If the Shoe Fits...


TEASER

Gabrielle hums as she showers. Her shower is a bucket of water with holes in it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer snores and Xena sleeps. An eagle calls and Xena wakes up.

XENA
Uh. Oh, I hate that. It's late. Gabrielle? Gabrielle?
Oh, the one morning I ask you to wake me up
for a change. Just when I get Zantar right where I
want him, I go and oversleep. Well, thank you
very much! Rope.

She picks up a tiny piece of rope and throws it aside. She gathers up her armour.

XENA
Rope.

Xena leaves the camp.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle showers. Someone sneaks up on her. Gabrielle sings.

GABRIELLE
La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La! La-la-la-la-la!
La! La! La! La! La! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! La! La! La!
La-la-la-la-la!

She coughs.

GABRIELLE
La-la-la-la-la! La!

The person takes her top.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zantar is in a tent with his brothers.

ZANTAR
Tomorrow we head east to Lumeria. They had
a big harvest this year. So they'll be loaded with
extra cash.

BROTHER #1
Good to have ya back, Bro.

BROTHER #2
Yeah, pickin' up right from where ya left off.

He laughs.

ZANTAR
Only this time, I'll be smart. No way I'm going
back to that stinkin' jail!

They laugh. Xena drops from a tree and into the tent, ululating. She takes Zantar and leaps back up into the tree with him.

BROTHER #1
Oh, she's good.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena rides Argo, pulling Zantar along. Gabrielle is wearing a sack.

XENA
Gabrielle, what's goin' on?

GABRIELLE
I woke up. I--I took a bath. Uh, I know I put my shirt
on that tree. It's just gone. It doesn't make any
sense, unless an animal took it. You know? A--a--a
fashionable beaver or--or-

She sees Zantar who is wearing her ripped up top over his mouth and another piece has his hands tied together. He wipes his nose on the cloth around his hands.

GABRIELLE
Oh, you didn't.

XENA
Gabrielle. I was in a hurry. We ran out of rope.

GABRIELLE
You stole my favourite shirt? It's the only shirt
that goes with this skirt, Xena. You used it to tie
up that--that--that smelly warlord.

Zantar moves towards Gabrielle. Xena shoves back.

GABRIELLE
That's your excuse?! You ran out of rope?

XENA
The good news is you found somethin' else
to wear.

GABRIELLE
It's a sack!

Joxer snores.

XENA
How come you let Joxer sleep in so late?

GABRIELLE
I was topless.

JOXER
Yah. Yah.

Xena drops a cup of water on Joxer, waking him.

JOXER
Ah! Ah! Abandon ship! We're goin' down! Uh. Oh.
Good morning. Hi, Gabrielle. New outfit? Looks good.

She shoves him as she runs off.

JOXER
Ooh!

GABRIELLE
Shut up!

JOXER
What'd I say?!

XENA
Just get going.

JOXER
All right.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
I'm telling you, brown is not my colour.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group moves along.

XENA
I kinda like it. It's got that, uh, rustic appeal.

GABRIELLE
Suitable for you, right?

There's an explosion. Argo runs off.

JOXER
Come on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside the temple.

APHRODITE
Now look what you've done! Ooh! You...
monster! I told you never to play with
the bottle marked passion! It's totally
explosive stuff!

XENA
Aphrodite, what's going on?

APHRODITE
Xena! Uh! What are you doing here?

ALESIA
Xena!

XENA
Alesia?

ALESIA
Please, you have to save me from my evil fairy
godsmother!

XENA
Your evil fairy godsmother? Who's that?

ALESIA
Her!

APHRODITE
Moi?!

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Temple.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside temple.

XENA
Let's hear it, Aphrodite. What's all this about?

APHRODITE
The little rugrat wandered in yesterday and said
something about her dad and her wicked stepmom.
So you know me. I was just trying to help. Then
she became like totally bizarre! And now
she's calling me-

ALESIA
My evil fairy godsmother.

APHRODITE
Uh-h-h-h! That's it! As if! Dear child, do these
features look evil?

GABRIELLE
Do you mean the fairy godsmother from the fairy tale?

ALESIA
Mm-hmm.

XENA
This child's name is Alesia, Princess Alesia of
Cyra. Her father and I have been friends for years.
Alesia, how did you get here? Did you run away
from home?

ALESIA
Uh-huh. Daddy got married. I don't like my
stepmother. So I came to find my fairy godsmother.

XENA
Well, I think your father would be very worried.
Maybe we can take you home. I'm sure we can
work this out.

ALESIA
Then you'll be my fairy godsmother?

XENA
Uh, just for a little while.

APHRODITE
Great! Get rid of her. She obviously doesn't know
a good thing when she sees it.

XENA
Come on, Alesia.

She shoves Zantar.

XENA
Out of the way! (to Alesia) I think we oughtta take
you home.

GABRIELLE
You all right?

JOXER
Fine. (to Zantar) Move it out, Goliath.

Zantar growls.

JOXER
At your own pace.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside the castle. The Queen cries. The King enters.

QUEEN
Did you find her?

KING
No, not yet.

QUEEN
You're not giving up, are you?

KING
No! No, I'm going back out there with all my men
to keep searching for her.

QUEEN
You'll find her. I know you will.

KING
I pray to the gods we do. Darling, she means
everything in the world to me.

QUEEN
Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

He leaves.

QUEEN
It's not you she hates. It's me.

She cries.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group moves along.

XENA
I better go and scout ahead.

GABRIELLE
I'll--I'll do it.

Gabrielle runs off. Argo starts to nibble on a branch. Xena pulls on her reins.

XENA
Alesia, why'd you run away?

ALESIA
I hate my new stepmother. I wanna get rid of her
so things can be the way they used to be.

XENA
Oh.

ALESIA
I thought Aphrodite could help, but she couldn't.

Argo starts to nibble again. Xena pulls her reins and glares at her.

XENA
Well, maybe I can help.

ALESIA
Really? Okay, but don't hurt her too bad.

XENA
That's not what I had in mind. Listen, I was in your
shoes too once. I had a stepfather and--and I
never got to know him. Now, I think that was a
terrible mistake.

Gabrielle falls out of a tree.

XENA
Gabrielle, are you all right?

GABRIELLE
Fine. What's this about a stepfather? You never
told me that.

XENA
Yes, I did. Didn't I?

GABRIELLE
No.

XENA
Well, it's not important. I'm trying to help Alesia.

GABRIELLE
What and I'm not?! Xena, who just climbed
that tree, looking for Zantar's men?!

XENA
So, what did ya see?

GABRIELLE
They're right behind us.

XENA
All right, I'm gonna double back there and take
care of 'em. Alesia, I'll be back. Stay here with
Gabrielle. She's gonna tell you a story.

GABRIELLE
I will?

XENA
Yes, you will.

She mounts Argo.

XENA
You're good at them.

Xena rides off.

GABRIELLE
Okay.

ALESIA
I hope it has a happy ending.

GABRIELLE
A happy ending, huh? All right. Once...when...once
upon a time-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storybook opens.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
-there was a sweet, very young girl named...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella dances as she hangs up the clothes. Gabrielle is Tyrella.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
...named, Tyrella. She was happy, even though
she lived with her wicked stepmother, the meanest,
crankiest-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside the hut.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
-most horrid woman alive!

Xena is the Stepmother. She's got a deep, ugly voice.

STEPMOTHER
Pelia, come here, sweetie.

Aphrodite is Pelia. She enters with a dress in her hands.

PELIA
Mommy! Look what my stupid stepsister
did! She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius!

PELIA and STEPMOTHER
Tyrella!

Tyrella dances in.

TYRELLA
La. La. La-a-a-a-a. Yes, dear stepmother.

STEPMOTHER
There's a crease in Pelia's dress. Aren't you
forgetting something?

TYRELLA
I swept the floor, washed the dishes, cleaned
the attic, weeded the garden, I dug you a new
well. I've been terribly busy.

STEPMOTHER
Well, get over it! You've neglected your
most important duty.

TYRELLA
What could that possibly be?

The Stepmother holds up her green foot with long, ugly nails.

STEPMOTHER
My clippings!

Voice over of a girlish scream.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer screams.

GABRIELLE
Joxer!

Gabrielle hits him.

JOXER
Ooh!

GABRIELLE
Calm down.

JOXER
But that foot! What are you trying to do? Scare the
kid half to death?

Alesia tugs on his clothes and he bends down and pats her hand.

JOXER
What is it, honey?

ALESIA
It's only a story, Joxer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite's temple.

APHRODITE
Oh-h-h-h. My little pookie's slipper.

She sighs and looks at a full length mirror. Her image talks to her.

APHRODITE'S IMAGE
Admit it. You miss the little monster.

APHRODITE
As if! What's there to miss?! The noise? The crying?
The fairy godsmother rap? She did have potential.

APHRODITE'S IMAGE
'Fess up, girlfriend. You're suffering from empty
nest syndrome. Your little boy, Cupid, is all grown
up, and now you're lonely.

APHRODITE
She was kinda cute, wasn't she?

APHRODITE'S IMAGE
No duh! Your problem is, you didn't play the
mommy gig long enough, you know?

APHRODITE
You mean like stories and cuddles and that kinda
stuff? I could do that. You think I could do that?

APHRODITE'S IMAGE
Totally. She could be your personal mascot.
The demigoddess of puppy love.

APHRODITE
Tubular! I am such a visionary!

The image squeals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena rides. She looks at a castle.

XENA
(to Argo) I wantcha to head for the river. Make
sure they see you.

Argo rides off. Xena jumps into a tree.

EXTRA
I can see the hoofprints!

BROTHER #1
Ha-ha, they went this way. Come on!

EXTRA
Yeah.

EXTRA
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

EXTRA
We'll see how tough Xena is.

EXTRA
Yeah.

EXTRA
We'll-

They leave. Xena smiles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle tells the story.

GABRIELLE
Tyrella's stepmother reached out with her long,
grotesque-

ALESIA
Wait! I know what happens next.

JOXER
Mm-hmm?

ALESIA
Tyrella takes the clippings-

JOXER
Mm-hmm?

ALESIA
-and stabs her evil stepmother, over
and over and over and over again.

Zantar smiles. "Psycho" music plays.

GABRIELLE
N--no--no. Tyrella deals with her problems in--in
a more positive way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Story.

PELIA
Mommy! My stupid stepsister's ruined everything!

PELIA and STEPMOTHER
Tyrella!

Tyrella dances in.

TYRELLA
La-la-la-la. Yes, stepmother, dear?

STEPMOTHER
Can't you do anything right?

TYRELLA
There is nothing wrong with the dress. You anger
is misplaced. It's a convenient way to avoid your
deeper emotions, the same way that your mistreatment
of me and my belongings, is your way to avoid
intimacy. You both need to get in touch with your
inner child.

STEPMOTHER
You gettin' any of this?

PELIA
Mm-mmm.

Aphrodite's laugh is heard in a voice-over. The characters look around for the source of the laugh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite appears.

APHRODITE
What a riot!

She laughs.

GABRIELLE
And I suppose you could do better.

APHRODITE
Puh-leeze! (to Alesia) You didn't know your Auntie
Aphrodite can tell stories, didja? Well, I
make 'em sizzle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storybook opens.

APHRODITE (voice-over)
Okay, here's what really happens.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite is now the Stepmother, but dressed nicely.

STEPMOTHER
Whoo! Time for a breather.

Four muscled men sit on the couch next to the Stepmother.

STEPMOTHER
But if ya can't take the heat, boys...stay outta my kitchen.

The men leave.

STEPMOTHER
Hmm. Pelia, where are you, my vixen?

Xena is Pelia. She enters.

PELIA
I'm here, Mother. I'm as dry as a lizard. Where's
the hagster to bring us some beverages?

STEPMOTHER
Good question.

STEPMOTHER and PELIA
Tyrella!

Gabrielle enters as Tyrella. She is a hag with ugly hair, missing teeth and rags for clothes.

STEPMOTHER
Love the outfit, Tyrella.

TYRELLA
Hmmm.

STEPMOTHER and PELIA
Not!

There's a knock on the door. Joxer enters as the Prince's Messenger, though he is dressed the same as usual.

PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Ooh. Ooh. Well, hello, you cuckoo, crazy chicks.
I, uh, have a message from that royal hipster,
the prince.

STEPMOTHER
Ooh, the prince. I knew I smelled money.

PELIA
Oh, that prince. I knew he couldn't stay away from
me forever.

The Prince's Messenger pulls out a scroll.

PRINCE'S MESSENGER
The prince wishes to invite all good-lookin' chicks
to his royal ball, tonight. From those, he's gonna
pick a bride. Ya dig?

STEPMOTHER
Ooh-

PELIA
A bride?

STEPMOTHER
-a bride.

TYRELLA
A royal party, ha-ha! I'm so excited!

PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Ooh, that chick is square, baby.

Pelia makes the shape of an "L" with her hand against her forehead.

PELIA
Uh, loser.

STEPMOTHER
Ex-squeeze me? What are you so psyched
about? Honey, the prince is lookin' for a babe,
not a heifer.

Tyrella laughs and Pelia chuckles.

STEPMOTHER
Show her, Pelia.

PELIA
Right, Ma.

Pelia dances around the Prince's Messenger like a stripper.

PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Huh? Hmm.

He hums.

PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Ho-ho, yeah! Ah.

XENA (voice-over)
Stop right there!

PRINCE'S MESSENGER
Ohhhhh.

The characters look around for the source of the voice.

TYRELLA
Hmm?

STEPMOTHER
Hmm?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena shoves Zantar.

ZANTAR
Aah, it was just getting' good!

XENA
Don't say another word. Aphrodite, I thought you
were out of this.

APHRODITE
I am. I am. I'm done.
Aphrodite winks at Alesia and disappears.

XENA
You all right?

ALESIA
Mm-hmm?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle uses a knife to cut her sack shirt. Xena enters and holds up a string of fish.

XENA
Huh?

Gabrielle gasps.

GABRIELLE
Oh!

She holds up the knife at Xena.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
Still mad at me? Tell ya what, I'll cook, you go on
with your story.

Joxer and Alesia sit next to her.

GABRIELLE
My story. Oh.

XENA
All right.

ALESIA
Gabrielle, who were all those men at Tyrella's house?

JOXER
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
They were swimming instructors.

ALESIA
Oh. Did Tyrella ever go to the party?

GABRIELLE
Well, she really wanted to go to the party.

XENA
Gabrielle, where's the frying pan?

GABRIELLE
It's in my pack, where it always is.

Xena finds it.

XENA
Oh, yeah.

GABRIELLE
See? Tyrella didn't have anything really pretty
to wear. Huh.

XENA
What about spoons?

GABRIELLE
It's in the saddlebag! Tyrella was hoping for a miracle.

XENA
Ya got any butter and sugar?

GABRIELLE
Xena, I'll do it. Joxer?

JOXER
Hmm?

GABRIELLE
You wanna eat? Work for it. You pick up the
story-telling.

Gabrielle leaves to join Xena.

JOXER
Um...

GABRIELLE
Xena, give me the pan, before you hurt someone with it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The brothers walk along with their men. Aphrodite is behind them.

APHRODITE
Hey, tall, dark and gruesomes.

They turn to see her.

BROTHER #1
Who are you?

APHRODITE
Aphrodite. Goddess of Love? I have a proposition
for you.

They laugh and start to undo their pants.

APHRODITE
Not that kind of proposition. You guys
want your brother back, right? I can help you if
you do me a favour.

BROTHER #1
What kind of favour?

APHRODITE
Xena's got my little girl. You help me get her back,
I'll help you get Zantar. You scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.

They laugh and start to undo their pants.

EXTRA
Scratch!

APHRODITE
Stop it! You know what I mean.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Joxer sits with Alesia.

JOXER
Okay.

He clears his throat.

JOXER
Let's see, um. Uh, okay, okay. Uh, well, uh, it was
the night of the big party and he was very-

ALESIA
'He?' Don't you mean, 'She?'

JOXER
How old are you?

ALESIA
Seven.

JOXER
Ya wanna be eight? It was 'He.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storybook opens.

JOXER (voice-over)
Now, he was very excited.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is Tyro. Tyro holds a plate of food.

JOXER (voice-over)
And his name was-

PELIO AND STEPFATHER
Tyro!

He trips and falls.

TYRO
Oh. Oh.

Zantar is the Stepfather and Brother #1 is Pelio. Stepfather steps on Tyro's hand.

TYRO
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Hey, hello, stepfather dear,
stepbrother dear.

STEPFATHER
Tyro the clumsy strikes again.

TYRO
It was an accident.

PELIO
You were the accident.

Pelio hits him in the stomach.

TYRO
Oh!

Stepfather hits him in the head.

TYRO
Ah.

PELIO
What's the get-up?

TYRO
Oh, ya like it? I was sewing it all day for the royal ball tonight.

Stepfather chuckles.

STEPFATHER
Well, if that's the case, those pants need adjusting,
right, Pelio?

TYRO
Oh, you think? I thought they might be a little
long in the-

Pelio gives him a wedgie.

TYRO
(high voice) -cro-o-o-o-o-otch!

STEPFATHER
Whaddya say to your stepbrother?

TYRO
(high voice) Thanks, stepbrother dear.

STEPFATHER
Don't be an idiot, idiot. You can't wear that.
You've got no way to get there, no social skills
to speak of. In short, you're not going.

In sync they each smack one of his shoulders and then slap his face.

TYRO
Oh!

They leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle cooks. Xena pulls apart a large blade of grass.

XENA
Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story.

GABRIELLE
Yes, we should. Where's the oil?

XENA
In the saddlebag. It's just he's making him sound
like such a victim.

GABRIELLE
Oh, I didn't hear you volunteer.

XENA
No? Well, I'm not much of a story-teller. I'm, uh,
I'm more a woman of action.

GABRIELLE
Great. Take action and get some water. I'm gonna
poach the fish.

XENA
I'm all over it.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Story. Tyro cleans up the mess.

TYRO
I didn't wanna go to a stupid party, anyway.

Harmonia appears. She is Xena. She is dressed in blue and has wings.

HARMONIA
Tyro the mighty?

TYRO
Kick a man when he's down.

HARMONIA
I'm here to help. Of course, if you're not interested
in going to the party, then I-

TYRO
Royal party? No! I'd love to go. Wait a minute,
who are you?

HARMONIA
Harmonia, fairy godsmother, at your service.
Let's see, you're going to need a new outfit and
a ride and what else?

TYRO
Well, let's see, I could u--use! Use-

He tries to lean on the post, misses it and falls. Harmonia laughs.

TYRO
Social skills.

HARMONIA
Trust me, you'll have many skills.

TYRO
Oh.

HARMONIA
But remember, my spell only lasts until sunup.
In other words-

She makes an hourglass watch appear in her hands.

HARMONIA
-when the sand runs out, so must you.

She waves her wand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle cooks. Xena enters.

XENA
Here's some more water. I saw Zantar's men
head down across the river. I'm gonna go down
there and deal with them.

GABRIELLE
What do you want from me? My skirt? My boots?
Hmm, my underwear? Ha-ha.

XENA
Oh, no, that would be too cruel.

Xena leaves.

ALESIA
What happens next, Joxer?

JOXER
Well-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storybook.

JOXER
-the royal party was in full swing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Castle.

JOXER (voice-over)
Ah, it was a gala event. There were rubies upon
the rubies, and diamonds upon the diamonds.

Tyro enters in a blue suit. He has a mustache and a tiny beard. He hums.

TYRO
Hmm.

Gabrielle is the Princess.

PRINCESS
What a hunk of a man.

TYRO
Mm--hmm.

Tyro chuckles. They move together and meet each other on the dance floor.

TYRO
They're playing our song.

PELIO
Who's the new guy?

STEPFATHER
I don't know. But check out his social skills.

Tyro leads her onto the floor. Ball music plays and they dance.

PRINCESS
You dance divinely.

TYRO
I know.

He spins the Princess aside and the music picks up. He does several fancy moves.

TYRO
Yeah. Ha! Hey! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Watch this!
Ha. Ha-ha! Whoa!

A new song starts up. Tyro looks at the Princess. They sing opera-like.

TYRO
(singing) When I look at you,
My eyes begin to bloom.
My heart begins to zoom,
And I'm in heaven.

PRINCESS
(singing) When I dance with you,
My head sails to the moon.
My feet sing out a tune
And I'm in heaven.

They hold each other.

TYRO and PRINCESS
(singing) Nobody has ever made me
Feel quite like this.

TYRO
(singing) My palms perspire.

PRINCESS
(singing) My stomach churns.

TYRO and PRINCESS
(singing) I know this must be bliss.

Is yours the sweet angel face
That I've been dreaming of?

TYRO
(singing) I'm in heaven.

EXTRAS
(singing) He's in heaven.

TYRO and PRINCESS
(singing) When I'm with you,
I'm in heaven.

Bells ring. He drops the Princess.

TYRO
Ooh! That, gee! Ooh! Ooh!

The sand runs out. His pants fall down.

TYRO
Ooh! Oh! My pants!

He his shirt falls off.

TYRO
Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Bye!

He grabs his clothes and her shoe and runs out.

PRINCESS
Wait! Wait! My shoe!

TYRO
I'll send it later! Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me. Ooh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alesia is gone. Joxer doesn't notice.

JOXER
The handsome and dashing Tyro hurried
and hurried, but it was too late for as he looked
at his hourglass, the last grain of sand-

Xena enters.

XENA
Where's Alesia?

JOXER
She's...Alesia? Alesia?!

XENA
Alesia!

JOXER
Alesia?!

ZANTAR
She wandered off. Can't say I blame her after
hearing your story. If I wasn't tied up, I'd kill ya!

XENA
Shut up. Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
I was cooking.

XENA
I left you in charge.

GABRIELLE
Are you saying it's my fault that she ran
away again?

XENA
It's far too dangerous for a little girl to be out here
on her own. I'm gonna go after her, and you two-

Xena shoves them closer to each other.

GABRIELLE
Ow!

JOXER
Uh.

XENA
-stay right here.

JOXER
Ow!

Xena leaves and can be heard calling for Alesia.

XENA
Alesia?!

GABRIELLE
I can't believe she's blaming me for this.

XENA
Alesia!

JOXER
I can.

An Old Woman enters.

OLD WOMAN
Hurry!

Gabrielle grabs Joxer's ear.

JOXER
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!

OLD WOMAN
Help me. Down by the river, these men, they
attacked me.

JOXER
Huh?

OLD WOMAN
Please.

GABRIELLE
Zantar's men. Sorry. Xena wanted to stop them.
I'll do it. You stay here!

JOXER
No.

GABRIELLE
Stay there!

Gabrielle leaves.

JOXER
Wait a min...I--I can, I can do it! Oh, great. Well,
at least, that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around.
Huh! What an airhead.

The Old Woman turns into Aphrodite.

JOXER
Talk about your half-wits. She's half-baked
and half-dressed!

APHRODITE
Hmm.

He laughs and turns to see Aphrodite.

JOXER
Hello, Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Outta my way, stud-muffin. Where's my little
cutesy-wootsy-poo? My little beauty queen?!
Wha...where is she?

JOXER
You mean Alesia?

APHRODITE
Uh-huh?

JOXER
She's gone.

APHRODITE
Gone? Whaddya mean, gone?

ZANTAR
Lookin' for the girl? I can get her for ya.

APHRODITE
Really. How do ya propose to do that?

JOXER
Yeah.

ZANTA
What about him?

APHRODITE
That's easy.

Aphrodite kisses him.

JOXER
Hmm.

Joxer passes out.

APHRODITE
Hm-m-m-m. Let's talk.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena looks for Alesia.

XENA
Alesia?!

Alesia hangs on a vine over a cliff edge.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Alesia hangs.

XENA
Alesia?!

Xena sees Alesia hanging.

XENA
(whispering) Alesia. (yelling) Hang on, Alesia!

ALESIA
Xena!

XENA
I'm coming!

She climbs down.

XENA
Hold tight. Hold tight. I'm coming. I'm not far
away, sweetheart.

Xena climbs down next to her and helps Alesia onto her back.

XENA
Okay. Come on, Alesia. Let go of it. There you go.
All right?

ALESIA
I got too close to the edge and fell.

XENA
Okay, well, hold on around my neck.

Xena holds Alesia with one hand and climbs up with the other.

XENA
Okay. All right, I--I gotcha.

They get to the top. Xena puts Alesia down and turns Alesia to face her.

XENA
Now, come on. Why did you run away?!

ALESIA
Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?

XENA
Well, that's a good point, but all fairy tales have
a purpose. And even when Joxer tells them there's
a message there.

ALESIA
Yeah...run.

XENA
Come on. Let's get back to camp.

Alesia climbs onto her back.

XENA
Hop up. All right! Here we go.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Alesia run into camp. Joxer is tied up.

XENA
Joxer.

ALESIA
Joxer! They didn't hurt you, did they?

JOXER
No, I was ambushed. It was Aphrodite.

XENA
Where's Zantar?!

JOXER
He went off with Aphrodite. She's disguised as
an old lady.

GABRIELLE
Xena.

Gabrielle enters.

XENA
Where were you?

GABRIELLE
I went to look for Zantar's men. They were
beating up this--this old woman.

XENA
Gabrielle, the old woman was Aphrodite.

GABRIELLE
Now, how was I supposed to know that?

XENA
Did Aphrodite say anything to Zantar?

JOXER
Yeah, yeah. She said something about, uh, going
to an old castle and she wants Alesia.

XENA
Come on, Alesia.

Xena and Alesia leave.

JOXER
Don't feel bad. Aphrodite almost fooled me, too.

Joxer leaves, scoffing at Gabrielle and she follows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group moves along. Joxer and Gabrielle play Rock, Parchment, Dagger.

ALESIA
I wanna hear the rest of the story.

Joxer and Gabrielle both do dagger.

XENA
All right, well let me tell ya what really-

Joxer does dagger and Gabrielle does rock. She hits his hand.

JOXER
Ow!

XENA
-happened.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Storybook.

XENA (voice-over)
Tyrella had a stepfamily all right, but no one
pushed her around.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena is Tyrella, but she's dressed like Xena. She sharpens her sword.

XENA (voice-over)
One day, Tyrella was busy sharpening her
sword when...

Zantar enter.

ALESIA (voice-over)
Xena, shouldn't Tyrella wear a dress?

Tyrella turns to face Zantar. Her leather turns into a cloth dress.

ALESIA (voice-over)
If Tyrella's a girl, isn't she supposed to have a
stepmother?

Zantar turns into the Stepmother.

STEPMOTHER
Tyrella?! What have you been doing all morning?!

TYRELLA
Well, let's see, I, uh, I fought a warlord, saved a
village, and rescued a burning wagon full of orphans.

STEPMOTHER
Hmm. Just as I thought, lolly-gagging again! Do
some real work for a change.

Brother #1 and Brother #2 enter. Brother #1 is Pelia and Brother #2 is the Stepsister.

PELIA
Mother! The prince is coming!

STEPMOTHER
The prince?! Here?

She looks over the stepsisters, and spit polishes the Stepsister.

STEPMOTHER
Honestly, Tyrella! You can't wear that! You'll be
the shame of us all!

Horns play. Joxer enters as the Prince (dressed the same as Tyro at the ball).

PELIA
Oh. Your Highness.

The Prince clears his throat.

PRINCE
Ladies, I'm looking to wed the woman who fits
this shoe.

PELIA
I'll try it on.

STEPSISTER
Let me.

PELIA
It's my size!

PRINCE
Please.

He sees Tyrella.

PRINCE
How about you? Would you care to try it on?

He gets to one knee.

PRINCE
If it fits, I can promise you a happy ending.

Tyrella takes it with her sword.

TYRELLA
Wow. You know what, Prince? You seem like a
real nice fella, so I'm gonna make this nice and
simple for ya. I don't need you, or a fairy
godsmother, or anyone else to give me a happy
ending. That's something that I'll get, or I won't
get, all my own self. So I suggest you peddle
this shoe someplace else.

PRINCE
But you could be a princess.

She pokes him in the butt with her sword.

TYRELLA
Come on.

PRINCE
You could live in a castle.

Tyrella keeps poking him.

PRINCE
Ouch! My royal bottom! Ow!

Tyrella and the Prince leave.

STEPMOTHER
So, the prince won't marry either of you beauties.
Well, if we can't get to his crown jewels that way
we'll just have to-

They pick up swords.

STEPMOTHER
-cut and run!

She laughs. They leave. Gabrielle enters as the Fairy Godssister, dressed in blue with wings and talking in a high voice.

FAIRY GODSSISTER
Tyrella? Tyrella? Tyrella? Oh!

Tyrella enters.

TYRELLA
What do you want?

FAIRY GODSSISTER
Your stepmother and stepsister are going to rob
the kingdom of the crown's jewels. You have
to stop them.

TYRELLA
Right, I'm on it.

FAIRY GODSSISTER
Wait! I am your fairy godssister. Don't you want
my help?

TYRELLA
Yeah, could you get rid of those dishes? The
place is a mess.

FAIRY GODSSISTER
If that's how I'm most useful to you, my pleasure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group walks along.

GABRIELLE
After all we've been through, that's what
you think of me? The fairy godssister of dishes?
Xena, that's my only use to you?

XENA
Oh, come on. It was just a story. I just meant we
were like family, and in a family-

Gabrielle throws her bag at Xena.

GABRIELLE
You have no idea how useful I am. I'm out
of here, that's it. I need space.

XENA
Gabrielle-

GABRIELLE
No!

XENA
Oh, she'll--she'll be back. She does this all the
time. Right, Joxer? She's just crazy. Gabrielle?!

ALESIA
This isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?

XENA
Well...

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, Alesia and Joxer enter the throne room. The King and Queen are tied up.

ALESIA
Daddy!

JOXER
I'll get the ropes.

Joxer unties them.

KING
Alesia, my darling. Are you okay?

ALESIA
Yes, I'm all right. Thanks to Xena.

KING
I have missed you so much.

QUEEN
We both have.

XENA
What happened here?

QUEEN
Zantar and his brothers have stolen the crown
jewels. You may be too late.

XENA
We'll see about that.

KING
Thank you, Xena. We were so worried.

XENA
No problem.

KING
Now, you and me and your stepmother are going
to try to be happy, all right?

Alesia runs after Xena.

ALESIA
Xena! Wait! I wanna go with you and be a hero
like Tyrella!

QUEEN
Alesia, wait!

ALESIA
But I wanna go with Xena!

XENA
Sweetheart, you can't.

ALESIA
What about my happy ending?

XENA
You're going to get a happy ending, I
promise you that.

She takes Alesia's and the Queen's hands and leads them to a closet.

XENA
I need to ask you to do something for me. Would you?

ALESIA
Okay.

They step inside the closet.

XENA
Go in there. And I want you to talk. And that's
an order from your fairy godsmother.

Xena locks the door.

KING
What are you doing?

XENA
Trust me, your Highness. They need to be alone.

Zantar and his brothers run off with the jewels.

ZANTAR
Heavy crown jewels!

He laughs.

XENA
Just leave them in there a while, a few days
oughtta do it.

Xena runs off.

KING
All right, Xena, whatever you say.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An outdoor shrine to Aphrodite. Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite?! I know you can hear me! Whoop!

She knocks over a pot. She smiles and knocks over another on purpose.

GABRIELLE
Sorry! Whoop! Clumsy me!

Aphrodite appears.

APHRODITE
Okay! Chill the 'tude, Miss Thing, I'm here.

GABRIELLE
I want you to leave Alesia alone.

APHRODITE
She came to me. You heard what she said.
She hates her family.

GABRIELLE
All I see is this confused, little girl. She doesn't
realize how much she misses her family, all these
people who love her. If you don't stop meddling,
you're going to break them up.

APHRODITE
I just wanted a happy ending for her.

GABRIELLE
No, you just want your happy ending, regardless
of her. Tell me, Miss Expert, is that what you call
love? It's just a thought.

Gabrielle leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Joxer run out of the castle. Xena stops and Joxer runs into her.

JOXER
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

XENA
What are you doing?

He clears his throat.

JOXER
Well look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, you know?
I'm--I'm--I'm your comrade-in-arms, your--your
wingman. Look, you're the comet and I'm
Ajax. You're the Achilles and I'm you heel.

Xena growls.

JOXER
Don't you see? Look, with these fists of fury you'll
have no problem beatin' anybody! Watch! Every
muscle is tight. Notice the action.

He hits himself.

JOXER
Ow! Oh, my mouth hurts! Is there a problem?

XENA
I'm going after Zantar. You stay here, and make
sure he doesn't return to the scene of his crime.

Xena leaves.

JOXER
Right!

He draws his sword.

JOXER
I'll wait for him. Wait a minute. Why would he
come back here? He's already got all the dough.
Xena?! Wait!

Joxer follows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Closet. Alesia bangs on the door.

ALESIA
Help! Somebody! We're locked in!

QUEEN
Is it really so bad to be locked in here with me?

ALESIA
I hate you.

QUEEN
Really? Well, I'm glad Xena locked us in here.
It'll give us a chance to talk.

ALESIA
I'll never talk to you. You're evil.

QUEEN
Your father likes me.

ALESIA
You put a spell on him. I'll never like you.

QUEEN
What did I do?

ALESIA
You stole my daddy from me.

QUEEN
No, I didn't. He's just as much yours as
he always was.

ALESIA
No, he's not. Now he's yours.

QUEEN
How about we make him ours?

ALESIA
Well...

QUEEN
Alesia, I know it's been hard since your mother
died. But...I want you to know, I really care
about you.

ALESIA
You do?

QUEEN
Yes. And your father's told me all about you and
how you like stories. Can't we have a happy ending?

ALESIA
I thought every story had a happy ending, but
now I don't know. Because of me Zantar stole
the crown jewels and Gabrielle left Xena forever.
I've ruined everything.

She cries.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer walks through the woods.

JOXER
Ppphhht. Sidekick. I am ten times the sidekick
Gabrielle is. Now, Zantar, if I ever see that big, fat,
porky, bulbous, behemoth of a hippo, I'm gonna
tell him-

Zantar and his brothers hold swords on Joxer.

JOXER
-what a great guy he is.

ZANTAR
Now we have a little insurance, in case Xena
gets in our way.

XENA
Nice plan.

They turn to see Xena who draws her sword.

XENA
If I cared.

JOXER
She cares. She's just kidding. Ha-ha! Ha! You're
not laughing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen hugs Alesia.

QUEEN
Don't cry, my princess. Why, I bet Tyrella would
do just what Xena would.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena attacks Zantar.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella fights her Stepmother.

TYRELLA
Leave the prince alone!

STEPMOTHER
Tyrella! Don't be such a party pooper! You'll get
your share! After all, we're family!

Stepsister attacks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fights Zantar and the brothers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella fights her family.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fights the brothers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella hits Stepsister. The Prince is on the ground. He looks up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zantar looks down at Joxer.

ZANTAR
If we can't have you and your money, no one can.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stepmother attacks the Prince. The Fairy Godssister enters and stops him with her staff.

FAIRY GODSSISTER
Pardon the dishpan hands!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle fights Zantar. Xena fights the brothers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella kicks Pelia.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fights.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrella kicks Stepsister.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena fights. Gabrielle fights. Xena knocks down Zantar.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Prince stands and helps up the Fairy Godssister. Tryella, the Prince and the Fairy Godssister look at Stepmother whose wing has fallen off.

PRINCE
It's a man!

XENA (voice-over)
So Tyrella-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the castle. Alesia stands with her parents and Xena stands with Gabrielle and Joxer.

XENA
-arrested her stepmother and her
stepsisters. She saved the prince. And
she retrieved the family jewels.

ALESIA
Did she and the prince get married, and live
happily ever after?

XENA
Uh...no. No, but she and her fairy godssister did
make a pact. From now on, they would help one
another be all that they could be.

Aphrodite laughs and appears.

APHRODITE
Yadda, yadda, yadda. Talk about your sappy
stories. Look, kid, we had some fun, didn't we?
But this love thing, it's just not something I can
teach ya. It's something ya gotta learn on your
own. And this is as good a place as any 'cause
there's a lotta love here, from your dad and
your stepmom.

ALESIA
My stepmother, she doesn't love me.

APHRODITE
Oh, yes she does. Take it from me. I know about
these things.

ALESIA
Okay.

XENA
Aphrodite, if you wanted Alesia back, how come
you didn't just put a spell on her?

APHRODITE
Duh. If I had done that, I'd never know if she really
wanted me.

XENA
So you really care about her.

APHRODITE
Me? Care about a mortal? As if.

She disappears.

XENA
Gabrielle, why'd you come back?

GABRIELLE
It was what you said about being a family. I realized
that every family has their problems. But what's
important, is that we stay together. We work it out.

Alesia hugs the Queen.

QUEEN
What was that for?

ALESIA
No reason. Can't a girl hug her mom?

Xena hugs Gabrielle and Joxer.

XENA
Aw-w-w-w. Bye, your Highness.

QUEEN
Thank you, Xena.

ALESIA
Goodbye, Xena.

Xena and the group move off.

XENA
So, anyone heard any good stories lately?

GABRIELLE
Actually, I've been working on one. It's a story of
a wooden boy.

ALESIA
Bye!

GABRIELLE
And every time he tells a lie-

XENA
Goodbye, Alesia.

QUEEN
Bye!

GABRIELLE
-his nose keeps growing and growing until it's
really long.

JOXER
Or he could be a monkey and his tail gets smaller.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Tyrella
Lucy Lawless as Stepmother
Lucy Lawless as Pelia
Lucy Lawless as Harmonia
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Tyrella
Renee O'Connor as Princess
Renee O'Connor as Fairy Godssister

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Ted Raimi as Prince's Messenger
Ted Raimi as Tyro
Ted Raimi as Prince
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Alexandra Tydings as Pelia
Alexandra Tydings as Stepmother
Chris Ryan as Zantar
Chris Ryan as Stepfather
Chris Ryan as Stepmother
Olivia Tennet as Alesia
Ted Clarke as Brother #1
Ted Clarke as Pelio
Ted Clarke as Pelia
Douglas Kamo as Brother #2
Douglas Kamo as Stepsister
Sally Spencer-Harris as Queen
Alistair Browning as King
Hilary Cleary as Old Woman

Singers:
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Susan Calloway as Princess

Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: No fractured fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.