Send in the Clones


TEASER

Night. Alexis waits on a dark dirt road. A car drives up and flashes its lights. Alexis gets out and walks over to Gillis. He hands her a briefcase which she opens to reveal Xena's chakram and under that, a single strand of blonde hair and a single strand of black hair together in a vial.

ALEXIS
Two thousand-year-old hair samples perfectly preserved.

Gillis nods. Alexis shuts the case and takes it. She hands Gillis a wallet. He opens it to reveal a wad of cash.

ALEXIS
It's all there.

GILLIS
(whispering) Thanks.

They each head back to their cars.

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Clips from "Them Bones, Them Bones."

ALTI
What's it gonna be, Xena?

XENA
All right, you win. You give me my child's soul and
I will take you back to my world.

ALTI
Tsk-tsk. First, you take me back then you get your child.

XENA
The ritual's already begun. All you have to do is take
my hand.

ALTI
I knew you'd see things my way. Now, the real
fun starts.

The image pauses.

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Polly, Lea and Mac are watching "Them Bones, Them Bones." The home is covered in Xena merchandise (both from Creation and from the set of Xena: Warrior Princess).

POLLY
You know? I just loved everything about this episode.

LEA
Yeah, that's a good one. We should definitely
include that. You know, it's important we have clips
that strongly represent Xena's enemies.

The phone rings.

MAC
Shouldn't we have some more Joxer stuff?

POLLY
You're kidding, aren't you?

The phone rings again and again, no one moving to answer it.

LEA
Could someone get that phone?

Mac answers.

MAC
Y'ello.

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Alexis' lab.

ALEXIS
It's Alexis.

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Xenite home.

MAC
(whispering to others) It's her.

He stands and Polly and Lea sit up, paying attention now.

MAC
Yes, Alexis?

The screen splits into two frames, one Mac, one Alex.

ALEXIS
Phase one is complete. Have you compiled the clips?

MAC
Uh, uh, they're almost done.

ALEXIS
They need to be on digital discs. When we transfer
there can't be any dropping of-

MAC
Alexis, uh, this is my field. I'm the computer nerd,
remember? I know what I'm doing.

ALEXIS
Do you have a balanced selection?

MAC
Personally, I'd like to see more Joxer stuff.

ALEXIS
Look, any disagreements will be settled by Lea.
She's working with us because of her knowledge
of psychological profiles. You'll defer to her.

MAC
All right.

ALEXIS
And the rest of the team? Has it come together?
Do you have Dr. Polly?

MAC
Yes.

ALEXIS
Great. Three of you meet me here in seventy-two hours.

MAC
Okey-dokey.

They each hang up. Mac's side of the screen goes away, leaving Alexis in the lab.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
City.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polly, Mac and Lea run into Alexis' lab. Lea is wearing the Gabrielle scroll, season five shirt, Mac is wearing a non-existent Joxer shirt and Polly is wearing the "Love is a trick natures plays to get us to reproduce" shirt.

LEA
Well, did it work?!

MAC
Please, tell us what we want to hear, Alexis!

POLLY
The DNA in the hair, was it...

ALEXIS
Everything we hoped for. Maturation acceleration
worked beyond my wildest dreams. Now, see
for yourselves.

Clones of Xena and Gabrielle lay naked on slabs, their chest and pelvises covered by the clamps that are holding them up. The Gabrielle clone has long hair.

LEA
I'm gonna cry.

Polly sighs.

POLLY
Awesome.

MAC
Cool.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Lab.

ALEXIS
Physically, the clones are complete. Now we just
need to use the clips to bring them to life.

Polly stands between Xena and Gabrielle. Mac touches one of Xena's legs and Alexis slaps his hand.

LEA
So, your man in Macedonia really came through, huh?

Lea touches Gabrielle's hair and Alexis takes her hand away.

ALEXIS
He promised me two strands of hair from the tomb
of the scrolls and he delivered. My carbon testing
shows the hairs to be between two and three thousand
years old.

POLLY
Two ancient Mycenaean heroes alive in the Twenty-first
century. From here on, the world will be a better place!

ALEXIS
If we can wake them successfully. Right now, they're
just clones of the originals. Xena and Gabrielle's
memories and personalities are dormant.

MAC
Yeah, but they're great to look at just the way they are.

LEA
Don't be a male cliché. You telling me you're
excited by looking at lifeless female forms that
have no mind or personality?

MAC
Yeah.

ALEXIS
The disks?

MAC
Oh, sure.

He picks up a bag. Behind Alexis are four screens stacked together. A screensaver with a dancing "Xena" is on it.

MAC
I gotta be honest with you, though. Gab fan here
loaded this first one up pretty heavily with Gabrielle stuff.

POLLY
Yeah, you'd think all they did was sit around in
baths and at campfires emoting.

LEA
I included other things, but I feel very strongly
that Gabrielle is the most important relationship
in Xena's life.

MAC
If you start talking about subtext, I'm gonna barf.

POLLY
We're not bringing her back to life to counsel the
lovelorn. She's gotta be able to kick ass!

MAC
Yeah, but Joxer is just-

ALEXIS
Uh.

POLLY
Xena without-

ALEXIS
We'll settle this later. Polly? Could you prepare
the clones for download, please?

POLLY
Oh, okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wires are run to the clones.

POLLY
All set.

LEA
Let's start with the official video salute to Gabrielle!
To the tune of Bette Midler's, "Wind Beneath My Wings."

MAC
Whoa, they need a wake-up call, not sleep-aids.

ALEXIS
Let's start with Polly's selection.

LEA
But, Gabrielle is more important than Xena's
fighting skills.

ALEXIS
In the overall picture, sure, but she's a warrior,
first and foremost. Use Polly's selection.

Mac hits a few buttons. The screens play clips as one large image. Clip from "Chakram."

POLLY
Ha, ha.

Clip from "Chakram."

POLLY
Pow! Whoo-hoo! Hoo!

Polly laughs. Clip from "Eve."

XENA
Give it your best shot.

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Clip from "Eve."

XENA
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

LIVIA
Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-yah!

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Polly frowns and looks over at the clones as the clips play on the screens. She looks back to the screens.

POLLY
Whoo-hoo!

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Clip from "Motherhood."

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Xena clone.

XENA (voice-over)
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-she-

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Clip from "Amphipolis Under Siege."

XENA
-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

LEA (voice-over)
Oh-

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Lab.

LEA
-she looked so dangerous in this.

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Clips from "One Against an Army" and "The Way."

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Lab.

MAC
See, that one? I loved that one.

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Clip from "Heart of Darkness."

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Lab.

LEA
That's not a-that's not a stunt double, that one.

They watch a clip from "Heart of Darkness.

XENA
Your kingdom awaits!

MAC
That one.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Heart of Darkness."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab. Polly looks at the clones and then moves over to them. She presses a button on the monitor.

POLLY
They're not responding. No R.E.M. no synaptic
or adrenal reactions.

Alexis turns off the clips.

MAC
Hey what'd you stop it for?! That was rockin'!

LEA
She needs a dose of Gabby. That'll jump-start
her heart.

MAC
Heart-schmart. Maybe we're goin' about this all
the wrong way. Maybe we need a more hands-on
approach. What about a bit of cardiac massage?

LEA
He could be right. Or mouth-to-mouth.

POLLY
Maybe what you two need is a bucket of cold
water, or your asses kicked.

LEA
Think about the fun they had together. The baths
they shared.

Lea moves over to the computer and starts to punch a few buttons.

MAC
If you're talkin' about their special relationship, I'm
into that. Just let me watch.

Mac takes over at the computer.

ALEXIS
Uh, you know what? I think that's it for today. If we
download too much they...they could go crazy.

POLLY
When they wake up, they'll need clothes. I ordered
their costumes from the catalog. I'll bring 'em
in tomorrow!

Polly laughs, then Lea does.

LEA
I can't wait to dress them!

Polly, Lea, Mac and Alexis leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
City.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that night, someone sneaks into the lab and removes Gabrielle's hook-up from the downloads. The person then puts in an "Evil Xena #1" CD in the computer. "Evil Xena" flashes on the screens. A clip from "Destiny" plays on the screen.

XENA
You'll be dead in thirty seconds. But know this,
you won't be the last. Tell Hades to prepare himself.
A new Xena is born tonight...with a new purpose
in life. Death.

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Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II."

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Xena clone.

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Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II."

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Xena clone.

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Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II."

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Xena clone.

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Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II."

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

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Xena clone. Her face twitches. On the screen, a clip from "The Debt" plays.

XENA
I say...kill 'em all!

The Xena clone's face twitches some more. On the screen, clip from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode "Armageddon Now II."

XENA
Put her on the cross.

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Clip from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode "Armageddon Now II."

XENA
Break her legs.

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Xena clone.

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Clip from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode "Armageddon Now II."

GABRIELLE
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena clone snarls.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Lea enters the lab with Alexis. Lea wears the "Friendship" shirt.

LEA
I know Gabrielle was always a fast learner.

Polly and Mac have dressed Xena and Gabrielle in their season six outfits. Gabrielle's hair has been cut. Polly is wearing the "Chicks kick ass" shirt.

LEA
Oh, no! You cut her hair! I wanted her to have long
hair, like classic Gabby!

MAC
Only in the reruns, Babe.

He hands her the hair which she holds to her nose. Mac moves over to the computer.

MAC
That's strange.

ALEXIS
What?

MAC
Uh, there's a download in here that I didn't do.
Let's have a look at it.

He pulls up the image on the screens, fast forwarding through clips from "Destiny," "The Debt" and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode "Armageddon Now II."

MAC
I didn't compile this footage.

ALEXIS
Those are all evil Xena images. Somebody must've
gotten into the computer after we left. How did
that happen?

They pause the image. Polly moves over to the monitors attached to the Xena clone.

POLLY
Her life signs have elevated. Something's had
an effect.

MAC
They're--they're gonna wake up soon. We-we
better get them ready.

LEA
Yeah, but which Xena's gonna wake up?

Mac starts to polish the Xena clone's breastplate.

LEA
The power-hungry warrior, motivated only by blood
lust and hate?

ALEXIS
I would, uh, get my hands off of her boobs.

Mac backs up.

LEA
This is serious. If Xena's been watching that tape
all night, she could've suffered deep trauma. I'm
telling you, we should feed both her and Gabrielle
my Gabby tapes to repair the damage.

ALEXIS
Yes. The Gabrielle tapes are essential now.

They all move over to the computer.

MAC
Okay, bringing up Gabrielle footage.

On the screens, a clip from "One Against an Army" plays.

GABRIELLE
Take me with you. I want so much to be like you.

XENA
And I want to be like you.

Polly looks to Lea who is smiling. On the screens a clip from "The Way" plays.

GABRIELLE
Eli? I failed my first test.

ELI
It's hard, the way of love. It may not be right for you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "The Way."

ELI
But if you choose to follow it you must do so with
all your heart. You'll fail more than once.

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Lab. Mac scratches his eye through his glasses. There are no lenses. A clip from "The Way" plays on the screens.

ELI
But don't give up hope.

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Clip from "The Way."

ELI
In the end, you'll redeem the world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab. A clip from "The Way" plays on the screen.

XENA
I'm sorry I took you so far from your truth.

GABRIELLE
Don't be sorry. Xena...do you think I could have
understood the power of selfless love if it weren't
for our friendship?

Polly turns off the footage.

POLLY
Enough with the lovey-dovey crap! You're putting
'em back to sleep.

LEA
I actually agree with you. Even Gabrielle herself
needs a sense of her mission. Download Polly's
Gabrielle selection.

Mac presses some buttons.

MAC
Loading...Gabby's action footage.

A clip from "The Ides of March" plays on the screens.

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Clip from "The Ides of March."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab.

POLLY
That's more like it.

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Clip from "The Ides of March."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab.

MAC
(whispers) Boom.

Polly is smiling.

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Clip from "The Ides of March."

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Lab. Polly laughs.

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Clip from "The Ides of March."

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Lab. Lea watches.

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Clip from "The Ides of March."

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Lab. A clip from "The Ides of March plays on the screens. The image is paused.

ALEXIS
We need more positive input into Xena to counteract
those evil images - a scene showing the consequences
of her dark past. Bring up that one.

Mac presses some buttons. A clip from "A Necessary Evil" plays on the screens.

XENA
Some call me the Warrior Princess. Some call
me "Murderer." Many years ago, there was a village
called Cirra.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "A Necessary Evil."

XENA
It was a village just like yours - small and--and
prosperous, full of life...until a day that my army
came. Until the day that I came...destroyed it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "A Necessary Evil."

XENA
Under my orders, my men...they sacked the village-

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Lab. The Xena clone flinches.

XENA (voice-over)
-burned the houses-

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Clip from "A Necessary Evil."

XENA
-and killed every living thing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab. The Xena clone raises an eyebrow.

XENA (voice-over)
Everything was destroyed-

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Clip from "A Necessary Evil."

XENA
-including the soul of one young, innocent girl,
who will never be able to reclaim her childhood-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab. A clip from "A Necessary Evil" plays on the screens.

XENA
-and will never know what the Fates had planned
for her if not for me.

POLLY
I wonder if that was such a good idea. Seeing
Callisto again's only gonna make her blood boil.

The Xena clone flinches as they talk.

LEA
A campfire scene. We need a nice campfire scene
with Gabby, like the one from series two, ep. eleven,
just before the second act break.

The Xena clone opens her eyes.

MAC
Duh! The campfire scene in that episode was in
the teaser.

POLLY
It was not!

ALEXIS
Come on, guys.

The Xena clone takes the wires off of her head and looks at them in confusion. (She will be referred to as Xena from this point on and the Gabrielle clone as Gabrielle).

ALEXIS
Could we give it a break?

LEA
Besides, the classic was series four, episode
seven, when she does that-

MAC
Series four.

LEA
-poignant little insight into her character as she's
taking her boots off as she sits by the campfire.

MAC and POLLY
She kept her boots on!

Xena throws the old chakram that was hanging from her side.

XENA
Ye-e-e-e-e-yah!

Xena catches the chakram and returns it to the clip, but it breaks. Alexis smiles. Polly, Lea and Mac stand perfectly still, their backs to the clones. Xena walks up behind them and puts the Pinch on Mac.

XENA
I've just shut off the flow of blood to your brain.
You'll be dead in thirty seconds unless you tell
me what's going on.

Mac looks at his watch, timing the Pinch.

LEA
Um...Xe...Xe...um...

Xena looks at her.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

The lab.

ALEXIS
All right, everybody, stay calm.

MAC
I--I--I gotta be honest with you, I'm not calm.

Gabrielle wakes up.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

XENA
Gabrielle. (to others) All right, you'd better start talking.

ALEXIS
We've reproduced you exactly as you existed two
thousand years ago. It's a process called cloning.
Welcome to the future.

Mac is timing how long he has until the Pinch kills him.

MAC
Come on.

GABRIELLE
Xena, shouldn't you take the Pinch off him?

Xena takes the Pinch off of Mac who coughs.

LEA
Um, how much do you remember?

MAC
She remembers the Pinch pretty good. Hey! I
just got pinched by Xena!

GABRIELLE
Did Ares do this?

ALEXIS
No, a higher power called science.

XENA
Why have you brought us here?

LEA
Because we need heroes, now more than ever. Look.

They bring up news footage on the screen of fires, riots and people shooting guns.

LEA
These are the kind of things that happen in our
world every day - violence, civil unrest, crime, it's
everywhere and it's getting worse all the time.

POLLY
We need someone to go out there and kick butt.

XENA
You got the right girl for that.

MAC
She can kick my butt any day.

LEA
Um, we--we're hopin' you would kick butt for good.

MAC
Oh, it'd be good.

Lea hits him.

POLLY
He's gross.

XENA
We're hungry. Got any food?

LEA
Yes. Yes, we do. Here.

Lea holds out a box of doughnuts.

MAC
They're, uh, sort of like chakram, but you can eat 'em.

Mac has one on his finger. He takes a bite and then holds it out to Xena, still on his finger.

LEA
Sugar and fat.

POLLY
They're delicious.

LEA
Mm-m-m-m.

Xena licks the doughnut.

MAC, LEA and POLLY
Mm-m-m.

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Xena, Gabrielle, Lea, Polly, Mac and Alexis are watching a clip from "Sins of the Past." Xena has a pizza in her lap and a slice in her hand, while Gabrielle is drinking a shake. On the screens, clips from "The Prodigal" play.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
The loving friends we meet on our journey-

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Clips from "A Good Day," "The Lost Mariner."

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
-return to us...time after time.

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Gabrielle watches the screens.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "Is There a Doctor in the House?" and "A Day in the Life."

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
We never die, because we were never really born.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle watches the clip and laughs. Xena eats her pizza and burps quietly. Polly is staring at Xena.

POLLY (voice-over)
Xena could kick Jackie Chan's ass. Jet Lee - no
contest. If Bruce Lee were to come back from
his grave, Xena'd kick his ass, too.

Mac looks at Xena and Gabrielle.

MAC (voice-over)
Oh, man they're hot and you know, after two thousand
years, they've gotta be horny. I see 'em lookin' at
me and there's no competition. I'm gonna be their
first twenty-first-century man.

Lea looks at Gabrielle.

LEA (voice-over)
The others almost ruined everything with their macho
discs. I know, after lights out, I'll play 'em a full
season of old "Ellen" episodes. Yeah.

Xena and Gabrielle watch as a clip of them kissing from "Return of Callisto" plays on the screen. Gabrielle looks at Xena with an odd look. Xena smiles.

XENA
All right.

A clip from "Return of the Valkyrie" plays on the screens.

XENA
That's not how it happened. I woke you up before
I went to Valhalla, right?

GABRIELLE
That's how I remember it. You're right.

POLLY
Wow. Your memories are of the real Xena and
Gabrielle, not just the ones we programmed you with.

LEA
Yeah, that was the plan - to stimulate their latent
memories.

MAC
So, what do you guys think of the show?

XENA
I like the one who plays me. She's kinda sexy.

GABRIELLE
What about this writing, Xena? I mean, it's not
exactly Euripides. They have taken liberties with
my scrolls.

XENA
Yeah, and what are they tryin' to say about our
relationship, anyway?

GABRIELLE
Who knows?

MAC
Xena, um...you know, uh, you and Ares - uh, did
you, um, ever, you know, well...did you, um...

XENA
Get a life, pervert.

GABRIELLE
Now, now, Xena.

Xena stands and the pizza box falls off of her lab. Gabrielle stands with her. "Return of the Valkyrie" plays in the background.

XENA
Now I have to use it to undo the evil it has caused.

Xena and Gabrielle talk aside to each other.

XENA
All right, Gabrielle, what's next?

GABRIELLE
Well, look, they want heroes, right? We find a
mission. We do some good.

XENA
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-she-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

XENA
That old greater-good thing? I don't know. It kinda
doesn't appeal this time around.

Xena points to Gabrielle's chest.

XENA
Oh, you got some sugar and fat.

Gabrielle looks down and Xena taps her with her finger.

GABRIELLE
Hey!

XENA
I always wanted to do that.

Xena moves off.

XENA
Oh, and, uh, Gabrielle, if that pork starts talkin'
back to ya, they got a whole room back here
designed for the whole purpose of relievin' yourself.
Way-hey!

Xena walks out.

GABRIELLE
A whole room?

ALEXIS
Gabrielle, um, can I speak frankly with you?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

ALEXIS
I'm a little concerned that we may have woken
up the evil Xena.

GABRIELLE
Is that what's wrong with her?

ALEXIS
Mm-m-m. (to Xenites) Why don't you guys take
care of Xena and I'm gonna get Gabrielle up to speed.

Alexis and Gabrielle leave. Polly, Mac and Lea sit down and continue watching "Return of the Valkyrie."

XENA
Grinhilda, listen to me. You weren't always this way.

Mac picks up a piece of crust from the pizza Xena was eating and sticks it in his shirt pocket.

XENA
It was my actions that turned you into this beast.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle and Alexis are outside.

GABRIELLE
Wow. It's so big.

ALEXIS
Yeah, it sure has changed, huh?

Police sirens.

ALEXIS
This is her. She broke into the lab dressed as
some kind of, uh, television character. I think she's
a bit of a loony.

GABRIELLE
What is going on?

POLICE OFFICER #1
Miss, some identification?

GABRIELLE
What?

POLICE OFFICER #1
Look, if you're not gonna cooperate, lady, I'm afraid
we're just gonna have to take you in.

GABRIELLE
No, wait a minute - look, I don't know what ridiculous
story she told you, but for your information she
cloned me from a strand of hair she found two
thousand years ago.

POLICE OFFICER #1
All right, she's a loon. Let's take her. Come on.

Gabrielle draws her sais. The Police officers draw their guns.

POLICE OFFICER #1
Drop your weapons.

ALEXIS
I'd do what they say, Sweetie. You saw what those
weapons can do in the videos we showed you?

Gabrielle remembers her past.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "The Abyss" and "Livia."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena is asleep in front of the screens. Mac, Lea and Polly watch.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Callisto."

JOXER
You wanna fight, huh? Fine with me. Ow-w-w-w-w!

Clip from "Back in the Bottle."

JOXER
O-oh! O-oh!

Clip from "Callisto."

JOXER
Gotcha now!

GABRIELLE
Hopeless.

Clip from "Sacrifice II."

JOXER
It's funny.

Clips from "Callisto."

JOXER
That does it! I'm gonna rip you apart with my bare hands!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lab. Mac wakes Xena up.

MAC
Do you think that's an accurate characterization
of Joxer?

XENA
Yeah, pretty much. Don't remember him being
that smart, though.

Alexis enters.

ALEXIS
Xena, I am so sorry, but Gabrielle has been arrested.

LEA
How can that happen?!

ALEXIS
There was nothing that I could do. The police-

XENA
What's "Police"?

ALEXIS
Uh, the local warlords. They confiscated her sais
and then they took her!

XENA
Took her where?

ALEXIS
To the city jail, out the front door, to the left, two
miles down the road.

XENA
(whispering) Right.

Xena heads out.

MAC
Are you insane? You're encouraging her!

ALEXIS
Xena, wait!

Alexis pulls out the chakram.

ALEXIS
You might need this.

She throws the chakram to her.

XENA
My chakram...the real thing.

ALEXIS
Yes, it is.

XENA
(whispering) Got it.

Xena leaves.

LEA
Have you lost your mind?! You've just set her on
a course that'll bring her into direct conflict with
the authorities!

POLLY
And where did you get that chakram?

MAC
You know, I'm beginning to think there are a few
things you haven't told us.

Alexis transforms into Alti. Explosions go off on the screen behind her.

ALTI
Yes. A few.

MAC, POLLY and LEA
Alti?

The screens show a clip of Alti from "Between the Lines." Mac, Polly and Lea nod.

Mac, POLLY and LEA
Alti.

Alti laughs.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Lab. The screens behind Alti show static.

MAC
But why?

ALTI
Well, I'd spent countless incarnations enjoying
the fact that Xena's reputation as a do-gooder
was lost for eternity. After she died, I hid the scrolls.
And I thought I could just sit back and enjoy the
unchecked evolution of evil on Earth. It's really
hit a few high points in the last century. But then
this hideous TV show starts celebrating her as a
defender of righteousness. Well, we'll see how
long that reputation lasts.

The screens play a news report.

NEWSWOMAN
Reports are flooding in of a reign of terror sweeping
through the downtown area. A woman dressed
like the television character, Xena, Warrior Princess,
has broken into the city jail and freed another
woman dressed as Gabrielle, the Warrior
Princess' sidekick.

LEA
She's plenty more than just a sidekick.

NEWSWOMAN
Our cameras are trying to catch up with the
rampaging abductee-

POLLY
Would you give that stuff a rest?

NEWSWOMAN
-but witness are shaken.

Caption: Bob Eastwick Corrections Officer

CORRECTIONS OFFICER
We got concussions. We got broken bones. We
got blood on the floor. Crazy chick. She's got the
strangest damn round weapon, kind of like a frisbee.

Alti laughs.

NEWSWOMAN
The public is warned that this woman is armed
and highly dangerous, and should not be approached
under any circumstances.

Alti sighs.

ALTI
I couldn't have written it better myself.

LEA
You cloned an evil Xena to discredit her.

ALTI
Ah, you catch on fast.

NEWSWOMAN
Eyewitnesses describe her leaping from car to
car leading to high-speed collisions and multiple
pile-ups.

ALTI
Xena wasn't always an angel in the early days-

NEWSWOMAN
-state and local-

ALTI
-but she gets twenty-two episodes of a TV show
and everyone thinks she's a great hero. Well, they'll
soon know the real truth.

NEWSWOMAN
Swat teams have been mobilized.

ALTI
And once she's alienated herself from everything
good, decent, she'll follow me and together we'll
rule the world. (chuckles) Let's go.

The Xenites don't move. Alti glares at them and they gasp and run.

LEA
Go.

POLLY
Why didn't you try to stop her?!

Alti follows.

MAC
You stop her! Ah-h!

NEWSWOMAN
-lawlessness.

Caption: Edwin B. Stalter Animal Enthusiast.

SURFER DUDE
Okay, well, I was just like, uh, watchin' my giraffes
and, uh, and then Xena turns up, and it's like, it's
her, man, it's [BLEEP]ing her! And it's like, there's
cops all over the place, you know? And - but Xena's
just like, "Whee-ha!" And then she's like, "H'yah!"
You know? She totally [BLEEP]ing deals with the
heat, man. But then she just jumps the fence, lands
on the back of this crazy-ass, like, horse. She's
[BLEEP]ing gone. It was awesome, man. You know,
Xena's hot, too, you know?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle are in a junk yard. The workers are fleeing. Xena is wearing protective eye and ear wear while she uses a power sander to finish up the sword she is making.

GABRIELLE
What is that?!

XENA
What?!

GABRIELLE
What are you doing?!

Xena turns off the tool.

XENA
I'm making me some new weapons.

She picks up gun.

XENA
These things are hopeless in hand-to-hand comb-

She accidentally fires the weapon down. A cat meows.

XENA
See what I mean?

She tosses it over her shoulder and it goes off again.

XENA
And these?

She holds up a rubber sword.

XENA
Merely toys.

Xena picks up her new sword.

GABRIELLE
Xena, you could have killed someone at the city dungeon.

XENA
They had you locked up. What did you want to do?
Rot there the rest of your life?

GABRIELLE
You know, we can't just w-

XENA
If they want trouble, they're gonna get it.

Alti roars in, in her red sports car. She steps out. The Xenites are in the back seat.

ALTI
I hear you've been busy, Xena.

XENA
Alti.

ALTI
Missed your fire, your fury.

GABRIELLE
Don't listen to her.

XENA
Huh?

ALTI
Remember what we used to have, Xena?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade."

ALTI
Help me and I'll make you the Destroyer of Nations.

Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II."

XENA
All right, I delivered.

ALTI
You did, indeed.

Clip from "Past Imperfect."

XENA
I am the Destroyer of Nations.

Clip from "Adventures in the Sin Trade."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard. The Xenites get out of Alti's car.

ALTI
Remember the thrill of conquest you had, hm-m-m?

She ooks at Gabrielle.

ALTI
Before she came into your life?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "The Rheingold."

XENA
Ya-a-a-ah! She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard.

GABRIELLE
Don't listen to her.

ALTI
Doesn't her little voice remind you of her betrayal?

Gabrielle shakes her head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "The Debt."

GABRIELLE
I'm sorry, Xena. I couldn't let you do this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard. Xena looks at Gabrielle.

XENA
(whispering) You.

ALTI
What her lies did to your son.

XENA
My son.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Maternal Instincts."

XENA
Solan? Solan? Hey...hey, Solan. Solan.

GABRIELLE
Xena? No. No. No.

XENA
Get out.

GABRIELLE
Xena-

XENA
Go! Solan. Solan...please. I'm here, now. Your
momma's here. Just like you always wanted.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard.

ALTI
And how much you enjoyed avenging that deed, huh?

Xena is snarling at Gabrielle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clips from "The Bitter Suite."

GABRIELLE
Xena!

XENA
Vengeance!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard.

XENA
Why did you bring her back?

ALTI
Well...consider her my gift to you, Xena.

Alti shoves Gabrielle over to Xena.

GABRIELLE
(whispering) Xena.

The Xenites are watching from behind Alti's car.

GABRIELLE
Xena, you weren't like this in the end. Think of
what we accomplished. Think of the good that
we did for the world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Past Imperfect."

XENA
Come on! Move!

GABRIELLE
Get down!

EXTRA
Where's my little girl?! Where's my little girl?!

GABRIELLE
Xena!

EXTRA
Ah-h!

XENA
Kid, come here. Come on.

Clip from "Amphipolis Under Siege."

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-a-la-la-la-la-la-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard.

XENA
(whispering) Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Xena, the good that we did for each other.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Sacrifice II."

GABRIELLE
After all we've been through I am with you 'til the end.

Clip from "One Against an Army."

XENA
When I reach down inside myself and do things
that I'm not capable of, it's because of you.

Clip from "A Family Affair."

XENA
You talk about trying to find your way, but to me,
you are my way.

Clip from "The Ides of March."

XENA
I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right.

GABRIELLE
Xena, you've brought out the best in me. You saved
me, Xena.

Clip from "The Abyss."

GABRIELLE
But I'm a part of you. I want it to be like that forever.
I love you.

Clip from "Sacrifice II."

XENA
You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be
a part of me forever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junk yard. Xena snarls, shoves Gabrielle out of the way and attack Alti.

XENA
Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!

Gabrielle moves over to the Xenites.

GABRIELLE
Let's go!

MAC
Mom!

They run off. Alti gets into her car and starts trying to run Xena over with it.

XENA
For an old bird, you sure move fast.

Xena flips over the car.

XENA
Shee-yah!

Xena is hit by the car and goes flying over it. Alti crashes. A live wire is knocked loose. Alti looks for Xena.

XENA
Hi-i-i-i-i-yah!

Xena can be heard running on top of the car. She drops down beside the driver's side window.

XENA
Hah.

She reaches into the window, punches Alti and then pulls her out and tosses her. Xena moves to attack Alti who picks up the wire and holds it in front of her, trying to hit Xena with it. Xena jumps up.

XENA
Hi-i-i-i-i-i-yah!

Xena kicks Alti who lands under a crane that is holding a car in the air. The wire hits Alti's car which starts to spark, charged with the electricity.

ALTI
Nice move, Xena. You'll make a great sidekick.

XENA
I'll give you "sidekick."

Xena throws the chakram which cuts the wire holding up the car. It lands on Alti. Xena catches her chakram and moves over to the car.

XENA
Alti? (whispering) Alti.

Alti is suddenly behind Xena.

ALTI
Nice work, Xena. Haven't lost your touch.

She shoves Xena. They fight. Alti punches Xena and sends her flying into the air.

POLLY
Runt!

Polly stands and starts marching over to Alti.

GABRIELLE
Wait! No!

Polly marches before Alti.

POLLY
Now you'll have to deal with me.

Polly shows some moves. Alti hits her across the face and Polly falls down unconscious. Xena and Alti battle once more. Xena knocks Alti back onto a car and then flips over to her.

XENA
Hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-yah!

Xena flips.

XENA
Hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-yah!

She lands and kicks Alti. The fight continues. Alti grabs Xena and starts to shove her back towards the car. Xena drops and rolls onto her back, launching Alti with her leg. Alti hits the car.

ALTI
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h! A-a-ah! A-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h!
A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-
a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Alti is fried. A spark hits some oil which lights on fire. Gabrielle and the Xenites are hiding behind "Flammable Liquid" barrels.

XENA
Ru-u-u-u-u-u-u-un!

She runs over to them.

XENA
Come on! Let's go!

Gabrielle follows Xena, but the Xenites don't more.

XENA
Now!

The Xenites run over to Xena and Gabrielle.

XENA
Come on.

Xena holds her hand out, ready to boast them out. Lea moves over to Xena and Mac pushes through.

MAC
Look out! Look out! Look out!

LEA
Hey!

Mac is boasted up, then Lea and then Polly. The fire moves closer. Gabrielle wraps her arms around Xena and Xena closes her eyes. The barrels explode. The Xenites look down from where they are, but there is no sign of Xena or Gabrielle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polly, Lea and Mac walk along.

POLLY
There was nothing left of them.

LEA
I guess clones just break up easy.

MAC
Well, maybe it was for the best. I mean we were
messing with nature.

LEA
Are you kidding? We had the greatest heroes in
history here and now they're gone.

POLLY
You know? To be honest, I--I was a bit disappointed
anyway. I mean, they just seemed to be so much
more dynamic on TV.

LEA
On TV, yeah.

POLLY
Yeah.

A cab drives by. Xena and Gabrielle are in the backseat. They click wine glasses together and drink. The Xenites don't see them.

MAC
Hey, do you guys think they're gonna believe us
at the conventions?

LEA
You kidding?

POLLY
Not a chance.

MAC
Hey, we could do someone else. You know? I--I've
got some of Dr. Spock's toenails at home, from
when I was a Trekkie.

LEA
You were a Trekkie?

MAC
Yeah?

LEA
You really are a nerd.

MAC
Hey, I'm--I'm not--not proud of it, okay?

The cab with Xena and Gabrielle drives off down the road.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Claire Stansfield as Alti
Claire Stansfield as Alexis
Alison Wall as Lea
Ian Hughes as Mac
Polly Baigent as Polly
Paul Norell as Gillis
Elizabeth Hawthorne as Newswoman
Barnie Duncan as Surfer Dude
Jennifer Rucker as Police Officer #1
Patrick Kuhtze as Corrections Officer

Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Charlie Haskell

Disclaimer: No Xena fans were harmed during the making of this motion picture.