In Sickness and in Hell


TEASER

The sun rises.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The woods.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother deer and her fawn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena sleeps.

GABRIELLE
Xena, wake up.

XENA
Hmm, what is it?

Gabrielle sticks her foot, which is covered in green fungus, in Xena's face.

GABRIELLE
Foot rot!

XENA
Whoa! Yeah, that's foot rot, all right.

Gabrielle scratches it.

GABRIELLE
It itches like crazy.

XENA
Well, there's nothing I can do for you, now. Maybe
if you had'a kept it dry like I told you-

GABRIELLE
No, no, no, it was your idea to traipse through
a dozen swamps to get to this god-forsaken place.
Why couldn't you just leave your horse in a barn
like a normal person?

XENA
Argo doesn't like being cooped up. Besides,
this valley's her home. It's got plenty of space to
run, lots of grass to eat.

GABRIELLE
Plenty of bugs, lots of infestation.

XENA
Hey, I didn't stop looking for you and the
same goes for Argo.

Xena shakes out her blanket and lots of tiny screams are heard.

LOUSE
Geronimo!

LOUSE
Yeah!

LOUSE
Whe-e!

GABRIELLE
What was that?

XENA
What?

GABRIELLE
Something just hopped out of your bedroll.

Gabrielle looks at Xena's head. She grabs it and starts to look through Xena's hair.

GABRIELLE
Hold still.

Xena smiles.

XENA
What is it? A bald spot?

LOUSE
Pretty lady.

GABRIELLE
No, it's lice.

Xena gasps and pulls away from Gabrielle.

XENA
I have not got lice. You think I wouldn't
know if I had lice?!

Xena gathers up her stuff and storms off.

XENA
Lice, I don't think so!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle walk along.

GABRIELLE
Maybe if we put your bedroll in the river.

XENA
This way.

GABRIELLE
Let it soak there, then slap it up against a rock
or two. That would probably get rid of the little
buggers.

XENA
This is Argo's trail. I'm sure of it.

GABRIELLE
Then again, it could be too late. There might be
a family of badgers living in there by now.

XENA
Give it a rest, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
No, not 'til you clean up your act, Xena.

XENA
Hey! I'm not the one with a fungus among us.

GABRIELLE
Oh, yeah, that's poetic. Did one of your
bug friends whisper that in your ear?

Argo whinnies.

XENA
Did you hear that? There she is.

Argo runs by and neighs. She rears. Xena whistles and Argo runs off.

XENA
She ran away.

GABRIELLE
Maybe it wasn't Argo.

XENA
It was Argo. I know my own horse.

GABRIELLE
Well, she didn't seem to know you. May--maybe
she heard us talking about the lice, and then
she--she was scared away.

XENA
All right, that's enough.

GABRIELLE
Oh, you wanna piece of me, huh?

Gabrielle rips off some of the fungus and holds it up.

GABRIELLE
Fine. I'll give ya a piece of me. Come and get it.
Come on.

Xena leans back so she doesn't touch the fungus. Joxer stumbles in, his hat over his face.

JOXER
(sobbing) I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm bli-

He smacks into a tree.

JOXER
(sobbing) Blind! I can't...blind! I'm blind!

He stands before Xena and Gabrielle. Xena turns his hat around.

JOXER
Oh, I can see. It's a miracle! Ha-ha! Oh, hi.

He clears his throat.

JOXER
I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too
easy to follow. Any idiot could find ya.

XENA
Evidently. What brings you here, Joxer?

JOXER
Well, I'm on a mission. There's a band of marauders
that's raiding a village and they vowed to come
back and finish the job. But the villagers paid
me to protect them.

GABRIELLE
So, let me guess. You want our help?

JOXER
Heh-heh-heh-heh. No, no, no, I've got things
completely under control.

XENA
When do you want us to start?

JOXER
How's now sound?

XENA
Fine.

GABRIELLE
What about Argo?

XENA
She saw me. She knows I'm here. Ah, she'll
probably meet up with us, later.

JOXER
Okay. Then, uh, it's settled. We're a team. Joxer
the Mighty and his mighty band of mighty men.
Uh, girls. Uh, mighty...Joxer the mighty--and his
fighting, mighty, women fighters, fighting.
Mighty...

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena looks at Argo's trail, scratching her head.

XENA
That's strange.

Gabrielle joins her, scratching.

XENA
Argo seems to be deliberately avoiding me.
Sum'in's wrong.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, you're telling me. Xena, it's green, it's red.
It's on the move.

XENA
Sum'in's bothering Argo.

Gabrielle knocks on Xena's head.

GABRIELLE
Hey! Hey! Human suffering, here. Xena,
my fungus is spreading like wildfire.

XENA
Gabrielle, just take your mind off the itching.

Gabrielle continues to scratch.

XENA
What about breakfast?

GABRIELLE
We're out of food. Ah, hang on. Here's some berries.

Xena hits her hand, knocking the berries out of it.

XENA
Aah. No! Don't eat those. They can play tricks
on the mind. Wait a minute. There's a rabbit,
over there.

Xena holds up her chakram.

GABRIELLE
I'll catch the rabbit.

XENA
What?! (laughing) You're gonna catch
the rabbit?!

GABRIELLE
Yeah! After all these years of watching you
slaughter
nature's creatures, I can do this.

Xena nods, with a smirk, and scratches her head.

GABRIELLE
Ah-ah, look, I don't want you near the food. A
lice-infested rabbit is not on my diet.

XENA
I don't have lice! It's--it's dandruff! It's--it's--it's
a minor scalp irritation, that's all.

GABRIELLE
Whatever. I'll catch the rabbit.

Gabrielle leaves and Joxer enters.

XENA
Well, go ahead. No skin off my back.

GABRIELLE
Hardy-har-har.

XENA
Joxer, tell me about these marauders.

JOXER
Oh, yeah. Well, uh, they thundered into town on
horseback, cutting down everything in their
path. I tried to stop 'em, but, of course, I was outnumbered.

XENA
How many'ja see?

JOXER
Up close and personal? One.

XENA
One man?

JOXER
One fist, but it was headed for my face at the time.
Oh, I did get this.

He holds up a dagger. Xena takes it.

XENA
It's Scythians.

JOXER
Is that bad?

XENA
Well, it ain't good. Scythians are pure evil.

Xena throws the dagger into the ground.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scythian camp. The men throw a dagger into the dirt. They are gambling. They laugh.

EXTRA
Yeah. Yes, yeah.

EXTRA
Throw it again.

EXTRA
Throw it again!

EXTRA
Yeah. Yes! Yeah!

Acestus turns to see Argo.

ACEUTUS
Look.

EXTRA
Huh?

ACESTUS
What a magnificent beast.

Argo nods.

ACESTUS
What are you waitin' for?! Get me that horse!

Argo looks at them.

EXTRA
Hyah!

The men mount their horses and ride after Argo.

ACESTUS
With a horse like that under me-

Argo rears.

ACESTUS
-I'd be unstoppable. And evil will rule the world!

He laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle hunts for the bunny.

GABRIELLE
Yoo-hoo? Bunny? Here, bunny, bunny, bunny,
bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.

The rabbit hops out of a bush.

GABRIELLE
Hah.

She sets down her staff and picks the berries.

GABRIELLE
Are ya hungry? Come here, bunny.

Gabrielle tosses it some berries.

GABRIELLE
Yeah. Um-mmm. It's good. You're such
a cute, little rabbit.

The rabbit grows fangs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer picks up kindling. Xena follows, scratching. Her hair is all over the place and the white dots of lice are easy to see.

LOUSE
Hey, don't scratch me! I don't want you to scratch me!

JOXER
So, those Scythians are pretty good horsemen, huh?

XENA
The best. Their warriors will stop at nothing.
They're tough and ruthless.

JOXER
Oh and their women are rough and toothless.
Heh-heh-heh!

XENA
How many roads into that village?

JOXER
One, but it's pretty treacherous.

XENA
Well, that's good. I'll have to work quickly, but if
I can block off that road I might-

JOXER
Wait a minute, Xena, wait a minute. Now, I appreciate
what you're tryin' to do, but those villagers hired
me. And only Joxer the Mighty is
gonna stop those Scythians.

XENA
Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop
them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens
and Carthage.

JOXER
Whaddya mean?

XENA
They buried him in-in Sparta, Athens, and
Carthage. Think about it, Joxer.

JOXER
Oh. Oh, it's a riddle! Okay, can I do one? A monkey,
a rat, and a beaver-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bunny growls. Gabrielle stands and the rabbit jumps up and bites her throat. Gabrielle wrestles with the rabbit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Joxer both carry kindling. Xena scratches. She stops Joxer.

XENA
Joxer.

JOXER
What?

XENA
Have you noticed anything about my hair?

JOXER
Uh, yeah. Looks, lovely.

XENA
No.

She hits him in the chest.

XENA
Gabrielle, she had this crazy idea about...(laughing)
bugs or something.

JOXER
Oh, your lice. Yeah, I can see 'em from here.

Xena grabs him.

XENA
(firmly) I don't have lice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle wrestles with the rabbit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena still holds Joxer.

JOXER
Hey, listen, I just thought ya liked bein' filthy.
Made ya look tough or something.

XENA
(laughing) I'm not filthy!

JOXER
Hey, I'm not the one who has the lice.

Joxer starts to move off.

XENA
I don't have lice!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle wrestles with the rabbit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle takes a spoonful of the radish stew and smells it. Gabrielle is covered in scratches. Xena scratches with both hands. Gabrielle takes a bite and looks like she's going to be sick.

JOXER
Well, girls, anyone want some more radish stew?

Xena hits the ladle, knocking the stew into his face.

JOXER
Oh! You know? It's not my favourite thing to eat
either. But somebody let the wittle
wabbit get away.

GABRIELLE
Joxer? You're lucky it was me back there. That
little bunny, would have ripped your head off.

JOXER
Huh.

GABRIELLE
Well, I'm serious. That was one tough rabbit.

XENA
Yeah, sure it was.

JOXER
Mm-hmm? Real man-killer. Xena? If it'll
make ya feel better, I'll go look for Argo.

XENA
(sarcasticly) Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'd take a load off.

Joxer leaves.

JOXER
She can smell me from miles away. Here, Argo.

GABRIELLE
Maybe she's enjoying her freedom.

Joxer can be heard very faintly calling for Argo.

JOXER
Argo!

XENA
No, she's angry.

JOXER
Argo!

GABRIELLE
Why?

XENA
I've never left her alone for this long.

JOXER
Argo! Where are you?!

XENA
I know what it is. She saw me ride off another horse.

Gabrielle takes the chakram since Xena's back is turned.

GABRIELLE
Are you saying that she's jealous?

XENA
She's hurt! She's gotta be hurt by that!

Gabrielle sticks the chakram between two rocks.

GABRIELLE
Ah, Xena, maybe she's just visiting her old haunts.

Gabrielle starts to scratch herself on the chakram.

GABRIELLE
I mean, this is where you found her right?

XENA
Yeah. Yeah, I thought she was the most beautiful
horse I'd ever seen. We--we bonded immediately.
It was like we were made-

GABRIELLE
Oh!

XENA
-for one another. We even knew what each other was-

Xena turns to see Gabrielle scratching.

GABRIELLE
Ahhh. Mmmmm. Yeah. Ah, yeah, that's it.

XENA
That's not my chakram that you're scratching
your fungus on, is it?

GABRIELLE
Yeah. Yeah. It is your chakram. Xena, come on.
I just need relief.

XENA
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Look, my fingernails are worn to the nubs. I need
to scratch.

XENA
No, you shouldn't be scratching, anyway. It'll only
make things worse.

GABRIELLE
I'm not gonna give it to you.

Xena holds up her fingers ready for a pressure point.

XENA
Don't make me hurt you, Scabrielle.

GABRIELLE
All right, Eczema, what're you gonna do?
Huh? You're gonna use your pressure points.

Gabrielle holds out her stomach.

GABRIELLE
Go on. Go ahead. Go for it.

Gabrielle holds up a leg and Xena backs up a little.

GABRIELLE
You can't touch me. Come on. Come on. You're
really tough now, Warrior Princess.

Gabrielle keeps her leg up and Xena raises her hands over her head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer enters the cave. He sighs.

JOXER
I couldn't find Argo anywhere.

Xena is gone. Gabrielle stands, her hands tied up under a cloth. Gabrielle uses her teeth to try to untie herself.

GABRIELLE
And we had such hopes.

JOXER
Hey, your hands are tied.

GABRIELLE
Heh. You see, this was Xena's idea of a joke.
Funny, huh? You can untie me.

JOXER
Okay.

He moves to untie her but stops.

JOXER
Hey, where is Xena?

GABRIELLE
She went to start a rock slide to block the path
to the village.

JOXER
Oh.

He moves to untie her but stops.

JOXER
Well, how are we gonna get there?

GABRIELLE
She's starting it behind us. Our path will be clear?
Anyone following us will be blocked? Don't be
such a...

JOXER
A what?

GABRIELLE
Never mind. Untie me...please?

JOXER
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You were just gonna
call me an idiot or a--a dork or something,
weren't you?

GABRIELLE
Joxer, I just need a scratch. Please.
All right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap your head
off. It's my fungus talking! Joxer, come on!
You know how I feel about you.

JOXER
How do you feel about me?

GABRIELLE
Well, you know, uh, I--I value your...

JOXER
My what?

Gabrielle's stomach makes a noise.

JOXER
What? What'd you say?

GABRIELLE
Um, I--I don't think this is a--a really good time
right now.

JOXER
Oh, sure it is, Gabrielle. Go on, spit it out.

Gabrielle throws up on Joxer's boats.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three move along, Xena and Gabrielle lacking. They are sick and itchy.

JOXER
Come on.

XENA
Mmmmm.

Gabrielle stops and scratches on a tree.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena moves to join Joxer.

XENA
I don't ask for much. I just want my pony
back. Where's Gabrielle?

Joxer holds a scroll.

JOXER
Nature called.

Gabrielle is in the bush. She rips off a piece of the scroll.

GABRIELLE
No, it screamed like a wild banshee.

JOXER
You know? Argo's a nice horse. I'm sure a lot
of people would like to have her.

XENA
Are you out of your mind? Argo wouldn't go to
anybody else. She'd die first.

Gabrielle joins them.

GABRIELLE
Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Someone walked by with
an apple, and she followed him home.

XENA
Ha!

GABRIELLE
That's what horses do!

Gabrielle shoves her.

XENA
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
What did you put in my breakfast?

JOXER
Just radishes and water. Why?

GABRIELLE
My stomach feels like Monday morning in Tartarus.

JOXER
You know? I just think you're feeling a little puffy,
irritable, and bloated, today.

Gabrielle throws up and Xena looks sick.

XENA
Mmmmm. Give me the scroll.

He does and Xena runs into the bush. She shoves Gabrielle out.

GABRIELLE
Uh! Next time, find your own bush!

JOXER
Girls, please, there's bushes enough for everybody.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scythian camp. Men bring Argo in.

EXTRA
Watch behind you. She's a beauty.

A Scythian Soldier rides in.

SCYTHIAN SOLDIER
Uh, a landslide has, uh, blocked the route that
the rest of the men were to use to join us. They'll
have to take a detour, and that could take a while.
Shall we proceed without them?

ACESTUS
No. We'll wait here 'til they get through.

Argo rears.

EXTRA
Watch it!

EXTRA
Watch the kick!

ACESTUS
Give me more time to break her.

SCYTHIAN SOLDIER
You think that'll work?

ACESTUS
I hope so. I'd hate to have to kill such a beautiful
animal.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Village.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer enters the tavern.

JOXER
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fear not. Joxer the Mighty has
returned. Ha-ha!

He leaps over the rail and lands on a table, breaking it. He groans and stands.

JOXER
Ha-ha!

VILLAGER
Here's the guy that ran out on us!

EXTRA
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get him!

JOXER
Wait. Wait. Wait, wait. I'm Joxer the Mighty, remember?
(sings) Oh, Joxer the Mighty,

EXTRA
Oh jeez. No.

JOXER
(sings) He roams through the countryside?

VILLAGER
Oh, not that song, again! I can't get it out of my
head! The meter is awful! Kill him!

JOXER
Wait. Now, wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Hold
it. Hold it. Look, I realize you haven't been real
happy with my services, so-o-o, I've recruited two
great warriors for you! Meet Xena, the
Warrior Princess and her sidekick, Gabrielle!

Xena and Gabrielle enter, looking awful and scratching.

INN KEEPER
They're gonna defend our village?

XENA
Yeah, but we're gonna need a little help. Uh, go
to your houses and collect together all your--your
tools and your weapons.

Everyone backs up from them, holding their noses. Joxer laughs.

XENA
Give Joxer a list of every able-bodied villager and
secure the outhouse!

INN KEEPER
The outhouse? Is that important?

XENA
It is to me!

Xena runs through the villagers.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h!

A man gets in her way.

XENA
Get out of my way!

Xena knocks him aside and Gabrielle follows her out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle scratches on the table. Xena scratches and kills the lice as they land on the table. The villagers look at them in disgust and parents shield their children's eyes.

LOUSE
Ow, ow, ow!

GABRIELLE
Uhh. Uhh.

EXTRA
Uh. Don't look, children.

GABRIELLE
Oh, yeah.

XENA
That'll teach ya.

LOUSE
Oh! Oh!

INN KEEPER
What are you? Crazy? The Scythians will wipe
the floor with these two.

JOXER
(laughing) Relax. Everything's under control.

He moves to Xena and Gabrielle. Lice scream.

JOXER
Listen, would you guys stop scratching and picking
for a minute? Everyone's gettin' nervous. Would
you go out there and flex a little warrior muscle,
please, and maybe kill...something?

Joxer picks up his hand and sees the dead lice.

JOXER
Uh.

Xena turns to speak to the villagers. Gabrielle groans in the back as Xena talks.

XENA
We're doing all we can to avert an all-out war
with the Scythians. But in the unlikely event that
you will be called upon to act, you'll need to use-

She draws her sword.

XENA
-one of these. I need a volunteer.

She points her sword at a man.

XENA
I pick you.

EXTRA
Mmm?

XENA
Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.

She gives him the sword.

XENA
Don't be shy, your mother wasn't. All right, hold
that. Got it firm?

EXTRA
Yeah.

Xena turns and starts to scratch her head on the tip.

XENA
All right, you got it? Oh yeah, you got it. Mmmmm.

INN KEEPER
Hold it. Even if everyone in the village learns to
use a sword, we're still in trouble. The Scythians have horses.

Xena takes back her sword.

INN KEEPER
And lots of 'em.

XENA
Good point. I'm glad you brought that up. See,
I'm lookin' for a horse. My horse. It's gold,
with a white mane.

INN KEEPER
One horse? Doesn't sound like much of a plan
to me. The Scythians could be back at any moment.
What are you gonna do about it?!

XENA
Now, you listen to me! We have already blocked
the roads, so they won't be here for a while, and
that'll give us time to prepare.

Xena pulls a list out of her cleavage and hands it to him.

XENA
Here's what we'll need.

INN KEEPER
What is it? A list of weapons?

He reads it.

INNKEEPER
Linseed root? Willow bark?

XENA
Uh, yeah. We'll also need a room and a bath.

INN KEEPER
You can stay here. And you're welcome to use
the town's natural mineral bath.

Xena burps.

XENA
Hmm, good. Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Uh-huh?

XENA
Let's go.

They leave.

JOXER
You get used to the smell.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mineral bath. Gabrielle sits out of it, covered in brown muck. Xena is in the mineral bath, shampoo in her hair. She works on it with a comb.

GABRIELLE
Are you sure this is necessary?

XENA
Only if you wanna get rid of your fungus.

GABRIELLE
What do the Scythians want with these people?
They're just poor. They have nothing but mineral
baths.

XENA
And Greek fire.

GABRIELLE
What's Greek fire?

XENA
See over there? That's oil that's been heated
deep in the ground. In the wrong hands,
it can be very dangerous.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Guys! Guys! Great news. I talked to the villagers.
They've decided not to stone you. Us.
Decided not to stone me. Uh, Xena, here's that,
uh, medicine you wanted. Uh, you were right.
All the villagers are having stomach problems.
How'd ya know?

XENA
Just a wild guess.

JOXER
Oh. Oh, well, I--I got that list you wanted? Um, I've
arranged all the, uh, villagers by, uh, height,
weight, and, uh, fighting ability. So, uh-

He clears his throat.

JOXER
-I'm gonna go, uh, marshal the troops.

XENA
Let's hope we feel better before it comes to that.

JOXER
Oh.

GABRIELLE
This stuff stinks. What is this? Sheep dung?

JOXER
Goat poo.

Xena snickers.

GABRIELLE
He's kidding, right?

JOXER
Heh. Just, uh, yike.

Joxer leaves.

XENA
Well, it's working, isn't it?

Xena scratches her shoulder and Gabrielle scratches her head.

LOUSE
Ow! Oh.

Gabrielle pulls a louse out of her hair. Xena peels off some fungus and screams.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena is covered in goat poo and Gabrielle is in the mineral bath with the shampoo. Xena scratches. Gabrielle flicks a louse at Xena.

XENA
Why, I oughtta...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle sit in front of a fire. Xena pulls a louse out of her hair.

XENA
Uh, duh.

LOUSE
Lady, lady!

It screams and Xena throws it in the fire.

LOUSE
Oh my god! She killed Kenny! You bitch!

Gabrielle is drinking tea.

GABRIELLE
You thinking about Argo?

She clears her throat.

XENA
It's hard not to.

GABRIELLE
Xena, I know how close you too are. But I don't
think she's holding a grudge against you.

XENA
You don't know how moody she can be.

Xena pulls out another louse.

LOUSE
Oh no.

XENA
She doesn't open up to you.

Xena throws the louse into the fire and it screams.

GABRIELLE
She doesn't like me, does she? What is it? Is it
my personality? What? My hair colour? The fact
that I talk about her like she's a real person?

XENA
You know? We gotta watch for that innkeeper.

GABRIELLE
Why? What does he have? What? What?
Ringworm?

XENA
No, he's in with the Scythians.

GABRIELLE
How do you know that?

XENA
His place is the only one in town that isn't damaged.
My guess is he's already sent out a messenger,
and a Scythian assassin is on his way.

GABRIELLE
Maybe he'll put me out of my misery.

XENA
What are you drinkin'?

GABRIELLE
Linseed root. You said it was good for my skin.

XENA
On your skin. You're not supposed to drink it.

Gabrielle's speech is slurred from now on.

GABRIELLE
Well, so? I mean what could happen?

XENA
Your mouth could go numb.

GABRIELLE
I can't feel my tongue. Theena, I can't feel my tongue.

XENA
The numbness should go away in a few days.

GABRIELLE
What?

She sighs.

GABRIELLE
Son of nitch!

XENA
Heh-heh.

She throws another louse in the fire.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night in the village.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle sleeps. Euraylus enters. He brings down his sword on Xena's bed.

EURAYLUS
Yah! Hmm?

It wasn't Xena, but a melon. Xena comes out from under the bed and grabs his legs.

EURAYLUS
What the-

Xena fights Euraylus. She puts The Pinch on him when her stomach groans.

XENA
Uhh! Gabrielle? Gabrielle! Wake up.
Stomach. I did the-

She gestures with her hands.

XENA
Find out what you can.

Xena runs out. Gabrielle leans over the bed and drools on Euraylus.

GABRIELLE
Theena hath jutht cut off the flow of blood to
your brain.

EURAYLUS
What?! What did you say?!

Drool continues to fall onto Euraylus' face.

GABRIELLE
I thaid that Theena hath jutht cut off the flow of
blood to your brain. Talk. Talk! Tell uth
what you know.

EURAYLUS
Help! Somebody!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena locks Euraylus in the prison. The Innkeeper is also locked up.

EURAYLUS
Keep her away from me.

XENA
Keep talkin'.

EURAYLUS
All right. I'm Euraylus. My brother's is Acestus,
the leader of the Scythian army.

XENA
What's he got up his sleeve?

EURAYLUS
I'm not tellin' you what he's got planned.

XENA
All right. Gabrielle, go in there and give him a
nice, big kiss.

Xena opens the door and Gabrielle steps into it, drool hanging from her lips.

EURAYLUS
All right!

Xena closes the door.

EURAYLUS
As soon as the rest of our men arrive, he plans
to attack the town from both ends at once. He'll
lead his elite guard from the south. I'll bring in
the rest of the army from the north.

XENA
I think the last part of that plan's just changed.

EURAYLUS
You don't know my brother. He's not gonna leave
me here in this jail cell to rot.

XENA
Don't tell us about rot.

Xena throws a louse at him.

LOUSE
Whe-e-e-e-e!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle picks some fungus off of her.

GABRIELLE
It'd be eathier if we had Argo.

JOXER and XENA
What?

GABRIELLE
Argo!

XENA
Yeah, it'd be a lot easier if we had Argo.

Sound of a horse and yells. They leave the inn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Scythians attack.

EXTRA
No!

Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer exit the tavern.

GABRIELLE
Theena, what ith it?

Acestus enters on Argo.

XENA
It's Argo.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Xena whistles and Argo rears several times.

ACESTUS
What's wrong with you?! What's wrong with you?!

XENA
That's it, girl! Come on, it's me!

Argo stops rearing. Xena and Gabrielle fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two warriors move to break out Euraylus.

EXTRA
Here! Tie this to the bars!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer fights.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rope is tied to the bars and then to a horse's saddle. The horse pulls.

EXTRA
Come on!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Xena fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The horse pulls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer and Xena fight. Acestus rides in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bars are pulled out of the wall. Euraylus escapes and mounts a horse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle fight. Gabrielle moves to Xena's side.

ACESTUS
We'll be back! Greek fire, it will be ours!
And we will rule the world! Come on!

The Scythians ride off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena scratches in the tavern, sobbing.

LOUSE
Ow! Ow! Careful! Ow! Hey!

XENA
I just can't believe that Argo would let someone
else ride her.

LOUSE
Oh!

XENA
Wh--what we had was such a beautiful thing.
(crying) I ruined it!

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Boy, did you see that horse that Scythian was
ridin' on? What a beaut.

Xena sobs louder.

GABRIELLE
Joxer. Joxer, it wath Nargo.

JOXER
It looked a little like Argo, too. He was kickin' her
real hard.

Xena turns and growls at him, but Gabrielle holds her back.

JOXER
What?!

GABRIELLE
Theena, maybe Nargo didn't hear you.

XENA
Oh, she heard me all right.

JOXER
So, why was she lettin' that bad guy ride her?

XENA
I don't know! But I'm gonna get her back. Joxer.

JOXER
What?

Xena grabs him and pulls him to his feet.

XENA
You're the secret weapon.

JOXER
Me?

XENA
You're going to neutralize the rest of the
army while I get my horse back.

JOXER
I am? I mean, I am. The whole army?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scythian camp. Gabrielle watches from the bushes.

GABRIELLE
I don't know if my lithe hath funguth or my funguth
hath lithe.

Xena enters and tosses a guy before Gabrielle.

EXTRA
Bring me some water!

GABRIELLE
Who ith that?

XENA
This is the cook from Acestus' army who will
ensure that Joxer's made welcome.

GABRIELLE
Do you really think that Jockther can do it?

XENA
Gabrielle, he gave the villagers a stomach
virus. He gave us a stomach virus. With
any luck, he'll do the same for the Scythian army.

GABRIELLE
Did you thee Argo?

XENA
No, I nidn't.

She stops and talks normal.

XENA
No, I didn't. The Scythians treat their horses really
well. The commander's horse'll have her own
tent. That one. All right. You keep an eye out. Any
sign of trouble, just whistle.

GABRIELLE
Okay.

EXTRA
What are you doing? Move!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer moves along, shaking.

JOXER
Okay. Remember now, Joxer, you're the secret weapon.
(sings) Oh, Joxer the-

Scythians step out and hold spears on him.

JOXER
M--m--m--Mommy!

SCYTHIAN SOLDIER
What did you want?!

JOXER
Anyone hungry? Heh-heh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena sneaks up to the tent.

EXTRA
Tend to those horses! Get him that sharpening stone.

Xena takes out the guard and enters the tent.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

XENA
Hey, girl. It's me. I know I smell funny, but, I had
kind of a tough week. Look, I know you've been
mad. I know that you've been avoiding me. But
I've come back, and I'm never gonna let you
go, again. So, let's get out of here, huh?

Xena takes her reins and turns to lead her out, but Argo neighs and holds herself still. Xena wrestles with her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer serves his radish stew.

EXTRA
Thanks.

JOXER
You know, uh, I'm a graduate of the Royal Athenian
Academy of Cooking. I cooked for the king -- before
he died. Here you go. Heh-heh. Oh, a little for
you. A little for you.

Joxer moves on, but the warrior pulls him back.

JOXER
A little more for you, big fella.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena wrestles with Argo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer dishes out his stew.

JOXER
I was the cook for the royal Trojan army. Their,
uh, legendary flatulence had nothing to do with
me, of course.

He chuckles.

JOXER
Okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena wrestles with Argo.

XENA
Hey.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guards hear Argo.

EXTRA
Hey, what's all that?

Gabrielle sees the trouble and tries to whistle.

GABRIELLE
Ppppthhh!

Drool comes flying out of her mouth, all over her fingers, but no sound.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena wrestles with Argo.

XENA
Now, you keep that up, and everybody's
gonna know that we're here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soldiers move to the tent.

EXTRA
Let's go.

GABRIELLE
Gabrielle, you can whithle. Pthhhh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena wrestles with Argo.

XENA
I am not leaving without you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle tries to whistle.

GABRIELLE
Pthhhhh. What elthe could go wrong?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena pulls. She loses her grip and goes flying out the door. She lands in the dirt.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h!

Xena looks up to see herself surrounded, swords on her.

EXTRA
Look at her!

EXTRA
Watch it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle's hair is caught in a bush.

GABRIELLE
Ah-h-h! Ah! Ah-h!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The warriors hold swords on Xena.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Xena fights the Scythians.

EXTRA
Get her!

Xena gives a yell as she flips. She looks at Argo.

XENA
I'm not givin' up on you, girl!

Xena ululates and flips. She takes out the men and runs off.

ACESTUS
Xena. This means the village is unprotected.
Take the rest of the men. Go strike the village
at once.

EURAYLUS
Right.

ACESTUS
I'll take care of her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All the men are sick.

JOXER
That oughtta do it.

Warriors fart, burp and throw up. Euraylus enters.

EURAYLUS
Quick! All you men, prepare to...

He sees them and yells in anger.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena runs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Acestus follows on Argo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena turns to see Acestus enter on Argo who wears armour with a long, unicorn horn on it. Xena stands and Acestus charges. Xena draws her sword.

XENA
All right, Acestus.

Gabrielle runs in. Her speech is back to normal.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
All right, girl. You want me?

Xena throws her sword into the dirt.

XENA
You got me.

Xena waits for Argo who continues to charge.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing?! Defend yourself!

Argo stops and Acestus goes flying. Xena moves to Argo.

XENA
Argo, here, let's get this off 'a you, huh? Okay.
There. There.

She pets Argo.

XENA
I knew you couldn't do it to me, girl. We've been
through too much, together, huh? You came
pretty close, though.

Euraylus enters, riding a horse.

GABRIELLE
Look out!

Gabrielle takes him out with her staff and he flies off the horse.

XENA
Wait there.

Xena gets her sword. Acestus mounts the other horse and rides at Argo, sword drawn.

ACESTUS
You need a lesson in loyalty!

Xena gives a yell and flips onto Argo.

XENA
Nobody touches my horse.

Xena and Acestus fight as they ride.

ACESTUS
Come on!

XENA
Get on it!

ACESTUS
Ha-ha-ha!

Acestus jumps at Xena, but she raises her foot and throws him over. He lands on the ground and Xena rides up, Argo looking down on him. He passes out. Xena dismounts and pets Argo. Gabrielle joins them.

GABRIELLE
Are you all right, Xena?

XENA
I've never been better. Come on.

Xena steps on Acestus as she walks off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Argo walk.

XENA
Okay. Look, I missed ya. I missed ya so much.
Look, I promise I will never leave you alone for
that long, again. I thought I was never gonna getcha
back. Just one thing. How did Acestus win you
over? What did it?

Argo eats some leaves off of an apple bush.

XENA
Apples? Ya left me for apples?! Well, thanks, pal.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later in the village. Gabrielle leans on a post and yawns. Xena enters with Argo. They watch Joxer, who the villagers are gathered around.

VILLAGER
Thank you, Joxer, for saving our village.

EXTRA
Yes, thank you Joxer.

VILLAGER
Here's the five hundred dinars we promised ya.

JOXER
Five hundred dinars? That's a lot of dough. Wow,
why, with this kind of dough, I'm gonna buy-

He sees Xena.

JOXER
Buy you a new village. Here, take this. I can't accept
it. Grow. Prosper! Ha-ha!

VILLAGER
How can we ever repay you?!

JOXER
Well, um, if you ever thought of renaming your village
Joxonia or Joxopolis I wouldn't object.

EXTRA
I like that.

The villagers leave and Joxer joins Xena and Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
That was a nice thing you did.

JOXER
Hmm. You know, Gabrielle, it's moment like that,
that make a warrior's life worthwhile.

XENA
If you think about it, you brought down the entire
Scythian army without spilling a single
drop of blood.

JOXER
Hmm. True.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, ya have talent. Ha-ha. It's contagious.

JOXER
Yeah. Joxer the Mighty, immune to all diseases.
(sings) Oh, Joxer, the Mighty
Never gets a fever.
He's eager as a beaver.
He's Joxer
He's Joxer, th-

His stomach groans.

JOXER
Uh! Gah!

Joxer leaves looking ill.

XENA
(to Gabrielle) How are you feeling?

JOXER
Not now!

GABRIELLE
I'll live.

Gabrielle falls asleep.

XENA
This week's been kind of tough on everyone, I
guess. But, you know, I'm always there for you
and--and, you're always there for me, s-

Gabrielle snores. Xena stops.

XENA
Friends. Ooh, I got all the friends I need.

Xena tosses a louse.

LOUSE
Ooh! Ow! Yowie!

Xena pets Argo.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Campbell Cooley as Euraylus
Timothy Lee as Acestus
Andrew Kovacevich as Inn Keeper
Allen O'Halloran as Scythian Soldier
Albert Sword as Villager

Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.