Soul Possession


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


TEASER

Ocean.

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Xena and Joxer walk to the edge of a cliff, overlooking the ocean.

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Xena and Joxer look down at the ocean. Xena holds a blue bottle and Joxer holds a scroll.

XENA
Okay, hand it over.

JOXER
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why don't we just
destroy it?

Joxer tries to rip the scroll in half, but he can't.

XENA
You can't. It's a binding agreement in every sense
of the word. Ares made it. Only Ares can destroy
it. Our best bet is to hide it someplace he isn't
likely to find it. The Ionian Sea is famous for having
caverns that go for miles. That's a lot of ground
for him to cover. Come on.

JOXER
Okay. Wait a minute. If we can't destroy it-

He pulls out a second scroll and starts to wrap the one Ares' made inside the second.

JOXER
-maybe we can disguise it.

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h, the old scroll-within-a-scroll routine.

JOXER
Oh, yeah.

XENA
I buy that.

Joxer shoves the scrolls into the bottle.

XENA
Wish me luck.

JOXER
Good luck.

Xena jumps off of the cliff.

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

Xena dives into the water.

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Two divers surface, holding the blue bottle.

DIVER
Our treasure-hunting days have finally paid off.
Someone's gonna pay top dollar for this baby.

They get in their boat.

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A convention hall. On the platform is a poster for C.H.A.K.R.A.M: Center for Historical Accuracy Key Research in Ancient Mythology. Roxanne Fields tapes the microphone and clears her throat.

EXTRA
No one's sitting here.

ROXANNE FIELDS
Excuse me?

EXTRA
Shh, shh, shh.

ROXANNE FIELDS
If everyone would get settled in, we will begin the
press conference. Please take your seats, everybody.

The room is filled with press. 'Rob Tapert' is sitting in the crowd.

EXTRA
Go ahead.

ROXANNE FIELDS
Please, sit down. Thank you. Take your seats.
Thank you very much. You can sit down now.
Thank you. Thank you all for coming! Uh, we
have a lot to cover, so I'll turn you over to Dr.
Frederick Delaney of C.H.A.K.R.A.M. Laboratories.

She claps and so does the crowd. Dr. Fredrick Delaney moves up to the microphone.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Good afternoon, colleagues and members of the
press. It is with great excitement that I address
you this afternoon. A most revolutionary discovery
has recently been made.

He holds up a scroll.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
I hold in my hand a newly uncovered scroll-

Xena Fan #1 and Xena Fan #2 enter quietly. Xena Fan #1 is wearing the Xena and Gabrielle in New Scroll T-shirt and Xena Fan #2 is dressed like an Amazon, although her top has the "Xena: Warrior Princess" logo on it.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-of the life of Xena, Warrior Princess.

The audience cheers and pictures are taken.

EXTRA
Yes!

XENA FAN #1
New scrolls, means new episodes!

XENA FAN #2
Yeah! Season seven!

XENA FAN #1
Yeah! Season seven!

XENA FAN #2
Yeah! Season seven!

XENA FAN #1
Rob Tapert, give us what we want! Deliver a new
season, a seventh season of Xena!

Guards grab them.

XENA FAN #1
Get off of me!

Guards throw them out.

ROXANNE FIELDS
Please excuse that interruption, ladies and gentlemen.
Please continue, Doctor.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
This scroll reveals a new piece to Xena's life.

EXTRA
O-o-o-oh.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Xena was married...to Ares, God of War.

Random Reporter gets on his cell phone.

RANDOM REPORTER
Doug, we got tomorrow's front page.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

The crowd murmurs.

WHOOSH REPORTER
Barb Binder from Whoosh. As webmaster of the
official Xena fansite I happen to know Xena would
never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage.

RANDOM REPORTER
And wasn't Ares her most reviled enemy?

ROXANNE FIELDS
We'll field all questions and comments after Dr.
Delaney is finished. Now, please? Let him continue.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
The scroll includes a contract between Xena
and Ares, with an accompanying story, which
supports our theory, that it is indeed a marriage
license between the two. Now, the timeframe of
the story places it after Gabrielle, and her evil
daughter, Hope, seemingly perish, after falling
into a lava pit.

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Clip from "Sacrifice."

GABRIELLE
Hope!

XENA
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h! Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Xena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
As we saw in the scroll entitled-

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Convention Hall.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-"Adventures in the Sin Trade II," upon looking
for Gabrielle in the Amazon land of the dead-

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Clips from "Adventures in the Sin Trade II."

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
-Xena received a vision from her enemy, Alti which
convinced Xena that Gabrielle was still alive.

XENA
Gabrielle, you're the best thing in my life.

GABRIELLE
I love you, Xena.

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Convention hall.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
This new scroll accounts for the missing time
between Xena receiving the vision and her finally
finding Gabrielle. (opens the scroll) Our story
begins as Xena rides away from the Amazon land
of the dead with new hope that Gabrielle is still
alive. Joxer, still in the throes of mourning over
the loss of Gabrielle taken to drink.

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Joxer is drinking in a tavern. Xena enters.

JOXER
Oh, hi.

XENA
Turn that frown upside down, Mister. It's a beautiful morning.

JOXER
Well, Xena, in case you didn't notice, I'm in a different
kind of mourning.

XENA
Oh, how many have you had?

JOXER
Just...two.

He holds up four fingers.

XENA
All right, it's time for you to sober up. You don't
want Gabrielle seeing you this way. She's alive.

JOXER
How do you know?

XENA
I had a vision.

JOXER
Oh. You had a vision. She had a vision! You know,
Xena, denial ain't just a river in Europe.

XENA
The Nile's in Africa.

JOXER
It's that long?

XENA
Joxer!

JOXER
She's gone! Nobody can survive that fall.

XENA
All right, if you wanna sit here and drink yourself
into oblivion, be my guest. But I'm going out to find
our friend, you big drunk.

JOXER
Hey, I'm not drunk. If I were drunk could I do-

He puts the cup on his helmet, balancing it.

JOXER
-that?

XENA
Evidently.

JOXER
If I were drunk could I do this?

He starts to dance, but falls.

JOXER
Ow!

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Xena and Joxer walk along. Joxer is drunk.

JOXER
(singing) In Athens fair city
The girls are so pretty.
Just like Molly Polonius.

XENA
Watch your step.

Joxer trips and burps.

JOXER
O-oh!
(singing) I'm Joxer the Mighty.
I roam through the countryside.
With Gaby as a sidekick.
Fighting with her little stick.
(crying) She ain't got no little stick no more!

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Convention Hall. Annie is taking notes.

ANNIE
Pardon me. Pardon me.

She sniffs.

ANNIE
Uh, Annie Day, editor-in-chief of the "Joxer the
Mighty Quarterly."

Xena Fan #1 and Xena Fan #2 sneak back in.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Yes, Miss Day.

ANNIE
Well, as one of the world's top experts in Joxer
the Mighty studies, I think that I can throw some
light on this new scroll thing. See, once again,
it appears that someone wants too-

XENA FAN #2
Hey, that's that broad who discovered she was
Joxer in a previous life.

ANNIE
I have a point of clarification.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
All right.

ANNIE
Well, I'm afraid that your version of events is, in
fact, spurious. From my research, I have ascertained
that it was indeed Joxer, who initiated the heroic
search for Gabrielle and it was indeed he-

She sighs.

ANNIE
-it was he who pulled Xena out of the drunken stupor.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
No, that's inaccurate, Miss Day. From my research
on all the Xena scrolls, I can assure you that Joxer,
never once flexed a heroic muscle.

EXTRA
Thank you very much.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Now, please sit down, Miss Day?

She sits.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Thank you.

ROXANNE FIELDS
At this time we'll take a short break and reconvene
in a few moments.

Annie lowers her head into her lap and sobs. Someone throws a balled up paper at her.

ROXANNE FIELDS
You'll find coffee in the lobby.

Xena Fan #1 and Xena Fan #2 sit behind Annie.

XENA FAN #1
Hey. Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding
out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?

ANNIE
Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play
him was a goofball, that's all. He was the producer's
brother, for crying out loud!

XENA FAN #2
At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gabby
in a past life. We can't lay claim to anything that
cool. Hey, speaking of the Warrior Princess and
the bard, what happened when your boyfriend
Harry found out he was Xena in his past life?

XENA FAN #1
And that your past-life counselor was none other
than his beloved sidekick Gabrielle?

ANNIE
They got hitched.

XENA FAN #1
Decent. Xena and Gabby, finally a couple.

XENA FAN #2
Wait till we tell the rest of the fans.

XENA FAN #1
Yeah.

They link arms.

XENA FAN #1 and XENA FAN #2
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

They leave, laughing.

ANNIE
(crying) But I read his scrolls.

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Joxer and Xena. Joxer is holding a scroll.

JOXER
See? I decided to carry on Gabrielle's legacy. I'm
the bard, now.

XENA
Go on. Read it.

JOXER
(reading) "As the innocent Gabrielle, plummeted
to her fiery doom, Joxer, the ultimate warrior watched
in horror, his muscles bulging one after ano-

Xena takes the scroll from him.

XENA
(reading) "And the light played on his steely, sun
kissed buttocks."

JOXER
Pretty good, huh?

XENA
Gabrielle, where are ya, now?

JOXER
She's gone. And where are we goin', anyway?

XENA
Back to the temple where she disappeared.
Maybe we can pick up her trail from there.

JOXER
Oh, that's a great idea. Hey, maybe she left some
breadcrumbs for us to follow.

XENA
Joxer, Gabrielle is alive and you're gonna help
me find her whether you like it or not. Now, stay
here. I'm gonna hit the ladies'.

Xena leaves.

JOXER
Hey, why don't you hit some kids, too?!

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Xena leans against a tree once she is out of Joxer's site.

XENA
Gabrielle, we're not doin' so good without you.
But I'm gonna keep looking till I find you, I promise.

Ares appears.

ARES
What's happening?

XENA
Nothing that concerns you.

ARES
Oh, you'd be surprised. Ooh, uh, picked up a little
something on Gabrielle.

XENA
You're spying on me now?

ARES
No. No, I...I'm just worried you're still holding out hop-

He holds his hand to mouth in surprise.

ARES
Guess that was a poor choice of words.

XENA
What do you want?

ARES
You don't seriously think you're gonna find anything
in the lava pit, do you?

XENA
Why should you care?

ARES
Oh, I care. Trust me.

XENA
Ares, you are as much to blame as Hope for Gabrielle
falling into that pit.

ARES
Now, let's not go pointing fingers. Besides, you
might be on to something. Gabrielle still alive?
It's possible. But you're gonna need the help of
a friendly god.

XENA
I don't need you.

ARES
Oh, admit it. With my powers I can cover a thousand
times the ground you can alone. If Gabrielle is out
there somewhere I'm your best bet for a speedy reunion.

XENA
Why the sudden helping hand?

ARES
Well, over the years we've caused each other a
lot of grief and I th--h--h--hink that's because I
couldn't express my true feelings.

XENA
What are you driving at?

He gets on one knee.

ARES
Will you marry me?

He smiles. Xena sneers.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

ARES
Come on. Don't leave me hangin'. Will you be
my wife?

XENA
How's this for an answer?

Xena kicks him.

ARES
So you're saying you need more time, right?

XENA
Um...no.

She spin-jumps.

XENA
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Sheeee-yah!

She lands before him.

ARES
Oh, so no, y--you don't need more time.

XENA
I despise you. You've been tormenting me for years.

ARES
That? That was just foreplay.

They fight.

ARES
Oh! Oh, that'll leave a mark! Xena, I'm on the level,
here. I can't get ya outta my head or my heart.

Xena attacks him again. They each hold each other by the throat.

XENA
Let me help you with that.

They fight again.

ARES
You know, the harder you fight, the more enflamed
my passion becomes. What do I have to do to
show you I'm serious?

XENA
Die.

ARES
Well, sadly, I'm a god. I know! A wedding gift.
Say...Gabrielle.

XENA
So, she is alive.

ARES
Well, I won't know till I start looking. And I'm not
gonna start looking 'til I have a good reason.
Come on, Xena. Becoming Mrs. God of War is a
small price to pay to find her. You might even
enjoy it. In fact, I know you will.

XENA
You give me one reason to trust you.

ARES
Well, that is true. I do have a reputation as something
of a trickster. I'll tell you what. Just to show you I'm
serious, I'm gonna go out on a limb, here. I'll marry
you in front of the Fates.

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Xena and Joxer.

JOXER
What's the big deal with the Fates?

XENA
A marriage in front of the Fates makes the bond
eternal and unbreakable.

JOXER
So, that's good how?

XENA
To betray your spouse is to betray yourself. Ares
couldn't harm me or anyone else I care about
without harming himself. But I don't get it. What's
he up to?

JOXER
Takin' advantage of your deranged state, obviously.

XENA
No, I have complete control of my faculties.

Xena catches a fly.

JOXER
I'm takin' you to a grief oracle.

XENA
I'll give you grief. You know, at least Ares is prepared
to admit that Gabrielle is alive, which is more than
I can say for you.

JOXER
Are you seriously considering marrying Ares?

XENA
I will to whatever it takes to get Gabrielle back. Yes.

She moves off. Joxer sighs and follows.

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Moon. Wolf howls.

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Camp. Xena sleeps.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Xena. Xena.

XENA
Is somebody there?

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
It's me - Gabrielle.

XENA
Gabrielle?

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Convention hall.

ACADEMIC
Uh, how could Gabrielle have shown up? That
defies the logic of the following scrolls.

XENA FAN #2
Yeah. Xena and Gaby don't meet up until "A Family
Affair." What kind of Brooklyn Bridge are you tryin'
to sell us today?

EXTRA
Yeah.

EXTRA
What's up?

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Oh, where were we? Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Xena heard
Gabrielle whisper to her.

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Xena's camp.

GABRIELLE (voice-over) and DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
Xena.

XENA
Gabrielle. Where are you, Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
I'm in your heart where you must keep me.

Xena sees Joxer's bedroll is empty.

XENA
Hm-m-m.

Xena stands and moves off into the woods.

JOXER and GABRIELLE (voice-over)
And don't bother looking for me because I can't
be found. I'm gone.

Xena enters behind Joxer. Joxer is speaking into a rolled up scroll.

JOXER and GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Um, just like in that one scroll that I wrote that
time with the-when I fought that guy with the big
stick an'-

Xena taps him on his shoulder. He looks back at her.

JOXER
Just a minute, Xena.

Joxer turns back to the rolled up scroll.

JOXER and GABRIELLE (voice-over)
And if Joxer wants a drink-

Joxer turns and looks at Xena. Xena takes the rolled up scroll and puts it on his head like a dunce hat.

XENA
Idiot.

Xena moves off.

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Mattie and Harry drive up to their home. Harry screeches the tires.

MATTIE
Nice driving, Dear.

HARRY
Thanks, Pumpkin.

Mattie sighs.

MATTIE
Oh, that was the most fabulous vacation since
our honeymoon.

HARRY
Yeah.

Mattie sighs.

MATTIE
Ha-ha and I thought that nothing could top that.

MATTIE and HARRY
R-r-r-r-r-reow!

MATTIE
Wasn't it fascinating how being in Greece brought
back our lives as Xena and Gabrielle?

HARRY
Yeah, except I shouldn't'a had those two goat-cheese
milkshakes.

MATTIE
Is my little Warrior Princess' tummy still bothering him?

HARRY
Mm-hm-m-m-m-m.

He farts.

MATTIE
Whew! Home at last.

She looks at the mail.

MATTIE
Uh, trash. Junk. S and M cata-ooh. Hm-m. There's
a letter here from C.H.A.K.R.A.M.

HARRY
What's it say?

She opens it and starts to read.

MATTIE
It's a conference. Aah, blah, blah, blah. They found
a new scroll in the Ionian Sea. Something about
a radical interpretation. It's today. The conference
is today.

HARRY
If that scroll is what I think it is, the world could
be in a lot of trouble. Come on, Pumpkin. Let's go.

They get back in the car and drive off.

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Night. Xena stands out in the woods.

XENA
Ares? Ares, I have your answer.

Ares appears.

ARES
You certainly took your sweet time.

XENA
I was weighing up the pros and cons. It wasn't a
very balanced list. The truth is I just don't think we'd
look right together on top of a wedding cake.

ARES
Just as long as you look right on top of me.

XENA
Don't get ahead of yourself.

ARES
Xena, come on. What's it gonna be?

XENA
Ares, I would do anything to get my friend back.
So, yes...I'll marry you.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

He moves over to her.

ARES
What say we skip right to the honeymoon?

She stops him.

XENA
Wouldn't wanna ruin your appetite.

ARES
You won't regret this, I promise you, Xena. So, I
guess we should discuss China. What do you
want? The North, the South? I'm easy.

XENA
I don't want your assets, Ares. But I do have one
small demand for our wedding day.

ARES
Name it.

XENA
I want the ceremony to take place at the lava pit.

ARES
Where Gabrielle died? Kind of morbid, don't you think?

XENA
No, I think it's fitting. I should be as close as
possible to the one person in the world I meant
to spend the rest of my life with as I give myself over
to the one person in the world I would never choose.

ARES
I know what this is. Pre-wedding jitters. All brides
get 'em.

He exhales.

ARES
Okay, you can have your fairy-tale wedding, Xena.
Well, I gotta go break it to the folks. Can you imagine?
Zeus, and Hera are gonna be your in-laws.

He scoffs and disappears.

XENA
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.

Xena moves off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Village.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joxer is in a tavern. He takes a drink and clears his throat.

JOXER
Ares, show yourself! Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty,
command you to show yourself! Hey, Jelly-Butt, get
down here!

Ares appears and Joxer falls over.

JOXER
Ah-h-h-h-h! Ooh-h! Uh!

Ares laughs.

JOXER
Eh-heh.

ARES
So tell me why I shouldn't kill you.

JOXER
Did I say "Jelly-Butt"? I meant, uh, uh, "Buns of
steel!" It's a good thing you showed up, too.

ARES
"Showed up?" For what?

JOXER
Well, this is your last night as a single guy, right?

ARES
What?

JOXER
Your bachelor party, ya big lug.

He laughs.

JOXER
Ta-da-a-a-a-a-a!

Miss Athens enters and moves over to Ares.

JOXER
Mi-i-i-i-iss Athens. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h. Thirty-six,
twenty-four, thirty-six. She loves Greek mythology,
kids and hopes one day all men can be brothers.
Next we have Miss Mesopotamia.

Miss Mesopotamia enters and moves over to Ares.

JOXER
Ah-h-h-h, an oasis in the desert. Wouldn't you like
to take a little dip in that? Hm-m? Hmm-mm-mmm.
And finally you'll fall for Miss Gaul.

Miss Gaul enters and moves over to Ares.

JOXER
Ah-h-h-h-h, too much for the Roman Empire to
handle, but not too much for the God 'o War.

ARES
This is it?

JOXER
Well, on short notice, ya--you know how it is?

ARES
(to the women) Blow.

EXTRAS
Oh-h!

ARES
Am-scray.

EXTRA
Uh.

EXTRA
Hm-m-m.

They leave.

ARES
You honestly thought that you'd con me out of
marrying Xena with this--this fistful of harlots?
You know what? I got a prenup to sign.

He clucks.

JOXER
W-w-w-w-w-wait! There's more. Heh-heh.

He whistles.

JOXER
Savin' the best for last! Got a sweet tooth?

Two men pull in a giant cake.

JOXER
You like baklava? Here's three more layers of
pure delight. Bite into this delicacy and it may
bite back. And that's a good thing. Heh-heh.

Meg jumps out the cake wearing nothing put whipping cream on her breasts and pelvis. There is also a cherry on top of each whipping cream pile on her chest.

MEG
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-hah-h-h-h-h!

Ares is shocked (he thinks it's Xena).

JOXER
Heh-heh-heh-heh-

Joxer turns and sees Meg. Now he is shocked.

JOXER
Oh!

MEG
(singing) Who's my little bubba?
My little bubba?
Who's my little bubba?
Ka-chookie-chookie-chookie-chookie.
(speaking) Give me an "A"! "A"!
Give me an "R"! "R"!
Give me an "S"! "S"!
Give me an "E"! "E"!
Whaddya got? Go-o-o-o-o-o Ares!

JOXER
Meg!

MEG
(whispering) Joxer.

ARES
Who's Meg?

JOXER
Uh-uh-uh.

Joxer runs over to Meg who kisses him.

JOXER
It's a--a fr--friend. Heh-heh.

MEG
A very good friend.

JOXER
Yeah.

ARES
I'm outta here.

He snaps and disappears.

JOXER
No! No-no! No! No-o-o-o-o!

MEG
Ya know what? I'm cookin' in here. I need som'in'
to wet my whistle.

He hands her a small bottle.

JOXER
Try that.

MEG
Thanks.

JOXER
Hey, what's with this whole cake thing?

MEG
Well, I needed a way to earn a few extra dinars.

She puts some whip on her finger and sticks it in his mouth.

JOXER
Mm-m-m-m.

MEG
What do you think?

JOXER
Banana cream. My favourite.

MEG
Mm-m-m-m-m.

JOXER
You know? A classy lady like you shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna take you away from all this.

Joxer takes a swig from the bottle.

MEG
You are?

JOXER
Yeah.

MEG
Well, what happened to your other good friend Gabrielle?

Meg takes a swig.

JOXER
Oh, her? Haven't you heard? She's dead.

MEG
I'll drink to that.

Meg takes a swig.

JOXER
Can't you see I'm grieving here?

Joxer takes a swig.

MEG
Well, sorry, Babycakes, but dead is dead. Can't
change that.

JOXER
No, but I can try.

He leaves.

MEG
Hey, wait a minute! These cherries cost five dinars
a bushel!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Convention Hall.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Of course, we at C.H.A.K.R.A.M., were immediately
concerned about the authenticity. We weren't
interested in promoting a hoax like the Hitler diaries-

Harry and Mattie enter.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-or the fan fiction which pretends to be based on
legitimate scrolls. We consulted the world's
foremost experts-

Harry and Mattie sit down behind Annie.

HARRY
Annie.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-and-

MATTIE
We thought you might be here.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-Nikos-

ANNIE
Harry-

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-expert in Greek-

ANNIE
-and Harry's ho' - what are you doing at the press
conference?

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
RJ Stewart was considered the last-

ANNIE
I'd like to see some credentials, please.

HARRY
Look, Annie I know you're still a little upset about
what happened between us, but you've gotta listen
to me or we could all be in serious danger

ANNIE
What are you talking about?

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-and the writing styles-

HARRY
I know enough about what happens in that scroll
to know how it turns out.

ANNIE
Well, don't ruin it for me. I hate it when people blab
the spoilers.

MATTIE
Annie, you don't understand. There's a very real
possibility that Ares might show up here.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-spiritual quest-

ANNIE
Ares? You mean, "God of War" Ares?

HARRY
None other. And if my instincts are correct, he's
bound to make an appearance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares blazes down the road on a black motorcycle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares blazes down the roar on the motorcycles. Flowers wilt as he passes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena is dressed in a wedding gown. She holds the veil and looks in a mirror. She is sitting on a bed, when there's a knock at the door.

JOXER
(is heard from outside the door) It's, uh, it's Joxer.
Are you decent?

XENA
I don't know about that. Come in anyway.

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Wow. You look really beautiful. Um...despite the
bleakness of the situation, I mean. Look, Xena, is
there nothing I can say to make you not marry Ares?

XENA
I don't know what else to do, Joxer. Look...you
don't have to stay for the ceremony. You won't be
letting me down.

JOXER
If you're gonna go through with this, you must
really believe Gabrielle's alive, huh?

XENA
I do. Yes.

JOXER
Okay, then, so do I. Won't need this anymore.

He tosses the bottle and it breaks.

JOXER
I'm sorry I was such a downer.

XENA
I guess we all deal with loss in our own way.

Joxer moves over to her.

JOXER
Um, look, I know this is a marriage made in Hades-

He sits.

JOXER
-but I figure we don't have to abandon every tradition,
so, here.

He hands her a lock of hair.

JOXER
Something old. It's a lock of Gabrielle's hair. It's--it's
weird, I know. I--I got it when she got her hair cut
last time and I want you to have it.

XENA
I don't know what to say.

JOXER
And, um, something new.

He holds up a pink daisy.

JOXER
I picked it this morning. First bloom of the season.
Something borrowed - something borrowed, uh,
oh, I know, my lucky rabbit's foot. I'm sure it will
bring you more luck than the rabbit I chopped it
off from.

XENA
I guess we need something blue now, huh?

JOXER
That's easy. That's me.

Xena hugs him.

XENA
Everything's going to be fine, Joxer. I promise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple. Thunder claps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. The Fates stand before Ares, who turns as Xena enters in her wedding dress. Organ wedding music starts to play. Xena moves over to Ares and joins him.

ARES
You are absolutely breathtaking.

XENA
Yeah? Then how come you're still breathing?

CLOTHO
We have been called here today, to witness the
union, of this god, Ares-

Joxer enters.

CLOTHO
-and this mortal woman, Xena.

ATROPOS
The union which, Ares and Xena, are about to enter
into shall be eternal and unbreakable by gods or
mortals. Any breach of their vows will result in
anguish for both.

LACHESIS
In the name of Zeus, do you, Ares, God of War,
take this mortal woman, Xena, for your eternal partner?

ARES
Yes. Yes, I do.

LACHESIS
And in the name of our mother, Goddess Hera,
do you, Xena of Amphipolis, take Ares, God of War
for your eternal partner?

She pauses.

XENA
I do...not. That's a promise I just couldn't keep.

Xena runs off.

JOXER
You tell him, Xena! Xena, you're--you're running
the wrong way!

ARES
Well, this is embarrassing.

JOXER
Deal's off, Ares. Let her go.

Ares runs after Xena.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena runs to the pit Gabrielle jumped into.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "Sacrifice."

XENA
Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE
Xena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

XENA
Gab-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temple. Xena holds the scroll.

XENA
I'm coming, Gabrielle.

Ares enters.

ARES
Don't tempt the fates, Xena.

XENA
The honeymoon is over, Ares.

She jumps.

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-
e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

Joxer enters.

JOXER
Xena. No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

The fire rises up.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

JOXER
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Joxer draws his sword.

JOXER
Now you've taken away both my best friends, my
only-the only people I know!

ARES
Right.

JOXER
Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

Joxer charges him, but Ares disappears. Joxer runs into a pole and falls down.

JOXER
O-oh!

Joxer is knocked out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena falls. Ares appears in mid-air and catches her. He shakes his head. They disappear.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares and Xena appear in the woods.

ARES
Get cold feet?

XENA
More like I got an idea. One that paid off. You know,
it always bothered me that you didn't intervene to
save Hope. She was carrying your baby, after all.
Then you showed up acting all interested in my
search for Gabrielle and I knew you had to have
something to do with it. I'd just have to play along
with your little game to expose the truth.

ARES
So, what exactly did you uncover, Xena?

XENA
You saved me from the fall, Ares. There's no way
you didn't do the same thing for Hope. A wedding
in front of the Fates - that was a nice touch. That
way, you could prevent me from finding Hope
and killing her. But you didn't just save Hope, did
you? You saved Gabrielle as well. Yes. You thought
she'd make a good bargaining chip knowing that
she was the only thing in the world that could induce
me to make a deal with you.

ARES
That is some detective work and you were close,
real close, but not quite. See, Gabrielle made a deal
with me. In exchange for saving Hope's life, she
offered me her soul. Yeah, you're right. It is quite
a bargaining chip. Unless we cut a new deal.
So...I have Gabrielle's soul. What could you possibly
have that I would exchange for that?

XENA
You want my soul.

ARES
That could work. I let Gabrielle live but you must
be my wife in your next life. And I guess, seeing
as how it was one of those in-front-of-the-Fates
kind of deals, that would be forever? Eternity.

XENA
And you would let Gabrielle and me live out this
life in peace.

ARES
Okay. Sounds like a deal. 'Cause you know, she'd
do it for you.

Xena hands him the scroll.

ARES
O-op, thumbprint right here on the bottom line.
Thank you.

Xena touches her thumb to the scroll and it glows.

ARES
That didn't hurt, did it? And there it is, my free-access
pass to your soul. And as long as I have this,
you're pretty much mine.

Ares starts to walk off.

XENA
Wait! The other half of the deal. I don't see Gabrielle.

ARES
Oh, I let her go, but you gotta find her. I can't do
everything for ya.

XENA
Oh, I'll find her.

ARES
Just out of curiosity - what would 'a happened
here today if I'd really been asking for your hand
in marriage, no strings attached?

Xena kisses him.

XENA
Guess you'll never know. Hm-m.

ARES
(hi-pitched) Call me?

Ares snaps and disappears. Xena holds the scroll she swiped from Ares when she kissed him.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
Xena made off with the contract.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena swims.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
She hid it inside another scroll-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena surfaces and climbs up the cliff to join Joxer.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
-the one I've been reading from the one that was
authored by Joxer and hid it at the bottom of the
Ionian Sea to prevent Ares from claiming her as
his bride in an afterlife.

Joxer hands Xena a small rag.

JOXER
Here.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
As we know, Gabrielle and Xena were reunited
in Poteidaia.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip from "A Family Affair."

XENA
(whispering) Gabrielle? Hey--y--y. Oh, sweetheart.
I'm so sorry.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY (voice-over)
And I am happy to say that Ares never did locate
the scroll-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Convention Hall.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
-we got to it first!

Dr. Fredrick Delaney holds it up and the crowd cheers and claps. The doors burst open and Ares rides in. Cameras roll and pictures are taken.

EXTRA
Look this way! Look this way!

Ares takes off the helmet.

ARES
First, second? What does it matter? It's mine now.

He chuckles.

ROXANNE FIELDS
Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Well, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was
too much money.

MATTIE
Harry was right.

ANNIE
Matching the thumbprint on the contract is all
Ares needs to claim Xena as his own.

MATTIE
Where the hell is Harry?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry is on the toilet. He farts.

HARRY
Dear, God! Not again! Oh-h-h-h-h!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Convention Hall.

MATTIE
Come on.

Ares makes the bike disappear. Mattie and Annie step in front of him.

MATTIE
Hold on, Man.

ARES
Oh, sidekick and the comic relief. This oughtta
be good.

MATTIE
I don't appreciate being called the sidekick.

ARES
Don't blame me.

ANNIE
Listen, Mr. Harbinger of doom, we're not gonna
let you get away with this.

ARES
Okay.

He hits them and sends them flying. He moves over to Dr. Fredrick Delaney, who is holding the scroll and shaking.

ARES
Hey there. May I?

Ares takes it.

ARES
Thank you. Leave quickly.

Dr. Fredrick Delaney runs off.

DR. FREDRICK DELANEY
Ah-h-h-h-h-h! Hel-l-l-l-lp! Hel-l-lp me!

Harry enters, Xena in control.

XENA
Hold it right there, Ares.

ARES
Xena! Just in time. I have been waiting an eternity
for this. I guess this makes me your (as James Brown)
heh! O-oh! Good God! (normal voice) soul man.

He laughs.

ARES
Once I renew my signature.

XENA
Over my dead spirit. She-e-e-e-yah!

She starts to flip down the aisle.

XENA
A-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-sh-e-e-e-e-yah!

She lands before Ares and moves to punch him, but Ares catches her hand.

XENA
Oop.

Ares punches him and he falls back, Annie and Mattie catching him.

MATTIE
Harry? Harry.

ANNIE
Wake up.

MATTIE
Xena?

Annie pokes him.

ANNIE
Hey.

Ares puts his thumb against the contract. Xena's soul rises out of Harry's body and growls at Ares. Joxer's soul rises out of Annie.

ARES
Xena's soul in that body for an eternity? This I did
not bargain for. I want Xena's soul in Xena's body.
All right! Everybody gets their proper souls back.

Ares uses his powers and Joxer and Xena's souls change places.

ARES
Let's try that again.

Ares puts his thumb on the contract. Xena's soul rises out of Annie and Annie stands and merges with Xena's soul. Xena is now in control of Annie's body.

ARES
Now that I can live with forever. Hey, Sugar.

Xena takes off Annie's glasses.

XENA
Oh, no, you're not taking this body. This one works
much better. She-e-e-e-yah!

Xena flips over to him and she and Ares fight. Ares sends her flying.

ARES
To the moon, Xena!

Mattie moves over to him, Gabrielle now in control of her body.

ARES
Hey, I was just wondering, Gabrielle, what's it like
to have the person who gave up her life for you
just lose hers forever?

Gabrielle grabs a pole and fights Ares. He sends her flying into some chairs. Joxer, in control of Haryry's body, attacks.

JOXER
Uh. Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Ares grabs him.

ARES
You would strike a man from behind?

Ares uses "Three Stooges" moves on Joxer.

JOXER
Ow!

Ares throws him.

JOXER
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-h-h-h-h-h! Wait, not the-

Joxer's head goes through a wall.

JOXER
Oh! Ow.

Xena stands.

XENA
Workin' out the bugs.

Xena grabs a sword and Ares has one as well. They fight. Xena flips.

XENA
She-e-yah!

Xena kicks him in the head and knocks him off of the stage.

ARES
Oh, Baby, is that any way to treat an old flame?

XENA
It's time this flame was extinguished.

He shoots a fireball and she flips over it.

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

Xena lands before him and they fight. Ares knocks Xena back into the stand on the stage. Gabrielle tries to get up from the pile of chairs she landed on.

GABRIELLE
Oh-h-h-h-h. Ah-ah-ah-ah-h-h-h-h.

Xena picks up a scroll.

XENA
(reading) "Sun-kissed buttock."

It's Joxer's. She tosses it and grabs the contract. Ares moves over to Xena.

XENA
Haaa!

They fight. Ares shoots a fireball at her. It hits the sword and breaks it into several pieces. Ares grabs her by the throat and holds her off of the ground.

ARES
You love it, right? Yeah.

Xena kicks him and he goes flying.

ARES
Who-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oa!

JOXER
Oh, no. I'm stuck! Ah-h-h-h!

Xena runs at Ares. Ares shoots a fireball and she flips.

XENA
She-e-e-e-yah!

ARES
Come on!

Ares shoots a fireball, but she's still flipping and he misses.

XENA
Come on, Ares!

Ares stands. Xena lands and then runs up a wall.

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

Ares fires twice and misses her. Xena lands.

XENA FAN #1
Hey! What's wrong with the special effects?

XENA FAN #2
Yeah, they're really cheesy.

ARES
Stay right there.

Ares fires. Xena moves to the side and holds out the contract which the fireball hits, burning it.

ARES
Un-freakin'-believable!

Gabrielle gets up.

XENA
Ares made it. Ares destroyed it. Guess this means
you ain't got no soul. Ow!

ARES
You might 'a won the battle, Xena - but I'll win the
war. Until next time, Xena.

XENA
Oh, you think there's gonna be one?

He kisses his fingers and disappears. Joxer pulls himself free and falls.

XENA
Joxer.

Xena moves over to him.

XENA
Joxer. Joxer. Come on. Are you all right?

Xena helps him up.

JOXER
Fine, fine. It's just my head.

Gabrielle joins them.

GABRIELLE
Xena, no matter how hard Ares has tried, he has
never been able to break us up.

XENA
And he never will, I promise.

Xena holds her and they move off.

JOXER
Yeah, because-

Joxer sees they have walked off without him. He follows. Everyone is clapping, filming them and shooting pictures.

XENA
What do you say we call it a day?

GABRIELLE
All right.

JOXER
Sounds good.

XENA
You know, I liked ya better blonde, but I can go with this.

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

JOXER
Hey, anything I gotta know about this new body
of mine?

XENA
Yeah, don't stray too far from the bathroom.

Joxer farts.

JOXER
Oh! Dear God! What did you eat?! Oh! Out of the way!

They leave.

EXTRA
Wait up!

All the people in the room follow them out.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Lucy Lawless as Annie Day
Lucy Lawless as Meg
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle
Renee O'Connor as Mattie

GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Ted Raimi as Harry
Ted Raimi as Xena
Michael Saccente as Dr. Fredrick Delaney
Lucy Briant as Roxanne Fields
Elizabeth Pendergrast as Atropos
Chloe Jordon as Lachesis
Leah Mizrahi as Clotho
Anne Nordhaus as Xena Fan #1
Jennifer Rucker as Xena Fan #2
Carly Binding as Whoosh Reporter
Campbell Cooley as Random Reporter
Xavier Schroder as Academic
Martyn Clist as Diver

Written by: Melissa Blake
Directed by: Josh Becker

Disclaimer: Joxer's natural process of elimination was harmed during the making of this motion picture.