Little Problems


TEASER

Aphrodite's temple. Galantis and the warriors steal the jewels.

GALANTIS
Get it all boys! It's not everyday you penetrate
Aphrodite's sanctum! Now this is what I call a
treasure chest!

He laughs.

GALANTIS
Who says crime doesn't pay, eh, boys?!

The men laugh. Xena and Gabrielle enter.

XENA
We do.

Xena uses her chakram to knock all the jewels out of their hands.

GALANTIS
Ah-h-h!

XENA
Come on. Come on.

Xena fights them. Xena gives a yell and flips. Gabrielle joins in the fight.

EXTRA
I got her!

Galantis climbs up a rope.

XENA
Down boy. Come on. Ha-ha.

Xena shakes the rope and he falls. Gabrielle handles all the warriors herself.

EXTRA
Ow!

Gabrielle wins and Xena grabs Galantis.

XENA
Well now, I do believe that's Tharon's brand, huh?
Well you give him a little message from Xena.

Xena yanks Galantis' ear.

GALANTIS
Ow-w-w-w-w-w!

XENA
You tell him to stop looting or I'll finish off what
I started.

EXTRA
She got me right in the jewels! That hurt!

The warriors leave, followed by Galantis.

GABRIELLE
Who's Tharon?

XENA
Someone I thought was dead.

APHRODITE (voice-over)
Couldn't happen to a better guy.

Aphrodite appears.

APHRODITE
Imagine, sending thugs to rob my sacred tribute.

XENA
A diamond necklace doesn't qualify as a religious
icon Aphrodite.

GABRIELLE
Don't tell me you're giving gifts to the poor.

APHRODITE
Oh, as if they could accessorize with this? No I'm
doing something much more lucra...I mean useful.
Come see.

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

She walks deeper into the temple and they follow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere in the temple. There are beds with the sick and the ill.

XENA
What's going on here?

APHRODITE
Kindness, charity, compassion, not to mention
a twenty percent increase in my offerings since
I let these poor unfortunates crash here while the
sisters try and heal them.

GABRIELLE
I can't believe it, Aphrodite succoring the ill.

APHRODITE
I am not! These people give me things because
they're grateful!

Xena moves to Daphne's bed.

XENA
Who's this?

APHRODITE
That's Daphne. Pretty, isn't she? She's been like
that since she got here. The sisters don't have
very much hope. They say there's nothing they can
do. She's lost her will to live.

GABRIELLE
Where are her parents?

APHRODITE
They say her mother's dead...but her father comes
by every morning on his way to work at the docks.

XENA
He should be here. (to Daphne) Kid if I could trade
places with ya, give you a second chance, I'd do
it in a heartbeat.

APHRODITE
Okay, I'll do it.

Aphrodite hits Xena with a pink spell. Xena falls back against the wall.

GABRIELLE
Xena. Hey. (to Aphrodite) What did you do?!

APHRODITE
I can switch Daphne's life force with Xena's. Who
knows? Maybe it'll give her the strength she needs
to get better.

GABRIELLE
What about her baby?

APHRODITE
Oh, it'll be fine. It just stays in Xena's body and
gets plenty of rest.

Daphne opens her eyes and gets up.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

DAPHNE
Where am I?

GABRIELLE
Xena?

DAPHNE
Who are you? Where's my mommy?

GABRIELLE
It's okay. Daphne it's okay. We're your friends.

Xena takes control of Daphne's body.

XENA
Who are you calling Daphne? Gabrielle, it's me.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

XENA
Who else?

APHRODITE
Take a look.

Xena looks in the mirror to see her reflection. She gasps.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Temple. Xena looks in the mirror.

XENA
(from the mirror) What happened?!

Xena is still in control of Daphne's body. She looks at Aphrodite.

XENA
Aphrodite? What happened?

GABRIELLE
It's a good question.

APHRODITE
Oops! Guess I didn't complete the switch!

Daphne takes over her body. Xena remains an image in the mirror.

DAPHNE
I'm scared.

XENA
You're scared.

GABRIELLE
Daphne, I'm Gabrielle. This is...this is the goddess
Aphrodite. I think she's put Xena into your body
but it's only temporary because she's going to
switch it back. (to Aphrodite) Right?

APHRODITE
Right! Just as soon as I figure out how.

Aphrodite disappears. Sandor enters.

SANDOR
Daphne, you're awake.

Gabrielle moves to Xena's body.

DAPHNE
Yes Father. Where's Mother?

SANDOR
She's...well, come on, now. Let's get you home.
We'll talk there.

GABRIELLE
Wait. I have, um, I have a friend in your daughter.

Xena takes over.

XENA
Don't worry Gabrielle. I'll be fine. You just take
care of things here until you work out what's wrong.

GABRIELLE
Okay...'Daphne.'

SANDOR
Come on girl. Let's go.

Daphne gets control back.

DAPHNE
Coming Father.

They leave. Aphrodite appears.

APHRODITE
Boy, talk about failure to communicate.

GABRIELLE
Says the god who can't pull off a simple body switch?

APHRODITE
Oh, relax! I'll figure it out! I just need to think.

GABRIELLE
That's what I'm afraid of.

Aphrodite glares at her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tharon's castle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Tharon wears a metal mask over his face.

THARON
Xena? Here?

GALANTIS
She said if you keep looting, she'll finish what
she started.

THARON
Well let her try. I'm a lot tougher than when we
first tangled and a lot smarter too.

GALANTIS
You gonna take her?

THARON
Like candy from a baby.

GALANTIS
Yes.

THARON
I've waited ten years for the chance to do unto
Xena what she did to me.

He grabs Galantis.

THARON
Now you take your men and scour the town. A
woman like Xena won't be hard to find. Now go!

Galantis runs out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne enters her house.

DAPHNE
Mom. Where is she? You said you'd tell me when
we got home.

SANDOR
I know. It's just...

Daphne keeps looking.

DAPHNE
Mom? Mom? Where are you?

SANDOR
Daphne...your mother...she's dead.

DAPHNE
No, no. She can't be.

Daphne tires to pull away.

SANDOR
Daphne, stop it. Come on settle down now. You hear? Stop it!

Daphne runs into her room.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple. Gabrielle has wrapped Xena in a blanket and put her on a cot. Aphrodite looks at some scrolls.

APHRODITE
What about this one? Hensbane. A medicinal herb
used to separate man's mind from his powers.

GABRIELLE
No hensbane. Besides, we don't want to separate
minds. We need to separate two souls from
one body.

APHRODITE
O-oh! Makeover tips!

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite we don't have all day!

APHRODITE
Right. Tell me about it. If we don't get Xena out
of Daphne's body by sundown, she's trapped
there forever. Plus which I would miss the big
rave at the Gemini Club. Word is Castor and
Pollux themselves are gonna show up. And I
hear the band-

GABRIELLE
What did you say?

APHRODITE
The part about Xena being trapped forever?

GABRIELLE
No about Castor and Pollux. They're Zeus' twins, right?

APHRODITE
Hm-m-m-m-m.

GABRIELLE
Two souls trapped in one body.

APHRODITE
Mm-hmm, bingo. The original two-for-one boys.
I call 'em double trouble.

Gabrielle moves over to her.

GABRIELLE
Spare me the details. Didn't one of them create
an oil? An oil that can separate them in times
of battle?

APHRODITE
That would be Castor. Keeps it in a little pouch
around his belt just in case of emergencies!

GABRIELLE
Okay. We better find a safe place to hide Xena's
body. Give me a hand.

APHRODITE
Uh, and risk a law suit if I drop her? I don't think
so. Why don't I just like zap her with a...

GABRIELLE
Haven't you done enough? Look at her. Promise
me that you will not use your magic any more today.

Aphrodite holds up two fingers (scout's honour).

GABRIELLE
Thank you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne washes her face. She looks up into the mirror to see Xena.

DAPHNE
Oh. I forgot you were there.

XENA
No wonder. You've had a lot to deal with, huh?

DAPHNE
Yeah, my mother.

XENA
Daphne I know. I'm sorry. I know you must have
loved her very much.

DAPHNE
I did and now she's gone. I don't even know how
it happened.

XENA
You will. Listen it's gonna take your dad a little
while to find the words but he's gonna tell you.

DAPHNE
No he won't. You were there on the ride home.
You saw. We never talk. We never have.

XENA
Then maybe now is the time to start. For both of you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle pulls Xena along on a litter into a cave.

APHRODITE
Careful, careful! Easy, easy! Ooh! Watch the head!

GABRIELLE
Thanks, I couldn't have done it without you. Can
you help me get her up here? Please?

APHRODITE
Ah-h-h-h-h!

Aphrodite helps Gabrielle lift Xena.

APHRODITE
Uh-h-h-h!

GABRIELLE
Hurry up!

APHRODITE
Back off! I'm carrying for two here!

They set her on a stone and Aphrodite sighs. Gabrielle wraps the blanket tighter around Xena.

GABRIELLE
I'll just wrap around.

Galantis and his men enter.

GALANTIS
Don't bother! We'll take her as is.

The warriors laugh.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Cave.

GABRIELLE
If you goons think you're taking her anywhere,
then you're dumber than you look.

APHRODITE
Hmm! No news there. I mean how smart is it
to take a soulless body anyway?

GABRIELLE
(to Aphrodite) Smarter than babbling about it.

GALANTIS
"Soulless?" What does that mean?

GABRIELLE
(snickers) Gods, they're--they're so mysterious.

APHRODITE
Oh, yeah?! Well figure this one out!

Aphrodite disappears.

GABRIELLE
Testy too.

GALANTIS
Enough charades! We want Xena!

GABRIELLE
Then you're gonna have to come through me to
get her.

GALANTIS
Not a problem.

Gabrielle fights the warriors with a rope, using it like a whip.

GABRIELLE
Yah! Yah! Yah!

Galantis draws his sword. Gabrielle lights one end of the rope on fire and keeps fighting. The warriors start to run out.

GALANTIS
Wait!

EXTRA
The rope's burning!

GALANTIS
Wait! You!

EXTRA
But she whipped us good!

EXTRA
Wait for me!

Galantis follows them. Gabrielle moves to Xena.

GABRIELLE
I wish you could have seen that one.

Aphrodite is back.

APHRODITE
Whoo-Hoo! You go cowgirl! Yippee-ke-yi-yay!

GABRIELLE
(sarcastic) Thank you for your help, again.

APHRODITE
Oh, well these are new nails.

GABRIELLE
You think you can stay around long enough to
go to the Gemini Club?

APHRODITE
Does Medusa have bad hair days? I am so there!

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, I know I said no magic but can you
seal this cave? I don't want Tharon's men coming
back for Xena.

APHRODITE
Uh-huh, so now that you need it, it's okay to use
my powers. Aren't you afraid I'm gonna screw it up.

GABRIELLE
I'm willing to take that risk.

APHRODITE
All right. Let's go. I'm gonna seal this place up
as tight as a drum.

Gabrielle looks to Xena.

GABRIELLE
(whispering) I'll be back for you.

Aphrodite and Gabrielle leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Village.

EXTRA
One hundred!

EXTRA
One hundred forty!

SANDOR
Give me a bunch of greens and a couple of small turnips.

EXTRA
Mm-hmm.

XENA
Ps-s-s-st. Daphne, over here.

Daphne looks in a tray of water and Xena's reflection is there.

XENA
Go talk to your father. Go o-o-o-on. Now's as good
a time as ever.

DAPHNE
I can't. I don't know what to say.

SANDOR
About what?

DAPHNE
Nothing.

SANDOR
Oh.

Daphne runs to the flower stand.

EXTRA
Flowers, fresh flowers here. Daisies and roses.

Daphne smells the daisy. Xena appears in a bucket of water.

XENA
Very pretty, aren't they?

DAPHNE
They were my mother's favorite. She always said,
"A rose is the crown of your garden-

SANDOR
"But a daisy is its heart." You talking to yourself?

DAPHNE
Sort'a.

XENA
Go on Daphne, say something to him.

DAPHNE
I can't.

SANDOR
Can't what?

DAPHNE
I can't believe you know that. About the daisies, I mean.

SANDOR
They were Mother's favorite. Well come on now.
Can't eat flowers.

A horse rears.

EXTRA
Whoa boy! Whoa! Whoa!

EXTRA
Look out!

The horse runs off with the cart, racing through the village.

EXTRA
Whoa, whoa!

EXTRA
Stop it! Get out of the way.

EXTRA
Let's get out of here!

Xena takes over control of Daphne's body. She grabs a pie plate and throws it like her chakram. It breaks two poles and drops a clothesline.

EXTRA
Come back here! Stop!

Xena runs through the villagers. She ululates as she flips and lands on the horse. Galantis and the warriors watch. Daphne gets back control.

DAPHNE
Who-o-o-o-oa! Slow down! Come boy.

EXTRA
Thanks.

Daphne gets down.

SANDOR
Daphne! Daphne!

Daphne moves to Sandor. He didn't see any of it.

SANDOR
You all right?

DAPHNE
Yeah, I'm okay.

SANDOR
Come on, let's go.

They leave.

EXTRA
-her eggs.

EXTRA
Children should never-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Club. Gabrielle and Aphrodite push their way to the front.

GABRIELLE
Excuse me. Pardon me?

EXTRA
Oh!

Aphrodite and Gabrielle move to walk in, but the doorman pulls Aphrodite back.

DOORMAN
Whoa, hay! Where do you think you're going?

APHRODITE
Uh! Inside? Huh, honestly help these days!

DOORMAN
Names.

GABRIELLE
We're not on your list. We need-

APHRODITE
Clearly you don't know who I am.

EXTRA
Hi.

DOORMAN
I know who you're not and that's twins.

EXTRA
Hi.

A set of twins go in.

DOORMAN
Theme party. I don't see double? You don't get in.

APHRODITE
Oh, you're gonna see double, all right!

There's the sound of a hissing cat as Aphrodite raises her hands. Gabrielle grabs her hand and leads her away.

GABRIELLE
(softly) I have a plan.

Gabrielle and Aphrodite walk away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tharon's castle.

THARON
Are you insane?

GALANTIS
I'm tellin' you boss, it was her.

THARON
Xena...in the body of a child.

GALANTIS
It all fits. What that goddess said about the soul
less body. The way that little girl stopped those
horses! And that war cry! Eee! It's Xena all right.

EXTRA
Hm-hmm.

THARON
Well there's only one way to find out. Get the girl. Go.

Galantis and the warriors leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne and Sandor eat in silence. Daphne clears the table.

XENA (voice-over)
(whispering) Daphne.

DAPHNE
Go away.

Daphne picks up the basket with the bread. Xena appears on the knife.

XENA
Try again. Daphne, he's your father.

DAPHNE
So?

SANDOR
What?

DAPHNE
Nothing. (pause) There is something. About
Mother. How did she die?

SANDOR
It's no concern for a child.

DAPHNE
But I have to know what happened. She was
my mother.

SANDOR
And my wife, so leave it be. It's enough she's gone.
Do you have to keep reminding me?!

Daphne runs off, crying.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne runs out of the house.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandor sighs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite and Gabrielle walk to the club, dressed as Swedish twins. They wear a large sheet around the two of them to look like joined twins. They are each wearing white wigs and helmets with horns.

EXTRA
Whoa! Check them out!

EXTRA
Hello darlings!

DOORMAN
Haven't seen you girls here before.

Gabrielle and Aphrodite talk with Swedish accents.

GABRIELLE
We're new in town. I'm Bru-n-n-n-na! She's...

APHRODITE
Hilda?!

DOORMAN
You're twins.

APHRODITE and GABRIELLE
Ya-a-a-a-a-a!

APHRODITE
Identical.

DOORMAN
So how come you're taller than she is?

They turn to look at each other. Gabrielle's hat knocks Aphrodite's hat over Aphrodite's eyes. They ignore it.

APHRODITE
'Tis simple, I got the looks und...mine sister
got...m-m-m-m. M-m-m-m...

Gabrielle kicks her.

APHRODITE
Muscles!

GABRIELLE
Das good, ya-a-a-a-a?! We wrestle in oil. You
have such things ya?

DOORMAN
Oh yeah.

GABRIELLE
Ya.

DOORMAN
Just step inside and save me a match, will ya?

GABRIELLE and APHRODITE
Mm-m-m-m-m-m.

They go in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne runs, sobbing. She falls down and looks up to see her mother's grave.

DAPHNE
Mommy, why did you leave me? Please, I need
you. I want to be with you.

Galantis and the warriors enter.

GALANTIS
Trust me little girl.

He draws his sword.

GALANTIS
That can be arranged.

The warriors laugh.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Daphne looks at the men.

DAPHNE
I don't understand. Who are you?

GALANTIS
Nice try...Xena.

They laugh.

GALANTIS
You sure picked one helluva place to hide.

DAPHNE
Xena-

Xena is on a shield.

XENA
It's all right Daphne. I'm here. I need you to relax.
Give me total control of your body.

DAPHNE
Okay.

GALANTIS
An old friend of yours wants to say hello.

Xena takes over Daphne's body.

XENA
If you're talking about Tharon, you can tell him
I'm as interested in what he has to say as I am
in darning socks.

GALANTIS
You can tell him personally when you're kneelin'
at his feet.

XENA
Turn around now and save yourself the humiliation.

GALANTIS
Oo-o-o-o-o-o! For some reason you don't scare
me kid.

XENA
Really? Maybe this'll help.

Xena flips, ululating and beats up the warriors. Xena gives another yell and then puts her foot on Galantis' neck.

XENA
Next time, pick on someone your own size.

She leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Club. Female twins fight.

EXTRA
Take her down!

EXTRA
Yeah! Ride her like a Hydra! That-a-way!

Gabrielle and Aphrodite talk normal.

APHRODITE
Ooh! God! That's gotta hurt!

EXTRA
Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

APHRODITE
Ooh, there they are.

Castor and Pollux watch the fight.

CASTOR and POLLUX
Oo-o-o-oh. Ah-h-h-h-h.

EXTRA
Come on. Oh, yeah. That's it.

GABRIELLE
It's hanging below his belt.

APHRODITE
Yeah I noticed.

GABRIELLE
The oil, Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Right, I knew that.

CASTOR
Oo-o-o-oh. Oo-o-oh.

Aphrodite and Gabrielle move to Castor and Pollux.

CASTOR
If you're lookin' to double your pleasure, you've
come to the right place. He's Pollux.

POLLUX
He's Castor.

Gabrielle and Aphrodite use their accents again.

GABRIELLE
And I am Bruna. And this is my sister, Hilda.

APHRODITE
Just in from Valholla.

Castor speaks Scandinavian. It's translated with a caption: "How about a night of crazy sex back at our place?"

APHRODITE
(aside to Gabrielle) What'd he say?

GABRIELLE
(aside to Aphrodite) Just nod.

GABRIELLE and APHRODITE
Ya-a-a-a-a-a.

POLLUX and CASTOR
Ya, ya.

GABRIELLE
You speak our language with such ease.

CASTOR
My brother and I pride ourselves on being
cunning linguists.

POLLUX
Say...how 'bout we warm up with a little oil wrestling?

APHRODITE
You read our minds! Ya you bad boys. Time for
a spanking?

GABRIELLE
Ah, now Sister. We need to save some for the
imagination, ya.

CASTOR
Good point. Let us away ladies.

They move off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne enters the house, throwing punches. She gives a yell and enters her room. She looks in the mirror where Xena is.

DAPHNE
Wow! Did you see how high that guy went up in
the air? And the look on his face when I flipped
over him?

XENA
Don't have too much fun Daphne. Fighting should
always be a least resort.

DAPHNE
And hearing myself say all those things. I hope
I can stand up for myself like that someday.

XENA
Well, what makes you think you can't do it now?

DAPHNE
I just wish Father could have been there to see
it. He would have been so proud...even if it wasn't
really me.

XENA
I know it may be hard to see this Daphne but your
father loves you. And he is proud of you. He
just doesn't always know how to show it.

DAPHNE
Because he misses Mother?

XENA
Sure, that's a large part of it.

DAPHNE
I miss her too.

XENA
I know you do. And it may not seem fair but you're
gonna have to grow up a little faster than you thought.
It's just you and your dad now. You're gonna have
to learn to take care of each other.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tharon's castle.

THARON
Aw-w-w-w-w-w, are you tellin' me the little girl
did this to ya?

GALANTIS
Ah-h-h-h!

THARON
Wha'd she do? Club you with her lollipop?

GALANTIS
She may look like a child but she has Xena's skill.

Tharon throws him down.

THARON
No wonder. You have the reflexes of a pregnant
tortoise. Now get up. That leather-clad bitch took
half my face. And if I do nothing else in this lifetime,
I'll make her scream in agony for it!

GALANTIS
I'll need more men.

THARON
No you won't! We'll take away Xena's advantage
by luring her to us.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne cooks.

DAPHNE
A dash more salt.

XENA (voice-over)
Where'd you learn to cook?

DAPHNE
My mom taught me.

Xena's image is in the soup.

XENA
My mother's a great cook but it never rubbed off
on me.

Daphne giggles.

DAPHNE
What about your dad?

XENA
What about him?

DAPHNE
What's he like?

XENA
He's dead.

DAPHNE
Do you miss him?

XENA
I never really knew him. He wasn't a very good
man from all the stories I've heard but I guess I,
um...I guess I miss the idea of him.

DAPHNE
That makes us kind of the same Xena. We both
had bad luck.

XENA
Well I've never thought about it that way. I guess
I always felt lucky to have my mother, just like you're
lucky to have your father. And he is very lucky to
have you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Club.

ANNOUNCER (voice-over)
Now the main event! The grapple in the grease!
The toil in the oil! Lude-mania! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

APHRODITE
I feel like I've been basted!

GABRIELLE
We get the oil and we get out of here.

CASTOR
Ready to get slippery ladies?

POLLUX and CASTOR
Yah!

Gabrielle and Aphrodite fight Castor and Pollux. Gabrielle fights but Aphrodite plays.

GABRIELLE
Will you cut it out?!

APHRODITE
Sorry! Ooh, ja-a-a-a-a. Guten tag!

They wrestle.

GABRIELLE
Come on!

Gabrielle and Aphrodite push Castor and Pollux over. Aphrodite laughs.

CASTOR
Oh, I think I'm in love.

ANNOUNCER
Your winners are, Bruna and Hilda!

APHRODITE
Yay!

Aphrodite grabs Gabrielle's hidden hand and lifts it up, revealing they are not joined.

POLLUX
Hey, you're not twins!

Aphrodite drops her accent.

APHRODITE
We're not?! You lied to me?!

Aphrodite hits Gabrielle.

CASTOR
Hey, what happened to your accents?!

GABRIELLE
It--it--it comes and goes.

ANNOUNCER
What's going on here?!

Gabrielle stops talking with the accent.

GABRIELLE
All right. It's a shameless exploitation of the female
form. That's what. You should all be ashamed.

CASTOR
Huh?

Gabrielle grabs the oil.

CASTOR
Hey! She stole my oil!

GABRIELLE
That's our cue!

Gabrielle and Aphrodite run out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daphne fishes. Xena is in a pool of water.

XENA
Hey, nice cast.

DAPHNE
Thanks. I've seen my dad do it a million times.
I've never tried it myself. I wanna surprise him
with dinner.

Daphne looks out at the water and drops the fishing pole.

XENA
What's the matter? Daphne?

DAPHNE
I remember what happened. This place...I fell in.

Sandor runs in.

SANDOR
Daphne! Get away from the water!

He grabs her.

SANDOR
Never, never come to these rocks again by yourself.
Do you hear me?!

DAPHNE
I fell in and Mom dove in after me. She drowned
and it's my fault. It's my fault she died! It's my fault!
It's my fault!

Daphne runs off. Sandor looks out at the water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandor looks for Daphne.

SANDOR
Daphne! Daphne!

Galantis enters.

GALANTIS
Hey! So you're a fisherman, huh?! Well I hope
you won't mind if we use you as bait.

He punches him.

GALANTIS Get him.

They drag Sandor along.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Daphne lies on some grass.

XENA (voice-over)
Daphne listen to me. You couldn't be more wrong.
Your mother's death is not your fault. Listen to me,
please. What happened to her is a terrible, terrible
thing but even if she'd known she was going to
die, she would have done it anyway because she
loved you that much. Do you see?

DAPHNE
How do you know?!

XENA (voice-over)
Hey, I'm about to be a mother too. And if you were
my little girl I would trade my life for yours in a heartbeat.

DAPHNE
I wish my dad felt that way.

They can hear Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Daphne?!

Gabrielle and Aphrodite move to Daphne.

GABRIELLE
Daphne, are you okay?

DAPHNE
Yeah, I'll be okay.

GABRIELLE
I have to talk to Xena.

Xena takes over and stands up.

XENA
I'm here Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
We've been looking for you. We found this at
Daphne's house.

Gabrielle gives Xena a scroll.

GABRIELLE
Tharon wants you to give yourself up in exchange
for Daphne's father. We have to get you back in
your body.

XENA
There's no time. They're gonna kill him by sunset.

GABRIELLE
I know Xena but we have to get you back in your
body by then, or we may never.

XENA
Then we'll have to split up. Aphrodite, go get my
body. Meet us at the castle as soon as you can.

APHRODITE
No problem.

Aphrodite disappears.

XENA
I've got a feeling this one's gonna be close.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cell. Sandor in chained to the wall.

SANDOR
What's this about? Who are you people?

THARON
You're in no position to ask questions. But since
I see no reason not to tell you, we want your daughter.

SANDOR
My daughter.

THARON
Hm-m-m-m Let's just say she's not who she
appears to be.

SANDOR
I don't know what you think she's done but if you
so much as touch her I swear, I'll kill you!

Tharon grabs him.

THARON
Shut up! Now I understand how you feel. Therefore,
I won't ridicule your pathetic threats!

He throws him down.

THARON
If it makes you feel any better, this isn't personal.
You and your daughter will be casualties in a war
that began long ago.

Tharon leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle leads Daphne to the door. A Guard is pacing.

GABRIELLE
Hello! My little girl is selling junior Amazon cookies.

DAPHNE
Would you like to try a free sample?

GUARD
Don't mind if I do little girl.

Xena takes over and puts The Pinch on him.

XENA
I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. Tell
me where to find Galantis or you'll be dead in
thirty seconds. Am I making myself clear?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cell. Xena enters.

SANDOR
Daphne! Get out of here!

XENA
Not without you.

SANDOR
Who are these men? Why are they after you?

Xena breaks a finger off a skeleton.

XENA
They think I'm somebody else.

SANDOR
Where'd you learn to do that?

XENA
Uh, from a friend.

She picks the locks.

SANDOR
Thank the gods you're safe. If anything ever
happened to you I'd never forgive myself.

XENA (voice-over)
Daphne I'm going to let you take over now.

Daphne takes over. Xena's reflection is on a shield.

XENA
You and your father have got a few things to talk
about. Go on. You can do it.

SANDOR
Are you all right?

DAPHNE
I understand if you blame me for Mommy's death.

SANDOR
Oh, no sweetheart. That's why I wasn't by your
side when you woke up. I couldn't stand to face
you. If I'd just been with you that day I could have
saved you both.

DAPHNE
I've got this friend. And she told me we're lucky
to have each other, you and me...and I can see
now she's right. (hugs him) I don't blame you for
Mommy's death. Do you love me?

SANDOR
Of course I do. I'm so sorry you even have to ask.
But I promise, you will never have to again.

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
The coast is clear. Let's go.

Gabrielle goes back up the stairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group runs. Daphne is caught with a whip and a gate closes, separating Gabrielle and Sandor from her.

SANDOR
Daphne! Daphne!

Galantis laughs.

GALANTIS
Come here!

THARON
Hook, line and sinker.

DAPHNE
Let go of me! Get off! Stop it! I said let go of me!

Tharon and Galantis leave with Daphne.

EXTRA
There they are! Let's get 'em!

Gabrielle hands Sandor a sai.

GABRIELLE
You know how to use one of these?

SANDOR
Yeah, to gut a fish.

GABRIELLE
Think of 'em as really mean trout.

Gabrielle and Sandor fight the warriors.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Galantis carries Daphne.

GALANTIS
Ow!

Xena takes over.

XENA
Believe me, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than
it's gonna hurt me.

Xena takes his sword.

GALANTIS
Ow-w-w-w-w-w!

Xena ululates and kicks Galantis down the stairs.

THARON
That's gotta hurt. (to Xena) So finally after all these
years I get to pay you back for what you did to me.

He pulls off his mask to reveal scars on his face.

XENA
I hate to break it to you, but you were never that
good-looking to begin with.

Tharon laughs and then attacks. The two fight. Xena ululates and flips. Tharon attacks. Xena runs up some stairs. Tharon follows and starts to choke her. Xena kicks him back. He attacks and she dodges. He falls over the wall, yelling. Aphrodite appears with Xena's body.

APHRODITE
You owe me so big time. I hate manual labour.
Let's get this over with.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Sandor fight and win. Xena enters with Daphne.

SANDOR
You're...Xena.

XENA
Just barely.

DAPHNE
Dad this is the friend I was telling you about.

XENA
Go on.

Daphne moves to Sandor and hugs him. Gabrielle moves to Xena.

SANDOR
Thank you for saving my daughter. She's the most
precious thing in all the world to me.

XENA
Sure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena has her arm around Daphne. They walk along.

DAPHNE
Dad says he's gonna teach me how to fish.

XENA
Yeah? Well you can teach him how to cook it, huh?

DAPHNE
I guess I could.

XENA
I think you and your dad are gonna be just fine.

Xena hugs her.

DAPHNE
You're the best friend I ever had.

XENA
I hope I have a kid just like ya.

DAPHNE
Will I ever see you again?

XENA
Of course you will. Just look in the mirror.

Sandor enters with daisies.

SANDOR
Daphne?

She hugs him. Aphrodite stands with Gabrielle.

APHRODITE
Well, I guess all's well that ends well.

GABRIELLE
Hmm.

APHRODITE
And if you guys don't need me for anything else,
I'm late for a facial.

Aphrodite disappears. Xena joins Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
It's good to have you back.

XENA
It's good to be back.

Xena looks at her stomach.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing?

XENA
Just checking that everything's where I left it.

GABRIELLE
Xena I took good care of you.

XENA
I know. Thank you.

GABRIELLE
What was it like, being young again?

Xena pinches Gabrielle's neck.

GABRIELLE
Ow!

XENA
You know, some people think that it's easy being
a kid but in a lot of ways it's harder than being
an adult.

GABRIELLE
You should remember that when your child's
a teenager.

XENA
Ooh, don't say the 'T' word Gabrielle.

Xena and Gabrielle walk along the beach.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Rose McIver as Xena
Rose McIver as Daphne
Colin Moy as Galantis
Peter Feeney as Tharon
Stephen Finch as Sandor
Wade Taylor as Castor
Scott Taylor as Pollux
Justin Curry as Doorman
David Telford as Announcer
Allen O'Halloran as Guard

Written by: Gregg Ostrin
Directed by: Allison Liddi

Disclaimer: No Pie Tins were harmed during the making of Tharon's mask.