Married With Fishsticks


TEASER

Gabrielle holds Eve who is crying.

GABRIELLE
Come on Eve. Come on, it's all right. Who's your
favourite auntie?! Gabby! Xena'll be back any minute.
I promise. She's just grabbing a quick bath. Come
on. Hush, hush, hush, hush, now. Hush. I'll give
you a dinar.

Xena enters.

GABRIELLE
I'll give you five dinars! Oh, please.

XENA
All right sweetheart. Momma's here.

GABRIELLE
Xena I can't figure out what's wrong with her.

XENA
All babies cry Gabrielle.

Xena takes Eve.

XENA
It's just a fact of life, huh?

Eve stops crying.

XENA
I'm her mother.

GABRIELLE
You're a natural.

Xena chuckles.

GABRIELLE
I thought I was but I lost my touch.

XENA
Nah, you're great with kids.

GABRIELLE
Xena I don't have the patience to even raise my own.

XENA
You rise to every occasion Gabrielle. I don't think
motherhood's gonna be any different. Don't lose
any sleep over it.

Eve is asleep.

GABRIELLE
Speaking of-

XENA
Hm-m-m-m-m-m.

JOXER
Come and get it!

GABRIELLE
Sh-h-h-h-h-h!

JOXER
Ah-hah!

GABRIELLE
Sh! Sh!

Eve cries.

JOXER
Huh?!

GABRIELLE
Quiet.

JOXER
What? It's not sleeping, is it? Here's the grub for
the spud.

Joxer gives Xena a wrapped up cloth. Xena opens it.

XENA
What's this?!

JOXER
You asked for baby food.

XENA
Baby back ribs are not baby food Joxer.

GABRIELLE
Eve doesn't have teeth. How is she supposed
to tear meat from the bone?

JOXER
What she doesn't have hands?

GABRIELLE
You, me. Town, now.

Gabrielle grabs him and they start to leave.

JOXER
Fine. Hey you don't mind if I have some of those
do you? You can spare some ribs, get it?

Gabrielle shoves him into a tree.

GABRIELLE
Watch that tree.

JOXER
Okay, I'm comin'.

Eve cries.

XENA
I know. He'll grow on ya.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Docks. A Pirate picks petals off of a flower.

PIRATE
She loves me, she loves me not.

EXTRA
This way!

PIRATE
She loves me.

Aphrodite appears.

PIRATE
She loves me not.

Discord appears.

DISCORD
Well, if it isn't the ever-titillating Aphrodite. I almost
didn't recognize you with your legs so close together.

APHRODITE
Discord, are you still looking for someone to shave
your back?

DISCORD
You've crossed the line for the last time. That
pirate you turned into a lovesick idiot...I had big
plans for him!

APHRODITE
All I did was give him a slight attitude adjustment.

DISCORD
How? By cutting off his-

APHRODITE
All right, it's time someone washed your mouth
out with soap.

Soap bubbles come out of Discord's mouth. Aphrodite giggles.

DISCORD
Uh! You're dead Bimbolina!

Discord shoots bolts at Aphrodite, but she blocks them.

APHRODITE
Love: forty!

Discord shoots more bolts, which Aphrodite blocks, sending them flying. No one can see the goddesses, only the bolt. Joxer and Gabrielle enter.

JOXER
What's goin' on?!

GABRIELLE
Give me two guesses.

Gabrielle whistles. Aphrodite appears so she can be seen.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite. Got a problem?

Discord appears so she can be seen.

APHRODITE
Nothin' a bucket of disinfectant can't fix.

DISCORD
Eat me hosebag!

Discord shoots more bolts, which Aphrodite blocks and sends flying. One hits a beam. The beam hits Gabrielle in the head and knocks her into the ocean.

GABRIELLE
Uh!

JOXER
Gabrielle!

Gabrielle is dragged under the water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle is under the water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle wakes up and sees Hagar. She wears a long, blonde wig.

GABRIELLE
Huh-h-h-h-h-h-h?

HAGAR
Are you okay?

GABRIELLE
Where am I?

HAGAR
Sh-sh-sh. You took a nasty spill.

GABRIELLE
I don't remember anything, not--not this place,
not--not you, not-

Gabrielle sees she has a fin instead of legs.

GABRIELLE
My legs! My legs! What happened to my legs?!

HAGAR
Just, you know? Fins when you're in the water,
legs when you're out? You don't remember anything,
do you?

GABRIELLE
No.

HAGAR
Total amnesia, that's perfect-ly awful. The kids
and I were worried sick.

GABRIELLE
What kids?

HAGAR
Our kids!

Gabrielle looks to see Flipper, a half seal, half human, Urchin, a half urchin, half human and Baby Row, a squid-like creature. Gabrielle passes out.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Gabrielle wakes up in a large pink bed. She pulls back the covers to see her legs.

GABRIELLE
Oh-h-h-h-h, that was so weird.

HAGAR
Wake up my little cuttlefish!

Hagar enters.

HAGAR
Time to take your medicine.

Gabrielle covers herself.

HAGAR
Hey, there's no need for that. Nothin' I haven't
seen before. Here you are. Drink it up.

GABRIELLE
What is this?

HAGAR
Oh that. That's just som'in' the doc said'll help
you get back on your feet a little faster, you know.

GABRIELLE
You-

HAGAR
Drink it down. Down the hatch.

She does.

HAGAR
That's it. That's a good girl.

GABRIELLE
No offense, but who are you?

HAGAR
Me? I'm your husband. Hagar.

He fluffs the bed.

HAGAR
Huh?

GABRIELLE
You are my husband?

HAGAR
Oh, yes.

He moves to kiss her, but she holds her hand in front of his face.

GABRIELLE
I don't have a wedding ring.

HAGAR
Oh, oh, you must 'a lost it in the pools. We'll getcha
another one. Nothing is too good for the mother
of my sprats. Hm-m?

He moves to kiss her, but she sits up and he falls into the pillow.

GABRIELLE
Please tell me these kids are adopted.

HAGAR
Oh no. Heh-heh. We had 'em the old-fashioned
way. We earned 'em.

He moves to kiss her but she holds her up her hand again. Flipper can be hear yelling.

FLIPPER
Row's doing it again!

HAGAR
Keep the bed warm. I'll be back. (yelling) Row! I
told you keep your tentacles to yourself!

Hagar leaves.

GABRIELLE
Maybe amnesia's not a bad thing after all.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagar looks out the window and watches mermaids.

HAGAR
Get out of the way, you blowfish. Nice tail. Oo-o-o-o-oh.

He snickers.

HAGAR
Oh, yes. Now that's what I call a lungfish.

He snickers again. Gabrielle stands in front of the window and puts her hands on her hips.

GABRIELLE
This place is a sty.

HAGAR
Heh-heh-heh-hay! Not for long! 'Cause now that
you're feelin' better...you can start cleanin' again!

He holds out a mop and pail.

GABRIELLE
Did we have a happy marriage?

HAGAR
Happy as clams.

He slaps her butt.

GABRIELLE
Oh! Aren't there children, somewhere around here?

Gabrielle is snagged in a rope and lifted off the floor, hanging upside down. Flipper and Urchin laugh.

HAGAR
Kids.

GABRIELLE
I want down now.

HAGAR
Kids!

Flipper shoves Urchin out of hiding.

URCHIN
Hey!

Urchin pulls Flipper out.

HAGAR
Your mother has told you a hundred times not
to play games in the living room!

EXTRA
Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h.

HAGAR
Now let her down!

EXTRA
Uh-oh!

Row releases the level and Gabrielle falls.

GABRIELLE
Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!

Flipper and Urchin laugh. Hagar chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Some kids.

HAGAR
Yes aren't they? In case you don't remember, in
descending order, that's Flipper.

FLIPPER
Look Mom! No hands!

He hits Urchin.

HAGAR
Quite the wiseacher. Next to him is the curious
one Urchin.

URCHIN
What's a sphincter?!

HAGAR
Hm-m and who could forget little baby Row?

Row squeals. The doorbell sounds.

EXTRA
Doorbell.

HAGAR
Oop! Be back in a moment my little sea mollusk.

EXTRA
Momma?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

Row jumps on her face.

EXTRA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

GABRIELLE
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone presses the doorbell.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagar looks out the peephole to see Crabella and Sturgina. The kids run off with Gabriele.

GABRIELLE
Get this slime bag off!

HAGAR
Hel--lo.

Hagar lets them in.

HAGAR
Didja get it? I only had enough for one drink.

STURGINA
Stinger stingerray, the ultimate mind-erasuh just
like you asked.

HAGAR
Great.

STURGINA
You know? I'd never let you down.

CRABELLA
Hey I paid for it. 'Course with me you'd never
have to.

STURGINA
I know you must be lonely since Crustacea walked
out on you so-

HAGAR
Walked out on me? Ha-ha! Walked out on me?
That's a hot one! Heh-heh, no, no. No, she's at
the spa. Vacationing.

STURGINA
Too bad she's-

CRABELLA
Back!

HAGAR
Hm-m-m?

Gabrielle enters with the kids attacking her.

GABRIELLE
Get this tentacle off of me!

STURGINA
But that's impossible!

Hagar laughs.

HAGAR
Girls, you know how the council is about family values.
If I'm gonna win that re-election, I'm gonna need
a mother for my children even if she's not the
original. Get me?

CRABELLA
Oh, so you picked up some look-alike to play
the part.

HAGAR
Yes. Yes. She has amnesia so now she thinks
she's Crustacea.

STURGINA
And ya need this to keep her in charactuh, huh?

HAGAR
That's right. Please? I'll do anything.

Sturgina gives it to him.

HAGAR
Thanks. You can show yourselves out.

Hagar moves off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle holds the potion.

GABRIELLE
Cheers. Oh. Uh.

Gabrielle drinks it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle mops. Row helps.

EXTRA
Oh!

Row copies what Gabrielle does with the mop.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later. Gabrielle dusts. Row wraps her tentacles around Gabrielle's legs.

EXTRA
Momma! Momma.

Gabrielle tickles Row's nose with the duster and Row giggles. The doorbell rings. Gabrielle moves to answer the door, but can't move with Row on her legs.

GABRIELLE
Come in!

Gabrielle hops but falls.

GABRIELLE
Uh!

EXTRA
Whoa!

GABRIELLE
Uh.

Crabella and Sturgina enter.

CRABELLA
(gasps) Wow, you look just like her!

GABRIELLE
Like who?

STURGINA
Just like ya did before the accident. We thought
there'd be more scar tissue.

GABRIELLE
Who are you?

STURGINA
(gasps) Only your best friends in the whole world!

GABRIELLE
Oh. I--I should've known that, I'm sure. I--I have amnesia.

CRABELLA
Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. So that explains the new look.
It's so not you.

STURGINA
And it explains why you weren't there today.

GABRIELLE
Where?

Crabella and Sturgina look at each other in shock.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The club.

GABRIELLE
What is this place?

CRABELLA
It's the clu-u-u-u-u-u-ub. Anyone who's anyone
belongs to the club.

STURGINA
Mermaids or not.

INSTRUCTOR
All right ladies! Let's get those fins in gear! It's
time ta aquacise! Ow-w-w-w!

GABRIELLE
Hm-m.

Gabrielle moves off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The mermaids jump into the water and have fins.

INSTRUCTOR
All right! Everyone in the pool! That's good! That's
right! Now! Swim toward me. Everybody, come
in together. Come in together.

STURGINA
So Crustacea, have things gotten any better, you
know...at home?

GABRIELLE
What things?

CRABELLA
Oh, that's right. The amnesia. Well maybe it's
for the best.

INSTRUCTOR
All right now come in together. Smoothly, though,
smoothly. Come in together. That's it. Smoothly,
forming the orb. Oh-h-h-h-h, beautiful orb. Right.

GABRIELLE
What's wrong at home?

STURGINA
Well according to you everything. The kids are impossible.

CRABELLA
Yeah. Flipper's a smart-mouthed brat. And Urchin's
a budding pervert. And Baby Row-w-w-w-w-w...well
no one knows exactly what baby Row is.

GABRIELLE
He's not really a pervert. Did I say all that?

STURGINA
You think we'd make it up?

GABRIELLE
I guess not.

CRABELLA
I'm tellin' ya girl, you've been ready to jump ship
for months.

STURGINA
Not that we blame you. Especially since you told
us Hagar wants a dozen more just like 'em.

GABRIELLE
He does?

CRABELLA
Mm-hm-m-m-m. We'll help you pack.

GABRIELLE
If the kids are that bad I can't...well I can't leave
them. I have to raise them to be better, right? I'll stay.

INSTRUCTOR
Now holding and let the flower bloo-oo-oo-oom.

They raise their tails.

INSTRUCTOR
Oh! That's it! Ow-w!

They make a flower with their tales.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagar is in before the council.

HAGAR
And so wise members of council, if elected
president I promise that I will not rest, until I have
established schools for our little fishes everywhere!
Thank you.

Hagar holds out his hand to Council Member/Minister, but Council Member/Minister doesn't move.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
So-o-o-o-o-o I heard your wife's back from vacation.
Hope she's happy to be home. You know how
important a stable family is to the council.

HAGAR
Well, um...with all due respect sir, I don't think
my wife can remember when she's been so happy.

He laughs.

HAGAR
Hm-m-m-m-m.

He nods.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle is hanging upside down.

FLIPPER
Na-na-na-na-na-na! Na-na-na-na-na-na!

GABRIELLE
That's funny! Please let me down now! Come
on, I--I can't feel my feet anymore! Let me down!

FLIPPER
Now!

Row moves a level and a trap door opens.

GABRIELLE
Oh-ho! Okay that's enough! Mommy's had a
shower! Children!

FLIPPER
Come get it Titan! It's suppertime! Now!

GABRIELLE
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Row moves the level again and Gabrielle falls in the water.

GABRIELLE
Shark!

Flipper and Urchin laugh. A shark moves towards Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Shar-r-r-r-r-r-r-rk!

The shark moves towards her.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Flipper and Urchin laugh.

FLIPPER
Yeah! Yeah!

Flipper and Urchin laugh. The shark moves at Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Shar-r-r-r-r-r-r-rk!

Row lifts the level and Gabrielle is pulled up. She flips and lands on her feet.

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Whoa! Whoa!

GABRIELLE
(to herself) How did I do that? (to children) All
right, you're al-l-l-l-l-l-l grounded!

URCHIN
But--but, but it was his, oh, it was his idea Mom!

FLIPPER
Don't listen to him Mom! He's lying!

GABRIELLE
Quiet! I don't care who is responsible. I don't know
how things used to be around here but they're
about to change.

FLIPPER
Oh-h-h-h-h-h Mom.

GABRIELLE
Go to your room!

They don't move.

GABRIELLE
Move it!

They leave.

FLIPPER
Boy, she's really mad.

Gabrielle is still tied up.

GABRIELLE
Guys?! Hey, wait a minute! Help, I can't move!
Guys?! Can you come on?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flipper and Urchin clean glasses. Gabrielle cuts food. Hagar enters.

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Hi Dad!

HAGAR
Hi kids. Oh, what a day I had. Let me tell ya.
Murder out there. What's for dinner? I'm starved.
You know? Sometimes I wish I could just do what
you do. Hang around, play with my hair, try and
look pretty. You know, nothin'.

Gabrielle throws the knife at him, which digs into the wall.

GABRIELLE
Yah! Children, will you please excuse us.

URCHIN
Yes Mommy Dearest.

FLIPPER
Yes Mommy Dearest.

The kids leave.

GABRIELLE
Hagar am I mistaken, or are you under the impression
that this house cleans itself? That the dinner that
you're about to eat, somehow jumped up on
the stove and hopped in the pot? That our children
taught themselves manners?

HAGAR
Is my widdle cwab cake feeling under appreciated?

She hits him.

HAGAR
Ah-h-h-h!

GABRIELLE
Now she's feeling patronized and that's worse. I
don't care how hard you think you work 'cause I
work just as hard! Look what you did to my wall!
Now look, mister. You and I are going to raise
these children together because I will not have them
treating their spouses the way that you treat me!

She storms out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagar reads. Gabrielle reaches in the door and turns off the light. Hagar turns it back on. Gabrielle turns off the light. Hagar turns it back on. Gabrielle enters in her nightgown.

GABRIELLE
Hagar!

HAGAR
What?!

GABRIELLE
Do you expect me to believe that I wear this to bed?

HAGAR
Ooh. Well um, no. Usually you sleep in the nude.

GABRIELLE
In your dreams.

She runs to the bed and dives under the covers.

HAGAR
Um, um, I...boy.

GABRIELLE
Hagar how exactly did we meet?

HAGAR
Well it was a beautiful, sunny day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crustacea eats a sucker. Hagar sees her and starts to strut over.

SINGER (voice-over)
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
And music loud and women warm
I've been kicked around since I was born.

Hagar throws his paintbrush and knocks a woman out.

SINGER (voice-over)
And now it's all right. It's okay.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

Hagar hits Sturgina and Crabella in the head with his paint can as he struts by. They look adoringly at him.

SINGER (voice-over)
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Stayin' al-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve!

CRUSTACEA
Hi.

Hagar throws the paint can.

CRUSTACEA
Hey!

SINGER (voice-over)
Well, now I get low and I get high.
And if I can't get either, I really try.

The paint can hits Hagar. Crustacea giggles. Crustacea gives Hagar mouth-to-mouth. Hagar coughs.

HAGAR
Hey.

He chuckles.

HAGAR
Far out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bedroom.

HAGAR
You know? There is one thing I never told you.

GABRIELLE
What?

HAGAR
I was only pretending to be unconscious, so I
could kiss ya.

GABRIELLE
That's almost sweet.

Gabrielle closes her eyes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Club.

STURGINA
Who does that cheap piece of tail think she is?

CRABELLA
Hello! She thinks she's Crustacea! And now,
thanks to you, she's buckin' for Mother of the Year.

STURGINA
How was I supposed to know she had a conscience?
Besides there's more than one way to skin a catfish.

CRABELLA
You got another plan?

STURGINA
Let's just say I get the feeling something terrible
might happen to her!

CRABELLA
You mean like an accident?

STURGINA
Accidentally...on purpose.

They smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cage under the sea. It's been cut open.

CRABELLA (voice-over)
I hope Crustacea likes calamari.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Club. Gabrielle is with Row. She uses a knife to cut off a piece of an apple.

GABRIELLE
Okay, okay. It's coming. It's coming.

She feeds Row the apple slice.

GABRIELLE
There you are. Yummy! There you go. Ow!

Flipper and Urchin lead a conga line.

EXTRAS
Whoo! Whoo!

STURGINA
Crustacea!

CRABELLA
Wow! What brings our best pal back to the club
so soon?

GABRIELLE
You. Well you said I should bring baby Row to
the swimboree class right?

STURGINA
Of course she did. Amnesia must be catchy.

GABRIELLE
(to Row) You wanna go for a swim?

STURGINA
Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h, but look at you two! Look Crabella,
ain't they sweet?

CRABELLA
A regular portrait.

STURGINA
She's right. We must preserve this familial moment.
Salvador! Hello! Dali over here!

The painter runs over to them.

GABRIELLE
You have a portrait artist.

CRABELLA
Oh, it's a very exclusive club.

GABRIELLE
Oh.

STURGINA
Now let's see. Why don't you two go stand by
the pool?

EXTRA
Ah, yes a lighthouse on the rocks.

Gabrielle moves closer to the pool.

GABRIELLE
Well okay. Here?

STURGINA
Uh, a little more.

Gabrielle moves closer to the pool.

GABRIELLE
How about right here?

STURGINA
A little more.

Gabrielle moves closer to the pool.

GABRIELLE
Here?

EXTRA
Uh-oh.

Row sees an eye in the water.

STURGINA
A little more.

Gabrielle moves closer to the pool.

GABRIELLE
Okay. Here?

A tentacle comes out of the water.

GABRIELLE
You know?

Gabrielle in knocked in the water.

GABRIELLE
Ah! Help!

CRABELLA
Oh-h-h-h-h.

STURGINA
Guess she forgot to say, "Cheese."

Gabrielle is dragged under the water.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Gabrielle fights the octopus.

CRABELLA
Oh, no-o-o-o-o-o-o!

EXTRA
Oh! My God!

FLIPPER
Yeah!

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Go Mom!

Gabrielle uses the knife to hack at the octopus.

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Yeah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

URCHIN
Come on!

FLIPPER
Go Mom!

STURGINA and CRABELLA
Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.

The water turns red with blood.

EXTRA
Oh my God!

EXTRA
Hey, did she make it?

Gabrielle rises from the water with the dagger in her teeth.

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Yeah-h-h-h! Yeah-h-h-h-h! Go Mom!

EXTRA
Wonderful!

STURGINA
Imagine that Crabella, an excaped octopus!

She sighs. Gabrielle gets out of the water.

STURGINA
We're so glad you're all right.

CRABELLA
Yeah, we had no idea you knew how to defend
yourself. Otherwise we never would-

Sturgina elbows her.

GABRIELLE
Huh. Well I uh, I guess the swimboree class is
a bust for today. (to Row) Sorry about that. See
ya ladies. Come on.

She leaves.

STURGINA
This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Everyone claps.

EXTRA
I'm glad you're all right!

EXTRA
That octopus didn't stand a chance!

Sturgina and Crabella walk off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagar's house.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle enters with the kids. Hagar stands at the table like a waiter.

HAGAR
Table for four.

Hagar sits Gabrielle down.

GABRIELLE
Hagar please tell me you had this delivered.

Hagar sighs.

HAGAR
Ye of little faith. Let your tongue be the judge.

Hagar reveals dinner.

HAGAR
Clamburgers!

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Yeah!

The kids start to eat.

HAGAR
See? The kids love it.

Row nods.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The kids leave.

FLIPPER and URCHIN
Good night. Good night.

FLIPPER
Good night Dad.

HAGAR
And don't forget to brush your teeth before you
go to bed. Even the retractable ones.

FLIPPER
You said it already!

URCHIN
You said it already!

GABRIELLE
Good night.

HAGAR
Good night.

Hagar and Gabrielle sit at the table.

GABRIELLE
What was the occasion?

HAGAR
You were. Look I've been thinkin' a lot about what
you said about shared responsibility.

GABRIELLE
Mm-hm-m?

HAGAR
And after the way I treated you, you could 'a left
but you didn't. So I just wanted to let you know
that...things will be different.

GABRIELLE
You promise?

HAGAR
Oh yes.

GABRIELLE
Then you'll do the dishes.

Gabrielle smiles.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sturgina and Crabella are in the pool at the club.

INSTRUCTOR
Come on girls, let's pick it up. Now down the back.
Let's go. Instructor's watching. Let's go. That's it.
You're doin' good. Come on. In, out. In, out.

STURGINA
We need a new plan.

CRABELLA
Oh right 'cause you're last two worked so well.

STURGINA
Question, how do you deal with you excessive skanktitude?

CRABELLA
Oh yeah? Well I'm not the one with "Open all night"
monogrammed on my underwear.

STURGINA
You've been looking through my closet?!

CRABELLA
Truth hurts, don't it?

STURGINA
Oh maybe you're right.

CRABELLA
I am?

STURGINA
Not about me! About the truth. We can't tell Crustacea
the truth or Hagar will hate us. But if she got her
memory back...

CRABELLA
Then she'd leave him! And Hagar would be mine.

STURGINA
Cut bait and sail on sister. Hagar is mine.

CRABELLA
Whatever.

INSTRUCTOR
Come on. Let's go! And push. And lift. And push.
And let's go now. Come on, pick it up! That's it.
Come on. Whoo!

Crabella and Sturgina smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coral Gardens. Hagar has his hand over Gabrielle's eyes.

HAGAR
Don't look.

GABRIELLE
Come on.

HAGAR
Don't look. D-you're gonna ruin it if ya look. Okay.
All right now you can look.

GABRIELLE
It's beautiful.

HAGAR
Ya like it? It's the coral gardens. It's where I asked
you to marry me.

GABRIELLE
Thank you.

HAGAR
For what?

GABRIELLE
For having a learning curve. Hagar I never dreamed
you could take me seriously but you have risen
to the occasion.

HAGAR
You have no idea. You know? I should thank you
because I am always at my best when I'm around you.

GABRIELLE
I wish I could remember this place.

HAGAR
Maybe you don't have to. Crustacea-

He kneels.

HAGAR
-will you marry me?

Gabrielle looks at the ring.

GABRIELLE
Hagar I, um, we're already married.

HAGAR
I know. But I want us to start over again. You know?
Like we did at the tidal pool.

GABRIELLE
We can begin again?

HAGAR
Yes.

He kisses her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pool at the club. There's a large heart in the water, with mermaids around it.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER (voice-over)
You must be awfully proud of yourself, eh Hagar.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagar stands with the Council Member/Minister in a white suit with a fish tie.

HAGAR
Sir?

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
Stroke of genius. Renewing your vows so close
to the election. The other candidates are kicking
themselves they didn't think of it first.

Music starts. Gabrielle enters in a white dress.

STURGINA
You sure you switched the drinks?

CRABELLA
Positive.

Gabrielle joins Hagar.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship.
It is the foundation upon which love is built.

HAGAR
(to Gabrielle) There's something I have to tell you.

GABRIELLE
Are you nervous? I am. We've done this before.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
The rock on which it is-

HAGAR
Well that's exactly what I want to talk to you about.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
-no real love, no serious commitment, one heart
to another, each beating as one.

Gabrielle looks at a decoration that looks like Xena's chakram.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Succession."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle looks down. Sturgina and Crabella smile. Gabrielle touches her forehead and then looks at the mermaids in the water.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Fins, Femmes & Gems."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding. Gabrielle clears her throat.

HAGAR
Are you okay?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
And so if there's anyone present who sees any
reason why these two should not be joined in
holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Gabrielle closes her eyes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Sacrifice II," "Chakram" and "A Family Affair."

XENA
Gabrielle?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding. Gabrielle pulls off the veil.

GABRIELLE
I can't do this. I can't.

HAGAR
What?

GABRIELLE
I am not Crustacea. I'm Gabrielle.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

The Council Member/Minister closes the book.

COUNCIL MEMBER/MINISTER
Hagar? What's the meaning of this?

GABRIELLE
You pig! Why did you lie to me?!

HAGAR
I, um, my wife is divorcing me and I was so
concerned with being council president that I--I
lost sight of what was really important. Being a
good husband.

GABRIELLE
Mm, hm-m. So you thought I could just take her
place and then you could climb the corporate
ladder, huh?

HAGAR
Yeah. No. I did yes, I did at first. I did at first. But
then I realized when I was making you happy, I
was happy. I'm sorry. When I told you I...I wanted
to marry you that was for real. And I'm sorry I
didn't tell you sooner.

CRABELLA
Whatevuh! The point is you two ain't gettin' hitched.

STURGINA
Mm-m-m-m-m. Seems like a shame to waste
the minister and the cake, wouldn't you say?

CRABELLA
My thoughts exactly! I guess it's time to choose.

HAGAR
Choose what?!

STURGINA
Your new wife!

GABRIELLE
My best friends, huh?

CRABELLA
Hey it's not our fault you don't know a good thing
when you see it.

STURGINA
So who's it gonna be Hagar?

CRABELLA
Um, before you decide you should know that
Sturgina snores like an asthmatic walrus.

STURGINA
You should also know that every member of the
council knows exactly what the top of Crabella's
head looks like, if ya get my meaning.

CRABELLA
That's it!

Sturgina and Crabella have a cat fight.

STURGINA
I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna make you insane!
Get off of me!

The bouncers pull them apart.

EXTRAS
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

EXTRA
Easy.

CRABELLA
Shut up!

They are forced back into their seats.

EXTRA
Stay there.

HAGAR
Look after what I did to Gorb, uh, Gerbil, uh...

GABRIELLE
Gabrielle?

HAGAR Gabrielle...I'm gonna spend some time alone and
figure out how to make it up to her.

STURGINA
I'm sorry Hagar but we just can't allow that to happen.

CRABELLA
That's right. If we can't have him, no one will.

STURGINA
No! Come back here!

Crabella and Sturgina run towards them.

HAGAR
I'll handle this.

STURGINA
He's mine!

GABRIELLE
Allow me.

CRABELLA
Did not!

STURGINA
Out of my way fish food!

Gabrielle fights tips Crabella. The crowd cheers.

FLIPPER
Come on! Nail them whoever you are!

Gabrielle fights Sturgina.

FLIPPER
Yeah!

GABRIELLE
What's a bloody nose among friends?

STURGINA
I'm going to enjoy taking that ring off your severed finger!

Crabella runs at Gabrielle from behind, but Row jumps and knocks her into the pool. She screams. Gabrielle fights Sturgina and then knocks her into the cake. The crowd cheers.

GABRIELLE
If you wanted my finger, all you had to do was ask.

Gabrielle holds up her middle finger. A black box with the word "CENSORED" appears over her finger.

STURGINA
Ew-w-w-w-w!

Crabella holds two clubs. Gabrielle sees two women wearing sais in their hairs.

GABRIELLE
Perfect! A-ha!

She takes the sais.

GABRIELLE
Thanks!

Gabrielle fights Crabella. Gabrielle kicks Crabella into Sturgina and the both fall into the cake.

STURGINA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h!

The crowd cheers.

STURGINA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Sturgina attacks Crabella. The bouncer rolls his eyes and moves over to them.

STURGINA
I'm gonna kill you!

EXTRA
All right!

The bouncers pull Sturgina and Crabella apart and take them away.

EXTRA
Whew!

Row sighs. The crowd claps and cheers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later.

FLIPPER
Sorry about all the tricks we played on you.

GABRIELLE
It's okay, I understand. Look, never lose your
sense of humor okay?

FLIPPER
I'll miss you Lady whoever you are.

GABRIELLE
Me too. Urchin your curiosity is gonna take you
many places.

URCHIN
What?

GABRIELLE
That's very funny. (to Row) And you little lady...you
have shown me that I have more patience that
I ever dreamed that I had.

Gabrielle kisses her tentacle and tickles it.

GABRIELLE
(whispers) Miss you.

Gabrielle stands and looks at the boys.

GABRIELLE
Listen, I need to talk to your dad for a minute.

HAGAR
Go on.

The kids leave. Gabrielle starts to take off the ring.

GABRIELLE
I think you should have this.

HAGAR
No, no, no. Look, I...if--if there is anything I can
do to make it up to you I will.

GABRIELLE
Actually there is something you can do.

HAGAR
Okay name it.

GABRIELLE
You go your wife, your real wife, and you show
her what you've shown me.

HAGAR
(whispering) 'Kay.

GABRIELLE
That behind the sexist, corporate-climbing,
self-centered, lazy, stupid-

HAGAR
Okay I--I get it. I get it.

GABRIELLE
There's a man with integrity who learned from
his mistakes.

HAGAR
Okay I can do that.

She moves to hand him the ring.

GABRIELLE
Here.

HAGAR
No. No you, um, you can keep it. It'll be something
to remember us by. Besides it looks better on
you than it does on me so...

He kisses her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle is lying on the docks. Joxer gives her mouth-to-mouth.

JOXER
O-oh.

Gabrielle reaches up, pulls him down and kisses him.

JOXER
Hm-m-m. Hm-m-m-m-m. Heh.

Gabrielle wakes up.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing?

JOXER
Well, apparently, just what you've always wanted.

Gabrielle punches him.

JOXER
Ooh! Ooh!

Joxer moans. Xena enters.

EXTRA
Come back here!

XENA
You wanna tell me som'in' Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
What a weird dream.

APHRODITE
You almost drowned! You were out for like a
whole minute!

DISCORD
Thanks to this lemon tart.

APHRODITE
Aren't you late for your delousing?

DISCORD
Right, that's it!

XENA
Ladies you wanna take this someplace else?
Unless you want a taste of my new chakram.

DISCORD
Olympus. Three o'clock. Be there.

APHRODITE
Ah! I can't wait! Your black eye'll match your
outfit perfectly.

Aphrodite disappears.

DISCORD
Huh!

Discord disappears. Eve cries.

XENA
Oh-h-h. Oh-h-h-h-h-h. It's all right.

GABRIELLE
Can I? Can I try?

XENA
I don't know. You sure you're all right?

GABRIELLE
Better than ever.

XENA
All right. Okay. Sh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.

Xena hands Eve to Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Sh-sh-sh-h-h-h-h-h-h.

Eve stops crying.

GABRIELLE
I have a new story for you. This woman fell into
the deep blue sea and she found herself in
another world.

Gabrielle walks off. The ring is on her finger. Xena smiles and follows. Joxer stands and follows them.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Crustacea
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Ted Raimi as Hagar
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Alexandra Tydings as Crabella
Meighan Desmond as Discord
Meighan Desmond as Sturgina
Rupert Simmonds as Flipper
Joseph Main as Urchin
Don Linden as Council Member/Minister
Steve Cleary as Instructor
Jim Ngaata as Pirate

Written by: Kevin Maynard
Directed by: Paul Grinder

Disclaimer: No Sea Nymphs or other Denizens of the Deep were harmed during the production of this motion picture.