Kindred Spirits


TEASER

River and mountains.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyane and Amazon bathe in a river.

EXTRA
The mud is wonderful under the falls!

Rhea splashes Cyane.

CYANE
Rhea! Watch what you're doing! You're not a child!
You're an Amazon!

RHEA
Sorry Cyane.

CYANE
You too Eris.

ERIS
Not me! Xena says it's good to have a balance
of work and play.

RHEA
And who wouldn't wanna play, when you've
got a cute little baby like Eve around? Ah-h, what
a doll! Xena's so lucky!

Someone moves through the bushes near the river.

ERIS
If you ask me, Gabrielle's the lucky one, having
Xena for a best friend.

CYANE
Well, I wouldn't go getting too attached, they'll
probably be moving on any day now.

ERIS
Well I wouldn't be too sure.

CYANE
What do you mean?

ERIS
I asked Gabrielle to stay and be our permanent queen.

RHEA
You did?!

EXTRA
Splash her!

RHEA
That's great!

EXTRA
Come on, splash her.

RHEA
Then Xena and Eve will stay too!

CYANE
You had no right to speak for the tribe Eris.

ERIS
Why not?! Everyone loves them! Who wouldn't
want them to stay?!

CYANE
What'd she say?

ERIS
She didn't say yes yet, but she did say she'd
think about it so, keep your fingers crossed.

RHEA
Whoo-hoo!

The person in the bushes moves closer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena makes a swing. She holds it up and stretches it.

GABRIELLE
Don't shoot!

Gabrielle enters with Eve. She is dressed in skins and wears a headdress.

GABRIELLE
Lady with a baby.

XENA
It's for the baby, Goober. It's a swing. Here,
put her in it.

Gabrielle does.

GABRIELLE
Here you go. Easy now. Aren't you a lucky girl?

XENA
There you go Eve.

Xena pushes the swing.

GABRIELLE
She likes it.

XENA
But of course.

GABRIELLE
I always knew it was gonna happen. You're nesting.

XENA
Nesting? 'Cause I built a swing?

GABRIELLE
Xena it's perfectly natural. You're a mother. Actually
I feel the same way.

XENA
What way is that?

GABRIELLE
Have you ever thought about settling down? Here?

XENA
Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff?

GABRIELLE
No I mean right now. Xena it's a beautiful place.
You could raise Eve here.

XENA
What are you talking about?

GABRIELLE
These kids need someone. They need guidance.
They need me.

XENA
Gabrielle are you saying that you wanna stay here
and be queen?

GABRIELLE
Well only if you and Eve would stay. I think you
should consider it. (to Eve) You wanna stay don't
you? Don't you?

Eve swings. Xena looks at Gabrielle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The person moves closer to the river. A stick breaks.

CYANE
Amazons! An intruder!

EXTRA
Flank the pond!

EXTRA
I'll get him!

The Amazon run to the bushes and start attacking the intruder.

EXTRA
He's got something in his hand! It's too small
to be a weapon!

They attack the intruder.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle push Eve on the swing. She coos.

GABRIELLE
It makes sense, Xena. We've never really had our
own home. So I see this place as our domestic
bliss. All we have to do is fix it up a little bit.

XENA
It wouldn't hurt to consider it.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

The Amazons enter with the intruder, who wears a sack over his head.

CYANE
Queen Gabrielle, we bring you a man who has
violated a sacred Amazon law.

ERIS
She means he was peeking at us from the bushes
while we were bathing.

CYANE
This is a terrible offense against our honor. Queen
Gabrielle, the offender must face the wrath of
Amazon justice.

They shove him to his knees and take off the sack. It's Joxer.

JOXER
Xena, Gab. O--kay, it was an accident. Why would
I wanna look at naked girls?

Joxer gulps.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Joxer is on his knees.

CYANE
For looking at naked Amazons, he has broken an
Amazon law. He will have to suffer the consequences.

JOXER
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm friends with--with
Xena. She's right there. (to Xena) Go on. Tell 'em.
Tell 'em.

Xena moves over to Joxer like she doesn't know him. She bends down next to his ear.

XENA
(to Joxer) Did you bring the letter from Cleopatra
like I asked?

JOXER
Oh, that. Uh, I--I forgot again.

Xena hits him on the head.

JOXER
Ow!

Rhea sees Eve in the swing.

RHEA
(to Eve) Hello. Hey cutey.

Eve waves.

RHEA
Ah-h-h-h-h.

Xena rises and looks at the Amazons.

XENA
Never saw this man before in my life.

GABRIELLE
Do you deny spying on these women?

JOXER
I resent that.

GABRIELLE
Do you deny it?

JOXER
No I just resent it.

CYANE
Put him in the stocks to await the queen's
judgment. Go!

Joxer is taken away.

JOXER
Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

XENA
You know I counted on him and he let me down.

GABRIELLE
If we build a porch-

XENA
Hmm.

GABRIELLE
-just around this side, we could lay out there
with Eve.

They move to look at the house.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is in stocks.

JOXER
Oh-h-h-h-h. Oh, my spine. My spi-ow! Ow!

Joxer sighs. Three Amazon enter.

JOXER
Oh.

He chuckles.

JOXER
Cute kids.

EXTRAS
Pervert! Loser! Fat creep! Pervert! Loser! Fat creep!
Pervert! Loser! Fat creep!

They run off.

JOXER
I'm not fat! I'm not fat! You little monsters!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena sharpens her sword. Eve is on a blanket. Rhea enters and kneels down before Eve.

RHEA
Hello! I brought something for you.

Rhea hands Eve a doll.

EXTRA
Now wait for me there, I'll be right there.

Eve takes the doll.

RHEA
You're so lucky to have a mommy like Xena. I never
knew my parents. You know? If I had a daughter,
I'd love her just as much as your mommy loves
you. Of course, first, I've gotta get close to a
man, which isn't easy when you're an Amazon.

EXTRA
You asked me yesterday and I knew yesterday.
I don't know where it is today!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is the stocks. Amazons walk past him, ignoring him.

JOXER
Hi! Hello! Can you help me please? Can you?
Okay. Hi. Can you-hello. Please! Can you help me?!

Eris walks over to him.

ERIS
Hey, fat pervert, what do you want?

JOXER
Listen, I need to go.

ERIS
Forget it.

She turns to leave.

JOXER
No wait!

She stops.

JOXER
W--w--wait. I didn't, explain myself. I need, to use,
the little warriors' room. Look, you can either, take
me to those bushes over there, or, help me by
droppin' my pants right here.

She hits him.

JOXER
Ow!

She turns to leave.

JOXER
Hey! Wait!

She stops.

JOXER
Look, can you please just get Xena?

ERIS
Xena is busy, and so am I.

JOXER
Look, just tell Xena I'm here and she'll come.

ERIS
Xena says she never saw you in her entire life.

JOXER
Sweetie, I am Joxer the Mighty. I'm Xena's, best pal.

ERIS
If you know Xena so well then, tell me about her.
What's her favorite weapon? What does she like to-

JOXER
I--I--I--I--I--I, have a situation, here!

ERIS
Fine. You help me and I'll help you.

JOXER
Okay. Fine. Fine, whatever you wanna know.
Hm-m-m-m? Hm-m-m?

ERIS
Well, uh, for starters, uh, what does Xena look
for in a sidekick?

JOXER
Oh, oh, well um, um, lots of flips would be good,
and, um, a good war cry is uh, always tops on
her list.

He chuckles.

ERIS
Thanks Joxer.

JOXER
You're welcome. Now could you, listen if you could,
please help me with uh-

She walks off.

JOXER
You could just!

Joxer starts talking to the other Amazons who walk past him.

JOXER
Hello, could you-hi. Oh

Joxer crosses his legs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena, Gabrielle, Cyane, Rhea, Eris and several other Amazons are in a hut.

CYANE
I had a man before I joined the Amazons.

RHEA
It's tough for an Amazon to meet men.

ERIS
Well I'm a virgin and I'm gonna stay that way forever.

XENA
Forever's a long time.

Gabrielle coughs.

RHEA
What's it like? Being with a man?

XENA
The good news is it's different every time. The bad
news is it's different every time. You're always
hoping for Greek fire but sometimes you just
get diddly.

Xena whips herself lightly with leaves.

GABRIELLE
Xena has studied the subject more than I have
but I think she's trying to say that some people
are better lovers than others.

RHEA
What makes a man a good lover? Being gentle
and kind?

XENA
No.

GABRIELLE
Yes.

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other.

GABRIELLE
It's a complicated subject.

XENA
You'll figure out what suits you best as you get older.

RHEA
But how can I? Every time we see a man, they
want to kill us. How can we meet nice guys, even
not-so-nice guys? It seems like a lost cause.

ERIS
You don't need a man unless you want a baby,
and we've got Eve to play with.

RHEA
Not for long. They're taking Eve with them when
they go.

GABRIELLE
Actually we're considering settling down here.

ERIS
You mean you might stay?

Xena looks at Gabrielle.

ERIS
Great! We have to start making preparations! We
need a formal coronation for our new queen!

XENA
Actually I think we're moving a little fast here.

GABRIELLE
Right. We're only considering, staying.

Xena gives Gabrielle a look.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is in the stocks. He sees Rhea, who is wearing a skin coat.

JOXER
Oh. Hi! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! I--I
didn't mean to look at you! I don't even like looking
at naked girls! I don't! Can you please get Xena?
I've been in here a really long time. I'm so sorry.

Rhea takes off the coat. She is wearing a skin top and a skin skirt.

JOXER
Oh. Heh-heh. Hello, heh-heh, name's Joxer,
spelled uh-

He clears his throat.

JOXER
J-O-X-E-rrrrrrrr. Know what I mean?

Rhea leaves.

JOXER
Uh, I'm a warrior. I've killed a lot of people. That
turn you on? Killing people?

Joxer looks after her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dawn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle's house.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle sleep. The ram's horn is blown. Xena sits up.

XENA
What was that?

GABRIELLE
Was that you?

Xena looks at her with a look and shakes her head. The ram's horn blows again. Xena chuckles.

GABRIELLE
That's the ram's horn.

The ram's horn blows again.

GABRIELLE
The Amazons use it to call the queen to the
ceremonies. I've been encouraging them to respect
their traditions.

The ram's horn blows again. Gabrielle covers her ears. Xena chuckles.

XENA
It's ridiculous.

GABRIELLE
I'm going.

Gabrielle sighs.

XENA
You know what Gabrielle? I don't know that this
is gonna work. Look what am I supposed to do
around here all day while you're off 'queening'?

GABRIELLE
Relax.

XENA
Yeah that's me.

GABRIELLE
You could try cleaning this place up a bit, playing
with your daughter, unless you just want to hunt
and kill something.

XENA
Yeah, I might just do that.

The ram's horn blows again.

GABRIELLE
I'm going.

Gabrielle leaves. Eve coos. Xena moves over to her.

XENA
All right Evie. Come on.

She picks her up.

XENA
Morning.

The ram's horn blows again.

XENA
You know I could listen to that for days.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena steps outside.

XENA
Oh-h-h-h, that's better, huh? Oh Evie, you know
what? One day all of this will be yours.

Xena puts her in the swing and pushes it.

XENA
Mind you, here you're safe from the Greek gods,
Gabrielle's happy, place is loaded with baby
sitters. Could work, hm-m.

Xena hears someone in the bushes. She moves over and pulls out Eris.

XENA
What are you doing sneaking around here?!

ERIS
I thought that if I could sneak up on you I could
prove to you that I could be your new sidekick.

Xena sighs.

ERIS
I know I can do it. I mean I can fight!

She punches the air.

ERIS
I can jump!

She jumps and kicks.

ERIS
Uh! Ya! And I can do thirty of these things!

She starts to do push-ups. Eris stands and faces Xena.

XENA
But can you clean?

ERIS
Huh?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyane leads Joxer to a cave. He is still in the stocks.

CYANE
Come on pervert!

JOXER
Ow. Okay I'm comin'. I'm comin'. Okay. Hold on.
I don't think I can fit.

The stocks don't go in the cave and Joxer is slammed into the wall.

JOXER
Ow!

He's turned and brought it, followed by several Amazons.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Gabrielle is sleeping in her chair.

JOXER
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w.

CYANE
Queen Gabrielle!

Gabrielle wakes up.

GABRIELLE
Not tonight.

Gabrielle looks to see the Amazons. She sighs and stands.

GABRIELLE
(to Joxer) For spying on naked Amazons, I sentence
you to one day in that block.

The Amazons whisper.

EXTRA
Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Counting time already served, you may be released
after lunch.

CYANE
You said yourself that it was important that we
respect tradition.

GABRIELLE
Tradition is important.

CYANE
You are ignoring what the ancient Amazon code
says about traditional punishment for spying on
Amazons while they bathe.

GABRIELLE
I wouldn't want to ignore the code. What is the
prescribed punishment?

Cyane opens a scroll and reads it.

CYANE
"If a male should look on an Amazon's natural
grace without her permission, he shall lose an eye."

JOXER
Wait a minute. I'm attached to my eyes, both of 'em.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Xena whittles.

XENA
Yep, whittlin' is fun.

Eve looks in a log to see the fire on the other side. She crawls into the log. Eris exits Xena and Gabrielle's home, holding a broom.

ERIS
It'll be perfect. A few hides of fresh kill hangin' by
the door, a big mushroom garden, a practice
dummy out back, a weapons rack by the fire-

Xena uses her whip to grab onto the log and turn it around.

ERIS
-cooking spit big enough to roast a whole side
of beef. What more could any Amazon want?

Eve crawls out of the log onto her blanket. Eris goes back inside.

XENA
Hm-m-m, if I was an Amazon. Aa-ah she's a little
overzealous Eve but, at least the place will be clean.
Oh-h-h-h-h.

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Xena.

XENA
Hm-m?

GABRIELLE
Joxer's going to be blinded.

XENA
Na-ah, that's just a myth. Guys don't really go
blind from doing that.

Xena bites on the stick she is whittling.

GABRIELLE
No under the law. The punishment for seeing
an Amazon naked is losing an eye.

Xena spits out a piece of wood.

GABRIELLE
As queen, I have to enforce that.

XENA
I see. That's a terrible problem.

GABRIELLE
You cleaned this place. Xena that's great. You're
really trying to make it work, aren't you? I can too.

XENA
Well um, look Joxer's had enough. Just let him
off the hook okay?

Gabrielle leaves.

GABRIELLE
I'm onto it.

Xena whittles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer tries to scratch his nose, but can't.

JOXER
Um, oh itch.

Joxer is hit in the head with some food.

JOXER
Hey! Which one of you brats threw that?!

The three Amazon girls taunt him.

EXTRAS
Pervert! Loser! Fat creep!

They run off.

JOXER
Why you little...hey! If I ever get out of these stocks
you're dead! You hear me?! Dead!

Rhea enters.

RHEA
Why'd you do it?

JOXER
Huh?

RHEA
Why'd you spy on us while we were bathing?

JOXER
Oh, uh, uh, well um. What are you kidding? How
could I not look?

RHEA
I noticed. You're the first man I've ever been near,
who wasn't trying to kill me, and the first to see
me undressed.

JOXER
Oh, listen um, I'm really, sorry about that. I know
I shouldn't 'a done it.

RHEA
And did you? I mean, was I pleasing?

JOXER
You're very, healthy. You know, for a girl. Heh-heh.
You know-

Rhea holds up a ladle and Joxer takes a drink.

RHEA
Would you wanna make a baby with me?

Joxer spits out the water.

JOXER
What?!

RHEA
Will you help?

JOXER
Wait a minute! You want me ta--ta--ta make a-

RHEA
Right. Will you?

JOXER
Of course not! Hey listen! We're not just machines,
you know, you can use to...besides, you know
uh, we can't just do it on command. We need
stuff like uh, cheap motel rooms and dirty pictures
and lingerie, stuff like that! We're not animals!

Rhea leaves.

JOXER
But I can get those things!

Joxer looks after her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyane sits on Gabrielle's throne. Rhea enters and sees Cyane.

RHEA
Gabrielle's ready for the queen's robes.

CYANE
Not in my opinion.

RHEA
Cyane look, I know you're disappointed. If Gabrielle
and Xena hadn't come along, these robes would
probably be yours.

CYANE
And they should be. I'm the one who took the
name of our ancient queen and I'm ready to follow
in her footsteps.

RHEA
And there's not a braver, more devoted sister in
the whole tribe. That's why I know you're gonna
do the right thing and support Gabrielle.

Cyane leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena steps outside with Eve, followed by an Amazon.

XENA
All right Eve. I want you to be a good girl, all right?

She kisses her.

XENA
I won't be very long.

Xena hands Eve to the Amazon who goes inside. Xena takes an arrow and some bows that are hanging outside the door.

XENA
Yeah.

Eris walks up with several Amazons.

ERIS
Xena, where are you going?

XENA
Hunting, alone.

ERIS
Wow then it's lucky we caught you.

XENA
Why?

ERIS
Well, we're in charge of staging the dance for
Gabrielle's coronation?

XENA
Congratulations.

ERIS
Thanks, but we were kinda hopin' that you'd be
in it too. After all you're her best friend and, until
I came along she was your closest, most loyal
companion? Right?

XENA
What did you say?

ERIS
Don't you wanna help make this the most special
day of her life?

XENA
Yes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is in the stocks.

JOXER
Uh! Eh!

He sighs.

JOXER
Uh! Oh! Oh!

Gabrielle flicks Joxer's nose.

JOXER
Ow! Hey! What was that for?!

GABRIELLE
For being a peeping Tom.

JOXER
Hey, it's not my fault if a bunch 'a half-naked
women are bathing, and I just happen to be
standing there watching them from the bushes
for a really long time.

EXTRA
No thank you!

Gabrielle holds Joxer's nose in one hand and then hits her hand, pulling his nose.

JOXER
Hey! Ow! Hey! When's this all gonna end?!

GABRIELLE
When I can figure out how to get you out of here.

JOXER
You're the queen. Why don't you pardon me?

GABRIELLE
It's not that easy. There are traditions at stake.

JOXER
(mocking) "It's not that easy. There are traditions
at stake." Well how 'bout the tradition of not having
your pal's eyes gouged out?

GABRIELLE
Don't be such a baby. Maybe there's a loophole
in the Amazon scroll. Don't go anywhere.

Gabrielle leaves.

JOXER
Don't, oh, f-f-f-f-f!

He sighs. The kids enter.

EXTRAS
Na-na-na-na-na-na! Na-na-na-na-na-na!

Joxer uses his foot to kick a piece of horse dung at his feet and it hits one of the Amazon girls in the face.

EXTRA
Ow!

JOXER
Ha! How do you like that?! Ha!

They throw more food at him and laugh.

JOXER
Ow!

They laugh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Amazons dance and Xena dances with them, half trying. Gabrielle enters and watches. She is wearing a more elaborate headpiece.

XENA
Look um, thanks but I've had enough.

EXTRA
You can't quit now.

XENA
Sorry.

ERIS
Hey, Xena's a lot older than us. She's probably
tired. Come on guys. Let's go practice at my place.

The Amazons leave. Xena moves to Gabrielle.

XENA
Hey, you make that yourself?

GABRIELLE
Xena I can make a difference with this tribe. You
do understand that don't you?

XENA
I do.

GABRIELLE
You don't.

XENA
No I don't.

EXTRA
No it's not to a boil just yet.

XENA
Look it's not that I haven't tried Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Tried? Xena I can dance better than that.

XENA
This is just not me, all right? This whole place,
the--the shared meals, communal bathing, group
laundry day. All this togetherness is making me
sick! I can hardly breathe.

GABRIELLE
You never intended to stay did you?

XENA
You know I think that maybe me and Eve should
go away for a while, up north where the salmon
are running, some good weather. Do some fishing.

GABRIELLE
That's probably a good idea.

XENA
It is.

GABRIELLE
You really think so don't you?

XENA
Yeah, I do. So I'll head back and get some things
together, then after the coronation Eve and I are
outta here.

Xena goes inside.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Gabrielle sits on her throne with a stack of scrolls.

GABRIELLE
Amazon law, if I can find it.

Gabrielle picks one up and reads it. She can hear several Amazons outside.

EXTRA
Look! There's Xena!

EXTRA
Hey Xena! Wait up! Could you teach us that yelling
thing you do?

EXTRA
And how does that chakram thing work?

Gabrielle smiles.

GABRIELLE
Hm-m.

Gabrielle goes back to reading.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer plays tic-tack-toe in the dirt.

JOXER
Hm-m-m-m, I wonder if-

GABRIELLE
(whispering) Joxer.

Gabrielle walks over to him.

GABRIELLE
I think I have something.

JOXER
What?

GABRIELLE
Okay, it says in the Amazon scrolls, that if an
accused man, pledges allegiance to the queen,
he may be pardoned for a first offense.

JOXER
Okay great. Well, whatever you do, do it quick.
Dinner tonight is spaghetti and eyeballs. Mine.

GABRIELLE
You're always over-reacting.

JOXER
Hey are you aware that girl Rhea wants to have
my baby?

GABRIELLE
And you're delusional. Joxer listen, next time you
see me you have to pledge your undying, eternal
allegiance to me.

JOXER
Hey, pledge this, 'deer.'

Gabrielle moves to grab Joxer's throat when an Amazon enters.

AMAZON
Queen Gabrielle, it's time for the full moon ceremony.

GABRIELLE
(sarcasticly) Hooray, for ceremonies.

She claps.

GABRIELLE
Great.

AMAZON
Let's go.

Gabrielle leaves with her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Amazons are in a cave. There's a hole in the ceiling, where the moon's light shines in. Cyane and another Amazon put mud on Gabrielle's arms. The other Amazons dance and sing.

GABRIELLE
No animals are going to be harmed in this ritual
are they? I mean, I'm not drinking blood or anything?

CYANE
Nothing like that.

GABRIELLE
Good.

CYANE
Now, we take off your clothes.

GABRIELLE
Excuse me?

CYANE
We can't cover the rest of your body while you're
still wearing clothes.

GABRIELLE
I don't think I'm familiar with this ritual.

CYANE
As queen, you must pay tribute to the full moon.

GABRIELLE
In mud?

CYANE
You must show the glory of your form to Sister
Moon so that she will smile on you. It will bring us
great good fortune. It's an important Amazon tradition.

GABRIELLE
Ri-i-i-i-ight. Well then for tradition's sake. What's next?

CYANE
Sister Wolf must talk to the moon.

The other Amazon puts mud on Gabrielle's leg.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The moon. A wolf howls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is asleep in the stocks. Gabrielle howls with the wolf.

JOXER
Hm-m, what was that?!

Gabrielle howls.

JOXER
Hello?!

Gabrielle howls.

JOXER
I'm sorry!

Joxer is worried.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cave. The Amazons dance and Gabrielle howls. She is covered in mud.

GABRIELLE
How long does Sister Wolf howl at Sister Moon?

CYANE
'Til Sister Sun chases Sister Moon away.

GABRIELLE
What?!

CYANE
The tradition.

GABRIELLE
All right. All right.

Gabrielle howls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The moon. Gabrielle howls.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sun. A roster crows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena walks with Eve and Argo, humming. Eris flips in, giving a battle cry. She crashes into the house.

XENA
Hate it when that happens.

ERIS
I have to, work out a few kinks but ya gotta admit
those were pretty cool flips.

XENA
Yeah they were pretty cool.

ERIS
What about the war cry?

XENA
It kind of sounded like a yak in labor.

ERIS
Well I can work on it. Xena, now that you and are
Gabrielle broken up, you definitely need a new
traveling partner.

XENA
No, no hang on, see Gabrielle and I have only
separated for a couple of weeks just so we can
work things out. So, I'm gonna get a few things
together. Can you look after Eve?

ERIS
Oh yeah.

XENA
There you go.

Xena hands Eve to Eris.

ERIS
Sure.

XENA
Won't be long.

ERIS
(to Eve) Hi.

Xena goes inside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is in the stocks. Gabrielle walks by with several Amazons.

GABRIELLE
(to Joxer) Now.

JOXER
Oh! Queen Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Yes?

JOXER
Hearken unto me! I have done wrong! I pledge
my eternal allegiance to you!

EXTRA
Beautiful, I have fresh apples.

GABRIELLE
Then I guess you won't mind if I do this.

Gabrielle slaps him.

JOXER
Ow!

GABRIELLE
Or this?

Pokes his eyes.

JOXER
Ow!

GABRIELLE
Or this?

Pinches his nose.

JOXER
Ow-ow-ow-ow! Ow! No! Thank you my queen.

GABRIELLE
I'll take it into consideration.

Gabrielle leaves with the Amazons.

JOXER
Hello. Oh, hel-lo. Heh-heh-heh.

Rhea stops in front of him.

JOXER
Hi there. Remember me? Joxer's the name.
J-O-X-E-R, the 'X' is for, "Extra, super sexy."

Rhea draws her dagger and Joxer closes his eyes.

JOXER
Oh-oh. Okay please. Okay please, don't cut 'em.
I--I need 'em both.

Rhea starts to cut him free.

JOXER
Oh. Oh boy!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena sighs as she steps outside.

ERIS
I took the liberty of packing some of my stuff for
the trip.

XENA
The trip?

ERIS
If you only want me for a couple of weeks I can
live with that. It'll be a great experience, and who
knows what'll develop.

XENA
Eris, I'm not looking for a sidekick, temporary
or otherwise. I'm sorry. Come here. Come on Evie.

Xena takes Eve.

ERIS
I took out some of those scrolls over there to make
room for some of my stuff. I didn't know what you
wanted to do with them. I think they belong to Gabrielle.

XENA
Okay, thanks. I'll get 'em.

Xena takes the scrolls and goes inside. Eris unpacks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena walks to a table with Eve in one hand and Gabrielle's scrolls in the other.

XENA
You wanna hear a story, hm-m? Let's have a look.
Hey, 'The Return of Callisto.' This'll be a good one.
(reading) "I sing, of the wrath of Callisto, the pain
of Gabrielle and the courage of Xena, and the
inevitable mystery of a friendship as immortal
as the gods."

Xena reads.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rhea leads Joxer into a room. He's still in the stocks.

JOXER
Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ooh! Ow!

She drops him onto some sacks.

RHEA
So, how do we start?

JOXER
Oh. Oh. Uh-oh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

She moves to kiss him but he turns his head.

RHEA
What? You don't find me attractive?

JOXER
No. You're, you know you're, very attractive. I just
don't think this is gonna work. Look, you're a pagan.
I'm a Zoro-astrian. How will we raise our kids?

RHEA
Just, tell me what to do and we'll see how it goes.
So, how do we start?

JOXER
Uh, w-j-well, first would be a kiss.

RHEA
On the lips?

JOXER
Good place to start.

She kisses him.

RHEA
How was that?

JOXER
Pathetic actually, but just remember these words:

He clears his throat.

JOXER
"Practice, practice, practice."

She kisses him.

RHEA
So what do you think?

JOXER
Better. Better.

She kisses him.

CYANE (voice-over)
It's time to-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cave. Cyane and several Amazons are before Gabrielle.

CYANE
-punish the blasphemer.

GABRIELLE
Before we do that, there's something I wanna
point out.

She sighs.

GABRIELLE
He pledged his allegiance to me. It says here-

CYANE
You're gonna pardon him.

GABRIELLE
Yes. The code says I can forgive a first offense.
I choose to do that.

CYANE
Very well. I'll release him.

Cyane leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rhea kisses Joxer.

JOXER
Oh look, look, this is not right.

RHEA
It's not working?

Sound of a 'dong.'

JOXER
No it's, definitely working. Look, you're a young
kid tryin' to find answers too fast. You need to find
somebody your own age. I can't take advantage
of you this way.

RHEA
Oh how sweet.

She kisses him.

JOXER
No, no!

She kisses him.

JOXER
Look, we've got to stop this!

Rhea growls and kisses him.

JOXER
By tomorrow.

Rhea kisses him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyane moves to where Joxer should be. She sees the cut rope and drag marks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rhea kisses Joxer. Cyane enters.

CYANE
Rhea! What are you doing?!

RHEA
It's called kissing. Wanna try it?

CYANE
Stop it! Both of you, come with me!

Cyane picks up Rhea and Rhea leads Joxer along.

JOXER
Oh okay.

The door closes and Joxer runs into it. He falls down.

JOXER
Okay right in the, oh here I come. Uh, just, give
me a sec. Almost have it. There. Okay Honey.

Joxer is trying to get up while Rhea pulls the rope.

JOXER
One second. Oh okay. O--kay.

Joxer once more runs into the door as it closes.

JOXER
Okay. I'm okay, just a little more, hello.

He yells as he's pulled outside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle dusts her throne. Eris enters with two other Amazons.

GABRIELLE
Is this another ceremony I don't know about?

Cyane enters with Rhea and Joxer.

CYANE
This time he has broken the most sacred law of
the Amazons. He was kissing Rhea out of season.
And who knows what else?

GABRIELLE
Is this true Rhea?

RHEA
Yes but it was all my fault.

CYANE
And for that you'll be banished. But we can't show
mercy to him. It's not his first crime so you aren't
allowed to pardon him. Our traditions are clear.
His crime requires him to accept the royal challenge.

JOXER
The royal challenge? What's that?

CYANE
A fight to the death with the Queen of the Amazons.

JOXER
Oh is that all?

He looks at Gabrielle in shock.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Gabrielle is in the sweat lodge.

GABRIELLE
Think Gabrielle. Think.

She sighs.

GABRIELLE
There's gotta be a way out of this.

Xena enters, but Gabrielle doesn't see her.

GABRIELLE
What made me think I could be a good queen?

XENA
Your heart.

GABRIELLE
Did you pack?

XENA
Yeah, almost done. Listen Eris found some of
your scrolls in my saddle bag.

GABRIELLE
I must have left them there at the last camp. You
can leave them in the hut Xena.

XENA
That's just it. I can't. I read 'em.

GABRIELLE
You read my scrolls?

XENA
I always said I would.

GABRIELLE
I didn't think that...well?

XENA
I think that anyone who writes like you can...who
can find grace and meaning in everything that
happens, she's sure to make a wonderful queen.
And that's worth sticking around to see.

Gabrielle smiles and laughs.

XENA
So what's this I hear about a royal challenge
between you and Joxer?

GABRIELLE
Joxer was caught kissing Rhea. I have to fight him
to the death. It's Amazon law Xena. There's no
other way.

XENA
They're certain to want a good show.

GABRIELLE
They're not kidding.

XENA
Don't worry. You won't have to kill him.

GABRIELLE
Why not?

XENA
'Cause I will.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer and Rhea are in the stocks.

JOXER
Xena's got som'in' cookin'. I know it. Look, she's
not gonna let me get killed over a kiss and she's
not gonna let you be banished, either.

RHEA
I'm sorry Joxer. None of this would have happened
if I hadn't wanted a baby so much.

JOXER
What's the big rush?

RHEA
I've never felt as strong as I do when I hold Eve.
It's like, I could take on anyone, do anything, for
someone so helpless and sweet. But having my
own baby seemed impossible, 'til you came along.

JOXER
Oh, I get it. I was a sexual object, used and then
tossed away. A bologna pony, a disposable stud.
All right!

He chuckles.

JOXER
Uh, look, you're young. You have plenty of time to
have children, and--and, you'll feel just as strong.

RHEA
Thanks Joxer, but I doubt if I'll ever find out.

EXTRA
Time to die pervert!

Several Amazons move over to them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cavern. The Amazons are gathered.

CYANE
Remember our heritage sisters. Our customs
are steeped in traditions passed down from as
far back as the great Cyane herself. To dishonour
them, is to shame us all.

GABRIELLE
Cyane is right. Sometimes the old ways are best.
In keeping with tradition, I'm invoking the age-old
provision, allowing the queen's champion to fight
in her place.

CYANE
But that rule only applies if the queen's ill or injured.

GABRIELLE
It's at the queen's discretion. Therefore, I bestow
my right to fight upon my appointed champion. Xena!

Xena enters.

JOXER
(to Rhea) See? Told ya she'd have a plan.

RHEA
Yeah, she plans to kill you.

XENA
Before we begin, I'd like a rundown on the rules.

Cyane sighs.

CYANE
In a fight to the death there's only one rule.
Someone must die.

XENA
Sounds simple enough.

GABRIELLE
Is everybody ready? Let the fight begin!

The Amazons cheer. "We Will Rock You" starts to play (without words). Joxer is untied.

JOXER
Oh. Oh.

Joxer is thrown into the ring.

JOXER
No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

EXTRA
Xena!

Xena enters the ring.

EXTRA
Xena!

XENA
I am Xena! The ultimate woman! Versus Joxer,
the ultimate meatball! And I will cr-r-r-r-rush his
head like a peanut, between the thighs of
do-o-o-o-o-o-o-oom!

The Amazons cheer.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Oh! Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

JOXER
Oh!

He clears his throat.

JOXER
Yeah, many call her, "Xena, the champ!"

XENA
That's right!

JOXER
But I call her "Xena, the chump!"

EXTRAS
Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o!

XENA
Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o!

GABRIELLE
Come on girl!

JOXER
In round one, I will mash one, I will mash her
between the jaws of death! In, round two, I will
crush her, in the ultimate ho-o-o-old! In round three-

The music stops.

EXTRA
Kill the loser!

JOXER
There is no round three! Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

XENA
Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

The Amazons cheer.

JOXER and XENA
Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

XENA
Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

JOXER
Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Bell rings.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Joxer runs at Xena and she knocks him down.

JOXER
Oo-o-oh!

EXTRA
Yeah!

Xena beats on Joxer.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

JOXER
No!

XENA
Oh! No you don't! Now! I will penetrate his br-r-r-rain,
with the gr-r-reat, wet, willy!

JOXER
No! Not the wet willy! No!

Xena gives Joxer a wet willy. The Amazons cheer.

JOXER
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!

Xena throws Joxer at the ropes.

JOXER
Ah-h-h!

Joxer bounces back at Xena and she hops over him. Xena laughs.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h! Ah-h!

Joxer bounces into the other side and then back at Xena. She kicks him away. Xena laughs and roars. Joxer grabs her arm and pulls it behind her back. He grabs Xena by the throat and laughs. He throws Xena into the ropes and starts to crush her neck between two of them. Xena winks at Gabrielle and pretends it hurts. Xena kicks Joxer in the butt, knocking him out of the ring. Gabrielle mouths, "Oooh." Xena pulls Joxer up so he straddles the ropes and then starts to push them up and down.

JOXER
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Xena drops Joxer to the ground in the ring. She sticks out her tongue and "Rahs" around the ring. The Amazons cheer. Joxer stands.

JOXER
Doggone it!

Joxer punches Xena in the face a few times.

JOXER
Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Xena sneers at him and kicks him in the chest. Xena jumps on him, throwing her legs around his head. She flips him with her legs.

EXTRA
Death to the pervert!

JOXER
Not the pinch!

Xena puts The Pinch on Joxer.

XENA
What constitutes death? For instance, I just shut
off the flow of blood to his brain!

CYANE
He's still moving.

XENA
Quite right. We'll soon fix that.

Xena uses her knuckle and hits Joxer in the chest. He stops moving, but gasps loudly.

XENA
How's that?

Eris raises her hand.

ERIS
I can still see him breathing.

Xena grabs his nose and hits it. Joxer stops breathing. Cyane puts her hand on his chest.

CYANE
His heart's still beating.

Xena purrs and then pinches Joxer's nipples. He doesn't move.

CYANE
His heart's stopped. The man's dead. Our laws
have been upheld.

The Amazons cheer.

EXTRA
The pervert is dead!

XENA
Now step back Sweetie.

Xena undoes everything she did to Joxer and he coughs. Xena helps him up.

CYANE
You tricked us!

XENA
You pronounced him dead yourself. Nothing says
he has to stay dead.

CYANE
But our laws say-

GABRIELLE
Should be changed. When they make someone
die for a kiss.

RHEA
Or get banished.

ERIS
Or get an eye gouged out, for getting an eyeful of us.

CYANE
All I wanted was to keep us strong, keep our
heritage alive. I thought that's what we needed,
what you wanted. (sighs) My apologies to you
and the tribe, and I humbly ask for your permission
to leave it.

GABRIELLE
Permission denied. You love this tribe Cyane.
They need you, especially since I'll be leaving.
(to Xena) With Xena?

Xena smiles.

ERIS
Guess you won't be needing a new sidekick after all.

XENA
I'm afraid not.

Joxer falls down.

XENA
Every time you turn his brain off.

Xena leans down to help him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night. Xena and Gabrielle lie on a blanket, Eve between them. Joxer is asleep. Xena plays with Eve with the doll Rhea gave her.

XENA
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Who dat? Who
dat down dere?

GABRIELLE
I bet they make Cyane queen at the next full moon.

XENA
You all right with that?

GABRIELLE
Do you mean will I miss, being caked in mud
howling at the moon?

XENA
Well will ya?

GABRIELLE
(laughing) No. Hm-m, I think she'll do, she'll do
pretty well, now that she's loosened up a bit.

XENA
Yeah but she won't be as good as you.

GABRIELLE
Well she'll look better in those antlers.

XENA
And mud.

GABRIELLE
Where are we going next?

XENA
Well I had in mind, a cruise down the Nile.

GABRIELLE
Really? Camel racing in Alexandria?

XENA
I know someone we can stay with.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Shelley Edwards as Cyane
Morgan Reese Fairhead as Eris
Joy van Uden as Rhea
Charlotte Corner as Young Amazon
Joy Ramirez as Amazon

Written by: George Strayton and Tom Oneill
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: Many Cinnamon Swirls lost their lives in the making of Gabrielle's Headdress.