The God You Know


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


TEASER

Villagers lie dead in a field. Xena and Gabrielle walk through them.

GABRIELLE
Xena...what kind of animal would do this?

Michael appears. Xena draws her sword.

XENA
What do you want, Michael?

MICHAEL
I sense hostility. I want you to know, I'm all right
with that.

XENA
Well, that is big of you, considering last time you
saw me, you tried to have me cast down into Hell.

MICHAEL
Desperate times warrant desperate measures.
As you see, some new desperate times have arrived.

XENA
Who did this?

MICHAEL
Caligula.

Xena looks at Gabrielle and then to Michael.

MICHAEL
You know his reputation.

XENA
He's a psycho, a sex addict and a murderer -- your
run-of-the-mill Roman emperor.

GABRIELLE
And he thinks he's a god.

MICHAEL
No, he is a god.

XENA
He's immortal? But how did that happen?

MICHAEL
I don't know. What's important is that the God of Eli gave
you the power to kill gods. You're the only one who
can stop Caligula. He killed Tiberius in order to
gain power - murdered every last member of his
family. He's slain anybody who won't swear allegiance
to his cult of blood. He wants to write his name
into the history books as one of the great gods of
the pantheon. And he'll destroy anyone who won't
submit to him.

XENA
Including angels, no doubt.

MICHAEL
And, uh, the followers of Eli.

XENA
If anything's happened to Eve, Michael-

MICHAEL
Not yet, but your daughter has the courage of her
convictions. She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution.

GABRIELLE
Eve's in Rome?

XENA
If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael,
swear, I-

MICHAEL
As you well know, Xena, your daughter obeys a
higher power than me.

XENA
Michael, don't forget - if I can kill gods...I can kill
angels, too.

Xena moves off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle ride to Rome.

CAPTAIN (voice-over)
Behold before you, the supreme incarnation-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rome square.

CAPTAIN
-of immortality on Earth. All hail the great god-emperor,
Caligula who fears nothing and cannot be vanquished.

Caligula rides in on a chariot, dragging two bodies behind him. He laughs.

CALIGULA
Whoa, whoa Domastecles. Good girl.

He gets down and sighs. He moves over to a Priest and gestures for the Captain to hand the Priest his sword, which he does. Caligula holds open his red toga to expose his stomach.

CALIGULA
Do it. Come on.

The Priest stabs him and then removes the sword. There is no blood.

PRIEST
My Lord.

CALIGULA
Hm-m.

PRIEST
I pray for your mercy.

CALIGULA
Well, praying is good. Praying could buy you your
life - as long as your prayers are only for me and
my eternal cult of blood.

The Priest kisses the ring. Caligula moves before an Elderly Holy Man and holds out his hand.

ELDERLY HOLY MAN
Emperor...I cannot forsake my religion.

CALIGULA
Then you forsake your life. Tie him up.

Roman soldiers grab him.

EXTRA
Come on.

Eve steps up before Caligula. She is dressed in
green silks. Roman soldiers grab her too.

EVE
Let him go.

CALIGULA
Who's this?

CAPTAIN
(whispering) Eve of the Elijans.

CALIGULA
Oh! Eve of the Elijans. You know, I wish I hadn't
been away in the provinces when you were Livia. I
would have enjoyed meeting the Bitch of Rome.

EVE
Now I'm the bitch for Rome and her people, through
the God of Eli, whose love is an unconquerable
force, once it has entered the soul. As his message
spreads, Caligula, your days of tyranny are over.

Caligula yawns.

CALIGULA
Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans, it's the
only thing that shuts them up.

The soldiers laugh.

XENA
Yah!

CALIGULA
What was that?

Xena rides in, in a chariot. She wears a golden mask/helmet and black outfit with a flowing cape.

XENA
Yah! Yah! Yah!

CAPTAIN
She's coming too fast.

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!

CAPTAIN
Stop her!

The soldiers run at Xena, releasing Eve and the Elderly Holy Man. Gabrielle runs over to Eve.

GABRIELLE
Eve, come with me.

Gabrielle leads Eve away.

EXTRA
Get her!

Xena raises her sword.

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Xena takes out the Romans as her chariot flies by. Ares moves up behind the Elderly Holy Man, watching Xena.

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Xena stops the horses and flips from the chariot.

XENA
She-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

She lands before Caligula.

CALIGULA
Well, I don't know who you are, but I like your style.

XENA
Yeah?

She draws a dagger.

XENA
How do you like this?

Ares body slams into Xena.

XENA
Ares, you fool! What do you think you're doing?!

ARES
I can't let you kill my sister.

XENA
What?

Aphrodite appears, lying on a bed.

ARES
Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together.
If he dies, you destroy her, too.

Caligula helps Aphrodite up from the bed.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Gabrielle runs with Eve. They slow down and walk.

GABRIELLE
Are you all right?

EVE
Gabrielle, I'm fine. You shouldn't be here! This
is my mission.

GABRIELLE
Your mother's mission is protecting you. Eve,
there are some Elijans hiding in the catacombs
on the outside of town. We'll join you there. Go.

EVE
Okay.

Eve leaves.

GABRIELLE
Okay.

Gabrielle heads back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite touches Caligula's face. Romans pick up Xena and Ares and bring them before Caligula.

CALIGULA
Either you're incredibly stupid or you know that
there's nothing I enjoy more than a good surprise.

He chuckles. Aphrodite moves over to Ares and runs her hands over him.

ARES
Okay, bad touching. No. Stopping now.

Caligula pulls her back.

CALIGULA
Guards, take him to the prison and take that
Elijan with him.

CAPTAIN
My lord, she's disappeared.

CALIGULA
Well, find her! I'll make sure that her demise is
particularly spectacular.

APHRODITE
I'm getting bored of all these distractions.

CALIGULA
Well, then, my dear, you should rest.

He kisses her.

APHRODITE
Oh!

Aphrodite passes out and servants come over and take her away.

CALIGULA
Yeah! Hoo! (to Xena) All right. Why don't you try and
tell me just exactly what you think you were doing?!

Gabrielle enters.

GABRIELLE
Allow me to explain. I am Synda of Thrace. I
represent the financial interest of the great charioteer,
Saba. If that buffoon hadn't interrupted, then
Saba would have challenged you to a chariot race.

CALIGULA
A chariot race? Well, there may be some gold in
it for you if she can entertain me. Being a god
can be so boring, and I do so love tall girls. Come
with me.

He smacks Xena's behind and she gasps. He leads her away.

CALIGULA
You will be my guest of honour at the palace-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The place.

CALIGULA (voice-over)
-so that I can enjoy your company until the race.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Xena and Gabrielle are in a bath. Xena washes Gabrielle's feet.

GABRIELLE
That feels good.

XENA
You know, Rome - this place irks me. Gabrielle,
we've gotta stop Caligula from killing Eve.

GABRIELLE
Xena, Eve is safe with the Elijans.

XENA
For now...but I don't trust her to stay put.

Xena gets out and drapes a towel around herself.

GABRIELLE
We have to stop this madman without hurting Aphrodite.

XENA
Which means that we have to find out what this
crazy bond is between them and break it.

GABRIELLE
We have to stop this Caligula from committing
genocide for his cult of blood.

Xena starts to dress in her Saba outfit.

XENA
Yes...all right. Now, Aphrodite should be at the
party. I want you to go there, find her and try to talk
some sense into her. I'm gonna join you there later.
I need to go to the dungeon - and talk to Ares.

She puts on the gold mask/helmet.

XENA
Good luck.

GABRIELLE
Xena, don't forget, you're the guest of honour!

Gabrielle swims over to the other side of the bath.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Party. Gabrielle enters and moves over to Aphrodite.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, you're looking beautiful. You just seem
a little different. Aphrodite, don't you remember me?

APHRODITE
You're being very familiar, considering I'm a
goddess and you're a butt-kissing parasite.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, I'm your friend.

APHRODITE
Leave me alone.

Aphrodite stands and stumbles away as those drunk. Gabrielle follows her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle catches up with Aphrodite.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite. Aphrodite, are you okay?

APHRODITE
Fabulous!

She laughs.

APHRODITE
I'm wonderful!

She knocks over a vase and breaks it. She grabs Gabrielle and slowly, gently, backs her into a wall.

APHRODITE
I've never been so happy - so - so...
GABRIELLE
(whispering) What?

APHRODITE
(whispering) So happy.

She kisses Gabrielle on the lips. Gabrielle pushes her back.

GABRIELLE
Wha--what are you doing?!

Aphrodite laughs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another woman takes Aphrodite's place beside Caligula, who did not see her leave. He looks over and then stands when he sees Aphrodite is not there.

CALIGULA
Where is she?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite and Gabrielle.

APHRODITE
I love him so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o much.

GABRIELLE
Caligula? Aphrodite, I don't believe that.

Caligula enters with servants.

CALIGULA
Aphrodite...you must forgive her. She's tired and emotional.

GABRIELLE
I can tell.

The servants lead Aphrodite away, who waves to Gabrielle. Caligula moves over to Gabrielle.

CALIGULA
And where is your Saba? Hm-m? She insults
both the emperor and the god with her failure
to appear. It's time for the Praetorian guard to
hunt her down. Mm-m-m, maybe then she'll learn
the importance of punctuality, in death.

He snaps.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ares is in the dungeon. Xena enters.

ARES
(whispering) Xena, thank the Heavens. How's Aphrodite?

XENA
(whispering) I was hoping you could tell me.
What happened to her?

ARES
(whispering) I came to Rome because I heard
she was losing her mind. You see, without the
God of War-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The servants help Aphrodite sit down.

ARES (voice-over)
-the Goddess of Love becomes unbalanced.

Caligula enters with Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Caligula.

She chuckles.

GABRIELLE
You aren't going to leave before my world-renowned
performance?

CALIGULA
Performance?

GABRIELLE
Yes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dungeon.

XENA
(whispering) Wh--wh--what does Caligula have
to do with this?

ARES
(whispering) It's like he's some kind of succubus,
sucking her godhood from her bit by bit. Now, if
you thought he was bad as an emperor, imagine
him with the powers of a full god. And there's
nothing I can do about it.

XENA
(whispering) Maybe I can.

ARES
No. (whispering) No.

XENA
(whispering) I've gotta come between them before
it's too late.

Xena leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle dances for Caligula.

GABRIELLE
Hee! Kumalte! Kah! Jah!

She picks up two flaming balls and dances with them.

GABRIELLE
Bah! Yah!

Platforms are raised by a few men and Gabrielle dances on top of them with a rope. Aphrodite watches, amazed.

GABRIELLE
Kah! Kumalte! Kah! Hee! Jah!

Xena enters and watches Caligula with Aphrodite.

CALIGULA
Shh. Sleep well.

Caligula runs his hands over her eyes and she falls asleep. Gabrielle keeps dancing on the platforms.

GABRIELLE
Kah! Dah!

Gabrielle rolls off of the platforms and picks up the flaming balls.

GABRIELLE
Hee! Hee!

She kneels and holds the flaming balls in front of her.

CALIGULA
Oh!

He claps.

CALIGULA
Oh. Brilliant! Fabulous!

Everyone claps. Xena comes up behind Gabrielle.

XENA
(whispering to Gabrielle) Did you get to Aphrodite?

GABRIELLE
(whispering to Xena) She doesn't recognize us.

Caligula laughs.

CALIGULA
Saba!

He moves over to her.

CALIGULA
We've missed your company.

Gabrielle removes Xena's cape, to reveal her wearing skimpy lingerie.

XENA
I am at your command, sire.

CALIGULA
Oh-hoh. Careful, I can have some pretty unusual
commands.

He looks her over.

CALIGULA
Wow. But! Your idea about the chariot race - first
we need to know that you're a worthy opponent to
race the god Caligula.

He laughs.

XENA
Name your task, Lord. I will prove myself worthy
of your indulgence.

CALIGULA
Good.

Ares is brought in.

CALIGULA
Prove yourself.

She's handed a sword.

CALIGULA
Kill him.

He laughs like a madman.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Xena brings Gabrielle over to Ares.

XENA
In a former life, my manager and I had a little floor
show, which we would like now to perform for you
in honor of our emperor's exotic taste in entertainment.

The Romans clap.

CALIGULA
Now, you're talking.

They move their hands over Ares.

XENA
(to Caligula) Do you want a piece of this?

CALIGULA
I'm tempted - deeply tempted - but I, uh...

He lies down next to Aphrodite.

CALIGULA
I--I--I--I can't.

XENA
Well, just as you like, though I would like to give
you a taste of what you'll be missing.

She moves over to him and removes her mask/helmet. She leans in and kisses him, then bites his lip.

CALIGULA
Uh! Oh, you are the savage one.

XENA
You have no idea.

She moves back over to Ares.

XENA
And now...let us entertain you.

Xena and Gabrielle move their hands over Ares. Caligula's lip is bleeding.

ARES
You know, I have fantasized about this in a hundred
different situations, I've gotta tell ya, I never got to
this scenario.

Caligula sees blood on his hand.

XENA
Well, enjoy it while you can 'cause in about thirty
seconds, all hell is gonna break loose.

Caligula touches his bleeding lip.

CALIGULA
Oh! Guards! Put that woman in chains! Immediately!

ARES
Now?

Xena is chained.

APHRODITE
Come on. Don't make 'em go home now.

CALIGULA
I said no!

He slaps her.

CALIGULA
Everyone! I want this hall cleared - Immediately!

Everyone runs out, women screaming.

CALIGULA
All of you go! You, guard - come here, now!
Take out your dagger! Do it! Stab me in the arm.
Come on!

He stabs him and pulls out the dagger. There is no wound on Caligula.

CALIGULA
Hah!

He shoves him and laughs.

CALIGULA
I--I still have it. Oh! Oh, my sweet immortality.

He looks at Xena who is smiling and then touches his bloody lip.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite has a cut on her forehead which she looks at in a hand mirror. Gabrielle is with her.

APHRODITE
Blood.

She laughs.

APHRODITE
I'm gonna die.

She laughs.

GABRIELLE
It's a small wound.

APHRODITE
Oh, today, maybe, but then a bigger one and then
one day, like every pathetic mortal, I'll be dead.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, listen to me. You know me, Aphrodite.
I'm your friend.

APHRODITE
I'm not staying here to listen to this!

She tries to vanish, but can't.

APHRODITE
No. No.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caligula looks at Xena who holds up the chains.

XENA
Nice touch.

CALIGULA
Saba...when you bit my lip, you made me bleed.
How is that possible? I'm an immortal.

XENA
Join the club. Caligula, I am immortal, too.

CALIGULA
Saba the charioteer's a god?

XENA
No, Saba the Celtic Goddess of Sex is a god.
When I heard that the Olympians had met an
untimely end, I thought this was a perfect opportunity
for me to spread my...wings. And of course, when
I saw you, I knew you'd make the perfect ally.

CALIGULA
Well, what power do you have?

XENA
You've already experienced my powers. I have the
ability to pierce the veil of immortality, to make
gods bleed, to make gods die. It's an uncommon gift.

CALIGULA
And a risk for any god to keep you around.

XENA
A risk not to, especially when you compare me to
that washed-out dish rag, Aphrodite.

Caligula snickers.

CALIGULA
Where is she, anyway?

XENA
Forget her. She's weak. Now, how much better
would it be - if there were two healthy gods using
one another?

He removes her hands from him and faces her.

CALIGULA
You mean you...and I?

XENA
Well, otherwise, you'll be known as "Caligula,
God of Messed-Up Freaks."

He shoves her backward.

CALIGULA
Gah! How dare you speak to me in that way?!
Do you know who you're talking to?!

XENA
Do you? She-e-e-e-e-yah!

She flips up and breaks her chains on a spear sticking out of the wall.

XENA
My offer's on the table, Caligula. And think about
it, carefully. I make a very good friend...and an
even better enemy.

She walks out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Palace at night.

WOMAN (voice-over)
Caligula.

Caligula screams in a voice-over.

WOMAN (voice-over)
My-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

WOMAN (voice-over)
-cowardly son. Don't you recognize your own
mother's voice? I see you've become the pathetic
man we always thought you'd be. You're the
laughingstock of all Rome.

CALIGULA
No!

WOMAN (voice-over)
You murdered your own family for this?!

CALIGULA
I am a god! While you are just voices in my head!

The Woman laughs in a voice-over.

CALIGULA
You're dead! Leave me alone!

He screams. The Woman laughs.

WOMAN (voice-over)
Leave you alone?!

CALIGULA
By the Heavens! Somebody, save me!

WOMAN (voice-over)
Caligula, you're the only one who can save yourself.

Michael laughs. Caligula turns to see Michael leaning over Caligula's throne.

CALIGULA
What sort of demon are you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eve is praying with the Elijans, in the middle of a circle of them. Michael appears and touches her forehead. The Elijans are unaware of what is happening.

EVE
At last.

She stands and faces him.

EVE
I'm ready.

MICHAEL
You are ready.

EVE
Yes, Archangel.

MICHAEL
You're afraid.

EVE
No, it's - I'm...

MICHAEL
Have no fear.

He leads her away.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Caligula sits on his throne. Eve is brought in by two guards and is thrown to the floor.

EVE
I give unto Caesar all that is Caesar's, but I bring
also the message of Eli, the only true path to redemption.

CALIGULA
Oh, you are so earnest. This is going to be fun.

EVE
Let go of lust and violence. Open your heart to
truth and hope.

He stands.

CALIGULA
Lust and violence or truth and hope. Hm-m, I
think I'll stick with the status quo.

He draws a dagger and moves over to her, holding it above his head.

XENA
Oh, fabulous.

EVE
(whispering) What?

She stands and turns to see Xena enter.

EVE
(whispering) What?

XENA
Caligula, what on Earth did you think you were doing?

EVE
I don't need you to interfere with my missi-

Xena punches her.

EVE
Ugh!

Eve falls to the floor, unconscious.

XENA
Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?

CALIGULA
Well, the demon with wings said that if I spilt her
blood, it would ensure my legacy as the greatest
of all gods.

XENA
The demon with wings?

CALIGULA
Hm-m.

XENA
My dear...why here and now, when there is neither
sport nor glory in it?

CALIGULA
Glory?

XENA
For your cult of blood. Why, this could be a missed
opportunity. Every cult needs followers. If you were
to, for example, exterminate the messenger of Eli,
in front of the masses, why...

CALIGULA
Yes. That would make them take notice.

Xena claps.

XENA
Superb.

CALIGULA
I am, aren't I?

XENA
Why do you prefer Aphrodite to me?

CALIGULA
It's not that I prefer her, my sweet. I just need
one final thing from her?

XENA
What's that?

CALIGULA
A final kiss goodbye.

He leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite is lying by the bath.

APHRODITE
(whispers) I'm sorry. (sighs)

Gabrielle lifts her into a sitting position.

APHRODITE
Why are you doing this to me? What do you want?

GABRIELLE
I want my friend back.

APHRODITE
I've never seen you before today. I could turn you
into a mosquito, you know?

GABRIELLE
You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't.
You know why? Because you do know me. You
don't want to hurt me.

APHRODITE
Well, if we're such good friends, then how come
I don't recognize you?

GABRIELLE
Because you're giving up your identity to some
maniac whom you claim to love.

Michael appears and raises his sword over Aphrodite.

XENA
Michae-e-e-e-e-e-e-el!

Xena runs in and kicks him.

GABRIELLE
Come on.

Gabrielle helps Aphrodite move out of the way.

XENA
You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand.
Now you go after my girlfriends. That's not gonna
happen. Bring it on.

Xena and Michael fight. Michael kicks Xena back.

GABRIELLE
(whispering) Xena.

Xena attacks and gets some moves on Michael.

GABRIELLE
(whispering) Yes!

XENA
Don't be afraid, Michael.

Xena kicks Michael several times and then kicks him into the pool. Xena flips.

XENA
A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ya!

Xena lands behind Michael and puts the Pinch
on him.

XENA
Okay, Michael, you know the drill - you got thirty seconds.

Michael groans. Xena pushes his head under water.

GABRIELLE
Xena, stop it!

XENA
Ten, nine...

MICHAEL
I was tryin' to kill Aphrodite, not Gabrielle! Because
Caligula is threatening to become Eli's major foe
and we can't allow the madman to become a full
god, which will surely happen if he kisses Aphrodite
one more time, and the only way I can do that is by
killing Aphrodite!

XENA
I've got one more question for ya.

MICHAEL
Huh?

XENA
What happens to angels when they die?

She shoves him under the water.

GABRIELLE
Xena, stop it!

A bright light washes down from the sky and engulfs Xena.

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Michael is standing in the water and laughs. He disappears. The light releases Xena and Gabrielle moves over to her.

XENA
It's gone. They've taken it away from me.

GABRIELLE
What? What is it?

XENA
The power to kill gods, Gabrielle - it's gone.

Aphrodite passes out. Gabrielle hugs Xena. Caligula enters with several guards.

CALIGULA
I've been looking for you, Aphrodite.

Caligula picks her up and kisses her, sucking her godhood into him.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

Caligula kisses Aphrodite, sucking her godhood into him.

XENA
No-o-o-o!

Xena kicks him.

CALIGULA
Your passion for me overrides your good sense...but
I like that in a woman. I will forgive your jealous
outburst because-

He jumps across the room.

CALIGULA
Whoa! Oh, yeah! I feel good! Watch me!

He vanishes. Gabrielle moves to Aphrodite.

GABRIELLE
Aphrodite. Hey.

APHRODITE
Gabrielle, I know we're like, close, but is this appropriate?

GABRIELLE
Is it really you?

Xena and Gabrielle help her up. Aphrodite laughs.

APHRODITE
Okay, Gabs, has anyone ever told you that you
can be like, a total ditz?

XENA
Aphrodite, what do you think about Caligula?

APHRODITE
Um, nothing. Caligula, ew-w-w.

XENA
The bond between them's been broken.

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

APHRODITE
Okay, whatever. I'm getting us out of here.

She holds up her hands to vanish, but nothing happens.

XENA
You can't, Aphrodite. Caligula is truly a god, now.

Aphrodite is confused.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dungeon. Eve and Ares share a cell. Ares is lying on the cot, while Eve leans on the bars.

XENA
Open the door.

The guard does and Xena enters.

XENA
Leave us.

He leaves.

XENA
Eve...

Eve sneers at Xena and turns her head. Ares stands.

ARES
What's happened?

XENA
Aphrodite's got her mind back but she's lost her immortality.

ARES
So he's a full god, now.

XENA
It gets worse. Eli has stripped me of my power to
kill gods. It means I have no way of halting Caligula's
madness.

Ares moves aside. Xena moves over to Eve.

XENA
Eve, I'm sorry.

Xena reaches out her hand, but Eve bats it away.

EVE
It wasn't the punch that hurt. You trampled right
over the decision I had made.

XENA
I had to, Eve.

EVE
No. You forget, Mother - it's my life. It's my death.
It's my choice.

Eve moves off.

XENA
No, you forget - I am your mother and I would die
before I'd let him touch a hair on your head.

EVE
You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the
world forever, Mother.

XENA
Well, it's funny you should say that.

Xena looks at her seriously.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eve's hands are tied and Xena leads her through the crowd of Romans from a horse. Eve stumbles as she is dragged along, Romans throwing rocks at her.

EXTRA
More! More!

EXTRA
Kill her!

XENA
Get up!

EXTRA
Burn her!

EXTRA
Fire!

Eve is tied to a pole. Caligula enters and moves to Eve, then smells her. He faces the people.

CALIGULA
Citizens of Rome! You are here to witness a chariot
race celebrating the allegiance between your
god-emperor and his new queen, the goddess Saba!

He holds out his hand and Xena takes it. The people cheer.

EXTRA
Hail to the queen!

EXTRA
Long may she reign!

CALIGULA
The victor of the race wins the right to kill Eve of the
Elijans, formerly Livia the Whore of Rome!

XENA
Let it begin!

The people cheer. Xena and Caligula each mount a chariot.

EXTRA
Caligula!

EXTRA
A victory for Rome!

EXTRA
Ye-e-e-yah!

Caligula and Xena take off, the people cheering.

CALIGULA
Hee-yah! Hyah! Come on!

XENA
Hyah!

CALIGULA
Heeyah! Yah! Come on! Heeyah! Hyah! Yah!

Caligula throws a fireball at some soldiers.

CALIGULA
Oops! Still gettin' the hang of that!

He laughs.

CALIGULA
He-eyah! He-eyah! He-eyah! Yah!

XENA
Yee-yah! Yah!

Caligula throws a fireball at some Romans.

XENA
Yah!

CALIGULA
Yah! Yah!

EXTRA
Here they come!

XENA
Yah!

EXTRA
Look out!

CALIGULA
Yeeah! Ha-ha-ha!

XENA
Yee-ah-h-h! Yeah-h! Yah-h-h!

Caligula is in the lead.

CALIGULA
Come on!

XENA
Yah! Caligula-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! Yah-h-h! Yah-h-h-h!
Yah! Yah-h-h-h-h!

Xena catches up. Caligula throws a fireball ahead of them.

CALIGULA
Don't you just love this god stuff?!

XENA
Absolutely!

They are neck in neck. Caligula whips Xena.

XENA
Yah! O-oh! Ah! Methinks my lord enjoys this sport
a little too much!

CALIGULA
You got it, Babe!

He whips his horses.

CALIGULA
Yeah! Yeah!

Caligula has the lead again.

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!

CALIGULA
Come on!

EXTRA
Here they come!

EXTRA
Caligula's in the lead!

XENA
Yeah! Yah! Hyah!

CALIGULA
Yah!

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Yah!

She laughs.

CALIGULA
Come on!

XENA
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Xena takes the lead.

XENA
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

CALIGULA
Yeah!

Xena laughs.

CALIGULA
Come on!

XENA
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!

XENA
Yah-h-h! Yah!

They are back in the square.

XENA
Che-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah! Yah!

CALIGULA
Faster!

XENA
Yah!

Caligula's chariot goes over a ramp and he falls out of it. Xena wins. Caligula's horses drag the chariot behind them.

EXTRA
Look out!

Roman soldiers move out of the way as the chariot crashes. Xena moves over to Eve.

CALIGULA
Well, that was quite a race! I guess you're gonna
be the one who spills the blood.

XENA
Yes, I've been waiting for this opportunity a long
time - only it won't be her blood that's spilt today.

Xena takes off the mask/helmet.

GABRIELLE
That's Xena. That's Xena, the Warrior Princess!

EXTRA
Xena?

Xena tosses Gabrielle the helmet/mask.

CALIGULA
Xena? Xena. I know that name. Yes, Xena Slayer
of...Gods.

XENA
Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so
charmingly called "Whore of Rome."

Xena draws her sword.

CALIGULA
Uh, perhaps we could...renegotiate the exact terms
of the prize.

XENA
No.

Xena kicks him and he falls down the steps.

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
Xena! Xena!

The crowd keeps shouting her name as she speaks.

XENA
The only thing we'll negotiate is what happens to you.

Xena moves over to him. A fireball forms in his hand, but Xena kicks his hand and the fireball rolls away.

XENA
Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and
you can hardly throw a fireball straight. So you gotta
ask yourself - do you feel lucky?

EXTRAS
Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!

The crowd continues to cheer Xena's name. Caligula faces the Romans.

CALIGULA
I am your emperor! I am your god!

The people grow quiet.

CALIGULA
How dare you not give me the respect that I
deserve! You're nothing!

The crowd jeers.

CALIGULA
I allow you to worship me!

A girl throws a tomato at him and the Romans laugh.

EXTRA
Perfect!

XENA
Hold on, Caligula - I'm going to spare you the
humiliation of dying on your knees.

CALIGULA
(whispering) Please...

XENA
Listen to me - still, you're gonna have what you've
always wanted, your place amongst the pantheon
of Roman gods. What better way to start your new
cult of blood than with the ultimate act of bloodshed - the
spilling of your own blood?

EXTRA
Down with Caligula!

CALIGULA
They--they hate me.

XENA
Don't listen to them.

CALIGULA
They think I'm weak!

Gabrielle unties Eve.

XENA
Then prove to them you're not. Caligula, kill yourself.
If I kill you...why, you're just another dead god.
But if you were to kill yourself...

She holds her sword up to his chest and he holds it.

CALIGULA
Then--then my name lives forever.

XENA
Forever - yes. Do it, Caligula. Take your rightful
place. (whispering) Do it. I understand you.

CALIGULA
Yes - live forever.

He stabs himself and the people gasp.

CALIGULA
Yuh! Yes!

He falls to his knees, blood pouring from his mouth.

CALIGULA
Uh!

He dies.

XENA
The only person in all Rome who could kill
Caligula...was Caligula.

Xena leaves with Eve and Gabrielle following. The people surround Caligula.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later, in the palace. Xena and Gabrielle are dressed in their outfits again. Gabrielle joins Xena.

GABRIELLE
How are you feeling?

XENA
Dirty. How should I feel?

GABRIELLE
Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil.

XENA
No...he was damaged. He wasn't evil.

Aphrodite and Eve are sitting on a bed that Ares is lying on. Aphrodite is trying to disappear.

APHRODITE
It's not fair. Ooh! It's not fair! (whining) Oh, it's not
fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!

ARES
Welcome to my nightmare, Sis.

GABRIELLE
Hmph.

APHRODITE
Gabrielle, when you were trying to get through to
me earlier, you said a coupl'a times that you were
my friend. Did you really mean that?

GABRIELLE
Absolutely.

APHRODITE
How cloyingly sentimental, but very much appreciated.

XENA
All right, everyone...let's get outta here. Come on.

Xena holds out her arm and Eve moves over to her and holds her as they leave.

EVE
Are you sorry, Mother? To lose your greatest gift,
the ability to kill gods?

Ares and Aphrodite play around behind Xena, Gabrielle and Eve.

XENA
Nah, it'll just make life spicier. Besides, I've still
got my two greatest gifts and I've got no intention
of losing either of them.

Ares and Aphrodite put their arms around each other as they follow Xena, Gabrielle and Eve out.

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Adrienne Wilkinson as Eve
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Charles Mesure as Michael
Alexis Arquette as Caligula
Doug McCaulay as Captain
David Baxter as Elderly Holy Man
Willie Patterson as Priest
Joanne Baker as Woman

Written by: Emily Skopov
Directed by: Garth Maxwell

Disclaimer: Gabrielle's undercover disguise was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.