Takes One to Know One


TEASER

Xena rides Argo at night.

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Xena rides Argo into Amphpolis and to Cyrene's tavern. She dismounts and leads Argo off.

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Xena enters the dark tavern. She closes the door and Joxer gasps. Xena draws her sword and grabs him, holding it to his neck.

JOXER
Surprise.

Lila, Minya and Cyrene stand, holding candles, which lights up the room.

LILA, MINYA and CYRENE
Surprise!

MINYA
Oh-h-h-h.

LILA and CYRENE
Oh-h-h-h.

Xena shoves Joxer away.

JOXER
Oh!

XENA
Well, gee, glad to see you, too, Mom.

CYRENE
Of course we're glad to see you, dear, but it's
not your birthday.

Cyrene moves over to Xena and kisses her cheek.

XENA
No and it's not Gabrielle's either, not until tomorrow.

JOXER
That's why it's a surprise!

MINYA
Get it?

LILA
It was Joxer's idea.

XENA
No surprise there. But here's one for ya.

Xena uses her sword to take the hood off someone in the corner. It's Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey!

XENA
Autolycus. I wouldn't have picked you for a party boy.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, call me sentimental, but, uh, I hear the words,
'cake and ice cream' and I'm there.

He chuckles.

XENA
Well I'm sorry to say but Gabrielle isn't arriving
until tomorrow. So if you don't mind, I'm going
to get some shut-eye.

Xena starts to move off.

CYRENE
Wait, not that way. I've put you in the room next
to mine.

XENA
Really?

Xena is confused. She looks over to see Ravenica sitting at the bar.

CYRENE
Come on, dear.

XENA
Okay.

They move off.

CYRENE
You're home so rarely, these days. I wanted you close.

XENA
I haven't got that little room, have I? The
bed's too small.

They leave. Autolycus gestures to Ravenica who looks away.

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Xena is woken up by the banging shutters. She goes to close them and sees someone walking quickly away from the stables. She hears a groan. She gathers her equipment.

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Xena moves into Cyrene's room, wearing her armour.

XENA
Mom?

Cyrene isn't there. Xena runs out.

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Xena kicks open the door to Ravenica's room. The key in the lock falls out. Xena moves to Ravenica and turns her over. Ravenica has a dagger in her chest. A man in leather shorts attacks Xena. She kicks him and is about to punch his face. Discord sits up on the bed.

DISCORD
No! Stop! Not the face.

XENA
You're right. I should start at the bottom.

Xena moves to kick him, but Discord sends her flying back with a bolt from her hands. Xena stands.

DISCORD
Try that again, you'll be booking a cruise to Tartarus
with your friend here, Xena. Oh, sure, I know
who you are. All Olympus knows the Warrior
Princess. Ares has made sure of that. He's also
made me, Goddess of Retribution.
Discord's the name.

XENA
Retribution, huh? Guess you gotta start somewhere.

Discord looks at Ravenica.

DISCORD
Where I'll start is with the person who did this.
Hand him over.

Xena motions to the man in the leather shorts.

XENA
He's all yours.

DISCORD
Very funny, but it just so happens he was...otherwise
engaged. So, cut the comedy.

XENA
You think I did it?

DISCORD
I wish. But unfortunately, I saw enough to know
it wasn't you.

XENA
The only other people here are my family and
friends. You saying one of them is the murderer?

DISCORD
No, you're telling me. After all, it takes one to know
one, right? And somebody did kill her.

XENA
Clearly, but-

DISCORD
No buts! You either cough up the killer by sunrise,
or I take one of your buddies. Your choice. But
either way, someone's gonna pay.

Discord leaves with the man.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Ravenica's room. Xena is gathered with Minya, Autolycus, Lila and Cyrene.

XENA
I've got until sunrise to find out who did it.

LILA
Sunrise'll be here in no time.

JOXER
One of us? That's absurd!

CYRENE
She's dead, all right.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, that's typical. Leave it to the gods to try and
frame an innocent party.

JOXER
Yeah. You know, Autolycus is right. She's dead,
but she could'a had a heart condition.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah. Maybe it grew that knife.

CYRENE
She was a total stranger, Xena.

XENA
Then it's time we got acquainted.

Xena takes Ravenica's bag.

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Tavern.

XENA
Let's take a look.

Xena pulls out the stuff inside.

AUTOLYCUS
Muzzles, leather bonds, manacles, oh, nothing
unusual here.

XENA
He's right. These are the basic tools of the trade
for a-

CYRENE
For a bounty hunter.

XENA
Bounty hunter.

Cyrene points to the symbol of a dagger on the pouch.

CYRENE
I--I saw that on her arm when I served her. I didn't
think of it 'til now.

XENA
Mom, could I have a word? Please.

They leave. They others look through the bag. Minya picks up the manacles.

MINYA
What are these for?

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Adjoining room.

XENA
So, you knew she was a bounty hunter?

CYRENE
Well, not until you pulled out the manacles and
chains. That's when it hit me. Before that...why?

XENA
Because when I first heard the crash, I went into
your room and you weren't there?

Cyrene sighs.

CYRENE
The storm kept me awake. I was putting
water on the coals in the kitchen when I heard
the crash.

XENA
I gotta ask you this, Mom. You killed once
before to protect me. Is history repeating itself?

CYRENE
That was different. I was protecting a child.

XENA
Well, you know what they say, no matter what your
age, you're always a child to your mother.

Cyrene smiles and touches Xena's arm. Lila can be heard shouting from the other room.

LILA
Xena! Look here!

Xena and Cyrene run out.

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Tavern. Autolycus holds a reward sheet with Xena's picture on it.

AUTOLYCUS
She's a bounty hunter, all right. Her name's Ravenica.

XENA
Looks like this was a business trip.

MINYA
Can you believe that?! And after all you've done, too!

JOXER
Yeah, what an insult. Two hundred dinars. It should
have been a thousand, maybe a million.

Cyrene holds up a pouch.

CYRENE
It seems this Ravenica's cashed in on one
bounty, already.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey, maybe there's a happy ending, after all.

JOXER
Oh, boy.

Autolycus laughs.

AUTOLYCUS
Hmm, all right.

Autolycus laughs and picks the locks. There's rocks in the bag.

LILA
Oh, rocks.

AUTOLYCUS
Must be a decoy. She probably kept her real
valuables on her.

JOXER
Or near her.

AUTOLYCUS
Or ne-

MINYA
Ravenica, ew-w-w-w.

XENA
You knew her?

MINYA
Well, I only met her once in person, but I saw
enough of her work in the stables to last a lifetime.

CYRENE
Stables.

MINYA
Yeah, she'd catch her bounties by slowing down
their horses.

LILA
How did she do that?

MINYA
Cutting their tendons-

LILA, AUTOLYCUS and JOXER
Ew-w.

MINYA
-and hobbling the poor things. Most of them had
to be put down. Yeah, she was a real piece
of work.

XENA
Are you sure that the dead woman is Ravenica?

MINYA
Another look, and I'd be positive.

XENA
All right.

They leave. Joxer grabs a piece of paper in from the bag and smells it.

JOXER
Ah.

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They all enter Ravenica's room.

XENA
Well?

MINYA
Yeah, it's her, all right.

JOXER
A-ha! So you admit you knew her! Maybe
you liked those horsies a little too much.
Let me rephrase that. Ravenica here killed some
horses, you got mad, now, she's dead! Oh, come
on, people! Do I have to spell it out for ya?!
Minya, in the bedroom, with the knife!

MINYA
Oh, get a clue! I didn't even know it was her until
just now.

JOXER
So, ya say.

MINYA
You calling me a liar?

XENA
Wait a minute! All right, all right, settle down!
No one is calling anyone anything.

Xena hits Joxer.

JOXER
Oh!

AUTOLYCUS
Xena's right. Remember? We're all friends here
...most of us.

LILA
Joxer's just looking at it from every angle, right Joxer?

JOXER
That's right.

XENA
Oh, yes, he's very broad-minded. Look! Ravenica
has been murdered and someone here is responsible.

Gabrielle enters. They all turn to look at her.

GABRIELLE
Xena, we've got trouble. We...what's going on?

AUTOLYCUS
Uh...

ALL
Surprise.

GABRIELLE
Okay.

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Look, Xena, there's a bounty hunter after you.
Sh--she's on the floor. Dead?

JOXER
Dead.

LILA
Dead.

MINYA
Dead.

AUTOLYCUS
Dead.

GABRIELLE
I guess you found her first, huh?

XENA
Yes, I found her. I didn't kill her.

GABRIELLE
Oh, that's good. So, if you didn't kill her,
then who did?

They all look at each other.

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Kitchen. Cyrene cleans up. Autolycus enters. Xena reaches for some food on a plate and Cyrene slaps her hand.

XENA
Autolycus, come and give us a hand, wouldja?

AUTOLYCUS
Big job, running a tavern. Lots of things to keep
track of, huh? Food, drink, keys. Hey, what do you
know? There's a key to my room. Heh-heh-heh.
And, uh, to Xena's and Joxer's. 'Course, you'd
have a key to every room in the place, wouldn't
ya...Cyrene?

CYRENE
Meaning?

AUTOLYCUS
Meaning, ya must know every creaky floorboard
and squeaky hinge in the entire place. Why you
could float around like a ghost if you had to.

XENA
And, why would she wanna do that?

AUTOLYCUS
Bounty hunter checks in and despite what she
says, I think she knew it. You also knew it
was damn likely your daughter would be
on her list.

XENA
Autolycus, we already had this discussion.

Xena taps Autolycus' face.

AUTOLYCUS
Then you must agree no one has more means
or a stronger motive to kill Ravenica than your
own dear, overprotective mother. Sorry, Cyrene,
tough break. Book her, Xena. I'm outta here.

Autolycus moves to the door.

XENA
He's an idiot.

Autolycus opens the door. There's a flash of lightning and he's sent flying back.

AUTOLYCUS
Who-o-o-o-oa! Ho-ho-o-o-o-o! Oh!

Discord appears with two men, dressed in the leather shorts.

DISCORD
Thanks for the help, tall, dark and...mortal. I should
have known Xena wouldn't have the guts
to turn in her own mom.

Discord raises a bow and pulls back the arrow.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Discord pulls back the arrow. She fires.

AUTOLYCUS
Whoa!

Xena sends the arrow off course with her chakram.

DISCORD
What's the big idea? I thought you were the poster
girl for truth and justice.

XENA
I am, when I'm sure it's being served. And I'm not.
Come on, Discord, ya gave me 'til sunrise, remember?

DISCORD
Fine. Play your little detective games. But time
is running out.

Autolycus laughs.

AUTOLYCUS
You know? It's hard to believe you're new at this.

He chuckles.

AUTOLYCUS
I gotta tell ya, you're doin' a helluva job. Vigilant,
hard-working, why, you even put a clock on the
case, which reminds me, I'm a little pressed for
time, so, uh, huh-huh, you'll pardon me.

Discord makes an hourglass appear in the air. It drops from above Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey!

Autolycus catches it.

DISCORD
Pressed for time? I see what you mean.

Autolycus puts the heavy hourglass above the fireplace.

DISCORD
Suffer!

Discord disappears with her men.

GABRIELLE
Who was that?

XENA
Ares' latest find. Discord, Goddess of Retribution.

CYRENE
If Xena doesn't find Ravenica's killer, Discord's
taking one of us-

Autolycys moves to touch the hourglass which shocks him.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah! Oh!

CYRENE
-whether we did it or not.

GABRIELLE
But that's not fair.

MINYA
Well, she's a goddess.

AUTOLYCUS
Ooh!

LILA
I'm just glad she's gone.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah? Not for long.

GABRIELLE
Lila, you look white as a sheet. I'll get you some water.

Gabrielle moves off.

XENA
So, where's the fire, big guy?

AUTOLYCUS
Well, I just thought that I had the case all figured
out. Heh-heh-heh. Uh, sorry I almost got you
torched, Cyrene.

JOXER
So, you're saying it was Cyrene in the bedroom
with the kitchen knife.

AUTOLYCUS
No.

JOXER
In the kitchen with the bedroom knife?

Gabrielle enters, holding a pouch.

GABRIELLE
No, I think it might have something to do with this.

She opens it to see jewels.

JOXER
Look!

AUTOLYCUS
Hey!

JOXER
Clear gold!

AUTOLYCUS
That's private property!

JOXER
Oh, boy!

GABRIELLE
His bag spilled across the kitchen floor and these
were in it.

XENA
Well, that explains a lot of things. So, maybe her
locked purse wasn't a decoy after all.

AUTOLYCUS
Okay, I'm a thief! Hey! There's news! Meanwhile,
we got a murderer among us, remember?

GABRIELLE
I hate to say this Autolycus, but people have killed
for less than diamonds.

AUTOLYCUS
Come on, Gabrielle. You know my rap sheet. Do
you recall seeing 'ruthless murderer' anywhere
on it?!

JOXER
Mm-hmm. King of Thieves, escape artist extraordinaire,
master-of-disguise!

AUTOLYCUS
Quiet.

JOXER
I'm willin' to bet anything that mustache
is phony!

He tries to pull it off. Autolycus yells and punches Joxer in the face.

MINYA
Autolycus could have robbed her after she
was dead!

AUTOLYCUS
After sh...now you listen here, Missy. I may be
a thief, but I've got my standards. And-

XENA
And he wasn't the only one to go through her stuff.

CYRENE
What do you mean?

XENA
There are three scroll sheets here. One
of them contains my bounty. The other's of a--a
wanted poster for some other guy. And this, the
third one, is completely empty.

MINYA
So...

XENA
So a veteran of the road like Ravenica would never
carry more than she had to. And given that she
probably packed in the morning and unpacked
every single night-

GABRIELLE
You're saying that someone here took it.

MINYA
Autolycus could have taken that, too!

AUTOLYCUS
Of course, I could have.

XENA
No, it's not his style. Whoever did this was sloppy.

AUTOLYCUS
And dumb.

XENA
And they repacked in a hurry.

LILA
You can tell all that by just looking?

XENA
Well, think about it. Ravenica's maps were
all squished up on the bottom with her fruit, whereas
heavier, less necessary items were on top.

Cyrene chuckles.

CYRENE
Maybe she liked her pears bruised.

Gabrielle looks at Xena.

GABRIELLE
She's your mother.

XENA
Yeah, well, Mom, I can tell you one thing she didn't
like for sure and that's lavendar perfume. No bounty
hunter worth her salt would wear perfume
of any kind. They'd smell her before
she got close enough to pounce.

Minya smells the pouch.

MINYA
Smells lavendery, all right.

GABRIELLE
That's impossible, Xena. The only one who wears
lavender perfume here would be...

Gabrielle looks at Lila.

LILA
Me?

JOXER
Oh, wait a minute, now! Sure, sure, it looks bad.
Lila in the bedroom with a knife but as obvious
as that may seem-

LILA
Obvious?! Joxer, these things always smell of-

JOXER
Da, da, da! Please, I'm tryin' to help you out, here.
Now, look, Lila couldn't have killed Ravenica. Why
at the time of the murder, her whereabouts were
completely, unequivocally and without a doubt unknown.

Gabrielle sighs.

JOXER
Which is not to say she was anywhere near
the bedroom at the time of the murder. So...

LILA
Oh, oh, oh, okay I--I admit that, when I saw Ravenica
with her back to the corner and her eyes on the
door, I did think it was odd. But I never touched
her things, no matter how they smell.

GABRIELLE
You see, Xena? You can't suspect Lila.

XENA
Until I find out exactly who did it, I suspect everyone.
Come on, Gabrielle, I need your help. Autolycus,
yours too. Joxer...don't need your help.

Autolycus takes his jewels.

AUTOLYCUS
I'll just keep an eye on these, thank you.

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Ravenica's room. Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus enter.

GABRIELLE
It's ridiculous! It's our family we're talking
about, our friends. None of them would
commit cold-blooded murder.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, much as this scares me to say this, I think
she's right this time, Xena.

XENA
Oh, you do?

GABRIELLE
Look at that!

Gabrielle sees a large stick on the floor.

GABRIELLE
Now that is so odd!

AUTOLYCUS
Huh, looks like kindling.

GABRIELLE
It is kindling. But do either of you see a
woodpile in this room? No. A fireplace? No. A
stove!? No. Do you know what that means?

XENA and AUTOLYCUS
No.

GABRIELLE
Me neither.

XENA
There are three candles on the floor-

She looks at the chandelier.

XENA
-and two more up here, but there was only space
for four, oh. So, where did the fifth candle come from?

Gabrielle checks the window.

GABRIELLE
There's no way anyone came through here.
How about the door?

AUTOLYCUS
Locked as well from the inside.
GABRIELLE
And who discovered that? Someone with motive
enough for murder? Someone who's trying to confuse
us? Someone who's looking to beat this
rap the best he can no matter what the cost.

XENA
I did it.

GABRIELLE
Oh.

AUTOLYCUS
Ho-ho.

Xena looks at Ravenica.

XENA
Boy, whatever Mom's been putting in her grub
didn't agree with her. Check it out.

There's a large, red rash on Ravenica's neck.

XENA
Look at this rash. Hmm.

Autolycus looks around at the door. Xena feels the back of Ravenica's head. Xena looks at her hand and there's something on it.

GABRIELLE
Is that blood?

XENA
No, it's ink. There's a large bump on the skull
underneath it.

GABRIELLE
How did that get there?

AUTOLYCUS
Well, whoever did it didn't force their way in because
there are no pick marks on the lock and the hinges
have dust all over them. So the real question
here is, "Who has the key?"

Xena pulls it out of her cleavage.

XENA
Uh, that would be me.

AUTOLYCUS
Ah-h-h-h.

XENA
I found it when I broke in!

AUTOLYCUS
Uh-huh.

XENA
No, the real question is, "Who locked the door
from the inside?" Was it Ravenica or
the murderer?

AUTOLYCUS
I'll get back to you.

GABRIELLE
You know if she were short enough she could
have been stabbed through the keyhole.

XENA
Excellent deduction Gabrielle, but I think the
knife is the key.

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Outside.

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Sand runs from the top of the hourglass into the bottom.

JOXER
I still say it was Minya in the bedroom with
the knife!

MINYA
Will you can it?! It's not some sort of game,
you know.

CYRENE
She's right. Discord has long ears. She could
show up at any time.

JOXER
That's exactly my point! You keep talking about
her ears like that and she will show up!

MINYA
She didn't mean it literally-

JOXER
Oh, yeah?!

MINYA
-ya big, dumb moron!

Xena enters with the others.

XENA
All right. All right. Which of you owns this?

Xena holds up the dagger.

GABRIELLE
I should tell you. It's a little-known fact that every
sheath bears the grooves left by the blade it holds
and since no two blades are alike, this knife
can identify its owner.

Joxer looks at Minya.

JOXER
Hmm?

MINYA
Okay! It's mine, all right? The knife's mine.

JOXER
See?! I told you! It was her in the bedroom
with the knife the whole time!

MINYA
It was not!

JOXER
It was.

XENA
Minya, you might have noticed that your
knife was sticking out of her chest.

LILA
In her heart.

XENA
No, her chest, about half a hand below her heart,
but still, it was enough to kill her if she hadn't
already been dead.

GABRIELLE
You're saying the knife didn't kill her?

XENA
That's right.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh-ho-ho! Well, that's just perfect! So instead of
wrapping everything up, you're just spinning even
more yarn to make things worse.

GABRIELLE
No, she isn't.

JOXER
Eh-hmm?

XENA
Huh?

GABRIELLE
Because I killed Ravenica.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Gabrielle is sitting down, everyone around her.

XENA
What are you saying? You can't have killed
her. You weren't even here!

GABRIELLE
I know, but if it wasn't the knife, it had to
be me. You see I ran into Ravenica two days ago.
I heard she was hot on your trail, so I decided to
slow her down a bit. I thought I could get here
first and warn you. So I put Joxer's gravy recipe
in her water bag.

MINYA
Ew-w-w-w!

JOXER
Mm-m-m-m-m.

XENA
That's inhuman!

GABRIELLE
It was only enough to give her the trots for
a couple of days, not enough to kill her,
unless she was allergic to it. And with the rash
on the back of her neck, she had to be, which
means...I am the killer.

Discord appears with her men.

XENA
No-o-o-o-o-o!

JOXER
No-o-o-o! No! It was my recipe that did it.
Take me.

XENA
No one's going anywhere, at least not just yet.
Look, this is as full as the day she filled it.

Xena tosses the water skin to one of the men.

XENA
Check it out.

Discord sniffs it.

DISCORD
Ew-w.

Discord's man tosses it back to Joxer who sniffs it.

JOXER
That's my recipe.

XENA
Ravenica never touched it. She probably conserved
supplies and drank rainwater, which means that
Gabrielle never killed anyone.

Discord sighs.

DISCORD
Look Xena, I'm tired of being jerked around.

XENA
You gave me 'til sunrise to jerk you around.

DISCORD
I lied.

Discord looks at the hourglass and most of it empties. She laughs.

DISCORD
Time flies when I'm having fun.

Discord disappears. Everyone starts talking at once.

CYRENE
That isn't fair!

JOXER
She can't just turn the whole-

XENA
All right that's enough. That's enough!

They all keep talking.

AUTOLYCUS
For crying out loud, here I am trapped with a
bunch of morons.

XENA
Shut up!

They all shut up.

XENA
Okay. We don't have very much time, which means
I'm gonna want some straight answers.

JOXER
Right.

XENA
Starting with you!

JOXER
Me? What have I got to hide? Huh.

XENA
Nothing but this.

Xena takes the piece of paper Joxer took from Ravenica's bag and starts waving it around out of his reach.

JOXER
Oh!

XENA
Hmm? You want it? Huh?

JOXER
Xena! Give it!

XENA
No. Now, this has been missing from Ravenica's
things since we first unpacked them. I wouldn't
mind betting that that third bounty scroll is
somewhere in your bedroom. Correct-a-mundo?

JOXER
Uh! Uh! Uh! We, uh, ya-

Autolycus grabs him.

AUTOLYCUS
Where do you think you're goin'...killer?

JOXER
Uh, oh, okay, okay! It all started when I got a
note...from Lila.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer's room. Joxer smells the letter.

JOXER (voice-over)
It was a love note, doused with lavender.
Of course, I was flattered.

Joxer starts to write.

JOXER (voice-over)
Who wouldn't be? Lila's terrific! But I'm already in
love with Ga...with gallivanting around, fighting
for peace and justice. So, naturally, I decided to
let her down with a little-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

JOXER
-note of my own.

AUTOLYCUS
I'm sure she was crushed.

JOXER
Sh. I, uh...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer's room. He looks at Gabrielle's scroll.

JOXER (voice-over)
Did borrow little bits and pieces from Gabrielle's-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

JOXER
-scrolls.

Gabrielle pulls him down to her level.

JOXER
O-oh!

GABRIELLE
Do you have one of my scrolls?

JOXER
Uh, well...

XENA
Go on with ya story, Joxer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica enters Joxer's room.

JOXER
Just a minute! Hah, some people. Boy, I tell you,
they'll never wait. They'll just rip-

Ravenica grabs Joxer by the throat.

RAVENICA
Well if it isn't the famous assassin. Goin' a little
soft, aren't you...Jett?

JOXER (voice-over)
You see? She had mistaken me for my villainous
twin brother. Happens all the time.

JOXER
Ya got the wrong g-

RAVENICA
Can it. I've got bigger fish on the line. But I'm
warning you Jett, get in my way-

She takes Lila's letter and rips it in half.

RAVENICA
This won't be the only thing I rip in two. Lavender?
You are getting soft.

She drops one half and walks off with the other.

JOXER
Oh, how do ya like that?

Joxer knocks the ink off the table and it hits Ravenica in the head.

JOXER
Oh! Oh!

He gasps.

JOXER
Ooh!

He whistles. Ravenica leaves.

MINYA (voice-over)
So that's what killer her!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

MINYA
It was Joxer...in his bedroom...with an inkwell.

JOXER
Hey, when I left her, she was stained, but
standing. It was only later I went back to that room
to get that little piece 'a scroll.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer sneaks into Ravenica's room.

JOXER (voice-over)
Stealthy as a jungle cat, I crept around the room
searching everywhere.

He steps in a bucket. Trying to get out of the bucket, his head hits the chandelier. He falls to the floor.

JOXER
Ow! Oh! Uh! Ooh! Ow! Uh! Oh! Uh! Uh. Uh.

He pulls off the bucket and hits himself in the face.

JOXER
You!

He throws away the bucket. He sees Ravenica's bag.

JOXER
Oh. Oh, oh. Uh.

He empties it. He finds a scroll and opens it. It's a bounty on Jett. Joxer takes it.

JOXER (voice-over)
Sure, my brother Jett's a coldhearted, merciless
killer, but family's family, right?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

AUTOLYCUS
You sure you didn't kill her by accident? You know,
death by blunder? By lethal clumsiness?

JOXER
Positive! And you oughtta know that better than
anyone Autolycus!

XENA
What do you mean, Joxer?

JOXER
Only, that I wasn't the last person to see
Ravenica alive.

LILA
You mean you saw her with Autolycus.

JOXER
Well-

Autolycus pinches Joxer.

AUTOLYCUS
Hmm?

JOXER
Oh!

AUTOLYCUS
Mm-mm-mmm.

JOXER
Not exactly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica's room. Joxer takes the scroll and throws things back in the bag. He can hear Ravenica and Autolycus outside the door.

AUTOLYCUS
Ravenica wait. Slow down. Please just listen to me.

RAVENICA
Why? You've got nothing to say I want to hear.

AUTOLYCUS
No please don't be like this.

RAVENICA
How should I be after what you did?

Joxer jumps out the window. He kicks Argo as he lands in the stable. Argo whinnies. Joxer looks in the room from the window.

AUTOLYCUS
You mean you don't believe me? Aw, come on baby.

JOXER
Sh. Sh. Good horsey. Quiet, horsey.

RAVENICA
What exactly do I mean?

AUTOLYCUS
Oh come on Ravenica, you know I didn't rob you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, he's hearing things! Ha-ha! Come on! Are you
gonna believe this blowhard or me, huh?
Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Hmm-hmm. Ahem.
Mm-m-m-m.

They all look at Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, all right. I admit that I knew her. We even did
a few jobs together a while back.

JOXER
Mm-m-m-m-m-m-m.

AUTOLYCUS
But then, all of a sudden, she starts to collect
bounties on guys like me. So I figure, well, if I
just rob from her it isn't really stealing. It's more
like payback. The trouble is Ravenica didn't share
my point of view.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
They enter Ravenica's room.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, come on Ravenica. You know I'd never lie
to you.

RAVENICA
You saying you didn't steal my diamonds
last night?

AUTOLYCUS
If I had, would I be right here at the very next
tavern down the road? No I'd be pawning them
in Athens by now.

RAVENICA
Then, why are you here?

AUTOLYCUS
I think we both know the answer to that.

Autolycus kisses her. They freeze.

JOXER (voice-over)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

JOXER
That's not what I heard.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer listens. Ravenica's room.

RAVENICA
You saying you didn't steal my diamonds
last night?

AUTOLYCUS
If I had, would I be right here at the very next
tavern down the road? No I'd be pawning them
in Athens by now.

RAVENICA
Then, why are you here?

AUTOLYCUS
Because I know what you've become. And if you
think I'm gonna let you cash in on Xena-

He draws a dagger.

AUTOLYCUS
-think again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

XENA
You did that for me?

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, okay. I admit it. But I-

Discord appears with her men.

DISCORD
Well, it's about time. Okay tall, dark and deadly,
let's go.

Discord raises her bow.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Xena stands in front of Autolycus.

XENA
Wait, Discord. Wait.

DISCORD
What?!

XENA
He didn't say that he killed her. He only said
that he warned her.

DISCORD
Killed her! Warned her! Who cares?! Now, move!
Before I make a mortal shish kebab.

JOXER
Ooh, ooh.

XENA
Okay, I just thought that maybe Ares wouldn't be
that happy if he knew that you deliberately let someone
escape retribution.

Discord lowers her bow.

DISCORD
Fine, you wanna play rough? I love rough. So,
here's the deal. You either hand me the killer on
my next trip, or I'll take 'em all. Your friends, your
family, everyone. That way I know the killer
won't escape me, because none of you will.

Discord disappears with the men.

MINYA

All of us?
CYRENE
Mm-m-m, that's what she said.

LILA
We're finished.

XENA
Not if you come clean and tell me everything.
(to Lila and Minya) For instance, where were you
two during all of this?

CYRENE
That's easy. They were at the table, talking. I could
see them both from the kitchen door.

XENA
I know that you might have seen them start a
conversation Mom, but I'm sure at some point it
turned into a monologue. (to Minya) Right?

MINYA
Well we were just tryin' to protect you.

LILA
That's right. When Minya told me who Ravenica
was I was only too glad to help.

XENA
Help do what?!

MINYA
Well it was my idea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila and Minya sit at the table. Minya slips Lila her dagger.

MINYA
You think this storm is rough, huh? You should'a
seen the one that struck my village about four
years ago.

LILA
Bad?

Minya sighs.

MINYA
With a capital beta. Yeah, the wind was blowin'
so hard that, um, everything that wasn't tied down
got blown away, you know?

Lila leaves.

MINYA
Like, uh, hayracks and um, livestock, small animals.
And uh, rain.

Cyrene looks in from the kitchen. She can only see Minya from where she is standing.

MINYA
Ho-ho. You know one guy, he thought it was the
end of the world. He wanted to build a big boat
and sell double occupancies. Yeah, I mean, like
it was it, was it was wet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lila enters the stable.

LILA (voice-over)
Minya and I figured without her horse, Ravenica
wouldn't be able to follow you.

Lila starts to cut Ravenica's horse free. Ravenica enters and grabs Lila's shoulder.

RAVENICA
Looking to steal my horse?

LILA
No. I was um, just tryin' to calm them. The storm's
got 'em scared.

Ravenica takes the dagger from Lila.

RAVENICA
Looks to me like the only one who's scared out
here is you.

She holds the dagger on Lila. Minya can be heard mumbling from Ravenica's room.

RAVENICA
Who is that in my room?

Ravenica leaves
.
MINYA (voice-over)
Lila couldn't'a-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

MINYA
-used my knife on her. She hadn't got back from
the stables when Ravenica was killed.

XENA
So the figure I saw in the storm was Lila and the
light that Ravenica saw in her room was Minya.

GABRIELLE
That's where the fifth candle came from.

MINYA
When Ravenica headed out to the stables I knew
Lila was in trouble. So I had to do something to
draw her back inside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minya enters Ravenica's room.

MINYA (voice-over)
I figured if she heard some men talking
in her room that'd get her out of the stables and
I could get away before she came back.

Minya starts mumbling in a deep voice.

MINYA (voice-over)
Unfortunately...

Ravenica enters.

RAVENICA
Everyone is so considerate here. Taking
care of my horse and...you're what? Making up
my room?

MINYA (voice-over)
I don't know what came over me, but seeing her
standing there, knowin' who she was, what she
does, I don't know, I guess I just saw red!

Minya throws her candle.

MINYA
Catch!

Ravenica doesn't move and it drops to the ground. Minya runs out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

MINYA
And I high-tailed it out of there. I thought she'd
follow me and like, have it out, but she didn't.

JOXER
That's right, because she couldn't! And it
was Minya in the bedroom with the-

AUTOLYCUS
Quiet.

MINYA, LILA and CYRENE
Quiet!

GABRIELLE
All right! All right! Now we've assembled the facts
and there's one thing we know beyond the shadow
of a doubt to be the indisputable truth. Ravenica
is dead and someone here killed her.

XENA
Oh.

AUTOLYCUS
Tell me somethin' I don't know.

GABRIELLE
I could ask you the same thing Autolycus.
Tell us what we don't know about you and Ravenica.

MINYA
Yeah.

LILA
Yeah, Autolycus.

MINYA
Yeah.

CYRENE
But Gabrielle surely he's already explained that.

AUTOLYCUS
Huh?

GABRIELLE
I think it was slightly vague. (to Cyrene) Like how
you explained why you weren't in your room when
Xena checked.

AUTOLYCUS
Mm-hmm.

LILA
Gabrielle this is Xena's mom.

GABRIELLE
I know that Lila and you're my sister. But if there's
blood on your hands-

JOXER
Blood!? Blood! Blood! Oh, no. It's just ink.

Xena rolls her eyes.

GABRIELLE
But blood is thicker than ink, Joxer. And the same
blood flows in you that flows in your deadly
brother, Jett.

Xena runs her hand over her face.

MINYA
You know what they say, blood will out.

GABRIELLE
But none of this explains why your knife
was in Ravenica's chest.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah, that's a good point. What about that
knife, huh?

Autolycus and Joxer start muttering at once.

GABRIELLE
Okay, okay, all right! Those are the facts! It doesn't
take an oracle to see our outcome.

AUTOLYCUS
Right. We're all gonna die.

Discord appears with a laugh. She has eight leather short men with her.

DISCORD
Well Xena time's up and I don't see you handing
me the killer. So, boys...

The men attack. Xena, Autolycus, Minya and Joxer fight.

GABRIELLE
Let's get out of the way! In the other room! Go!

Cyrene, Lila and Gabrielle run into the kitchen. The fight continues.

AUTOLYCUS
Ha-ha-ha. How's that feel, pretty boy?

DISCORD
Come on!

A man stumbles towards the kitchen. Cyrene breaks a pot over his head.

GABRIELLE
No.

Cyrene moves out to help, but Gabrielle holds her back.

GABRIELLE
No!

The fight continues, Discord's men losing.

DISCORD
Aw, you might be good in bed, but you're hopeless
in a fight.

Xena watches Minya push the chandelier into one of Discord's men.

MINYA
Catch!

Minya ducks when it swings back at her. The fight continues.

XENA
Wait! Stop! Stop the fight. I know who did it.

DISCORD
If this is a stall to try and buy your loser
friends more time...

XENA
No stall. And if you're not satisfied, you can take me.
That'll score you points with Ares, don't you think?

DISCORD
Show me.

XENA
Okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica's room. Autolycus and Joxer put Ravenica on a bed. Cyrene and the others enter. Cyrene holds a heavy sack.

CYRENE
Xena, will this do?

XENA
Yeah, that's perfect.

Xena moves to the window and props it open with the 'kindling' Gabrielle found earlier.

XENA
You see, Lila and Minya were guilty of
thinking like Ravenica.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica leans out the window towards Argo, holding Minya's dagger.

RAVENICA
Look at the bright side, horse. No more hauling
Xena around.

Ravenica moves to cut Argo.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena leans out the window, holding the sack.

XENA
But Argo has an instinct for danger. And she knew
that something was up.

Xena whistles and Argo kicks the sack.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica is knocked back, taking the stick with her. The window slams shut.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena takes the stick down and lets the shutter rest.

XENA
Ya see, the door was locked from the inside by
Ravenica with a key. But the window-

Xena pushes the shutter and it comes slamming down and locks.

XENA
The window locks itself.

DISCORD
That still doesn't explain the knife in her chest.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica is knocked back into the chandelier. She lands on the floor and the dagger flies and lands in her chest.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dagger drops into the sack.

XENA
The knife probably didn't go in much past
the breastplate.

DISCORD
But it was in up to its hilt.

XENA
Not at first.

Xena pushes the chandelier.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The chandelier swings.

XENA (voice-over)
A horse kick to the chest, a hit to her head and
a knife stuck in her chest but Ravenica was still
alive, until-

Ravenica stumbles about. She stands and the chandelier hits her, knocking her forward onto the dagger.

RAVENICA
Uh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ravenica's room.

DISCORD
Oh, puh-lease. Whaddya think? I'm some kind'a moron?!

The chandelier hits Discord in the head.

DISCORD
Uh!

The others duck as it comes at them. Discord stands and ducks. Xena stops the chandelier.

XENA
The first hit from the chandelier knocked her down
and the second one killed her. She fell forward-

GABRIELLE
Right onto the knife.

DISCORD
You're telling me your horse killed her?

XENA
In self-defense.
AUTOLYCUS
Ya gotta admit, it fits like a Trojan glove.

DISCORD
But I can't take back a horse! I don't do animals!

MINYA
That's not what I heard.

DISCORD
Ah-h-h-h! This job sucks!

Discord disappears with her men.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sun rise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minya looks about. Lila comes up to her and holds up a whip.

LILA
Is this what you're looking for?

MINYA
Yeah! Thanks! I owe ya.

LILA
Are you kidding?! If you hadn't distracted Ravenica,
who knows what she would have done
to me? You're a real hero, Minya.

MINYA
Yeah?

LILA
Yeah.

MINYA
Aw, I guess I am.

Joxer follows Gabrielle.

JOXER
Gabby, Sophocles said that plagiarism is the
sincerest form of flattery.

GABRIELLE
It doesn't excuse the fact you took my scroll.
Okay, you were willing to take my place with
Discord. I can forgive you.

She kisses him on the cheek and moves off.

JOXER
She likes me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyrene cleans up the mess.

AUTOLYCUS
Here, let me give you a hand.

Cyrene finds some diamonds.

CYRENE
These diamonds must be yours, Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
No. No, mine are all here. Must be your lucky
day Cyrene.

CYRENE
Must be.

Autolycus moves off and Xena joins Cyrene.

XENA
Mom...I'm really, really sorry that I suspected you.

CYRENE
I'm not. 'Cause it's true, I would kill to protect
you Xena. Any mother who loves her child would.

She hugs Xena.

CYRENE
Mm-m. I'm just glad I don't have to.

Cyrene leaves and Gabrielle joins Xena.

GABRIELLE
You know? When it's all said and done, it seems
everyone behaved like they did for one reason. Love.

Autolycus sneaks over to the kitchen.

GABRIELLE
For you, for family.

XENA
I guess you're right.

Lila sneaks into the kitchen.

AUTOLYCUS
Psst!

The others look out, but Autolycus holds up a finger.

GABRIELLE
So do you still think they're capable of anything?

XENA
Absolutely anything.

AUTOLYCUS
Now!

Everyone comes out of the kitchen, Cyrene holding a cake with lots of candles on it.

AUTOLYCUS, LILA, MINYA, JOXER and CYRENE
Happy birthday!

ALL
(singing) For she's another year older,
For she's another year older.
For she's another year older
And that's a crying shame!

Gabrielle blows out the candles.

ALL
(singing) For she'll never get any younger,
She'll never get any younger.
She'll never get any younger
And that's a crying shame!

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Meighan Desmond as Discord
Alison Wall as Minya
Willa O'Neill as Lila
Darien Takle as Cyrene
Bruce Campbell as Autolycus
Natalie Duggan as Ravenica

Written by: Jeff Vlaming
Directed by: Christopher Graves

Disclaimer: Argo was once again proven innocent during the production of this motion picture.