The King of Assassins


TEASER

Castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena walks along with a prisoner.

XENA
Last chance.

A prison is before them. A guard hits the bars with a sword.

EXTRA
Pipe down in there!

XENA
Where's Malkor headed?

PRISONER
Oh, you'll just have to figure that out. See, Malkor
and me, we're friends to the end. I personally
led his private guard when we destroyed the army
of Limpid, not that Limpid had much of an army.
I've seen better warriors in a schoolyard.

XENA
Well, school's out. Meet some of the warriors
from Limpid's army. Your new roomies.

PRISONER
He's heading towards Persiponis. He's taking
the road through the mountains. He's camping
by the lake! He wears red leather armour and
he sleeps with his back to the door!

XENA
All right, all right. (to guard) You, put him in a cell
on his own. If you're telling the truth, I'll be back.
If not, you rot.

EXTRA
Come on!

Joxer is in a stock.

JOXER
(singing) Joxer the Mighty.
I roam through the country-side.
I never need a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick.

XENA
Joxer?

JOXER
Xena!

XENA
Mmm.

JOXER
You're here. Word must be out on me. There's
blood on my hands.

XENA
Looks like you've been pecked by a chicken.

She hits his hand.

JOXER
Ow!

EXTRA
It was my prize chicken. That's what he gets for
stealing it.

JOXER
I didn't steal it. I liberated it! But I came this close
to murder. Those little beaks are sharp.

XENA
I'll pay for the chicken. Joxer, go into town. Tell
Gabrielle I've gone to Persiponis.

JOXER
Xena, it's only a matter of time. These hands are
lethal weapons, and there is no telling what they
might do.

XENA
Joxer, you can barely kill time. It's just not you.
Good boy.

Xena leaves.

JOXER
With a few changes, it could be me! Could be me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle. Night.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sword is on display. Autolycus enters from the ceiling, Jett lowering him. They both wear black masks.

AUTOLYCUS
Easy, now. Nice and slow.

JETT
Hurry!

AUTOLYCUS
Uh-uh-uh-uh, patience. A good thief, like a good
lover, takes his time. Has patience.

JETT
Just get the sword.

AUTOLYCUS
You see, the security system is pressure-censored.
I wouldn't want to upset the delicate balance
now, would we?

JETT
Shut up!

AUTOLYCUS
Oh-ho-ho-ho, diamonds and rubies and pearls.

Autolycus reaches for the sword and a drop of sweat hits the display.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, my!

Spikes fly from the wall, but Autolycus takes the sword and flips to safety.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, that wasn't so bad. Shall we?

A warlord enters.

WARLORD
What in Tartarus?! Hey! That's my sword!

Jett kills him with cross-bow.

AUTOLYCUS
What was that all about?!

Autolycus takes off his mask.

JETT
He was a warlord. No one will mourn his death.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, that may be, but cold-blooded murder was
not part of the plan. I don't do murder.

JETT
You'd better get used to it! A good assassin does
many. Anyway, stealing a sword is only one part
of my plan.

AUTOLYCUS
Does your plan, by chance, involve any other murders?

JETT
Count on it.

Jett reveals his face (he's Joxer's twin brother).

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Village.

EXTRA
Fishcakes!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer takes off his helmet. He is now dressed in the same black leather as Jett.

JOXER
Well, I guess I won't be needing this, anymore.
Get ready for Joxer, the Dangerous.

He growls. Autolycus enters, wearing a cloak.

EXTRA
Fresh fish!

Autolycus bumps into Joxer.

JOXER
Oooh!

AUTOLYCUS
Excuse me. Pardon me, uh. You? Now, take it easy.
I can explain everything. Don't--don't get carried away.

JOXER
Where?

AUTOLYCUS
Here--here--here's your sword. There you go.

He hands him the sword.

JOXER
Oh, listen, I think you've got-

AUTOLYCUS
No, I didn't mean to take it with me. You know,
I'm gonna tell you something. I've been checking
on you, and the word on the street is that you are
the best. Ha! You are the man. Ha-ha-ha.
You're just a little too dangerous for me.

JOXER
Ah, listen. I think y-

Joxer moves forward, sword in hand. Autolycus jumps back. Joxer moves again, Autolycus jumps back.

JOXER
Yeah, I, um-

He clears his throat.

JOXER
-I am pretty dangerous, aren't I?

He moves the sword. They laugh.

AUTOLYCUS
So, you're okay with this, then?

Gabrielle enters.

JOXER
Yeah!

AUTOLYCUS
No hard feelings?

JOXER
No.

AUTOLYCUS
We're both professionals, of course.

JOXER
Sure!

AUTOLYCUS
You go your way and I'll go mine.

Joxer holds the sword on Autolycus as Gabrielle joins them.

JOXER
But first, you're gonna tell me how dangerous I am.

Autolycus sees Gabrielle and tries to signal her to leave.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, well, I certainly know that the people you're
hired to take care of always manage to, uh, go away.

JOXER
Yeah.

AUTOLYCUS
And that, uh, just being around you is very, um, dangerous.

JOXER
Yeah, as a matter of fact, danger is my middle
name. D-A-N-J-

Gabrielle grabs Joxer's ear. Autolycus is shocked.

JOXER
A-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

GABRIELLE
Three hours, Joxer. I waited for you for three hours,
with a bunch of drunken, horny half-wits!

JOXER
Ow!

GABRIELLE
I have been grabbed more times than the golden fleece!

JOXER
I was just out getting new clothes! You like 'em?

Gabrielle grabs his nose.

JOXER
Ow-w-w-w!

Autolycus pulls Joxer away from Gabrielle and steps between them.

AUTOLYCUS
Gabrielle, what are you doing? This man is a
killer! I saw him murder a man last night.

GABRIELLE
Him? He was in prison last night for chicken theft.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, then who?

He looks at Joxer.

AUTOLYCUS
But he looked exactly like you. Same long, ferret
face; beady eyes; slack jaw; pasty-

JOXER
Okay, I got it. I got it!

GABRIELLE
Another man looks like Joxer?

JOXER
If he's an assassin, it's probably my brother, Jett.

Autolycus mouths "Jett."

GABRIELLE
Brother?

AUTOLYCUS
You mean to tell me that this guy is not a cold,
calculating assassin?

GABRIELLE
Him?

She laughs.

GABRIELLE
Let me tell you what the real Joxer is like.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus slams Joxer's head into some food on the table. Joxer screams.

AUTOLYCUS
Dangerous, huh? You want dangerous? I'll give
you dangerous!

Gabrielle breaks them up and they all sit.

GABRIELLE
Wait! Now let's just calm down, and--and figure
this out. Okay. Now, why is it that you never
mentioned that you had a brother?

JOXER
'Cause I was embarrassed, okay?

GABRIELLE
Okay I guess it would--would be hard knowing
that your brother is an assassin.

JOXER
You don't know the half of it! My whole life's
been, "Jett stole some horses." "Jett torched a
village." "Jett killed the neighbors." My parents
were so proud.

AUTOLYCUS
Whoa, back up. They were proud of the black
sheep of the family?

JOXER
No, I'm the black sheep. My father's a warlord.
My mother's a warlord's wife. My whole family's
like that. But, Jett, how do you compete with an
over-achiever like that?

GABRIELLE
We stop him.

AUTOLYCUS and JOXER
Excuse me?

GABRIELLE
Jett. He's going to murder someone and we have
to stop him. Who could it be? He wanted you to
steal the sword and then kill someone with it.

JOXER
Yeah.

AUTOLYCUS
Now, wait a minute.

GABRIELLE
And then frame the owner of the sword and nobody
would be the wiser.

JOXER
Sure.

GABRIELLE
You follow me?

AUTOLYCUS
Not in a million years. The owner of the sword
happens to be dead. He was some big shot
warlord. No one's gonna miss him.

JOXER
Yeah.

GABRIELLE
Still, the murder weapon would be untraceable.
But who could the target be?

JOXER
Oh, well, you know, Jett doesn't work cheaply,
so it's probably a bigwig.

GABRIELLE
He hires a thief to steal a weapon, placing the
weapon in the room before the murder. It's clever.
I know what we have to do.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, I hope it includes Xena, because it's not
going to include me.

GABRIELLE
Autolycus, you have to go through with this. When
he makes contact with you, we will set a trap and
catch him in the act.

JOXER
Mmmm. Mm-hmm.

GABRIELLE
It's a good plan. Hey, I've been watching Xena.
I know how she thinks.

AUTOLYCUS
All right, let me get this straight. You want me to
sneak the murder weapon into a castle, to stop
his lunatic brother from assassinating someone
we don't even know for no gain whatsoever?

GABRIELLE
Exactly.

AUTOLYCUS
I don't think so. I'm not as dumb as he looks.

JOXER
Yeah, I'm not half as d-

Joxer catches on and glares at Autolycus.

GABRIELLE
Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die.

AUTOLYCUS
No he isn't, because he's leaving. Goodbye.

GABRIELLE
If Jett is not captured, he'll know you ran out on
him, and he'll hunt you down.

AUTOLYCUS
That's a risk I'll happily take.

Autolycus starts to leave.

GABRIELLE
It's a chance to do something really good.

AUTOLYCUS
Hah.

GABRIELLE
And get a big reward.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, she had to say the 'R' word. Ahh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man tries to enter the castle, the guard's dog barks.

GUARD #3
Come here! Come here! What's this?!

He finds a dagger.

GUARD #3
Get out of here!

EXTRA
Hold it right there.

Autolycus, Joxer and Gabrielle watch. Joxer copies all of Autolycus' moves.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, this should be interesting. No one with a
weapon gets inside that castle.

JOXER
Yeah, interesting.

AUTOLYCUS
Hmm.

JOXER
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
The security must be here because Jett's target
has arrived.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah-hah.

JOXER
Huh.

AUTOLYCUS
Could be.

JOXER
Yeah.

AUTOLYCUS
Mmm.

JOXER
Mmm.

Autolycus looks over at Joxer.

AUTOLYCUS
There's a concept called personal space. Look
into it.

JOXER
Hey, I'm just trying to broaden my knowledge.
You might be the King of Thieves, but I am
Master of Mayhem. There's a lot we can learn from
each other, you know.

AUTOLYCUS
Sure. Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how
to disappear without a trace?

JOXER
Okay. First-

Joxer catches on again.

AUTOLYCUS
Why exactly is he here?

GABRIELLE
He knows Jett.

AUTOLYCUS
No, in a grander sense. Why is he here?

GABRIELLE
Okay, here's the plan. When you get inside, go
to the room Jett told you to go to. Leave the sword
where he said to leave it, and wait for him to
make contact.

Joxer continues to copy Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
What if, in the process, he kills the person with
the sword, because he found it where I put it?

GABRIELLE
Well, if it were as simple as murder, he would
have done that by now.

JOXER
Yeah.

GABRIELLE
There has to be a second part. He won't kill right away.

AUTOLYCUS
So, you're saying this is what Xena would do.

GABRIELLE
Oh, yes. Mostly. Probably. Look, she did the
same thing when she had to sneak a baby into
King Gregor's castle.

JOXER
King Gregor was killed by a baby?

Gabrielle carries on, ignoring him.

GABRIELLE
When you get into the room, drop a rope outside
the window, and we'll climb up. Right now, just
concentrate on getting that sword past the dog.

AUTOLYCUS
Please, after all, you are dealing with the King
of Thieves.

Joxer brushes his non-existent mustache as well.

JOXER
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

AUTOLYCUS
You Master Moron. Let's go.

They move to the side.

AUTOLYCUS
All right now, Joxer, listen to me very carefully.

JOXER
I know what we're gonna do. We're gonna get
that guard, knock him out, drag him into the woods,
take his uniform, and sneak into the castle, right?

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, something like that. Hey, you've got strong hands.

JOXER
Sure, like a killer.

AUTOLYCUS
All right, Killer, here. Hold your hand out like that.

JOXER
Like that?

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, like you're gonna grab something really hard.

JOXER
Like that?

AUTOLYCUS
You ready?

JOXER
Yeah.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, now grab!

Autolycus makes Joxer grab a woman's behind. She screams.

EXTRA
Hey!

AUTOLYCUS
Guards!

JOXER
Oh, oh, oh, Lady. Oh, Lady. Oh, Lady.

AUTOLYCUS
Can you believe that?! He was fondling her behind!

Joxer screams as the woman beats on him.

GUARD #3
You fondled her behind?!

The guard and the woman punch Joxer. During the fight, Autolycus sneaks the sword into the guard's belt behind his back.

AUTOLYCUS
Yes, he did.

JOXER
No, I did not.

AUTOLYCUS
I can't believe that you did that.

GUARD #3
I can't believe that you did that!

Gabrielle runs in.

GABRIELLE
Okay, I'll take care of him.

Autolycus, the guard and the woman leave.

GABRIELLE
Yo! Worthless excuse for a husband! Come on!

She drags him away, Joxer screaming.

AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha-ha. You sure handled that rift-raft
pretty well.

GUARD #3
Yeah, I like to think so.

AUTOLYCUS
I think you've got Captain of the Guards written
all over you.

GUARD #3
Yeah?

AUTOLYCUS
Mm-hmm.

GUARD #3
It's been a long time coming.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, I'll bet it has. Well, you keep up the good
work, huh?

GUARD #3
Yeah, I'll do that.

Autolycus takes the sword he hid as steps behind the guard. He enters the castle grounds, humming.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus gets up on a window ledge. He enters the room.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Joxer move along at the castle wall.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus drops the rope.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle grabs the rope. Joxer and Gabrielle climb.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, ha-ha-ha.

Autolycus steals a coin.

AUTOLYCUS
I do love my work.

Cleopatra and her servants enter. Autolycus hides and watches.

EXTRA
This way, your Highness.

CHAMBERMAID
Remove her robe.

AUTOLYCUS
Ooh, by all means.

CHAMBERMAID
Hang this up.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, there's a word for people like me. Lucky.

CHAMBERMAID
Your bath is ready, Queen Cleopatra.

AUTOLYCUS
Cleopatra? Ho! I've died and gone to Olympus.

As they undress Cleopatra, there's a gust of wind.

CHAMBERMAID
Cover her!

They cover her. Joxer is heard from out the window.

JOXER
Almost to the top.

Autolycus closes the window, breaking the rope. Joxer can be heard screaming as he falls.

AUTOLYCUS
Okay, back to the show.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer lies on the ground, wind knocked out of him.

GABRIELLE
Come on. Get up!

JOXER
Is there a Plan B?

GABRIELLE
Yeah, we let the guards take us prisoner and
throw us into the dungeon.

JOXER
That's the dumbest idea I have ever-

Three guards stand before them with spears.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus watches.

CHAMBERMAID
Melissa, help her. That's better. Gently.

They undress her. They remove her bra.

AUTOLYCUS
Here we go. Nice and easy.

When Cleopatra turns her front so Autolycus can see, the servants get in his way.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh. Oh. No. Get out.

CHAMBERMAID
Get into the bath.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, boy. Turn around, Cleopatra.

There's a knock at the door.

CHAMBERMAID
One moment!

Cleopatra is once more dressed.

AUTOLYCUS
Ahhh.

The door is opened and Pontius enters.

PONTIUS
You wish to see me, my Queen?

CLEOPATRA
Yes. I am impatient, Pontius. I have been here
three days and yet, no one has come.

PONTIUS
The invitations were only sent out yesterday. By
dusk tomorrow, you will have your choice of armies.

CLEOPATRA
I want the best. My future is riding on this.

PONTIUS
Ptolemy is sure to know where you are by now.

CLEOPATRA
There can be no reconciliation with my brother.
Ptolemy has stolen my throne. I am the rightful
ruler of Egypt by birth and by the will of the people.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus hides in the closet. Cleopatra and Pontius can be heard talking.

CLEOPATRA
I intend to have the best army Greece has to offer-

AUTOLYCUS
Sword. Right, right here.

CLEOPATRA
-march into Egypt-

AUTOLYCUS
All right, the sword.

CLEOPATRA
-and take back what is mine.

PONTIUS
Yes, my Queen. No one can fault you for taking
back what is rightfully yours.

Autolycus hides the sword.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pontius leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of Cleopatra's dresses has feathers and it makes Autolycus sneeze.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cleopatra hears the sneeze.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus lies back, when Cleopatra reaches in and pulls him out, a knife at his throat.

CLEOPATRA
Who are you?

AUTOLYCUS
Who am I? Who am I? Uh, that's a very good
question. Under the circumstances, I would say
that is an excellent question.

CLEOPATRA
I don't waste my time with bad thieves.

AUTOLYCUS
Bad thie...I'll have you know, I am the King
of...Security for my boss, who's a great warrior,
who happens to have more than a passing
interest in your charms, uh, your charming offer
to invade Egypt.

CLEOPATRA
Go on.

AUTOLYCUS
And well, I check out the security before my boss
goes anywhere, and, uh, ha-ha, I gotta tell ya, this
place is lacking.

CLEOPATRA
My chief of security is very good at what he
does. You must just be very good at what you do.

AUTOLYCUS
You don't know the half-

CLEOPATRA
Still, give me one good reason why I shouldn't
call him now.

AUTOLYCUS
One reason, one reason, yes, well, uh, you're
looking for the best warrior. I happen to work for
the best. Surely you've heard of...Xena.

Cleopatra takes the dagger away from Autolycus' chest.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah-h-h.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer and Gabrielle are in prison.

JOXER
Oh-h-h-h. Oh. Oh. Oh. I think I bruised my brain.
Gabrielle, do you see a bruise here?

GABRIELLE
It's just a minor setback. No plan is foolproof.

JOXER
It depends on the fool.

GABRIELLE
They're going to question us. We have to get our
stories straight.

JOXER
I know, uh, wait! We can tell them we're circus
performers and we were just rehearsing an act.

GABRIELLE
Where does it hurt?

JOXER
Right there.

Gabrielle flicks Joxer's head.

JOXER
Ow!

Pontius enters with guards.

PONTIUS
My name is Pontius, chief of security for Cleopatra.

GABRIELLE
Cleopatra?

PONTIUS
You were caught trying to break into the castle.
That is a very serious offense.

GABRIELLE
Have you ever heard of the world-famous Rigulian
Sisters circus?

JOXER
Don't listen to her. Look, I know there's gonna be
an assassination attempt on Queen Cleopatra,
and I'm here to warn you.

PONTIUS
Assassination? Alert the guard. Lock all the gates
until the intruder is found. No one is allowed in
or out.

Some of the guards leave.

PONTIUS
Hmm, we'd heard that Ptolemy might try this. I'm
afraid I can't let you leave the castle right now, but
please, stay as guests of the Queen. Release them.

Pontius and the guard move aside. Pontius laughs.

PONTIUS
The man is a genius.

PRISON GUARD
That's the assassin you hired?

PONTIUS
First he manages to get himself into the castle.
Next he gives me a legitimate reason to lock all
the doors. When he kills Cleopatra, Ptolemy's
gonna make me a very wealthy man.

PRISON GUARD
Who's the girl?

PONTIUS
Oh, he's a man's man. The girl is obvious. She's
certainly not here to think.

Pontius and the guard leave. Gabrielle and Joxer are let out.

GABRIELLE
What were you thinking?

JOXER
There's no reason for both of us to get the ax.
What's that?

Gabrielle looks and Joxer pushes her back into the cell, and closes it.

JOXER
Look, I'm sorry, Gabrielle. This is for your own
protection. My brother's a killer. I don't want you
in the way when I stop him.

Joxer leaves.

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A servant brings in some fruit.

AUTOLYCUS
Thank you, my good man. Thank you very much.
Now, when Cleopatra's ready to finish our little
chat, you just come and get me, all right? Here's
a little something for your troubles.

He gives the servant one of the fruits.

AUTOLYCUS
Anytime, anytime, indeed. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

The servant leaves and Autolycus closes the door. He looks in a mirror.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, hello there. You can call me Auto. Can I
call you Cleo?

There's a knock at the door.

AUTOLYCUS
So soon? Well, can't say as I blame her.

He opens the door to see Jett.

AUTOLYCUS
You? What took you so long? Hey, where's
Gabrielle? You know what? Never mind. You just
tell her I've got everything under control. Now,
beat it.

He closes door.

AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha. What a loser!

Jett slams his hand through the large peak hole and grabs Autolycus' neck. Jett enters the room.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, oh, ah! Oh, Jett. Hello and how nice to see
you again. Ah, easy on the throat, can you? I've
got this silly little breathing habit.

JETT
I barely made it in before they locked the doors.
You know what puts me in a foul mood, Autolycus?

AUTOLYCUS
What?

JETT
When my business partners run out on me.

AUTOLYCUS
Is that what you think?

JETT
Mmm.

AUTOLYCUS
I'm shocked.

JETT
You're deceased.

AUTOLYCUS
Then what was I doing in Cleopatra's room, huh?
Just following your orders.

JETT
Where's the sword?

AUTOLYCUS
In her chambers, right where you wanted it.

Jett lets go of Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
When we got separated, I thought I'd go ahead
with the plan, because I knew you'd show up.

JETT
Good. Wait here while I kill her.

AUTOLYCUS
Sure, I, o-oh! Now? You mean there isn't a second
part to your plan?

JETT
No.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, uh, see that's a bad idea. 'Cause, uh, security
well, it's on high alert and, uh, there's guards all
through the chambers and no one I mean, no
one, gets in to see her.

There's a knock at the door. Autolycus opens the peep hole.

EXTRA
Autolycus, Cleopatra will see you now.

Autolycus closes the peep hole.

AUTOLYCUS
Except me.

JETT
You're good. Once you're inside, dismiss Cleopatra's
guards. That'll be my signal to strike.

AUTOLYCUS
You need help.

Autolycus leaves.

JETT
Huh.

He laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle wall.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Gabrielle, you have a plan.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison.

GABRIELLE
Nothing is set in stone. Flexibility, that's the key!
What would Xena do?

She picks up a plate and throws it like the chakram at the door.

GABRIELLE
She-e-yah!

The plate flies back and hits her in the head, knocking her out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus enters Cleopatra's bathing room.

CLEOPATRA
I hope you don't mind. I find a bath can be quite
relaxing during negotiations, unless it distracts you.

AUTOLYCUS
Distracts me? Beautiful woman lying naked in
a bathtub?

He laughs.

AUTOLYCUS
Where was I?

CLEOPATRA
We were negotiating for your client's services.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, yes, but I think I should warn you, Cleopatra.
I drive a hard bargain.

CLEOPATRA
Mm-hmm. I think you'll find my offer quite, um-

She holds out her leg.

CLEOPATRA
-generous.

AUTOLYCUS
No doubt. You certainly have a lot of...assets.

CLEOPATRA
Mm-hmm. But, how will I know what you have to
offer will satisfy me?

AUTOLYCUS
Well, let's just say, I've never had any complaints.

CLEOPATRA
Mmm.

AUTOLYCUS
But I'm reluctant to dive right in. You see, first, I
need to know when, where and how often?

CLEOPATRA
I'll let you know as soon as you make a firm offer.
Are you firm yet, Autolycus?

AUTOLYCUS
I don't know. I haven't seen your bottom line.

CLEOPATRA
Let's put this deal to bed, shall we?

AUTOLYCUS
Oooh, love to.

CLEOPATRA
Guards! Leave us!

AUTOLYCUS
Guards, leave us! No, no, wait, uh, they have to
stay. Any business transaction requires witnesses.

CLEOPATRA
Kinky.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle lies on the bed. A guard enters and when he leans down to look at her, she puts The Pinch on him.

GABRIELLE
I've just cut off the flow of blood to your limbs.

The Guard waves his hands. Gabrielle tries it again, hitting the top of his head and under his chin.

GABRIELLE
The numbness is setting in.

PRISON GUARD
Nope! I seem to be fine. Don't do that.

He starts to leave, so Gabrielle picks up a staff and knocks him out.

GABRIELLE
Uh! I didn't want to resort to violence, but lives
are at stake!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle moves along, mumbling to herself.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, Joxer, Joxer, Joxer, Joxer, Joxer.

Gabrielle walks by Jett and hold her staff at his throat.

GABRIELLE
You are so lucky you're still alive, right now.
Don't you ever lock me in a cell like that again.
Now, we have to get this plan back on track. Have
you seen your brother?

JETT
No, I haven't, but he must be around here, somewhere.

GABRIELLE
Well, look, let's just split up. Now, if I see him,
I'll come and find you. I think you can handle your
brother better than I can. I'll probably get myself
killed, or-

JETT
No, no, he'd never kill you. Deep down inside,
he's got a heart of gold. I'm the loser.

GABRIELLE
Don't say that about yourself. You are worth a
thousand Jetts.

Gabrielle leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer talks to a mirror.

JOXER
You don't know how long I've waited for this
moment, all the years of torment, all the teasing.
It all ends here, my brother. And you know what?
I'm gonna give you the first move but beware.
You're fighting Joxer the Mighty.

Jett steps out from behind the mirror.

END ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Joxer moves and Jett copies his actions. Joxer laughs and then Jett does. Jett grabs Joxer's throat.

JETT
Kind of like looking in the mirror, eh, brother? Been
a long time, Joxer. But you got this coming to ya.

JOXER
No!

Jett hugs him.

JETT
Come here! You little ugly excuse for a brother!
Give me a hug!

JOXER
Oh, Jett, don't! Don't! Ah! Ah, not that!

Jett licks his finger.

JOXER
Not the finger!

Jett gives Joxer a Wet Willie and laughs.

JOXER
Ow! Cut it out! I know you're after Cleopatra and
I'm not gonna let you do it!

JETT
Make me.

JOXER AND JETT
I don't-

JETT
-have to! Jinx! Ha-ha!

He hits Joxer.

JETT
Ha-ha-ha! You're a riot, Jox. I don't know how you
found out, but seeing you sure explains a lot. Hey,
nice clothes.

JOXER
Thanks.

JETT
Copy-cat. Hey is Jace here, too?

JOXER
Don't mention our brother's name in public.

JETT
Oh, yeah, I forgot.

He waves his hand. He points at Joxer's shirt.

JETT
What's that?

JOXER
What?

Jett hits Joxer with his finger.

JOXER
Ow!

Jett laughs.

JETT
How long has it been? Five years? Six? Let me
count the assassinations. That's how I keep track.
Ax murder in Athens.

JOXER
I'm serious! Things are different, now. I've seen
evil and I've changed my ways!

JETT
Bro, if you saw evil, you'd have to change your pants.

JOXER
Look, Xena taught me. I travel with her, now.

JETT
Oh, you're friends with Xena, now. Maybe you
taught Hercules a thing or two.
(singing) Oh, Joxer, the tidy;
He's always inside-ey.
Never hurts the other boys

He starts to dance.

JETT
Even when they steal his toys.

He stops singing.

JETT
Remember that one?

JOXER
Well, at least Mom sang to me.

JETT
Hey, who's the cute little blonde who swings the
mean stick?

JOXER
You lay one finger on her and I will rip you apart
with my bare ha-

Jett grabs Joxer's finger.

JETT
You're not threatening me are you Jox?

JOXER
No.

JETT
Hey, I missed ya. We should get together. But
for now, don't get in my way.

Jett starts to leave, but Joxer stops him.

JOXER
Sorry, brother. I can't let you do it.

Jett frees himself and grabs Joxer.

JOXER
Ooohh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cleopatra and Autolycus are in bed.

CLEOPATRA
Mmm. You do drive a hard bargain. Consider
our relationship consummated.

Autolycus laughs.

AUTOLYCUS
Pleasure doing business with you, Cleopatra.

A servant brings food as Cleopatra moves away. Gabrielle is dressed as a servant and she wets a cloth in a basin.

AUTOLYCUS
Why, thank you.

He laughs and Gabrielle places a hot towel on his face.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, hot towel. Well, I could get used to this in a hurry.

He laughs.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey, it feels pretty good. A little lower, Sweetie.

Gabrielle pulls his ears.

AUTOLYCUS
Ow!

He removes the towel.

AUTOLYCUS
Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Shh. Have you found Jett?

AUTOLYCUS
Yes. He's waiting nearby for the guards to leave,
so he can come in and finish the job. You know,
for your information, there was no second part to
his plan. Why don't we just tell Cleopatra?

GABRIELLE
No, no, no. We have Jett right where we want him.
Now, I have to get to Pontius without raising suspicion.

AUTOLYCUS
I thought you had it all figured out.

He motions for Gabrielle to move away and stands to face Cleopatra.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, Cleopatra. I've got to talk to Pontius about
your security. I'd like to meet him in my room.
(to Gabrielle) Ah, you, girl, go fetch him.

GABRIELLE
Yes, my Lord.

AUTOLYCUS
Until later, my Sweet.

He kisses Cleopatra's hand and leaves.

CLEOPATRA
Hmm, I could find uses for that man.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus moves along in the hallway and moves past Joxer who is hanging on the wall by his boxers.

AUTOLYCUS
Did I just see what I thought I saw?

JOXER
O-oh, o-oh, o-oh, o-oh, o-oh. Oh, Autolycus.
Thank goodness it's you. It's me. Joxer!

AUTOLYCUS
How can I be sure?

JOXER
I'm hanging from the wall by my underwear.

AUTOLYCUS
Good point.

Autolycus starts to pull him down. Joxer is wearing red boxers with yellow happy faces.

JOXER
O-oh. O-oh. O-oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

AUTOLYCUS
All right now, listen. Jett is just waiting for those
guards to leave. Gabrielle is going to get Pontius.
So, with some luck, he'll be executed by nightfall,
and I can get back to negotiating with Cleopatra.

Autolycus starts to leave.

JOXER
Wait a minute, wait a minute. He might be a killer,
but he's still my brother.

AUTOLYCUS
Are you serious? What did you think was gonna
happen? A slap on the wrist? The man is an assassin.

JOXER
Oh, oh, and you're perfect, Autolycus? Look, look,
I just might be able to convince him to do good like
Xena did for me and like Hercules did for you.

AUTOLYCUS
Two things. One, I find it very hard to believe that
this is the improved you and two, I am only in this
for the reward.

JOXER
No, you've got a good heart, Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, that may be, but I'd like to keep it here, beating
happily in my chest. And while Jett is alive, there
is no guarantee of that.

JOXER
Oh, yeah?

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, let's go.

Autolycus grabs him by his boxers and pulls him along.

JOXER
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle enters another room.

GABRIELLE
Pontius, it's me, it's Gabrielle. Don't let the disguise
fool you. Now, look, we have the assassin cornered.
He's near Cleopatra's room. If we move now, we
can catch him.

PONTIUS
Are you sure you know what he looks like?

GABRIELLE
Yeah, he looks like the guy I came here with.

Autolycus enters with Joxer.

AUTOLYCUS
Found him in the hallway. Did you tell him?

GABRIELLE
Mm-hmm. This is what you're looking for.

PONTIUS
Guards.

The guards hold spears on them.

AUTOLYCUS
All part of Xena's plan, I'm sure.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Castle.

PONTIUS (voice-over)
I don't know what tavern you met this girl in-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

PONTIUS
-but she almost blew your entire plan.

JOXER
What?

GABRIELLE
Right Jett. Your boss realized I knew who you
were Jett. Hmm, there's no stopping you now.

JOXER
Why do you keep calling me-

JOXER and AUTOLYCUS
Jett.

AUTOLYCUS
Because you're the best assassin, aren't you-

AUTOLYCUS and GABRIELLE
Jett.

JOXER
Oh, oh, yes, uh-

He clears his throat.

JOXER
-yes, I am. Ha-ha-ha-ha--ha-ha-ha. Yes, um, it
was you and I all along! They were just dupes in
my plan. Ha-ha, hmm. Now nothing can stop us!

PONTIUS
Yes, yes of course. Lock them in the dungeon.

GABRIELLE
Hey!

Gabrielle and Autolycus are taken away.

PONTIUS
Now, assassin, do your job.

Pontius leaves.

JOXER
It's brother against brother. Oh, brother.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus and Gabrielle are locked up, lots of bolts on the door. Autolycus removes one.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, there's one down.

GABRIELLE
You just had to tell 'em you're the King of Thieves.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, I worked hard for that title, Princess. You
know, this would be easy if I had my tools.

GABRIELLE
At least Joxer is still out there.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah yes, the rebel without a clue and the girl with
a plan. "I've been watching Xena." "This is what
Xena would do."

GABRIELLE
Okay, so I'm not as good as Xena, but my plan
would have worked if you had followed it, instead
of romancing Cleopatra.

AUTOLYCUS
Ho-ho! Now you blaming me! Oh, that's rich.
You know, once I'd like to see one of your Xena
plans actually work.

Xena's chakram hits the chains, breaking them. Xena catches it and Gabrielle smiles smugly at Autolycus.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A servant makes Cleopatra's bed and leaves.

CLEOPATRA
I'm going to be resting. Do your security checks,
then leave me.

The guard leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena lets Autolycus and Gabrielle out of the cell.

XENA
So, Joxer is the only one out there trying to find
Jett. Now, I must be missing something, here.
Gabrielle, why didn't you just go to Cleopatra, and
tell her when you knew she was a target?

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, now, Xena, that's easy for you to say. You
weren't there. Gabrielle's plan kept Jett off-balance
long enough to find a man on the inside, right?

GABRIELLE
Yeah, that's right. Pontius.

AUTOLYCUS
Pontius, exactly. Now, frankly, I had my doubts
that there was a man on the inside, but fortunately,
Gabrielle insisted that we follow her plan.

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

XENA
Good plan. Now, Gabrielle, you find Joxer.
Autolycus, you find Jett. I'm going to get to Cleopatra.

AUTOLYCUS
Right.

Xena leaves.

GABRIELLE
Thank you. You may be a thief, but-

AUTOLYCUS
No, don't say it. All right, say it.

GABRIELLE
You have a heart of gold.

AUTOLYCUS
Aw, ha-ha-ha. Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four guards move along. Jett comes out when they leave.

JETT
Time for blood.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer enters Cleopatra's room.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, Cleopatra. We have got-what's with the veil?
Oh, oh, I get it. Ha-ha-ha. Nice veil, ah, "Cleopatra."

Jett enters.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, Joxer. Jett? Joxer.

JETT
Wrong. Jett.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, it doesn't matter who you are, because I
didn't put the sword where you told me to.

JETT
Oh?

AUTOLYCUS
Only I know where it is.

JETT
Well, maybe you haven't noticed, it's not where
you left it.

Autolycus looks to the closet and Jett sees the sword.

JETT
Ah-h.

AUTOLYCUS
Uh! O-oh!

Jett gets the sword.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, I hate when I'm out bluffed.

JETT
First, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm going to
kill her.

AUTOLYCUS
Kill her? Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one. Yeah, I'd
like to see you try. Go ahead. Show him what
you're made out of "Cleopatra."

Cleopatra removes her veil to reveal she really is Cleopatra.

AUTOLYCUS
Cleopatra?

Jett punches Autolycus, knocking him out. Jett turns to Cleopatra.

JETT
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, murder.

Joxer enters and tries to sneak up on Jett, but he knocks over a vase.

JOXER
O-oh! Jett.

JETT
Get outta here, right now!

JOXER
Put the sword down, Jett. There's another way.

JETT
No, there isn't. Believe me, I've considered it.

Joxer holds up his fists.

JETT
I don't believe it. Are you actually gonna fight me?

JOXER
I have to, Jett. It's who I am, now.

JETT
Mom.

JOXER
Where?

Joxer looks and Jett hits him. Xena taps Jett's shoulder and he turns to face her.

JETT
What?

XENA
Be nice.

Xena punches him and they fight. Joxer is hit with a vase. Joxer gets up.

JETT
Why, you-

Jett throws another vase at Xena and it hits Joxer. Xena and Jett continue to fight. Xena flips with a yell.

JETT
Wow.

Xena knocks out Jett.

XENA
I told you to be nice.

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
We have company.

Pontius enters with the guards.

PONTIUS
Get them!

EXTRA
You heard him!

EXTRA
Grab her!

EXTRA
Get 'em!

Xena gets her sword. She and Pontius fight. Autolycus fights the guards. Autolycus grabs Joxer, thinking he's Jett and pulls him to the ground, knocking over a torch.

JOXER
Ah, burning!

Gabrielle fights the guards. Xena fights Pontius. Autolycus fights the guards.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah! Huh! There we go. Huh? How about some?
Step right up! Step right up! Pick a number. Huh?
How are you?

As Autolycus hits the guard with the staff, he hits Joxer a few times as well.

AUTOLYCUS
Here you go!

Gabrielle fights the guards. Xena fights Pontius. Joxer stumbles over to him. Pontius grabs him and holds a sword to his neck.

PONTIUS
Ha-ha-ha. At least you'll die.

Xena draws her chakram, but before she can throw it, a sword is thrown into Pontius' back.

JETT
Nobody hurts my brother...except me.

Jett winks at Joxer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later.

XENA
The local regent has offered to try Jett here in
Miramus, that is, with your permission.

CLEOPATRA
I owe you my life. That's not something I soon
forget, though I don't understand why the assassin
can't be executed here.

XENA
Sadly, execution isn't recognized here in Miramus.
He'll be in prison for life.

CLEOPATRA
Hmm. Are you ever planning on coming to Egypt,
Xena? If you do, send word. I'll plan a reception
the world won't soon forget.

Cleopatra moves to Autolycus and kisses him.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, was that my invitation to Egypt?

CLEOPATRA
That was a thank you. My real kisses are a bit
more...intense.

Joxer waits for a kiss, but Cleopatra walks by him. Jett is brought in.

JOXER
I'm sorry, Jett.

JETT
No hard feelings. Hey, I hear they're sending me
to prison in Miramus. Give me a chance to catch
up with Dad. Joxer, you got a good thing going here.
Don't blow it. Don't let anyone tell you who you
are or who you could be, that includes family.
Hey, hang onto that little blonde. She's pretty
smart. What's that?

Joxer doesn't fall for it this time. Jett is taken away.

JOXER
Well, guess you're all just gonna be looking at
me a little bit different, now.

Joxer leans on a vase but knocks it over and he falls to the ground.

GABRIELLE
Nope.

AUTOLYCUS
I think not.

XENA
Same ol' same ol'.

Joxer laughs.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Ted Raimi as Jett
Bruce Campbell as Autolycus
Gina Torres as Cleopatra
Jonathon Hendry as Pontius
Larry Keating as Warlord
Christian Hodge as Prisoner
Benjamin Banse as Prison Guard
Russell Raethel as Guard #3
Nerida Nichols as Chambermaid
Jeremy Birchall as The Other Joxer/Jett

Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Bruce Campbell

Disclaimer: Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.