Animal Attraction


TEASER

Joxer and Amarice walk ahead of Gabrielle and Xena (who rides Argo). Joxer keeps looking back at Gabrielle and doesn't watch where he is going. He bumps into Amarice.

AMARICE
Ow! Joxer!

JOXER
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

AMARICE
Come on.

JOXER
I wasn't looking.

AMARICE
Yeah, you were. At Gabrielle.

JOXER
Was not.

AMARICE
Was to. You know what? If I ever go ga-ga like that
over anyone, you have my permission to kill me.

JOXER
Happy to oblige.

Amarice elbows him.

JOXER
Ow!

AMARICE
That is so guy!

JOXER
What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon.
All you know is shopping for bows and arrows
and emasculation.

AMARICE
I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one.

JOXER
You know? I'm so glad all women aren't like you.

AMARICE
All the women I know are. We don't need a man
to get along. In fact as far as they're concerned
you guys are totally dispensable.

Amarice moves ahead. Joxer looks back at Gabrielle. Gabrielle shakes her head and he pretends he was looking back at something else.

JOXER
Hmm. Hmm.

Joxer turns back around and shakes his fists, angry at himself.

GABRIELLE
He did it again.

Xena wakes up.

XENA
What? Aw, I must have missed it. I think I dozed off.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, you've been doing that a lot lately.

XENA
Yeah. I've been taking hornbain and olive but it
doesn't seem to be helping. I guess I just need
a bit more sack time, huh?

Argo whinnies.

XENA
What are you? A healer?

Argo whinnies again.

XENA
Nah, I'm just tired. (to Gabrielle) Why, what did
I miss?

GABRIELLE
Joxer gave me one of those looks again. Xena,
when he said he loved me, he said that he didn't
expect anything from me. Clearly, he does. I'm
trying to be sensitive. Do you have any advice?

Gabrielle looks up but Xena is asleep again. Argo whinnies and Xena wakes up.

XENA
Huh? What was that?

They can hear another horse whinnying.

XENA
Yah!

Xena rides past Joxer.

JOXER
Oh.

XENA
Yah!

JOXER
Xena, uh-

XENA
Yah!

Xena ignores him. Gabrielle runs by.

JOXER
Okay. Oh. Gabby, would you-

GABRIELLE
Later Joxer. Come on Amarice!

Gabrielle and Amarice run after Xena.

JOXER
Wait.

Joxer follows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brown stallion has his foot in a trap. Xena stops Argo.

XENA
Okay Argo, I'm gonna need your help here. Come
on big fella. It's okay. It's okay. You're gonna feel
a whole lot better by the time we're through with ya.

Xena lassos the horse.

XENA
All right. All right. We gotcha now.

Xena ties the rope to Argo's saddle.

XENA
Okay Argo. Here we go. Easy now. There boy.
Who-o-o-oa.

Gabrielle, Amarice and Joxer enter.

GABRIELLE
Oh, by the gods.

XENA
Gabrielle come here. Joxer, Amarice, you stay there.
--Gabrielle, talk to him.

GABRIELLE
What do I say?

XENA
Say anything. See if you can calm him down while
I set his leg free from that trap.

GABRIELLE
(whisper) Okay.

Gabrielle slowly moves a little closer.

GABRIELLE
It's okay boy. It's okay. Easy. Good boy. It's okay.
No one's gonna hurt you. Hold still. Steady. Steady.
It's okay. Steady-y-y-y. That's it. Hold still.

Xena moves towards the horse.

GABRIELLE
That's a good boy. (whispering) Good.
Sh-h-h, sh-h-h. It's okay. Be still. Stay still.

Xena opens the trap.

XENA
Steady-y-y-y.

GABRIELLE
Good boy.

XENA
There ya go.

GABRIELLE
(whispers) Yeah.

XENA
Huh.

GABRIELLE
Good boy.

XENA
We're gonna have to treat that wound before we
set him free.

GABRIELLE
Set him free?

XENA
What's on your mind?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group moves into Spamona, the horse being lead behind Argo.

JOXER
Spa...moan. Spamona?

GABRIELLE
Spamona. Yeah it's famous for its hot springs.
Hey Xena, a little rest and we'll all feel better.

JOXER
Hot springs, huh?

EXTRA
Ma'am?

JOXER
Hey ya know that guy?

GABRIELLE
Who, him?

JOXER
Hey these hot springs, they, um-

EXTRA
Get your hands in the water now!

They enter the village.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stable. They lead the horse in.

GABRIELLE
Come on boy. Steady. That's it. Good boy.

JOXER
I heard a horse once bit a man in half. Get! Get!
Go on!

The Stablehand leads Argo in.

GABRIELLE
I really appreciate this.

XENA
Are you kidding? This way I get a hot bath and
to eat something I didn't kill myself. On the other
hand, I'm so hungry I could eat a h-

The horse whinnies.

GABRIELLE
You wouldn't.

Xena shakes her head and mouths, "No."

STABLEHAND
Ah, excuse me folks, I guess I oughtta tell ya this
town's got a law against carrying weapons.

AMARICE
In case you didn't know, this is Xena. Who's got
the guts to take her weapons, huh?

TALIA
Me.

Talia enters and draws her sword. Xena draws hers.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Xena draws her sword and Amarice draws a dagger.

TALIA
Yuh!

Xena and Talia fight. Xena knocks Talia down.

TALIA
Aw!

Xena holds her sword on Talia's neck. She stands and offers her hand. Talia takes it and Xena picks her up. Xena smiles and Talia laughs.

TALIA
I never could put that past you.

XENA
Hello Talia.

They laugh and hug.

TALIA
Aw-w-w-w. Aw-w-w, you always saw that move coming.

XENA
Aw, your sword kind of tips it. You could try switching
hands. Might save your life.

TALIA
Oh, I'll remember that.

GABRIELLE
I guess you two know each other.

XENA
Oh, this is Talia. We rode together years ago.
These are my friends Gabrielle, Joxer and Amarice.

TALIA
Welcome to Spamona.

XENA
You know I'm kind of surprised to findja in a place like this.

TALIA
Oh, I'm kind of surprised to find you alive. Word
was Caesar staked you to a cross.

XENA
Yeah. It's a long story. Why don't we get together
over a meal? You know I wanna feel I should
have some raspberry jelly and I don't know, some
raw fish. What do you say?

JOXER
Um, I just ate.

Joxer leaves.

XENA
But...

GABRIELLE
Hm-m.

AMARICE
Uh, yeah. I wouldn't wanna butt in.

Amarice leaves.

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
I'm gonna work with the horse.

XENA
(to Talia) Aah. Come on. I'm buying.

Xena and Talia leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern. Xena eats. Deputy enters.

TALIA
You always eat like this?

XENA
Well, you know...

DEPUTY
Hello Sheriff but I thought you oughtta see this.

He holds out a dagger.

DEPUTY
Showed up while I was on rounds.

XENA
It's yours. I recognize the design.

TALIA
Was mine. Last I saw, it was sticking in a dirt
bag named Darcon. He used to tear up this town
pretty bad.

DEPUTY
I'm sorry Sheriff but if Darcon and his boys are
out, no one's safe.

EXTRA
I don't know.

Deputy places his badge on the table.

TALIA
What's this?

DEPUTY
My resignation.

EXTRA
He's looking for the whole bandwagon.

The Deputy leaves.

XENA
Well, Darcon must be trouble.

TALIA
Nothin' but.

XENA
I'm glad we're here to help.

TALIA
No. I--I mean, thanks, but Darcon's my problem.
I'll handle him. Your word.

XENA
Oh. (holds up two fingers) Promise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hot baths. Amarice enters. She sees a fat man walk by and watches him with disgust. She walks into Arman who falls into the bath, knocking his head. He doesn't come up.

EXTRA
He's not comin' up.

EXTRA
No. Do something!

EXTRA
Help him!

AMARICE
Hey! Hey! Hey!

Amarice pulls him out of the water.

AMARICE
Are you all right? Hello!

She taps his face then gives him mouth-to-mouth. Arman coughs and wakes up.

AMARICE
Oh, by the gods. You all right? Hey.

Arman sees Amarice.

ARMAN
I am now.

AMARICE
Yeah, me too. I mean, glad you're all right. I--I
wouldn't wanna drown you my first time here.

ARMAN
I know what you mean. Makes for a very bad impression.

They chuckle.

AMARICE
Well, there's no visible damage so, see ya.

Amarice starts to leave.

ARMAN
No, no. Wait. Uh, look, you just saved my life
and I don't even know your name.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Amarice, there ya are. Arman.

AMARICE and ARMAN
You know Joxer?

JOXER
What are you doing here? I thought you were
away at school.

ARMAN
Well, I was just passin' through.

JOXER
Hey, uh, listen, I--I never told you that, uh...

ARMAN
No Joxer, uh, that was the past.

They clasp arms.

JOXER
So, uh, ya know, uh, Amarice.

ARMAN
Know her? She saved my life.

JOXER
Oh-h-h, did you now? Saved a man's life, did ya?
Mm-m. Huh.

AMARICE
I'm glad you're all right.

She moves to leave again.

ARMAN
No, wait!

AMARICE
Whoa!

Amarice slips on a puddle and falls. Arman and Joxer laugh.

ARMAN
Right over!

Amarice stands and faces them.

AMARICE
You think that's funny?

JOXER
Well no. Uh, but a little bit. Yeah. (laughs)

ARMAN
Sorry, but it's just, you're not hurt and--and it was
pretty funny!

Arman laughs.

JOXER
Come on Amarice. You're not really hurt.

ARMAN
Where's your sense a humour?

AMARICE
You wanna know where my sense of humor is?!
I'll tell you! You mother-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound of a bell dong. Joxer and Arman are being massaged but women.

ARMAN
Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? I'm
telling you, she's insane.

JOXER
No argument there.

ARMAN
Immature, obnoxious, spoiled.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amarice paces in front of Xena and Gabrielle who are in steam baths.

AMARICE
Inconsiderate, arrogant, self-centered, uh, smug.

GABRIELLE
Maybe it wasn't Arman.

XENA
Doesn't sound like him to me.

AMARICE
I got news for you. People change.

XENA
Hm-m-m.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Massage table.

ARMAN
Oh and talk about erratic. One moment she's
savin' my life, the next she's tryin' to take my head
off. What's that all about?

JOXER
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't chain 'em in
the yard.

Joxer laughs and the woman massaging him digs her elbow in.

JOXER
Ow! Oh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena farts.

XENA
I don't feel so good.

AMARICE
After raspberry jam and raw fish? Big surprise.

GABRIELLE
You haven't been feeling good for days, now.

XENA
It'll pass.

GABRIELLE
I know you're a gifted healer. I think it's time for
a second opinion. What do you say?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Healer looks in Xena's mouth.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.
A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.

HEALER
Very good. Well congratulations. You're in excellent
health, you know? Considering.

XENA
Beg pardon? Hey Doc, if there's som'in' wrong,
you know you can tell me. It--it doesn't matter
what it is. I can take it. I'm pretty tough. Just spit it
out. I'm in excellent health, considering what?

HEALER
Considering you're pregnant.

Xena looks in shock at her stomach.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Xena holds the Healer by the collar and shoves him back.

XENA
It's impossible! I cannot be pregnant. If you
weren't such a quack, you would know that getting
pregnant involves certain physical requirements
that I haven't met in a long time and I mean a
very long time. No one, zilch, zippo. I am a love-free
zone. Therefore it is utterly impossible that I be up
the duff. So what's your diagnosis now?

HEALER
Mood swings!

Xena drops him and leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle carries a sack of apples.

JOXER
Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Wait up! Wait up! Look,
uh, let me help ya!

GABRIELLE
Oh, I can carry a sack of apples.

JOXER
I--I know you can! I know you can! But--but why
should ya?

GABRIELLE
Joxer thank you.

JOXER
No, no. Gabrielle look, with me around to handle
the smaller and more indispensable aspects of
life, that leaves you to handle the larger and more
important ones.

GABRIELLE
No, I can handle my own apples.

JOXER
Gabrielle, let me help you. You might like it.

GABRIELLE
I don't think so.

Joxer and Gabrielle fight over the bag.

JOXER
Gimme!

GABRIELLE
Stop it.

JOXER
I'm gonna help you!

GABRIELLE
Joxer.

JOXER
No.

GABRIELLE
Joxer get your hands off my apples!

The bag rips and the apples spill.

JOXER
Perfect example.

Joxer starts to pick them up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena moves out of the Healer's hut.

EXTRA
Right over here!

Xena looks at her stomach.

XENA
Quack.

Xena walks off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle holds out an apple.

GABRIELLE
Come on. Here you go boy. Go on, it's an apple.
Oh, I know you're hungry, you know it. Come on.
Come on, I'm your friend. Argo will ya tell him
I'm not gonna hurt him?

Argo nods. The horse moves over to her. They two whinny at each other. The horse turns his head away from Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Fine, if that's your attitude, you can just take it
when you want it. I'm talking to horses.

Argo whinnies.

GABRIELLE
Am I nuts?

Arman enters.

ARMAN
Certifiable.

GABRIELLE
Arman.

ARMAN
Joxer said I'd find you here.

They hug.

GABRIELLE
Amarice was right. It is you.

ARMAN
Amarice?

GABRIELLE
What's going on with you two?

ARMAN
She's insane. All I did was laugh a little when
she slipped.

GABRIELLE
You laughed at her?

ARMAN
Well, yeah. It was funny. And she wasn't hurt.

GABRIELLE
Right. Her pride was hurt. Okay, think about if you
fell down in front of your whole school. Would
you laugh?

ARMAN
I see your point. So what do I do to make it up to her?

GABRIELLE
Flowers. You can't go wrong with flowers.

ARMAN
Flowers?

GABRIELLE
Yes, women love flowers. Except Xena.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena moves past a flower cart.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
You know, she's the only woman that I know who
doesn't stop to smell them.

EXTRA
Got it! Got it! Get your flowers here!

Xena picks up a flower and smells it.

XENA
Hm-m-m.

EXTRA
I got fresh flowers here!

Xena sees a teddy bear. She picks it up.

XENA
(cute voice) Oh-h-h-h, it's a wittle cutey! I...

Xena stops herself. She looks around and then puts the flower and the bear down before moving off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stable.

ARMAN
You know what? I think you're right. Maybe Amarice
and I just got off on the wrong foot. I'll do that.
Hey, uh, thanks for the advice.

Arman leaves.

GABRIELLE
'Wrong foot.' Hm-m-m.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle has a bandage on her leg.

GABRIELLE
Look familiar? Pretty painful, huh? Who-o! Boy!

Gabrielle limps around.

GABRIELLE
Nah, it's not a nice feeling. Yeah, I know what
you're going through.

She sighs.

GABRIELLE
It's tough. Tough on a horse.

She sighs again.

GABRIELLE
We're equals now, though. You know that? You
can trust me, now. Horse. Forget it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talia's. Xena and Talia enter.

TALIA
It's not that I don't appreciate your offer. I do.

XENA
Then why don't you accept a little help?

TALIA
Because this is my problem, not yours.

XENA
You're wrong. Fighting men like Darcon is
everybody's problem, especially mine.

TALIA
Not this time.

XENA
Really? Ah-h, so what makes Darcon different
from every other scum-sucking warlord?

TALIA
He's my husband.

XENA
Condolences.

TALIA
I don't love him, not anymore but I did. And now
I'm afraid of him...of me.

XENA
Talia this must end here. Face it you're going
to need a little help. That's what I'm here for.

TALIA
No. No, I stand up to Darcon or I don't but either
way, I am not gonna let you take him on for me,
especially pregnant.

Xena looks at her in shock.

TALIA
Oh, come on. Who's kidding herself, now? The
need for sleep? The cravings? The nausea?
Hey--hey, not to mention, you know you're looking
a little...

Xena looks at her and Talia holds up her hands.

TALIA
My mother was a midwife Xena. Wake up and
smell the diapers.

Talia leaves and Xena gasps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern. Xena enters.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena moves to the bar.

BARTENDER
What'll it be?

XENA
Milk.

BARTENDER
(laughs) Milk?!

XENA
I said milk! What, am I over-age?

Amarice moves over to her.

AMARICE
Xena hey. I've been looking all over for you. I think
I'm in trouble.

XENA
What, is it in the water?

The Bartender sets the mug of milk in front of Xena.

AMARICE
Huh? I'm talking about Arman?

XENA
Well, what about him?

AMARICE
Well, you see that's the trouble.

Xena takes a drink and has a milk mustache.

AMARICE
Every Amazon instinct I have says keep away but
my heart just says go for it. Have you ever had
this problem before?

Arman enters.

XENA
Apparently. Listen Amarice, either you kiss him
or you kill him. But either way it doesn't seem to
make a difference.

Xena walks off.

ARMAN
Xena? How you been?

Xena grabs Arman's collar.

XENA
You hurt her Arman, I will have your hide.

She leaves. Arman moves over to Amarice, flowers and chocolates in hand.

ARMAN
Hi.

AMARICE
Hi. What are those?

ARMAN
A way to start over, I hope. These are for you.

AMARICE
For me? Wow. Nobody's ever given me anything
like this before.

ARMAN
I'm surprised. You deserve them.

AMARICE
I do?

ARMAN
And more. You deserve someone who'll really
appreciate you. A man who'll protect and pamper you.

AMARICE
A man to protect me?

ARMAN
Make sure you never have to worry or be scared.

AMARICE
You think I'm scared of you?

ARMAN
No, no. That's not what I said.

AMARICE
That's what you meant!

ARMAN
No it isn't.

AMARICE
You calling me a liar?

ARMAN
Are you telling me what I said?!

AMARICE
I know what I heard!

ARMAN
Liar!

She hits him with the flowers and then they kiss.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Arman and Amarice kiss. Joxer enters.

JOXER
Oh! Arman!

They stop kissing.

JOXER
Oh-h-h-h. We-e-e-ell I see you two didn't have
any problem makin' up. (to Amarice) And I see you
have no problem kissing guys!

Joxer laughs and Amarice punches him.

JOXER
Aw-w-w! Ah-h-h!

AMARICE
He started it!

ARMAN
I did not!

JOXER
Have you seen Gabrielle?

AMARICE
You kissed me first!

ARMAN
I did not! That kiss was all your idea!

JOXER
I'm trying to find Gabrielle. So if you-

AMARICE
You know what? You are delusional.

ARMAN
Well I'd rather be deluded than nuts.

Amarice shoves the flowers into his hands and shoves past Joxer. Arman shoves the flowers at Joxer and shoves past him.

JOXER
Oh! Kids.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stable.

GABRIELLE
I don't know why I tried. I'm just like an idiot. Talking
to horses. Think I'd have no friends.

The horse moves over to her.

GABRIELLE
Good horse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talia mounts her white horse.

EXTRA
See you Friday!

TALIA
Hi-ho!

Talia rides off.

EXTRA
Help!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena is in the stable.

XENA
I've got something I wanna tell you. Just stay put.
Believe me, you don't wanna be standing when
you hear this. Not that it's bad. See I would sense
that and it's not but there is this small question
of how it happened and once you get past that,
it's really great. Don't give me that look like you
knew. You didn't know.

Xena is talking to Argo. She moves over to the mare and pets her.

XENA
I didn't even know and I'm the one who's expecting.
Or maybe you did know but don't let on to the others.
I wanna tell them myself. Gabrielle's gonna freak.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arman exists the tavern. Xena walks in. Arman sees her and starts to walk the other way.

EXTRA
Let's go! Take the eight!

XENA
Arman come here.

Arman walks over to her.

EXTRA
Here boy.

XENA
Listen, what I said to you before, I'm--I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it. I was steamed about something
else. You're a good man. I know that.

ARMAN
The way I feel about Amarice, I'm not sure that
qualifies as good. I mean it's not like I meant for
this to happen.

XENA
Happen? Something happened?

ARMAN
I kissed her and no matter what she says, she
kissed me back. She just won't admit it.

XENA
And why do you think that is?

ARMAN
I think it's 'cause she's scared it'll make her seem weak.

XENA
Hm-m.

ARMAN
Like carin' for someone is som'in' bad. Can you
believe that?

XENA
Yeah, I used to but now I know that any fool can
risk his life. It takes a hero to risk his heart.

ARMAN
Well tell that to Amarice!

XENA
I've got a better idea.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amarice sits in the tavern. Xena shoves Arman in. Arman tries to leave but Xena waves him inside. He moves over to Amarice and Xena leaves.

ARMAN
Hi, uh, mind if I sit down?

AMARICE
If you want. I mean, I mean, sure, yeah.

ARMAN
Great, uh, so, uh, look, Amarice I just want you
to know that I've talked to Xena and uh-

AMARICE
You talked to her? Me too. She's great isn't she?

ARMAN
Oh! The best. Now there's a woman who's really
got it together.

AMARICE
Never loses it.

ARMAN
Never.

They laugh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena throws up in a barrel.

EXTRA
Keep the street clear!

EXTRA
It's the last one.

Xena throws up again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern.

AMARICE
Ga--a--a--a...what you were gonna say?

ARMAN
Oh, uh, it's just that, uh, I understand where you're
comin' from a--and--and I want you to know that
there's no hard feelings.

AMARICE
Hard feelings? If anyone should have hard feelings,
it would be me. Which I don't.

ARMAN
Amarice what's goin' on? Why you acting like this?

AMARICE
Like what, if you don't mind my asking?

ARMAN
Like that. So--so phony, it's not you.

AMARICE
Oh, like you really know me.

ARMAN
Keep this up and I won't want to.

AMARICE
Oh, really? Well excuse me for being nice. It
won't happen again!

Amarice leaves.

ARMAN
That was nice?

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Amarice have you seen Xena?

Amarice shoves him and leaves.

JOXER
Oh!

AMARICE
Wait till I do!

JOXER
Arman have you seen Xena?

Arman shoves Joxer out of the way and leaves.

ARMAN
Ah, I can't wait to find her!

JOXER
Kids.

Joxer leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stable. Xena enters.

GABRIELLE
Come on. Come on Handsome. Come on.

The horse eats the apple out of Gabrielle's hands. Amarice, Arman and Joxer enter, all talking at once.

AMARICE
Xena?! Xena! You said-

JOXER
Oh Xena there you are!

AMARICE
-'Kiss him or kill him,' right?

ARMAN
Come on, I tried it.

AMARICE
Well I pick kill!

ARMAN
I couldn't seem to-

AMARICE
I was totally being nice!

ARMAN
It's like cozying up to a cactus! Like Xena-

GABRIELLE
Will you guys shut up?!

ARMAN
-tried to-

GABRIELLE
Shut up, please! The horse.

Now all four are talking at once and the horse is whinnying.

ARMAN
Every time I try to be nice just like you said she
always thinks-

XENA
I'm pregnant.

They don't hear Xena.

GABRIELLE
Xena, can you tell them, please?

ARMAN
Just like you said.

AMARICE
He's yelling-

XENA
I'm pregnant!

They still don't hear Xena.

ARMAN
She's just--just insane.

ARMAN
Don't even-

XENA
(yells) I'm pregnant!

Everyone shuts up and stares at Xena. Gabrielle laughs then looks at Xena when she doesn't.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Stable.

GABRIELLE
You're pregnant?

Xena laughs and smiles.

GABRIELLE
How can you be pregnant? Xena I mean, when
did you...who did...

XENA
I don't know.

JOXER
And you asked her advice on your love life.

Arman elbows him.

GABRIELLE
You don't know?

XENA
Gabrielle this is as strange to me as it is to you.
I don't understand it but it's true. I felt it with Solan
and I feel it now. There's life within me and
it's good.

Gabrielle hugs her.

GABRIELLE
Congratulations.

XENA
Thanks.

AMARICE
A baby.

Amarice hugs her.

AMARICE
You're gonna be a really good mom.

XENA
Thanks.

ARMAN
That's really somethin'.

JOXER
I always wanted to be an uncle. Hello there, little fella!

Xena slaps him in the face.

JOXER
Oh! Beats the heck out of my news.

XENA
What's that?

JOXER
Some creep named Darcon's comin'. He should
be here by sundown.

XENA
Has Talia seen this?

JOXER
I can't find her. Nobody can.

XENA
Then it's up to us.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darcon and his men ride.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arman enters a room to find Amarice.

AMARICE
What are you doing here?

ARMAN
Xena sent me. Told me to guard the flank against a-

ARMAN and AMARICE
-surprise attack.

AMARICE
I don't even know why she wants me here. All the
action's gonna be down on the street.

ARMAN
I heard this Darcon's guy pretty tough.

AMARICE
Well I'm not afraid of him, if that's what you think.

ARMAN
No. Why do you always twist what I say? To
tell the truth Amarice, I don't know anyone who'd
scare you. You never let 'em close enough to try.

AMARICE
That's not true. There is someone who scares
me. You.

ARMAN
Very funny.

AMARICE
I'm not kidding. I've never met anyone like you.
I'm not used to feeling this way.

ARMAN
You think I am? This is all new to me too.

AMARICE
It doesn't scare you?

ARMAN
Big time but that's what makes us so brave, to
feel this scared and not run away. I'd say that takes
a lotta courage, wouldn't you?

AMARICE
You calling me a coward?

ARMAN
I hope not.

They kiss.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sundial.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle get their weapons ready. Xena opens a window and they look down on the street.

GABRIELLE
You don't have the slightest idea?

XENA
No. Look we've been through this a thousand
times. I don't.

GABRIELLE
How can you not know? I--I just find that hard
to believe, you know?

XENA
Tell me.

GABRIELLE
Ares. Maybe he did a god thing.

Xena holds up a finger.

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
Okay fine.

She is quiet for a moment.

GABRIELLE
When was the last time we saw Hercules? I forget,
I can't...

The sound of many hooves is heard.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darcon and his men ride.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle listen. A cup on the table shakes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darcon and his men ride.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle listen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darcon and his men ride into the village and Talia steps out.

DARCON
Hi Honey. I'm home.

TALIA
This isn't your home Darcon. Not anymore.

DARCON
Well we'll have to see about that, won't we boys?

The men laugh and ride into the town.

EXTRA
Come on! Hah!

EXTRA
Get on horse! Come on!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena runs off.

XENA
Come on Gabrielle!

Gabrielle follows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darcon dismounts and sends his horse off. He faces Talia. Villagers watch from the tavern. Xena watches from the alley. Darcon pulls back his coat to reveal a dagger. Talia does the same. They stare at each other, hands posed over their weapons. Talia draws her dagger and throws. Darcon draws and throws his. They both dodge. Talia draws her sword and Darcon his. They fight. Xena watches. A man gets on the roof with a crossbow. Xena throws her chakram and knocks him down. Xena catches her chakram. Talia and Darcon fight.

TALIA
Yah! Yah!

Xena runs off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle comes up behind two men with crossbows.

GABRIELLE
Hey guys.

EXTRA
Huh?

Gabrielle shrugs. They draw swords and attack her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talia and Darcon fight. A man holds up his crossbow. Xena pulls him into the alley.

EXTRA
Whoa!

He fights Xena. Xena takes him down.

EXTRA
Hey!

Talia and Darcon fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle fights the two men.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talia and Darcon fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle is brought to her knees.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talia and Darcon fight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arman and Amarice enter and help Gabrielle. Gabrielle gets up. She sees a Gang Member moving to the stable with a burning stick. Amarice and Arman defeat the guys.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Gang Member holds the torch near a pile of straw.

GABRIELLE
Stop! Stop!

GANG MEMBER
What?! Ya got some little horsey friend?! A little
pony all trigged out in bows?!

GABRIELLE
Yeah. Please. Don't, please.

GANG MEMBER
Who's gonna stop me?

The horse comes crashing out of the stable, rears and kicks the Gang Member. He lands in a trough, which puts out the fire.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talia and Darcon fight. Xena runs over and watches. The fights continues. Xena moves her hand to chakram, ready to move if she needs to. Talia defeats Darcon and holds the sword at his throat.

DARCON
Go on! Finish it!

TALIA
I have. The rest is up to a judge.

Talia looks at Xena who smiles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stable. Arman enters. Amarice is packing.

ARMAN
So, uh, I guess this is goodbye.

AMARICE
No this is.

She kisses him.

ARMAN
Wow.

AMARICE
You should see my hellos.

She leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The horse stands with Gabrielle.

XENA
Well congratulations. Looks like we're a two-horse family.

GABRIELLE
Yeah. Family being the operative word.

XENA
Yeah, how about that, huh?

GABRIELLE
You know what I think? I think it's the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.

Xena pats her stomach.

XENA
Yup, for all of us.

They move out of the stable.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside. Gabrielle rides the horse out.

GABRIELLE
This way. Stand. Steady now.

Gabrielle mounts and laughs. The horse moves forward.

GABRIELLE
Whoa boy.

Gabrielle turns him to face Xena, who is atop Argo.

GABRIELLE
Come on Xena. Race you to Greece?

XENA
I don't know if you're ready for that.

GABRIELLE
You're chicken.

XENA
No, just being considerate. We race to Greece
and you won't be able to walk straight for a month.

They ride off.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Jennifer Sky as Amarice
Mfundo Morrison as Arman
Alison Bruce as Talia
David Te Rare as Darcon
Michael Howell as Deputy
John Smith as Stablehand
Norman Potts as Gang Member
Ric Chan as Healer
John Lawler as Barkeeper

Written by: Chris Manheim
Directed by: Rick Jacobson

Disclaimer: Although The Rabbit Died, No other animals were harmed during the production of this motion picture.