Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire


TEASER

Draco and his men move along.

DRACO
'X' marks the spot boys. The treasure should be
under these pillars. Where are you my golden one?
Ah-h-h-h-h-h.

Draco finds the lyre.

DRACO
At long last...the quest is finally over. The lyre's mine.

EXTRA
Yeah boss.

Amoria enters with her Amazons.

AMORIA
Correction...since you found it on Amazon
territory...I'd say it belongs to us.

DRACO
Rah-h-h-h.

Draco's men draw their swords.

EXTRA
Rah!

DRACO
Here.

Draco holds it out, but when Amoria moves to take it, he pulls it back.

DRACO
Psych!

He laughs.

DRACO
No! No, no, no! Look, look, I'll tell you what. If you
want the lyre so badly, you can pry it...from my
dead fingers.

AMORIA
With pleasure.

Amoria draws her sword. Xena uses her whip to get the lyre. Gabrielle and Joxer are with her.

XENA
Well kids, if you can't play nicely with your toy, I'm
gonna have to take it from ya.

EXTRA
What?

DRACO
Xena.

GABRIELLE
What's the lyre doing here?

XENA
Oh, there's more than one of them. They're hidden
all over the world. It's Terpsichore's way of spreading music.

Draco moves to take the lyre but Xena slaps his hand.

DRACO
Hi Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Draco-o.

JOXER
What's wrong with him?

GABRIELLE
Baby Bliss put a spell on him.

JOXER
Creepy.

DRACO
Aw, how can you say it's a spell when I would gladly
tear out my own spleen and carve your initials
on the side of it just to prove my undying love for you?

GABRIELLE
I'm flattered.

AMORIA
Check it out sisters. 'Draco the Lionhearted' is
really 'Draco the Dandelion.'

The Amazons laugh.

DRACO
You want a war Amazon? You've got one.

XENA
War!

GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is it good for?

XENA
(singing) Absolutely-

JOXER
(singing) Nothin'!

XENA
(singing) Uh-huh, yeah. War!

GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is it good for?

XENA
(singing) Absolutely-

JOXER
(singing) Nothin'!

XENA
(singing) Listen to me now.
War is a thing that I despise
'Cause it means destruction of innocent lives.
War means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes
When their young ones fight, lose their lives.

War! (speaks) Good Gods, y'all.

XENA, GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is good for?

XENA
(singing) Absolutely-

JOXER and AMORIA
(singing) Nothin'!

XENA
(singing) Say it again, yeah.

XENA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!

XENA, GABRIELLE and JOXER
(singing) What is it good for?

XENA
(singing) Absolutely-

The Amazons throw down their swords.

JOXER
(singing) Nothin'!

XENA
(sings) War!

GABRIELLE
(singing) It ain't nothin' but a heartbreaker!

XENA
(singing) War!

JOXER
(singing) Friend only to the undertaker!

AMORIA
(singing) War is the enemy of all mankind.
The thought of war just blows my mind.
War handed down from generation to generation
Induction and destruction, who wants to die?!

XENA and AMORIA
(singing) War!

XENA, GABRIELLE, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) What is it good for?

XENA
(singing) Absolutely nothin'!
Say it again, yeah.

XENA, GABRIELLE, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!
What is it good for?

XENA
(singing) Nothin'! Say it again!

JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!

DRACO
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!

XENA, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) What is it good for?

Gabrielle cartwheels and disarms Draco and his men.

JOXER
(singing) Nothin'!

XENA
(singing) Say it again!

XENA, JOXER, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) War!

GABRIELLE, JOXER AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) What is it good for?

DRACO
Absolutely nothing.

Xena shoves him back and Joxer tosses her the lyre.

DRACO
Okay, since we're not gonna battle it out, how
are we gonna decide who gets the lyre?

XENA
Oh, there's gonna be a battle, all right.

Xena runs her hand down the strings.

XENA
Battle of the bands.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Melodia. Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and Amoria walk along with Barkeep.

XENA
All right, listen up.
(singing) Playing music's the way
For a muse to inspire.
And the best-sounding band
Will win Terpsichore's lyre.

Hands the lyre to the barkeep.

GABRIELLE
(singing) If the people don't mind
There's a contest for peace.
And we'll do it right here

BARKEEP
(singing) In Melodia, music capital of Greece.

Barkeep leaves with the lyre. Amoria runs her hand over Joxer's cheek. Draco and his men enter.

BARKEEP
(singing) Hi Vargus.

TOWNSPERSON #1
(singing) Hi Spiro.
What's the hurry? Why the scurry?
Where's the fire? Why the lyre?

BARKEEP
(singing) Did you hear? There's a concert in town!

TOWNSPERSON #2
(singing) Hi Cory.

TOWNSPERSON #3
(singing) Hi Sarah.
News I'm bringing. Time for singing.
Can you hum? Get your drum.

TOWNSPERSON #2
Oh, my gosh, there's a concert in town.

EXTRAS
(singing) Is there really a jam?

BARKEEP
Yeah!

EXTRAS
(singing) Can we participate?

BARKEEP
Sure!

EXTRAS
(singing) Should we go there right now?

BARKEEP
Why not?

EXTRAS
(singing) Or is it too late?

BARKEEP
No!

EXTRAS
(singing) Yeah, there's really a jam
For you and the rest.
So take your sitars.
And give it your best.

ALABARDUS
(singing) Hello Farmer Paxon, I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you?

FARMER PAXON
(singing) Is there really a jam?

ALABARDUS
(singing) Yes, there is.

FARMER PAXON
(singing) I've got talent to spare.

ALABARDUS
(singing) That's why I asked.

FARMER PAXON
(singing) Just take over my stand.

ALABARDUS
(singing) But I thought-

FARMER PAXON
(singing) And get out of my hair!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) You know it man!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) It's crazy man!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) You know it!

LEADER
(singing) Hit your note...in your key.

BIG MAN
(singing) That's too high.

SMALL GUY
(singing) Not for me.

ALABARDUS
(singing) Hello, Miss Leandra, I am Alabartus.
Won't you let me sing with you?

She pushes him away. Rich Guy walks up to her.

RICH GUY
(singing) Got no talent. I got money.
I just need to bribe the judges.

AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Oh they think they're so cool.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) We've got talent.

AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Playing music's a gas.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) We've got music.

AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) When they get onstage.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) We got singing.

AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) They'll fall down on their-

They smack their behinds and walk off.

ALABARDUS
(singing) Hello kind barbarians, I am Alabartus.
Please just let me sing with you.

GABRIELLE
(singing) But you've got it all wrong.

EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

GABRIELLE
(singing) There's no talent to find.

EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

GABRIELLE
(singing) If this concert's too big.

EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

GABRIELLE
(singing) I'll go out of my mind.

EXTRAS
(singing) Then you gotta sing, really gotta sing!

Women surround Sex Symbol Guy.

SEX SYMBOL GUY
(singing) When the music plays,
When my hips a'sway.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?

Cyrene enters. The woman all fall down at Sex Symbol Guy's feet.

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Is there really a jam?

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa man!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Can we participate?

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa man!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Should we go there right now?

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa man!

EXTRAS
(singing) Or is it too late?

MALE EXTRAS FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready! (singing) Come on let's rock!
Gettin' ready!
Gettin' ready, ready to rock! Let's roll.
Gettin' ready! Come on let's rock!
Gettin' ready!
Gettin' ready, ready to rock! Let's roll.

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Yes, there's really a jam.

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa, yeah!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) For you and the rest.

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa, yeah!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) So take your sitars.

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Whoa, yeah!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) And give it your best.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Screen splits into two frames. Left to right: Gabrielle with people dancing around her. Draco with his men.

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready! Ready to-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four frames. Left to right: Gabrielle holding her head as the villagers dance. Draco and his men. Villagers dancing. Amoria and her Amazons.

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready! Gettin' ready!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six frames. Left to right: Villagers dancing. Draco and his men. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Gabrielle.

FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Gettin' ready!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight frames. Left to right: Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Draco and his men. Villagers dancing. Rich Guy with Miss Leandra.

EXTRAS
(singing) Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twelve frames. Left to right: Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Rich Guy with Miss Leandra. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Draco and men. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing.

EXTRAS
(singing) -h-h-h-h-h-h-h.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sixteen frames. Left to right: Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Sex Symbol Guy in front of a mirror. Gabrielle with villagers dancing around her. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Villagers dancing. Draco. Villagers dancing.

EXTRAS
(singing) Yeah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone falls to the ground around Gabrielle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Joxer move along in the village.

XENA
So I'm figuring this'll be a great place for a stage.

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Xena, the word is out. The bands are coming
from everywhere.

JOXER
Wow.

XENA
I guess the contest is gonna be bigger than
we thought.

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

XENA
Well everybody deserves a chance. Gabrielle
why don't you just audition each band as it comes
in and make a first cut. Good girl.

Gabrielle leaves.

XENA
Joxer get together some villagers. See if you can
build a stage. I'm figuring here.

JOXER
Okay.

Joxer leaves. Xena snaps.

XENA
Yeah.

Xena starts to leave.

CYRENE
Xena!

Sound of a 'bong.'

XENA
Mom!

Xena turns to see Cyrene.

XENA
Ah-h-h!

They hug.

CYRENE
So, it's true! And when were you going to tell me?

XENA
Amphipolis was my very next stop.

CYRENE
Well you look positively radiant. When are we
gonna meet your special someone?

EXTRA
Let me help you.

XENA
If you mean the father, the answer's never. He's
not in my life.

CYRENE
But Xena, every child needs a father!

XENA
You raised me on your own.

CYRENE
A test that would have been much easier with help.

XENA
I have help Mom.

EXTRA
Let me guess.

CYRENE
You have now.

Xena gives a nervous smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A really bad band plays for Gabrielle.

EXTRA
The place is rocking! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! A-o-o-o-o-oh! Yeah!

EXTRA
Ye-eah! Play it man! Whoo!

Gabrielle has a drink and lemons in front of her as she stares in disbelief. Gabrielle drops her head to the table. Xena, Cyrene and Joxer enter.

EXTRA
A-o-o-o-o-oh! Yeah!

The Extra laughs.

XENA
Oh Gabrielle, sign them up.

GABRIELLE
Kill me, please.

JOXER
Aw, come on. They can't all be...mediocre.

GABRIELLE
No, they all suck. Sadly everyone in the music
capital of Greece is tone deaf.

Music suddenly starts up from somewhere outside.

XENA
Maybe not everyone. Come on.

They all leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the village. Several males wearing golden shorts pull a small stage into town where Jace is keeping the beat with his hips. His back is to everyone. Jace turns, revealing he's the third triplet of Joxer and Jett. Jace talks with a Spanish accent.

JACE
Everyone! Why don't you all throw up your hands
and fe-e-e-e-e-el the rhythm?!

XENA
Another one?

JOXER
That's my brother Jace.

JACE
Uh! (singing) We get it on most every night.
And when that moon gets big and bright
It's a supernatural delight.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.

Gabrielle and Cyrene dance.

JACE
(singing) Everybody here is out of sight.
They don't bark and they don't bite.
They keep it loose. They keep it light.
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.

Jace and his dancers dance in the street.

JACE and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight.
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.

JACE
(singing) We like our fun but never fight.
You can't dance and stay uptight.
It's a supernatural delight.

Jace pinches Joxer's cheeks.

JACE
(singing) Everybody was dancing in the moonlight.

Joxer leaves.

JACE and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.
It's such a fine and natural sight.

Xena dances.

JACE and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.

JACE
That's right!

GABRIELLE
Come on!

Gabrielle grabs Xena and drags her into the conga line.

JACE
Bella! Mi amigo! Bella!

EXTRA
Come on, get in line!

JACE
Ha-hah-h-h-h-h! You think that was something?
This is how we dance before breakfast where I
come from! Repeat after me. Ole, ole!

EXTRAS
Ole, ole!

JACE
Ole, ole!

EXTRAS
Ole, ole!

Cyrene stands with a man as Gabrielle and Xena pass in the conga line. Xena mouths, "No!" and moves off. Cyrene shrugs.

JACE
Ole, ola-o!

EXTRAS
Ole, ola-o!

JACE
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.

EXTRAS
(sings) Oooh, oooh.

JACE
(singing) It's such a fine and natural sight.
Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.

EXTRAS
Bailondo! Bailondo!

JACE
Bailondo!
(singing) Dancing in the moonlight.
Everybody, feeling warm and bright.

EXTRAS
(singing) O-o-oh, o-o-oh.

JACE
(singing) It's such a fine and natural sight.
Everybody. Dancing.
Bailondo!

Jace finishes by sliding on his knees.

JACE
Hey-ho!

Draco grabs him.

JACE
Huh?

Draco picks him up.

DRACO
You fall off the circus wagon boy? We don't like
your kind around here freak.

GABRIELLE
Draco!

Draco shoves him back and Gabrielle and Xena stand between the two.

GABRIELLE
(to Xena) Let's take him.

DRACO
But Gabrielle, I am just trying to keep you from
being infected by--by this lily-livered panty-twist!

XENA
You harm so much as a hair on Jace's head...I'll
scalp you.

Gabrielle smiles.

XENA
Good luck in the contest.

Xena and Gabrielle leave. Jace looks at Draco and then does a small dance. His dancers join him, as they slap their hips and hold out their hands.

MALE EXTRAS
Huh!

Draco glares at them.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Joxer hammers a nail, building the stage. Amoria enters with her Amazons.

EXTRA
A little more! A little more!

Trying to show off, Joxer flips the hammer and hits himself in the head.

JOXER
Oh!

AMORIA
Need a hand killer?

JOXER
Where? Oh, m--me? Um, yeah. I am a killer. In
fact, I can kill a person with a cold stare. But, uh,
you know, inside I'm--I'm delicate as a--a daisy.
I'm--I'm...inside.

AMORIA
Mm-hm-m-m-m, don't try so hard Joxer. Didn't
anyone ever tell you the quickest way to win a
woman's heart...is by making her laugh?

JOXER
Oh, well in that case, I'm the sexiest man in the world.

Jace enters.

JACE
There you are! Joxer!

JOXER
Damn.

JACE
Ha-ha-ha!

JOXER
Who's that guy? Why don't you wait here? I'll be
back in a moment.

Joxer joins Jace.

JACE
You crazy fellow, you. Give your big brother a hug.

JOXER
No. Jace, no!

Jace hugs Joxer.

JACE
Ahh! Play the game.

JOXER
No.

JACE
Play the game!

JOXER
No Jace, not now.

Jace covers his eyes.

JACE
Where is he? I don't see my little brother! Where
is he?

He moves his hands away from his eyes.

JACE
There he is! Where have you been? I was starting
to think I was an only child.

JOXER
Look Jace, I'm a grown-u, now. I'm not your little
baby brother. And I'm a warrior with a reputation
to protect. I follow my sword.

JACE
Well I--I follow the music, wherever it takes me.
I thought you'd be happy it took me to you.

JOXER
Yeah, made my day. Now quit talkin' like that.

JACE
Like what?

JOXER
Like...I don't know, that stupid accent of yours,
like you're from Spain or somethin'. You're from
Olympic Street in Athens, two blocks from Akhmar
the meat man just like me.

JACE
Well not just like you. I don't have a pasta strainer
for a shirt.

JOXER
Just stay away from me...Bro.

Joxer leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jace and Xena sit at the bar. Jace has a shooter, while Xena sips the milk in her shooter glass.

JACE
My own brother, insulting me. Can you believe
it? Ie!

Jace drowns his shooter.

XENA
As a matter of fact, I can.

EXTRA
I'll have another one.

XENA
Joxer likes to think that he knows who he is, but
all he really knows is who he wants to be.

JACE
That's right.

Jace clinks her glass and drowns another shooter.

JACE
And who would not want to be just like me?

Jace stands and hums as he leaves. Cyrene enters, pulling Phillipis along with her.

CYRENE
Oh, Xena. Xena. Uh, meet Phillipis. Uh, he's a
healer. Uh, tell Xena about all the exciting things
you've been doing with leeches.

XENA
Oh...well, that's great, because I could sure use
a doctor about now.

Xena stands, showing her stomach.

EXTRA
Oh.

XENA
Could you give me and Mom just a moment?

EXTRA
Uh-huh.

Phillipis leaves.

XENA
Thanks.

Xena turns to Cyrene.

XENA
All right, I'm telling you for the last time politely,
I do not need help finding a man!

CYRENE
No? But finding the right man, now that's a different story.

XENA
I'm beginning to remember why I left home so young.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer works on the stage.

GABRIELLE
Joxer.

Joxer hits himself in the head with the hammer.

JOXER
Ow! What?!

GABRIELLE
What is your problem? Why were you so rude
to your brother?

JOXER
Look Gabrielle, you don't understand. Things
are different. We're not kids anymore. I'm a warrior
now and Jace is still...Jace.

GABRIELLE
So you're telling me that you're so heartless
towards him because he's...

JOXER
Different? Different and he is...

GABRIELLE
Yes?

JOXER
He's wasting his life. He is wasting his life. That's
it. I am a warrior and he's-

GABRIELLE
Your brother? No matter what else he is he will
always be that.

Amoria enters.

AMORIA
Hey Joxer. My band's rehearsing our moves. You
wanna watch handsome?

JOXER
Ha-ha-ha. Do birds fly? Do bees buzz? Do I take
a bath once a month whether I need it or not?
You bet. (to Gabrielle) Hold that.

Joxer drops the hammer on Gabrielle's foot.

GABRIELLE
Oh! Ah!

JOXER
Let's go.

Amoria pinches Joxer's butt as they walk off.

AMORIA
Oo-o-o-oh.

JOXER
You're not on the back burner now. You're smokin'.

Joxer laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena whistles the "Xena" theme song as she cleans off an ad about the concert.

MAXIMINIUM
Xena right?

XENA
Who wants to know?

MAXIMINIUM
I saw your ad. "Single Greek female seeks marriage
with stable provider to raise a child and to dote
on an exceptionally wonderful mother who doesn't
look a day over twenty."

XENA
Gee, I wonder who wrote that?

MAXIMINIUM
It wasn't you?

XENA
No, I am not in the market for a husband.

MAXIMINIUM
Yeah, sure. I understand. How 'bout a little casual sex?

Xena punches him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tavern. Amoria and her Amazons practice on stage, Joxer watching.

AMORIA
Five, six, seven, eight and step and kick and
twist and punch.

She sighs.

AMORIA
No ladies! It's step, kick, twist, punch. Not step,
kick, punch, twist. Again. Slowly.

Joxer mouths "Slowly."

AMORIA
Step, kick, twist...punch.

Amoria kisses her fist and sends it Joxer's way. Joxer catches the kiss on his cheek and blushes. Gabrielle is at the bar.

GABRIELLE
Why do I care? It is Joxer.

EXTRA
I appreciate anything.

Draco enters.

DRACO
Ain't love grand?

GABRIELLE
Draco, I 'm busy.

Gabrielle starts to walk off, but Draco pulls her back.

DRACO
I've come to talk to you about our future. Now I'm
a changed man. My warlord days are well behind
me and when I win that lyre I will prove it to you
in song.

GABRIELLE
I'm the reason you want-

DRACO
The lyre?

He laughs.

DRACO
Of course, it is! When I win that melodious instrument
I will serenade you for all eternity.

GABRIELLE
That's very sweet...in a completely deranged, obsessed
kind of way. Draco, you do not love me. You're
under a spell.

DRACO
Ah. Call it what you will, my love. Just as long as
you marry me. We could have a wedding in
spring and a honeymoon in Crete.

GABRIELLE
The answer is no.

She tries to leave, but he pulls her back.

DRACO
Your lips say, "No," but your eyes scream, "Yes."

GABRIELLE
Don't make me say it in a way you won't like.

DRACO
I will never give up on us Gabrielle. You may
kiss me.

He leans in to kiss her, but Gabrielle puts her hand over his mouth.

GABRIELLE
Don't even think about it.

Draco licks her fingers.

GABRIELLE
Oh! Uh!

She grabs his neck.

GABRIELLE
Let me get this through your thick skull. I would
not marry you if you were the last man on Earth.

She knees him and leaves.

DRACO
She wants me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dream. Gabrielle smells some flowers. Draco moves to her and they kiss. They walk along.

DRACO
(singing) I walk along these city streets you used to walk along with me.
And every step I take
Recalls how much in love we used to be.
Oh, how can I forget you?

Draco turns with a bunch of flowers, but Gabrielle is gone. Reality.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
Always something there to remind me!

Draco hits his men as he walks past them.

DRACO
(singing) I was born to love you,

Dream once more. Gabrielle stands there.

DRACO
(singing) And I will never be free,
You'll always be a part of me.

Draco picks her up and leaves, his men following.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dream. Draco dances with Gabrielle on the stage in the tavern.

DRACO
(singing) When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe
Where we danced night.
And I can't help recalling
How it felt to kiss and hold you tight.
Oh, how can I forget you?

She disappears. Reality. Draco holds her shoe. His men surround him.

DRACO AND MALE EXTRAS
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
Always something there to remind me!

Draco attacks his men.

DRACO
(singing) I was born to love you,
And I will never be free.

Falls on the stage.

DRACO
(singing) You'll always be a part of me!

His men pick him up.

DRACO
Gabrielle!

Fights his men.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dream. Draco and Gabrielle circle each other in a hut tub.

DRACO
(singing) If you should find you miss
The sweet and tender love we used to share,
Just look around to the places where we used to go.
And I'll be there.
Oh, how can I forget you?

Draco turns, but Gabrielle is not in his arms, though he holds the top of her bathing suit. Reality. Draco's men are in the tub with him, all of them wearing small, leather swimsuits.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
When there is always something there to remind me!
Always something there to remind me!

They get out of the tub and Draco's men surround him.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) When there is always something there to remind me!
Always! Something! Always! Something!

Draco knocks out all him men.

DRACO
If I can't have you Gabrielle, no one will!

He growls.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Jace dances and Joxer watches.

JACE
Yes, that's the groove, right there. I like this groove.
Yes, this does it for me. Oh, very much, very good.
Mm-m yes, I like this one. Turn around, that's it.
Back, back, step, step.

Amoria enters and smiles.

JOXER
What are you smilin' at?

AMORIA
Your brother.

JOXER
Oh. Uh, yeah. I'm really sorry about that.

JACE
Oh, I'm so sexy right now!

AMORIA
What are you apologizing for? Look at him. He's
amazing! He's so uninhibited.

Jace does the splits.

JACE
Ow!

AMORIA
Now that is a true sign of a secure man.

JACE
Ie! Ie my-

JOXER
Oh--oh, yeah--yeah. I'm just sorry he's not dancing
more. You know-

AMORIA
Hm-m. So...think you could get him to teach me
some of those moves?

JOXER
Oh, yeah, any-anything for you. You know, um,
uninhibitedness runs in my family.

AMORIA
Joxer.

JACE
Scary!

JOXER
Yeah?

AMORIA
You're trying too hard again.

JOXER
Right. I'll go get Jace.

JACE
Oh, sexy!

AMORIA
Come on girls.

JACE
Sexy.

Amoria and the Amazons leave. Gabrielle watches. Xena enters, walking fast. Jace can still be heard in the background.

XENA
Hi.

Gabrielle stops her.

GABRIELLE
Xena I, um, I wanna ask you something.

XENA
Well make it snappy. I've got a lot of single Greek
losers to turn down.

GABRIELLE
What do you think about Amoria for Joxer?

XENA
Works for me.

GABRIELLE
Are you crazy?!

EXTRA
Right away.

XENA
Why did you ask me if you already have an answer?

GABRIELLE
Because she's so wrong for him! He should be
with someone that's like--like...

XENA
You?

JACE
Back! Back!

GABRIELLE
Come on Xena.

XENA
Well hey, if you're not gonna take him, it's not fair
of you to stop someone else from tryin'?

EXTRA
Thank you.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jace sits in the tavern. Joxer taps his left shoulder and then moves to the right. Jace looks to the left to see know one and then turns to the right to see Joxer.

JOXER
Jace, how are ya Bro?

He sits.

JOXER
Listen, I know whatcha thinkin', I've been acting
crummy to ya and I probably shouldn't 'a said
what I said.

JACE
Really?

JOXER
Look you're a grown man. You wanna...dress
like a clown and...act like a spaz, that is none of
my business.

JACE
Joxer, back in the old country-

JOXER
Jace, you're not from the old country and you're
not from Spain and I doubt very much if you've
ever even had a plate of paella.

JACE
I am your older brother by half an hour...and I
see that is going to make all the difference in
the world.

Jace stands.

JACE
I 'cept your apology...because I know it is as good
as I'm ever gonna get from you...because you
obviously don't know any better.

Shakes Joxer's hand.

JACE
Adios.

Jace leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Backstage.

XENA
All right, come on. The concert's starting soon.

A Young Man enters with some flowers.

YOUNG MAN
Um, Xena right?

Xena sees the flowers.

XENA
She left town...just missed her.

YOUNG MAN
Before you say no, hear me out. I may not look
like much, but in a few years, when my face clears
up, I'll grow up to be the kind of man your child
will be proud to call Dad.

EXTRA
I need a little bit more.

XENA
You know what kid? That is the nicest offer I've
had all day.

EXTRA
You have to help me.

XENA
You shouldn't be in so much of a hurry to grow up.

EXTRA
Let's go.

XENA
(to herself) Mother.

EXTRA
See.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman massages Cyrene's back.

CYRENE
Hm-m-m-m-m-m. Mm-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m.

Xena grabs Cyrene's neck.

CYRENE
Oh-h!

XENA
I'm going to kill you.

CYRENE
All I want is for you to have a family Xena.

Xena lets go and Cyrene sits up.

XENA
I have a family. I've got Gabrielle, I've got Joxer
and as much as it pains me to say it, I've got you.
This child's life will be filled with more than
enough love.

CYRENE
Still, it doesn't replace a father.

XENA
Oh, for crying out loud, what century are you
living in?!
(singing) Now there was a time
When they used to say
That behind every-

XENA and AMORIA
(singing) Great man

XENA
(singing) There had to be a-

XENA and AMORIA
(singing) Great woman.

Amoria stands.

AMORIA
(singing) But in these times of change, you know?
It's no longer true
So we're comin' out of the kitchen

The Amazons get out of the hot tub.

AMORIA
(singing) Cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you, yeah.

Xena, Amoria and the Amazons dance.

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

AMORIA
Girl isn't that true?

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Standin' on their own two feet
Ringin' on their own bells.

AMORIA
(singing) Ringing bell!

XENA
(singing) Now this is a song

AMORIA
Sing Xena!

XENA
(singing) To celebrate

FEMALE EXTRAS
(sings) Yeah!

XENA
(singing) The conscious liberation of the female state.

AMORIA
(singing) Oh, I'm talkin' 'bout a state of mind.
Mothers and daughters and their...daughters, too.
Woman to woman, we're singin' with you. Oh, yeah.

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

EXTRA
Yeah Xena!

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.

Xena and Amoria sit next to Cyrene and the Amazons stand behind them.

XENA
(singing) Oh, we ain't makin' stories
And we ain't layin' plans.

AMORIA
(singing) 'Cause a man still loves a woman,
And a woman still loves a man.

XENA
They're just right!

Cyrene joins in the dancing.

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.
Ringin' on their own bells.

AMORIA
(singing) Oh, ringin' on my bells now, yeah.

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

AMORIA
(singing) Ah, ringin' on my bells.

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Standin' on their own two feet.

XENA
(singing) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h,

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) And ringin' on their own bells.

Cyrene joins in the singing.

ALL
(singing) Sisters are doin' it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.

XENA
(singing) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h,

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) And ringin' on their own bells.

Sisters are doin it for themselves.
Standin' on their own two feet.

XENA
(singing) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h,

XENA, AMORIA and FEMALE EXTRAS
(singing) Ringin' on their own bells.

XENA and AMORIA
Sisters are doin it for themselves.

They laugh. Jace laughs.

JACE
I love it! I love it!

Jace rises from the bathtub.

JACE
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

EXTRA
Well.

Amoria and the Amazons move off.

CYRENE
You've always danced to the beat of your own
drum Xena. I suppose it would be foolish of me
to stop you now.

Xena hugs her.

XENA
Thanks Mom.

CYRENE
Now who did you say the father was?

A 'bong' noise is heard.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Draco throws him men into a wall.

DRACO
Yah-h-h-h-h!

HENCHMAN #1
Everything okay, boss?

DRACO
Does everything look okay? The woman I love,
my sweet, beautiful Gabrielle has spurned my
advances! No, no...not spurned...she ha...she
hates me!

HENCHMAN #1
Hey, don't let it getcha down. I mean there's plenty
other chicks in the sea.

DRACO
Rah-h-h-h-h!

Draco throws a spear at Henchman #1's head.

HENCHMAN #1
Whoa.

DRACO
Gabrielle is not a chick. Her and I are
soulmates and as long as she's alive...I will never
be able to love again. Rah-h-h-h-h-h!

HENCHMAN #1
Ah...but what about the concert? I mean, um, me
and the boys are really lookin' forward to rockin' down.

DRACO
Oh, we'll perform, all right. In fact...we're gonna
slay 'em.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Villagers wait for the show.

EXTRA
Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

EXTRA
Let's go for cryin' out loud!

EXTRA
Get on with the show!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Backstage. The crowd can be heard yelling.

GABRIELLE
We still need you to perform. Can you please just
warm up in the dressing room? Uh no, you need,
you need to put on your costume. Just go to the
left. It's on a rack. Could we please clear this area?!

Xena enters.

XENA
What's going on? Come on, the crowd's going wild.

GABRIELLE
Xena, nobody wants to be the first band.

XENA
All right. You go out there and stall. I'll deal with
the bands.

Xena moves off.

XENA
All right! Come here!

Gabrielle opens the curtain and steps out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle steps on the stage and everyone cheers.

GABRIELLE
Um, the concert's about to start.

EXTRAS
Yeah!

GABRIELLE
All right. I--I need to make an announcement.
There's some bad slouvaki going around, so
stay away from the slouvaki.

Everyone boos. Someone throws a vegetable at Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Hey! Hey! It's not that bad.

DRACO
Gabrielle?

Draco stands with his band at the side of the stage. Gabrielle looks at the crowd.

GABRIELLE
All right!

The crowd cheers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle steps backstage.

GABRIELLE
Draco uh, you're on.

Draco grabs her.

DRACO
This is your last chance Gabrielle. Marry me,
my love.

GABRIELLE
Draco no!

Draco shoves her back and his men grab her.

DRACO
Have it your own way, but you're part of the act
now and for our grand finale you get to die.

A sword is held on Gabrielle.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

The crowd waits.

EXTRA
Yeah, as if it's gonna start you know?! I mean...ho!

Draco and the band stand still on stage with smoke.

DRACO
Right now, it's time to...
Right now, it's time to...
Right now, it's time to
Check out the jams, brothers and sisters. Come on!

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
I gotta kick 'em out!

The guitars are made of axes. A golden sheet is pulled off a cage where Gabrielle is inside in a go-go outfit. She shakes the cage.

DRACO
(singing) Well I feel pretty good
And I guess that I could
Get crazy now, baby.
'Cause we all gotta do
What the dressing room gone crazy, yeah

I know how you want it girl,
Hot, quick and tight
The girl can't stand when you're
Doin' it right.
So, le me up on the stand.

Let me kick out the jams.
Yeah! Kick out the jams.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) I gotta kick 'em out!

Draco kneels, his guitar under him. He touches the top and fire explodes from it.

EXTRA
Come on!

DRACO
(singing) I'm starting to sweat,
You know my shirt's all wet
What a feelin'. Yeah

And the sound that abounds and
Resounds and rebounds off the ceiling.
What's up!?
You got to have a baby
You can't do without.
When you got that feelin'
You got to sock 'em out.
So put the mike in my hands.

Let me kick out the jams.
Yeah! Kick out the jams.

DRACO and MALE EXTRAS
(singing) I gotta kick 'em out.

DRACO
All right! All right! All Right! All right! All right!

GABRIELLE
Help me! I need something heavy! Anything, please!

EXTRA
How 'bout a rock?!

GABRIELLE
Rock! Yeah! Yeah, rock!

EXTRA
Here!

GABRIELLE
Come on!

EXTRA
Rock him with this!

Gabrielle starts to hit the lock with the rock. Draco faces her, fire coming from his guitar.

DRACO
Good-bye, my love.

Xena breaks in with the lyre, hitting a high note. Everyone covers their ears and turns to face her. Xena plays the "Xena" theme song on the lyre.

DRACO
Get her!

Draco's men attack Xena. The Amazons come on stage and take the guitars. They continue to play the "Xena" theme song. Xena fights Draco's men. Gabrielle escapes and the mosh pit flips her away from stage.

DRACO
Gabrielle!

Draco jumps, but everyone moves, letting him drop. Draco runs after her. Xena fights.

DRACO
Wait for me, my love!

GABRIELLE
Xena! Xe-

DRACO
Come back!

Draco catches up with Gabrielle. She grabs a spear, but Draco takes it from her.

DRACO
Time to die Gabrielle.

Xena stops him.

XENA
Show's over, lover boy.

DRACO
Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h!
(rapping) The name's Draco!
Give me my props!
'Cause I'm the G when the musicstops!

XENA
(rapping) I'm the Baddest momma jamma
This side of Thrace.
Your expression's gonna change
When I'm in your face.

DRACO
(rapping) No, I'm the baddest rapper there is,
And you're the saddest there is
And that's the way it is.

XENA
(rapping) You're just a copycat.
That's where your head is at.
You chase the rhythm
From a place you was never at.

DRACO
(rapping) Ain't nobody told you that payback's a mother?!

XENA
(rapping) Heads up, my brother,
'Cause here comes another fight. Ha!

Xena ululates and yells as she flips onto the heads of the villagers. Draco joins her.

EXTRA
Yeah!

DRACO
(rapping) It's time to face the Funk
Blastin' atcha!
You better give it up 'cause you
Ain't gonna match my rhyme!

XENA
(rapping) Just like old times
When you be trippin' in your own stuff
Didn't know what up.

Golden horns are thrown at them. They each catch one.

DRACO
(rapping) I'm the number one Warlord
King of the horde.
And I'm out to collect my reward.

XENA
(rapping) Let's get it on 'cause I'm gettin' bored.

Xena and Draco fight. Xena spins with a yell. They keep fighting. Xena wins. The Amazons play the "Xena" theme song.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena ties up Draco and his men. She puts a gag on Draco.

XENA
There, now. That's so much better.

Amoria is all over one of Draco's men.

AMORIA
I just love a man in uniform.

Joxer watches. Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
You all right?

JOXER
Ye...oh...what do you think?

GABRIELLE
Joxer she's a rocker chick. What d'you expect?
I have to admit I, uh, thought it was kind of strange
seeing you with her. It's only 'cause I'm so used
to your, you know, being around me and that
kind of thing.

JOXER
Mm-hm-m, like a puppy-dog.

GABRIELLE
That's not what I meant.

JOXER
Gabrielle you are sort of used to having me around
when you need me.

GABRIELLE
I know I take advantage of you Joxer, but I care
about you.

JOXER
Hm-m?

GABRIELLE
You mean a lot to me.

JOXER
'Kay. So what are you doin' tonight?

GABRIELLE
Not a chance in Tartarus.

JOXER
Right, because I have lots to do as it gets later.

GABRIELLE
Oh good.

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The crowd calls for Xena.

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Backstage.

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena!

JACE
Xena! Come quick! The crowd's going wild! They
want an encore!

XENA
I'd love to but I'm fresh out of asses to kick!

EXTRAS
Xena!

JACE
But you just won Terpsichore's lyre!

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena!

JACE
But if you don't want it, I'll put it in my living room.

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena!

JACE
Maybe next to the bed or something.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The crowd keeps calling for Xena.

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!

Xena steps out with the lyre and the crowd cheers.

XENA
Now Terpsichore wanted this lyre to spread music
so I don't think that it's fair that only one person
should own it. And that's why I'm leaving it here,
in the musical capital of Greece, because Melodia,
you ro-o-o-o-ock!

The crowd cheers. Xena hands off the lyre. Xena sings with the Amazons and Jace's Dancers.

XENA and EXTRAS
(singing) All the world over so easy to see
People everywhere just wanna be free.
Listen, please listen, that's the way it should be.
Peace in the valley people got to be free! Oh, oh, yeah!

JACE
Mi amigo!

EXTRAS
(singing) Oh, oh, yeah.

JACE
Listen to me.
(singing) You should see what a lovely, lovely world this would be
If everyone learned to live together.

JOXER
Ah-ha-ah.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
(singing) Seems to me such an easy, easy thing it should be

JOXER and JACE
(singing) Why can't you and me learn to love one another?

JOXER
Oh, yeah.

XENA, JACE, JOXER and EXTRAS
(singing) All the world over so easy to see
People everywhere just wanna be free.
Can't understand, it's so simple to me
People everywhere just got to be free.

Gabrielle dances in.

EXTRAS
Oh, oh, yeah! Oh, oh, yeah!

GABRIELLE
(singing) If there's a man who is down and needs a helping hand
All it takes is you to understand and to pull him through.

XENA
(singing) Uh-huh.
It seems to me we gotta solve it individually now, yeah, oh-oh.
I'll do unto you what you do to me.

JACE
You're a very good singer but you can't be in my show.

Amoria and Cyrene enter.

ALL
(singing) Shout it from the mountain, call out to the sea.

JACE
Out to the sea.

ALL
(singing) No two ways about it, people have to be free.

JACE
Got to be free.

ALL
(singing) Ask me my opinion, my opinion will be
Natural situation for a man to be free.

EXTRAS
Oh, oh, yeah.

JACE
Get right on board now.

EXTRAS
(singing) Oh, oh, yeah.

JACE
Huh! Ha!

ALL
(singing) Oh, what a feeling's just come over me.

XENA
Come over me.

ALL
(singing) Love can move a mountain, make a blind man see.

Someone pinches Joxer's behind.

JACE
No two ways about it.

ALL
(singing) Everybody sing it now.

XENA
Come on.

ALL
(singing) Peace in the valley, now we ought to be free.

They continue to dance.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Gillian Iliana Waters as Amoria
Jay Laga'aia as Draco
Darien Takle as Cyrene
Jim Ngaata as Maximinimus
Geoff Dolan as Henchman #1
Ciaran Pennington as Young Man
Paul Norell as Falafel
Jeremy Birchall as Joxer/Jace Camera Double

Singers:
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Susan Wood as Gabrielle
Susan Calloway as Gabrielle
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Gillian Iliana Waters as Amoria
Jay Laga'aia as Draco
Tony Bishop as Alabardus
Bruce Hopkins as Barkeep
Grant Bridger as Farmer Paxon
Clint Sharplin as Townsperson #1
Christine Bartlett as Townsperson #2
Vanessa Kelly as Townsperson #3
Olaf John as Leader
Latham Gaines as Rich Guy
Geoff Knight as Big Man
Guy Ryan as Sex Symbol Guy
Stephen Butterworth as Small Guy

Written by: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed by: Mark Beesley

Disclaimer: No Lyres were strung out during the production of this motion picture.