Vanishing Act


TEASER

Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle walk along.

GABRIELLE
Now, ar--are you sure you don't want me to come
with you?

XENA
And miss Adar's speech?

GABRIELLE
Please?

Xena chuckles.

XENA
Send my regrets. I'll be there first thing tomorrow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle walks along alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Village. The villagers dance in celebration.

EXTRA
Dance, everyone! A celebration!

EXTRA
Peace lasts forever!

DRUNK VILLAGER
Welcome! Welcome to the festival of peace! Peace
to you!

He grabs her arm and spins her around.

GABRIELLE
Back at'cha!

DRUNK VILLAGER
Peace forever!

GABRIELLE
Everybody, yeah! I'm gonna need my arm back!

DRUNK VILLAGER
Peace to us all!

He lets go and leaves.

EXTRA
Be happy!

GABRIELLE
Adar.

ADAR
Gabrielle! Ya made it! But, where's Xena?

GABRIELLE
She had business in Pergos, but she sends
her apologies.

ADAR
But she'll miss my speech honouring Pax.

GABRIELLE
I'll give her all the highlights. She'll be back
tomorrow morning.

ASSISTANT
They're ready, Mr. Mayor.

ADAR
Thank you.

ASSISTANT
Please be seated.

ADAR
We are gathered today from many villages for
our annual celebration of Pax, the personification
of peace.

The villagers cheer.

ADAR
This statue was created twenty years ago at the
end of a bitter war and serves as a reminder that
we are truly one people, bound by a spirit of
co-operation and understanding.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night falls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adar steps out of his home and yawns.

ADAR
By Zeus and all the gods!

Pax, the statue is gone.

EXTRA
Where is it?!

EXTRA
I don't know!

EXTRA
I don't understand!

ADAR
Pax is gone!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later. Xena has arrived.

GABRIELLE
Guess it's pretty bad, huh?

ADAR
Pretty bad? It's worse than pretty bad. This is a
disaster. Already, there are angry recriminations
between the villagers as to what's happened to
the statue. Everyone's so mistrustful, because it's
just so hard to believe. It was there last night.
And--and then it's just vanished.

XENA
Things don't just vanish, Adar. Somebody stole it.

ADAR
It's taller than a house. Who could've stolen it?

XENA
I think we have a suspect.

Xena moves over to Autolycus who is dressed as an old woman.

XENA
I'm talkin' to you, Grandma!

AUTOLYCUS
Ah! What's that, Sweetie?!

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
I wanna ask you a few questions!

AUTOLYCUS
I'm sorry, I need to tend to my, uh-

He starts to leave, but Xena kicks the cane out from under him.

AUTOLYCUS
Ow! Broken hip! Ahh! Ohh!

XENA
Ah!

Xena whips him and pulls him down the plank leading to a boat.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh-h! Ah-h! Ah! Ah! Ah-h-h!

Xena rips the wig off.

AUTOLYCUS
Ow! Oww! That was pinned on.

GABRIELLE
Huh! Autolycus? Of course, who else could pull
off a heist like this?

AUTOLYCUS
Well, it is impressive, isn't it? I mean, a statue
that size, just, phewt, disappearing like that?! It
would not be immodest to say that that's the
greatest theft ever. There's only one problem.

XENA
And what's that, Genius?

AUTOLYCUS
I didn't do it.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena looks at Autolycus.

XENA
What do you mean, you didn't do it?

AUTOLYCUS
Xena, I'm very flattered that you don't believe me,
but the truth of the matter is I did not steal the
statue. Granted, I can't believe I didn't steal the statue.

ADAR
If you're innocent, why were you wearing a disguise?

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, ho, ha, ha, ha, that's a very good question.
You see, it's like this. Try as I may to keep it quiet,
I have a reputation as, uh-

GABRIELLE
The King of Thieves?

AUTOLYCUS
And because of that reputation, well, if I were to
be spotted in a town where a major theft has just
taken place, as in here, well, the local authorities
might be somewhat inclined to, uh, incarcerate
me? Huh.

XENA
I'll take care o' this. (to Autolycus) That statue
represents a long tradition of peace between
these two villages and I didn't come here to fool around.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah-h! Well, like I'm here for the pony rides! Xena,
I wanna get that statue back just as much as you.

XENA
Give me a break.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, no, not for any goody-goody reasons, but for
me. Don't you get it? I don't know who stole that
tatue. What's worse, I don't know how they stole it.
So, if I don't find out who did and steal it back-

XENA
You're no longer the King of Thieves.

AUTOLYCUS
Exactly. Which is why I'm gonna let you work with
me on this.

XENA
(chuckling) Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

AUTOLYCUS
It takes a thief to catch a thief. Look, I just want
your help to steal it back, so I can put it back where
it belongs.

XENA
Autolycus, it's not called stealing if you retrieve
stolen property for the rightful owners.

AUTOLYCUS
No, not if you go in there, busting heads like
you usually do. But if you use finesse and steal
it out from under their noses without them knowing
it that counts as stealing.

XENA
Why would I wanna do that?

AUTOLYCUS
As a favour to me?

XENA
No!

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, I get it. What have I done for you, lately, huh?

XENA
Yeah.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my
body while I risked my life to steal back your
shapely corpse, all the while having to endure
Gabrielle whining and crying twenty-four hours a
day about, "How much she misses Xena!"

XENA
Are you quite finished?!

AUTOLYCUS
That depends. Did it work?

XENA
It worked.

AUTOLYCUS
Then I'm finished. Xena, one more thing.

XENA
What?!

AUTOLYCUS
It's gotta be done my way.

XENA
Huh?

AUTOLYCUS
My reputation as the King of Thieves is not gonna
be restored if you sling that chakram around and
poke people with swords. It's gotta be done the
Autolycus way. Deal? Come on. Gimme a smile.
Gimme some teeth. A little smile?

Xena shakes his hand.

XENA
Deal.

AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha, that's my Xena.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus' head pops out of the ocean. He is wearing scuba gear (ancient Greek style) He swims to shore.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Docks.

EXTRA
Fishcakes! Fishcakes!

GABRIELLE
Working with us might rub off on Autolycus. It
could change him...or not.

XENA
Autolycus became a thief to avenge a terrible wrong.

GABRIELLE
I know, he told me. He stole everything from the
merchant who killed his brother. He left him with
nothing, just a broken man.

XENA
You see, that was Autolycus' defining moment.
He'll always think of himself as a thief. If he wants
me to help him regain the title of king, then so be
it. It's the least I can do. The man did save my life.

Xena pulls Autolycus out of the water.

XENA
Come on! Well?

AUTOLYCUS
Just as I suspected. There's a deep furrow in
the seabed.

XENA
So the statue was toppled over and dragged out
of the harbour by ship.

AUTOLYCUS
Exactly, my Dear. Now, all we have to figure
out is which ship?

XENA
Right.

GABRIELLE
Right.

Xena and Gabrielle leave.

AUTOLYCUS
Be right with ya. Just gotta get this off. Oh! Oh!

Autolycus tries to pull off the helmet, but instead falls back in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus moves over to the Wharfmaster. He is disguised and is using an accent. Xena and Gabrielle stand behind the Wharfmaster.

AUTOLYCUS
Greetings. I am told you are the one called Wharfmaster?
I am Namin, an antiquities dealer, trading in rare
Armenian...antiquities. I need to ship some rather, uh-

He winks.

AUTOLYCUS
-delicate cargo?

WARFMASTER
Can't help you.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah, no, no, you misunderstand. I was hoping you
could recommend a ship captain who could help
us with such a, um-

He winks again.

AUTOLYCUS
-sensitive transaction, hmm?

WARFMASTER
Look, Blinky, I don't know what you're talkin'
about, okay?

AUTOLYCUS
Heh-heh-heh-heh. Then, perhaps for you it is
very fortunate that I speak the universal language.

He puts down a dinar.

AUTOLYCUS
Huh?

He chuckles.

WARFMASTER
You'll have to speak it louder than that, my friend.

XENA
Hmm.

Autolycus motions for Xena to join him.

AUTOLYCUS
Uh, I think you should talk to my associate.
(to Xena) Good centurion, bad centurion? Put a
little pressure on him.

XENA
Right you are.

She puts the Pinch on the Wharfmaster.

XENA
Now, tell us who shipped out that statue.

AUTOLYCUS
You don't have to answer that. (to Xena) What
are you doing?

XENA
Putting a little pressure on him.

AUTOLYCUS
Psychological pressure.

Gabrielle stands next to the Wharfmaster and starts to count to thirty.

AUTOLYCUS
Now, Xena you agreed to do this my way. Undo that.

GABRIELLE
Sixteen, seventeen.

XENA
All right.

GABRIELLE
Eighteen.

Xena undoes the Pinch

AUTOLYCUS
Now, are you willing to tell us?

WARFMASTER
It was Tarsus.

AUTOLYCUS
Tarsus? Of Siros?

WARFMASTER
Yeah.

XENA
You know him?

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, we have a history of sorts.

AUTOLYCUS
Where's his home base, now?

WARFMASTER
A--a castle on the island of Mekonos.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ship moves on the sea.

AUTOLYCUS (voice-over)
The first thing we should do is size up the castle
from the outside, try and determine the best way
to get the statue out.

XENA (voice-over)
What if they're in the process of selling it right
now? It could be on the move before we get to it.

AUTOLYCUS (voice-over)
Good point. Then one of us should go in as a
fence, and make a bid on the statue. That'll keep
it in place for a while.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Impersonating a fence. Let me guess who does that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
First Guard enters.

TARSUS
What is it?

FIRST GUARD
There's someone here asking about Pax.

TARSUS
All right.

Gabrielle enters in disguise (blue robes) and she uses an accent whenever she plays Myopia.

GABRIELLE
Tarsus, I presume.

TARSUS
And you are?

GABRIELLE
Myopia, the fence. I...fence. I come to tell you, I
make offer on the statue of Pax.

TARSUS
Ha! What makes you think that I have Pax?

GABRIELLE
This?

She pours herself a drink.

GABRIELLE
You'd be surprised how little it takes to loosen
lips of corrupt wharfmaster.

TARSUS
(to First Guard) Get the furnace going.

GABRIELLE
Furnace?

TARSUS
When strangers start knocking on my door with
offers, I'd say things were a bit too hot to have a
stolen, sacred piece of art hanging around. These
city-states have been known to send armies after
the silliest artifacts. On the other hand, who's to
say where I got a few hundred pounds of raw gold?

GABRIELLE
I'm not sure I understand.

TARSUS
As soon as the furnace is hot enough the statue
of Pax will be melted down.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Castle.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Wait.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

GABRIELLE
You can't melt the statue down.

TARSUS
Why not?

GABRIELLE
Be--because it gets gooey! I do not pay for goo.

The First Guard whispers in Tarsus' ear.

TARSUS
This is exactly what I meant, about things being,
too hot. Seems we have another unsolicited
bidder. You ever heard of a fence named Ezra?

GABRIELLE
I've heard of her, of course!

Xena enters as Ezra, dressed in green and white and with a mole on her chin. She speaks with an accent.

XENA
Ha-ha! Dahling!

TARSUS
Ezra, nice to meet you.

XENA
Charmed, I'm sure, but I'm here on business.

TARSUS
Well, you're going to have some competition.
This is Myopia. She's also interested in the statue.

XENA
Myopia, I've heard of you. They say you used to
be good-lookin'. Huh.

Xena speaks aside to Gabrielle.

XENA
Plan beta, I saw the furnace belching smoke and
knew we had to come right a--are you paying
attention to me?

Gabrielle reaches to touch the mole, but Xena slaps her hand.

XENA
This is part of his way. (to Tarsus) So, where
are you hiding that statue?

GABRIELLE
Tarsus was just about to have the statue melted down.

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Of course, I tell him the statue is much more
valuable intact.

XENA
Well, that would be because you're a rank amateur.
Of course, it's more valuable if you melt it down.
Easier to transport, easier to sell, I'm-frankly I'm
surprised you didn't do it earlier. I mean, surprised,
but pleased.

TARSUS
Why is that?

XENA
Because I don't buy anything I don't see melted
down. One can so easily dilute it.

Tarsus chuckles.

TARSUS
You don't trust me?

XENA
I sell to the richest men and women on Earth.
So, forgive me if my reputation for dealing in
only the finest materials is too valuable to risk
on the word of a thief. So do I get to see the
statue, or no-ot?

TARSUS
Right away.

XENA
Fabulous. Oh, my manservant's outside. Would
you give him a hand with the baggage? Oh, gorgeous.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside. Coal is shoveled into the furnace.

XENA
Oh-h-h-h-h.

TARSUS
Let's do it!

Autolycus enters as Bentley. He is dressed in a brown cloak and his tools are hidden in a hunch on his back. He moves like Igor. He too, speaks with an accent.

XENA
Here's my guy, now. This is my assistant, uh...Bentley.

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Bentley, what an unfortunate name.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, Mother had, uh, quite the sense a humour.

Xena hits him.

AUTOLYCUS
Ow!

XENA
Stay out of the way, Bentley. They're about to melt
down the statue. Go on.

Autolycus moves over to a row of torches and pushes them.

AUTOLYCUS
O-o-ops!

The torches fall and while everyone looks away, Xena throws her chakram, which breaks the furnace.

TARSUS
Your man is an idiot.

XENA
You're telling me. Get inside, ya buffoon!

AUTOLYCUS
A thousand pardons. I, uh-

He trips.

AUTOLYCUS
Ooooh!

Autolycus leaves.

FIRST GUARD
There's something wrong with the furnace. It's
losing heat.

GABRIELLE
What?

XENA
I thought you were running a classy operation here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus moves around inside. He moves to wall that is painted as a corridor.

AUTOLYCUS
Interesting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

TARSUS
You incompetent scum. Make sure that furnace
is working! We can wait inside while they work
on it. It won't take long.

XENA
(to Gabrielle) We gotta keep them out here 'til
Autolycus is finished looking around. (to Tarsus)
Oh, that's just great! Great! Yeah. Now, she wants
to bid on the raw gold.

TARSUS
Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with changing
your mind.

XENA
All right. Well, let's settle this right now, shall we?
I'll give you fifteen thousand dinars for it.

GABRIELLE
Twenty.

XENA
Twenty-five.

GABRIELLE
Thirty.

XENA
Thirty-five.

TARSUS
Thirty-five thousand dinars. Going once, twice-

GABRIELLE
Forty thousand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus looks around inside. He sees someone painting the castle. He smiles.

AUTOLYCUS
Hah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

XENA
One hundred and forty thousand dinars.

GABRIELLE
One hundred, sixty thousand.

Autolycus looks outside.

XENA
Two hundred thousand dinars.

TARSUS
Two hundred thousand dinars. Going once-

GABRIELLE
Two hundred...fifty thousand.

TARSUS
Two hundred and fifty thousand dinars. Going-

XENA
Three hundred thousand.

GABRIELLE
Three hundred fifty.

XENA
Four hundred thousand dinars and I'll throw in
the ring of Apollo.

GABRIELLE
Let her have it.

TARSUS
Sold.

XENA
Well, the money will be here in the morning.

TARSUS
Perfect. We'll have the furnace operational by then.
You and your gold will be on your way by midday.

Xena leaves.

TARSUS
Break out the wine. Tonight, we celebrate. I hope
there are no bad feelings but, who could compete
with the ring of Apollo. Don't you agree?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

XENA
Ya just had to outbid me, didn'tcha?!

GABRIELLE
You outbid me, first.

XENA
It's a wonder you didn't go even higher.

GABRIELLE
Right! Like I can top the ring of Apollo?!

AUTOLYCUS
Are you two out of your minds?! What difference
does it make who outbid who? We're pretending,
remember? Now, I happen to have a plan. And if
it works I will be a legend. And you two will be
a legend's helpers. First, I've gotta find something.

XENA
I'm comin' with you.

AUTOLYCUS
Fine, but you know the rules.

Autolycus leaves.

XENA
You go to the party. Tell 'em we'll join them later.

Xena leaves.

GABRIELLE
No problem.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus and Xena move along.

AUTOLYCUS
Hmm. Mm-mm.

XENA
This plan of yours is kind of ambitious.

AUTOLYCUS
What else would you expect from the King of Thieves?

XENA
Oh, Thebes, I've been there.

AUTOLYCUS
Pay attention.

Xena chuckles. They step up to a door.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah-hah! See? Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Paint-drippings?
This is probably it locked, of course, not a problem.
Watch and learn, my Dear. You see, this is no
ordinary lock. This happens to be a reinforced
Corinthian steel lock with a high security,
double-hinged, pin-tumbler mechanism.

Xena kicks the door open.

XENA
Oops.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The party.

EXTRA
Great pleasure.

TARSUS
Sorry you didn't get the gold. But I'll have some
more interesting wares very soon.

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

TARSUS
Where's your rival?

GABRIELLE
In her room, I imagine.

TARSUS
Uh, she's missing the party. I'll send somebody
for her.

GABRIELLE
Oh, she'll come later. She's with someone.

TARSUS
With someone?

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

TARSUS
The hunchback?

GABRIELLE
Who else?

THEA
Hunchback? Interesting.

TARSUS
She can be with him any time. Right now, I want
her here, at this party. Bring Ezra and her man
down immediately.

GABRIELLE
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Xena's heard from the hall.

XENA
Oh, you naughty guard, you!

Xena enters with Autolycus.

XENA
Hold everything! The party starts here! Ha-ha-ha!
Make yourself scarce, Dummy. Yoo-hoo! Myopia,
I am so sorry you lost. Better luck next time, huh?

They chuckle.

XENA
(to Gabrielle) As soon as we're out of here, we
will put his plan in motion.

TARSUS
Congratulations, Ezra. I am obligated to tell you
that a well-known Scylosian general is on his way
here to make a bid.

XENA
Really? Is he good-lookin'?

They laugh.

TARSUS
Look, if you have the money here by morning, I'm
sure he can't top your offer.

XENA
Oh, it'll be here. So, tell me more about this
naughty general?

Thea joins Autolycus.

THEA
Excuse me. My name is Thea.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh. Uh-huh, Bentley.

THEA
Forgive me for, uh, staring, but I just can't help
but notice your-

AUTOLYCUS
Uh, smile?

THEA
To be honest? I was actually referring to your hump.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, that, uh, hmm.

THEA
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?

AUTOLYCUS
Well, su--sure, go ahead, uh, wh--what d'ya
wanna know?

THEA
Would you mind if I touched it?

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, uh no, no. I would really rather that you didn't.

He chuckles.

THEA
Well, why? D--does it hurt?

AUTOLYCUS
Well, of course it hurts. Why do you think camels
are so miserable? Hmm?

She touches it and the jingling of metal is heard.

XENA
I kid you not. It was this big.

AUTOLYCUS
Hmm.

Thea touches his hump again.

AUTOLYCUS
Ow!

Thea leaves.

XENA
So, tell me. How did you manage to steal the
statue of Pax?

TARSUS
Magician never gives away his secrets.

XENA
Oh.

TARSUS
But I will tell you this, it was the best work I've
ever done.

XENA
Really?

TARSUS
Of course, I haven't always been a thief. Oh, no.
For many years, I was a moderately-successful
merchant-

XENA
Uh-huh?

TARSUS
-making a decent living. One day, I had a--a
disagreement with a competitor. I had to eliminate
him as a rival.

XENA
Well, you would.

TARSUS
Unbeknownst to me, my competitor had a younger
brother. Rather than face me like a man, he took
his vengeance by stealing from me. Cleaned me
out, but in so doing, he taught me a lesson. The
world belongs to those who make it their own.
A toast, then.

EXTRA
A toast.

TARSUS
To the man who has brought us all here tonight.
To Autolycus-

He draws sword and holds it on Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
-the former King of Thieves.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Swords are held on Autolycus. He motions for Xena not to fight.

XENA
(sobbing) Auto! Autolycus, baby! Ya promised
me this was gonna woik! You're supposed to be
the King of Thieves! My father--my father told me
he was a loser and a fraud with his phony disguises
and that silly mustache. But I will always love you.
Oh! Oh, look! Ya gotta believe me! He put me
up to this! Ya know how he is with that charm of
his. He's so shallow, yet so persuasive! I'm not
really a bad pois'n! I just fell in love with the wrong
man at the wrong-

TARSUS
Shut up! Take her, too! And gag her! Get them
both out of here!

Xena sobs as she and Autolycus are taken away.

AUTOLYCUS
Watch the hump!

EXTRA
Quit that! Come on!

XENA
Ow! Please! No!

GABRIELLE
If Ezra isn't real, the bidding isn't real, either!

TARSUS
That's right. You can bid again in the morning,
against the Scylosian general, but your money
better be here by then. If not, I'll assume you're
a fraud, too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison. Autolycus is chained to a chair.

TARSUS
That's twenty feet of the strongest chain wrapped
around you, Autolycus, fastened by two hundred of
the best locks in the world.

AUTOLYCUS
Good. I enjoy a challenge.

TARSUS
Uh-huh. Well, enjoy it while you can because I've
just sent word to everyone who has a reward out
on your head. I'll deliver you to the highest bidder.

Autolycus yawns.

TARSUS
Outwardly, you're always calm, Autolycus. But
I'm not fooled. Inside you, you burn with hatred
toward me, don't you? And it's only gonna get worse.
Just think. I killed your brother. I stole your mantle
as King of Thieves and soon, I'll be delivering
you to your executioners. It's all so perfect. I want
this door guarded at all times.

Tarsus and the guards leave.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, this should be interesting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena is gagged and tied to a chair.

TARSUS
You pathetic weakling! I plan to sell you to the
Scylosians. Don't worry you won't be with 'em for
long. They usually beat their slave girls to death
in a matter of weeks. And don't think Autolycus
will save you. I have him bounded by two hundred
of the strongest locks.

Xena mumbles behind the gag, sobbing.

TARSUS
Have a nice evening.

Xena mumbles behind the gag, sobbing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the door.

TARSUS
You stay here and don't let anyone talk to her,
especially that Myopia.

He chuckles.

TARSUS
I don't trust her, either.

Tarsus leaves. Xena is heard from behind the door.

XENA
Help me. Help me.

The guard leans into the door to listen, when it opens, hits him and knocks him out. Xena is in her leathers. Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Could I ask you a question?

XENA
Shoot.

GABRIELLE
What are we doing?!

XENA
We're doing it his way.

Gabrielle rips the mole off Xena's face.

GABRIELLE
You call that his way?

XENA
Don't get technical on me. Now that we know it
was Tarsus who killed his brother, it's even more
essential that we let Autolycus win his way.

GABRIELLE
Why do you think he didn't tell us who Tarsus was?

XENA
I'm hoping because it doesn't make any difference.

GABRIELLE
So, where is he?

XENA
Somewhere in this castle, someplace chained
and manacled with two hundred locks.

GABRIELLE
Two hundred locks?

XENA
Yes.

GABRIELLE
No.

XENA
It's gonna take him at least an hour to get out of
that lot. Come on, let's get on with it.

GABRIELLE
All right.

They drag the guard.

XENA
Would you get that?

Gabrielle opens the door.

XENA
Thank you.

GABRIELLE
Watch it. Sorry.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Autolycus works on the locks.

AUTOLYCUS
Come on. Come on, talk to me. I'm listenin', but
I'm not hearing. Come on. Just a little more.
Heh-heh-heh, there we go. Sixty-four.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere.

GABRIELLE
Okay. I found everything that we need to go through
with this plan, except for one thing.

XENA
What is that?

GABRIELLE
Brushes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guards walk along. Xena drops down and knocks them out. She takes their hats which have feathers on them.

XENA
I just couldn't begin to think how to do that
his way.

Gabrielle enters.

XENA
Whaddya think, huh?

GABRIELLE
That'll do.

XENA
Good, we'd better get everything we need into
the courtyard.

GABRIELLE
Don't you think we should find Autolycus?

XENA
Are you kidding? He'd never forgive me if I
robbed him of the joy of getting out of that by
himself. As long as he's back by sunrise, it'll work.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The prison.

AUTOLYCUS
One hundred and ten. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

XENA
We did it.

GABRIELLE
Yeah. The sun's up. Where is he? Xena? Why
don't you go get him?

XENA
Look, this wouldn't be-

GABRIELLE
Oh, his way, yes, I know, but this plan will go to
Tartarus in a reed basket if he's not here.

XENA
Yeah, right.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The guards are heard being knocked out. Xena enters the prison.

XENA
I know it's not quite your-

Autolycus is gone and the window out is open. Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside. Xena joins Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Where is he?

XENA
I don't know. He wasn't in the dungeon.

GABRIELLE
That's great. He got out. The Scylosians will be
here any moment.

XENA
I don't think he's gonna be joining us.

GABRIELLE
What do you mean? His plan was to meet here.

XENA
He's not concerned with his plan anymore.

GABRIELLE
I don't understand.

XENA
He's going to kill Tarsus.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Gabrielle looks at Xena.

GABRIELLE
But Autolycus doesn't kill. He got revenge on
Tarsus before by stealing from him.

XENA
Now he plans to finish the job.

GABRIELLE
Xena, Autolycus isn't a killer, not even to avenge
his brother's death.

XENA
He'd be a good one. Think about it. With his skills
of disguise and escape, he'd be one of the best.

GABRIELLE
That's if he crosses the line.

XENA
We're not gonna let him. Come on.

They leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tarsus' room. His sword is missing. Autolycus places it at Tarsus neck.

AUTOLYCUS
Hello from Malechis.

TARSUS
Hah, you plan to kill me, don't you? Why, Autolycus,
I didn't know you had it in you.

AUTOLYCUS
That's why I'm here.

TARSUS
Don't you want to thank me, first? Think about it.
You pride yourself on being the King of Thieves,
the best at what you do. And who made you
that way? Me. For better or worse, I made
you who you are.

AUTOLYCUS
Too bad this isn't about me. It's about a decent
man you killed a long time ago.

Tarsus pulls a string with his foot that silently signals his guards.

TARSUS
Look, Autolycus, I can't bring your brother back,
but I can offer you money, lots of money.

AUTOLYCUS
Money. I do love money. How much?

TARSUS
Everything I own.

AUTOLYCUS
Not enough, but thanks for trying.

XENA
Don't do it, Autolycus.

Autolycus turns to see Xena in the window.

AUTOLYCUS
Stay out of this, Xena!

XENA
Don't get me wrong. I agree with you. He killed
your brother, turned you into a thief and he was
determined to see you dead. Most people would
think you had every right to act as his judge. But,
I'm asking you, "What would Malechis think?"
The man you told me about loved his brother.
He gave everything to see that you became a
good person. Tarsus may have created the thief,
but it was Malechis who gave the thief his heart.
Was it the heart of a murderer?

Autolycus puts down the sword. Tarsus rolls over the bed.

AUTOLYCUS
All right, Xena, you've been waiting for this moment
since we started, some good, old-fashioned,
kick-but, that's-my-Warrior-Princess action.

Tarsus lets his guards in.

TARSUS
Kill them!

XENA
Retreat.

AUTOLYCUS
What?

XENA
We got a plan, remember?!

Autolycus puts his arms around Xena's neck and she flips them over the guards, ululating. They leave.

TARSUS
After them, you idiots!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Autolycus run outside. Gabrielle joins them.

GABRIELLE
The Scylosians are coming!

TARSUS
Get them!

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus fight the guards.

EXTRA
What are you doing?!

AUTOLYCUS
Ooh! Whoa! Whoa!

Tarsus faces off with Autolycus.

TARSUS
You loved your brother so much. Say "Hi" to him
in the Underworld!

Autolycus wins. Xena stands before a group of guards.

XENA
Come on. Come play with me, huh?

Xena beats the guards.

AUTOLYCUS
Okay, Xena, up and over.

Xena picks up Autolycus and swings him. He hits the guards, knocking them down.

EXTRA
Let's get of here!

EXTRA
They're too much for us!

EXTRA
Quickly!

EXTRA
Run for your lives!

EXTRA
This way!

EXTRA
Hurry! Hurry!

The guards retreat as the Scylosian General and his men enter.

SCYLOSIAN GENERAL
Tarsus!

TARSUS
Oh!

He coughs.

SCYLOSIAN GENERAL
Tarsus!

TARSUS
General, your timing is perfect. Arrest these
people! They're trying to deprive you of your gold.

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus are gone.

SCYLOSIAN GENERAL
I'm afraid we have a different sense of humour
in Scylosia. So, where is it? The gold?!

TARSUS
Where is it? What are you, blind?! It hasn't been
melted down yet, but the statue is right there,
against that-

The statue is gone too.

TARSUS
But, i--it was there! I stole it!

Autolycus enters from behind a barrel.

AUTOLYCUS
You stole it? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, now, how
can that be? Obviously, it's not even here, unless
someone stole it from you, someone like, uh,
oh, what's his name, um, Autolycus, the King of Thieves?

SCYLOSIAN GENERAL
So, I'm negotiating with you?

AUTOLYCUS
No, sorry. I've made other arrangements. Heh.

SCYLOSIAN GENERAL
(to Tarsus) You ever offer me goods you don't
have again, I'll slash your throat!

The Scylosian General leaves. Tarsus attacks Autolycus.

TARSUS
Ah-h-h-h!

Xena knocks him out.

XENA
Autolycus, I hope you don't mind that I-

AUTOLYCUS
No, no, say no more. Sometimes, your way is, uh,
just fine. Well, looks like my plan worked rather well.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, they'll be talking about you from Scylosia
to Britannia.

XENA
Now, let's get that statue back home. They'll be
happy to have the guy who stole it, too.

Autolycus leans against the fake wall painted to hide the statue.

AUTOLYCUS
You know the problem with your greatest work?
You can never tell anyone how you did it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adar exits his home and yawns. Then he sees Pax.

ADAR
By Zeus and all the gods! Pax is back! Pax is
back! Hey! Hey! Wake up, you guys! Pax is back!
Come on! Pax is back! This is incredible! Pax is
back! I cannot believe what I'm seeing! Look!
Pax is back! Pax is back! This is absolutely fantastic!

GABRIELLE
That's what makes doing work like this worthwhile.

AUTOLYCUS
Yes, half-naked men screaming through the
square...I see your point.

GABRIELLE
Autolycus? Tell me you don't feel a little bit
happy that you've given the people their statue back.

AUTOLYCUS
I'll tell you what makes me feel a little bit better
is knowing that the crown of-

GABRIELLE
The King of Thieves-

AUTOLYCUS
Has been restored again. And if these people
wanna feel happy, well, that's okay, too. Xena.

Xena speaks with Ezra's voice.

XENA
Autolycus, baby?

AUTOLYCUS
I tried to thank you back there at the castle.

XENA
Mm-hmm?

AUTOLYCUS
But, you are not an easy person to thank.

XENA
I don't need any thanks.

AUTOLYCUS
I'm sure you don't. And I don't have gems, or money,
or anything else of value to offer you, except this.

He kisses her cheek.

AUTOLYCUS
You are the second-best thief I've ever met. And
if you ever need to get inside my body again, you
just look me up.

XENA
Thanks.

AUTOLYCUS
Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Yes?

Gabrielle holds up her cheek, but Autolycus doesn't kiss her, just takes her hand.

AUTOLYCUS
You'll miss me.

EXTRA
Autolycus! The man of my dreams!

AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, what a sweet sound.

Autolycus speaks with Bentley's voice.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, you'll pardon me, uh, my public awaits.

Autolycus leaves.

XENA
Ta-ta.

GABRIELLE
How does it feel to be a thief?

XENA
Second-best?

Xena speaks with Ezra's voice.

XENA
He's got some noive.

She chuckles.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Bruce Campbell as Autolycus
Jon Brazier as Tarsus
John O'Leary as Adar
Ian Harrop as Wharfmaster
Adrian Keeling as Scylosian General
Cherie Bray-Taylor as Thea
Campbell Cooley as First Guard
Greg Morman as Drunk Villager
Tomas Leary as Assistant

Written by: Terence Winter
Directed by: Andrew Merrifield

Disclaimer: Upon completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' Scuba Gear was placed on display at the Athens Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.