Déjà Vu All Over Again


TEASER

Modern day. Annie and Harry's house at night.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie sleeps.

ANNIE
It's all right, Gabrielle. I'm coming.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Callisto."

CALLISTO
Now, we determine who is the best. You and I in
a fight 'til death. And to make things even more
interesting, take her up!

THEODORUS
Take her up!

GABRIELLE
Do something!

JOXER
What do you expect me to do?!

GABRIELLE
Xena! Oh, this is really high.

CALLISTO
Light it. Any time you're ready, Xena.

EXTRA
All right!

EXTRA
Yeah! Come on!

GABRIELLE
Come on, Xena! You're almost there!

EXTRA
She's yours!

GABRIELLE
Xena!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie wakes up.

ANNIE
Harry-

HARRY
Huh?

ANNIE
-wake up.

HARRY
All right.

ANNIE
Harry!

HARRY
What?

ANNIE
I just had a vision. An awakening.

She turns on the light beside her bed. Annie puts on her glasses.

ANNIE
Self-revelation.

HARRY
Don't forget about the pint 'a Haagen-Dazs and
the bean burrito.

Annie burps.

HARRY
They'll just give you nightmares.

ANNIE
This was not a nightmare, Harry. It was an epiphany.
I was really there.

HARRY
Where?

ANNIE
I had a past-life experience.

HARRY
Okay, let me guess. You were, uh, Susan B. Anthony?

ANNIE
(whispers) No.

HARRY
Eleanor Roosevelt?

ANNIE
(whispers) No.

HARRY
Queen Elizabeth?

ANNIE
(whispers) No.

HARRY
Um, I give up.

ANNIE
In a time of ancient gods...I was Xena,
the Warrior Princess.

Harry sighs.

HARRY
That does it. I'm cutting you off.

He gets out of bed and moves over to a Xena stand-up.

HARRY
No more internet chat rooms and I'm dumping
this thing.

He picks up the stand-up. He turns to see Annie, holding her "Xena" sword on him.

ANNIE
Get your hands off that, Harry.

He puts down the stand-up.

HARRY
Okay. Have you totally lost your mind?

ANNIE
I'm warning ya Harry, you don't know what you're
dealing with!

She waves a newspaper clipping in his face.

ANNIE
(whispers) Read it.

Harry takes the article.

ANNIE
Read it. It came from yesterday's paper.

HARRY
Okay. Gonna just turn the light on.

He turns on a light behind the stand-up.

ANNIE
Come on, Harry. Hurry.

Harry clears his throat ans reads.

HARRY
"Vigilante strikes again. A woman dressed as
Xena, Warrior Princess saved an elderly man
from being mugged yesterday at the-"

ANNIE and HARRY
"-Mason Street mall."

HARRY
"It's the third time in two weeks that the vigilante
has struck." What are you saying? That was you?

ANNIE
I know it sounds crazy and I have no memory of
it, but look. Look! See these marks on my
sword? It's as if it's been used in battle and the
same with my chakram. I mean, how did they get
there? Harry. Harry, I think I've been doing these
things on the nights when you're working late
at the hospital.

HARRY
Um, it says here that the vigilante struck with
acrobatic athleticism. Annie you need a rubdown
after a game of croquet.

Harry takes the sword.

ANNIE
Uh, but when my body is taken over by my
previous life spirit, Xena, Warrior Princess, I clearly
become a very dangerous woman.

HARRY
And you actually believe this?

ANNIE
No, I didn't until now. But that vision convinced
me, I am the Xena vigilante.

Harry sighs.

HARRY
Annie...you need to get some help.

ANNIE
Help? I should see a counselor, huh?

HARRY
Wonderful idea. I'm so relieved.

ANNIE
A past-lives counselor.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Mattie's office.

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Annie and Harry enter Mattie's office. There's a sign above the door that reads, "WELCOME TO WHO YOU USED TO BE."

EXTRA
I should have shuffled these cards. There's an ace.

The others in the waiting room are dressed as Joan of Arc, Pocahontas and General George Patton. Joan of Arc and Pocahontas are playing cards.

ANNIE
And you said that dressing the part was silly.

Annie takes off her trench coat. She's wearing the Xena costume design many fans wear to conventions.

ANNIE
Well, these people don't seem to think it's silly
at all.

HARRY
Who could argue with them?

ANNIE
Hold that, wouldja, Honey?

HARRY
Mm-hmm. Halloween party.

Marco meditates with a prism.

MARCO
Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-om.

EXTRA
Miv! Miv!

MARCO
Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-om.

Annie salutes when she moves past General Patton. Annie moves to Joan of Arc.

ANNIE
Joan of Arc?

EXTRA
Hmm?

ANNIE
Xena. Of Amphipolis?

Joan of Arc shakes her head. Annie sighs and draws her sword.

ANNIE
I bet my sword's bigger 'n yours.

Joan of Arc stands, draws her sword and starts attacking Annie.

HARRY
(to Marco) Who are you supposed to be? Hey,
pyramid boy, what's with the costume? Hmm?

Annie gives a pathetic Xena ululation in the background as she and Joan of Arc continue to fight. Marco laughs.

MARCO
We encourage our clients to dress according to
what they sense was a previous life. It often helps
them make important breakthroughs. Ye-e-e-e-es.

ANNIE
Yeah, that's good Joan, yeah, ya still got it.

Joan of Arc stops and blows on her sword.

EXTRA
You are obviously a lover, not a fighter.

ANNIE
Even rude for a Frenchwoman.

Joan of Arc sits with Pocahontas. Annie sits with General Patton.

ANNIE
Saint, pffff!

HARRY
Oh, uh, notice the doctor graduated from Buffalo
Springs Medical Academy.

MARCO
It's a fully-accredited school, sir. Would you like
to take a look at a menu? The doctor's running
a bit late.

HARRY
Oh, oh. Thank you. Thank you.

He sits between Annie and General Patton.

HARRY
Look, menu. First-life experience. Most influent -
most sexually active. This is ridiculous!

ANNIE
What's the matter? You threatened by
my old flames?

General Patton laughs.

HARRY
What? Are you seri-this place is a g - look at
this place!

Mattie enters, dressed like a hippie.

MARCO
Ah-h-h-h-h, he-e-e-e-ere she is.

MATTIE
Sorry I kept you waiting. Joan, new armour. Ah-h-h-h-h,
looking sharp, George.

She sees Annie.

MATTIE
Ah-h-h-h, you must be Xena.

ANNIE
Mm-hmm.

MATTIE
Are you ready?

ANNIE
Absolutely.

Annie stands and moves with Mattie to the separate room.

HARRY
Hey, excuse me. Excuse me? Do you mind if I
come in with you?

ANNIE
Harry, please.

MATTIE
And you are?

HARRY
Annie's boyfriend.

MATTIE
I'm sorry, but it's in Annie's best interest that her
first past-life voyage be by herself.

HARRY
First past-life voyage. Okay.

ANNIE
Thank you, doctor. (to Harry) Why do you have
to be so mean all the time?

MATTIE (voice-over)
There is a possibility-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
-that the Xena identity takes over Annie's and in
that state you roam the town as the Xena vigilante.
But there's only one way to find out for sure. Shall we?

ANNIE
I'm ready.

MATTIE
Close your eyes. Concentrate on your breath.
Focus on each and every breath you take. I want
you to feel it enter through your nostrils, move
through your diaphragm and release it out
again. You've expressed interest in ancient Greece.
We're going to send you back to that time. Back,
back, back. Now on the count of ten, I want you
to find yourself in another place, another time,
another body. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

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Clip from "Sacrifice II."

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Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Six.

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Clip from "Sacrifice II."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Seven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Sacrifice II."

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Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Eight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Sacrifice II."

GABRIELLE
No-o-o-o-o-o! Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h! Hope!

XENA
Ahhhhhhh!

JOXER
Gabrielle!

XENA
Gabrie-e-e-e-elle!

GABRIELLE
Xena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie awakens suddenly in Mattie's office.

MATTIE
It's okay, Annie. You're in your present body.

ANNIE
Oh. I was there. Doctor, I was there. I saw
Hope and Gabrielle fall into the pit. I experienced
the whole thing. It broke my heart. I am Xena.

MATTIE
Do you have any recollection of being the Xena
vigilante?

ANNIE
Well, I mean, there wa-there was something
strange about it. Um...

MATTIE
Go on. Tell me.

ANNIE
Well, it wa--wasn't like I was inside my body. It -
her body. It--it was like I was outside watching.

MATTIE
You didn't make a soul meld.

ANNIE
Is that bad?

MATTIE
If you expect to become fully conscious in
this life of your past life as Xena, you must
meld your identity with Xena's. Let's try it again.
Close your eyes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiting room. Harry sits on the couch with a man dressed as General Custer. Harry yawns.

HARRY
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Custer looks around for the Indian and Harry pretends to do the same.

HARRY
Weird.

He chuckles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Relax your body. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Intimate Stranger."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Six.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Intimate Stranger."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Seven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Intimate Stranger."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Eight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Intimate Stranger."

JOXER
Don't worry. I cleared the place out for ya.

XENA
They're gone.

GABRIELLE
Are we going after 'em?

XENA
No, not in the darkness.

JOXER
Right behind ya.

XENA
They won't get far. We'll camp here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiting room. Custer sleeps. Marco adjusts the radio station.

EXTRA
She is back again. Two muggers were apprehended
early this morning. Police have no idea who the
Xena vigilante is, but do theorize it's an over exuberant
fan of the show. The vigilante last struck two nights
ago. Although she has great support in the community-

Marco opens a drawer and pulls out a gun. He checks the bullets.
EXTRA
-police warn that it is never appropriate for citizen
to take the law into their own hands. That's the
local news. And now for a check on our weather.
Early-morning clouds...

HARRY
Okay, that's it.

Harry stands.

MARCO
Don't go in there. I know you're anxious, but
please sit down.

HARRY
Look, I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna get my
girlfriend, then we're gonna go home. Okay?

MARCO
It could be very dangerous for you to interrupt
the doctor during a past-lives session.

HARRY
Listen to me you cheap, dime-store,
three-for-a-dozen quack, you. Are you threatening me?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Intimate Stranger."

GABRIELLE
I'll get the blankets.

XENA
Hmm.

JOXER
Hello? Hel-lo-o-o-o-o!

XENA
Calm down, Joxer. We saw you.

JOXER
Great. Well, you think you could let me down
without dropping me flat on my face?

XENA
No.

JOXER
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-a!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie wakes up suddenly.

MATTIE
What's the matter, Annie?

ANNIE
Ye gods, the horror.

MATTIE
What happened?

ANNIE
I--I...

MATTIE
Say it.

ANNIE
I was Joxer!

She screams.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Annie screams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry hears Annie screaming.

HARRY
Hmm?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry and Marco run into Mattie's office.

HARRY
Annie!

MATTIE
She's okay!

HARRY
Annie, what's the matter?

ANNIE
Oh, Harry...

MARCO
(whispers to Mattie) What's going on?

MATTIE
(whispers to Marco) Not to worry, it's okay.

Marco leaves.

ANNIE
I went back there. (whispers) I was Joxer.

She looks at Harry.

ANNIE
Oh, please, not Joxer.

She cries.
ANNIE
That ass.

HARRY
Mm-hmm. Doctor? (to Mattie) Look at her! She
looks devastated!

Mattie and Harry talk to each other, while Annie rambles to herself.

ANNIE
He's the comic relief.

MATTIE
Clearly, she didn't expect to find out she's this
Joxer person.

HARRY
(whispers) Would you knock off that crap?!
You can get her to believe she's anybody you want!

ANNIE
They should never have introduced his
character in the first place.

MATTIE
I don't think you have a full understanding of
guided imagery.

HARRY
Guided imagery, my ass. It's hypnosis, it didn't
work. Now you go fix it.

ANNIE
He's a deluded idiot.

MATTIE
I don't like your tone, sir.

HARRY
Oh, no? Well, how do you like the sound of a
malpractice suit?

ANNIE
Wait a minute.

MATTIE and HARRY
What?

ANNIE
(to Mattie) You were there.

MATTIE
Excuse me?

ANNIE
Oh, yeah I'm sure of it. You were there. Not--not
you as--as the doctor; you as s--s--s--s--somebody
else. I'm not sure who.

MATTIE
It's common for patients to imagine their life
imagery guides-

ANNIE
I wasn't imagining it. You were there.

HARRY
Of course you were, doctor. Now, you're gonna
go over there and convince her she's not this,
whatever his name is.

MATTIE
All right, I could go back there to clarify her
remembrance. Let's have a seat.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marco listens at the door. He can hear Mattie talking.

MATTIE
Close your eyes.

Custer chews tobacco in Marco's ear.

MATTIE
Concentrate.

MARCO
Get lost.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Good, become your breath. Your breath is your
spirit and it's your spirit that will take you to a pre-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Custer is still chewing in Marco's ear. Mattie's voice can be heard.

MATTIE
-vious life.

MARCO
I said, get lost, freak!

Marco grabs him and pushes him back.

MATTIE
Three. Four. Five.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Six. Seven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "In Sickness and in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office. Both Mattie and Annie are going under.

MATTIE
Eight. Nine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "In Sickness and in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "In Sickness and in Hell."

JOXER
Meet Xena, the Warrior Princess and her
sidekick Gabrielle!

INN KEEPER
They're gonna defend our village?

XENA
Yeah, but we're gonna need a little help. Uh, go
to your houses and collect together all your--your
tools and your weapons. Give Joxer a list of every
able-bodied villager and secure the outhouse!

INN KEEPER
The outhouse? Is that important?

XENA
It is to me! Ahhhh! Get out of my way!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie wakes up. Annie acts like she smells something bad.

HARRY
It's okay. Take it easy, Annie. The doctor's gonna
help you clarify your remembrance. Isn't that
right doctor?

Mattie stares blankly.

ANNIE
Was I Joxer, or not?

MATTIE
I'm gonna get you a sedative.

Annie sobs and Mattie leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiting room.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie sobs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiting room.

MATTIE
Marco, something went wrong, just now.

MARCO
What?

MATTIE
Okay, I went back with her to one of her previous
lives and I experienced something. Something
very real.

MARCO
Self-hypnosis. I told you that was a danger with
this scam. You're gonna blow it.

MATTIE
You don't understand. Uh, it was like technicolor,
you know? I mean, I--I felt like I was really there.

MARCO
Ah, you're probably watching too many episodes.

MATTIE
No, I don't watch that show. Bunch of chop-socky
crap. Besides, this was so repulsive. It couldn't
have been an episode.

MARCO
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h, you never know with that show.

MATTIE
No, the sights, the sound.

MARCO
They're sneaky. They'll try anything.

MATTIE
That smell.

MARCO
One week, they're melodrama, the next week,
the three stooges.

MATTIE
Marco, I'm telling you. For a moment there I
believed it.

MARCO
And they're way too serialized.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

HARRY
Annie. Annie. You let this quack convince
you of something that just isn't true.

ANNIE
Harry, if you were there, you'd believe it, too. It--it
seemed so real.

HARRY
(whispers) Okay. (normal voice) All right, look,
I'm gonna prove to you it isn't true.

Mattie enters and gives Annie some pills and a glass of water. Mattie sighs.

MATTIE
Annie, here you go. I'd like you to take these sedatives.

HARRY
Doctor? I want you to send me back to whatever
past-lives place you sent her.

MATTIE
Well, that may not be possible. You may not have
known Annie in a past life.

HARRY
I see. That's--that's very convenient. So, you
don't want me to find out about your little past-lives
scam. Is that it?

ANNIE
Yeah, Doc, what are ya afraid of?

HARRY
Yeah.

MATTIE
All right.

She clears throat.

MATTIE
To be honest, I'd like to experience it again, myself.

HARRY
Mmm. Hmm.

MATTIE
Let's all become our breaths. Close your eyes-

She sighs.

MATTIE
-and breathe. On the count of ten, we'll find ourselves
in another body. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "In Sickness and in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Six. Seven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "In Sickness and in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Eight. Nine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "In Sickness and in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "In Sickness and in Hell."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry awakens, holding up Annie's sword. Annie awakens too.

HARRY
Oh. Uh.

ANNIE
Harry. What did you experience?

HARRY
Uh, uh, it was, uh, strange.

ANNIE
Uh-huh, but it's all buncombe, right? It's all the
power of suggestion, right?

HARRY
Uh, it was, uh, unusual. It was unusual.

ANNIE
What are you saying? Harry?

HARRY
Annie maybe Joxer wasn't such a bad guy.

ANNIE
Oh, God! Oh, God!

She groans.

HARRY
Look, uh-

Mattie gets up from the floor.

MATTIE
What is it? What, what?

HARRY
-none of us are thinkin' straight. Why don't we
get outta here, okay?

MATTIE
Ah, that's a good idea. I think we've done all we
can here. There's no charge.

Marco enters with his gun pointed at them.

MARCO
Nobody's going anywhere.

MATTIE
Marco what are you doing?

MARCO
We have some business to take care of.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie and Harry are tied to chairs. Marco ties up Annie with her hands behind her back and her feet together. She is lying on the couch.

MATTIE
I don't get it. Marco, why are you doing this?

MARCO
Let's just say I'm settling an old score.

MATTIE
Look, if it's about the money, you can take it. I'm
through with this scam!

MARCO
I plan to!

ANNIE
It's a scam. I knew I couldn't be Joxer.

Mattie sighs.

MATTIE
(whispers) I can't believe it.

Marco opens a case on the desk.

MARCO
What is that?

HARRY
It's a bomb.

MARCO
Very good!

MATTIE
A bomb? Why, Marco?

MARCO
'Cause boiling oil's too difficult to rig in this day
and age. Now ya got about ten minutes before
this thing blows your heads off. Uh, oh.

He turns it on.

MARCO
Have a nice day.

HARRY
You too.

Marco leaves.

ANNIE
Don't worry, I'm gonna get us out of this mess.

Annie rolls off the couch.

ANNIE
Ow. Uh-h-h.

MATTIE
This is a fine time to learn this reincarnation
thing is for real.

She sighs.

MATTIE
All this time I think that I'm running a harmless
little scam, when in fact I'm poisoning my karma.

ANNIE
Don't worry Harry. It won't be long.

Annie inches across the floor.

MATTIE
Look, Marco taught me the hypnosis technique
and I never thought I would hurt anyone. Now I'm
responsible for getting you two blown up. This is
a--a karmic catastrophe. I'm gonna come back
as a worm, or, a cockroach. No a TV evangelist.

HARRY
Mattie you might be able to redeem yourself.
That technique of yours might be the key to
getting us outta here.

MATTIE
Really?

HARRY
Yeah. Look--look at us. We're tied up with a time
bomb between our heads. It's like one of those
ridiculous cliffhanger act breaks on that show.

ANNIE
I can't believe you're trashing "Xena" at a time like this.

Annie keeps inching along.

HARRY
Take us back, Mattie.

MATTIE
You really think that will help.

HARRY
Xena got out of this type 'a jam all the time. There's
something she wants us to learn.

Annie sighs.

ANNIE
I'm coming.

MATTIE
(whispers) Okay. (normal voice) Relax.

HARRY
(whispers) Okay. Okay.

He exhales.

ANNIE
Oh, not again.

MATTIE
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "A Family Affair."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Eight. Nine.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "A Family Affair."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "A Family Affair."

HOPE
No-o-o-o-o-o-o! Uh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "A Family Affair."

THE DESTOYER
Mamma!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office. The all wake up.

MATTIE
What the hell was that all about?!

HARRY
I don't know. You were Xena, right?

MATTIE
Yes.

HARRY
Okay. Uh, then I must 'a been one of the two blondes.

Annie sighs.

ANNIE
Would you listen to you two?! Who's deluded,
now?! I didn't experience anything that time.

There's only five minutes left on the clock on the bomb.

ANNIE
It's a scam! But don't worry, I'll get us out of this mess.

HARRY
Take us back, Mattie.

MATTIE
Okay. Relax. Become your breath and one. Two.
Three. Four. Five.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "The Quest."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Six. Seven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "The Quest."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Eight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "The Quest."

GABRIELLE
Where is she?

AUTOLYCUS
I--I don't know. Stop that.

XENA (voice-over)
I'm right here.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, now she's back.

XENA (voice-over)
Autolycus, I'm going to speak through you. Give
me control.

AUTOLYCUS
No wait, we have an agreement. I have a right-

Xena ululates.

XENA
Yes, Gabrielle, it's me. I want you to do something.
Close your eyes. Close them tightly and think of
me. Gabrielle. Gabrielle. It's me. I'm not dead.

Gabrielle sobs.

GABRIELLE
Xena.

XENA
At least, not completely.

GABRIELLE
Why? Why did you leave? There's so many things
I want to say to you.

XENA
Gabrielle...you don't have to say a word.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "The Quest."

GABRIELLE
Xena, I can't lose you again.

XENA
Gabrielle, I'll always be here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie's office. They all wake up.

MATTIE
That was, um, confusing.

HARRY
Yeah. Uh, maybe I was the guy with the mustache.

MATTIE
Botchculus or something?

HARRY
Yeah.

ANNIE
Autolycus and you've both lost what's left of your
spongy minds.

Annie is now in front of the bomb.

ANNIE
Right, I'm going to take these wires that lead to the
bomb. I'm going to cut them with my teeth.

HARRY
No, you're not, Annie.

MATTIE
You're going to disarm the bomb with
your teeth.

HARRY
It's dangerous.

ANNIE
I'm afraid I've got to, Little Missy.

HARRY
Annie I'm begging you.

ANNIE
And Harry, I'm sick of you. It's always, (whiney
voice) "Don't do this" and "Don't do that" and
"Don't do-"

Harry elbows her in the face and she falls back and lands on her face.

HARRY
Uh!

ANNIE
Ouch.

HARRY
I'm sorry, Sweethart, I couldn't let you chew on
those wires.

MATTIE
No doubt who she was.

Two minutes left.

HARRY
We just got a couple minutes left. Take us back.

MATTIE
Okay, we'll try again. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

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Clip from "Return of Callisto."

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Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Six. Seven.

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Clip from "Return of Callisto."

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Mattie's office.

MATTIE
Eight. Nine.

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Clip from "Return of Callisto."

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Mattie's office.

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Clips from "Return of Callisto."

JOXER
I'm coming, Xena-a-a-a-a-a!

CALLISTO
What could you possibly have been thinking?

JOXER
I'm here to save my friends.

EXTRA
That's all it'll take.

EXTRA
Perfect.

EXTRA
She's escaping!

EXTRA
Grab her!

EXTRA
Don't just stand there, get her!

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Mattie's office. They all wake up.

ANNIE
I was Joxer.

MATTIE
I was the sidekick.

HARRY
I know who the Xena vigilante is.

One minute.

ANNIE
How can you be Xena? You can't even stay awake
during the teaser.

Xena is now in control of Harry's body. Xena unhooks the chakram from Annie's belt with her foot. She tosses it up and it comes down, cutting her hands free. It implants itself in the floor. She gets out of the chair and looks at the bomb.

MATTIE
Have you done this before?

XENA
No.

She picks up a pair of scissors.

XENA
But I have many skills.

MATTIE
It's the red wires.

XENA
No...blue.

She sighs, then cuts the blue wire with two seconds to spare. Marco enters, clapping.

MARCO
Very good. You still haven't lost it...Xena.

XENA
And you're as evil as ever...Ares.

Marco laughs and morphs into Ares.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Ares picks up Annie's sword.

ARES
Sorry to put you through all this, but I had to be
sure. I knew if I challenged you, gave you every
opportunity to visit your life back then, you'd regain
your old identity.

XENA
Mm-hmm. What do you want Ares?

ARES
What I want is what I've always wanted. You.
And this is the big opportunity, Xena. We are
on the verge.

XENA
Verge of what?

ARES
January the first, two thousand. The world's gonna
be dying for someone to take charge and that
is where you and I come in.

XENA
What are you talking about?

ARES
Y-2-K. The world is gonna be in a state of chaos.
It's a little something I came up with when I got
out of the tomb you left me in. In a world that no
longer worships me, I had to get creative. But
now I've got it and there's nothing you can do to
stop it. I do, however, need some human help.
So my choice, as always, was you. I guess I'm
just a sentimental kind 'a guy. Remember?

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Clips from "The Reckoning."

XENA
What do you want?

ARES
I want you back, of course. My Warrior Princess
living as my Warrior Queen. We were once a
great match.

XENA
I didn't know any better then. I thought your ways
were all there was for me.

ARES
I think you'll be more comfortable in this. Now
that you do know there is another side to life, now
tell me, are you really having more fun these days?

XENA
I'm fighting for a better world.

ARES
My dear Xena, you were always fighting for a
better world. You were going to conquer it and
then you were going to rule it.

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Mattie's office. Ares laughs, holding a sword on Mattie.

ARES
Same argument, same card to play. So, how
about it, Xena?

XENA
Not a chance, Ares.

ARES
Oh, come on. You can't still be holding a grudge
after all these years.

XENA
It's not a grudge. It's the difference between right
and wrong, good and evil. You just never learned
that lesson.

ARES
Are we gonna fight again?

XENA
Bring it on.

ARES
Ha-ha!

Ares and Xena fight. Xena ululates. They keep fighting. Annie moves over to the chakram and starts cutting her ropes.

ANNIE
Come on. Come on.

Ares and Xena fight. Mattie uses her teeth to try to get out of her binds. Annie taps Ares' shoulder.

ARES
Yeah.

He turns around and Annie hits him with a vase.

ARES
Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h! Oh! Ow! Okay! No! Time! That's
it! I'm done!

ANNIE
I decked the God of War.

ARES
You tend to lose a little bit of your edge when
you haven't been worshipped in a while.

XENA
You're breakin' my heart.

ARES
Yeah, well don't worry about it. I'm still immortal.
You're not gonna get rid 'a me. You know? I think
I knew it was gonna work out this way.

XENA
So, why'd ya come back for me?

ARES
Like I said, I'm a sentimental guy.

Ares disappears.

XENA
Hmm.

MATTIE
Harry.

Harry gets control of his body back.

ANNIE
Yeah and you better disappear! (whispers)
Great big hunk of god.

HARRY
Here, let me get that.

Harry unties Mattie.

XENA
Annie. Annie, I, um...

ANNIE
Harry, I got some bad news for ya. You and
I aren't made for each other. She's your soul mate.

HARRY
My soul mate?

ANNIE
If you could just stay awake through one episode,
you'd know these things. You see-

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Clips from "One Against an Army."

GABRIELLE
I know that I'm going to die, I accept that.
Why can't you? A long time ago, I accepted the
consequences of our life together, that it might
one day come to this. I'm not afraid.

XENA
You always said that I was the brave one. Look
at you now. If this is to be our destiny, let's see
it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle, I will
never leave you.

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Mattie's office.

ANNIE
I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. And another
thing, I went back when Callisto had you two tied
up and you know what? Joxer saved your
butts. I saw it from his point of view and you would
never have gotten that chakram if he hadn't
come in when he did. He had the heart of a lion
and a really, really big one, too.

HARRY
You're right, Annie.

ANNIE
And he was a very underrated fighter. Well,
goodbye. Oh, um, Harry...I've been aware for some
time that you've been going into my underwear
drawer at night and, um, it's nice to know it was
in a good cause.

HARRY
Thanks...I guess.

MATTIE
Harry.

Annie leaves. Harry and Mattie sit down.

MATTIE
It's funny. I do feel strangely attached to you.

HARRY
What do you remember?

MATTIE
I think I remember when we first met.

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Clips from "Sins of the Past," "Altared States," "Destiny," "The Price," "Between the Lines," "The Prodigal," "A Good Day," "Lost Mariner," "Is There a Doctor in the House?," "A Day in the Life," "One Against an Army," "Devi," a shot of Xena's face and "A Tale of Two Muses."

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Xena life is eternal. It has no beginning and no
end. The loving friends we meet on our
journey return to us, time after time. We never
die because we were never really born.

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Mattie's office.

MATTIE
It's been a long time.

HARRY
It's been too long...friend.

Annie watches as the two kiss. She frowns and leaves.

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Waiting room. Annie looks up at the "WELCOME TO WHO YOU USED TO BE" sing. She whistles.

ANNIE
(sings) Annie Banannie,
She kicks fanny.
Dangerous with sword or knife,
Learned her skills in that past life.

Never will you outfox her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie steps outside.

ANNIE
(sings) She's as good as ol' Joxer.

She sighs.

ANNIE
(sings) I'm Annie, I'm Annie the Migh-h-h-h-h-hty!

She dances along.

ANNIE
(sings) You should just meet her.
They don't come any sweeter!

Walks away.

ANNIE
You know, I could be Xena in my next life.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Annie
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Mattie

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Harry
Ted Raimi as Xena
Kevin Smith as Ares
Robert Trebor as Marco
Tammy Barker as Mattie Acting Double

Written by: R.J. Stewart
Directed by: Renee O'Connor

Disclaimer: No Sword-Wielding, Card-Playing, Therapy-Seeking French Freedom Fighters were deflowered during the production of this motion picture. However, rumors of Custer and Pocahontas remain unconfirmed.