.

XENA
You go, Gabrielle!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle fights.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fishes.

XENA
You're beautiful when you're angry.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle fights and gets the diamond.

GABRIELLE
Ha-ha!

Gabrielle runs off.

MAECANUS
After her!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fishes and Joxer joins her.

JOXER
Uh! Uh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-uh-uh-uh!

XENA
Joxer?!

JOXER
Uh! Uh!

XENA
I mean, Attus, come here.

Joxer swings in.

JOXER
He! He! He! Uh! Hmm.

XENA
You want the princess, right?

JOXER
Attus want!

XENA
You need the princess, right?

JOXER
Attus need! Ah! Ah-ah!

XENA
Well here's what you do.

She whispers to him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maecanus and his men chase Gabrielle.

MAECANUS
Give us the diamond!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle is trapped at the rockslide.

MAECANUS
This way. We got her now.

GABRIELLE
Hold it, boys! Huh, do you think I'm not used to
men chasing me? Same old story. Can't believe
I'm beginning to chafe.

They hold out crossbows.

GABRIELLE
Okay, look I'm sure that even people of your ilk
can appreciate perfection, right?

MAECANUS
Sure, we can. Kill her!

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Maecanus and his men have Gabrielle trapped.

MAECANUS
Kill her!

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
That's funny.

MAECANUS
You're trapped. Now, give us the diamond, and
we'll make sure your loved ones can identify the body.

GABRIELLE
This body.

MAECANUS
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
Are you insane? Have you no understanding of
absolute, inviolate cuddliness?

MAECANUS and THUG #1
Hmm?

MAECANUS
Guess not.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Xena fishes, she whistles the Xena Warrior Princess theme song. Gabrielle can be heard yelling.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

Xena continues to whistle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and the thugs.

GABRIELLE
I don't wanna break a nail.

JOXER
He! He! He! Oh-h!

Joxer lands, and takes Gabrielle.

MAECANUS
After her!

THUG #1
Up the wall?

MAECANUS
Are you a mountain climber?

THUG #1
No.

MAECANUS
Well, then this way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer and Gabrielle swing.

JOXER
He! He! He! Ao-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

He lands in tree.

GABRIELLE
Uh! Joxer, you saved me.

JOXER
Hmm. Now time for Zug-zug!

GABRIELLE
Huh? Oh, no!

An arrow hits the tree.

JOXER
Ah! Bird brother! Go! Fly! Tell your people of Attus,
the ape-man. Bring tribute! Go! Fly!

He throws the arrow. Two more arrows hit the tree.

GABRIELLE
Joxer! Swing! El swingo!

JOXER
Hmm. Attus not afraid! Attus King of Jungle! Ow! Hmm?

The arrow hits the tree, just missing Joxer's family jewels.

JOXER
Attus renounce throne.

They swing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fishes. Solaris takes the bait, and Xena's clip works. Xena gasps.

XENA
Solaris!

GABRIELLE
Xena! Xena!

Gabrielle runs in.

GABRIELLE
Xena! Catch!

Gabrielle tosses the diamond to Xena. Joxer and Gabrielle are tied up.

MAECANUS
Leave the diamond, little girl. Don't make me kill you.

XENA
You're new around here, right?

Xena fights the thugs, never releasing her hold on the kite.

JOXER
O-oh, o-oh. O-oh, o-oh.

Xena ties the kite to Maecanus, while she fights.

GABRIELLE
Xena, forget about Solaris, please!

XENA
Never! After all this time, never!

She keeps fighting the thugs. Solaris has gotten away.

GABRIELLE
My dress is wrinkling.

Xena pulls out a dagger.

XENA
He's gone.

Xena frees Gabrielle and Joxer.

JOXER
O-oh. O-oh. O-oh. O-oh! Ah! Ah-h! O-oh! Ah! Ah!
Ah! O-oh. Attus just get tribute from Brother hippo.

GABRIELLE
He got away, huh?

XENA
Yeah, but it worked. Everything worked beautifully,
Gabrielle, except-

GABRIELLE
He still got away. Now give me the diamond.

XENA
It's beautiful.

GABRIELLE
Mmm, you were right to think that only I should
wear that. Now, you gonna give it to me?

XENA
I got an idea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena has made a catapult, the diamond the bait for Solaris. She draws her sword.

GABRIELLE
So, what are you doing?

XENA
I'm sending the North Star back to the heavens
before nightfall. Hopefully, the power of the Mystic
Diamond will help guide it home.

GABRIELLE
But, it's mine!

XENA
Well, just think, Gabrielle. Every time that people
look up into the night sky and see that perfect star,
they'll think of you.

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

XENA
It'll be a symbol of your beauty for all time to come.

GABRIELLE
It is too bad that the people can't see the real thing.
Guess a symbol of it will have to do. Fire away!
What are you waiting for?

XENA
You'll see.

There are bubbles in water.

GABRIELLE
Xena, you're not going to use my diamond as
bait, are you?

XENA
It's just crazy enough to work.

Solaris takes the diamond, and Xena cuts the rope.

XENA
Ah-h-h!

Solaris and the diamond go flying.

GABRIELLE
I think you just put a fish in the heavens.

XENA
I dedicate this fish to Lyceus.

Xena holds her head.

GABRIELLE
Are you okay?

XENA
I was obsessed with fishing, wasn't I?

GABRIELLE
I'm sorry, Xena, but I really don't pay that much
attention to you. I have much more important
things to do with my time.

Gabrielle looks at herself in the water.

XENA
Gabrielle, I just realized what it was that was
driving my obsession. It's not fishing! It--it's all the
unresolved business between me and my brother.
I felt like I still owed him something. The minute
I acknowledged it, I was out from under its spell.

GABRIELLE
Ah, I just love the way my eyes glow in the sunlight.

XENA
Gabrielle, there's something that's bothering
you that you need to get in touch with.

GABRIELLE
You're right. These boots don't work with this skirt.

XENA
No, Gabrielle, think. There is something about
yourself that you're not satisfied with.

GABRIELLE
Other than the fact that no one gives me credit
for anything, and everyone thinks I'm a silly sidekick?

She holds her head.

GABRIELLE
Now, I've got this headache.

XENA
Well, you're back to normal, now. Gabrielle, from
now on, I'm gonna make sure you get a lot more
credit for the things you do. That's a promise.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

XENA
Insight released us from the spell.

GABRIELLE
That's all it took?

XENA
Let's get outta here. Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night. Xena and Gabrielle lie down together and they look at a fish constellation.

GABRIELLE
Yep. It definitely looks like a fish. But which one's
the North Star?

XENA
The big one.

GABRIELLE
Hmm. Hmm. It's a good thing that you figured
out all that insight stuff, Xena. Who knows how
long we'd be under that spell?

XENA
I couldn't have done it without you. The only reason
I do any good at all in this world is because I do
it with you. You make an important contribution
every day. I'm gonna make sure that people know
that from now on.

GABRIELLE
You don't have to do that, but it's nice to be
reminded that you feel that way. Hmm.

Joxer moves around in the bushes.

JOXER
Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Uh! Oh!

GABRIELLE
I think you still need to do something about Joxer.

JOXER
Uh! Uh! Uh!

XENA
Tomorrow.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Lawrence Makoare as Maecenus
Jason Tahu as Thug #1
Renee Schuda as Young Xena
Callum Gallagher as Young Lyceus

Teleplay by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Story by: Rob Tapert, Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: Joxer's dignity was slightly harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to its original condition.