You Are There


This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith


TEASER

Sun rises.

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Xena and Gabrielle ride.

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Xena and Gabrielle ride.

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Ocean.

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Xena and Gabrielle are sailing on a large boat.

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Sun sets.

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The boat moves through the water.

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Moon rises.

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Sun rises.

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The boat arrives at land.

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A raven caws and flies off.

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The raven flies into Valhalla and caws.

ODIN (voice-over)
What?! Here?!

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Viking village.

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Tavern. The tapestry of Xena as a Valkyrie hangs in the tavern. Xena and Gabrielle enter and move over to Beowulf who is at the bar.

GABRIELLE
Beowulf.

Beowulf burps.

BEOWULF
Gabrielle.

Gabrielle chuckles.

GABRIELLE
It's good to see you.

BEOWULF
And you, Gabrielle.

XENA
Hey.

BEOWULF
Xena, you're a long way from home.

Gabrielle gives Xena a questioning look.

XENA
What's goin' on, Beowulf. Last time you saw
Gabrielle, you were willing to walk through a
column of fire to be at her side.

BEOWULF
It was love-struck foolishness. I like my bones
the way they are - without the flesh seared from
them. Rest - slake your thirst.

XENA
We didn't come here to drink with you, Beowulf.
I need to see Odin.

BEOWULF
You know where to find him.

GABRIELLE
In Valhalla, but it's not easy to get there.

VALKYRIE #1
For some!

They turn to see Valkyrie #1 [it's Sirglinda from "Return of the Valkyrie" but she's credited as Viking #1] with a group of Valkyries.

VALKYRIE #1
But you were a Valkyrie once, Xena. You know
the way to Valhalla. Die a hero's death. I'll escort
you there myself.

XENA
That's part of my long-range plan. Right now, I
just need to see Odin.

VALKYRIE #1
Odin doesn't need to see you. In fact, we have
orders to keep you away from him.

XENA
Well, I don't wanna make a sister Valkyrie look bad,
but you're gonna have trouble following those orders.

She raises her sword.

VALKYRIE #1
Think so?

The other Valkyries raise their swords as well.

XENA
Mm-hm-m.

Xena draws her sword. Xena attacks and they fight. Beowulf turns back to the bar.

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Outside. Nigel is there with a film crew.

NIGEL
Okay, okay, are we rolling?

The boom mike is moved near him. You can hear Xena and the battle going on inside.

NIGEL
Sound. Check, check. Testing, one, two, three.
Mary had a little lamb. Great.

He's hit in the head with the boom mike.

NIGEL
Ow. Ow. All right. Okay. Come on, let's go.

He pushes past some Vikings.

NIGEL
Coming through. Excuse me, excuse me. This
way; come on.

Valkyries are tossed out of the tavern.

XENA
All right. Get out!

Xena brings Valkyrie #1 out with her.

NIGEL
(to camera) Here's Xena now. I think we're just
gonna go over and talk to her.

Xena tosses Valkyrie #1. He moves over to Xena as the Valkyries run off.

NIGEL
Excuse me, coming through. Oh! Sorry, Valkyries.

Xena is following the Valkyries, but Nigel stops her.

NIGEL
Uh, now-

He clears his throat.

NIGEL
-Xena-

He clears his throat again.

NIGEL
-would you care to tell me why you've returned to
the Norse lands at this time?

Xena looks in silence at the camera.

NIGEL
You realize, Odin has vowed to kill you should you
return to Valhalla. Would you care to comment
on that threat? Xena?

She shoves him out of the way and takes a step closer to the camera.

END OF TEASER



ACT ONE

Viking village. Nigel speaks to the camera.

NIGEL
Xena Warrior Princess - to many she's seen as
a saviour, a protector of the downtrodden and the
innocent. Others, however, see her as nothing
more than a butcher - her hands stained with the
blood of hundreds - no, thousands - of innocent
people. Which is it? Tonight we put that question
to the legendary woman, herself.

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In the studio. Xena and Gabrielle are sitting in the guest chairs, make-up and sound people moving around them. A make-up person is putting powder on Xena's face.

XENA
Hey.

A sound guy is attaching a mike to Gabrielle's top.

GABRIELLE
Hey! Watch where you put your hands!

EXTRA
We're set. Roll sound.

Nigel enters.

XENA
Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy.

NIGEL
Xena, welcome. And also with us this evening
Gabrielle - the Battling Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's
constant traveling companion, and the chronicler
of her deeds. Glad you could make it.

GABRIELLE
Uh, thank you. It's, um, it's good to be here.

NIGEL
Good. Xena, first to you. You don't have exactly
the greatest reputation here among the Norseman.
As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a
reign of terror on the people of this land.

GABRIELLE
Everyone's seen the tapestry.

XENA
Uh, that was a long time ago.

NIGEL
So, why come back now? There's no love lost
between you and Odin.

XENA
Oh, but that's just it. That's exactly why Gabrielle
and I have returned-

NIGEL
You betrayed Odin, didn't you? Turning his, lover,
if you will-

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A picture of Monster Grinhilda is shown. The caption reads: File Photo Grinhilda.

NIGEL (voice-over)
-Grinhilda, into a hideous monster.

GABRIELLE (voice-over)
Yeah, but-

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The studio.

GABRIELLE
-Xena changed her back.

NIGEL
But not before the she-beast and her son, Grindl,
sent many a Viking warrior to Valhalla.

XENA
Is there a question in this somewhere?

NIGEL
Xena, is it your intention to kill Odin, and have
yourself proclaimed a god in his place?

GABRIELLE
(laughing) What?

XENA
Crazy.

NIGEL
Do you deny that you stole the Rheingold?

XENA
No.

NIGEL
And forged that into a ring which gave you the
power of a god?

XENA
I gave back the Rheingold. You can ask the Rhein Maidens.

NIGEL
And what about the Olympian gods? You destroyed
them also, didn't you?

XENA
N-n-not all of them, no.

GABRIELLE
Oh, see, they were--they were trying to kill her daughter.

XENA
Right.

NIGEL
Ah-h, a daughter who was following very successfully
in her mother's bloody footsteps.

XENA
Now just a doggone minute.

NIGEL
Xena, do you still have the power to kill a god?

Xena stands and Gabrielle with her, putting a hand on her arm.

XENA
I got the power to kill much lower forms of life
than that.

NIGEL
What's the matter, Xena? Uncomfortable with
the truth?

XENA
The truth?

She takes off her microphone.

XENA
You know what? You wouldn't know the truth if it
grew fangs and bit you-

Gabrielle puts her hand over Xena's mouth.

GABRIELLE
Actually, uh, this interview is over.

Xena and Gabrielle head out.

NIGEL
Come on, Xena. Why don't you just admit it?!
You've always lusted to have the power of a god
and now you're here to kill Odin! Isn't that right,
Xena?! You're here to kill Odin!

Xena and Gabrielle are gone. Nigel looks to the crew.

NIGEL
I think that was good - had her on the ropes.

He chuckles.

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Caption: The River Styx.
Charon ferries the boat across the river.

NIGEL (voice-over)
Xena's protestations of innocence aside, Odin
would do well to fear her considering the fate of
many others who have crossed her in the past
and ended up here - on the shores of the River
Styx in Hades.

CHARON (voice-over)
Nah.

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The dead wait to be ferried across. Nigel is with Charon. Caption: Charon Boatman of the Dead.

CHARON
I can't deny Xena's been good for my business.
Wouldn't mind a vacation. But hey, it's better to
be workin' than not workin', right?

He laughs.

NIGEL
Of course it is. What you're saying is that most of
these passengers are here because of Xena.

Charon snorts.

CHARON
Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket.
But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters - Elanis
of Mycenae, Velasca, uh, Marc Antony, Callisto.
You can even make a case for Caesar, himself.
You see, these people do not lose their mortal coils
without a fight.

He laughs.

CALIGULA
Hey! Sometime this eternity!

CHARON
Unlike this guy, who's just been askin' for a one-way
ticket to the Underworld if you ask me.

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Nigel interviews Caligula. Caption: Caligula Former Emperor of Rome - Deceased.

CALIGULA
Because is this gonna take long? You know,
because I've been waiting for this stupid barge
forever. That boatman? I've been bumped twice
already. Peon! Damned arrogant ass! Doesn't
know who I am.

NIGEL
It'll only take a moment. I wanted to ask you a few
questions about Xena.

CALIGULA
Xena? You just wanna ask me about Xena? Fine,
I'll tell you. She's a snake! A treacherous deceiver,
like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on
her. She and that--that--that bard of hers - yeah,
like we don't know what's goin' on there, huh?
Yeah, and they want you to think that Xena fights
for honour?! Oh!

NIGEL
And she doesn't?

CALIGULA
Look, I've spilled enough blood in my day to know
why anyone does it--it's the scent of it, the taste, the
thrill! Xena's no different! I'll show you. (to Man)
Hey, you, there. Who killed you?

MAN
You did. Beggin' your pardon, I think you were drunk.
You slit me open from here to-

CALIGULA
Uh, b-b-ba!

Charon grabs him.

CHARON
Come on, Fancy Pants, I thought you were in a hurry.

CALIGULA
Get your hands off of me! I'm in the middle of an
interview, you impudent cur!

CHARON
Yeah, yeah. You may have been a big-shot on
Earth, but down here you're just dead. Get used
to it. Come on.

Charon leads him away.

CALIGULA
Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
I--I was a god - a living god and that bitch took me out.

CHARON
All right. Oh, there's one more thing I'd like to say.
At least Xena pays her fare, unlike another so-called
superhero I know, more like super-cheapskate.
That's right, I'm talkin' about you, Hercules.

He growls.

CHARON
Hercules.

Charon moves off. Nigel faces the camera.

NIGEL
"I was a god - a living god and that bitch took me out."

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Caption: Artist's Rendering Valhalla.

NIGEL (voice-over)
Odin declined an interview for this story, but a
source within Valhalla, did agree to speak with
us on a condition of strict anonymity. Welcome.

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Studio. The guest chair is empty.

NIGEL
Welcome. I understand that you're masking your
identity in a magic cloak of invisibility.

Caption: Anonymous Source.

ODIN (voice-over)
That is correct.

NIGEL
And that you understand what Xena wants here.

ODIN (voice-over)
Oh, I know, all right - apples.

NIGEL
Excuse me, you said apples?

ODIN (voice-over)
What are you, deaf?! She wants the golden apples!

NIGEL
Ah-h-h, I understand. The golden apples-

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The apples are shown. Caption File Footage Golden Apples.

NIGEL (voice-over)
-protected by Frigga, Odin's sister-in-law. It is
rumoured that whomever eats the golden apples
will become a god themselves.

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Studio.

ODIN (voice-over)
That's right. Xena wants to be a god - goddess - whatever.

NIGEL
Before we get into that, you claim to have masked
your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility. But isn't
it true that only Odin himself knows the mystic runes
whereby he can make himself invisible.

ODIN (voice-over)
Damn it.

Odin makes himself visible.

ODIN
Look, I don't mind if you know it's me. I just want
to appeal to all loyal Norsemen to do whatever
they can to stop Xena from getting into Valhalla,
and stealing the golden apples!

NIGEL
Why does she wanna steal the golden apples?

ODIN
So she can become a god! Look, she'll return
Ares to Olympus-

Ares is shown on a TV. Caption: Ares God of War.

ODIN
-who will in exchange make her his queen.

NIGEL
But surely, Ares and Xena have an adversarial history.

ODIN
Hm-m, you buy that, do you? Huh? You would.
Did you ever stop and think why Xena didn't kill Ares
when she had a chance? Hm-m? It's because
she's got a thing for him! She's always had a
thing for him! So Xena's gonna be a god, or a goddess,
or whatever. Well, it's not gonna happen, you
hear me, Xena?! You stay away from Valhalla or
you know what's gonna happen to you!

He blows up the TV that has Ares and Xena on it from "Coming Home."

ODIN
You'll never be a god, Xena!

He roars at Nigel, who whimpers.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Woods.

NIGEL
It seems that we are witnessing an epic struggle
here. On the one hand, Odin and his precious golden
apples. And on the other, Xena, seemingly determined
to possess them for herself. But why?

He moves back some branches. Gabrielle can be seen bathing in her clothes. Nigel moves over to her.

NIGEL
Gabrielle? Gabrielle, can you tell me if there's a
sexual relationship going on between Ares and Xena?

Gabrielle starts to hit him with her sponge.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing here?!

NIGEL
Is Xena Ares' love slave?

She hits him some more, then knocks him face down into the mud. She leaves. Nigel raises his head from the mud and moans.

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The homestead Ares is at.

NIGEL
But there was one other person who could shed
some light on the twisted codependent relationship
between the Warrior Princess and the God of War.

He knocks on the door. Ares can be heard from inside.

ARES
Go away.

Nigil knocks again. Ares can be heard from inside.

ARES
I said get lost!

NIGEL
There's definitely somebody in there.

He continues to knock.

NIGEL
I'm gonna keep trying.

Ares can be heard from inside.

ARES
Whaddya want?! I'm busy!

Ares opens the door and sees the camera.

NIGEL
Are you Ares, the former God of War?

ARES
Who wants to know?

NIGEL
We're here, asking a few questions about Xena.
Why does she wanna steal the golden apples?

ARES
I got nothin' to say about Xena.

Ares takes a swig from a mug and gets foam on his upper lip.

NIGEL
Odin believes it's because she wants to restore
you to Olympus.

ARES
That'd be damn nice.

He sniffs.

ARES
As you can see, I haven't exactly got the hang of
this whole mortal gig, but let me make it straight - Xena
owes me nothing.

NIGEL
According to Odin, you and she have cut a deal
whereby she will reign by your side as your queen.

ARES
A-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Xe--Xena's had plenty of
opportunities to be my queen. Frankly, the job
doesn't interest her.

NIGEL
Have you spoken with Xena recently?

ARES
Listen, buddy, I wasn't the only god sent down
from Olympus. Why are you buggin' me?

NIGEL
Are you saying that there are other gods who
survived Xena's attack?

Xena can be heard from inside.

XENA
Yo! Ares!

NIGEL
Wait a minute. Who's that? Can I? I--I think we should-

Nigel goes in with the camera crew.

ARES
Hey! Hey! Hey!

NIGEL
I'm gonna go in here - just go, um-

ARES
Hey! This is private property!

NIGEL
Follow me.

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Inside.

NIGEL
Check it out.

ARES
All right! Ya happy?! You see what the God of War
has come to? Well, have a good look. Laugh it up!

Xena enters.

XENA
Ares, what's the commo-

She sees Nigel.

XENA
You. What are you doing here?

Ares takes another swig from his mug, foam covering his upper lip.

NIGEL
Xena, I was right. You and Ares are plotting together.

XENA
Stay out of my business, Nigel.

NIGEL
Xena, are you in love with Ares?

ARES
All right, that's it! Get out! Get out! Get the hell out!

Ares starts to throw him out. The camera looks at Xena who motions "out" with her thumb and mouths, "Get out."

NIGEL
Try and get-

ARES
No! Get out! You're animals! Scavengers! Get outta here!

Ares puts his hand on the camera.

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Caption: Heaven.
Michael sits with Nigel.

NIGEL
Do you think Odin has anything to fear from Xena?

MICHAEL
Let me put it this way - if it were my tail feathers
on the line I wouldn't trust Xena.

NIGEL
That's not a very charitable attitude coming from
an angel.

Caption: Archangel Michael.

MICHAEL
Archangel.

NIGEL
Archangel. Sorry, I...

He clears his throat.

NIGEL
Surely, as an archangel you are a creature of light,
ethereal and pure. Isn't it your job to believe in
the essential goodness of man?

Michael laughs.

MICHAEL
Please. We help mankind to strive to achieve
goodness, but we're not stupid. Mankind has free
will and Xena she exercises hers with abandon.

NIGEL
Would you care to give us an example?

MICHAEL
She puts her own self-interest ahead of the greater
good. Did you know she risked unleashing Hell
on Earth to protect her own daughter?

NIGEL
But then, surely, she prevented that by killing
Mephistopheles on Earth.

MICHAEL
And by doing that she fated herself to take his
place in Hell.

NIGEL
Which she did not.

MICHAEL
Get this...she cast one of our own, Archangel
Lucifer, down into Hell to take her place.

NIGEL
Xena corrupted an angel?

MICHAEL
(echoing, bombing voice) Archangel!

Nigel nearly falls.

MICHAEL
And if she's capable of doing that, of seducing an
archangel into assuming the throne of Hell, you
tell me - who wouldn't she be willing to screw over?

NIGEL
Who indeed? Whoa!

He falls, screaming. Michael shakes his head.

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Nigel falls.

NIGEL
Help me!

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Hell. Nigel screams and hits the ground.

NIGEL
Hello. I'm here, in Hell and I'm about to do what
no other reporter has ever done before. I'm going
to interview Lucifer.

He moves over to Lucifer.

NIGEL
Excuse me, sir. Sir? Um, horned one? Is it true
that you are the Prince of Darkness?

LUCIFER
What are you?

NIGEL
Please - try not to avoid the question. The public
want the truth - a portrait of the real demon behind
the myth.

LUCIFER
The real demon?

NIGEL
Please. Try not to cover anything up.

LUCIFER
Cover anything up? I'm the devil, you idiot! I'm
really bad. I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to
cover up?!

NIGEL
Right. Y--you have a point there.

LUCIFER
What are you doing here anyway? Are you one
of mine?

NIGEL
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. No, I'm part
of a journalistic investigation - an investigation
of Xena.

LUCIFER
Xena! You dare mention her name in my kingdom!

NIGEL
So you're--you're not a fan of the Warrior Princess.

He sticks a clawed finger into Nigel's nose.

LUCIFER
Let me ask you something. Do I look like a guy
who enjoys his present position? Do you think I
asked for this gig?! I used to be an archangel on
the way up! And then she came along!

Takes his finger out.

NIGEL
So, you're confirming the reports that Xena, in order
to avoid her own responsibilities in Hell, fooled an
archangel into assuming the throne of the Underworld.

LUCIFER
She'll defend herself saying my pride and ambition
brought me down, but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't
for her lies and deceit!

NIGEL
Then you believe the word of Xena is not to be trusted.

LUCIFER
She's a lying sack! I only wish I could get her down
here, mete out some serious everlasting punishment.

Nigel chuckles.

NIGEL
Well that's not an impossible dream. Given Xena's
exploits on Earth, I'm sure that she's bought herself
a one-way ticket to Hell.

LUCIFER
I wish.

NIGEL
Hm-m.

LUCIFER
With all her do-gooding - I fear she's escaped
my wrath.

Nigel clears his throat.

NIGEL
In a sense, you're defending her character, which,
of course, is what Satan would do, try to defend one
of his own demons on Earth.

LUCIFER
Y'know, you're a real pain. I can't wait to get you
down here.

Nigel chuckles.

NIGEL
With respect, sir, that's not going to happen? You
see, I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no. I'm,
uh, I'm an award-winning investigative journalist.
(high pitched) I'm a member of the fifth estate.

LUCIFER
Like I said - I can't wait to get my claws into you.

He leaves. Nigel clears his throat.

NIGEL
And so we-we conclude a rather disturbing interview
with the Prince of Darkness.

He faints.

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In the woods. Nigel moves some branches to reveal Eve and her prayer circle.

NIGEL
There she is. Follow me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Are you Eve?

EVE
Do you wish to join our prayer circle?

NIGEL
No, not today, thanks. I'd like to ask you a couple
of questions about your mother, Xena.

Eve stands.

EVE
Whatever you wish to know, my mother can answer
for herself.

She starts to move off with the Elijans, but Nigel follows.

EVE
Excuse us.

NIGEL
I--it's just a few questions. Is Xena trying to make
herself into a god?

EVE
There is only one God - the God of Eli. He teaches
us to walk the path of love.

NIGEL
I see. And does your mother walk the path of love?

EVE
My mother respects our faith. She would do nothing
to offend it.

NIGEL
Not even for Ares?

Eve stops walking and faces Nigel.

EVE
What about Ares?

NIGEL
Well, Xena wants to restore him to Olympus. She's
cut a deal to rule with him at his side.

EVE
No, the time of the many gods is passed.

NIGEL
Then why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples?
And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you
know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli
while your mother stood by and did nothing.

EVE
You want to know about my mother?

She shoves him.

EVE
I will tell you about my mother!

NIGEL
Keep shooting.

EVE
You little sh[BEEP]it! If my mother is with Ares, you
can bet she's got a pretty fu[BEEP]ing good reason!

NIGEL
Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with
your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?

EVE
You fu[BEEP]ing prick!

She shoves him again. The Elijans hold her back.

NIGEL
Hey, get off! Get off me!

EVE
Stay the hell away from my mother! You stay the
f[BEEP] away from me, or I will kick your fu[BEEP]ing a[BEEP]!

She moves off. He follows.

NIGEL
Not the kind of words you'd expect to hear, from
Eve, the messenger of Eli. Whatever happened
to walking the path of light, Eve?!

EVE
F[BEEP] off!

NIGEL
You want your mother on Olympus, don't you?
You wanna see the god of war put back on his
throne so that you, and Xena and Ares can continue
your bloody ménage a trios!

She punches him and moves off with the Elijans. Nigel stands and looks at the camera.

NIGEL
Tell m--tell me you got that. You got that, didn't
you? Did you get that? You got that, huh?

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Studio.

NIGEL
A shocking display from the Messenger of Eli,
but not so shocking, perhaps coming from the
daughter of Xena, for Xena provokes strong emotions
among those who cross her path feelings of
intense fear and hatred among her enemies
and equally intense feelings of loyalty among her
friends. And it is perhaps this loyalty that brings the
person sitting opposite me this evening into the studio.

He turns to Gabrielle.

NIGEL
Gabrielle, thank you talking with us.

GABRIELLE
Well, you're welcome, but don't thank me.

Caption: Gabrielle Xena's Sidekick.

GABRIELLE
I'm here to tell you that you're wrong about Xena.

NIGEL
Wrong in what way?

GABRIELLE
In every way. Xena - you know, you make it sound
like Ares and Xena have this conspiracy to try to
rule the world.

NIGEL
But they don't.

GABRIELLE
No. No, Xena wants to save the world. That's why
she needs the golden apples.

NIGEL
And I suppose that Ares wants to save the world also.

GABRIELLE
It's hard to explain. He-

NIGEL
Well, maybe it's not so hard, Gabrielle. Maybe it's
quite simple. Maybe it's not Xena's lust for war that
drives her but Xena's lust for the God of War.

Gabrielle chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Xena doesn't lust after Ares.

NIGEL
Gabrielle, kindly direct your attention to the monitor.

The monitor shows clips of Xena and Ares together from "Coming Home," "Livia," and "Amphipolis Under Siege." Gabrielle scoffs.

GABRIELLE
So they have history. It doesn't mean anything.

NIGEL
Gabrielle, isn't it possible that you're confused
by your own feelings for Xena?

GABRIELLE
By my feelings for Xena.

NIGEL
Come on, Gabrielle. I know that Xena is more to
you than just a friend.

Gabrielle laughs.

GABRIELLE
Okay, you're right. She's--she's my best friend.

NIGEL
What would you say, Gabrielle if I told you that
not too long ago, I found your friend, Xena in a
tumbledown little love shack at the edge of town
in the arms of Ares?

GABRIELLE
Uh...

NIGEL
How do you feel about that, Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
I don't know how I feel.

NIGEL
Tell us all the truth. You and Xena are lovers,
aren't you? Or should I say, you were lovers, until
you were replace by Ares. Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
I..di...

NIGEL
Gabrielle...are you in love with Xena?

GABRIELLE
I don't love Xena.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

Studio.

NIGEL
Wait...y--you mean, y--you don't love Xena?

EXTRA
Hey! It's a closed set!

XENA
Closed set-

NIGEL
Huh?

XENA
-my butt!

Xena enters and throws a crewman into the snack table.

XENA
Get out of my way! Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Xena, I was just trying to stop him from telling lies
about you.

XENA
I know. Let's go.

NIGEL
N--no! Wait! Wait! Xena, are you in love with Gabrielle?

XENA
Ya got some pair on ya, Mister.

NIGEL
Hey, I'm just doing my job.

XENA
And I'm just doin' mine.

She puts the Pinch on him.

NIGEL
Oh! Uh!

XENA
If you've done your research, you'll know that I've
just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You got
thirty seconds to listen to what I have to say. D'ya
understand? Understand? You wanna know if I
love Gabrielle. Well, let me ask you a question - do
you love anybody? Do you love your wife? Do you love
your dog? Do you love yourself? Is there anyone in
this world that you love with all your heart? No,
there isn't, is there? Because you can't love. None
of us can. The world has lost the greatest gift the
gods ever gave us, and I'm gonna get it back.
Now, that's your story.

She takes the Pinch off and faces the camera.

XENA
Y'hear me, Odin? I'm comin' for ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside the studio. Xena and Gabrielle walk by some props from "Cleopatra 2525."

GABRIELLE
So, what's the plan?

XENA
I'm goin' after Odin.

GABRIELLE
Well, there's gotta be more to it than that.

XENA
Why do you do that?

GABRIELLE
Do what?

XENA
Ask me to spell out the plan?! You'd think after all
these years you could maybe join the dots yourself.

GABRIELLE
Well, why do I have to drag it out of you?! You know,
I wish I knew the pinch - I would force you to share
your "little plan" with me.

XENA
No, no, no. You can take the pinch off, but you're
not allowed to put the pinch on.

GABRIELLE
Oh, I'm not allowed? Oh, that's right - I'm the
sidekick. You go ahead, Xena. I'll walk ten paces
behind you and your horse!

XENA
You could walk beside my horse!

GABRIELLE
That's really big of you, Xena!

XENA
Gabrielle, stop.

EXTRA
Come on! Move those-

XENA
What's going on? This isn't us.

GABRIELLE
We're saying things that people who love each
other wouldn't ever say.

XENA
Yeah. We've gotta get love back into the world,
Gabrielle, and fast.

GABRIELLE
Right. So what's the plan?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caption: Norse Tavern.

NIGEL (voice-over)
A world without love. A world-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside.

NIGEL
-where the skills of the delicious goddess no
longer lift us to heights of almost intolerable
pleasure. Well, anything is possible. But surely--but
surely, the truth is-

Bargirls start running their hands over him.

NIGEL
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm trying to report here.
The truth is that both Xe-

The bargirls keep touching him.

NIGEL
Thank you. That both Xena and Ares are-

His butt is pinched.

NIGEL
(high pitched) -plotting! (normal) Thank you.

He clears his throat.

NIGEL
Both Xena and Ares are plotting to divert this
reporter from getting to the truth. So we've decided-

They keep touching him.

NIGEL
Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! That's it!
Hands! Hands! Hands. So we've decided to come
to the one place where love is rarely in short supply.

Vikings surround Madam.

MADAM
Got a number?

NIGEL
Excuse me.

EXTRA
No.

MADAM
Did you take a number?

NIGEL
Excuse me? Over here!

MADAM
Can you count?

NIGEL
Excuse me.

NIGEL
All right! All right! I know you're there! (to Viking)
You go after him.

EXTRA
Yeah.

MADAM
Thank you.

NIGEL Hi, there. I wonder if we might have a word.

MADAM
Well, what'll it be tonight? We're running a special
on a little number we call "Thor's Hammer," or,
for a bit extra, you can get "The Ride of the Valkyries."

NIGEL
O-oh, "Ride of the Valkyries." That sounds - well,
uh, business appears to be booming.

Madam laughs.

MADAM
Well, look around! My boys know where to come
to dock their longboats. Ha! If you catch my drift.

She laughs.

NIGEL
So, you would say, then that there has been no
sudden shortage of love in the world.

MADAM
Oh, I didn't say that, now.

NIGEL
You did say business was booming.

She laughs again.

MADAM
My business has never been about love! If these
boys were looking for love they'd be wooing their
sweethearts or at home with their wives. The less
love I have to deal with, the fatter my purse.

She laughs.

NIGEL
Interesting.

MADAM
Calling number twenty-seven! One "Thor's Hammer"!
We'll make you feel like the God of Thunder!

ARES
Twenty-seven! Yo! I got Twenty-seven!

Ares pushes through the crowd.

NIGEL
Ares, the former God of War!

ARES
No, I'm not! Crap!

Ares moves off into the crowd, Nigel following.

NIGEL
We found Ares, the former God of War, half-naked
and stinking of booze, in a bordello!

ARES
I'm tryin' to get laid! I'm not a criminal!

NIGEL
I'm following him now. Excuse me, I'm-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caption: Cave (with an arrow pointing to it)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside. Nigel enters.

NIGEL
(whispering) As news of our investigation has
spread we've been contacted by a source who claims to
have some answers.

GRINHILDA
Halt. Come no further.

NIGEL
(whispering) The source.

He moves his light through the cave until it hits Grinhilda who is under a cloak. Nigel gasps.

NIGEL
Who are you?

GRINHILDA
That's not important, but what I have to tell you
is. You're following the wrong story.

NIGEL
What do you mean?

GRINHILDA
Xena's trying to put a god back on Olympus, all
right, but not the one you think.

NIGEL
But...which god?

GRINHILDA
You'll have to find that out for yourself. I'm in great
danger. If Odin discovers I have betrayed him-

NIGEL
All right. Here's what I'll do. I'll mention each god
by name and then I will count five seconds. If, within
that period, you fail to respond, I'll assume the
answer is yes. Understand?

GRINHILDA
Five seconds - what...

NIGEL
Okay, I'm counting.

He sighs.

NIGEL
Right. Hades. One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus,
three hippopotamus, four-

GRINHILDA
Forget it! I don't have time for this!

NIGEL
Wait! If Ares and Xena aren't conspiring, what
are they doing together?

GRINHILDA
This isn't about Xena and Ares. Xena will play
whatever card she needs to get what she desires.

NIGEL
What if she desires to be a goddess?

GRINHILDA
Fool. Xena doesn't wanna rule the world. She
wants to save it.

NIGEL
How can you be so sure?

GRINHILDA
Because she saved me.

NIGEL
Wait! Where do I go from here?

GRINHILDA
Follow the love.

She leaves.

NIGEL
"Follow the love." Hm-m.

He leaves.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woods. Aphrodite is surrounded by villagers, who are reaching out and touching her.

EXTRA
Aphrodite!

NIGEL
"Follow the love." A bizarre command in a world
seemingly devoid of love, yet-

APHRODITE
Get off!

NIGEL
-something has brought these desperate people-

APHRODITE
Stop it!

NIGEL
-to this place in the hope that here, they will find
whatever is missing in their lives. They, too, are
responding to the unspoken command to follow
the love.

He moves through the crowd.

NIGEL
Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get through here,
please? Uh, media here. Media, thank you. Excuse
me. (to Aphrodite) May I ask you a few questions?
Excuse me.

He touches her.

APHRODITE
I said, keep your mortal meat hooks-

She sees the camera and starts to touch up her hair.

APHRODITE
Oh, my! What's this?!

NIGEL
Aphrodite.

APHRODITE
Hello, there. Hey.

The villagers are touching her hair. She turns and hits one.

APHRODITE
Get off!

Aphrodite turns back to the camera and smiles.

NIGEL (voice-over)
I'm here-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nigel sits down with Aphrodite.

NIGEL
-with Aphrodite, the former Goddess of Love.

He clears his throat.

NIGEL
Aphrodite, forgive me, but didn't you completely
lose your mind after what happened with Caligula?

APHRODITE
Oh, yeah, I did but, Xena pulled me out of my madness
and gave me back my life.

She giggles.

APHRODITE
If you can call this Earthbound existence living - destined
to grow old and wrinkled-


She sobs.

APHRODITE
-and saggy.

NIGEL
Aphrodite, these people what are they all doing here?

She points to just under her eye.

APHRODITE
Can you see this?

NIGEL
What?

APHRODITE
This line. How can you not see it? My face looks
like a Roman road map.

NIGEL
Oh, well, I really can hardly even see it-

She gasps.

APHRODITE
You can see it!

NIGEL
No. No, uh, Aphrodite, these people, what is it
they want?

APHRODITE
Oh! Well, when I left Olympus, the world was full
of my love, but with me no longer there to replenish
it--it's just faded away - squandered by those who
failed to see how precious it was, and spurned by
others who thought they didn't need it, and now
it's all gone. Poof.

NIGEL
"Poof," indeed. But how could we not have noticed?

APHRODITE
You mortals take love for granted. It slipped through
your fingers so subtly, no one even noticed it was
gone, except for these few who are still drawn to
me from the last breath of love that still clings to
me, but soon there won't even be that.

NIGEL
Aphrodite, is there nothing that you can do?

APHRODITE
As a mortal, no. My powers are tied to Olympus
and there is no way for me to get back there. Xena
made sure of that!

NIGEL
Xena.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aphrodite and Nigel are in Norway at the foot of Valhalla. Aphrodite screams as they run through the fleeing people. They join Gabrielle and Beowulf.

NIGEL
Gabrielle, where's Xena?

GABRIELLE
What are you doing here? Aphrodite.

She hugs her.

GABRIELLE
It's good to see you.

NIGEL
Gabrielle, where's--where's Xena?

GABRIELLE
Will you get lost?!

NIGEL
Look, where is she? I've got to talk to her.

GABRIELLE
You just missed her.

BEOWULF
She's gone in to face Odin. Alone.

NIGEL
Is she gonna kill him?

GABRIELLE
Xena doesn't have the power to kill gods - not anymore.

NIGEL
Ah-h!

The sounds of Xena and Odin fighting can be heard.

XENA
Yah!

GABRIELLE
But Odin can kill her.

END OF ACT THREE



ACT FOUR

The sounds of Xena and Odin fighting can be heard.

XENA
Yah!

NIGEL
We're here, before the walls of Valhalla. Xena
entered just minutes ago. You can hear the sounds
of an epic struggle-

The chakram can be heard flying inside Valhalla.

NIGEL
-as Xena, possibly the greatest human warrior
in the history of the world, battles with Odin, king
of the Norse gods.

APHRODITE
Gabrielle, I have to say I'm glad to see you're still
traveling with Xena. I was afraid that with me away
from Olympus, you two might not be so close.

GABRIELLE
No, we're--we're partners.

NIGEL
Xena, is attempting to wrestle the golden apples,
from Odin.

XENA
Yah!

NIGEL
But the question still remains - should she succeed
in getting these apples, on whom will she bestow the
gift of godhood?

ODIN (voice-over)
Oh-h-h-h-h-h!

NIGEL
Wait. Something...something appears to be
happening inside Valhalla.

The sounds of the battle are over.

BEOWULF
The day may be decided.

Odin is being moved down the mountain by Xena. She has the apples.

XENA
Down there.

She kicks him in the butt.

ODIN
O-o-o-oh!

XENA
Hurry up.

ODIN
Oh-h! Uh!

GABRIELLE
Xena! Are you all right?!

She holds up the apples.

XENA
Couldn't be better.

BEOWULF
Incredible. You have beaten Odin.

XENA
Don't rub his nose in it. (to Odin) You know, you
could have saved yourself a world of trouble if you
just had'a coughed up the fruit in the first place.

ODIN
My pain is almost over. Eat. Then you can destroy
me and your victory will be complete.

XENA
Get a move on.

She kicks him in the butt again.

ODIN
Ooh!

The group stands and moves over to her.

NIGEL
Xena. Xena.

Xena kicks Odin in the butt again and sheathes her sword.

ODIN
Oh-h!

NIGEL
Xena. Y--y--y--you--you're not gonna eat that apple,
are you?

XENA
Why ever not?

NIGEL
Because you don't plan to install yourself as a
goddess on Olympus. No. No, your plan is to bring
love back into the world. That apple is for Aphrodite,
isn't it?

XENA
Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring love back
into the world? That's a novel and very unselfish
idea. No, it's not something that the Xena you
know would do.

NIGEL
Well, maybe before I was reporting on the wrong
Xena, Xena.

XENA
Maybe.

ARES
And maybe not.

Ares walks up.

NIGEL
Ares. Xena--Xena, no, you--you can't send Ares
back to Olympus.

XENA
Now he's telling me what I can't do. I think I can.

Ares takes a bite of the apple. A golden light surrounds him.

ARES
It's juicy. Oh, here it comes - oh, yeah. Eyah! All
right! Yeah!

He shoots a bolt from his hands and laughs. He shoots another.

NIGEL
I knew it. You were in this for yourself all along.

ODIN
Of course she was, you moron. Who wouldn't
wanna be a god?

ARES
That's right - who wouldn't wanna be a god? Go
ahead - take a bite. It's good.

GABRIELLE
Don't.

ARES
Hey, there's nothing for you here. You know the
weasel had a good idea - become a goddess - we
could have some kicks.

XENA
Wouldn't want you to be alone on Olympus.

Xena moves to bite the apple.

GABRIELLE
Xena, don't.

Xena looks over to Gabrielle who shakes her head.

XENA
Aphrodite will keep you company.

Xena tosses the apple to Aphrodite who gasps.

APHRODITE
Thank you, Xena.

She bites it and the golden light washes over her.

APHRODITE
Mm-m-m-m-m-m. Ah-h-h-h!

Golden mist with little hearts comes out of Aphrodite and washes over the group. Xena and Gabrielle look at each other and smile. Aphrodite giggles. Beowulf moves over to Gabrielle.

BEOWULF
It really is good to see you again, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
You've got that gleam in your eye, Beowulf.

Beowulf laughs.

APHRODITE
Mm-hm-m-m-m. Shall we leave these mortals
to their business, Ares?

ARES
Aphrodite gave you back the power to love. Think
about it, Xena. Think of the possibilities.

He holds up the apple to her. Xena moves away and hands them back to Odin.

XENA
Odin...keep these someplace safe.

ARES
I guess you know I'll never stop trying.

XENA
I'd expect nothing less.

Aphrodite chuckles.

APHRODITE
Come on. Let's go home.

Aphrodite and Ares disappear.

ODIN
Xena, I've been preparing for your arrival for weeks.
How did you breach our defenses?

XENA
I cheated.

ODIN
What?

XENA
I had a little help from a friend.

Grinhilda, still cloaked comes down from the mountain and pulls back the hood.

ODIN
Grinhilda.

GRINHILDA (voice-over)
Xena saved me, you know.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Studio. Caption: Grinhilda Valkyrie.

GRINHILDA
She changed me back from that horrible creature
I'd become.

NIGEL
This would be the horrible creature that she
turned you into in the first place.

GRINHILDA
That was a different Xena - the dark, evil Xena.

NIGEL
Hm-m.

GRINHILDA
But the real Xena restored my human form and
returned me to Valhalla and she asked me to
unmake the legacy of bloodshed she herself had
left for Odin's people.

NIGEL
When Ares was expelled from Olympus, that must
have made your job a lot easier. Why did Xena
send him back?

XENA (voice-over)
You know why? 'Cause uh-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interview with Xena in studio.

XENA
-well, you can't have love without hate. You can't
have peace without violence, and you certainly
can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I
couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without
Ares. It would have thrown the whole world out
of balance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interview with Grinhilda.

GRINHILDA
It is my people's lust for living that makes us who
we are - the two competing forces of their fierceness
and their passion that defines us. Xena knew that.
So I sent you after Aphrodite while I rounded up Ares.

NIGEL
Wait a minute - you sent me after Aphrodite?

GRINHILDA
"Follow the love"?

NIGEL
You're the mysterious voice in the cave?

GRINHILDA
Xena wanted you out of her hair for a while. She
figured she might as well put you to work getting
Aphrodite for her. I have to go. Odin's still pretty
sore at me.

She leaves.

NIGEL
Hm-m.

Nigel moves to put his glasses back on and pokes himself in the eye.

NIGEL
Ah.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Studio. Eve and the Elijans are kneeling before Nigel.

EVE
We're heartily sorry for our behaviour. It isn't in our
teachings. We wandered from the path of love.

NIGEL
Oh, but--but you're back on that path, now.

Eve chuckles.

EVE
Yes, we're here to atone for our transgressions
against you.

Nigel chuckles.

NIGEL
That really isn't nece-

Eve and the Elijans hold out whips.

NIGEL
What are you doing? What are these?

EVE
You may flagellate us, for the sins that we committed
against you.

NIGEL
No. No, no, no. That's all right.

EVE
No, we insist.

NIGEL
No, really, you don't have to.

EVE
Do it!

She smiles and bows her head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Olympus. Ares is on his throne.

ARES
Do I think she did it because of how she feels
about me.

He sighs.

ARES
No. I mean don't get me wrong-

He snaps.

ARES
-I mean there were sparks. I mean, you could see
that, right? Yeah. But no, she pretty much did it
for the same reason she always does - uh,
redeeming herself for her evil past - "Oh, I killed
so many people! The pain, the pain," you know.
But my offer, it was genuine - I mean, there is a
place for her here. It's not what it used to be, though.
Okay, Chuckles, let's cut it! Okay?! Outta here!

He clears his throat.

ARES
Do not make me zap you!

NIGEL (voice-over)
Gabrielle, Xena.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xena and Gabrielle are with Nigel in a tavern.

NIGEL
I have only one more question left - the question
that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening - the
question that has never, ever been answered. Are
you two lovers?

XENA
You're asking if-

NIGEL
That's right - I'm asking - are you two lovers?

Xena stands.

XENA
That's none 'a your beeswax, Nigel.

GABRIELLE
Okay, Xena, you know you just risked everything
to bring love back into the world.

XENA
So what?

GABRIELLE
I think you should answer the question.

XENA
Oh, you do, do ya?

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

Xena sighs.

NIGEL
W--wait--wait. Hold it. Hold it.

He clears his throat.

NIGEL
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a world exclusive - for
the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal
the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle,
Xena...are you two lovers?

XENA
You want the truth?

NIGEL
That's right, Xena - we want the truth, the whole
world wants the truth!

The picture starts to fuzz.

XENA
It's like this...technically...

The picture goes all fuzzy.

NIGEL (voice-over)
What? What?

PLEASE STAND BY

NIGEL (voice-over)
It's dead?! The battery - this is the world's greatest
story and you're telling me the battery is dead?!
I don't believe this! Oh, man!

END OF ACT FOUR

STARRING
Lucy Lawless as Xena
Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle

GUEST CAST
Kevin Smith as Ares
Adrienne Wilkinson as Eve
Alexandra Tydings as Aphrodite
Michael Hurst as Nigel
Renato Bartolomei as Beowulf
Alexander Petersons as Odin
Alexis Arquette as Caligula
Charles Mesure as Michael
Luanne Gordon as Grinhilda
Peter Rowley as Charon
Joel Tobeck as Lucifer
Loren Horsley as Valkyrie #1
Celia Nicolson as Madam
John Clarke as Man

Written by: Chris Black
Directed by: John Laing

Disclaimer: The concept of linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.