Warrior...Priestess...Tramp


TEASER

Warriors fight. Leah enters, dressed as Xena.

EXTRA
Xena?

LEAH
You Dexon?

Dexon steps out.

DEXON
You lookin' to die?

Leah draws her sword and drops it on the ground.

DEXON
What is this? Some kind of a trick?

LEAH
I come in peace.

DEXON
Right and I'm Cupid, spreading love wherever I
go. What do you really want?

LEAH
To see you give up your wawwior ways. The
violence that you thrive on is a disease, Dexon.
It grows inside you. And it wobs you of your humanity.

DEXON
You say that like it's a bad thing.

LEAH
It is, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can
put aside our differences. We can bury our
weapons. We can learn to live together in peace.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes, to sacrifice everything.

DEXON
You've got a knife stashed under that breastplate.

LEAH
Dexon-

She starts to take off her armour.

LEAH
-maybe this will convince you to twust me. Look
at me, Dexon. See me as I truly am. Not a
wawwior, but a champion of peace, willing to die
for it.

DEXON
I'm moved, truly. I hardly know what to say, except,
grab her!

Leah faints and two warriors catch her and take her away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle enters a square.

EXTRA
Isn't that Xena?

EXTRA
They're going to burn her at the stake!

GABRIELLE
Have you lost your mind?

Leah is tied to a stake.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing? These people are going to
kill you.

LEAH
I am not afraid to die. Not if it is Hestia's will.

GABRIELLE
Hestia? The virgin goddess? What does she
have to do with the price of grapes in Carthage?

LEAH
She is my salvation. I do as she ordains.

GABRIELLE
Since when?

DEXON
All right, boys, light her up!

The logs around Leah are lit.

GABRIELLE
Here, catch!

Gabrielle tosses a dagger at Leah. It flies by her.

LEAH
Hey!

GABRIELLE
I get it. This is about me bugging you for more
responsibility, isn't it? You wanna see if I can rescue
you without your help. I can do that. Excuse me.

Gabrielle grabs a blanket and starts to put out the flames.

DEXON
Get the girl!

Gabrielle is picked up and moved.

GABRIELLE
Hey! Let me go! What do you think you're doing?
Son of a Bacchae! (to Leah) You happy now?! Of
all the stubborn, pig-headed-

Gabrielle sees a barrel of water. She puts a board underneath it, but she's not heavy enough to lift it.

BLACKSMITH
Hey! What do you think you're doing?!

GABRIELLE
None of your business...Tubby. That's right, I'm
talking to you.

BLACKSMITH
Come here!

He moves to hit her, but she moves and he lands on the board, sending the barrel flying. It puts out the flame. Gabrielle takes Xena's sword from a warrior.

GABRIELLE
Thanks. (to Leah) I guess you're not gonna help
me with this, either.

LEAH
Well, if it is Hestia's will, uh-

GABRIELLE
I'm not laughing!

DEXON
(to Blacksmith) You're dead!

BLACKSMITH
It wasn't me, it was her!

DEXON
Stop them!

Gabrielle lights a fire.

GABRIELLE
Go!

EXTRA
Come back here, you!

GABRIELLE
Toward the left! Go! Hurry!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle shoves Leah into an alley.

GABRIELLE
Get in there.

EXTRA
They must've gone this way!

GABRIELLE
You almost got us killed! What were you thinking?

LEAH
I'm on a mission.

GABRIELLE
A mission? Well, you had better fill me in.
Because, this--this, burning yourself at the
stake stuff is way over the top.

LEAH
Hey!

GABRIELLE
You left your chakram at the square! Yeah, well,
you're gonna have to get it! Unless you want
me to do it.

XENA
My child, you seem a little troubled.

GABRIELLE
"Troubled" is a polite word for what I am!

She pauses.

GABRIELLE
Callisto, you've come back somehow, to drive me
insane! Pr--Princess Diana, I--I should have
known, I...Meg? You really had me going. You're
not Meg.

LEAH
Permit me to introduce myself. I am Leah, head
priestess of the temple of Hestia.

GABRIELLE
You're kidding me, right?

LEAH
No.

GABRIELLE
A Hestian virgin?

LEAH
Are there any other sort?

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
This is almost too good.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena is sharpening her sword. Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Hi, Xena.

XENA
Hi. Sorry, I didn't catch up with you today. I ran into
Zagreus near Corinth. Said he'd assembled a
new army. Turns out to be an imaginary one. Worse
than it is.

Gabrielle laughs.

XENA
What are you grinning at?

GABRIELLE
You see, I ran into someone in town.

XENA
Mmm.

GABRIELLE
Someone really, really interesting. At least, I
think you'll find her interesting.

XENA
Mm-hmm.

GABRIELLE
Xena, for once, can you just--just play along?

XENA
All right. Gee, Gabrielle, who is it? I simply have
to know. The suspense is killing-

Leah enters.

XENA
Diana.

LEAH
Oh.

GABRIELLE
Nope.

XENA
Meg.

LEAH
Oh.

GABRIELLE
That's wrong again.

She laughs.

GABRIELLE
You give up? Xena, Warrior Princess, meet Leah,
the priestess. The Hestian priestess.
The Hestian virgin priestess.

LEAH
Ye gods on Mount Olympus. It's a miracle. Let's
join hands and praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise
Hestia! Praise Hestia! Pwaise-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a cave.

GABRIELLE
So, you cast these stones and they told you to
confront Dexon.

LEAH
Oh, not just stones. Hestian stones, the voice
of the goddess herself.

XENA
What about that outfit?

LEAH
I found this vile garment in my chamber. No offense.

XENA
None taken.

LEAH
I took it as a sign from the goddess, dress like
a wawwior to confwont a wawwior. I had no idea
I'd be mistaken for you.

GABRIELLE
Then, you always listen to Hestia.

LEAH
Well, of course. It's not my place to question the
wisdom of the goddess. We must all place our
faith in Hestia. Do I sense a non-believer among us?

XENA
I just think that you'd do better if you put more faith
in yourself.

LEAH
Well, looks like someone's caught a speeding
chariot straight for Tartarus. What about you,
Gabrielle? Hmm? Surely, you place more faith
in the all-knowing, ever-powerful gods than
you do in yourself.

XENA
Yeah.

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
Actually, I'm with Xena on this one.

LEAH
Ah-h. Heathens to the left of me, infidels to the
right. Huh. Tremendous. Next thing, you'll be telling
me you're not virgins.

They say nothing. Leah turns her head and holds her hands in front of her.

XENA
(to Gabrielle) Can I have a word with you?

GABRIELLE
Excuse us, Priestess?

Xena and Gabrielle step off to the side.

LEAH
Oh, yes, I think I'm in need of a little quiet reflection.
Oh, Hestia. If denying the flesh is the path to true
wighteousness, then what lessons can I learn
from these wanton strumpets?

GABRIELLE
You don't have to be a virgin to be virtuous.

LEAH
Oh, yes. You keep telling yourself that, dear.

XENA
Something is wrong, here.

GABRIELLE
I'll say. I thought all Hestians were sweet and
kind and-

XENA
Never mind that. Someone is using Leah's blind
devotion and me to do her harm. Maybe even to
kill her. We should take her back where she belongs,
and get to the bottom of this.

LEAH
And how can I pass your wisdom on to these
women of questionable virtue, who so obviously
disregard the purity of their own bodies.

GABRIELLE
I was married at the time.

LEAH Yes, well, we all have our little excuses, don't we?
Xena is wearing a smirk on her face.

GABRIELLE
(to Xena) Were you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The virgins move into the temple. Xena, Leah and Gabrielle enter, wearing robes.

THORACLES
Virgins only.

GABRIELLE
What is it, written on my forehead? Look, it's all right.
My friend and I have brought back Priestess Leah.

THORACLES
What are you talking about? The Priestess is
right there.

Meg stands with Balius.

BALIUS
And now, the Priestess Leah will lead us all in
a prayer.

MEG
Okay, so let's kick off today's ceremony with a
parable. A centaur and a Cyclops go into a bar.
And the bartender says to the Cyclops-

Balius clears his throat.

MEG
Is there a problem, huh?

BALIUS
Everyone is waiting here to hear Hestia's divine
message. The Hestian stones, your Eminence.

MEG
Aw, well, now we're talkin'. Come in, seven! Priestess
needs new sandals.

GABRIELLE
That's Meg.

XENA
Well, it sure ain't no virgin.

BYSTANDER/DRUNK
I couldn't help overhearing. If you're looking for
Meg, she owns a tavern down the road. Catch
you there later?

GABRIELLE
Don't count on it.

MEG
Okay, girls, be honest. Who among us here is
really is a virgin?

GABRIELLE
Xena, what is she up to?

XENA
I don't know, but I'm goin' to find out. Take Leah
to that tavern. She'll be safe there if you disguise
her as Meg.

LEAH
But, why would I need a disguise? A Hestian
virgin is welcome everywhere.

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
Wait, now, where are you going?

XENA
To talk to an old friend.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leah's chamber. Meg is heard from the hall.

MEG
I knew there'd be something to drink around here.

Meg enters with a bottle of wine in her hands, dancing. Xena enters.

XENA
Hello, Meg.

MEG
What are you doing here?

XENA
I could ask you the same thing.

MEG
You got some nerve, Priestess. Abandoning
your flock just when they needed ya. And a woman
of the cloth. Probably out sewing your wild oats.
Ya make me sick. Go on, get outta here!

Meg shoves Xena.

XENA
You don't wanna be doing that, Meg.

MEG
Oh, so, the little virgin wants to play rough, huh?
Eh? How'd you like a trip to Mount Olympus, courtesy
of my fist?!

Meg throws a punch, but Xena catches her hand.

MEG
Hello, Xena.

XENA
Hello, Meg.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Leah move along. Leah is wearing a dress.

LEAH
Oh, very well, I will play the part of the wetched
lush, Meg, but I hardly think anyone will be fooled.

GABRIELLE
Yes, they will.

Gabrielle rips Leah's dress, showing more skin.

LEAH
You really are a very nice, albeit misguided, young
person, Gabrielle. It's a great pity I didn't get hold
of you sooner. You would've made an excellent Hestian.

GABRIELLE
Thanks. I don't think so.

LEAH
Well, the chaste life's not so bad. Once you get
used to it. You simply have to follow the Hestian
rules. Rule one: Know thyself. Rule two: Whatever-

GABRIELLE
Believe me. If I have to go the rest of my life without
companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem.
There you go, you're done! Can you look sexy? Alluring?

LEAH
Oh.

She sighs and leans on the tree.

LEAH
Do I capture her essence?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

LEAH
It's not going to be as hard as I thought.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Meg is on the bed. Xena sits in a chair.

MEG
So, Balius comes to me with a sob story that
Leah's disappearance deserted those poor girls,
I mean, virgins. He asked me to fill in for her
at the ceremony tonight. You know, hand out the
wine, make up a few blessings. And I thought,
what the hey, I'm in the mood for a good deed.

XENA
Tell me more about Balius.

MEG
Bali? Well, he's the head priest. A bit of a cream
puff if you ask me.

Xena takes out a Hestian dress.

MEG
What are you doing?

XENA
I'm going to take your place. I'm gonna find out
who's trying to get Leah and why. Stay here.
And don't make trouble.

Xena leaves.

MEG
How could I make trouble? I'm a virgin!

She lies on bed and bounces on it.

MEG
Great bed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg's tavern. Gabrielle and Leah enter.

GABRIELLE
Meg, what happened?

BORDELLO GIRL #1
Meg, where have you been? We got problems.
Kara's got some guy in room three. I think she's
giving him a freebie.

LEAH
A fweebie? Gabrielle, what's she talking about?

GABRIELLE
Um, what Meg means is, why not let me, um, her
new assistant, help you? That's good thinking,
Meg. Why don't you just wait by the bar and I'll
be back.

LEAH
Oh.

GABRIELLE
Okay, I'm ready, huh. I think.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Ladies, Meg, your prayers have been answered.

EXTRAS
Joxer! Look, it's Joxer!

Joxer pulls out an accordion.

JOXER
Ha-ha.

EXTRAS
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
(singing) Joxer the Mighty,
Master of virility,
Every woman wants him,
He's so sexy it's a sin,
If you want a special tryst,
He's the man you can't resist,
By every measure he's a prize!

JOXER
(singing) Just check out my shoe size!

EXTRAS
(singing) Just check out his shoe size!

JOXER
Ha-Ha!

EXTRAS
(singing) He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!

Joxer has a lyre solo.

JOXER
Ha-Ha!

EXTRAS
(singing) Joxer the Mighty,
Captain of debauchery.
Never seems to get enough
Of our tantalizing stuff.
If you need some company,
With Joxer there's a guarantee,

JOXER
(singing) Of the highest potency!

BORDELLO GIRL #3
(singing) Heck, I'd even work for free!

Joxer grabs Leah.

LEAH
Take your filthy hands off me!

JOXER
Hmm?

EXTRAS
(singing) He's, Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!

LEAH
What do you think you are doing? I am a Hestian virgin!

JOXER
Oh, oh, I, oh! Right. Well, um perhaps, the, uh,
"Hestian virgin" would like to teach naughty Joxer
a lesson. Ha-ha!

Joxer bends over for a spanking. Gabrielle enters.

JOXER
I'm waitin', my little donut. Hi, Gabrielle. Hi, Gabrielle.
Ah, ah, hi, hi, hi. How you doing? Good, fine. I'm
just, I'm fine. Uh, what're you doing here?

GABRIELLE
Huh! I'd like to ask you the same thing.

JOXER
Oh.

GABRIELLE
But, I don't want to know. Come here.

Gabrielle and Leah exit.

JOXER
Oh. Oh, oh, I can't, oh, sheesh! Wait a minute.
The woman I love is working here. I've gotta stop
her. On the other hand, I am just a small business
transaction away from pressing my lips against
her. What am I saying?

BORDELLO GIRL #3
Yeah.

Gabrielle and Leah re-enter.

JOXER
Gabrielle, whatever terrible tragedy brought you
into this life, I want you to stop it.

GABRIELLE
Joxer, it's a long story, but I do not work here. Okay-

Gabrielle pulls Joxer aside. Leah prays silently behind them.

JOXER
Wa--wa--wa--wa--wait--wait--wait. So, you--you're
on a mission?

GABRIELLE
Right. Um, I think you should know this. This is
not Meg. This is Leah, the Hestian priestess.

JOXER
Wait--wait--wait a minute--wait a minute. Meg,
has a double, which looks-

GABRIELLE
Yeah?

JOXER
-like a virgin priestess.

GABRIELLE
Mmm.

Joxer puts his head in his hands.

GABRIELLE
You okay?

JOXER
Of course I'm not okay! I just defiled a virgin Priestess.

Gabrielle grabs Leah and they leave.

GABRIELLE
Let's go. Come on.

JOXER
I'm going straight to Tartarus, now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg plays with the wine bottle, getting it stuck on her finger. She takes it off and then leaves the room.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena looks around Balius' room. She finds a Deilian necklace. Balius enters.

BALIUS
What're you doing?

XENA
Bali. I just got bored, so I started lookin' around.

She starts swinging a necklace.

XENA
This is pretty! What is it? It's not a Hestian medallion.
Something tells me you're not a Hestian priest.

Balius grabs Xena's neck.

BALIUS
You breathe a word to anyone, you're dead!

XENA
You got something cooking against the Hestians?
Come on. Cut me in on the action.

BALIUS
We'll see. For now, just you play your part, my
little tramp.

Thoracles enters and clears his throat. Balius releases Xena.

THORACLES
Balius. May I have a word with you, in private?

XENA
Oh, I can take a hint. See you later, Bali.

Xena leaves.

THORACLES
Who was that woman?

BALIUS
Meg, of course. Why?

THORACLES
If that was Meg, who's at the temple altar, polishing
off the sacrificial wine?

Balius leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg drinks the wine. She sees some dinars and drops them down her cleavage.

BALIUS
Hello, Meg.

MEG
Bali. I was just making a contribution.

She drops a coin in the bowl.

MEG
Hey, you know everyone around the temple, maybe
you can help. Does Leah have any enemies?
Someone who might be trying to knock her off
and take over as Priestess?

BALIUS
Why do you ask?

MEG
I'm just trying to help out a friend. She says someone
might be trying to kill Leah.

BALIUS
Would that friend be Xena?

MEG
I can't say. But if you can't trust a man of the
cloth, who can ya trust, huh? Yeah, it's Xena. She's
a really, really good friend of mine. She's checking
out the temple as we speak.

BALIUS
Thank Hestia she's here. Tell me, is Leah all right?

MEG
Yeah, couldn't be better. She's hiding out at my
place, pretending to be me. Ain't that a kick in
the head.

BALIUS
It certainly is. In any event, I'm gonna need your
services for the ceremony tonight. You're the
only one who can do justice to the part.

MEG
Really? I'm that good?

BALIUS
Absolutely. The ceremony wouldn't be the same
without you.

MEG
Excellent. Okay.

Meg leaves. Thoracles enters.

BALIUS
Xena's here. Take a contingent of guards and
search the temple. Make sure she doesn't escape.

THORACLES
What about the Priestess?

BALIUS
Xena can't be in two places at once. I'll send a
few men down to the tavern, to slit Leah's throat.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Meg dances down the hallway. Xena grabs her and pulls her aside.

XENA
I thought I told you to stay put.

MEG
Ah, well, I got thirsty.

XENA
You were wrong about Balius. He's a Deilian.
They despise all Hestians. He set Leah up, and
he's got plans for the other Hestians as well.
Something wrong?

Meg shakes her head.

MEG
Mm-mm. Mm.

XENA
All right. You stay out of sight. I need more time
to check out what he's up to.

MEG
Okay.

Xena leaves. Meg frowns.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The virgins join Xena.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
Priestess, it's time for declarations.

XENA
Look, can--can this wait? I'm really busy right now.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
What's gotten into you? You know we must declare
our sins to you at the same time every day.

Xena moves behind a wall.

XENA
Shoot.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
It all started in the garden. I was happily tilling the
soil when my eyes fell upon something magnificent.
The summer squash.

Thoracles attacks Xena.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
Priestess?

XENA
Go on, I'm listening.

Xena fights Thoracles while the virgin talks.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
My mind raced. Surely, the gods wouldn't have
given us such a firm vegetable. Is everything
all right, Priestess?

XENA
Yes, perfect. Go on.

Xena puts the Pinch on Thoracles.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
Well-

XENA
So, Balius knows I'm here. What else does he know?

THORACLES
He knows about Leah. He sent men to Meg's
place to kill her.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
What was that, Priestess?

XENA
Ah, nothing. Please continue. (to Thoracles) And
the other Hestians, what's he going to do with them?

THORACLES
He's gonna kill 'em at the ceremony. That's all
I know!

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
I can't even enjoy salad without feeling guilty.

Xena knocks out Thoracles and moves away.

HESTIAN VIRGIN #1
Wait! I need your advice.

XENA
Look. Sometimes, it is best to take matters into
your own hands.

Xena leaves. The other virgins join the first one.

EXTRA
Well?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leah moves around the tavern.

LEAH
Gabrielle. Where are you?

Leah opens a door. A woman screams and a man laughs. Leah shuts the door. She opens another.

LEAH
Gab-

There is the sound of a cracking whip.

EXTRA
Who's been a naughty blacksmith?

EXTRA
I have.

LEAH
Ohh!

Leah shuts the door and opens another. A sheep bleats and a man cries out in pleasure.

LEAH
I hope that's a petting zoo. Oh, please, let that
be a petting zoo! Sweet Hestia, I'm in a den of filth!

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Leah?! What are you doing here?!

LEAH
Oh.

A whip cracks.

EXTRA
Ow!

LEAH
Gabrielle, you knew what kind of a place
this was, and you still kept me here with
these--these...harlots.

GABRIELLE
N--now look. I, I know this place isn't perfect.
And--and--and maybe it was a bad idea to bring
you here, but, but, Leah, if you stop to think about
it, what better place for a person like you to do
some good?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle enters. Leah is dressed in a Hestian virgin dress.

EXTRAS
(singing) Onward virgin soldiers, marching us
to war.

LEAH
Please, you have to be supported by your diaphwagm.
All right, we'll try it one more time.

EXTRAS
(singing) Onward virgin soldiers, marching us
to war.

LEAH
I'll make virgins of them yet. Smile!

EXTRAS
(singing) Onward virgin soldiers-

Bordello Girl #1 enters.

BORDELLO GIRL #1
Hey, girls, there's a whole bunch of guards
coming down from the Hestian temple. Looks
like it's gonna be a busy night!

LEAH
Well all right, but remember to practice those
high notes!

GABRIELLE
We've got trouble.

LEAH
Hmm?

GABRIELLE
Where did you get this outfit?

LEAH
I found it in a back room. There were lots of
costumes in there. Maybe they're planning a party.

GABRIELLE
Never mind. Look, you've gotta hide. I'll try to
convince them you're not here. And, the choir
was a nice touch.

LEAH
It was, wasn't it? Gabrielle, thanks. (singing)
Onward Virgin...

Leah leaves.

BORDELLO GIRL #1
Okay, girls, now thank you. Be busy, make me
proud, have a good time. (to Gabrielle) And we've
got the basement all ready for you. Are you coming?

GABRIELLE
Yeah, I'll be right there.

BORDELLO GIRL #1
Okay, fine, dear.

Meg enters.

GABRIELLE
I thought I told you to hide. Look, it's gonna be
all right, come on.

Gabrielle leads Meg away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

EXTRA
Keep moving.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer enters the room where Meg is.

JOXER
Your Holiness. Please, forgive me. To think I
could've mistaken someone like you, an innocent,
sheltered woman, for somebody like Meg, who's
been around the block plenty, believe me. You
may give me your punishment as you see fit.

Meg punches Joxer.

MEG
Hah!

Meg leaves. Leah enters. Joxer moans.

JOXER
Why? Aww, boy, you virgins pack a wallop. Must
be all that pent-up energy.

LEAH
I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just
looking for a place to hide.

JOXER
From who?

LEAH
The temple guards. I should've straightened
this out while I had the chance. Who could expect
Meg to play a convincing virgin? Once it's over,
it's over!

JOXER
Wait a minute! You mean Meg is posing as you
in the temple!

LEAH
Well, at least she was. I don't know where I
am. Oh, the guards. They must have discovered
her. That's why they're here!

JOXER
Then Meg's in trouble. I've got to save her. Say
a prayer for me, Priestess. Ugh!

Joxer hits himself with the door on his way out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg enters the room Xena is in.

MEG
Oh, Leah I know you're really mad at me, and I
don't blame you one little bit, but I swear, I didn't
know that Bali was a bad guy.

XENA
Meg, I-

MEG
No, you gotta give me a chance to make it up to
ya. Bali's guards are outside, so you stay here
and I'll go out there and pretend to be you pretending
to be me. See?

Guards enter.

MEG
Curses! Too late! Step back!

She pushes Xena back.

MEG
It's me you want. I am the holy woman!

Xena flips over Meg and beats up the guards with a yell.

MEG
Hello, Xena. I'm sorry I messed up.

XENA
It's all right, Meg.

GABRIELLE
-so I can hear them.

Gabrielle pushes Leah in the room. The three look-a-likes stand together.

XENA
You all right?

GABRIELLE
Okay. I can do this. You're Leah. You must be-

Meg takes the coins out of her cleavage.

MEG
Souvenirs are giving me chafing.

GABRIELLE
Meg. And that means that you-

XENA
Just glad everyone's all in one piece. How many
guards are outside?

GABRIELLE
Too many. And they're well armed.

MEG
Don't worry about that. My girls will take care of them.

GABRIELLE
Well, that's great, but we have a bigger problem.
Joxer's gone to the temple to save you, Meg.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The temple.

BALIUS
Fools! How could you let Meg escape?! If she's
not here to pose as Leah at tonight's ceremony,
my plan will never succeed! The stupid trollop
is probably back at the tavern, protected by Xena!
How am I gonna get her back in time?!

JOXER
I'll save you, Meg!

He breaks through the window. He lands at the feet of the guards.

JOXER
Ugh. Ugh. Oh. Meg. Gee, you got big feet for a girl.
I always thought that the g--g-hi fellas. Nice uniforms.
Got your tailor's address? You know, we could all
get together and have lunch some evening. Well,
I'll call you then. Bye-bye.

Joxer turns to leave, but the guards grab him.

BALIUS
A gift from the gods.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle, Meg and Xena face Leah. The guards are all asleep.

XENA
I think our work here is done. Meg, you and your
girls did a great job. Now, we have to get Leah
back to the temple and show Balius up for what
he really is. Come on.

Xena and Gabrielle leave.

LEAH
Bye. Bye.

Leah hugs Meg.

MEG
Good luck.

LEAH
Bye. Bye.

Balius grabs Leah.

LEAH
What do you want of me?

BALIUS
You, my dear wench, are gonna help me fulfill
my greatest fantasy, wipe the Hestian virgins off
the face of the earth! Guards!

The guards take Leah.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

The drinks are poisoned.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The virgins enter.

LEAH
Hi, evewyone. I think I'm getting stage-fwight.
You don't want me to lose it all over them virgins,
do ya?

BALIUS
I'll take my chances. You want Joxer to live, don't
you, Priestess?

LEAH
Yeah.

Leah moves to drink from one of the cups.

BALIUS
You don't want to do that.

LEAH
Poison?

BALIUS
Give each of them a glass, and then read this
proclamation, written in Hestian. Then they'll drink
the poison and it will all be over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena holds a sword behind her back. She knocks on a door. Thoracles comes out. Xena moves to fight, but loses the sword. Thoracles grabs her.

THORACLES
Priestess Leah.

Thoracles pulls Xena inside.

XENA
I need help, Xena!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leah gives each virgin a glass. Thoracles enters.

THORACLES
We've captured the priestess trying to enter the
temple. Shall we execute her?

BALIUS
Throw her in the dungeon. I wanna see the look
on her face when all her sweet little Hestians are dead.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is in the prison.

JOXER
You connect anyone in mythology, back with the
great warrior, Thalidopes. Okay, look. Let's say
we wanted to connect Echidna, the mother of all
monsters, with Thalidopes. Okay, now you're
probably saying, "How's he gonna do that, right?
It's like-

He shows the distance with his hands.

JOXER
"-right?" Okay, well, um, Echidna met Hercules,
who saved her baby, Obi and Hercules met
Thalidopes, when he rescued the golden fleece.
Get it? Okay, you wanna try it?

Thoracles enters.

THORACLES
Open up!

Xena is thrown into the cell.

THORACLES
Here's the priestess to keep you company. But
don't get too cozy.

Thoracles hits Joxer's hand.

JOXER
Ow!

THORACLES
You'll both be dead by dawn.

Thoracles leaves.

JOXER
Yeah, well don't bet on it, roadblock! Eh, the nerve
of that guy. Don't worry about it, Priestess, I'll take
care of everything. You just wait. First of all, gotta
get that big dumb-looking guy with the keys to
come over. Then once he's lured in, I'll wait for
the right moment and pounce on him!

Xena takes out the guard by throwing a lasso around his neck and pulling him into the bars. Xena takes the keys and gets out.

JOXER
Yeah. Then I'll grab the keys from him, stick 'em
in the door, turn it, and let us out. I tell you, it's so
easy, Priestess, any idiot could do it.

Xena walks by.

XENA
Come on, idiot.

JOXER
Hi, Xena.

Joxer follows Xena out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meg and Gabrielle enter and fight the guards that attack them.

GABRIELLE
Come on!

Gabrielle and Meg run out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple.

LEAH
And now we'll pause for a bwief musical interlude.

Balius glares at her. She opens the scroll.

LEAH
These are the words of Hestia. "Dama anowee."

The virgins kneel.

LEAH
"Esti kai kalowee. Esti kalowee kai. Esti kalowee kai."

The virgins drink and fall down.

BALIUS
Worshipers of Hestia, see what your goddess
has done. She has killed those most loyal to her-

Gabrielle and Meg enter.

BALIUS
-and betrayed your trust. It's time you all converted
to Deilianism, the one true religion. Hestianism
is dead, not by the hand of man, but by the very
words of the goddess herself.

LEAH
Kalistweea. Kalowee kai.

The virgins stand and spit out the wine.

EXTRA
It's a miracle!

BALIUS
I don't understand. You told them not to swallow.
You're not Meg. The only woman who knows
the ancient Hestian language is...Leah.

LEAH
That's wight, Bali. And you're headed for the
dungeon, my man!

BALIUS
Not before you die.

He draws a dagger. Joxer enters.

JOXER
Unhand that Hestian!

BALIUS
You can't stop me!

Joxer is knocked out. Xena gives her yell, and throws her chakram which knocks the dagger from Balius' hand. Xena catches it, now dressed in her normal clothes.

BALIUS
Get her!

Xena, Gabrielle and Meg fight the guards.

BALIUS
I will succeed, Priestess, even if I have to kill
every Hestian myself, starting with you.

Balius takes Leah away. The fight continues. Meg hits a guard with her head.

MEG
Ouch!

The fighting continues. Xena moves over to Gabrielle who is in the middle of fighting.

XENA
Can you come take over here?

GABRIELLE
My pleasure!

Xena leaves.

MEG
Excellent!

Meg and Gabrielle keep fighting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena enters the room Balius has run into.

BALIUS
Stay away from us!

XENA
You're a religious man, Balius. I got three words
for you. Say your prayers.

Xena gives her yell and kicks Balius across the room. Xena draws her sword and they fight. Xena gives her yell during the battle. Xena punches Balius, who spins to face Leah. Leah knocks him out with a punch.

XENA
Leah. What would Hestia say about your use of
physical violence?

LEAH
In this case, I think she'd say, "Nicely done."

Xena smiles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The temple.

EXTRA
Behind the bush!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Leah stands before everyone, Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer before her. Meg is in the crowd.

LEAH
I just wanted to show my gratitude. I know that,
I know that I may have misjudged you.

GABRIELLE
Maybe a little.

LEAH
Maybe a lot. I guess I never really thought there
was anything worthwhile outside the temple, but
you've proved me wrong, and I'm glad. Thank you.
(to Gabrielle) I still think you'd make a gweat virgin.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Leah
Lucy Lawless as Meg
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Macgregor Cameron as Balius
Matty J. Ruys as Dexon
Ted Clarke as Thoracles
Tim Hosking as Blacksmith
Rob Sinkinson as Bystander/Drunk
Megan Nicol as Hestian Virgin #1
Jan Hellriegel as Hestia
Fred Morton as Bordello Girl #1
Jodie Dorday as Bordello Girl #2
Rachale Davies as Bordello Girl #3
Polly Baigent as Xena/Leah/Meg Body Double
Bobbie McKay as Xena/Leah/Meg Body Double

Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Robert Ginty

Disclaimer: Despite another Xena look-alike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.